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ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
Tom Cruise danced,
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00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:06,440
dove, and crashed his way
into our hearts
3
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:09,377
in the classic teen movie
Risky Business.
4
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,613
He was a pantless,
partying badass in tube socks.
5
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,148
But for my brother, Barry,
6
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,149
Risky Business
wasn't just a movie.
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00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:18,052
It was a plan for life.
8
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,889
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC
PLAYING ON THE RADIO)
9
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:25,526
(MUSIC STOPS)
Oh!
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00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:27,928
Dang it!
Mom waxed the floor.
I'm going again.
11
00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:29,897
(INTRO PLAYS)
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00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,399
(MUSIC STOPS)
Shoes were a bad idea.
13
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,067
(INTRO PLAYS)
14
00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:34,568
(MUSIC STOPS)
Going again.
15
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,570
(INTRO PLAYS AND MUSIC STOPS)
Whoa!
16
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:39,240
What did I tell you
about Tom Cruising
the floor, huh?
17
00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:40,941
It's incredibly risky.
18
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:44,078
Risky. That's the point.
(SCOFFS) I mean it, Barry.
19
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,280
Take those sunglasses off
and look me in the eye.
20
00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:47,981
Do you want
to crack your head open?
21
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,783
No Tom Cruising. Say it.
22
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,018
(MUMBLING)
No Tom Cruising.
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00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:52,786
Say it like someone
who doesn't want
brain damage.
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00:00:52,853 --> 00:00:55,022
No Tom Cruising.
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00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:57,858
ADULT ADAM: For years,
all Barry wanted
was to live Risky Business.
26
00:00:57,925 --> 00:01:00,294
Hey.
27
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,863
And he finally got his shot
thanks to his rebellious,
bad-influence girlfriend,
28
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:05,833
Lainey Lewis.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
29
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,936
Porsche.
There is no substitute.
30
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,704
Dude.
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00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:13,641
This is super hot and awesome,
but your dad's gonna kill you.
32
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:17,077
Actually, my dad just left
for a flooring convention
in Atlanta.
33
00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:19,847
He gave me a buttload
of pizza money
and two rules.
34
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,914
No driving his Porsche
and no parties.
35
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,317
One down, one to go.
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00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,652
Sweet Rebecca De Mornay
it's happening!
37
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:29,123
We're gonna throw a real,
live kick-ass
Risky Business party!
38
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,858
Erica, we need a keg stat.
39
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,460
Lainey, jump in back.
40
00:01:33,860 --> 00:01:36,029
Big Tasty's taking the wheel.
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00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,997
(GROANS)
I can't move my legs.
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00:01:38,065 --> 00:01:40,533
I don't belong back here.
Why is it so hot?
43
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:43,571
Turn the vents on me.
My God,
please stop whining!
44
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:47,308
But this was supposed to be
my Risky Business moment.
I'm Tom Cruise.
45
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,877
No, you're the weird guy
in the movie
who sits in the back.
46
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,912
The dude who played booger?
That's bullcrap.
47
00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:53,181
I'm not booger.
You be booger.
48
00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:55,583
Cramp! Leg cramp!
(GRUNTS)
49
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,285
My hamstrings
are too muscular.
What are you doing?
50
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,220
I got to stretch out, okay?
Just sit there
like a good booger!
51
00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:00,754
Get your foot
off the gear shift!
52
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:01,922
I'm trying!
53
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,257
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
54
00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:14,535
LAINEY: Nobody move!
BARRY: I'm just gonna move
a little.
55
00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,537
Barry!
Don't move.
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00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,806
Don't worry.
I'm like a ninja.
I'm just gonna...
57
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:25,779
I think it's fair to say
this was everyone's fault.
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00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,448
ERICA: Shut up, booger.
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00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,518
* I'm twisted up inside
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00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,887
* But nonetheless
I feel the need to say
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00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,925
* I don't know the future
62
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:41,929
* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *
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00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,432
ADULT ADAM: It was
September 23, 1980-something,
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00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,668
and I was in my first official
long-distance relationship
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00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:50,338
with my first official
girlfriend, Dana Caldwell.
66
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:51,472
No, you hang up.
67
00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:53,207
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
68
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,475
You hang up.
You hang up.
69
00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:55,743
You hang up.
You hang up.
70
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:57,478
Someone
please hang up.
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00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:00,047
I can't hear what
Jake is saying to the fat man.
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00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:04,285
Back before email and Skype,
the only way to stay connected
was to talk on the telephone
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00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:05,753
or, for extra romance, sing.
74
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,755
* Step by step
75
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:11,225
Unfortunately, my voice
was in a transitional period.
* Left, right, left
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00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,961
* We all fall down
77
00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:17,931
* Like toy soldiers
78
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,933
Oh, my God,
that terrible sound is you?
79
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,002
Leave the singing
to the professionals!
80
00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,137
Me!
81
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,507
Even though my voice changed,
we were still
as strong as ever.
82
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:28,442
I was thinking
that Friday night
83
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,311
we could look at
Halley's Comet together.
84
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:32,380
Only comes around
once every lifetime.
85
00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,315
Aww.
You're amazing.
86
00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:36,650
So, I'll watch it from here
and you'll watch it
in Seattle.
87
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,853
Whoa.
You're talking to Seattle?
88
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,355
I thought Danielle lived
down the street.
89
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:45,125
It's Dana, and I told you
a million times she moved.
90
00:03:45,192 --> 00:03:47,728
You can't call Seattle
before 8:00.
91
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:50,364
Do you have any idea
how much your girlfriend's
gonna cost me?
92
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,099
(DIAL TONE)
93
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:55,135
Hey! You made me
hang up first.
94
00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:59,307
I'm sorry, Adam.
I can't afford your love.
It's too pricy.
95
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:00,974
What's that
supposed to mean?
96
00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:04,345
It means I'm canceling
our long-distance service.
97
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:07,415
There, it's done.
Relationship over.
98
00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:09,583
Pops, talk some sense
into this heartless man.
99
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,018
You're a smart kid.
100
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:13,853
Find a creative way
to connect with her.
You know,
101
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,724
I once dated
a Filipino woman via telegram.
102
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:17,925
Really?
103
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:19,993
Of course, Western Union
had to shut us down
104
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:24,432
because Mala could get very
filthy in just
three sentences.
105
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:27,100
Point is love.
106
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:29,169
Okay,
you're useless to me.
107
00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:32,406
ADULT ADAM: As angry as I was,
it couldn't hold a candle
to the rage my mom felt
108
00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,642
when she found out
about the Porsche.
109
00:04:34,707 --> 00:04:36,677
Do not be fooled
by my sweater.
110
00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,278
I am not flappy.
111
00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:40,514
I'm very flangry.
The good news is,
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00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:42,215
Lainey,
I spoke to your father.
113
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,051
I told him
all about his car
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00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,320
and all about the kick-ass
Risky Business party.
115
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:47,888
What?
How do you know about that?
116
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:53,327
"List of stuff to get
for our kick-ass
Risky Business party
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00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,062
"because Lainey's dad
is in Atlanta."
118
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,630
Idiot!
Why'd you write it down?
119
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:58,499
I'm a visual thinker.
Hush up!
120
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,168
The good news is,
Lainey,
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00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,771
your dad agreed to let you
stay with us
until he gets back.
122
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:07,274
That means I have six days
to fix your entire life.
123
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,443
No way.
You have already
ruined our lives
124
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,645
with your insane love.
You're not ruining
Lainey's, too.
125
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,348
Please, she's hot rodding,
failing her classes,
126
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,149
spending time
with shady friends.
Hey!
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00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,486
Showing questionable taste
in boys.
That's fair.
128
00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,521
Maybe this is all
a blessing in disguise.
129
00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:23,924
I really could use
some of your amazing
mom wisdom, Mrs. G.
130
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,393
I mean,
I've always admired you
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00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,694
and your
store-bought sweaters.
132
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,830
Oh, no,
I made this myself.
What?
133
00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:33,033
You should be
a business owner
and a millionaire by now.
134
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,969
See,
this makes me very flappy.
135
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,405
You two learn from her.
136
00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:39,373
We're gonna have
so much fun.
137
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,009
I'll show you how to make
my famous shrimp parm.
Have you heard of it?
138
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,511
Of course you have.
It's famous.
139
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,513
Duh, Beverly.
Yum.
140
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,347
What is wrong with you?
141
00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:49,817
You never ask
for her mom wisdom ever.
142
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,952
Chill.
I'm just telling her
what she wants to hear.
143
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,053
Wow.
144
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,455
So, the party's back on?
145
00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:55,956
Wow.
Whoo!
146
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,391
I'm gonna go write a list
of things we need to get.
147
00:05:57,457 --> 00:05:59,427
Stop writing lists!
Learn from your mistakes!
148
00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,929
ADULT ADAM: While Erica
and Barry were trying
to outsmart my mom,
149
00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:04,665
I was outsmarting
the phone company.
150
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:05,933
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
151
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:10,003
Hello?
FEMALE OPERATOR: You have
a collect call from...
152
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,606
Dana, I love you, my dad is
a putz, how was your day,
I want to kiss your...
153
00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:13,807
(DIAL TONE)
Adam?
154
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,275
...face.
155
00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:16,644
Face!
156
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,045
How will she know?
157
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,081
But as fate would have it,
158
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:24,518
a new advancement
in phone technology
would let me talk to Dana,
159
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,987
and it was glorious.
160
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,889
There it is.
161
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:31,759
Behold the gem
of the forbidden
teacher's lounge.
162
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,527
The fax machine.
163
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:36,163
I know it's dangerous,
but Dana's worth the risk.
164
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,831
She's my soul mate.
165
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,433
Suit yourself, man.
166
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,534
Dave Kim
likes 'em thick.
167
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,438
It was the perfect plan.
168
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:48,709
Dana would have
my passionate love letter
in her hands in mere seconds.
169
00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:50,844
Or hours.
What the...
170
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,880
Turns out the fax
totally sucked back then.
171
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,047
Why are you so slow?
172
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,651
Oh, wait,
that's the wrong way.
173
00:06:57,718 --> 00:07:00,721
It took me 10 minutes
to send two frickin' pages,
174
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,923
but I managed to escape
without a trace.
175
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:04,825
Oh, hell no.
176
00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:06,827
This is
the teacher's lounge.
177
00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:08,662
This place is sacred.
178
00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:11,532
So help me God,
you are in so much trouble.
179
00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:13,000
Oh.
180
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,736
Someone took the tab
for my flier
for guitar lessons.
181
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,671
Wow.
182
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:20,240
You are so lucky this day
has turned around for me.
183
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:21,475
(CHUCKLES)
184
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,276
Oh, no, wait a minute.
I forgot.
185
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:26,113
I did it myself
to get the ball rolling.
Damn it!
186
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,881
You are in
so much trouble again.
187
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,720
Hey, is it cool
if Anthony Balsamo's brother
188
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,622
invites his frat
to the party?
189
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,790
Dude, what part
of Risky Business party
don't you understand?
190
00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:38,692
My God,
it's gonna be awesome!
191
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:40,928
Hello!
192
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:43,463
Erica and Barry!
It's your mom!
193
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,365
And, Lainey,
it's your mom for the week!
194
00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:48,401
Oh, no. She's here.
It's happening.
What's she doing here?
195
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:49,803
Why is there
no color in your faces?
196
00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:51,338
I'm waving my arms.
197
00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:53,907
The start of every year,
my mom storms the school
198
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,610
and demands that we get
the best teachers and classes.
199
00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:57,811
They call it...
200
00:07:57,878 --> 00:07:59,312
The demanding
of excellence.
201
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:01,414
Oh, come on.
No one calls it that.
202
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,117
Oh, sweet Lord.
It's the demanding
of excellence.
203
00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:06,286
Show no fear.
204
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,321
Mom,
stop right there, okay?
205
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,624
I told you I don't need
or want your help.
206
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,325
Please take up tennis.
207
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:14,562
Have a leisurely lunch
with a friend.
Just let us be.
208
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:17,731
Oh, snuggle monkeys,
I'm not here for you.
209
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,700
I'm here for Lainey.
Me?
210
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:20,968
No, no. (LAUGHING)
211
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,703
No, see, you can't just
walk in here
212
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:25,072
demanding excellence
for other students.
213
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,574
That's not
how school works.
214
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,175
You can only parent
your own child.
215
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,978
Oh, I'll parent
every damn child
in this school if I have to.
216
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:33,080
Hell,
I'll even parent you.
217
00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:34,514
Don't parent me.
218
00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:36,216
Looks like you got
some color at the beach.
219
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,717
Did you wear sunscreen?
Don't do that.
220
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:39,186
Did you reapply
after you went in the water?
221
00:08:39,251 --> 00:08:40,587
Huh? Tell me.
I can't remember.
222
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,022
I was having fun.
What about this apple?
223
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:43,456
Did you wash it?
Yeah.
224
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,626
Don't you lie to me.
It still has a sticker on it.
225
00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:48,762
Okay, damn it!
Just tell me what you want!
Just tell me!
226
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,764
She's cheerleading
five days a week
227
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:53,233
and yet you still
have her taking gym class.
228
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,468
Okay, fine.
Want to have
study hall instead?
229
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,904
Wait, for real?
Oh, yeah, sure.
230
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,706
Keep being my mom.
Do it. Go.
231
00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:01,241
I also noticed
Lainey isn't cheer captain
232
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:04,077
when she's clearly the most
talented dancer on the squad.
233
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:07,414
I demand you make her captain,
and I want her
on top of the pyramid.
234
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,750
Here's a list
of more demands.
Meet them.
235
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,121
And wash that apple.
236
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:16,523
My work is done here.
See you at dinner.
237
00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,460
What happened?
What did she do?
238
00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:23,363
I'm so angry
even though I don't have
any of the information.
239
00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:25,498
Chill.
It was actually awesome.
240
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,934
She's gone.
You can drop the act now.
241
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,201
It's not an act.
242
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,237
No! Our mom is just
poisoning your mind
243
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,005
with her endless well
of love and support.
244
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,807
Yeah, I'm not seeing
how that's a bad thing.
245
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,042
(SCOFFS)
246
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,644
No,
where are you going?
247
00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:38,378
Cheer practice,
where I'm the captain.
248
00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:40,347
You can't leave.
We have a party to plan.
249
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,082
Yeah, no party.
Not feeling it.
250
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,817
Maybe some other time.
251
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:46,987
What the hell
just happened?
252
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:49,990
Did we just lose our kick-ass
Risky Business party?
253
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,625
It's worse.
254
00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:53,293
We just lost Lainey.
255
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,399
MR. GLASCOTT: Thanks
for coming in, Mr. Goldberg.
256
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:02,369
Wanted to address this
teacher's lounge breach
head on.
257
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,004
Couldn't this have been
a phone call?
258
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:05,806
Believe me, I don't
want to be here either.
259
00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,808
After school,
I go to the mall
with my parrot
260
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:10,243
and people
treat me with respect.
261
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:13,313
Her name is
Feather Locklear.
Real head turner.
262
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,415
Look, I'm sorry
I used the fax,
263
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,184
but I just want
to reach my girlfriend.
264
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:19,619
Again with the girlfriend!
Unbelievable!
265
00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:21,755
You're a guidance guy.
Guide him.
266
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,957
Tell him long-distance
relationships don't work.
267
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:25,759
I'm sorry,
I beg to differ.
268
00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:27,360
I've been in
a long-distance relationship
269
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:28,729
for the past
seven years.
270
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:30,330
BOTH: Really?
Yeah.
271
00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,565
Ellen lives in Tampa.
And I'm lucky, too,
272
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,334
because Ellen
has a male roommate
273
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,036
to keep an eye on her
when we're apart.
274
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,537
She lives with a guy?
275
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,206
Yeah, Todd.
He's a lifeguard,
276
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:40,708
so he can totally
give her CPR
277
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,442
if she ever gets
in any kind of trouble.
278
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,277
He's a real stud.
(CHUCKLES)
279
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,814
I mean, does he even
own a shirt?
(LAUGHS)
280
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,949
See, Dad?
It can work.
281
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:52,352
Okay, pay attention.
This might be helpful to you.
282
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:56,389
Uh, this long-distance
girlfriend you got,
you see her much?
283
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,191
Well, not since
she went to Paris.
284
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:01,294
And of course,
Todd tagged along
because he speaks French.
285
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:02,462
He's a good egg.
286
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:04,664
It sounds like
she's with this Todd guy.
287
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:06,199
(CHUCKLES)
No, no, no.
288
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:08,902
She's taken his last name
for insurance purposes.
289
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,404
Point is,
long-distance can work.
290
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:14,708
I want to believe you,
but your story has some holes.
291
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,576
Hey, don't flip
this back on me.
292
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:19,212
You and Dana
are the ones on the rocks.
293
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,882
Frankly, we used to gab
about you guys
in the teacher's lounge
294
00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:23,884
how we didn't think
your relationship had legs.
295
00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:25,318
You're both wrong.
296
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:28,021
I may not be able
to call or fax Dana,
297
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,190
but she will know
how I feel,
298
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,926
even if it means
doing the unthinkable.
299
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:36,096
Bro, you've come
to the right person
for love advice.
300
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:37,364
Let's do this.
301
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:38,799
ADULT ADAM: Without the phone
or the fax,
302
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:41,401
my only option
was a musical love letter,
303
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,804
written by my brother
and starring me.
304
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,538
Hey, sweet baby girl.
305
00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:47,107
I know we can't talk
on the phone,
306
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:50,010
so I'm gonna
just let the music
speak for me.
307
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:51,845
And I'll be speaking, too,
308
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:54,281
'cause this jam
is written by Big Tasty.
309
00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:56,449
Ain't that right,
lil' yum yum?
310
00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:58,218
That's not my name,
girl.
311
00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,754
ADULT ADAM: While I was
tarting to feel
this was a bad idea,
312
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,722
Lainey couldn't have felt
more at home.
313
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:05,492
So, then you're gonna
say to yourself,
"Hey, that's too much cheese."
314
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,827
But you know what?
315
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,962
It's never
too much cheese.
316
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:12,199
God, this is so much better
than cold pizza every night.
317
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,701
And I love that little note
you put in my lunch today.
318
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:18,205
Well, I meant
every word of it,
my little snuggle monster.
319
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,640
Yep, Lainey was happy
to be a Goldberg,
320
00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:22,910
but the Goldbergs
weren't so happy.
321
00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:24,644
It's like
there's two moms now.
322
00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:27,080
This is bad.
This is really bad.
323
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:30,217
All I wanted was a kick-ass
Risky Business party
324
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,719
and a free pass to Princeton.
Is that
too much to ask?
325
00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:33,921
Don't give up hope yet.
(SIGHS)
326
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:36,523
It's time to bring out
the big guns.
327
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,058
Tissue me.
328
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:40,928
(CRYING)
329
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,629
And then he said,
"Let's break up,"
330
00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:44,164
and I'm like,
"But I love you,"
331
00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:45,698
and he's like,
"I love you, too,
332
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,767
"but I'm not in love
with you."
333
00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:51,771
I'm sorry, Lainey.
I just really need my mom's
full and undivided attention.
334
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,644
Wow, it's so surprising
and unsettling to hear
335
00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,279
that you've had
a boyfriend all this time
336
00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:00,547
and none of us
knew about it.
337
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,049
Say,
what was his name?
338
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,516
(STAMMERING) His name?
Uh-huh.
339
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,485
His, his name was, uh...
340
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,521
Shrimpson.
341
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:12,292
Shrimpson.
It's Dutch!
(CRYING)
342
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:13,961
I'm sorry, Lainey.
Maybe you should go.
343
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,362
No. No, no, no.
344
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:18,198
You're just trying
to remove me
from her life
345
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:21,001
just like
how you removed me
from yours.
346
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:23,971
What? (SCOFFS)
How dare you.
347
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,772
Good luck
with Mr. Shrimpsteen.
348
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,607
It's Shrimpson!
349
00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:29,242
(CRYING)
350
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:30,710
Okay,
what are you doing?
351
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,812
Saving you.
From what?
352
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,447
Your mom's cooking?
353
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,383
Her sweet little notes?
Her support?
354
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:38,085
Yeah, sure,
it seems nice now,
355
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,254
but my mom loves us
more than any mom
loves her kids.
356
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,523
I don't think
the problem here
is your mom.
357
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,658
It's you.
You don't appreciate her.
358
00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:47,060
Fine.
359
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:49,229
But don't say
I didn't warn you.
360
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:55,568
Lainey.
361
00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,139
Come to temporary mommy.
362
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,607
Lainey. Lainey!
363
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:05,478
(TAPPING)
364
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,817
Hi. (CHUCKLES)
What are you
doing here?
365
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,119
In the middle
of the day?
366
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,654
Oh, it's kind of my thing.
You'll see.
367
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,389
I just wanted
to drop this off.
368
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:18,291
SAT prep?
369
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,427
Yeah, here's the thing.
I'm not going to college.
370
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,695
What's that, now?
I want to be a dancer
in New York.
371
00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:24,531
Or Vegas,
whichever one's closer.
372
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,366
Oh.
373
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:28,468
That sounds fun.
But yeah,
you're going to college.
374
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,137
I'm really not.
Oh, you are.
375
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,572
I spoke to your father
about it, and he signed off.
376
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:33,773
This is Raji.
377
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,109
He'll be tutoring you
every day at study hall
378
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:38,478
and Saturdays at 8:00 a.m.
When you're nice and fresh.
379
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:39,879
I'll see you at dinner,
love bug.
380
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:44,517
Your mom's very pushy.
381
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:47,054
ADULT ADAM: As Lainey
was starting to panic
about her new smother,
382
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,456
I was finishing my love jam.
383
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,224
* Nothin' in between us
384
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,962
* No distance
can defeat us
385
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:56,997
* Dat's love
386
00:14:57,064 --> 00:15:00,400
* Miles, inches,
yards, feet
387
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:03,270
* Fathoms in the oceans,
kilometers on the street
388
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:05,205
* He'd punch a stegosaurus
389
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:06,906
* Jump the Grand Canyon
390
00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:08,908
* Karate kick Godzilla
391
00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:11,044
* Just to be your companion
392
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,413
* Nothing in between...
393
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:16,984
It's bad, isn't it?
394
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,618
It's not great.
395
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,787
Well,
I've tried everything.
396
00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:23,223
You were right, Dad.
397
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,492
Long distance
never works.
398
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:27,060
You win.
399
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:29,929
You know,
I seem to recall
400
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,965
a certain
long-distance relationship
401
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:33,333
that worked just fine.
402
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,501
What are you
talking about?
403
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,836
Those six months
you spent in ROTC
404
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:38,338
away from Beverly.
405
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:42,242
You know, when you called her
every single day.
406
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:44,611
That was different.
I was an adult.
407
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,113
Just 'cause he's a kid
408
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:48,481
doesn't mean
his feelings aren't real.
409
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:51,184
Trust me, Mur.
He loves that girl.
410
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,222
* There's nothin'
in between us
411
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,190
* 'Cept love
412
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,092
* And dinosaurs
413
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,195
ADULT ADAM:
While I had given up,
414
00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:05,132
Erica and Lainey were
preparing to take on my mom.
415
00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:06,799
What have I done?
I unleashed the beast.
416
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:08,801
Oh, this is not good.
You were right.
417
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,437
This isn't a time for
"I told you so."
418
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:13,106
It's a time for action,
and I told you so!
419
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:14,974
I'll do whatever you say
to make it stop.
420
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:16,809
There's only one way.
421
00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:18,511
She thinks that
she calls the shots,
422
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:21,681
but you have to break
her heart and show her
that you do.
423
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:24,317
May I suggest
throwing a kick-ass
"risky business" party?
424
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:26,786
Can you stop eavesdropping
like a weirdo?
425
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:29,156
I eavesdrop like a badass,
and you know it.
426
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,458
The weirdo's right.
427
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,726
The party is back on.
Yes!
428
00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:35,195
GIRL: Whoo!
429
00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:37,430
Within three hours,
Lainey's house was jumping.
430
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,965
A little too much.
431
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:41,768
The TV was stolen,
furniture was danced upon,
432
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,636
the record player was pizza'd.
433
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:45,372
Also, this lady showed up.
434
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,874
Hey, we wanted
"risky business," right?
435
00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:49,442
Yeah,
but not this much.
436
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,212
I think there are actual
you-know-what-stitutes here.
437
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:55,648
Even the nice geeks at school
got swept up in the madness
438
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,850
and decided to let loose.
439
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,288
(SLOW-MOTION) No!
440
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,790
Unfortunately, they let loose
an MVP football trophy
441
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,526
Lainey's dad had won
in college.
442
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,095
This party needed a hero.
443
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:10,863
And tonight,
it wasn't Tom Cruise.
444
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,066
And...
445
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,202
It wasn't Barry Goldberg.
446
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,804
It was my mom.
447
00:17:17,869 --> 00:17:20,373
Turns out the only thing worse
than an insane party
448
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:24,077
is an insanely mad smother.
449
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:27,046
It was 1:00 a.m.,
and the party
was still raging.
450
00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:28,381
So was my mom.
451
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:31,351
I have failed as a mother
and as a temporary mother.
452
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:32,752
Shame on you.
453
00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:35,488
Lying, sneaking out,
betraying my trust.
454
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,023
I mean, come... Oh.
455
00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:38,958
My God.
Thank you for coming.
456
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:41,361
I'm so sorry.
457
00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,196
Oh.
Save us from ourselves.
458
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:44,764
Shh.
459
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:47,134
Everything's gonna be
all right. Mama will fix it.
460
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,668
(CHUCKLES)
461
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:52,071
Just let me soak in this hug
for one more moment.
462
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:53,806
And then the fixing began,
463
00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:57,009
as my mom made the coolest
party painfully uncool.
464
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,412
I know I told you
never to Tom Cruise the floor,
465
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:02,882
but sometimes you just got to
say, "what the (BLEEP)"
466
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:05,418
(INTRO TO BOB SEGER'S
OLD TIME ROCK AND ROLL PLAYS)
467
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,487
(VOLUME INCREASES)
468
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:10,490
(LIP-SYNCHING)
* Just take those old records
off the shelf
469
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,692
Turns out
it actually comes in handy
470
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,727
to have a smother
so embarrassing
471
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,429
that she can clear out
a party.
472
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:19,766
But in that moment,
my brother and sister realized
that Lainey was right.
473
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:21,968
* I like that old time
rock and roll *
474
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:23,470
It's not so bad having a mom
475
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,905
willing to risk everything
for her kids...
476
00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:28,875
(CRASHES)
I'm okay.
477
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:32,745
...and when the smoke clears,
clean up their mess.
478
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:34,681
Thank you for staying.
479
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,916
It was
pretty cool of you.
480
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:38,751
Look.
481
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:42,054
I know I got carried away
with Lainey.
482
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,590
(CHUCKLES)
483
00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,225
It's just...
484
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:48,461
I loved having someone
who was willing to listen.
485
00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:53,433
Someone who's not always
pushing me away.
486
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:57,103
And I know you
love us more
than anything.
487
00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:59,138
And we
appreciate it.
488
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:01,441
We really do.
489
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,943
So maybe you won't
push me away as much?
490
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:06,513
Depends if you won't
get carried away so much.
491
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,915
Yeah,
both aren't gonna happen.
492
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,350
(CHUCKLES)
493
00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:11,984
For now.
494
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,789
That's the amazing thing
about parents.
495
00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,591
No matter how hard
you push them away,
496
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,126
they'll never let you go.
497
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,595
And sometimes, they give you
just the push you need.
498
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,531
What you writing?
499
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,233
It's called
a break-up letter.
500
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:27,500
Put your pen down.
501
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,402
You don't have to break up
with what's-her-face.
502
00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:31,471
Her name is...
Dana, yes.
503
00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:33,406
I know.
I know. I know.
504
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,041
(SIGHS)
505
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,376
How about
if I let you
call her again?
506
00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:37,777
Wait. Seriously?
507
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,412
Ten minutes a night.
Will that work?
508
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:40,913
Really?
Ten minutes.
509
00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:42,615
Not a second more.
I mean it.
510
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:43,983
I got a stopwatch
in the drawer.
511
00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:46,319
You said
long distance was impossible.
512
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:47,520
Yeah, well,
I remembered
513
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,489
that I actually knew a guy
who pulled it off.
514
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:50,790
Really?
Yeah.
515
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,293
No matter how far away
the girl was, he loved her,
516
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,727
and that's all
that mattered.
517
00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:56,563
I love Dana.
518
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:57,997
I... I really do.
519
00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:00,066
Well, then,
make that call.
520
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:01,768
But 10 minutes only.
521
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,670
* Left, right, left
522
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:06,373
* We all fall down
523
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:07,640
* All fall down
524
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,141
There, I see it.
Halley's Comet.
525
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,843
* Like toy soldiers
My God, so cool.
526
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,144
Did you see it?
527
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,546
Yeah, I did.
528
00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:14,981
Oh, my God,
that was amazing.
529
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,316
You know
what the best part was?
530
00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:17,850
What?
531
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,619
I saw it with you.
532
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:21,621
ADULT ADAM: It was a night
I'd remember forever.
533
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,856
Sure, Dana and I
were 3,000 miles away,
534
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:25,825
but we never felt closer.
535
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,194
And even though my dad said
he couldn't afford our love,
536
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,829
in the end, he knew
537
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:33,500
there's just some things in
life you can't put a price on.
538
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,102
BEVERLY: Adam,
get off the roof.
You'll break your neck.
539
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:39,038
* Only emptiness remains
540
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:42,409
(OFF-KEY)
* Step by step
541
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,277
* Heart to heart
542
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:46,078
* Left, right, left
543
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:50,149
* We'll all fall down
544
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:53,353
* Like toy soldiers
545
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:55,622
I'll be your boyfriend.
546
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:57,324
Yeah, I'll be your boyfriend,
okay?
547
00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:59,992
Don't you see we're young?
It doesn't matter what we do.
548
00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:01,060
(BELCHES)
549
00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:08,401
Did you
just take a tab?
550
00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:09,569
Oh, my God.
551
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:11,371
Oh, my God,
you have no idea
552
00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:13,005
how long I've waited
for this moment.
553
00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:14,273
Yeah,
I just wanted to...
554
00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:16,343
Learn how to shred the axe?
You will.
555
00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:19,779
Oh.
You just wanted to...
556
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,147
It lost
its minty flavor.
557
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,486
Wait a minute.
558
00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:28,187
Ellen is with Todd.
41976
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