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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:04,138 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, Tom Cruise danced, 2 00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:06,440 dove, and crashed his way into our hearts 3 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:09,377 in the classic teen movie Risky Business. 4 00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,613 He was a pantless, partying badass in tube socks. 5 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,148 But for my brother, Barry, 6 00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,149 Risky Business wasn't just a movie. 7 00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:18,052 It was a plan for life. 8 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,889 (ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING ON THE RADIO) 9 00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:25,526 (MUSIC STOPS) Oh! 10 00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:27,928 Dang it! Mom waxed the floor. I'm going again. 11 00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:29,897 (INTRO PLAYS) 12 00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,399 (MUSIC STOPS) Shoes were a bad idea. 13 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,067 (INTRO PLAYS) 14 00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:34,568 (MUSIC STOPS) Going again. 15 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,570 (INTRO PLAYS AND MUSIC STOPS) Whoa! 16 00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:39,240 What did I tell you about Tom Cruising the floor, huh? 17 00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:40,941 It's incredibly risky. 18 00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:44,078 Risky. That's the point. (SCOFFS) I mean it, Barry. 19 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,280 Take those sunglasses off and look me in the eye. 20 00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:47,981 Do you want to crack your head open? 21 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,783 No Tom Cruising. Say it. 22 00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,018 (MUMBLING) No Tom Cruising. 23 00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:52,786 Say it like someone who doesn't want brain damage. 24 00:00:52,853 --> 00:00:55,022 No Tom Cruising. 25 00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:57,858 ADULT ADAM: For years, all Barry wanted was to live Risky Business. 26 00:00:57,925 --> 00:01:00,294 Hey. 27 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,863 And he finally got his shot thanks to his rebellious, bad-influence girlfriend, 28 00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:05,833 Lainey Lewis. (TIRES SCREECHING) 29 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,936 Porsche. There is no substitute. 30 00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,704 Dude. 31 00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:13,641 This is super hot and awesome, but your dad's gonna kill you. 32 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:17,077 Actually, my dad just left for a flooring convention in Atlanta. 33 00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:19,847 He gave me a buttload of pizza money and two rules. 34 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,914 No driving his Porsche and no parties. 35 00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,317 One down, one to go. 36 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,652 Sweet Rebecca De Mornay it's happening! 37 00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:29,123 We're gonna throw a real, live kick-ass Risky Business party! 38 00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,858 Erica, we need a keg stat. 39 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,460 Lainey, jump in back. 40 00:01:33,860 --> 00:01:36,029 Big Tasty's taking the wheel. 41 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,997 (GROANS) I can't move my legs. 42 00:01:38,065 --> 00:01:40,533 I don't belong back here. Why is it so hot? 43 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:43,571 Turn the vents on me. My God, please stop whining! 44 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:47,308 But this was supposed to be my Risky Business moment. I'm Tom Cruise. 45 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,877 No, you're the weird guy in the movie who sits in the back. 46 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,912 The dude who played booger? That's bullcrap. 47 00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:53,181 I'm not booger. You be booger. 48 00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:55,583 Cramp! Leg cramp! (GRUNTS) 49 00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,285 My hamstrings are too muscular. What are you doing? 50 00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,220 I got to stretch out, okay? Just sit there like a good booger! 51 00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:00,754 Get your foot off the gear shift! 52 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:01,922 I'm trying! 53 00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,257 (TIRES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING) 54 00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:14,535 LAINEY: Nobody move! BARRY: I'm just gonna move a little. 55 00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,537 Barry! Don't move. 56 00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,806 Don't worry. I'm like a ninja. I'm just gonna... 57 00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:25,779 I think it's fair to say this was everyone's fault. 58 00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,448 ERICA: Shut up, booger. 59 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,518 * I'm twisted up inside 60 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,887 * But nonetheless I feel the need to say 61 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,925 * I don't know the future 62 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:41,929 * But the past keeps getting clearer every day * 63 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,432 ADULT ADAM: It was September 23, 1980-something, 64 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,668 and I was in my first official long-distance relationship 65 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:50,338 with my first official girlfriend, Dana Caldwell. 66 00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:51,472 No, you hang up. 67 00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:53,207 No, you hang up. No, you hang up. 68 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,475 You hang up. You hang up. 69 00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:55,743 You hang up. You hang up. 70 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:57,478 Someone please hang up. 71 00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:00,047 I can't hear what Jake is saying to the fat man. 72 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:04,285 Back before email and Skype, the only way to stay connected was to talk on the telephone 73 00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:05,753 or, for extra romance, sing. 74 00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,755 * Step by step 75 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:11,225 Unfortunately, my voice was in a transitional period. * Left, right, left 76 00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,961 * We all fall down 77 00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:17,931 * Like toy soldiers 78 00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,933 Oh, my God, that terrible sound is you? 79 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,002 Leave the singing to the professionals! 80 00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,137 Me! 81 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,507 Even though my voice changed, we were still as strong as ever. 82 00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:28,442 I was thinking that Friday night 83 00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,311 we could look at Halley's Comet together. 84 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:32,380 Only comes around once every lifetime. 85 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,315 Aww. You're amazing. 86 00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:36,650 So, I'll watch it from here and you'll watch it in Seattle. 87 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,853 Whoa. You're talking to Seattle? 88 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,355 I thought Danielle lived down the street. 89 00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:45,125 It's Dana, and I told you a million times she moved. 90 00:03:45,192 --> 00:03:47,728 You can't call Seattle before 8:00. 91 00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:50,364 Do you have any idea how much your girlfriend's gonna cost me? 92 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,099 (DIAL TONE) 93 00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:55,135 Hey! You made me hang up first. 94 00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:59,307 I'm sorry, Adam. I can't afford your love. It's too pricy. 95 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:00,974 What's that supposed to mean? 96 00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:04,345 It means I'm canceling our long-distance service. 97 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:07,415 There, it's done. Relationship over. 98 00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:09,583 Pops, talk some sense into this heartless man. 99 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,018 You're a smart kid. 100 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:13,853 Find a creative way to connect with her. You know, 101 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,724 I once dated a Filipino woman via telegram. 102 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:17,925 Really? 103 00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:19,993 Of course, Western Union had to shut us down 104 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:24,432 because Mala could get very filthy in just three sentences. 105 00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:27,100 Point is love. 106 00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:29,169 Okay, you're useless to me. 107 00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:32,406 ADULT ADAM: As angry as I was, it couldn't hold a candle to the rage my mom felt 108 00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,642 when she found out about the Porsche. 109 00:04:34,707 --> 00:04:36,677 Do not be fooled by my sweater. 110 00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,278 I am not flappy. 111 00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:40,514 I'm very flangry. The good news is, 112 00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:42,215 Lainey, I spoke to your father. 113 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,051 I told him all about his car 114 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,320 and all about the kick-ass Risky Business party. 115 00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:47,888 What? How do you know about that? 116 00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:53,327 "List of stuff to get for our kick-ass Risky Business party 117 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,062 "because Lainey's dad is in Atlanta." 118 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,630 Idiot! Why'd you write it down? 119 00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:58,499 I'm a visual thinker. Hush up! 120 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,168 The good news is, Lainey, 121 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,771 your dad agreed to let you stay with us until he gets back. 122 00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:07,274 That means I have six days to fix your entire life. 123 00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,443 No way. You have already ruined our lives 124 00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,645 with your insane love. You're not ruining Lainey's, too. 125 00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,348 Please, she's hot rodding, failing her classes, 126 00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,149 spending time with shady friends. Hey! 127 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,486 Showing questionable taste in boys. That's fair. 128 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,521 Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise. 129 00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:23,924 I really could use some of your amazing mom wisdom, Mrs. G. 130 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,393 I mean, I've always admired you 131 00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,694 and your store-bought sweaters. 132 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,830 Oh, no, I made this myself. What? 133 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:33,033 You should be a business owner and a millionaire by now. 134 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,969 See, this makes me very flappy. 135 00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,405 You two learn from her. 136 00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:39,373 We're gonna have so much fun. 137 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,009 I'll show you how to make my famous shrimp parm. Have you heard of it? 138 00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,511 Of course you have. It's famous. 139 00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,513 Duh, Beverly. Yum. 140 00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,347 What is wrong with you? 141 00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:49,817 You never ask for her mom wisdom ever. 142 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,952 Chill. I'm just telling her what she wants to hear. 143 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,053 Wow. 144 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,455 So, the party's back on? 145 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:55,956 Wow. Whoo! 146 00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,391 I'm gonna go write a list of things we need to get. 147 00:05:57,457 --> 00:05:59,427 Stop writing lists! Learn from your mistakes! 148 00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,929 ADULT ADAM: While Erica and Barry were trying to outsmart my mom, 149 00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:04,665 I was outsmarting the phone company. 150 00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:05,933 (TELEPHONE RINGS) 151 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:10,003 Hello? FEMALE OPERATOR: You have a collect call from... 152 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,606 Dana, I love you, my dad is a putz, how was your day, I want to kiss your... 153 00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:13,807 (DIAL TONE) Adam? 154 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,275 ...face. 155 00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:16,644 Face! 156 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,045 How will she know? 157 00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,081 But as fate would have it, 158 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:24,518 a new advancement in phone technology would let me talk to Dana, 159 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,987 and it was glorious. 160 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,889 There it is. 161 00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:31,759 Behold the gem of the forbidden teacher's lounge. 162 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,527 The fax machine. 163 00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:36,163 I know it's dangerous, but Dana's worth the risk. 164 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,831 She's my soul mate. 165 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,433 Suit yourself, man. 166 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,534 Dave Kim likes 'em thick. 167 00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,438 It was the perfect plan. 168 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:48,709 Dana would have my passionate love letter in her hands in mere seconds. 169 00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:50,844 Or hours. What the... 170 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,880 Turns out the fax totally sucked back then. 171 00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,047 Why are you so slow? 172 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,651 Oh, wait, that's the wrong way. 173 00:06:57,718 --> 00:07:00,721 It took me 10 minutes to send two frickin' pages, 174 00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,923 but I managed to escape without a trace. 175 00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:04,825 Oh, hell no. 176 00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:06,827 This is the teacher's lounge. 177 00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:08,662 This place is sacred. 178 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:11,532 So help me God, you are in so much trouble. 179 00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:13,000 Oh. 180 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,736 Someone took the tab for my flier for guitar lessons. 181 00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,671 Wow. 182 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:20,240 You are so lucky this day has turned around for me. 183 00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:21,475 (CHUCKLES) 184 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,276 Oh, no, wait a minute. I forgot. 185 00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:26,113 I did it myself to get the ball rolling. Damn it! 186 00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,881 You are in so much trouble again. 187 00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,720 Hey, is it cool if Anthony Balsamo's brother 188 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,622 invites his frat to the party? 189 00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,790 Dude, what part of Risky Business party don't you understand? 190 00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:38,692 My God, it's gonna be awesome! 191 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:40,928 Hello! 192 00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:43,463 Erica and Barry! It's your mom! 193 00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,365 And, Lainey, it's your mom for the week! 194 00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:48,401 Oh, no. She's here. It's happening. What's she doing here? 195 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:49,803 Why is there no color in your faces? 196 00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:51,338 I'm waving my arms. 197 00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:53,907 The start of every year, my mom storms the school 198 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,610 and demands that we get the best teachers and classes. 199 00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:57,811 They call it... 200 00:07:57,878 --> 00:07:59,312 The demanding of excellence. 201 00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:01,414 Oh, come on. No one calls it that. 202 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,117 Oh, sweet Lord. It's the demanding of excellence. 203 00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:06,286 Show no fear. 204 00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,321 Mom, stop right there, okay? 205 00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,624 I told you I don't need or want your help. 206 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,325 Please take up tennis. 207 00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:14,562 Have a leisurely lunch with a friend. Just let us be. 208 00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:17,731 Oh, snuggle monkeys, I'm not here for you. 209 00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,700 I'm here for Lainey. Me? 210 00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:20,968 No, no. (LAUGHING) 211 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,703 No, see, you can't just walk in here 212 00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:25,072 demanding excellence for other students. 213 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,574 That's not how school works. 214 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,175 You can only parent your own child. 215 00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,978 Oh, I'll parent every damn child in this school if I have to. 216 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:33,080 Hell, I'll even parent you. 217 00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:34,514 Don't parent me. 218 00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:36,216 Looks like you got some color at the beach. 219 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,717 Did you wear sunscreen? Don't do that. 220 00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:39,186 Did you reapply after you went in the water? 221 00:08:39,251 --> 00:08:40,587 Huh? Tell me. I can't remember. 222 00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:42,022 I was having fun. What about this apple? 223 00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:43,456 Did you wash it? Yeah. 224 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,626 Don't you lie to me. It still has a sticker on it. 225 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:48,762 Okay, damn it! Just tell me what you want! Just tell me! 226 00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,764 She's cheerleading five days a week 227 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:53,233 and yet you still have her taking gym class. 228 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,468 Okay, fine. Want to have study hall instead? 229 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,904 Wait, for real? Oh, yeah, sure. 230 00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,706 Keep being my mom. Do it. Go. 231 00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:01,241 I also noticed Lainey isn't cheer captain 232 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:04,077 when she's clearly the most talented dancer on the squad. 233 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:07,414 I demand you make her captain, and I want her on top of the pyramid. 234 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,750 Here's a list of more demands. Meet them. 235 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,121 And wash that apple. 236 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:16,523 My work is done here. See you at dinner. 237 00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,460 What happened? What did she do? 238 00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:23,363 I'm so angry even though I don't have any of the information. 239 00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:25,498 Chill. It was actually awesome. 240 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,934 She's gone. You can drop the act now. 241 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,201 It's not an act. 242 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,237 No! Our mom is just poisoning your mind 243 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,005 with her endless well of love and support. 244 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,807 Yeah, I'm not seeing how that's a bad thing. 245 00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,042 (SCOFFS) 246 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,644 No, where are you going? 247 00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:38,378 Cheer practice, where I'm the captain. 248 00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:40,347 You can't leave. We have a party to plan. 249 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,082 Yeah, no party. Not feeling it. 250 00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,817 Maybe some other time. 251 00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:46,987 What the hell just happened? 252 00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:49,990 Did we just lose our kick-ass Risky Business party? 253 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,625 It's worse. 254 00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:53,293 We just lost Lainey. 255 00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,399 MR. GLASCOTT: Thanks for coming in, Mr. Goldberg. 256 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:02,369 Wanted to address this teacher's lounge breach head on. 257 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,004 Couldn't this have been a phone call? 258 00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:05,806 Believe me, I don't want to be here either. 259 00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,808 After school, I go to the mall with my parrot 260 00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:10,243 and people treat me with respect. 261 00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:13,313 Her name is Feather Locklear. Real head turner. 262 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,415 Look, I'm sorry I used the fax, 263 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,184 but I just want to reach my girlfriend. 264 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:19,619 Again with the girlfriend! Unbelievable! 265 00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:21,755 You're a guidance guy. Guide him. 266 00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,957 Tell him long-distance relationships don't work. 267 00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:25,759 I'm sorry, I beg to differ. 268 00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:27,360 I've been in a long-distance relationship 269 00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:28,729 for the past seven years. 270 00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:30,330 BOTH: Really? Yeah. 271 00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,565 Ellen lives in Tampa. And I'm lucky, too, 272 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,334 because Ellen has a male roommate 273 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,036 to keep an eye on her when we're apart. 274 00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,537 She lives with a guy? 275 00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,206 Yeah, Todd. He's a lifeguard, 276 00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:40,708 so he can totally give her CPR 277 00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,442 if she ever gets in any kind of trouble. 278 00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,277 He's a real stud. (CHUCKLES) 279 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,814 I mean, does he even own a shirt? (LAUGHS) 280 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,949 See, Dad? It can work. 281 00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:52,352 Okay, pay attention. This might be helpful to you. 282 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:56,389 Uh, this long-distance girlfriend you got, you see her much? 283 00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,191 Well, not since she went to Paris. 284 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:01,294 And of course, Todd tagged along because he speaks French. 285 00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:02,462 He's a good egg. 286 00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:04,664 It sounds like she's with this Todd guy. 287 00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:06,199 (CHUCKLES) No, no, no. 288 00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:08,902 She's taken his last name for insurance purposes. 289 00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,404 Point is, long-distance can work. 290 00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:14,708 I want to believe you, but your story has some holes. 291 00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,576 Hey, don't flip this back on me. 292 00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:19,212 You and Dana are the ones on the rocks. 293 00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,882 Frankly, we used to gab about you guys in the teacher's lounge 294 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:23,884 how we didn't think your relationship had legs. 295 00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:25,318 You're both wrong. 296 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:28,021 I may not be able to call or fax Dana, 297 00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,190 but she will know how I feel, 298 00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,926 even if it means doing the unthinkable. 299 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:36,096 Bro, you've come to the right person for love advice. 300 00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:37,364 Let's do this. 301 00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:38,799 ADULT ADAM: Without the phone or the fax, 302 00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:41,401 my only option was a musical love letter, 303 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,804 written by my brother and starring me. 304 00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:45,538 Hey, sweet baby girl. 305 00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:47,107 I know we can't talk on the phone, 306 00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:50,010 so I'm gonna just let the music speak for me. 307 00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:51,845 And I'll be speaking, too, 308 00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:54,281 'cause this jam is written by Big Tasty. 309 00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:56,449 Ain't that right, lil' yum yum? 310 00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:58,218 That's not my name, girl. 311 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,754 ADULT ADAM: While I was tarting to feel this was a bad idea, 312 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,722 Lainey couldn't have felt more at home. 313 00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:05,492 So, then you're gonna say to yourself, "Hey, that's too much cheese." 314 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,827 But you know what? 315 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,962 It's never too much cheese. 316 00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:12,199 God, this is so much better than cold pizza every night. 317 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,701 And I love that little note you put in my lunch today. 318 00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:18,205 Well, I meant every word of it, my little snuggle monster. 319 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,640 Yep, Lainey was happy to be a Goldberg, 320 00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:22,910 but the Goldbergs weren't so happy. 321 00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:24,644 It's like there's two moms now. 322 00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:27,080 This is bad. This is really bad. 323 00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:30,217 All I wanted was a kick-ass Risky Business party 324 00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,719 and a free pass to Princeton. Is that too much to ask? 325 00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:33,921 Don't give up hope yet. (SIGHS) 326 00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:36,523 It's time to bring out the big guns. 327 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,058 Tissue me. 328 00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:40,928 (CRYING) 329 00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,629 And then he said, "Let's break up," 330 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:44,164 and I'm like, "But I love you," 331 00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:45,698 and he's like, "I love you, too, 332 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:47,767 "but I'm not in love with you." 333 00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:51,771 I'm sorry, Lainey. I just really need my mom's full and undivided attention. 334 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,644 Wow, it's so surprising and unsettling to hear 335 00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,279 that you've had a boyfriend all this time 336 00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:00,547 and none of us knew about it. 337 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,049 Say, what was his name? 338 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,516 (STAMMERING) His name? Uh-huh. 339 00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,485 His, his name was, uh... 340 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,521 Shrimpson. 341 00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:12,292 Shrimpson. It's Dutch! (CRYING) 342 00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:13,961 I'm sorry, Lainey. Maybe you should go. 343 00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,362 No. No, no, no. 344 00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:18,198 You're just trying to remove me from her life 345 00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:21,001 just like how you removed me from yours. 346 00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:23,971 What? (SCOFFS) How dare you. 347 00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,772 Good luck with Mr. Shrimpsteen. 348 00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,607 It's Shrimpson! 349 00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:29,242 (CRYING) 350 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:30,710 Okay, what are you doing? 351 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,812 Saving you. From what? 352 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,447 Your mom's cooking? 353 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,383 Her sweet little notes? Her support? 354 00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:38,085 Yeah, sure, it seems nice now, 355 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,254 but my mom loves us more than any mom loves her kids. 356 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,523 I don't think the problem here is your mom. 357 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,658 It's you. You don't appreciate her. 358 00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:47,060 Fine. 359 00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:49,229 But don't say I didn't warn you. 360 00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:55,568 Lainey. 361 00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,139 Come to temporary mommy. 362 00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,607 Lainey. Lainey! 363 00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:05,478 (TAPPING) 364 00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,817 Hi. (CHUCKLES) What are you doing here? 365 00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,119 In the middle of the day? 366 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,654 Oh, it's kind of my thing. You'll see. 367 00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,389 I just wanted to drop this off. 368 00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:18,291 SAT prep? 369 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,427 Yeah, here's the thing. I'm not going to college. 370 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,695 What's that, now? I want to be a dancer in New York. 371 00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:24,531 Or Vegas, whichever one's closer. 372 00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,366 Oh. 373 00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:28,468 That sounds fun. But yeah, you're going to college. 374 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,137 I'm really not. Oh, you are. 375 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,572 I spoke to your father about it, and he signed off. 376 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:33,773 This is Raji. 377 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,109 He'll be tutoring you every day at study hall 378 00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:38,478 and Saturdays at 8:00 a.m. When you're nice and fresh. 379 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:39,879 I'll see you at dinner, love bug. 380 00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:44,517 Your mom's very pushy. 381 00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:47,054 ADULT ADAM: As Lainey was starting to panic about her new smother, 382 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,456 I was finishing my love jam. 383 00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,224 * Nothin' in between us 384 00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,962 * No distance can defeat us 385 00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:56,997 * Dat's love 386 00:14:57,064 --> 00:15:00,400 * Miles, inches, yards, feet 387 00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:03,270 * Fathoms in the oceans, kilometers on the street 388 00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:05,205 * He'd punch a stegosaurus 389 00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:06,906 * Jump the Grand Canyon 390 00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:08,908 * Karate kick Godzilla 391 00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:11,044 * Just to be your companion 392 00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,413 * Nothing in between... 393 00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:16,984 It's bad, isn't it? 394 00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,618 It's not great. 395 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,787 Well, I've tried everything. 396 00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:23,223 You were right, Dad. 397 00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,492 Long distance never works. 398 00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:27,060 You win. 399 00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:29,929 You know, I seem to recall 400 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,965 a certain long-distance relationship 401 00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:33,333 that worked just fine. 402 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,501 What are you talking about? 403 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,836 Those six months you spent in ROTC 404 00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:38,338 away from Beverly. 405 00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:42,242 You know, when you called her every single day. 406 00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:44,611 That was different. I was an adult. 407 00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,113 Just 'cause he's a kid 408 00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:48,481 doesn't mean his feelings aren't real. 409 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:51,184 Trust me, Mur. He loves that girl. 410 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,222 * There's nothin' in between us 411 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,190 * 'Cept love 412 00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,092 * And dinosaurs 413 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,195 ADULT ADAM: While I had given up, 414 00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:05,132 Erica and Lainey were preparing to take on my mom. 415 00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:06,799 What have I done? I unleashed the beast. 416 00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:08,801 Oh, this is not good. You were right. 417 00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,437 This isn't a time for "I told you so." 418 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:13,106 It's a time for action, and I told you so! 419 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:14,974 I'll do whatever you say to make it stop. 420 00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:16,809 There's only one way. 421 00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:18,511 She thinks that she calls the shots, 422 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:21,681 but you have to break her heart and show her that you do. 423 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:24,317 May I suggest throwing a kick-ass "risky business" party? 424 00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:26,786 Can you stop eavesdropping like a weirdo? 425 00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:29,156 I eavesdrop like a badass, and you know it. 426 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,458 The weirdo's right. 427 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,726 The party is back on. Yes! 428 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:35,195 GIRL: Whoo! 429 00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:37,430 Within three hours, Lainey's house was jumping. 430 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,965 A little too much. 431 00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:41,768 The TV was stolen, furniture was danced upon, 432 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,636 the record player was pizza'd. 433 00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:45,372 Also, this lady showed up. 434 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,874 Hey, we wanted "risky business," right? 435 00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:49,442 Yeah, but not this much. 436 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,212 I think there are actual you-know-what-stitutes here. 437 00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:55,648 Even the nice geeks at school got swept up in the madness 438 00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,850 and decided to let loose. 439 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,288 (SLOW-MOTION) No! 440 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,790 Unfortunately, they let loose an MVP football trophy 441 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,526 Lainey's dad had won in college. 442 00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,095 This party needed a hero. 443 00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:10,863 And tonight, it wasn't Tom Cruise. 444 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,066 And... 445 00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,202 It wasn't Barry Goldberg. 446 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,804 It was my mom. 447 00:17:17,869 --> 00:17:20,373 Turns out the only thing worse than an insane party 448 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:24,077 is an insanely mad smother. 449 00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:27,046 It was 1:00 a.m., and the party was still raging. 450 00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:28,381 So was my mom. 451 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:31,351 I have failed as a mother and as a temporary mother. 452 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:32,752 Shame on you. 453 00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:35,488 Lying, sneaking out, betraying my trust. 454 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,023 I mean, come... Oh. 455 00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:38,958 My God. Thank you for coming. 456 00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:41,361 I'm so sorry. 457 00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,196 Oh. Save us from ourselves. 458 00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:44,764 Shh. 459 00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:47,134 Everything's gonna be all right. Mama will fix it. 460 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,668 (CHUCKLES) 461 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:52,071 Just let me soak in this hug for one more moment. 462 00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:53,806 And then the fixing began, 463 00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:57,009 as my mom made the coolest party painfully uncool. 464 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,412 I know I told you never to Tom Cruise the floor, 465 00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:02,882 but sometimes you just got to say, "what the (BLEEP)" 466 00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:05,418 (INTRO TO BOB SEGER'S OLD TIME ROCK AND ROLL PLAYS) 467 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,487 (VOLUME INCREASES) 468 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:10,490 (LIP-SYNCHING) * Just take those old records off the shelf 469 00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,692 Turns out it actually comes in handy 470 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,727 to have a smother so embarrassing 471 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,429 that she can clear out a party. 472 00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:19,766 But in that moment, my brother and sister realized that Lainey was right. 473 00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:21,968 * I like that old time rock and roll * 474 00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:23,470 It's not so bad having a mom 475 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,905 willing to risk everything for her kids... 476 00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:28,875 (CRASHES) I'm okay. 477 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:32,745 ...and when the smoke clears, clean up their mess. 478 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:34,681 Thank you for staying. 479 00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,916 It was pretty cool of you. 480 00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:38,751 Look. 481 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:42,054 I know I got carried away with Lainey. 482 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,590 (CHUCKLES) 483 00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,225 It's just... 484 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:48,461 I loved having someone who was willing to listen. 485 00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:53,433 Someone who's not always pushing me away. 486 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:57,103 And I know you love us more than anything. 487 00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:59,138 And we appreciate it. 488 00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:01,441 We really do. 489 00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,943 So maybe you won't push me away as much? 490 00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:06,513 Depends if you won't get carried away so much. 491 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,915 Yeah, both aren't gonna happen. 492 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,350 (CHUCKLES) 493 00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:11,984 For now. 494 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,789 That's the amazing thing about parents. 495 00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,591 No matter how hard you push them away, 496 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,126 they'll never let you go. 497 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,595 And sometimes, they give you just the push you need. 498 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,531 What you writing? 499 00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,233 It's called a break-up letter. 500 00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:27,500 Put your pen down. 501 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,402 You don't have to break up with what's-her-face. 502 00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:31,471 Her name is... Dana, yes. 503 00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:33,406 I know. I know. I know. 504 00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,041 (SIGHS) 505 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,376 How about if I let you call her again? 506 00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:37,777 Wait. Seriously? 507 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,412 Ten minutes a night. Will that work? 508 00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:40,913 Really? Ten minutes. 509 00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:42,615 Not a second more. I mean it. 510 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:43,983 I got a stopwatch in the drawer. 511 00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:46,319 You said long distance was impossible. 512 00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:47,520 Yeah, well, I remembered 513 00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,489 that I actually knew a guy who pulled it off. 514 00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:50,790 Really? Yeah. 515 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,293 No matter how far away the girl was, he loved her, 516 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,727 and that's all that mattered. 517 00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:56,563 I love Dana. 518 00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:57,997 I... I really do. 519 00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:00,066 Well, then, make that call. 520 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:01,768 But 10 minutes only. 521 00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,670 * Left, right, left 522 00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:06,373 * We all fall down 523 00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:07,640 * All fall down 524 00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,141 There, I see it. Halley's Comet. 525 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,843 * Like toy soldiers My God, so cool. 526 00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,144 Did you see it? 527 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,546 Yeah, I did. 528 00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:14,981 Oh, my God, that was amazing. 529 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,316 You know what the best part was? 530 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:17,850 What? 531 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,619 I saw it with you. 532 00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:21,621 ADULT ADAM: It was a night I'd remember forever. 533 00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,856 Sure, Dana and I were 3,000 miles away, 534 00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:25,825 but we never felt closer. 535 00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,194 And even though my dad said he couldn't afford our love, 536 00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,829 in the end, he knew 537 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:33,500 there's just some things in life you can't put a price on. 538 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,102 BEVERLY: Adam, get off the roof. You'll break your neck. 539 00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:39,038 * Only emptiness remains 540 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:42,409 (OFF-KEY) * Step by step 541 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,277 * Heart to heart 542 00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:46,078 * Left, right, left 543 00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:50,149 * We'll all fall down 544 00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:53,353 * Like toy soldiers 545 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:55,622 I'll be your boyfriend. 546 00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:57,324 Yeah, I'll be your boyfriend, okay? 547 00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:59,992 Don't you see we're young? It doesn't matter what we do. 548 00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:01,060 (BELCHES) 549 00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:08,401 Did you just take a tab? 550 00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:09,569 Oh, my God. 551 00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:11,371 Oh, my God, you have no idea 552 00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:13,005 how long I've waited for this moment. 553 00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:14,273 Yeah, I just wanted to... 554 00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:16,343 Learn how to shred the axe? You will. 555 00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:19,779 Oh. You just wanted to... 556 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,147 It lost its minty flavor. 557 00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,486 Wait a minute. 558 00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:28,187 Ellen is with Todd. 41976

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