Original subtitles

I got great news.

I just got appointed editor of the school paper.

We have a school paper?

Yeah. You know, there's free copies outside the library.

We have a library?

I don't blame you for not reading the Revere Express.

It stinks.

But Miss Cohen expects me to turn it around. The same way I turned around the

math lab.

We have a math lab?

Hey, there's Doreen. Don't look. She's got this huge crush on me. Don't look.

I thought you said she always ignored you. Well, that's how you can tell when

they're really interested. I told you not to look!

Watch this.

Hey, Darlene.

Hey, Zach.

So, what brings you over to this neck of the woods?

Uh, my locker.

Right.

I was just guarding it for you.

No need to thank me.

Although I wouldn't say no to dinner and a movie.

So what days are you dating?

Cute.

Keep them laughing, and they're all yours. Check this out.

So, you want to go out this Saturday?

Okay. Anything but Chinese. My stomach's a little queasy.

of the Fourth Estate, we will strive to expand the intellectual horizons of our

comrades in learning. Can I say something, Chief?

Absolutely, Barbara.

And P .S., I like the Chief.

Thanks, Chief.

I think we should do a heart -eating expose on towel snapping in the locker

room. Harmless prank or wealth of rage.

will get people to read the paper before they turn it into an airplane.

Incoming!

Zach, what are you doing here?

I'm joining the paper. Sorry, but all the positions are filled.

Wally's our weather guy, Barbara's our investigative reporter, Alexis is our

coffee girl, Vance is our photographer, and the lovely Janice and Jessica are

doing health and beauty. I'm doing health.

even beautiful.

But I'm really healthy. But I'm really, really healthy.

And I'm really, really glad you're not triplet.

How about sports?

It's Big Bob on sports.

If you can bounce it, triple it, kick it, or hit me in the face with it, I'm

your man.

Excuse us for a second, everyone.

You don't understand.

I need a job on the paper.

other option is joining the marching band.

What's wrong with that?

The only instrument left is the glockenspiel.

The ring would never go out with the guy who plays the glockenspiel.

Look, I'm trying to run a newspaper here, not your love life.

If you don't give me a job, I'll keep making scary monster sounds while you're

sleeping.

You're Mr.

Spooky Head?

Fine. There's only one spot open on the paper.

The advice column. Ask Shirley.

You mean, I'd have to be a girl?

No, it's anonymous.

Oh, good.

That means no one will know you're Shirley.

Oh, good.

Then that means I'm the man for the job.

I mean, woman.

Look, I just hold the paper to a very high standard.

And I don't know if you're right for the job.

What are you talking about? I give great advice.

That sure makes you look like a dork.

One chocolate ding -a -ding.

What's the magic word?

No!

Esteban, open this.

London, what is the matter?

Someone is a little irritable today.

Well, that's because I haven't gotten any sleep the past two nights.

Well, usually when you can't sleep, there's... psychological reason.

Something deep down that is gnawing at your soul.

My soul?

Of my Arturo Vitale shoes?

Or maybe she just has a lot on her mind.

No.

Look, I'm telling you, there's nothing wrong with my life. Well, then what's

problem?

Listen to this loser.

Dear Shirley, I have a small perspiration problem.

What should I do?

Signed, Sweaty in Social Studies.

Dear Sweaty, next time, flip a letter dry before you mail it.

You can't make fun of people's insecurities.

You have to be more sensitive.

I can be sensitive.

Way to be sensitive.

It was hardly worth the trip in here.

Fine, fine, fine.

I'll try to be more sensitive.

Dear Stinky Boy, here's what you do to hide your sweat stains.

Join the swim team and tell people you just came from practice.

That is the dumbest advice I have ever heard.

Dumb?

And you call me insensitive.

Okay, the first thing you have to do is hang up the phone.

of your muscles.

From your head to your toes.

Now, start counting backwards from 100.

Okay.

100.

99.

You do it for me, Moseby. You're better at the alphabet.

98. 97.

96.

90. Huh?

Mosby?

Mosby?

What comes after 90? Huh?

I'm telling you, nobody's going to listen to your stupid advice.

I know it looks like sweats, but the truth is, I'm on a swim team, and I just

finished doing 100 laps in the pool.

But he's doing pretty well with the ladies. All thanks to Shirley.

Okay, so it worked for Bob.

No one else is going to like your stupid column.

Cody, I love the Ask Shirley column.

It's hysterical.

And his advice is actually pretty good.

I think Shirley is brilliant.

In fact, she and I are a lot alike.

Tell her, Cody.

I see no resemblance whatsoever.

She's anonymous, remember?

Well, that's not working out for me. If you tell her, you're going to be in the

marching band glocking, spieling for the rest of your life.

Maddie?

Maddie? The mints are overflowing.

Oh, I'm too tired.

with her phone call. Oh, you too?

I finally had my phone disconnected.

I'm telling you, something is troubling her psychologically.

The human mind is a complex thing.

Miss Tipton?

Miss Tipton?

Miss Tipton?

I am so tired.

No, wait.

After Shirley just got a letter from Darlene.

How do you know it's from her? She dots her eyes with a smiley face.

A lot of girls do that.

Hers has a beauty mark.

In the shape of a heart.

Dear Shirley, I really like this guy. But he comes on like a player.

And he can kind of be obnoxious.

But he is really funny and awfully cute.

What should I do?

Just ask me out, honey, and hope I say yes.

How do you know she's talking about... Oh, yeah, she said obnoxious.

I think I'll give Darlene a little advice on how to take a crack at the

What are you doing?

Just watch.

Sometimes a player isn't really obnoxious.

He's just hiding the fact that he's shy and sensitive underneath.

You can't do that!

on the paper to manipulate someone for your own personal gain it's morally

repugnant come again bad wrong a

no -no oh that morally repugnant don't you

realize you would be compromising your journalistic ethics you see that's where

you're wrong

She loved the paper. She really...

Shirley does seem like my kind of woman.

Do you think you can hook me up?

I don't think you and Shirley are going to work out.

Oh, you just want to save her for yourself.

Trust me, I don't.

So, isn't it great how much people love my column?

Although it kind of creeps me out that Bob wants to date me.

You can do worse.

And you have.

think your advice to Darlene is going to work?

Take a chance. Ask him out for a milkshake.

Hey, Zach.

Just taking a chance here, but would you like to go out for a milkshake?

Gee, Darlene, this is such a surprise.

I mean, I always thought you thought I was sort of obnoxious.

I'm still underneath.

Well, that's me.

What's wrong with your brother?

He forgot his culmination.

Try this candy.

It's hard on the outside, yet soft and mushy on the inside. Kind of like me.

Oh, me too.

And the best part is, I feel like I can open up to you.

Just think of me as Dr.

Phil with hair.

Well, I've only had one boyfriend before, and it didn't turn out so well.

What happened?

Tell Dr. Zach.

He told me he had a study, but I caught him kissing my best friend at the

movies. What a jerk.

It took me forever to get over that.

almost a month.

Well, you can trust me.

I know.

Thanks.

No kissing in the lobby?

No, I'll get you. Thanks. Oh, it's fine.

Zach, why is your backpack full of Ask Shirley letters?

All right.

You caught me.

I cannot tell a lie.

I deliver the letters to Shirley. She lives in Maine. Someone stole a bike,

broke her leg, and she's afraid of the bus.

Okay, M. Shirley.

That means you read my letter.

Which means...

It's taken him 13 years, but he finally pulled through for me.

and insensitive as you are.

Don't sweet talk me.

I'm not going to change my mind.

Oh, yes you are.

You have a responsibility to your readers.

They want Shirley.

They need Shirley.

They trust Shirley.

You know what?

You're right.

Shirley does have something to say.

That's my girl.

Once upon a time, there was a little puppy named Pokey.

on the outskirts of a town named Skokie.

He had lots of trouble trying to fall asleep.

So he lay down in his kennel and began to count sheep.

One sheep.

Two sheep.

Three sheep.

This isn't working. I know it's you, Esteban.

No, it's not.

Just give it up, Esteban.

Are you dead?

No!

How about I sing you a lullaby?

A little rich girl don't say a word.

Daddy's gonna buy you...

I'm too excited.

Carrie, sleeping, not shopping.

I'm trying, you hear? This isn't working.

Oh, oh, I know.

Let's all rock Miss London's bed.

Oh, okay.

Miss London? Uh -huh? Close your eyes.

Picture yourself in a boat.

Gently rocking in the waves.

Up and down. Stop, I'm getting bed sick!

You're so rich, you have diamond dust bunnies.

You know, I thought I felt something sort of lumpy underneath the mattress.

Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

This mattress must be two feet thick.

There's no way that you could have felt... Just like the princess

and the bee.

I'm so tired.

Oh, me too.

I'm beat.

Well, let's get out of here then and let her sleep.

I don't know about you guys, but I am...

Isn't that adorable?

Or not?

This is not the Ask Shirley column I approved.

I can't believe you used your entire Ask Shirley column to apologize to Darlene.

And then told the whole world that you're Shirley.

I felt like I was living a lie. I am not the woman everyone thought I was.

This is not about you. This is about something bigger than you. This is about

me.

I mean the paper.

But the paper isn't only just ask Shirley.

Oh, who are you kidding?

The paper is dead.

No one even cared about Barbara's editorial on chalk.

Harmless educational tools.

Hey,

Zach.

I need to talk to you.

Look, if you're here to kick me again, let me know, because I'll push Cody in

front of me.

I'm not here to kick you.

I'm here to thank you.

It takes a real man to apologize in public.

Surely.

He forgot his culmination again?

Why doesn't he just write it down?

for everything I did to you.

Zach, if you promise not to lie to me again, I'd like to give you another

chance.

I'll have to think about it, yes.

Oh, this is great.

You exploit me and my paper, manipulate a girl, then abandon me, destroy my

paper, and still get the girl?

Now what am I supposed to do?

Get a...

Well, I hope you had a pleasant stay, Mrs.

Winters. Go outside and enjoy that beautiful spring day.

Are these your bags?

Let me call you a cab.

One more like that, and there goes your raise.

Okay, I'm done.

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