Original subtitles

Man, this basketball is cheap.

Ain't coming back.

Well, what do you expect?

Mom got it free when she bought the family -sized cheese at Chief Charlie's.

Yeah, I guess I shouldn't complain.

We wouldn't have skateboards if it weren't for that sale on mayonnaise.

Must be.

Young Mr.

Cavanaugh. Haven't seen you in quite a while.

Where's my mom? Your mother's charity luncheon is still in session.

They're debating the health benefits of green tea versus chamomile. Hope things

don't come to a boil.

Mr.

Mosby, think you can open the ice cream bar a bit early today?

Absolutely not. There is no... I could go for an ice cream. Consider it open.

Let me call our frozen confections engineer.

Thanks, man. That was awesome.

Need anything else?

Yeah. A basketball that comes back up after it hits the ground.

Well, why don't you come back to my place? I've got dozens of basketballs

regulation court.

You have a basketball court outside your house?

Inside, right next to the bowling alley.

Tell Mom I'm taking the car.

You have a car?

Well, if you consider a stretch limo with a hot tub and a big screen TV a

then yeah.

Dude, where have you been all my life?

Hot tub called it.

Here I am in your life.

Here you are in mine.

Yes, we have a sweet life.

Roots of the time.

You and me, we got the world to see, so come on down.

We will be discussing the responsibility that comes with parenthood. In

preparation... This weekend, each of you will be taking care of one of these.

Did you take care of a doll?

Oh, not a doll.

This is a high -tech baby simulator.

It must be fed, changed, and nurtured.

Just like a real baby.

And if you don't, it will cry, and I will know.

You mean... No, dear.

There's a recorder inside.

Now, each of you will be paired with a partner. Oh, can I have London?

Oh, no.

I deal with babies all the time. This will be a cinch. Hello, eh?

London, you will be partnered with Maddie.

Goodbye, eh?

It's so cute.

Wow.

I'm starting to feel motherly maternal type feelings.

It loves you.

Great game, Zach.

You're an awesome player. Thanks.

Well, I would have done better, but my gel and soles are leaking.

These are so lifelike. Are those chocolate furs?

No, they're even more rare. They're plastic.

Man, Jack, you're tearing up the track.

Thanks. It's all in the finger.

Cody, why are you driving so slow?

Well, I don't want to exceed the speed limit.

Yeah, you wouldn't want to do that in a toy race car. You might get stopped by a

toy cop.

Toy cop, man, that's classic.

Hey, Zach, can you grab me a soda? Yeah, where? Soda fountain.

Oh, my.

He has a soda fountain in his room.

Do you have passion fruit tea?

No, and I don't have rice cakes either.

Here you go.

Oh, and I threw in a spritz of vanilla for you.

Thanks.

Whoa! You got the Z -Tech game system?

Yeah. You want it?

I don't play it much anymore, now that I've got the Zed 2 in my den.

Thanks, man. You're awesome.

Hey, cool skateboard.

Take it. I got 15 just like it. Hey, you want to go try it out on the vert ramp

I got in the backyard?

Sure.

I've got to go work on my speech.

But you guys go ahead.

I've got to hit the library anyway.

I'm representing the 8th grade in a big competition.

So you... Why don't you go get your exercise?

I'll be flexing the old coconuts.

Oh, what a beautiful baby.

Who's the mommy?

We are.

It's a doll.

We're practicing what it's like to be parents for a health class.

Oh, I know all about being a parent.

I remember when Dudley took his first steps.

Dudley's your pet chicken.

And I remember his first words, too.

What a smart chicken.

I know, isn't he?

Time to go shopping for London Jr. We are not calling it London Jr.

Why not?

Uh, because he's a boy?

How do you know?

Uh, because I've been the one changing his diapers?

Don't you... You think we should be dividing up the responsibilities?

We are. You take care of him, and I buy him stuff.

Yay, London Jr.

That's not a thing.

Now what would you do? Me?

Ladies, why do you have a crying baby in my lobby?

It's not a baby. It's your homework assignment.

Is there any way you can get your homework assignment to shut up?

We're trying.

He's crying because Maddie woke him up by yelling.

Or maybe he's crying because you refused to feed change or touch him. Hello?

Manager. Just give me that.

How do you turn the thing off?

No, no, no, no.

He's not a real baby. No, no, trust me. I love children.

Let me hold you, baby.

Hey, Cody,

want to go see a movie?

Oh, Killer Koala opened downtown.

I don't know.

I've really got to work on my speech. It's very important.

First prize is a golden tongue.

Come on.

We're talking about cute, furry, woodland creatures wreaking havoc on an

unsuspecting public.

Well, I guess a break won't hurt.

I'll go grab my turtlenecks so I can hide my eyes during the scary parts.

Come in.

Oh, hey, Theo. What's up?

I got two tickets for the Celtics game. Want to go?

Two tickets, huh?

Well, Cody and I were going to see Killer Koala.

Saw it. He was framed by the platypus.

These are poor thieves.

Are you kidding?

You mean close enough for them to sweat on us? And if we're lucky, bleed.

Okay, I'm in.

Hey, Zach.

I brought my sweater with a big pocket so we can bring our own popcorn and save

money, too.

Oh, hi, Theo.

Yeah, about that. Change of plans.

Theo's got tickets to the Celtics game. Oh, cool.

I'll go grab my defense side.

It's a capital D and then a picket fence.

I only have two tickets.

But you would have been my third choice.

But you have to do your speech thing, so it's cool, right?

Uh, yeah.

I guess so.

Come on, Zach. We don't want to miss shoot -around.

I got to tell my mom.

Want my defense sign?

That's okay.

I've already got my I'm a dork t -shirt in the car.

So, fellow American, look in the mirror and ask yourself.

Am I happy?

Like it?

Hmm.

Guess not.

I'm sorry, Cody.

It's just that I'm exhausted.

I was up all night taking care of the baby.

What baby?

I didn't even know you got married.

Please, Cody.

I'm only 16.

And I've never even kissed a boy.

Oh, please. Save it for the nuns.

I'm talking about the baby simulator Len and I had to take care of for health

class. Thank goodness she's finally helping out.

Maddie, I bought Lenny Jr. the most adorable cashmere sweater.

It's what all the best -dressed baby simulators are wearing.

I know it's a little big, but I figure he'll grow into it.

Okay, two things.

One, he's a doll.

He's not growing into anything.

Two,

where is he?

Calm down.

He's fine. He's with the nanny.

Nanny? You left our baby with a nanny? What?

I had 22 nannies and I turned out just fine.

London, you're missing the whole point of the assignment.

We're supposed to be taking care of the baby ourselves to learn responsibility.

But I am being responsible.

I installed a nanny cam on a stroller. Oh, don't you want your mother?

Oh, look.

Nanny Esteban likes it.

I named my son after you.

For the last time, his name is LeBron.

And guess what?

You're the godmother.

Godmother? She can't even mother her own child.

She handed him off to a nanny. Oh, is she good? Can I have her number?

This is ridiculous.

We are supposed to be the ones taking care of him. But I am taking care of

I didn't see you starting a trust fund.

Esteban, please bring over that suitcase.

But I'm with child.

Get over here with that suitcase if you want to be with paycheck.

Go right away, Mr. Rolton.

Are you okay?

Thanks, I'm fine. Not you.

The heritage that tipped in fortune.

It's air.

And he's fine, no thanks to you.

So, you still think a nanny's a good idea?

Esteban, you're fired.

As the nanny or as the bellboy?

As the nanny. But the day is young.

I've had it with you. You have the parenting skills of a toaster.

Tonight, I am going to stay with you and make sure you start pulling your weight

in this relationship and take care of our baby.

I'm not going to let your bad parenting cost me a grade.

Okay, but after we get our A on this assignment, I want a divorce.

Nothing special.

Really? Because I listen to it on the radio, and the cell takes one on a 65

-foot shot in double overtime.

Ho -hum.

So, how's the speech thing coming?

You'll hear Monday night.

Ooh, is it this Monday?

It always has been. It's been up on the fridge for three weeks.

Well, this Monday, Theo's got tickets to the Black Eyed Peas concert.

Oh, he and the peas go way back.

He knew them when they were the pods.

But I'll bring you back a Fergie bobblehead.

Don't bother.

Have fun with your new best friend.

Oh, come on, buddy. Don't be like that.

Cody?

Phone finger?

Now?

Okay, the bottle...

And the milk are heated up. Now can I feed him? No.

First you have to test it on skin.

Oh.

Is it okay?

It's fine.

Just feed him.

Sister Dominic had to pair me with you.

Darn nun.

There, I said it. I curse a nun and I don't care.

Darn nun.

Why is he crying now?

Well, he probably... He probably has gas.

Babies need to be burped to get the air up. You have to lightly tap him on his

back. Oh.

Hey, he stopped crying.

I did it. Yay me.

Remind me not to ask you to change his diaper.

Hey, Cody.

How's the speech coming?

Great, thanks. I've got three metaphors, two analogies, and a simile.

Can't wait to hear it. You know, I'm a sucker for a good simile.

I'm glad someone will be there, because Zach's too busy.

What do you mean?

He only has time for Theo now. Ever since he started hanging out with that

he's become completely different.

Honey, I think you're exaggerating a little bit.

Hey, Mom, have you seen my gold watch with the diamond accents?

We need to talk.

You bet we do.

Cody, go to your room, work on your speech.

Fine.

But the muse is gone!

You're not coming to Cody's speech?

I got plans.

Theo and I are going to see a concert tonight.

But he's been to all the special events in your life.

He sits there and watches all your basketball games, all your baseball

He's on the team.

Yeah, but he never plays.

And he gave you a standing ovation when you won the award for most improved in

remedial math.

It's just one speech, Mom. What's the big deal? I told him I'd bring him back

bobblehead. He can't be bought with a bobblehead.

Now, material things will not solve all your problems.

Works for Theo.

You know, I had a boyfriend once.

Oh, no. Here it comes.

He used to shower me with stuff.

Rings, bracelets, necklaces, clothes, shoes.

Oh, and there was this one pair of earrings. Mom. Sorry.

One day I realized I really didn't like him. What I really liked were the things

he gave me.

So you broke up with him? No, he dumped me.

But that's not the point. The point is, your friendship shouldn't be for sale.

So are you saying you're going to make me miss the concert and go to Cody's

speech?

No.

But while you are disappointing your brother, I want you to think about

or not Theo is a real friend.

So I can go to the concert? If you think that's the right thing to do. So I can

go to the concert? If you really want to. So I can go to the concert? If you

live with yourself.

I can.

Okay. I'm going.

Then go.

All right.

But while you're going, you think about you're disappointing your brother. I

have got to get better at this guilt thing.

Maddie, baby.

London, your turn.

I'll give you a hundred bucks.

I am so tired, no amount of money could get me up.

A thousand?

Rise and shine.

Here, now pay up.

It's okay, London Junior.

Don't cry.

I don't think asking him is going to help. He's been crying for two days

straight.

Here, get the pacifier.

Now what are we going to do?

I don't know. Do you have any suggestions?

I mean, besides, it's just boarding school.

Ladies, I am getting all sorts of complaints.

We don't know what to do. We won't stop crying.

Fine, then I'll tear out its batteries.

Don't you touch our baby.

He's a doll.

You bet he is. And you're not touching a hair on his little head.

There's gotta be hair on his little head. What are you doing? It's just

it worse.

Oh, just give him to me. Give him to me. He wants his mommy. I miss mommy too.

I buy nice things.

He likes me more. Well, she likes me more. I actually take care of him.

Hurry up!

I miss that little baby.

He was so cute.

Although the crying gave me a headache.

Goodbye, my little London.

For the last time, his name is LeBron.

What did you do? Play hockey with this baby?

No.

He fell out of a window.

We'd kind of gotten a little argument over our parenting style.

I guess we got so caught up arguing that we forgot about the baby. I mean, we

were both probably a little irritable because we hadn't slept for two days.

And the baby didn't stop crying the whole time.

Until he hit the ground.

Truth is, we just couldn't handle it.

We're not ready to be parents.

So, just go ahead and fail on me.

Fail you?

You completely understood the purpose of this assignment.

A plus!

I say the darndest things.

There you are. What took you so long?

What took me so long is that you called me and asked me to pick up all this

stuff on my way here.

I had to go to three stores just to find your cat's favorite.

Caviar and bits.

The new formula?

New formula.

Never mind.

We're late for the concert.

Let's get going.

Yeah, you know, the peas don't go on until nine.

So I was thinking on the way there, maybe could we stop by my school and

Cody's speech?

Yeah, then we can go to the park and watch grass die.

Look, I know it's not exciting, but he is my brother and it means a lot to him.

Who cares about Cody? You're hanging out with me now.

Here, put this under your shirt. I want to take the concert.

Isn't that illegal?

That's why I sent you your shirt.

You know, I'm not sure I want to go anywhere with you.

Fine. Why don't you go hang out with your lame brother?

My brother may be lame.

And a geek.

And a weenie. And he flosses between every bite.

And... What are we talking about again?

Oh, yeah.

Theo, you can't insult my brother. And you can't buy my friendship.

What are you saying?

I'm saying we're through.

Excuse me.

I only give Jam Force Maxes to my friends.

Take them!

And the sweatsuit.

Okay, fine.

And the pants.

I believe the bling bling is

mine mine.

At least now I can leave with my dignity.

I'm nervous, Mom. What if I get in front of the audience and freeze up?

Well, there's an old trick that always worked for me. Just picture the audience

in their underwear.

Hey, it works!

Honey, where are the rest of your clothes?

I gave them back to Theo.

The price was too high.

So you're coming to my speech?

Absolutely. So my guilt thing worked?

Yes, Mom.

I've learned two things today.

It's that one, you can't buy friendship. And two,

city bus drivers take pity on you when you're half naked.

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