Original subtitles

This afternoon.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs Mason. It's toddler clinic this afternoon.

And how old's your Billy? Ten?

Eleven?

What, 13?

Well, he's hardly a toddler, is he?

I tell you what, bring him in on Friday at five o 'clock.

You're welcome.

Bye -bye.

I'm so sorry about that, Mr, um... Taylor.

Robert Taylor.

Robert Taylor?

Now, where have I heard that?

Of course, Waterloo Bridge.

I'm sorry, I don't think I'm quite... The film with Robert Taylor and Vivien

Leigh. Oh, I see.

Oh, they don't make films like that nowadays.

Mind you, I liked Gandhi and I loved E .T.

But, well, Waterloo Bridge was a landmark, wasn't it?

Oh, you'll have to excuse me again.

Now, Mr Miller, what can I do for you?

Can I see the doctor?

Oh, Mr Miller.

Well, it's me eyes.

I'm not happy with them. Well, why didn't you bring them in last night?

Didn't have them last night. I woke up with them this morning.

Oh, well, let's have a look.

Oh, aren't your whites yellow?

Well, off you go into the waiting room. I'll see if I can fit you in. Oh, I'm

glad it'll be you. That other one never fits me in. She says I'm an eye -pole

something.

Chondriac.

And I'm the one that's being conned.

And you'll want fitting in as well, won't you, Mr Taylor?

Yes, I would appreciate it, because I have some exciting new product here,

I'd like the doctors to see. Well, it can't be this week, I'm afraid.

Before I forget... What's this?

Herbal soaps, with the compliments of my company. For me?

Oh, how lovely.

Well, four o 'clock soon.

Today? Mind you, it'll be Dr. Price, not Dr.

Sharp. But Dr.

Price is up there. Very brilliant, Doctor. Oh, yes.

I've been hearing... Oh.

Have you time for a cup of coffee?

We'll hardly know. If I'm to be back here by four, I should be pressing on.

Thank you so much, Mrs... Willis.

Mrs. Willis.

Yes, well, good day to thee.

Oh, um...

Any chance of Miss Parfitt being about?

Every chance. She'll be on the desk.

I look forward to that.

Will you?

No, we're very good friends, Miss Parfitt and I. Are you? Oh, well,

you'd better give these to her.

No, no, no. I have something special for her.

See you at four.

Something special?

For Edith Parfitt?

Well, if it's better than soap, we're swapping.

I'm doing what at four o 'clock?

Seeing a rep.

What rep?

This one. After two hours of toddler clinic, you expect me to... I don't even

know this man. Why did you give him an appointment?

He had brown eyes.

Which reminds me, why did you give Mr Miller an appointment? Don't tell me he

had yellow eyes.

Well, he had.

Last week he had blue lips.

He did?

He did. Whatever was wrong with him? He'd been stuck in a biro.

Ida, do me a favour, will you? Try to be more like Miss Parfitt.

Righty -hoo, Doctor.

You know what I mean. Oh, yes.

Say no, no, no.

Well, she's good at it, I'm not. I've never been any good at saying no.

Which is why I'm here today, right?

Oh, good, you're both here. I've got something to show you. Close your eyes.

You too, Robert.

Now what have you been wasting your money on? Right, you can open them.

It's only clockwork, Ida. Well, my heart isn't all quick, Shane. Have a listen.

Don't worry, you're all right. What do you want with a clockwork mouse? It's

for me. Sorry, Ida. Are you OK?

I'm settling.

I think I've just over -fibrillated.

You what?

Your word.

Oh, isn't it realistic?

Who's it for?

Romeo. Or Juliet.

Now, she's over -fibrillated.

It's a carpet kitten.

I didn't know she had one. She's getting it today.

She saw a notice in the corner shop. Good Homes wanted for five kittens.

So she's gone to choose one.

Oh, I see.

Robert. What?

I've been thinking.

Watch yourself, Shane.

Don't worry. Thinking what?

Well, I...

Parfitt's chosen her?

Yes. There'll be four left, won't there?

Very good, Ange.

Yes, Ange, there will, Ange. And no, Ange, you can't, Ange. Oh, why not?

I'll tell you why not, because it'll fall on me if I don't fall on it.

They get between your feet, you know, when they're not leaping up on the

draining board and sticking their paws in your pudding.

For once, Ange, I'm sorry I am on Shane's side. Now, don't look like that.

can go and play with Miss Parfitt.

I will go and play with the carpet, and I'll never ask either of you for

anything again.

Ida, we've cracked it.

Oh, good, you're all here.

I don't tell me you want us to close our eyes. I want you all to meet Romeo.

Or possibly Juliet.

Well, don't you know which?

Well, not yet. I've only had him. Well, her, him. But we've only been together

once. Half an hour?

Give it to me. I'll tell you what it is. Oh, no, you won't in front of Miss

Parfait.

Well,

are your hands warm?

Yes. Very gently, then.

Oh, isn't he beautiful?

I think he is a hero. So do I. There's something macho about him.

Macho?

Look, Ida.

I'm sorry, Ange. I'm sorry, Miss Parfait, but... I must be honest, as far

concerned, kittens are nothing but a little... Can I hold him? Watch it, Ida.

Very gently now.

Oh, and they're both wrong, aren't they, Juliet?

Oh, look at her little eyes.

Very nice.

Is it house trained?

Oh, give her a chance.

Oh, perhaps you'd better take her back, Miss Parfait.

There's a good boy. Now I must take you home and introduce you to your

grandmother.

Before you go, I've got something for him.

Ah! Oh,

it's a mouse. Oh, Romeo, Romeo, your very own mouse.

Now, bear your manners. Say thank you very much.

Thank you very...

Hey, look, let me sex it for you. I won't tell you again.

Well, sherry bye, everybody.

Do you know, I really believe this is the happiest day of my whole life.

And the tragedy is, she's probably right.

All she wants is something to love.

That's all anyone wants.

You've got custard on your chin.

Red sauce.

Does Dolores make bread sauce?

Oh, don't start. him off again. We had Dolores with the soup, Dolores with the

chicken, Dolores with the trifle. Ida. What?

Any chance of Dolores with the brandy?

You're a trier, Wilfred. Yeah, so's Dolores.

When did you meet her, Wilfred? Sunday. And not in church, that's for certain.

It was in the churchyard.

What was she doing there?

Taking flowers to a loved one?

No, she was taking a short cut to the wagon and horses.

Yeah, she's a good time girl, this Dolores.

Oh, yeah? She hasn't got a sister, has she?

Shame. So she's a bit of a goer, is she? Well, she takes a lot of keeping up

with and all that.

Here.

Shame. What?

Can you, uh... Can you let me have something? Oh, well.

If a tenner's any use. Oh, tar.

But that's not what I wanted. Then it's not what you're getting.

Put it back and lock your wallet.

What did you want?

Well, when I was young... Ah, now, listen to this, Angie. This is history,

I'll take note.

Ignore them, Wilford. Go on. When you were young... Well, now, what did they

call it?

Spanish fly.

You... I know, I know. Can you get us a patty? Ah, shame.

What's Spanish fly, Robert?

People used to think it was an aphrodisiac. Shame.

Oh, like oysters.

Oh, yes.

That's what Robert told me. Oh, shame.

You do better to smoke pot. Is that what you do?

I don't believe this.

Well, I don't need to, because I'm years younger than you.

So's Dolores.

Oh, go on, give him his brandy, Ida.

No, it's not all sex, you know, with me and Dolores.

I didn't think it could be.

There's a lot up top.

Then it must be all hers.

The thing is, she always wants to be out on the rattle, you know. If this goes,

this goes, bingo, I'm never at home.

Mind you, I put my foot down. I told her, This Friday, supper at my place.

Dinner adieu at the gravedigger's cottage.

Ooh, I pay money to be a fly on the wall.

May I come in? Miss Parfitt, yes, come in, love.

Sit down.

Would you like a dollop of trifle? I apologise for that dollop, Miss Parfitt.

Can I help you to an L -pin?

No, thank you. I'm not hungry.

How's Romeo?

I wish I knew.

Oh, he's not lost?

No, not...

Whoever this is, I hope he wants cremating.

I'm saving his strength for Dolores.

What happened, Miss Parfitt?

Mother happened.

She took one look at poor little Romeo and said it's me or him.

No contest.

Parfait, you poor dear.

Shane. What?

Say something.

Oh, well, look, Miss Parfait, I'm sure you can always get another kitten when

your mother finally... ..changes her mind.

You mean when she dies, don't you?

No, no.

I mean... Are you at toddler clinic, Doctor?

The trouble is, she won't die.

She's immortal.

And the tragedy is, she's probably right.

And not your cup of tea, love. Oh, thank you very much.

You're not still upset about your kitty, are you?

Well, I am. But I'm hanging on in there.

That's a good girl.

What's this?

It's a present from Mr. Taylor.

Well, he said something special, but I've no idea he meant this special.

Do you know what this stuff got?

Well, he always brings me something nice.

Mother thinks he's got designs on me.

Never mind, Mother. What do you think?

Hey, look, Shane and him will be finished in a minute, won't they? Yes.

when he comes to say goodbye, get him to ask you out.

Why?

He'll take your mind off Romeo.

Oh, no, well, I mean, you never know, you might enjoy it.

Do you think so?

Well, I think it's worth a try.

Or are you happy to grow old along with mother?

No, I'm not.

What do I do?

Well, like I said, get him to ask you out.

But, Mrs Willis, how?

How what?

How will I get him to ask me out?

It's Janet and Jonathan.

Well, he's a man, right?

Oh, yes.

And you're a woman, right?

Well... Never mind well.

And it's time you let him know you are.

But, Mrs Willis... Oh, now what?

How?

Have a squirt of this to start with.

And then just... Yes?

Well, just plain flirt with him.

Flirt?

Oh, you mean flutter my lashes?

No, love, no.

Only Bambi ever got away with that.

Look, what do they do in all these romantic novels you keep reading?

Well, they usually go to a...

and roll naked in the sun.

On page one?

As often as not.

No wonder Jane Austen's out of the charts.

Well, I don't think you'll need to go as far as a sun -soaked isle.

You play your cards right, you won't even have to leave Heathrow.

Well, I couldn't, could I? Oh, don't be so defeatist. Why not?

Who'd look after Mother?

Well, if that's the only obstacle, I would.

But now let's get back to Janet and John.

You have got to catch Mr Taylor's eye. Now, how are you going to do that?

I'll drop something.

Like what?

My hand kick.

Well,

it's a start.

Look, come on, come out from behind that desk and let's have a practice. And

just remember...

Today, a handkerchief. Tomorrow, a sun -soaked eye.

Thank you very much, Mr Taylor.

Thank you for sparing the time, Doctor.

If that's everything.

Well, there is one more thing.

Oh, yes?

Miss Parfitt.

Yes? Now, I do have a reason for asking you this.

Is she, um, attached?

Attached? To what?

Oh, no.

I mean, does she live alone?

Oh! No.

Pity. You can say that again. Pity.

Oh, you mean she's not happy?

You've obviously not met her mother.

Oh, she lives with her mother. That's all right, then.

I don't think Miss Parfitt would agree with you. But why do you want to know

this, Mr Taylor?

I... I fancy her.

What did you say about these?

Hallucinatory side effects.

You haven't been taking them, have you?

No, of course not, Doctor. I've always fancied her.

I keep meaning to ask her out.

Oh, I don't think you should agree to go. She's very shy and reserved and...

Well, you can give it a try.

I believe I will.

Buy it just once more.

If you think it's worth it.

Now, that felt better to me.

Did it?

It wasn't, though, was it?

Well, no, love.

There's something missing, isn't there? I'm afraid there is.

But what? What?

Miss Parfitt? Yes?

You haven't got your suspenders twisted?

Oh, be in touch then, Mr. Taylor. Well, thank you again, Doctor, and as soon as

this... Is

this

yours, Miss Parfitt?

Well, no, as a matter of fact, it's my mother's.

I'm just getting over a runny cold, you see. So, of course, I've been using all

my...

Not at all.

Ira, could I have a word, please? Later.

Miss... Miss... Miss Parfitt, I have been wondering... Yes?

Would you care to join me for... Yes.

I don't know whether you're free or... I am.

Friday evening? I will be.

Well, look here. Are you on your way home? Yes.

No, you're not. You're on till five.

Sure.

Well, may I offer you a lift?

Oh, that would be wonderful.

I'll take you the pretty way. It's longer.

Good night, Mrs Willis.

Good night, Dr Price.

Miss Andy.

What on earth? Come over here. I have.

I decided it was my bounden duty to liberate her.

Well, you did a good job.

Any minute now, she'll be burning her bra.

Don't say that. That'll undo everything.

Oh, I wonder how she's getting on.

I wonder how Wilfred's getting on.

Wilfred? Well, isn't it tonight he's having his dinner adieu with Dolores?

Oh, I've forgotten all about that. Poor Dolores.

I wonder what he's giving her.

Oh, I think we know what he's giving her.

To eat...

It's bound to be something and chips.

Probably chips and chips.

I wonder what Mr Taylor's giving Miss Parfitt.

I know what I hope he's giving her.

And I just got told off.

Now, you know what I mean.

You know, Mr Taylor, it's probably her very last chance.

That's why I'm sitting here with everything crossed.

Well, let's hope she isn't.

No, Angie, it's quite right.

You see, you...

are a wife.

I am a mother.

So we've both been... Go on.

Well, we have.

And poor Miss Parfitt hasn't.

And I'd hate her to go to her grave marked, returned unopened.

I hope it's the tale of night to her.

Do you mean gentle to her?

She's so innocent, Robert. She didn't even know what drink to ask for.

Please be kind, Mr Taylor.

This is my first tequila sunrise.

What on earth?

One question.

Do I live in a hovel? Yes. Thank you.

Come back.

What is all this? I've been dumped.

By Dolores?

You never met her, did you?

No. You never will now.

I'd got such a lovely dinner.

I'd slaved over it.

Giving her?

Pork pie, mushy peas, love and ready chips.

Am I dribbling?

Oh, and tomato ketchup, if desired.

I hope you are at the top of the bottle.

I did, and put clean newspaper down.

Where? On the table.

She's very fastidious, is Dolores.

And she's been going out with you?

Not anymore.

Oh, Wilfred, she'll be back.

Oh, I'm not unhappy.

If anything, I'm relieved.

I couldn't keep up with her.

So you were saying the other day?

Yeah. I'm in the autumn of my days, Arsene.

And the days dwindle down to a precious year.

Oh, and you give him a drink and shut him up.

Oh, it's all happening here tonight, isn't it? Oh, is it?

I'm afraid it's me again.

Miss Murphy.

May I come in? Of course.

And may I bring a friend?

Well, I'm not really dressed for... Oh, of course. Right.

She must have clicked.

She didn't waste any time.

I know what I overlooked.

Mood music.

Now, listen, you. Miss Parfitt's bringing a gentleman friend in, so just

watch your P's and Q's and don't go tapping on your glass when you want

And here's my Romeo.

Well, I've heard of the Frog Prince.

Where's Mr Taylor?

I sent him packing.

two tequila sunrises, mind.

They're good, aren't they?

Oh, eh.

But why did you send him packing, Miss Parfitt?

Because he's sailing under false colours.

Oh, don't tell me he was a married man.

Was. Was?

Divorced. Isn't that better? It means he's free to marry you. Never. What does

Mother always say?

I dread to think.

If one woman wasn't enough, then a hundred women won't be.

Returned unopened.

Romeo, I must have something to love. But what about Mother?

If Mother doesn't like it, she can lump it.

My blood's up, Mrs Price.

And doesn't it do, sir? Are you sure about this, Miss Parfitt? It's not just

tequila sunrise you're talking.

No, it's not.

But that was.

Haven't you eaten anything, love?

No, I haven't. It ordered me squampy and chips, but that was before the bus

stop. Did you say chips?

Do you like chips?

Do you like pork pie?

And mushy peas? And tomato ketchup? I'm dribbling.

Edith, come home with me.

Mr Willis.

What for?

Pork pie and chips.

Come home along with me.

The best is yet to be.

Nope, that means bakewell tart for after.

Will you excuse us, Mrs Willis? Any time, Miss Farfetch. Night, everybody.

See you when we see you.

I wonder when that'll be. When they come up for air.

Do you think Miss Parfitt will be all right with Wilfred?

Will Wilfred be all right with Miss Parfitt? Her blood was up.

Oh, look. Can I hold him? Can you what? Hold Romeo.

Oh, I've forgotten all about him. Oh, talk about being left all in the baby.

Oh, give it to me. I'll chase after them. Oh, must he, Ida?

Yes, love, he must. You know what this is, don't you?

It's the thin end of the wedge.

Before we know where...

He had to look at me like that. All right, then. You can stay just for

But if I catch you anywhere near my training board... Go and get his

clockwork mouse, Shane.

Aye, dear.

Well, mummy's little room.

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