Original subtitles

That's my boy, that's my boy

And they're over the last and into the home straight. Come on, Flying Mountain!

Come on, Flying Mountain!

And they're taking spades from Flying Mountain. And Flying Mountain coming up

the inside with Gentleman Jim making ground on the outside. And it's

Jim from Ace of Spades.

Where's Flying Mountain?

And it's Gentleman Jim from Ace of Spades. And it looks like a photo for

I should have gone for a place.

Yes, a photo it is. A photo between Morning Glory and Little Devil. Little

Devil? Where's Flying Mountain?

There he is, just coming in now.

I don't know where his jockey is, though.

Oh, not there.

What's the matter? It's only Ida. I know who it is.

Then why are you trembling?

Because I know who it is.

Oh, those shops on a Saturday. The people go mad. Hello, Wilfred. I'm glad

you're still here. I want to show you what I've got with me winnings. What

winnings? £40.

How much?

Well, I had a pound to win.

And at 40 to 1, that's £40.

Less your place money.

Oh, yes, I know that.

Oh. Oh, I am grateful, Wilfred. Stand up so I can give you a great big kiss.

Come here, joke.

Now then, where does she live?

Who? Well, the horse, of course.

What horse?

My horse, Flying Mountain.

You had money on Flying Mountain? Yes, thanks to Wilfred.

And I want to know where she lives, you see, so I can send her a bag of sugar

lumps.

Oh, would that be bad for her teeth? Never mind, I'll make it a bunch of

carrots. Because she did win this lovely skirt for me.

You're trembling again.

Wouldn't you?

Will I put you out of your agony?

Will you?

Gladly. Ida? What, love? Look, it's got a little kit pleat. Oh, don't you think

it's pretty?

You lost.

Lost what?

Forty pounds.

Plus your place money.

Plus my... You mean... You mean... Can't pull the carrot.

I did, sir, you said.

The best laid plans of mice and men half gangaglay are, Ida. Never mind mice.

What about Ida's horse? How come that gangaglay?

That's a good question, that is.

It's a mystery to me, Shane.

I drink with a trainer and he swore blind... Don't go on, Wilfred. Any

drinks with you, his horsey should be pulling milk float. Right.

But don't be hard on me, Ida. As if I would. Stand up again so I can knock you

down.

We've still got a chance.

To do what? To recoup our losses.

What do you mean, hour?

More to the point, how?

Well, Flying Mountain has a stable companion.

A stable companion?

That's horse talk for living lover.

Is it?

No wonder she lost, she were tired out.

Parson's pleasure.

Parson's pleasure? What that dare I ask?

It's run in Doncaster next week, it's a dead cert, Ida, we can't lose.

Oh, that's what you said about Flying Mountain, it's a dead cert, it can't

Somebody at the hospital tipped me Parthens Pleasure. All the porters are

I hope it's got a broad back.

Ida.

I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.

Watch it, Ida.

Don't worry.

I'm going to put five pounds of me own money on Parthens Pleasure in your name.

If it wins, you can pay me. If it loses, you can owe me. What do you pay?

This. If it wins, you live.

If it loses, you die.

On your way.

I'm on my way, I'm on my way. Good.

Now, Shane, tidy away those beer cans. Your other mummy's coming to tea.

What was that?

I said, his other mummy's coming... Oh, my big mouth.

Oh, I think I'll form that bet in, you know, and accept that kind invitation,

Shane. I never spoke.

Well, you didn't have to. You want me to stay to tea? I'll be glad to.

An afternoon on for me, as you might say.

On for me?

Oh, I love it.

Je regret, Monsieur Mitterrand, but on your bicyclette.

Let him stay, Ida. Have you gone raving? You know what effect he has on your

other mother. He always manages to upset her. It's not intentional.

Look, the last time she came, you ran your hand up and down her leg.

How could that not be intentional?

I lost control.

I fancy her, you see. I really do say it. I really fancy her. Well, that's a

right shame, because she doesn't fancy you. I will go further.

Ida. No, it's got to be said. She told me herself. She finds him utterly...

Revolting. Yes.

They all do.

At first.

I can wait.

Not here, you can't. Out!

Out, out, out, out! Do you want me to go? Yes! I can take the hint.

Bye, Shane.

Bye, Ida.

Oh, why is it that I always feel sorry for him the minute he's out of the room?

Did you say something?

Out! Out, out, out, out, out!

You should have been there, Aunt. She took him apart.

Oh, well, Fred.

I just hope you haven't damaged him for life, Heidi. Damaged him for life? I

never touched him, Angie. I never laid a finger on him. You deliver some pretty

nasty blows to his psyche.

Well, men like Wilfred don't deserve to have a psyche.

He's been married three times, you know. It's time he put his psyche out to

grub.

Heidi, you do know what a psyche is, do you?

Of course I do.

Then tell me.

Not while there's food on the table.

Speaking of food, can I have one of those? You'll have these crusts. Big

Look, we can't start before your other mother arrives. It's not good manners.

Mind you, she is late.

Thanks, Ida.

It's funny about your mother and Wilfred, isn't it? I can't think what he

in her.

Oh, she's not bad looking.

Well, neither's Nelson's column.

But you wouldn't take in flowers every Friday.

He doesn't take her flowers.

Every Friday, regular as clockwork.

Why Friday?

It's the park keeper's day off.

He's a trier, I'll give him that.

Oh, here she is. Now, gird your loins, polish up your smile, and not a word

about Wilfred, and none of your little jokes.

Like what?

Like, wipe that innocent expression off your face. I remember last time.

Hello, Juliet, and how's your Romeo?

Oh, she went all the colours of the rainbow.

And none of them matched her up.

Do you want me to go?

Oh, how eagerly you said that.

We'll all go.

A trouble shared is a trouble halved.

Come on.

Now, remember what I said.

Good, I'll learn.

And not a word about Wilfred.

Ready? Right.

Good afternoon, Mrs Willis. Good afternoon, Mrs Price.

How did it happen, Mother?

I don't know.

How did you come before?

I didn't actually fall, dear.

The thing is, I'd made a batch of rock cakes. I know how Mrs Willis loved my

rock cakes. I'm too good a liar.

And I had them in a bag, which was foolish. I should have had them in a

Ready for burial.

But no, I had them in a bag, and just as I came in the foyer, what happened? The

bag split.

My cakes were everywhere. I dived to catch one, tripped on another... And

flat on your fanny in the foyer.

I don't know. I think I must have had a little blackout.

All I know is that when I came to, my good Samaritan was patting my cheek.

Good thing you came, too.

How lucky you were there, Wilfred. Wasn't it?

When you're ready to go home, Chuck, I'll go with you. You know, settle you

and... Control you.

Don't worry, Mother. I'll take you home after tea. Just say when you feel like

going. Yes, well, it's a question of...

Put your hand up, dear. I will. You will not.

Just take my arm. I'm all right on my good ankle. Let's just see if I can... I

can't stand, and if I can't stand, I can't walk, and if I can't walk, what am

going to do?

Ida, could we, um... Have a little word in the kitchen?

Hmm. Hmm.

a little word. Yes, I know. And you shall have a little word, a very little

word. In fact, they don't come much littler. No.

N -O. Now, shall we join the others? Oh, Ida, she sprained her ankle. Have a

heart. Have a heart? What about you? Did you have a heart after Wilfred had his

prostrate done?

Prostate, Ida. That's what I said.

I nurse that prostrate single -handedly.

Members of the jury, I put it to you.

from my doctor son.

Because you didn't need any help either. You cope marvellously. That's why I

know how well you'll nurse my mother. Oh, excuse me, Your Honour.

One prostrate doesn't make a summer, Shane.

And there's a lot of difference between a prostrate and an ankle.

Ancles are easier, I'd be honest.

Not hers.

Nothing of hers is easier.

You won't let her stay? I'm sorry, Shane, but I'm afraid not.

All right, fair enough. I'll go and pack a few things.

What do you mean? pack a few things.

Well, if she can't stay here, I'll have to go and stay there. You will not.

You'll take her home, of course. I mean, you'll take her home and settle her in.

And then what, leave her?

No, get her a nurse. There are agencies.

I know. I just don't want a stranger nursing my mother.

Oh. She won't be any trouble, Ida.

Look, she won't, I promise.

Oh, all right.

Ida, Mrs. Price would like two eggs, please.

Lightly, please.

Brown bread and butter, a pot of tea.

Oh, and a hot water bottle. But only when you've time.

Members of the jury, my case rests.

How did you sleep?

Badly. Oh, dear, weren't you comfy on the fatigue?

Was Anne Boleyn comfy on the block?

Of course I wasn't comfy on that fatigue, mainly because I kept rolling

These hips, black and blue.

Oh, dear, they won't do at all.

Well, look, tonight... You'll book me into the Hilton.

No, I'll sleep on the fatigue.

Oh, aren't you kind.

Where will the rest of us go?

Oh, well, Angie can have your bed.

Go on.

And you and my mother can share ours.

Sorry. So you should be.

Right, I think that's everything.

Toast with the crusts cut off.

Little curls of butter.

Two of them fell on the floor, but don't.

Chunky marmalade, and I hope it chokes her.

And a nice pot of tea.

She likes orange juice.

Well, she's got orange juice. I don't suppose you've got any flowers?

Well, not on me. Why?

You know, like in hotels where you get a single rose in a vase.

I know exactly what you mean. You're absolutely right.

Just that little finishing touch.

How's that?

Perfect. I'll take it through.

And you would, wouldn't you? And say with love from Ida. Oh, go on.

Oh, no, hold on a minute.

What? I think I forgot the milk.

And it's only eight o 'clock in the morning.

Oh, not again.

What's that?

Well, it's her, isn't it? I said, ring if you want me, and she's wanted me six

times since breakfast.

Would I please twitch her curtains? Would I please plump her pillows? Would

please change her water? Would I please... No, she does say please.

Oh, yes, she says please.

But she never says thank you.

Oh, come in.

Where did she get that bell?

Well, it's the one you brought me back from Switzerland.

Oh, the cowbell.

Appropriate, isn't it?

You rang?

Three times, Mrs Willis. Oh, I'm so sorry. I was looking for me cap and

What can I do for you this time?

First of all, if you wouldn't mind picking up my book. It fell off the bed.

I know exactly how it feels.

Well, if that's everything... Oh, not quite everything.

Why don't you sit down?

Oh, too kind.

Not at all. It is your room.

So it is.

You must find it very small. Only with you in it.

worries, of course. Where will we put all my friends?

All your friends?

Oh, no problem.

I'll fetch another chair.

You're joking, I know, to take my mind off the pain. But seriously, my friends.

Well, what about them?

They'll have to be told I'm here.

Will they?

Well, is it worth it? I mean, you'll be going home in a couple of days.

Oh, I think a couple of weeks might be nearer the mark.

A couple of weeks?

Or even a couple of months.

Just a couple of minutes?

I will ring my friends, won't you, and tell them where I am and how I am, and

ask them to tea. Here's the list.

Well, I can't promise to ring them all before lunch.

I can't promise to ring them all before Christmas.

It is rather long.

Long? It's a life's work.

I mean, do they all have to be told where you are and how you are?

And do they all have to come to tea?

Divide them into small groups, I should. Like 20, 30?

And some of these are long distance. What about them? They'll want more than

and crumpets, won't they?

I'm not ruining Sid's cafe, you know.

Another little joke.

I don't suppose the long distance one could, um... Stay the night?

Yes. No. Ring if you need me.

What now?

You forgot the list.

36 rock cakes, 36 cherry cakes, 36 jam tarts, 36 scotch... Hang on.

Two, four, six... Hi, Ida. Never mind, hi, Ida. Was it you who ate the six jam

tarts? No.

Then it must have been Shane. I'll kill him. I will. I'll kill him.

He was hungry, Ida. He didn't have any lunch.

Lunch? Angie, I've got 15 people coming to tea tomorrow, 15 coming on Tuesday,

15 Wednesday, 15 Thursday. I'm going to be chained to...

call me Mrs Kipling. I do make it seem that way.

What can I do to help?

Well, what you're supposed to be doing to help, phoning your way through her

rotten lip.

I had to stop her butt to nail.

Hey, what a shame. I'd better stop her bust to gut.

How many did you do?

Ten. Oh, well, that's not bad. I did 15 and they're all coming. What about

yours? Great, though. Monday at three.

No, love, Tuesday at three.

You said you'd say Monday.

No, I said I'd say Monday and you'd say Tuesday.

Sorry. Sorry.

Thank goodness you did bust a nail.

That's 25 people we've got coming tomorrow.

25 of our rotten friends in hats.

Oh, look.

Ida. What?

When I stopped phoning, Robert took over.

Eh? And he's saying Monday as well.

He isn't! Shame!

Shame!

Bedworthy now Bellinger.

Aberdeen 76... Aberdeen? On my phone, Bill?

Oh, well, she is one of my mothers.

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! What's the matter?

How many have you rung?

Seven. Seven? How many are coming?

Eight. Eh?

One's got a sister staying.

She would have.

Well, that's 33 people we've got coming to tea tomorrow.

You should have staggered them, Ida. It would have made much more sense.

Ten tomorrow, ten the next day, ten the next.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I did stagger them, but my clothier son and his child wife had to go and

unstagger them.

Do you mean we got it wrong?

Yes, Einstein, you've got it wrong.

I don't. panic. I'll ring them back and say, there's been a mistake and can they

come some other day? How's that?

Rotten. Why?

Because Tinkerbell will think I can't cope.

But can you cope?

Can I cope? Can I cope?

Can a duck swim?

Can a fish fly?

Well, of course I can cope. I've won cups for coping.

Here's to copers the whole world over.

33.

Coming.

She's in the lounge. I think you'd better go and have a look at her. Why?

Just go and see.

Oh, and Robert.

Hmm?

If she has to go away, can we take her ourselves?

More tea, Miss...

Oh, Mrs.

Bellinger, do try one of my cherry cakes.

Major thumbstep.

Oh, Mrs.

Campbell, while your sister's got her teeth in, would you press her to a

cucumber sandwich?

Ida. Oh, did she ring? Didn't I hear? Should I have gone? Did I go? Am I here?

Am I there?

Oh, shall we dance?

Ida. Don't tell me I left the oven on. Oh, don't tell me I burnt me bun.

Come and sit down, Ida. Come on.

Oh, hey, excuse me, love.

Oh, go and get a rock cake.

Now, you stay there. I'm getting you a drink. Oh, no, no. Jane, help me

entertain your mummy's friends.

Oh, Miss Bedworthy, this is my boy. Her boy. Our boy. Not you.

Ida? Yes, love? I think it's time they all went home, don't you? Oh, high time.

Three of them came before lunch, and they wanted omelettes.

Which three? I'll get rid of them first.

The three on the sofa.

Right.

I'm sorry, ladies, but the party's over.

It's been great seeing you. And you.

And you. And nice to see you too.

Oh, was it you who brought the flowers?

Or was it the grapes?

Thank you very much.

Thank you for coming. Your coats are in the hall. My wife will see you out.

Goodbye.

Goodbye. Shane.

Just a minute, Ida.

Goodbye, Major Bumson. Thanks for coming.

Goodbye.

Yes, I do.

Who were you talking to?

All of the people.

What people?

The people who were here.

But they weren't here, were they?

No. Then why were you talking to them?

Because... Oh, let's have a drink.

Oh, I wonder if I should. What day is it? Wednesday.

Then I shouldn't.

Why not?

Because it's Thursday tomorrow and I've got 25 people coming to tea.

I'm right out of self -raising flour.

Oh, do you know, it's times like this when I thank goodness for the late

Indian.

Oh, shit.

Why ever did I say I could cope?

Oh, but you have coped, Ida. You've coped wonderfully.

And you won't have to cope any more.

Won't I?

No. Now, where's that list?

I'm going to ring them and say if they want to see my mother, they'll have to

wait until she's in her own home. Oh, when will that be, Shane? When will that

be? Well, her ankle's practically better. It's just a question of...

her. Right.

And we're right out of dynamite.

And I don't think you can buy dynamite at the late night, Indian.

It's all my own fault, you know. No, it's not. It is, it is.

I made her too welcome.

Just like I made Wilfred too welcome when he had his prostration.

Egg custards, bacon sandwiches. He didn't want to leave either.

Has he been round?

No. I wouldn't let him. Mind you, he phones three times a day.

Only I have enough on my plate without him.

Poor old Wilfred. Poor old Wilfred nothing.

I can't let him loose on her when she's in this state. He's bad enough when

she's up and dressed but in bed.

Oh, I couldn't take the responsibility.

Shane?

What?

Maybe we're not out of dynamite.

Just for me.

She really asked for me.

Oh, she begged for you, didn't she, Shane?

Cried for you.

Sobbed for you.

I knew she would in the end.

I've done what the song said.

I've played me the waiting game.

Who's revolting now, Angie?

Not you, Wilfred.

What's that smell?

It's me flash on cologne.

Where is she? She's in her boudoir waiting for you.

Oh, passionflower, here I am at last.

We'll give her to the count of ten, shall we? I would say five, only we've

to allow for a limp.

Then what?

Well, then she'll be out, won't she? Boots on, drawers on, hat on, we won't

a bum for dust.

I do feel bad about this, Ida. Not as bad as I've felt all week. 34, 35,

That's what I counted to, 35. You can't have.

I hope nothing's gone wrong.

I think it must have.

But he is revolting, isn't he?

Well... Oh, God, what have we unleashed?

What's happening, Ida? Don't stop me. I've got to get to the late -night

before they close.

She wants a bottle of Beaujolais and he wants a six -pack of lager. And by the

way, Parsons' pleasure was pit...

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