Original subtitles

Oh boy.

bath when I finish with it. No, thanks. I haven't got time.

Mind you, if I got in with you... We'd both be late.

Worth it, though.

Robert!

Listen, you'll never guess what I've got.

Ooh, doesn't that bath smell lovely?

And for two pins, I'd jump in myself. But then, I'd only get chased all round

Tesco's, wouldn't I?

Again. Ida? Yes, love? Whatever happened to privacy?

It walked out when I walked in. You've got soup behind your ear.

Guess what I've got. Go on, guess.

I've got no time for playing games this morning. You would have time for playing

games if she'd let you get in that bath.

You were listening.

I know, I do. It's one of my lovable qualities.

I've got your postcard from Bournemouth. From my other mother? Well, who else do

I know that are good at Bournemouth out of season?

What did she say?

Well, I haven't read it yet, but it's not wish you were here. We know that.

Hello. What?

Light and shade will be yours this day.

What's that mean, Shane?

Light and shade?

Don't know. Perhaps she's bought you a table lamp. Well, I hope she's kept the

receipt because I've already got a table lamp.

Well, your eggs are ready when you are.

Light and shade.

What? There's another funny thing. She signed herself Cecilia.

But you don't call her Cecilia.

Right, it's one of the few things I don't call her.

I know, she bought this card for somebody else, lost the address and

to waste the stamp. Which is second class.

I thought it must be. She's been home since Friday.

Has she?

That's when she was due back. Oh, how funny.

Why? Do you think she'd have phoned? Yes, or come over. I mean, when do I get

table lamp?

Perhaps she's decided to stay on in Bournemouth. Look, she's on a five -day

bargain break.

Five minutes over and you pay the full rates. No, she's home all right.

But still, it's funny that she hasn't been in touch.

Oh, she's not poorly, surely.

My mother, she's never poorly. She's got the constitution of an ox. And the face

to go with it.

Ida. Sorry.

She might be poorly, you know.

No, she'd ring.

Not if she couldn't reach the phone.

Angie, the phone is by her bed.

She might not be in her bed.

Well, she's not in anyone else's.

She might have had an accident. She might be lying on the floor in a pool of

blood. Oh, Angie.

lying in a pool of blood. She's not doing it in the hall.

Oh, you are, Paulie. I've got you out of bed.

How wonderful to see you.

Me? Oh, yes, you are, Paulie. Go on, back to bed. How's your hot water

Please, I am well in body and mind.

Then why are you wrapped up in a sheet?

This is a robe of contemplation.

It's a robe to catch your death in.

Look, can we go through to the warm?

Follow, follow, follow.

The merry, merry pipes off.

What is going on?

Well, no cleaning for a month.

No, I don't want to seem inquisitive.

Is it still damp?

No. Then why are you sitting on the floor?

Well, yes.

Join me, please.

I'll do my best.

You'll have to give me a minute, though.

Yeah, now that's more comfortable, isn't it?

Well, no, not really.

No, we've had our... May I press you to a sunflower seed?

No, thanks. I'm trying to give them up.

Now, look, I mean, we've always been friends, haven't we? All is friendship.

All is love. All is light and shade.

Well, I suppose you're right.

I'm in no position to argue.

Hang on.

Light and shade. You wrote to me about that, didn't you?

Do you remember?

For the light is brighter than the shade.

Yes. And the shade is darker than the light.

Yes.

She didn't get that off a box of matches.

Look, I've got to get up. My knees are locking.

Hello? Whoever's that?

That is Brother Laylaw.

Brother who?

Brother Laidlaw. He has changed my life.

Well, I can see something else.

Have you known him long?

He came to me in Bournemouth and made me his own.

Did he?

He explained to me the mysteries of light and shade.

Is he an electrician?

He's all...

to all men.

Oh, yes.

And what is it to you?

He is the controller of my destiny.

And of your purse, I shouldn't wonder.

Money is a burden.

Oh, and he's relieving you of it.

I begin to see a bit of light and shade myself.

This is going to take some time.

I think I will have a sunflower seed.

I wish I'd been.

Oh, I'm glad you didn't, haven't you, really? It was pathetic.

Who is this Laidlaw, anyway?

Brother Laidlaw, please.

Well, he's a con artist, isn't he?

But where did she find him?

Well, I suppose you'll have to know, and I'm really rather sorry, because she is

your mother.

Well, sort of.

He picked her up in Bournemouth.

Picked her up? My mother?

Well, she was on holiday.

And he is very nice looking.

Oh, Angie, she's got this great picture of him with two candles lighted at

either side. It's just like a shrine.

Lighted candles?

Would that be to do with light and shade, do you suppose?

I never thought of that, very likely.

She told you about light and shade, did she? Oh, yes.

She explained it? Yes.

And you understood it? No.

But then she had a mouthful of sunflower seeds.

Anyway, she doesn't understand it herself. There's nothing to understand.

load of rubbish.

It's part of his patter.

Patter? Like a brush salesman. They stand at the door with a suitcase open.

You'll do anything to get rid of them.

She didn't get rid of him. She asked him in.

That's right.

And then what?

Well, then they...

What was the word she used?

The contemplated. And the rest.

Oh, no, Shane, nothing like that. That's not allowed.

It's a shame, really.

Oh,

it's lovely looking.

But no, that's out.

And so is drink.

I'm not joining. Well, you won't be asked.

Why not?

Well, you're not a wealthy widow.

Do you mean he's after her money?

No, he wants to borrow a bicycle pump.

But she hasn't got a bicycle.

You're a thick as he is.

How many more times? He's a con man. Of course he's after her money.

Where are you going? Ring the police. Well, what good will that do? He hasn't

done anything wrong.

He's taken money off her. No, she has given him money.

Freely and stupidly.

Well, we must do something.

I already have.

What?

Here we are.

It's hers.

Then what are you doing with it?

I stole it, so don't ring the police.

There we are.

Checkbook.

And building societies.

Credit cards.

Oh, and a very sweet personal letter.

Who from?

How would I know?

Hey, I didn't realise she had all this.

You put that down. It's nothing to do with you.

There's more in the other one.

Now then, these must be worth a bob or two.

Either. Well, it's for her own good.

Haven't you got them gorgeous things?

Now, stop dribbling.

They're all left to you in her will.

Well, the one I read this morning.

Tell me something.

What was she doing while you were burgling her flat?

Contemplating.

Again? Oh, she does it every hour on the hour for ten minutes.

She's got this pinger on the floor beside her, you see.

And you've got all this together in ten minutes? Oh, no, I know. I'm fast, but

I'm not that fast.

No, as soon as she shut her eyes, I moved the pinger on to 30 minutes.

You're not having me on, are you? What about?

You mean she really sits on the floor wrapped in a sheet?

Eating sunflower seeds.

Because of some burk in Bournemouth? Oh, no, Shane.

It's not a burk. We might not like what he does, but he does it very well. Did

it very well?

What does that mean?

It means I'm going to find out where he lives, go round there and put one on

him. Oh, no, Robert, don't. He might be big and strong.

Sam!

Better let Ida go.

Sam!

Well, nobody's going.

Why not?

Because he's coming round here.

When? Well, I haven't fixed it yet. I want to have a word with Wilfred first.

Wilfred? Shane, Wilfred knows every con man in the country.

He trained most of them.

You think he'll know this Brother Laidlaw? Well, it's very likely. I'll

it. You've got a pink -toothed photograph.

Well, I tried, but I burnt my sleeve.

I'll try and bring him face to face with Wilfred.

How are you going to get him round here?

Invite him for a drink.

He'll say no, won't he?

Wilfred, say no to a free drink.

Not Wilfred, Brother Laidlaw. How are you going to get him round here? Oh,

guess. drop here with me. I've had a rotten day and I've got a bit of

seeds stuck in me too.

I shall pretend that I'm loaded.

I'll say that I'm the widow of a Greek shipping magnate.

Pyros, or Alexios. That's it, Alexios.

And he left me a fortune in olive oil.

The shipping magnate?

Oh, is that what I said?

You'll never sell all that to Brother Laidlaw. Oh, yes, I will, when I've got

straight.

Don't you think he'll want a bit of proof?

Well, of course he'll want a bit of proof, and he'll get it.

Like what?

Like this.

Oh, dear, Brother Laidlaw.

Come again.

With that little bit about the light and shade.

What do you say?

Mrs. Price, on the floor?

In a sheet.

Well, it's a good job I wasn't there.

Well, what would you have done?

I'd have hurled myself on her.

Hurled yourself on Mrs. Price?

In a fit of frenzied passion.

Well, it's a good thing you weren't there, isn't it? What would you have

you'd landed on her finger? What then?

I'd have rung a bell.

Oh, Wilfred, you've got to be kidding me. You've got to get over this.

She's not for you. Well, she would be if I could just get her on her own.

Well, then we'd better get rid of Brother Laidlaw, hadn't we? And then

you will get her on her own. Yes, you're right.

Yes, we're wasting time.

Have a look at this.

What is it? It's a book of mugshots.

A book of what?

Some of the best con men in the country are in that book. Oh, a sort of

professional register.

Well, a sort of.

Property of the Metropolitan Police.

Do not remove.

What does it say there?

There. Oh, heck.

Aren't they all dishy?

Never mind being dishy. Let's get back to Brother Laidlaw. Is he in there?

Oh, I can't. I haven't time to go through all this lot.

We'll go on to plan B. Plan B?

Who are you ringing?

Who do you think?

Him. Brother Laidlaw.

Where did he get the number?

I found his card in her handbag.

Which ringing?

Hello. Chase Manhattan Bank.

Investments, please.

I thought you said... Oh, how stupid of me. I must have rung the wrong number.

I'm all fingers and thumbs since my Spiros... There, let's you.

...passed away.

Pardon? Oh, how perceptive of you. Yes, he was Greek.

but it's not the same, is it?

Oh, I do miss him so.

Stop me if I'm going too fast.

Too late.

It's working.

You're a very lucky girl, you are.

Don't you know that?

Am I? Why?

You've got a lovely mother -in -law.

I've got two. Which one do you mean?

Well, I'm not going to fancy me own sister, am I?

I mean, she's got...

She's got a heart of gold, but, oh, looks -wise, well... You were saying?

Shoot him out, Wilfred. There's a bus coming.

Where'd you get that lot?

Well, most of it's Mrs Price's. Some of it's Angie's. And that little one's

mine.

Any sign of Shane yet, or old Mother Gandhi?

Oh, the woman you love.

Oh, I do hope she's put some socks on.

Well, it's far too cold to have nothing on your feet but thongs and things.

Thongs and things?

She's into bondage.

You know, I worry about him.

Now then, I want you two and them two watching us two from in the kitchen

through the hatch. I want your eye glued firmly to the crack so that if you

recognise Brother Laidlaw, you can say... It's going to be a bit of a

isn't it? Four of us at that hatch.

She's right, you know.

Why don't me and Mrs Price go into the bedroom?

What would you see from there?

Well, a thousand things.

I'm having you put down for drinking.

That'll be them, which is just as well, because any minute now, it'll be him.

Ooh, don't diamonds weigh heavy?

And rubies aren't light.

Here we are.

I need a drink.

Anyone else? I will.

You wait your turn.

Angie, Ida, Mother.

Robert, the place for drink is down the sink.

Light and shade be yours this day.

Dear, dear friend.

I hope.

How lovely you look in my jewels.

I hope Shane explained to you why I'm wearing them. Oh, yes, you'll be decked

and be dized and... And be what and be what?

In a misguided attempt to shake my faith in Brother Laidlaw, you will fail and I

will forgive you. Light and shade be yours.

Mine this day, I know.

You haven't met him, Mrs. Willis?

Perhaps I'm going too soon, Mrs. Price.

Do come in, Mr... Brother.

Brother Laidlaw of the Sacred Sect.

of light and shade oh i do so long to learn i'm sadly in need of guidance

do sit down oh no not there over here where you can be

see where you can spread yourself when we're more in tune mrs constantius

walking together from the shade standing together in the light we'll be sitting

together on the ground

Contemplating. Oh, you know about that.

Oh, no, no, no, but what else would we be doing on the ground?

Sunflower seeds?

Oh, my favourite.

There never are.

May I ask you something?

What do you think of my little pied -� -terre?

Charming, charming.

I know it's only humble, but when you hone the old block like what I do...

Then it does seem rather pushy to live in the penthouse. The whole block?

Oh, yes.

My Giuseppe always said, Ida, put the Romani in a property.

Giuseppe, I thought your husband was Greek.

No, not my first husband.

My second, Dimitri.

Dimitri, not Spiros Aliexiu. Oh, that was my third.

What a memory you've got.

May I say something?

Anything. I know I'm a wealthy widow, bedecked and bedizened.

But what does it all mean, Brother Laidlaw, when my whole life is a search

the truth?

Oh, dear lady, you're nearer the truth than you know.

And so are you.

My heck.

Do you know him?

I know him all right.

I'd have known him a lot sooner if I hadn't been to his funeral five years

Hello. Oh, real class, that is. How to bury your record.

But I want reimbursing for my wreath.

See that, mother? Wilfred knows him. He's a con man.

I'm sorry, Robert, I declined to discuss it. Brother Laidlaw is the innocent

victim of the... Excuse me.

She's gone again, Ange.

Anything happening in there? No.

She's just chunnering on about light and shade.

Oh, here it comes.

What, what? She's handing over the jewellery. My jewellery?

Oh, my God.

Don't you hear shoving?

There. I think that's the lot.

Oh, I feel so much cleaner and lighter.

When do we get onto the floor?

Dear lady, give me your hand.

Oh. Hey, that's mine.

Oh, dear lady.

No, I said that's mine.

Are you all right, Ida? No, I'm not. It's been smearing.

All right, Ambrose.

Wilfred. Dear boy.

Give it back.

It only costs something, so I'll send it to him myself.

Oh, Sister Ida, Ambrose Higgins.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet you. You know, this comes as a great surprise to me.

But it does. I thought you were dead.

You thought I was?

I'm sorry, Ambrose.

The game's up.

Brother Laidlaw, tell us this isn't true.

Never mind all that. When did she get her money back? Oh, Robert, please don't

fuss. It was so little.

It was 300 pounds, she told me.

Then 300 pounds it is. Now, I don't want to inconvenience you.

There's a con coming up. I can see it coming up.

He wouldn't dare. I would prefer you to come.

Well, you turn around.

Let me have one of those from the middle, will you?

Oh, yeah.

Well,

they look all right to me. Yeah, let's have a look.

I can't apologise enough.

Dear lady, please don't try.

There's a hundred here.

And here. Yeah, well, this looks genuinely all right.

What's your game? I know you won't believe me, but there is no game. I have

the light.

And now, Cecilia, your profit.

What profit? On £300 invested, a profit of two. You see, I'm two pounds in

pocket.

£200. I did say they were very exciting shares.

Now, if you'll excuse me. Just a minute.

These shares?

I don't know.

Well, it is my own money.

I said no.

Oh, let her.

I've got a bit of money, actually.

Dear lady, I can't consider it.

What's he saying? He won't take their money.

Well, that's not like him. They're not true believers, and I do have another

appointment. Can you come back next week?

I dare. I'll see you out. Thank you.

May light and shade be yours forever.

Oh, all the best.

Oh, hasn't he got lovely eyes?

Beautiful. Silly women.

Oh, what's the matter with you?

A light just went out of my life.

Never mind, you can afford a torch.

Oh, £200.

There must be an angle, you know. He must have one.

Wilfred, he said himself he has seen the light.

Look, time was he'd have walked out of here with a sideboard in his pocket and

none of us would have noticed.

I was telling him... Just a sec. He told me to give you this. My little ring.

Oh, how sweet.

Where are your other mummy things?

Oh, and mine.

Oh, that's all he gave me.

But it's not all he got.

He's copped the lot, but he's not getting away with it. Has he got a car?

No, he doesn't. Then he can't have got far.

You run after him, Shane. I'll ring the police. Angie, make a list of everything

he's been... Oh, no! Why, whatever's happened?

He's forgotten his wallet. I lent him ten pounds for a taxi.

May light and shade be yours this day.

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