Original subtitles

My boy.

You must have killed her. And we know who, don't we? It was him in the red

woolly, wasn't it? Now, it wasn't Mr. Grimwald. Oh.

So, who are we left with? Her in the yellow two -piece.

Miss Chapman. Ha -ha, what did I tell you?

But where was Miss Chapman at the time of the crime? I know, I know. She was in

the vestry with the vicar. In the vestry with the vicar.

At last we're agreed on something.

Which brings us to the Reverend James.

Oh, no, no, no.

because he was in the vestry. Let me explain.

Oh, please.

Oh, no.

There were two shots. Yeah, one to the head, one to the shoulder.

Now, the first shot was fired by... Oh, say that again.

But the second shot was fired by... Oh, I'll be right back.

Oh, where can it be?

Oh, it's you.

Well, come in, come in. Give me a minute.

I must know who shot her twice in Walthamstow.

Did you do it, Inspector?

Do what?

You've ruined this for me, you know. But, Mrs Willis, this... Shh!

It all hinged on the dog's lead.

What did he say? I think he said it all hinged on the dog's lead.

An ordinary dog's lead. But she didn't have a dog. She had a budgie. She was

teaching it who's a pretty boy then.

Who? Who what? Who had a budgie? Oh, dear.

Fifi Harbottle. Her that was shot twice in Walthamstow. Look, wait till it's

over, I'll tell you then.

But it is there with Mrs Willis. Look, it says, the end.

My truck will go off. Oh, well, now I'll never know.

No. I know it's a long shot, but... Mrs Price.

Mrs Willis, you wouldn't happen to have been videoing that, would you? With the

Royal Ballet on BBC Two.

Hardly. I feel a fool for asking.

Oh, well, now that you're here, I suppose I'd better be sociable.

Can I offer you anything? Tea?

Coffee? Pint of blood?

Nothing, thank you. Are you a donor?

Pardon?

The pint of blood, Mrs Willoughby. Oh, it was a joke, Mrs Price.

Oh, I see.

Well, tea or coffee, then? Neither, thank you. I'm only here with a message

Robert. Where is Robert?

Out. Out?

They're both out. Again?

When you say again, one asks oneself, are they ever in?

Well, now, one can answer oneself, can't one, and say no, not often, and why

should there be?

Of course, it's none of my business. It's true.

But if I were in your shoes, you wouldn't catch me sitting night after

like some latter -day Cinderella.

Better that than a present -day ugly sister.

Of course, if you've nowhere to go and no -one to go with. Excuse me, I could

out every night of the week if I wanted to. I've got a drawer full of

invitations. Well, there's a party on tonight if I wanted to pop in.

Really? Where?

Wandsworth Way.

A message for Robert, I think you said? That's right. Fire away.

Ah, how to put it simply, Mrs Willis? Just simply put it, Mrs Price.

Oh, just say...

Says yes to Charles Barber's invite.

What's that?

Well, you'll have to give me a minute, because I'm doing joined -up writing.

Mummy says yes.

Mummy, indeed.

To Charles Barber's invite. Charles Barber? C -H -A... But that's

Shane's boss.

Roberts Consultant. Well, same difference.

What's all this about an invite?

He's asked me to a rather splendid function.

When? Saturday.

Why? Why what? Why you?

We did rather click, didn't we?

Did you?

When? Christmas Day.

But he was here on Christmas Day.

So was I.

Oh, I'd forgotten that.

He obviously hadn't.

Look, when exactly did all this clicking take place?

Can't say, Mrs. Willis.

Which is Spanish, for who can tell?

And...

And that's French for you crafty cow

Nothing wrong, is there?

Not unless you count a broken heart.

A broken heart?

I've been elbowed out.

I've been given the big E.

What's she on about, Arch? I don't know.

Well, you could ask, you know, couldn't you?

All right. What are you on about?

I had a visitor this evening.

My mother.

How did you get?

No one else could put that expression on your face.

What does she want?

Oh, she wanted to crow, didn't she?

What about?

She's pinched my face.

Oh, God, it's Charles Barber's invitation, isn't it? Yes, it is.

Hey, what's he asked you to?

Oh, me. He's asked me to nothing.

The thing is, he's asked my other mother to some do on Saturday. Quite a big do,

I think. All I know is... And all I want to know is, how do you know anything?

Well, because he told me. He showed me the invitations and said, did I think my

mother would like to go with him? I said, I was sure she would, and he said,

would I ask her? Well, he's a bit shy, and I suppose he... Just a minute.

Do I see a tinker blue shining through?

Exactly did he put it, that bit about your mother?

Well, like I said, would my mother like to go with him, would I ask her? But you

didn't, did you?

Eh? You didn't ask your mother, because she would have liked to have gone. I'll

go further, she'd have given her back teeth to have gone.

I'm lost.

I'm not. Ida thinks she's the one Charles wanted.

Oh, not without good reason.

I was certainly the one he wanted on Christmas Day for all her talk of

And how many times did he drag me back under that mistletoe?

Who was counting?

I was. Five.

And who did he pull the wishbone with? Go on, answer me that.

You, Ida. I saw him. And did you see him squeeze me knee?

And did you see him pinch me bum?

You've got the wrong mother, Shane. It's as simple as that. I'm sorry, Ida. Yes,

and so you should be.

Oh, well, never mind.

It will sort it out tomorrow.

Good night.

Ida, sit down again.

Why, do you want to squeeze me knee?

This due on Saturday?

Yes. Well, it's very upmarket, you know.

That means a new dress, Ida. I know. A rather fancy pale blue.

I've always fancied myself in pale blue.

But you're not going, Ida. What?

You're not going.

Why aren't I?

Well, why do I get all the rotten jobs to do?

It's not that Charles is a snob. There's a but coming up. I can feel it coming

up. And any other time, I'm sure it's you he'll want. But... There it is.

There's the but.

I know what you're going to say next, don't I? I'm not good enough.

I'm not... How did you put it?

Upmarket enough.

Oh, I'm all right for a squeezed knee and a pinched bum, but when it comes to

socialising, he doesn't think I'll do at all. I don't.

Oh, it's all right. I'm not upset and I'm not angry.

Only, well, I am a little tired, so if you'll excuse me.

You wouldn't have liked it if you'd have gone.

How do you make that? How do you make that? Well, they're no fun, these dudes.

I've been to dozens.

Little bits of biscuit, little bits of shrimp.

Wilfred, this was a sit -down dinner.

Seven courses and a Toastmaster.

I've been to them as well. They're no pop either.

Maybe, but I'd have liked the chance to find out for myself.

Anyway, that's not what I'm on about.

I mean, what's a seven -course dinner in my life?

Well, what do you mind about?

Oh, what's going in my place.

Mrs. Upmarket Price.

It's never taken her.

It is. That's what I'm going on about.

Oh, Ida, that's a cruel blow, that is. Don't I know it.

It's my own fault, mind.

What is?

I've only myself to blame.

What for?

I've been dilatory.

Dilatory? You don't know what the word means.

I do.

Well, then tell me, cos I don't.

Well, it means...

I dillied and dallied when I should have been forceful and incisive and said

straight out, Mickey... What's her name again?

Price. Mickey Price, you've got a great body. What are you doing Saturday?

What do you know about her body?

More than you think.

I squeezed her knee Christmas Day.

I pinched her bum.

She's got it every which way, hasn't she? And I had her down for being

Oh, no.

Anything but.

It zooms it.

She wants it.

She's a proper little passionflower.

A passionflower?

I wonder if her poor little husband ever knew.

We could have been very happy, her and me.

Her and you?

Oh, Wilfred, you're oil and water, you're chalk and cheese. I mean, look at

sitting there dunking your ginger nuts.

Got any more?

No, I haven't. Oh, Wilfred, you're not in her class.

I mean, she's what she is, and you're what you are.

Oh, no, Wilfred, it would never have worked.

And you're not Barbara Wood. Oh, well, that's completely different. I mean,

he's... And, well, I'm...

You're right, it wouldn't have done it.

Thanks, Wilfred.

What for?

Putting me straight.

How about that, sir?

I bet it is. Who?

Passionflower. What do you reckon she's after?

Your body, Wilfred.

You think?

Have I got time for a bath?

Sit down, you old fool.

She's come to gloat, hasn't she? She's come to make me look small.

Should have a job.

but do come in. No, no, no, I can't stay.

Have you come with a message for Shane, Robert?

No, I wanted to see you.

Really? Just to say how much I'm looking forward to Saturday.

Oh, yes.

We'll have a wonderful time.

We will?

Will we?

You know we will.

Seven o 'clock all right for you?

Perfect. Then till then.

Till then.

Giuseppe or Marco.

Oh, hello, Vera.

Oh, you did sound Italian.

It's Ida. Ida Willis. Listen, love, can you fit me in tomorrow?

Oh, the works.

Hair, face, feet, nails.

The full 10 ,000 mile service.

9 .15. Oh, thank you very much.

Ciao, Vera.

I could have danced all night.

Oh, there's a thought.

Dancing. Oh, how much do I remember?

Now, I put one arm there and one arm... Oh, that's not... No, perhaps it's one

arm there and... Hang on.

How high did I have to reach when we were under the mistletoe?

That's it.

Cha -cha -cha -cha -cha -cha -cha -cha -cha -cha -cha. Oh,

dear me.

That won't be there on Saturday.

All the same, it might be better to stick to a waltz. Right, now then, off

go. And one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three.

No, I don't think I go back.

He's the one that goes backwards.

Well, shall we try it again, Charles?

This time with you going backwards.

Well, if you'll be careful, don't bump into the armchair.

Off we go.

One, two, three. One, two, three. Four, five, six. Four, five, six. What's going

on? Oh, you're back at last. Come over here and pretend you're a man.

Pretend I'm a... I'd rather pretend I'm an alcoholic.

Oh, please, Shane, it won't take a minute. Just show me where to put me

Round this.

Yeah, but I want to practice... Oh, well, never mind.

Bottoms up.

Look, why do I bother?

I can always say no, can't I?

Of course you can. It's the first time for everything.

Play no to what? Mind you, I'll do it very nicely.

I shall say, do you mind awfully if we don't?

My corn's playing up.

Oh, no, that's not very upmarket, is it? I know.

I've got an ox that's fallen. Now that's upmarket.

Or I could always have a headache. I mean, he'd understand, wouldn't he?

I hope so, because I don't.

I'm a fool. I haven't told you, have I? Told me what? My news.

Good or bad?

Good for me, bad for you.

You'd better go and top that drink up because you've got a nasty job to do.

The bathroom cabinet isn't down again, is it? Yeah, but that's the least of

worries.

I'd rather have had a terrible day.

And it is not yet over.

You've got to ring the Passionflower.

Are we eating out?

No, the Passionflower isn't a restaurant.

Then what is it?

Of course, that's something else I haven't told you.

It's Wilfred's name for your other mother.

He's head over heels, Shane.

With my other mother? According to him, she's got a great body.

Oh, I think I will top this up.

Yes, do.

And then you can ring her up.

It's going to come as an awful shock.

It's come as an awful shock to me.

I thought Wilfred was past it.

Will you be at 63?

I hope not.

My case rests.

Anyway, you're not ringing her up about Wilfred. You're ringing her up about...

Oh, and you will be nice to her, won't you?

Be gentle and understanding and on second thoughts, don't ring her.

Oh, thank God. Go round, so you're there to catch her when she falls.

You know where I've been, at my mother.

Till one in the morning?

She got out all the photographs of me when I was small.

Oh, she took it well then.

Took what well? Charles wanting Ida and not her.

Hey, did you tell her about Wilfred lusting after her? No, I didn't.

But you did tell her about Charles.

She's bought a new dress.

So has Ida.

Oh, I couldn't tell her, Ange.

Well, you just can't leave it. It won't go away.

I did have one idea, though. What?

How would you like to tell her?

And how would you like a quickie divorce?

Just cooking, Sherry. I don't care if it's diesel.

Oh, nor do I.

Why can't Charles Barber do his own dirty work?

Why, indeed.

Brilliant, Ange.

Here.

No, no.

What? Oh, it's you, Price.

Yes, sir.

Could I have a word with you, sir? Not until I've had a word with you.

Saturday night, there's a problem.

You can't make it.

I can, you know.

No, the thing is, I'm sorry to burden you with this, but is there any chance

all that your other mother might be free?

When you say my other mother... The posh one.

Oh, that one.

How many are there?

Anyway, Saturday.

I've been lumbered with looking after old Jack Guggenheim. And, well, not to

too fine a point on it... You need another bird.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

So if she's free... Oh, she is. How do you know?

Well, when you first... I mean, when I first... She is.

Good.

What's the matter?

I'll tell you.

I've just been buttoning Ida into her dress.

78 buttons, and three times I got to the top with one button left over.

Just as well she doesn't go out very often. In that dress, anyway.

What does she look like?

She looks stunning.

Make sure you tell us, though.

Who's that?

Belle of the ball mark, too, I expect.

She's early, isn't she?

Perhaps she wants you to button up her dress.

She'd better not.

You didn't explain...

Look who's here, Ange.

Oh, hello, Mother. Angela.

I love your dress. Thank you.

So do you, don't you, Robert?

What? Oh, yes, it's very nice.

You're early, aren't you? To be perfectly honest, I came out to get away

the phone.

What do you mean, Mum? Oh, I wish you wouldn't call me Mum.

Mind you, better that than passion flower.

It's no laughing matter, Robert. I keep getting these sinister calls.

Really? How awful.

Drink, Mother.

No, thank you, dear. I think I'll wait till Charles arrives.

Come in, Ida.

You've taught her to knock.

Wonders will never cease.

Ta -ra!

Ida, wow!

Oh, well, if it does that for my son, what will it do to Charles?

What did she say?

Oh, hello, love.

Well, I must hand it to you. You certainly have tried.

Harder than I would have for a blind date.

Robert, what is she talking about?

Doesn't she know?

Um... Hasn't he told her? No.

And haven't you?

No. Come back all, I said.

Mrs Price, you look quite nice.

And as for you two, no morning tea in bed for the rest of the month.

I'll put it bluntly, Mrs Price. You always do, Mrs Willis.

I'm going out with Charles.

You're going out with this friend.

Is that what she meant about a blind date?

Yes. But Charles invited me. No, love.

Shane invited you.

Charles invited me.

Sorry.

Please, don't be.

I shall go home, take off my glad rags. No, no, no, it's quite all right. I

shall be quite content. What's a seven -course dinner to me?

I shall have a nice boiled egg.

And watch my video of the Royal Ballet.

Good night, everyone.

Have a pleasant evening.

Oh, come back.

It was that boiled egg that did me in.

All right, then you can go with Charles and I'll go with... What's his name?

Jack Gugelheim.

Gugelheim.

I only hope he lets me call him Jack.

What does he do for a living?

He's an American gynecologist.

He's the American gynecologist.

Have you met him?

No, but I've read his papers on cervical smear.

Robert! No, he said that.

He said that.

It'll give me something. I mean, it'll give me something to look at.

Mind you, it won't last until the pudding.

Have you any other ideas for a little light -hearted banter? He does a mind

-blowing caesarean section.

Wonderful. That'll last me till the afternoon.

I'll go. It'll be your Prince Charming. No, your Prince Charming.

My Prince Guggleton.

I must be mad at her.

Everything seems to have sorted itself out splendidly.

Thanks to Mrs Willis, Robert. No thanks to you.

Mrs Willis, your behaviour has been absolutely... Just don't say upmarket.

Stay out of it, you.

Come in, Charles.

as your wife is beautiful.

Oh, I am. I mean... Which one of these two lovely ladies gets to go to the ball

with Guggles?

Well, Jack, the arrangement is... I've been thinking, Mrs. Willis. Oh, no, you

haven't. I could hear the wheels going round.

No way, Mrs. Bryant.

Hello. My name's Ida, and I'm your date.

You won't be sorry, little lady.

Neither will you, big boy.

I don't think much of yours.