Original subtitles

That's my boy, that's my boy

Aren't you getting up?

Not until I've done at least four clues.

Oh, you mean you're staying in bed all day?

Stupid, you know.

Of course you're not. What are you stuck on?

Infant. Four letters. Begins with B.

Brat.

You are clever.

You're not right, though. Not if yellow starts with a Y.

Well, he always does.

Good morning.

It's pouring with rain. The milkman's late and I've broken the yolk on your

What are you stuck on?

Infant four letters begins with baby.

Hey! Why didn't you think of that?

I thought of Brad.

You would.

Oh, I got one.

King Herod. King who?

King Herod. I don't believe it.

It's five across.

It is two.

Fancy making a clue out of a man like that. I'm writing to the editor.

Before you do, has anyone written to me?

Oh, yes.

All the brown ones.

Sorry, I are.

One's for you, love. Thanks, Ida. Oh, Katie.

Who? Katie, you know, my cousin.

The one with... The big knockers.

I'm sorry, but they are. They are the biggest... Now, don't go on.

Oh, that's terrible.

Why, what's happened?

They've fallen off.

I won't warn you again.

Oh, that's tragic.

That really is tragic. Oh, poor Katie.

Andy, love, what's the matter?

Married a year?

Oh, life can be cruel, that poor girl.

Hang about. What's the matter with her? Well, like Angie says, it's tragic. I

mean, how would you feel if... Yeah, what is the matter?

She's had a baby.

She hasn't? Oh, wait a minute. What's wrong with that?

Well, everything. She'll have to give up working.

And he'll have to trade in the sports car? For a family saloon. And he

that car?

Oh, could you both?

Well, he'll just have to start worshipping that baby, won't he?

He's had the sweets, now he can have the sours.

And mark my words, in two or three weeks, that little boy will have him...

are they going to call him?

Charlotte Louise.

Well,

little girls can be very nice, too.

I hope so, for our sake.

What do you mean, for our sake? What's it got to do with us?

We're the godparents.

What an honour.

And what a nerve. Why should we be lumbered?

with a dear little baby?

You'll have dear little birthdays and dear little Christmases and dear Uncle

Robert, will you take me to the who?

No way, Charlotte Louise.

Oh, you ought to join King Herod in Fiver Cross.

Poor little mate, what a welcome to the world. I only hope she never hears what

you've just said. She'd grow up warped. She'd grow up unloved and unwanted.

Not if she's got knockers like her mother.

Oh, well, I'll have his grey suit cleaned.

There's no point. He won't go.

And that nice blue tie.

What was this doing on the kitchen table?

Oh, it's waiting for you. Don't hold it like that. His little eyes will fall

out.

Whose is it? It's yours, but don't get too attached to it because you're giving

it to Charlotte Louise.

I thought we were giving her that. Yes, you are, only this is the sort of show

-off thing for the mummy and daddy.

The baby wants something cuddly. That's why you're giving her Flopsy.

Flopsy? Well, that's what I call it.

That's not what I call it, and I'm not holding it.

If it had big knockers, you'd never let go of it.

Straighten your tie.

I put this on in the end. Oh, and very nice, dear.

Do you think it'll do?

Well, I think it'll have to, cos you're pushed for time.

What do people wear for christening?

Well, the vicar wears black and the baby wears white.

And everybody else wears something washable.

Why washable?

Babies will be babies, Shane.

Oh, I'm changing into jeans and a sweater.

No, you are not.

Anyway, you won't have to hold the poor little mite if you don't want to.

Thank heavens for that.

Oh, you will, love. You'll have to. You're the god mummy.

I suppose if I hold it... Like this?

Well, if you hold it like that, it will be sick.

Now, see, you put one hand under there... It has lost a knife!

Well,

come on, both of you, help me.

And that's not leaving this flat until I've stitched it in very firmly.

Come on, come on.

We're here.

No, not you, the lift.

See, now, while we're waiting, when you get to the responses... The what?

The responses.

I don't want any muttering. Say what you've got to say loud and clear.

What do we have to say?

Well, do you renounce the devil and all his works?

I do.

But I don't.

I don't think I do. What are all his works?

Pride, covetousness, lust.

Anger, gluttony, envy, sloth.

I don't.

There's no way I'm renouncing love.

It's love that makes the world go round.

Well, I know that and you know that, but you'll never convince the vicar.

Anyway, you're not renouncing anything.

It's Charlotte Louise. You're responding on her behalf.

She'll hate us when she grows up. We'll tell her we kept our fingers crossed.

Where's that damn lift? Oh, and you on your way to church.

But I know what you mean. Where is the silly thing?

Oh, it's coming. I can hear it.

It's making ever such a funny noise, a sort of moaning and groaning. Why should

it be moaning and groaning, Shane?

Ah, a welcoming committee.

They can't stop. They're on the way to renounce the devil and all his works.

devil and all his... Robert, you haven't joined the moon, have you? Oh, tell me.

you haven't joined the Moonies. I haven't joined the Moonies. Bye, Mum.

But surely you've time to... Obviously not.

Well, I... What's that, Mrs. Willis? What's what, Mrs. Price?

That, Mrs.

Willis. Oh, that. I knew we wouldn't take it.

Tell me,

Mrs. Willis, whose baby is it?

Angie's cousin, Katie.

Katie? Not... Katie Ringwood?

I don't know about the Ringwood.

But that means she married.

Well, I hope so, for the poor little baby's sake.

It's astonishing.

Why? Well, I don't want to say too much.

You've not said anything so far.

She was at the wedding.

What wedding?

Robert and Angela's. Of course, in those days, she was just a slip of a girl.

But even then, Mrs Willis... What, Mrs Price?

She had the most enormous pair of... Knockers.

I was going to say feet.

I didn't notice her... Knockers.

Shane did.

Men. Yes, I know. Will you have another cup? No, thank you. That was delicious,

but I really must cut my cackle. And get to your horses.

Exactamal, Mrs. Willis. I want your woolies.

Pardon?

Only your cast -offs, of course, for my stall.

What stall?

Well, it's on the vicar's list as odd balls.

And him a man of the club.

Odd balls.

Of wool, Mrs Willard.

Oh, I see, Mrs Willard.

What's it in Ada?

Oh, it's a very worthy cause.

So, any old woolies you happen to have?

Old woolies?

For example, what's wrong with the one you're wearing now?

Nothing, so get off.

Well, I'll see what I can find.

Chin up, Flopsy.

This is the last of the cast -off.

Oh, is that you two? I'm in the lounge. Come on in and tell me all about it.

Evening, Ida.

Evening, Ida.

Evening, Angie.

Evening, Shane.

I know this looks funny, but there is a reason for it.

Which I'm sure you're dying to hear.

So I'll tell you.

You know, the mummy came round on the want, as always.

So I've been looking... Where's your jacket?

With my tie, at the dry cleaners. Oh, the poor little soul was sick.

Very. It couldn't help it. Did I say it could? No, but you were thinking it. No,

I wasn't. Then what were you thinking?

I don't have to tell you.

Yes, you do, doesn't he, Ida? I'm sorry you asked me that, because no, I don't

think he does.

I know what she thinks I was thinking, but I wasn't. You were.

No, I wasn't. Yes, you were.

I know it's a silly question, but does anybody want to know what I'm thinking?

Because I'm thinking I'll bang your heads together.

Now, look, what's the matter with the pair of you? Why aren't you talking?

We are talking. Oh, yes, and so chattily and happily and using such long words.

Well, I'll go straight for the obvious. Now, was it something that happened at

the christening? Am I right so far?

Yes. No.

That's another quarrel. Save that for later.

Now then, who'd be at the christening? The baby, of course. The daddy, I hope.

The mummy.

Oh, we're not back to those knockers again.

No. And they're not what they used to be.

Forget them. Two red earrings.

It was a beautiful baby.

Did I say it wasn't? No, but you were thinking it. No, I wasn't. Yes, you

Look, I will knock your heads together.

Either that or lock you in your bedroom until you... No, no.

You'd enjoy that.

Oh, no, we wouldn't. There'd be nothing to enjoy.

Oh, not that old threat.

It's not a threat, it's a statement of fact.

Oh, look, this is ridiculous.

Whatever it is, and you needn't tell me, cos I'll find out anyway, but don't let

it go any further.

Let not the sun go down upon thy rock.

You're no choice if she doesn't change her mind.

Or if you don't change yours.

Well, I'm not going to. And I'm not going to. Oh, for heaven's sake!

What is the matter with a pair of you?

It's Angie.

She's in love.

She's what?

I suppose it's true in a way.

Yes, it is.

I'm besotted.

Oh, Angie.

Oh, no, it's not more.

And I mean, I realise it's mine, but you could go a lot further and fare a lot

worse. Oh, I'm not in love with a man.

Angie.

It's Charlotte.

And thick a lot. And I bought one of my own.

And you'll have one, Ange. I keep telling you.

Well, there you are, you see. There's no problem.

I mean, all you've got to... Well, you don't need me to tell you what you've

to do.

But when will I have one? Go on. Tell Ida what you told me.

When we've always said you'll have one. Autumn 87.

What did I say?

Autumn 87, that's what you said. You monster!

Oh, dear Lord.

Oh.

Nice name for a little girl.

Iolanthe.

Yuck! You've said yuck to every suggestion I've made so far.

Because they've all been yucky suggestions.

Cleopatra.

Bodicea.

And as for Rapunzel... Well, you said you wanted something unusual.

And if you let her air grow...

Denzel Price has quite a ring to it.

Let's have a go at boys' names. I want a boy anyway.

Boys' names, I always think they're harder. Are we still looking for

unusual? Well, I don't want him to be laughed at at school.

I've got it. The perfect name.

Fire away.

Rudyard.

What yard?

Rudyard, as in Kipling. He wrote if.

If what?

If... You can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming

on you.

If you... Well, do you like it? I hate it.

Very well, then.

I'm sorry.

No, don't be. I mean, it's your baby. Call it what you like.

But I shall call it Rudyard.

We'd better start hoping for a girl.

Well, then I'll call her Rapunzel so you can't ring.

Oh,

what are you doing?

I think I've gone a bit wrong.

Yes, I think you have. Come on, let's have a look.

It's a good thing this baby's not due until 87.

Oh, I'm not waiting till then.

Aren't you?

Oh, no.

I want it for Christmas.

This Christmas?

Yes.

Well, that gives you about three days to get cracking.

Look, I know that we're doing all this knitting, but how do you think you're

going to get Shane to cooperate?

Easy. I'm going to wear him down.

Wear him down?

Just go on and on and on and on and on and on. All right, all right, I get the

message. But don't you think that your best bet would be friendly persuasion?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, a low -cut nightie and perfume on your pulse points.

And your generation thinks it invented it.

I tried all that last night.

And? He said if I had a baby, I'd smell of Dettol.

Well, he's right, you would.

There you are, you're straight now. Just battle on, wouldn't it, one pearl one?

Thank you.

Of course.

You could always try getting him tiddly.

Well, the thing is... Yeah?

He's no good when he's tiddly.

Isn't he?

Angie? Hmm?

What's he like when he's sober?

Ida! Sorry, sorry.

Oh, we know who that'll be, don't we?

Madam Pompadour, come for her bag of balls.

Well, I can't go. I'm in the middle of a stitch.

There's someone at the door.

Do you know, I thought there might be when I heard the bell.

Oh, now, why did I say that?

That was a strategic error. I should have answered the door myself.

Why? Well, he's got her to himself now.

So? Well, ten minutes with him and we know whose side she'll be on.

His. She would be anyway.

Now, that's fine by me. I don't want her on my side.

You may not want her. I mean, nobody wants her.

But you'll need her. You need all the help you can get.

I suppose I do.

You know, if this baby is born at Christmas,

I could call him Noel.

And I was going to say Rudolph.

Thank you, dear.

Where are the others?

In the lounge. Good.

Has Mrs Willis got my balls ready?

I think so, but... Mum, Mum, before you go in there... Yes, dear? Could we have

a word on our own? A word on our own? Of course, dear. What about?

Well, it's about Angie and me.

The thing is, I don't quite know how to tell you this.

Oh, my dear boy, say no more.

I've always known this would happen. I've always dreaded this day.

What day?

Oh, well, no use crying over spilt milk. I want you to use my solicitor.

He's very discreet and a whiz at community property.

Mother, we're not getting a divorce.

Not? No.

I see, a legal separation.

Mother, we are not getting a legal separation.

We're very happily married.

Oh.

We were until yesterday.

Ah.

I wish I hadn't started all this. Look, I just wanted to put you in the picture.

We've had a bit of a row.

I'm on your side.

I don't know what the row's about yet.

What possible difference could that make?

Well, I might be in the wrong. And pigs might fly.

Here. Take this, dear. What is it? Mr Carew's card.

You never knew.

Look who's here.

I can see who's here.

Good evening, Mrs Willis. Good evening, Mrs Price. And before you say another

word, I'm on Angie's side.

Ida.

I thought you might be.

I'm on Robert's. Mother. I thought you might be.

Your balls are in this bag.

Of course, you had to tell your mother all about it, didn't you? I didn't tell

her anything. Oh, come on. You weren't out there for ten minutes admiring her

out.

Were you?

No, he wasn't. I didn't think he could be.

It's obvious you told her we had a row.

I did tell her that, yes, but I didn't tell her what it was about.

Oh, then how come she knows whose side she's on?

Maternal instinct, Mrs Willis.

Balls, Mrs Willis?

Well... That's what's in the bag.

I'm sorry they're all dark colours, but we had to keep the pastel shades back,

didn't we, Ange? Yes.

So I see.

Tell me, dear, is that a balaclava?

A what?

As a matter of fact, it's leggings.

But I'll take your point.

I suppose they're for Katie Ringwood's baby.

If you must know, they're for my baby.

Angie. Well, they are.

Your baby?

Oh, Angela, when is it due?

Oh, you can rely on me for the pram. I was going to do the pram.

Never mind, we won't fight.

I'll do the Moses basket.

And I'll do the christening gown.

But not the christening cake.

Mothers, there is no baby. There's not going to be a baby. Not until 1987.

But I want one now!

Tough. What did he say?

Tough. That's what he said.

Tough. Oh, come to me, Angela.

No, Angela, you come to me.

But you're on my side.

She switched.

Never mind, Angela, if your mummies are here.

Ida.

Ida.

Are you awake?

Well, I am now.

What's the matter? Is somebody ill?

No. Are we being burgled? No.

Well, what's the matter?

I can't get to sleep.

Did you wake me up just to tell me that?

Sorry. Oh, don't be.

That's what mothers are for. Come on, sit down.

Are you warm enough? Do you want to tuck your feet under the duvet?

I'm fine. Right, then I'll begin.

Bar, bar, black...

I don't want a nursery rhyme.

Oh, oh, right then.

This little... Ida, I just want to talk.

Oh, I know you do, really.

I was just trying to make up for all those lost years.

You do that every day.

Oh, Shane.

What do you want to talk about?

Well... Yes?

I'm beginning to think that Angie might be right.

About the baby?

Mm. And here I've been lying awake till turn two thinking she might be wrong. I

mean, 1987's not that far off, is it? No, but on the other hand, if we did

a baby now... Then it wouldn't be you waking me up at three o 'clock in the

morning. I'd already be up in the kitchen making up the four o 'clock

We'll be on solids at six months. We'll all be on solids at six months.

Solids on the carpet, solids on the floor.

And worst of all...

solids in your hair.

That won't worry me.

Oh, no, you won't be the one running round with a damp cloth.

Before you know where you are, we'll all be playing football.

When you say all... I don't believe in only children. I was an only child, you

know. Yes, I do know.

Mind you, it was touch and go.

Ooh, I was out here.

I was measured for twins, and it took two tape measures.

The twins ran in the family?

Well, of course. Of course they do. Our Wilfred's got two sets and their

Maureen's got one.

So why don't you might have twin?

Rapunzel and Rudyard.

I don't mind what they're called.

Bubble and Squeak, if you like. I don't like.

Hey, Shane.

What? You're really set on this now, aren't you?

Yeah. Thanks for making my mind up for me. Well, I didn't know I had done.

I'll be able to get to sleep now. Good night.

Night, night, Pat.

Hey, no, then.

Oh, my dear.

Twins. Oh, well, double the trouble, double the love.

I'll never get back to sleep now.

Oh, never mind.

Bubble and squeak indeed.

Good morning.

Look how much I've done. Oh, very nice.

There's three for him and one for you.

You look tired, Ida. Well, I might.

How's his launch ship? I don't know. He hasn't woken up yet.

I'm not surprised.

He was sitting on my bed at three o 'clock this morning.

Whatever for?

Well, it's not really my place to tell you this, but I can't hold myself back.

What would you say if I... Ida!

What? Oh!

Oh, don't say Katie Ringwood's had another.

I've got the most marvellous job.

It was between Mitzi and me, but she's having a baby, so I've got it.

Everybody's having babies.

Except me, thank God.

Oh, I don't lose my bigger mouth.

It's a year's contract.

Beachwear. I love doing beachwear, and the money's fantastic.

Yeah, but what about... Oh, I'd forgotten that.

Oh, Robert's right.

That can wait.

Till when?

Autumn 87.

I'm sorry, Ida. I must weigh myself.

Oh, dearie me.

Shane, love.

Shane?

I heard. Oh, I'm ever so sorry.

Well... Try not to be too disappointed.

Yeah. I suppose I'd better put this away then, hadn't I?

Not too far away.

Why not?

Well, mistakes can happen.

You wouldn't.

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