Original subtitles

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

Yep.

Right, next.

I said next, darling.

And I heard you, darling.

Well, then?

Well, then what, then?

Well, then what do you want, then? Look, don't rush me. I'll only take longer.

I'd like that.

How are you? Oh, dear, oh, dear. What are you having?

Rock. Well, rock's my Bill's favourite.

That's a chicken. I get thick of chicken.

Oh, so do I. Oh, well, you've made me mind up for me. I know what I want now.

Good. What do you want? Rock, please. Rock's off.

What's on?

Well, cod's on.

Oh, lovely. I like a bit of cod. Right, cod and chips three times.

Just a minute.

What's that?

What you wanted, cod.

It's not, you know. I wanted fresh cod.

It is fresh. It was caught this morning. Yes, and it was fried this morning.

No, thanks. I'll wait for fresh.

You can go next.

No, thanks. I'll wait for the fresh, too.

You can go next if you like, dear. We don't mind.

And sure you don't.

But I do.

I mean, if you're doing fresh. And you are, aren't you, love?

Looks like I've got to, didn't it, love?

It'll take ten or more minutes, you know. It won't, you know. It'll take 15.

like me batter crisp.

Here, I say, will you look after me place for me? But I just want to nip out

let my son know that I'll only be a minute.

Only it's parked on a double yellow.

Who's my baby?

The cheating cat.

Hey, hey, hang about.

We'll be back.

I thought you'd never come out. I haven't yet.

What? Well, what I mean is I've got to go back in again.

What for?

For your supper.

He's doing you some fresh cod.

I'll settle for daily if I can have it now. I'm starving.

Can I have some chips to be going on with?

Then not, you'll ruin your supper.

What supper?

There you go, £3 .75.

£3 .75?

Oh, I remember the time when it had been one and six the lot. Yeah, I'm sure you

can. But Maffikin's been relieved.

Oh, yes.

You were there, I suppose.

Selling stale cod.

Now, what about 25 change?

Thanks.

Don't tell me you're not going to count it. I'm not going to count it.

Look, I'm sorry, Ida, but I can't wait any longer. If you don't like his cod,

don't buy his cod. I bought it, but look what it's come wrapped in. What?

Read it out again, Angie.

What for?

It'll only say what it said last time. I know, but all the same.

Will Ida Matilda Willis... Me.

Me. It must be me, mustn't it? I mean, there can't be two of me, can there? Oh,

can there?

No, Ida, they can't. You're a one -off.

Do you want to hear this or not?

Oh, sorry, love. Stop interrupting. Go on, love.

Will Ida Matilda Willis... Me.

Last heard of at Thickamore Mansion.

Mansion.

Even the mice went to the rent drive, you know.

Please contact methods Thorogood, Thorogood and Thorogood.

Oh, Shane.

But it might be good news.

And it might be bad, knowing my luck.

I think someone's left you something in a will.

Who? I don't know.

Probably someone who's died.

Well thought out, Ange.

Yeah, but who do I know with anything worth... Old... What?

Old Mrs Wallenstein.

Who the hell is all this is wallet time?

I used to keep house for her in Golders Green. She was dewy.

She wasn't. She was.

And she had this tea set.

Kosher, I hope.

Stop pushing your luck.

Oh, Angie, it was beautiful.

And she always said to me, she said, Ida, I can't take it with me. And God

she would have if she could have.

Ida, she said, when I go...

It's yours.

Oh, after all these years, oh, Mrs.

Wallentine's tea set.

Oh, now then, where can I put it? It ought to be on display.

Ida. What? You don't know it is Mrs.

Wolfenstein's tea set.

Wallentine. And who else could it be?

Colonel Forbes.

Oh, what did he promise to leave you? And why?

An elephant gun.

For mixing his horlicks.

he liked it.

So, it's either the tea set or an elephant gun.

Oh, we could leave that in the hall for when his other mummy comes.

Oh, I say, just fancy. What will she think when she hears that I'm an

How soon in the morning do you suppose I can ring all them thoroughgoods?

Five minutes ago, you weren't going to ring at all. Oh, well, that was before I

remembered old Mrs.

Wallentine's tea set or Colonel Forbes' elephant gun.

Now what she thought of? Of course, it would mean shifting the sideboard and

moving the table, but, oh, it would look lovely.

Do you think we could have a spotlight trained on it?

Ida, trained on what?

Mrs Ridley Fisher's Chippendale commode.

Morning, Ida. Two eggs, please.

Certainly, sir. Right away, sir. Funny side up, sir. What are you doing?

What does it look like, waiting on you, hand and foot?

Where's Ida?

She's staying in bed for a bit.

She's not ill, is she?

I don't know.

You're the doctor.

Does that mean you think I ought to go and have a look at her?

Oh, Robert, would you?

OK, I'll do it while you burn the toast.

Robert, be nice to her.

What? Well, you can do it. Pretend she's a patient.

I'd rather pretend you're a nurse.

Angie says you're staying in bed. Just for a little while.

There's nothing wrong, is there? No, no, it's nothing.

It's just that... Well, I've been awake all night worrying.

Oh, why did we have to have that fish for supper?

The fish didn't upset you, did it? Oh, no, but the paper it came in did.

But when you went to bed, you were all excited. I thought you'd sleep like a

and dream of commode. Well, I didn't.

I was too excited to sleep and then after a while I got round to thinking

me criminal past.

Your what?

Shane, how long is it before they can't touch you for it?

Can't touch you for what?

It was during the war.

What was? I was tempted.

And I fell.

Ida, fell for what?

A pair of black market stockings, four and eleven and no questions asked.

They couldn't get me for that as well, could they? As well as what?

Defrauding the underground.

Eh? Well, that 4 and 11 had to see me through the week.

And I didn't even have my train fare home. So when I got out at Kentish Town,

told the man I'd lost my ticket. And he asked me for my name and address.

And?

I gave him somebody else's.

Well, good for you. I would have done the same thing. Oh, yes, but they've

caught up with me now, haven't they? Oh, what makes you think that? Well, that

notice in the paper, they're looking for me.

Look, this business with the ticket, when was it?

1944.

1944?

Well, if you want my opinion... Oh, I do, I do.

I think you're in the clear.

Oh, I hope you're right.

Of course I'm right. Look, if they really wanted your fare to Kentish

How much was it, by the way?

Thruppens.

A lot of money in those days, yes, I know. But if they really felt they

do without your Thruppens, do you think they'd spend a small fortune advertising

for you in the national press?

You've got a wonderful brain, Shane.

Oh.

So you really think it's more likely that I've been left something?

Of course I do.

I wonder who by.

Who? Herbert Percival Moggs.

Herbert Percival Moggs? God, what an awful name.

People can't help what their mummies call them, Shane.

Not true.

All the same, you're right, it is an awful name.

Oh, well, come on, let's go and let Mr Thorogood get on with his work. Hang

about, hang about. Don't be in such a hurry to do yourself out of... What

exactly is she doing herself out of? You mean, what is the nature of the

bequest? Yes, I think that's what I mean, yes. Well, let's have a butcher's,

This is the last will and testament of me, Herbert Percival Moggs. I've never

heard of him.

Ida. Well, I haven't. And I've got a casserole to get in.

Hereby revoke all previous... Oh, we can skip all that, can't we? I mean, most

of it's rubbish anyway.

Da -da -da -da -da -da -da. Ah, coming up now.

To Ida Matilda Willis.

There must be two of us.

The property known... Property?

Perhaps there is only one of us.

What property?

You've made me lose my place now.

The property known as Honeysuckle Cottage. What a beautiful name.

Better than Herbert Percival Moggs.

Oh, a little bit more here.

Oh, no, don't tell me.

Valued for probate... I don't want to hear.

It could still be yours.

Is Mr Thorogood satisfied?

Why aren't you?

Because I've never heard of Herbert Percival Moggs. Oh, you must have done.

Perhaps he was a milkman you were kind to.

Watch what you're saying.

Or a window cleaner or a postman or... Do you mind if we move a little more

upmarket?

I mean, what's wrong with a vicar or a schoolteacher? And I once knew a very

nice man from the sanitation.

What is his name, Moggs?

For the last time, I've never heard of Herbert Percival Muggs. Oh, but perhaps

you didn't call him that. Perhaps you called him Herbie or Herb, Bertie or

Bertie! You've remembered. She's remembered.

I was kind to him.

There you are. What did I tell you?

What did you do for him?

More than I meant to.

Then who was he?

Can't you guess?

Oh, not... Your daddy.

Jane Moggs.

If you said that once more.

No, it might get me up in the night.

I'll have some.

I haven't forgotten.

How early?

I want to be on the road by eight. It's a hell of a when. There's a lot to do

when we get there.

Such as?

Find the cottage, look it over, and put it on the market.

Oh, there is a... Put it on the market?

Well, let's be sensible, Ida. What do we want with a country cottage bang in the

middle of nowhere?

We could let it. People make fortunes letting country cottages.

And with the money, we could buy a boat.

Oh, Robert, could we?

Of course we could. Just think of it, Ange.

Weekend's in France.

Gin and tonics on the deck.

Excuse me. Before you start slicing the lemon and put it on your rope -sewn

shoes, kindly remember it's my cottage.

It's bound to be a dump.

A dump?

It was your daddy's home.

His final resting place.

He's not buried in the basement, is he?

Brother! No, no, Angie, I'm glad he said that because it's reminded me of

something. I ought to try and find out where... where he is. So that I can take

some flowers and perhaps have a stone erected.

Paying what?

Thanks for the memory.

What a 14 glorious days.

15 glorious days.

There was a bank holiday tacked on the end.

Oh, and they were...

Glorious days, Angie.

It was coronation year. We went to Battersea Fun Fair.

And went in the Tunnel of Love, I suppose.

Wrong, clever clogs.

We went on the big wheel.

We went, Angie. It took, when we were right at the top, we had to be cranked

down.

How long were you up there?

Why?

Nothing.

If you're thinking what I think you're thinking, we couldn't have. We'd have

fallen out.

Pity he didn't.

Oh, well, you wouldn't be sitting here if he had, because it was three whole

days before it... You saved yourself, then?

Yes.

And it wasn't easy.

I shall go to bed now and dream about him.

Dream about him? You haven't given him a thought for 30 years. Well, I'm giving

him one now.

He's left me a...

Mortgage. The least I can do is grieve a bit.

How big a bit?

Three bedrooms and an inside toilet.

Quite a bit.

What's she doing in there?

Well, she's getting ready to visit your father's last resting place.

But she was ready. All she had to do was put a coat on. Well, perhaps she's

deciding which one to wear.

Oh, God, how many's she got?

Well, there's the grey one and then there's the green one.

Oh, Robert. What?

Look.

What do you mean we've run out of road?

Oh, no.

What are we going to do now?

Same as you've been doing all afternoon.

Swear, reverse and go up another blind alley.

I must have gone wrong somewhere.

You did.

I've got the LP of this.

You can see how I can have.

And the paperback.

I'll tell you, shall I? Do.

At the crossroad.

That last crossroad? Yes.

But I turned right.

Exactly. You should have turned left.

There's who?

The man in the poop bus. I wrote it down, look.

I'll ask before he does.

Angie, if you knew he was wrong, why didn't you say so before?

Remember what happened the first time I told him? And the second?

And the third?

Don't go on, you've made your point.

Who said that?

Me.

God, I bet he's lost.

I'm not, you know.

I bet you are.

I'm not, as a matter of fact. I know exactly where I am.

Good afternoon.

Stop yourself.

I've no idea where you are.

Please, come back.

I'm afraid we are a little bit locked.

I thought you were.

We don't get many people around here.

Well, not in motorcars.

Maybe sometime in spring.

But not with Granny in the back.

Are you ready?

Let me humble myself.

Now, listen, you.

We're looking for Honeysuckle Cottage. No.

Yes. Well, in that case, he's right and she's wrong.

You're not lost, see?

Well, where is it?

It's over them fields.

Where?

Over there.

There's no road.

I know.

Yeah, but we're driving.

Oh.

Well, he's wrong and she's right. You are lost. Nice of you to quit.

Oh, no, no, just a minute.

Suppose we go back to him being right and her being wrong.

Now how do we get there?

On foot.

We'll run our hands and knees if we have to.

Through the gate.

It doesn't open. You'll have to climb it. Then... You were right.

I am selling.

Straight forward.

Across Fiddler's Follies.

Through Nellie's Reach.

And over Parsons Bottom.

It's a piece of cake.

Watch where you put your feet.

Oh, at last.

It looks super, Ida.

So would Alcatraz after Nellie's reached and passed and spotted.

You might have warned me about that bull.

I thought I'd be safe in black.

Well, who's got the keys?

Haven't you?

I thought you were.

Oh, Shane, Mr Thurgood didn't give us any.

I'm dying to spend a penny.

Well, go behind that hedge.

I don't know such thing. Look at the height of those nettles and I've got no

calamine load.

I'll break in. Break in? Well, it's my cottage.

I don't think it is my cottage.

There's somebody in there.

Who? I think we're about to find out.

Good afternoon. I wonder if you can help us. I'm looking for Tunny Suckle

Cottage. I don't believe it.

Well, it's true.

Ida, isn't it?

Yes. Oh, Ida.

Come in.

Come in, all of you.

Now,

sit down, everybody, and I'll make us all a nice cup of tea.

We've got a lot of catching up to do, haven't we, Ida?

Well, I certainly have.

Before we start, do you think I could possibly pop to the... Oh, of course,

love. Up the stairs on the left.

Use the pink towel, dear, not the brown.

That's the dogs.

Thank you.

That's my daughter -in -law, and this is my son, Shane. Robert, how do you do?

How do you do?

I'll not be a minute. The kettle has boiled.

He has got a look of Bertie, hasn't he?

Oh, excuse me.

Who is she?

She knows you?

Yes, and she obviously knows Bertie.

Hang on, what's that picture?

This one?

Yeah, let's have a look at it.

Oh, shame.

This isn't... It is.

Oh, well, at least we're in the right place.

Yes, but who's she?

in the tin.

Or I could run off a few potato cakes.

Or, of course, there's always... Oh, no, no, no. Please don't go to any trouble.

Mrs... Mrs? Oh, my dear. No formalities.

Gladys, please.

But Gladys who?

Oh, I feel better for that.

It's smashing up there. She's got... Oh, there's another photo of that man on

the landing.

He must be her husband.

I wish you hadn't said that, hadn't you?

I don't see how he can be. I mean, if she's his widow, who does she think you

are? I can't get over it.

I really can't.

Bertie's little sister.

Bertie's little sister?

Now, look, lad. I'd have known you anywhere. The image of your photo.

What photo would that be?

It's here in the drawer.

There's one of each of you.

Each of us?

All five of you.

His five little darlings.

That's what Bertie always used to call you. Did he really?

He was one of your sister queen, eh?

And here's your little Madge.

Francis.

Oh.

And here's poor Ethel.

Poor Ethel?

Tragic about Ethel, wasn't it?

Was it? Oh, yes, yes, tragic.

And here...

What Bertie always used to call you.

I will cut into that sponge.

I never knew you had sisters, Ida. I haven't.

And who are all these women?

Well, that was the ward maid.

That was a barmaid.

And that poor tragic Ethel was my best friend.

At least I thought she was.

He must have been running us concurrently.

Oh, well.

So have he.

How are you going to break it to Gladys that Bertie left the cottage to you?

We did, didn't we? I'd forgotten about that.

Oh, let's let her keep it. After all, she's the one who always came back.

And come to think of it, she's got a ring on her finger.

Oh, yes, let's let her keep it.

I think that's very generous of you. I don't. I think it's ridiculous.

Oh, Shane, it's not.

I mean, what's a cottage?

Bricks and mortar.

Your daddy left me something much better than that.

Like what, Ida?

Well, like... him.

Oh, and just look at him. You're covered in mud. Go upstairs and have a wash.

Oh, and Shane...

Use the brown towel.

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