Original subtitles

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

I don't know how Angie does those exercises.

Price Residence, to whom am I speaking to, please?

Yeah, this is Mrs Willis. Who's that?

Mrs Thornberry what?

Oh, well, what can I do for you, Mrs Thornberry Bassett?

What gives you the idea that I'm looking for another job?

Oh, did they? Well, you can just ring them back and tell them I'm not looking

for another job.

No, no, don't bother.

No,

no. I'll do it in person.

Thrice in the employment agency, ever at your service, how can I help?

A Filipino what?

Oh!

Well, I'll put it to computer, but I can't pretend I'm optimistic.

Why not? Are they showing blue movies?

You haven't got an appointment.

Oh, well, in that case, love, make me one.

Oh. Oh, well, when for?

No time like the present.

How about, hey?

Mrs. Willis!

Look, Mr. Price, it's Mrs. Willis. Morning, Mrs. Willis. I got Mrs. Willis

the cutie party.

Mrs Willis is suited, Percy.

But she won't be if people keep ringing her up at her place of work and offering

other employment.

I don't want other employment.

But Mrs Willis... Now, which one of you two gave my number to Mrs Bassett

-Thornberry? I think you mean Mrs Thornberry -Bassett. You're exactly what

wants. Oh, am I? Well, she's not exactly what I want.

How did she get my number?

Oh, you must blame our computer for that.

Well, all right, then how did the computer get my number?

It didn't get it. It gave it.

I wasn't going to sit down.

Look, before it could give it, it must have got it, right?

Right.

Well, where did it get it from?

Well, you're on the master tape, Mrs. Williams.

Oh, this is frightening.

This is big brother time, this is.

How did I get on the master tape?

It's very simple, then. Oh, you're still alive, then.

He took a lot of the files, I fed you on to the master, and that fed you into

the computer.

I see.

Oh, well, that is simple, I agree.

Now, stand by for the complicated bit.

I want to come off the master tape.

I want to come out of the computer.

I want to go back in the file where I was perfectly happy.

And then I won the... Tile?

Burnt. Burnt?

Burnt! We don't burn these days, we shred.

Then shred!

Well, that won't be easy.

Well, I don't see why not. If you can feed me in and feed me on, you can feed

out and feed me off.

We can't erase you from the master set. What do you mean you can't erase me?

Look, supposing I died?

You'd have to erase me then, wouldn't you?

Oh, no, we just feed in the tragic news. And don't tell me... I'd come out black

-edged.

No, you'd just get a hole in your top right hand. Ooh,

it was bad enough having me ears pierced.

Feed this in. I died last Friday.

No flowers by request.

And no more phone calls.

I've got a job. The money's awful.

And the kitchen's worse.

But I love it, and I won't be leaving.

Does that mean we won't be seeing you again?

That's exactly what I mean.

Humphrey.

Goodbye.

Humphrey!

I'm lovely when you get to know me.

Price Residence, to whom am I speaking to, please?

Oh, no, not you again.

Obviously, the sad news hasn't reached you yet, Mrs. Thornberry Bassett. I died

last Friday.

Yes, yes, I was sorry, too.

Oh, how kind of you to ask. Friday at 11.

But family only and no flowers.

Donations if wished to the charity of your choice.

The cat's home would be suitable.

I wonder how long it'll be before she realises what I've said.

Well done.

Now listen, Mrs Fancy Draws, dead or alive, I don't want to work for you, so

just... Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

No, no, I thought I was talking to somebody else.

Yes, this is the Price residence.

To whom am I speaking to, please?

Am I?

The department of what?

Really?

Well, no, no, I'm sorry, but you can't.

No, well, the doctor's out.

Well, he's at the hospital, isn't he, doing his doctoring. But I can let you

have his number.

You've already got his number?

Oh.

Well, there's nothing I can do for you then, is there?

Bye -bye.

I don't like the sound of that.

I don't like the sound of that at all.

And I know somebody else who'll like it even less.

Oh, come on. Oh,

Mrs Price, oh, thank heaven you're in.

It's Ida.

Ida Willis. Look, can I come round?

Now, right away.

Look, I've got to talk to you. Look, it's very important.

About the one thing we've got in common. Our mutual sons.

Australia House. Yes, Australia House. Rang up. Yes, rang up. And asked for

Robert. Yes, and asked for Robert. Why do I have to repeat everything?

Because I'm in shock.

You're in shock. I'm the one that took the call.

We're jumping to conclusions, of course. One phone call doesn't mean they're

going to Australia.

One phone call from the emigration department.

Oh, don't. I know.

You realise what's worrying me?

How much you're going to miss them.

Oh, well, yeah, that too. But what I meant was, if they go to Australia, what

I going to do in my old age?

Same as everybody else.

Wither.

Let's look on the bright side.

You mean they might not go?

No, I mean you might die young.

Mind you, you're leaving it a bit late.

Sorry, sorry, I take that back.

We're facing a crisis, you and me, and we've got to present a united front.

What are you doing tonight?

Playing bridge.

Cancel it.

Look, come round to our place and we'll find out what's going on. Very well, I

will. Don't say anything until I get there, will you?

Why not?

Because of our united front.

Oh, I'd forgotten about that.

And don't be moody.

Moody? Me?

Don't let them see there's anything worrying you.

Oh, I see what you mean. Don't worry.

I'll be my usual sunny self.

Aren't you having any?

No.

Have you said anything to upset her?

I haven't said a word to her all day.

Perhaps that's what's upset her.

I haven't been in all day.

Perhaps that's what's upset her.

I forgot to tell you, your other mother's coming.

That's what's upset her.

What do you suppose she wants?

Your other mother, what she always wants, after divorce.

Hello, yes?

Just a minute. Just a minute.

If that's a Mrs Thornberry bucket, tell her there's been a sudden miracle.

The embalmer saw me breathing.

And he snatched me from the coffin in the nick of time.

And I'll give her a ring in the morning.

What is the matter with her?

If that's a Mrs Thornberry... Oh, hi, Bill. I was going to ring you later.

Look, I got that report up this morning. You should get it tomorrow.

Oh, well, no problem. No.

No. OK. Bye.

Bill Robinson. He's going to Australia.

Remember I said I was doing his medicals? Oh, yes, I remember.

Wouldn't mind a holiday in Australia.

Oh, nor would I.

Don't think I'd like to live there, though. No, nor me. Mind you, to hear

talk, you'd think it was the most wonderful place on earth.

Smile, Robert, it's your other mummy.

Oh, hell.

If that was me standing at the door, I'd want one of you two to answer it. Then

one of us two will.

Good. And guess which.

Talk to Ida, Robert. Find out what's wrong. I'll try.

And be tactful.

Well, of course.

All right, Ida. What's wrong?

What makes you think there's something wrong?

And take your sticky fingers off my paperwork.

You're so bloody moody.

I'm not, am I? Oh, I promised I wouldn't be. Oh, take no notice of me, sir.

You do your own thing and go your own way.

And leave me to go mine.

Oh, God.

Do you really need that drink, Robert? Yes, Mother. Hello, Mother.

It isn't first tonight.

But not his last.

Do you want one?

Of course. I brought an extra cup.

Mrs. Willis, how nice to see you. And how nice to see you, Mrs. Price.

Now, don't go without popping into the kitchen to say goodnight.

Now, don't you go hiding in the kitchen. Stay and have a little chat.

Well, I will if I'm wanted.

I want you. Then I'll stay.

Splendid.

Have a drink.

Robert, a large G &T for Mrs Willis.

Come and sit here by me.

Hasn't it been a miserable day?

Oh, it doesn't know what to do with itself.

I've had my cardi on and I've had my...

That's the British weather for you. There you go. Thank you.

Bottoms up.

Quite.

You can understand people going to Australia.

Long hot summers, long cool winters. You know where you are.

So do we, don't we? A million miles away.

They have sharks, you know.

Who do?

I've heard that. Who do?

Australians.

They have sharks and mosquitoes and...

And flies.

Oh, they're riddled with flies.

It's the cows, you know, that bring the flies.

And they're riddled with cows.

I like cows.

Oh, so do I. I love English cows.

Oh, yes, I love English cows, of course. I love English anything.

Yes, yes. I can't understand why anybody wants to go to Australia.

Nor can I.

It's got nothing to offer.

If you knew anything at all about Australia, you wouldn't be spouting all

rubbish. Robert!

Robert knows a lot about Australia. He's been reading all their pamphlets and

things. Oh, has he indeed?

And may one ask why?

A friend of mine's thinking of going out there.

Oh, yes.

It's not just the weather. The housing's good. The hospitals are good. And the

schools must be good. Well, the Queen sent Prince Charles there, didn't she?

Prince Andrew.

Oh, well, what are we waiting for?

What are you doing next Thursday?

Would they get in, Robert?

Oh, not a chance.

Why not?

What's the matter with her?

You're both too old.

Oh, now who's spouting rubbish?

Let me tell you that a friend of mine went to Australia to join her son, and

was older than me.

No, she was older than you.

I've got a cousin in Australia.

Actually, she only went there to get away from her mother -in -law.

Poor thing.

No, she likes it, flies and all.

I meant the mother -in -law.

What's going to happen to her when she grows old?

She already is. She's in an old people's home in Tunbridge Well.

Hey, poor soul.

They wouldn't do that in China.

They're good to their grannies in China.

Do you know over there, they even have a granny's day?

How do you know that?

I've been chatting to the man at the takeaway.

Oh, granny's days.

They won't have those in Australia.

I wouldn't mind, but they're not even grannies. And whose fault is that?

I give up on you two, I really do. I give up on you. Oh, yes. Well, we know

where we're up to then, don't we?

Indeed we do.

And we know where we're off to.

Where are we off to?

The old people's home in Tunbridge Wells.

Thinking about?

Last night.

Oh, yes.

Want to do it again?

Not that.

Oh. I don't like it when my mothers get together.

Well, they never have before.

No, but they never do again.

They were in that kitchen till nearly midnight.

Doing what?

Talking. What about?

I don't know. I walked in, they shut up. I walked out, they started up again.

What I don't understand is how I've managed to upset both of them at the

time. Do you know when I think it happened?

When?

we said that about old people's homes?

I don't remember what we said.

Nor do I, exactly.

But I do remember they got very uptight.

Mind you, Ida was uptight already.

She was uptight when we came home from work.

Was she uptight when we left for work?

Not with me.

She gave me two hand rolls and told me to have a nice day.

Something must have happened while we were out.

Then it can't be anything to do with us, can it? No.

Hey, wait a minute.

What was that on the telephone with a Mrs... Mrs... Thornfield Beagle or

whatever her name was.

Hello, yes?

The name was Thornberry Bassett.

Yes. Mrs Willis did live here.

She's still down.

Died last week.

Our Mrs Willis didn't.

I'll get her to ring you, shall I? That should prove it, shouldn't it?

Yes. Has she got your number?

Good. Goodbye.

That was very weird.

Yes?

this morning, Ida?

Better than what?

We understand you died last week.

Oh, I should be none again.

I said you'd ring her back.

Oh, when? Just now.

No, I mean, when am I supposed to ring her? I don't know, do I? I don't know

anything anymore.

Well, that makes two of us, then, doesn't it?

Ida, you forgot the milk. I'm not surprised, the state I'm in.

Why are you in a state?

As if you didn't know.

We don't know. We've racked our brains. Then rack again.

Any ideas?

None. Well, will this help?

Is there anything you'd like to tell me? Anything you feel I ought to know?

Angie's not pregnant.

I know she isn't. I thought I was last month.

I know you did.

How?

Three days of white -faced panic, followed by a smile of relief.

I've been young myself.

you know, only I never got as far as the smile of relief.

Thanks to him.

Oh, go on. You know you're glad you had me. I know I thought I was.

Well, I'm glad you had me.

So am I. I expect our children will be too one day. They won't, you know.

Not unless you change your mind and make it China.

China? Did I tell you that I'm going out?

No. Well, I am.

What for?

I'm inviting someone for coffee. Who?

Your other mother.

Oh, it was all a misunderstanding.

Yes.

I blame that woman, of course.

Oh, she's that woman again now, is she? Last night you were as thick as thieves.

Hell, we were off to Australia.

She made a mistake. There's no harm done.

No harm done? Have you forgotten I had to cancel my bridge?

Oh, dear.

The woman's unreliable. You can't believe a word she says. Nonsense. I

she's a relative of yours.

Well... In a sense.

She's my mother, Mother.

You can hardly put that on her reference, dear.

What reference?

Well, I don't know where she's going, but wherever it is, they're going to

a reference, aren't they?

I don't know what you're talking about.

She's going to another job, leaving you.

Why? Surely that's obvious, dear, because you're going to Australia.

But we're not.

No, but she thinks you are.

And if I were you, I'd let her go on thinking it.

Let her go.

It's for the best.

I wouldn't dream of letting her go.

I love her.

And I love you too.

Oh, God.

Angie, where do you think she might have gone?

Back to that agency, I suppose.

What agency?

The one we got her from.

Oh, yes.

What were they called?

Bryce and Lee.

I know when I'm licked.

Thanks, Ma.

Morning. Disney.

Hey. All these ladies and gentlemen are before you.

Sorry.

Mrs.

Willis. Look, Mr. Price, it's Mrs. Willis. Very funny, Percy. Pull the

one. Let me.

But you're suited.

You said you were suited, didn't she, Percy? Didn't she say she was suited?

did, Mrs Willis. I know I did, but that was yesterday.

This is today, and I want a job to start tomorrow.

Excuse me.

What is it?

My queue's turned ugly.

Why? Because it's been jumped by this lady.

They was all before you, you know. I know, they was.

Oh, go and calm them down.

Percy! he can manage me alone, can't you?

Oh, of course you can. Go on, off you go.

Oh, and leave the door ajar, please.

Well, this shouldn't take long. I mean, you know all my little likes and

dislikes. I did, but I don't anymore.

But I was only in yesterday.

When, if you recall, you asked to be shredded.

You never did what I asked.

Of course I did what you asked.

for the first time in years.

Oh, all right, then. Where are me bits?

Bits?

Yeah, bits.

Me bits.

Me shreds. Where are they?

Oh, in a small plastic black bag in the outer office.

Right, well, bring it in and then we'll start putting me back together again.

We can't put you back together again. You're not a jigsaw puzzle.

Look, if you really want to come back on our books, and there are other

agencies... Oh, no, I'll stick with you. Better the devil you know.

Again, no luck.

Now, might I have your name, please, Mrs Willis?

Well, you know me name. You've just said it.

Ah, I know it, but the computer doesn't. Well, it's own will.

Is that it? Yes.

Right.

Now, listen, you.

My... It is switched on, is it? Yes, it is. Good.

My name is Ida Willis.

My age is... 38.

My... Am I doing this right?

No, Mrs Willis, it has to be punched in.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Mrs Willis!

There's a young man out here. He wants to... Oh, don't hit him. He's doing his

thing. Yes, I am.

I wasn't going to hit him. I wouldn't bet on it.

Shane!

Whatever are you doing here?

Oh, don't tell me you have to look for another job. Oh, I can give him a

reference. He's wonderful at everything.

You've never given up doctoring. It was the hours, wasn't it? Or was it the

blood? Ida!

Shut up. Yes, Shane.

Good. I only... Sorry, Shane.

Now. Did you honestly think we'd go off to Australia, or Southend for that

matter, and leave you behind?

You mean you're not?

Of course we're not.

You mean I got it wrong? Yes, you've got it wrong.

Can we go home now? I haven't had any breakfast.

Oh, you poor little starving thing.

Oh, just a minute.

It's me again.

They're not going after all, so you can erase me again.

But thank you all the same.

And it's been very nice meeting you.

Bye -bye.

You can get quite fond of them.

Well, it really is goodbye.

Promise? I promise.

Come on, Ida.

Oh, she's lovely when you get to know her.

I am.

I'm lovely.

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