Original subtitles

Bye.

Oh, not again, Angie. I must get some sleep.

I don't mean that.

Oh. What did you wake me up for, then?

I'm not making tea.

I heard a noise.

What sort of a noise?

Well, it was a bit like a car door slamming. Perhaps it was a car door

In the kitchen?

You were dreaming.

No, you weren't.

Ida, what do you think you're doing?

Hello, loves. Oh, well, you can see what I'm doing. I'm clearing out these

cupboards. Oh, and the things I've found.

Here, why did you never tell me you had a pie funnel?

Because I didn't know.

Well, all these weeks, I've been making do with a coffee cup upside down.

Do you know what time it is?

Er, let's see. Well, I was listening to Trucker's Hour.

That goes off at two. Then I finished my Harold Robbins.

Oh, I don't know how he gets away with it.

I enjoyed it, though.

And then I got up to go to... Oh, it must be three. Or after.

It's five to four.

Oh, tea time!

And I've got some scones in the oven.

She really has.

Ida, aren't you tired?

No, I am.

And so will you be in the morning.

Why, what have you got planned for me?

Heidi, you can't work all night and then work all day.

Why can't I? You often do.

I have to. I'm a doctor.

And I have to. I'm a woman.

Oh, Miss Collins, of course.

Oh, it's not too bad.

Well, a little bit of burn, but a blind man would be glad to see it.

Angie, look, would you like some apricot jam on yours?

Not that I think the burn will taste.

Angie?

What's the matter with the child?

Nothing's the matter with her. She's asleep.

Which at four in the morning is fair enough.

Come on, Auntie, let's get back to bed.

And the same goes for you, Ida. Back to bed.

Oh, must I? I'm not a bit sleepy.

Of course you're sleepy. Look at you. You're yawning.

Well, I'm scratching my head as well, but I've not got nicks.

Sorry. Sorry.

Look, I'll just wash these pots and then I'll go to bed.

Good. If I feel sleepy.

Are we getting into bed or are we getting out?

We're getting in.

Night.

Angie.

Angie.

Oh, not again, Robert.

What a relief. They cost a fortune to mend. Plug it in again. There's a good

boy. No.

No? No.

Come with me.

Where to?

Now what? I'll tell you now what. Get into bed.

I'd, uh... I know.

Dressing gown and slippers.

Dressing gown and slippers.

mind if I say me prayers in bed?

You'll be thrilled.

In.

I'm not a bit sleepy, you know.

Would you like a cup of tea?

No, thank you. That might mean me getting up again.

Good point, no tea. How about a sleeping pill? That might mean me never getting

up again.

How about two sleeping pills?

Well, if there's nothing I can get you... Shane. Don't call me Shane.

Yes? There is one little thing.

I thought there might be.

Oh.

Now I shall sleep.

Mummy's little shame.

Coming. Well, say something, Robert, if it's only good morning, Mother.

Good morning, Mother.

Very good.

Now try come in.

Come in.

Thanks. I will.

Is something wrong?

With what, dear? With you. You're very early.

Nonsense. It's twenty past nine.

Put some clothes on and I'll get that woman to make us some coffee. If you

Ida, I don't think she's up yet.

Is it her morning off? No.

Then she should be up.

Oh, dear. I mustn't interfere.

Where's Angela? She can make the coffee.

She's not up yet, either.

Oh, I've never known such a household.

Get her up.

Tell her I'm here. She'll be thrilled.

Who is it? Come on.

Oh, hello, Mother. Angela, dear.

Oh, do try to wake up, both of you. Go and put some clothes on and join me in

the lounge.

There's something I want to discuss with you.

You'd better put some clothes on, Angie.

There's a twist.

And I'm not getting dressed just because your mother said so.

I think I'd better.

You're frightened of her.

Oh, no, I am.

You wouldn't like to make some coffee, would you? For her?

Well, she is one of my mothers.

It's in the jar, Mark. Coffee?

I thought you were in bed.

Where do you think I found all this? Under me pillow?

I've been out since eight o 'clock. I've done all the weekend... I hope one of

those isn't for me.

No, it isn't. Oh, good, because you know how I feel about mugs. Ooh, I can't

abide it.

Who is it for, then?

Guess who's coming for breakfast.

And you don't mean Sidney Poitier, do you?

In that case, mugs will be fine.

What time's she arriving?

She's arrived. She's in the lounge.

Who's with her?

No one.

No one? You mean she's on her own in there?

Ida, she won't lift the silver. She'll lift everything else to see if there's

dust under.

Which is more than can be said for you, isn't it?

Meaning? My son.

And mine.

Robert. Shane. You are not paid good money to lie in bed half the morning.

Lie in bed?

Oh, and I came in here with such good intentions.

I'd have you know that at Upper State this morning I was in Tesco's having a

with the girl at the checkout.

And what were you doing?

Calisthenics, Mrs. Willis.

Pardon, Mrs. Price.

Exercises.

You've probably wondered how I keep this figure.

No.

I've often wondered why.

But I've never wondered how.

I'm sorry it took so long. I forgot to switch the kettle on. Oh, don't worry

about us, love. We've been having one of our cosy chats, haven't we?

Yes. That's better. Now we can all... Ah, mugs.

My mothers don't like mugs. Then your mothers will have to lump them then,

they? Angela.

Oh, well said.

I'll lump them if you will.

Don't worry, she will.

There you are, get that down you.

This says, I am sexy.

Well, it wasn't to know, was it?

Robert. What was it you wanted to talk to us about, Mother?

Not now, dear.

Pas de vent.

Pas de what?

That means not in front of the servants.

Which means moi.

Angela, dear, tell me, are you free on Friday?

Why? I want you to stay awake for distressed gentlewomen.

You wanted a what?

You've heard of sponsored walk?

Yes. This is a sponsored wake.

Next Friday in St. Ethelburgers.

Ethel what?

Burgers.

It's the Churchill round back of the bus station.

Very tra -la posh.

And you want Angie to stay awake?

How long for?

Oh, as long as possible, dear. We need every penny we can get. Some of these

ladies are in desperate straits.

So will you be if you're relying on us.

She's right. I love her, but she's no good at staying awake, are you, Ange? I

at all -night parties.

Which this is not.

Hey, why don't I do it?

No, dear, it's ladies only.

That was the vicar's one stipulation when he lent us the hall.

Well, you're always up at the crack of dawn. Why don't you enter yourself?

Oh, I'm entered. But the agreement was that committee members not only enter

themselves, but produce at least one friend.

Well, even you must have at least one friend.

I see that.

I think I ought to do it.

Pardon?

She thinks Ida ought to do it, and so do I.

Mrs Willis?

Me? Well, she's been up all night, and look at her. Precious paint.

I am, aren't I?

Well, if I do it, and I might or I might not, but if I win, which I will, do I

get a prize?

A night out with the vicar.

But you won't win.

I don't want to now.

Who says I won't? I don't want to brag, but I'm hot favourite.

You were hot.

Why can I smell burning?

Ooh, ooh.

Where's Ida? Why isn't she cooking breakfast?

Well, it's her wakey -wakey thing tonight and she's out getting more

I thought she had plenty of sponsors.

So did she till she saw your mother's list.

Do you want coffee?

Not if you're making it, no, thank you.

Hello! Oh, thank God.

Look what I've got. Look, look, look, look, look. I've got three more.

The butcher, the baker and the undertaker.

I think he's hoping I'll drop dead in your tent.

I don't think I will.

But if I do use him, he's got a lovely smile.

All right, we will.

What time did you get up, Ida? Oh, I didn't look because I haven't been to

You see, I thought that if I stayed awake all night last night, then I'd be

fit state to go to sleep all day today so I can stay up all night tonight.

Got it?

Do you mean you're going to sleep all day today?

Oh, your daddy had a run rings round you, and he was hospital porter.

Yes, I'm going to sleep all day today.

Oh, how?

Oh, it's too much, isn't it?

Well, I've thought of getting into bed and shutting me eyes.

But if you've got any better ideas... Ah, take a sleeping pill.

Oh, that'd be cheating.

He gave his other mother one.

Did he?

Then it can give me one as well.

Not that I'll need it. I'll be out like a light the minute me head touches the

pillow.

Oh.

Oh, isn't it boring?

I'll try counting sheep again.

One, two, three, four.

Come on, five, over the style.

I'm glad I haven't got any money on you.

There's a dish of mint sauce behind you.

I thought that'd shift you.

Hi. Hi.

Just to say we're both off to work and we've left the phone off the hook.

Why? So you won't be disturbed.

You must get a good day's sleep, Ida. Oh, I'll be all right as soon as I drop

off. But it's getting up that's the problem.

Well, take one of Robert's pills. Look, he's left them out for you. Oh, you know

how I feel about pills.

Well, I will if I'm desperate.

Is that you, dear? Oh, good. Look, I've got to go, so if you want to lift it,

now or never.

I thought you were going to be asleep the moment your head hit the pillow.

So did I.

Ida, swallow your pride and take a pill.

Oh, well, if I do, how long will it take to work?

On you?

Oh, seconds.

Oh, well, I'll think about it. Now, go on, off you go, and don't forget to wake

me up the minute you get back, because I've got to be at St Burgh's at eight o

'clock. Ooh! What?

I think I feel a yawn coming on.

Who needs pills?

One, two, three, four.

Oh, it's you again.

3 ,747.

3 ,748.

3 ,000. Ooh.

And land the price it is.

3 ,000. Oh, I can't be bothered.

Oh.

Oh, well.

I'll just take one.

You've got to get some sleep, Ida girl.

There's no difference.

Oh, perhaps it's as well I wasn't asleep.

Oh, I'll kill whoever that is.

Oh, they should have taken the front door up.

There hasn't been an accident, not yet, anyway.

Top floor, clear. Right, start at the other end of this one.

What's going on?

Well, the thing is, madam... Excuse me, were you alone in there?

Well, of course I was alone in there. This is Muswell Hill, not Dallas.

No, of course.

Look, I'll ask again, what's going on?

Well, probably nothing, madam, but acting on information received, we're

evacuating the building.

How long for?

And what for?

I'm sure there's no cause for alarm, madam.

but there may be a bomb in the building which may go off at any moment.

Oh, well, as long as there's no cause for alarm, I might... Did you say a

If you'll just go down to the forecourt, madam, another policeman will tell you

what to do next. Yeah, but what about me things?

What things?

Me personal things, me bits and pieces.

Madam, if you don't shift yourself, you'll be in bits and pieces, and so

Yeah, but I must have a coat, mustn't I?

Very well, but just a coat, madam.

isn't it? Just a coat.

Where are you?

I was just getting my son's wedding photograph.

That's my son.

And that's my daughter -in -law.

Oh, you might know her face.

Well, you might know her figure.

She's a model. Very successful.

And he's a doctor.

A brilliant...

What the hell's going on?

You tell me. She's giving me her life history here.

Does she know about the bomb?

Well, of course I know about the bomb. You've told me about it, haven't you?

where are my manners? Would either of you two gentlemen like a nice cup of

I'm making it anyway.

Oh, no, you're not.

But I'm parched and it won't take a minute.

Madam, we may not have a minute.

You can have all the tea you want when we get down to emergency reception.

Where's that?

In the church hall, round the back of the bus station.

Sir Dettelberger's? Yes, madam.

Oh, that'll save me a journey. I'm spending the night there.

In the church hall?

Yeah, well, you see, they're doing this sponsored wake, and we've all got... You

mean walk.

No, I don't. I mean wake.

And we've all got to stay awake.

How long for?

Well, all night, if we can.

Oh, I don't know why I'm so tired.

Oh, yes, I do.

Tell us about it on the coach, love, OK?

She'd never stay awake all night. She'd half asleep now.

I am, aren't I?

And it's all my own fault. Oh, why did I do it?

Do what, madam?

I was desperate, wasn't I? That's why I did it.

Well, did what, madam?

I took sleeping pills.

Oh, no.

Well, what did you do a thing like that for?

So that I couldn't stay awake.

Right, and I'll have a scout round to see if I can find out what she took.

Here, if that bomb goes off and I still appear, we might get a medal.

Oh, yeah.

I wonder what they'd pin it to.

Small ones.

Did you call for the stretcher? Don't rush me.

I reckon she'd have it anyway.

But we'll still need a stretcher, won't we?

3 ,751. Mrs Willis, are you all right?

Never better.

I heard on the radio about the bomb. I dashed straight over.

Oh, how very kind.

Would you like a nice cup of tea?

I'd love a strong cup of black coffee.

Unfortunately, I took a couple of Robert's pills.

I wanted to sleep without them.

So that you could stay awake all tonight. Oh, I did just the same. Oh,

Price, I'm so tired.

So am I, Mrs Willis. I love my chair.

Like the stitches on his... I don't believe it.

You wanted me, sir?

Yes, Dr. Price, I did.

Have a look at these two patients, will you? Tell me what you think.

Yes, sir. Certainly, sir.

Of course. Well, I've run a few tests. I can't be absolutely... Oh, my... My

God.

Dr. Price, I think it only right to tell you that both these ladies claim to be

your mother.

They both are, sir.

Yes, well, that's what I... I see.

Well, they also claim you gave them sleeping pills.

I did, sir, but only two each.

Seems to have been plenty.

When they wake up, Dr.

Price... Yes, sir? ...get them out of here, will you, please?

Yes, sir. I'm sorry about this, sir. Yes.

Tell me something.

How many fathers have you?

None, sir. None at all.

What I mean is, both my fathers are dead, sir.

Really?

You didn't give them pills, did you?

No, sir.

Good.

Shame. Don't call me shame.

Oh, you're awake.

Was that your boss you were talking to?

One of them.

Oh, no man should have more than one boss.

No man should have more than one mother.

About, er... What time is it?

7 .30.

Morning or evening?

Evening. Oh, great!

I can still make it. Make it? To St Burgh's. The week. I must let my

down. And I'll tell you another thing.

With your other mother out like a light, I can't lose Gabba. Now, just a minute.

I'll have to wake her up as well. It's only fair.

Besides, she'll go mad if I don't. And I'll go mad if you do.

And I'm the one you have to live with.

Burger.

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