Original subtitles

That's my boy

I ought to get danger money.

Hi there.

What are you doing up there?

Wishing I was down there.

Oh, give us a hand.

Oh, thank you, love.

Now, will you put the ladder away?

Oh, I've gone all giddy.

I'm hungry. What time's breakfast?

Oh, food, food, food.

That's all you ever think about.

Who had crisps in here last night? You did. Oh, then I'm a messy eater.

Look, Ida, it's eight o 'clock on a Sunday morning. I know, and I'm all

Oh, never mind the hoover.

I've never done that before.

Now, that'll worry me all day.

Now, you know, that ladder won't put itself away, you know. All right, all

right. Why are you in such a bad temper?

I'm not in a bad temper.

If I was in a bad temper, you'd be the first to know. Get out!

Nothing that'll please her, the mood she's in.

Can I polish the furniture?

Done.

Clean the silver?

Done. Arrange the flowers? It's all been done, Angie.

I've done everything.

We may as well go back to bed then, Angie. Oh, no, you don't. Not with so

to do.

What is the matter with her? Your mother's coming to tea.

I know she is. So what? Well, Ida likes everything to look nice.

It looks all right to me. Everything looks fine, Ida.

And so it should.

I've been up since five.

Oh, that'll be the paper boy. I'd know that whistle anywhere.

Quick, go and catch the papers before they hit the doormat.

Eh? Well, I don't want them raising dust.

Go on.

Oh, I've thought of something you can do.

It's not cooking, is it? It is not cooking. I said something you can do,

can't do.

Well, what is it, then? It's the only worthwhile thing they taught you at that

posh school of yours.

Oh, cut thin bread and butter.

Right, and don't make...

Times are observer, aren't you? Neither. I don't want them creased.

Right. There.

And... How does that look?

Like a waiting room.

That's just the effect I want to achieve.

Neat, but not welcoming.

Put it in the news of the world, huh? Are you mad? And let her know you read

Good. I'll take it back to bed with me, then. You will not. And not only because

you're not going back to bed, but because it's going under... that cushion

there it stays until... Oh, that reminds me. He hasn't been to the joke shop

again. I don't think he'd dare putting his other mother on a whoopee cushion.

Oh, I was mortified.

You laughed as loud as anyone.

Only after she'd gone.

How could you?

I wanted to break the ice.

Well, you did that all right. She jumped a mile and broke a teacup.

Now, what next?

Oh, yes, I've got to clean under my bed. Ida, my mother is not going to look

under your bed.

She won't need to. She's got X -ray eyes.

Oh, yes, then you'd better clean under that chair.

Look, if you knew how much I dread your other mother coming to tea, you wouldn't

make jokes about it.

I'd rather go to the dentist.

And if you knew how much I dread going to the dentist, you'll know how much I

dread having your other mother come to tea.

Oh, I'll go and clean under my bed. Oh, yes.

Speaking of beds, no nipping back for five minutes. I know you two.

Very nice, Ida. Though I says it as shouldn't, very nice indeed.

A real Yorkshire tea.

Now, how do I look?

Lovely. And haven't helped who says different.

I wasn't, was I?

Angie will know.

I suppose we ought to be getting up.

Oh, not just yet.

Oh, well, I must.

What?

I've got a terrible pain. Where?

Just here.

Angie! Angie!

It never fails, does it? I swear she's got this room bugged.

Angie! Yes, Ida, what is it? Did I or did I not have this dress on the last

his other mother kicked...

What are you doing? You're supposed to be getting changed.

Your other mother will be here any minute now. Honestly, if I didn't know

better, I'd swear you two weren't married.

Here we are.

About time.

How do we look?

Flushed. And I only hope your other mother doesn't wonder why.

I'll tell her we've been chugging. Tell her what you like.

it's nothing to me.

Look, how long are you going to keep this up?

I don't know what you're talking about.

As long as I like.

You've made the table.

No, I haven't.

Six little men in white coats came and did it for me.

No, I mean, last time we sat over there and sort of ate off our knees.

We did.

He sat over there and sort of ate off the floor.

And did you see the look on her face? Never again.

We eat at the table.

And kindly note, There are napkins.

No wiping your fingers on the cloth.

You've forgotten something, haven't you? Have I? What?

Whatever's supposed to go on there.

That is for her contribution.

You know she always brings a cake. Well, it's going on there.

I've had it reinforced.

Oh, yes.

That reminds me.

Who's turn is it to have a slice of her rotten cake?

I know it didn't mine.

And it's not mine.

Certainly not mine.

Look, I had a piece last time. I know you did. I found it in your trouser

pocket.

Ooh, what a way to start Monday morning.

A trouser pocket full of Black Forest gats.

Thank God I knew what it was.

Right, then. Whose turn is it to have a slide?

Robert's. Oh, thanks very much. Why me?

Because she's your mother.

Only one of them? What time's she coming?

Four. Oh, she's two minutes late.

Impossible, she's never late.

She is this time. I've set this by Big Ben, and she's two minutes late.

Go and let her in, and try to smile.

And you can ring Big Ben and tell him it's two minutes fast.

Oh, I don't... What now?

Everything is fantastic, thanks.

Oh, it was nothing.

Come on, you've worked yourself into the ground for someone you don't even like.

Don't even lie. That's the understatement of the century.

I love that woman.

I don't want to cause you pain, love, but I truly hate her.

As far as I'm concerned, I could put her in a box, tie her with a ribbon and

throw her in the deep blue sea. Oh, Mrs. Frank.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Willis. Robert, dear. Oh, you look flushed. Let me feel

your forehead. No.

Oh, let her. It won't kill you and it'll make her...

No, I'm all right. Why are you flushed?

Um, I dare you.

Uh, Angie and I have been jogging.

Good, I'm told it's a wonderful exercise.

Oh, yes, it is. Good. Now you've started, I hope you'll keep it up.

I will.

Well, come on, take your mother's coat.

Oh, thank you, dear. You will be careful with it, won't you? Why, does it bite?

I'll go and hang it up. Do, dear, on a padded hanger, if you have such a thing.

We have, in my wardrobe.

Just chuck my mink on the bed.

Do sit down, Mrs Price.

Thank you.

At least it doesn't make a noise.

I imagine it's yours.

I'd get it for the bingo.

lady says the same.

How nice the room looks.

Does it?

And fresh flowers.

Oh, you don't know how fresh. One of them pinched me bottom.

A flower pinched... I don't understand.

It was a joke, love.

Oh, I see.

It's people like you that killed musicals.

Right, how are we getting on? Oh, like a house on fire.

Are you?

And that was a joke as well.

And you won't be long. She's just making the tea. Hey, bless her little heart.

I'll go and give her a hand. Oh, just a moment before you go. I'm afraid I've

got bad news.

You can't stay. Go and get her coat.

I was going to make a layer cake.

And you didn't? No.

Oh. Oh, that is bad news.

Isn't it, Ida? No. Yes.

I'm really disappointed.

So am I. I don't think you need beef.

Why? I've made sausage rolls instead.

A piece of pork pie, Mrs. Price.

No, thank you. Or a salmon sandwich. It's the red, not the pink.

Or the corned beef and pickle, if you prefer.

Don't laugh, but I'm saving myself for the sausage rolls.

I'm trying to save myself from them.

But stay in love. A nice prawn patty. No, thank you. Not for Robert. He'd

have a sausage roll, wouldn't you, dear? Well, no. I knew it.

And I never saw his lips move.

One for you, Angela.

Oh, no.

They look delicious, but no, thank you. Why ever not?

She's on a diet.

So am I.

Paisley's awfully fattening.

Oh, not that, dear. That's rough puff.

These are quite good.

They're very good.

I've won prizes for my rough puff.

I wish you'd stop saying that.

Do you want a bite, Ida? No, but we're not in the playground.

Mrs Willis will have a role of her own.

It'll be the first for years.

How did that get there?

Oh, well.

What do you think of it?

Robert, she can't talk with her mouth full.

I can, you know.

And she knew it. Oh, don't tell me she didn't.

Oh, I'd love a cup of that tea.

Well, have one then.

Oh, I daren't. It might melt me chewing gum.

What chewing gum?

The bit that I've got right round me tomb.

And you won't go to a dentist?

For the hundredth time, no, I won't.

Robert, tell Ida she's got to go to a dentist.

You've got to go to a dentist.

Let's take a minute.

Well, it's to cover the jagged edge.

Well, I kept playing with it. You know how you do.

Me tongue kept going back... Oh?

What? I've swallowed me gum.

Oh, that can be very dangerous. It can wrap itself round a vital part and do

untold damage in later life.

I read that in live letters.

Ida, when did you last go to the dentist?

Oh, let me see.

It was when I was expecting him.

I'd forgotten about that. He cost me two teeth.

And then he had gas.

I pleaded for cocaine, but no, that must came down on me face.

I can feel it now, that sinking feeling.

I'm going.

I didn't even know I had one.

No, thank you. I'll stick to me chewing gum.

Look, I'll take you and I'll bring you back.

Oh, yes.

And what about that bit in the middle? Will you sit in the dentist's chair and

open wide?

I wish I could, but honestly, it won't hurt.

Oh, no, it won't. I know it won't.

Because I'm not going.

Right, get your coat on. We'll just about do it. Do it? Do what?

Get to the dentist by five past ten. I'm not going to the dentist.

Very good of him to fit you in. I told him I was a doctor. Oh, did you? Well,

then you can just ring him back and tell him that you're a fool as well, because

I'm not going to... No, of course you're not. Get your arm in there.

I'm not doing it.

about that jagged edge?

It's all gone smooth.

Why,

don't you believe me?

It can't have gone all smooth.

Well, it has.

Honest, we might just as well go home.

It took 20 minutes to get you in the car. It's not going to take 20 minutes

get you out.

Out!

I've left something on. The tap. I've left the tap on. We'll be flooded out.

No, we won't. I'll ring the hall porter. He's got to pass.

He would have.

I've left my handbag in the car.

I have really, Shane, honest.

You won't need it. Now, come on. Yeah, but I will need it. Me smelling salts

in it. Shall I just meet back?

I'll go.

You stay here.

If anything, you know, if anything happens, I've left me will on me

table.

Nothing's going to happen.

Well, of course it isn't. I know it isn't, but, well, if it does, that's

me will is.

Tommy? Tommy Hawkins?

Over here, miss.

Oh, isn't he sweet? I could buy lumps out of him.

He'd break another tooth.

Come along, then. Mr Fletcher's waiting.

Can this lady go in first, please?

Now, Tommy, don't start.

He shouldn't be here on his own, you know. It's not right.

Where's your mummy, love?

She goes to work. I'm a latchkey kid.

He's all right. It won't do him any harm.

A lot you know. There should be a law against it.

You'll be all right, love. Mr Fletcher's ever such a nice man, isn't he, Shane?

This is my little boy.

And he's got a lovely teeth.

Show him your teeth, Shane.

Isn't he a funny boy?

Will you come through now, Tommy? Will you come with me?

Me? Not because I'm frightened.

No, of course you're not frightened. But it's nice to have company, isn't it?

Will you, please?

Would that be allowed?

I should think Mr Fletcher will be delighted.

I bit him last time.

That was very naughty.

Oh, little treasure.

Come on, then.

I shan't be long. I'll just see him settled in.

That's all right. There's no hurry. I expect you're next.

Oh, about that. I was thinking we might as well cancel my appointment because me

tooth's not hurting anymore.

And it's a shame to waste the gentleman's time, isn't it?

Are you frightened?

Frightened? Me?

Silly boy.

There's nothing to be frightened of.

Tommy Hawkins.

Hello, Tommy.

You'll be all right now, won't you, Pat?

You said you'd stay.

Oh, I didn't. I just said I'd bring you in, and I have, and now I'm going. You

can stay if you like, if Tommy wants you to. Is this your granny, Tommy? No.

My granny's not as old as that.

Oh, Tommy, in the chair.

Oh. Did I hurt you last time?

No. Well, then.

You might hurt me this time. Oh, Tommy, what a thing to say.

He might hurt you as well.

No. Well, if it does, I won't have to mind, will I? You see, sometimes things

have to hurt just a little bit for them to make you better.

You won't hurt me, will you?

After him.

Oh, you must be, um... Ida Willis, missus. Oh, yes, you're the one who

tooth on a sausage roll.

A sausage roll?

You must have rotten teeth.

It was a rotten sausage roll.

Will you be up to mend her tooth?

Or will you have to dig it out?

Well... Answer him.

Well, whatever I have to do, Mrs Willis won't be frightened, will she?

Oh, no.

I mean, oh, no, of course I won't. Not a bit.

You go first, then.

What? I dare you.

Well, Mr Fletcher doesn't want to take us out of order, do you? I don't mind.

Oh, sadder you are. I dare you.

The things they come out with.

Oh, you don't want me to go first. You want to go first, and then you get it

over with, won't you?

Scaredy cat.

Nobody calls me a scaredy cat.

Right, out of me way.

Now then, who's a scaredy cat?

What's this for?

Oh, that's only to protect your dress.

What room?

Blood.

Blood.

Let's have a look, shall we?

Open wide.

That's not enough.

He has to get the whole of his hand in.

Does this child have to stand quite so near? Mrs. Willis, will you please open

your mouth?

Oh, half my life they've been telling me to shut it.

Come on, Ida. You've survived the blow.

We're going to need a few more appointments, aren't we?

You're going to have to catch me first.

You

didn't

mind my dropping round?

Mind? Oh, of course I didn't mind. You're part of the family, almost.

And fancy bringing me flowers.

Just a few. I noticed that.

To cheer the invalid.

Oh, I does no invalid.

She's been marvellous. When you think how frightened you were before you went.

I think how silly I was.

I'd never mind going again, you know.

Hi, darling. Hi.

Hi, mothers.

How are you feeling, Ida? Fine. I was just telling your other mother. I quite

enjoyed me little trip to the dentist.

He's a lovely man.

Who is?

Mr Fletcher, look, the dentist.

He's got lovely eyes.

I'm glad you liked him. Oh, I did. Yes, he's quite dishy.

He thought you were quite dishy, too.

You see, I told you he was a lovely man.

How do you know?

He phoned the hospital this morning. You were supposed to make six more

appointments. I know. I will when I'm passing.

That's all right. I popped in and did it for you.

Here's your card.

They're all Tuesday mornings, so I can take you there, wait for you, and bring

you back.

He's a good boy to his nut.

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