Original subtitles

That's my boy. That's my boy.

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

If they could see me now, that little gang... I don't. Eating fancy food and

drinking.

You are?

I'm trying to read.

So you are. I've told you before about reading at the table.

What is it, anyway?

Whatever is it?

It's a roast liver.

Well, I know you can fry them.

And some people braise them, but I've never heard of anybody so roasting them.

Don't look very appetising.

How's your kidneys?

What?

Oh, you've given me rather a lot.

Well, so I should hope. What did your other mummy give you for breakfast?

Two sliced frosties?

Half a grapefruit, wholemeal toast and black coffee.

And you went to work on that?

Oh, I did a terrible thing when I gave you to that woman.

If you hadn't given me to that woman, I'd be 20 stone by now.

All the more to cuddle. Oh, get off.

I'll have half a piece.

He gets too close to his work.

Oh, never mind, love. You had your towel on.

Or did you not have your towel on?

Well, don't you stand there. Call yourself a man. Go out and knock him off

ladder.

Do you want me to?

What? Knock him off his ladder. Who?

The window cleaner.

What window cleaner?

It wasn't the window cleaner.

Just like you to jump to conclusions.

But it must have been somebody.

painting our outsides, are they?

Nine pounds.

Oh, that can't include the price of the paint.

In a month.

Well, you're the doctor.

What's she talking about?

If you'll shut up for a minute, I'll try and find out. Oh, that's me in me place

again. Oh, come along, love.

Try and tell us what's the matter.

It might be better if you left the room.

It might be better if you left the country.

at the very least.

I wouldn't have minded that.

She's hysterical. I hope.

Well, she doesn't look it. Of course I don't look it. All I look is fat.

Robert, take your clothes off. What?

And get on those scales.

Why? Never mind why.

Humour. Get your hands off.

What do you want me on the scales for? Oh, cheer me up. I'll feel better if

you're fat too.

I'll get on the scales, but there isn't an ounce of fat on me.

I get the blame for everything.

What have I done now?

You've been giving me food.

Oh, silly me.

What, should I give me a blotting paper?

I don't know how many calories there are in blotting paper.

Oh!

Well, if that's the window cleaner, he's changed his inclination.

Oh, not another.

You look like the best old kids.

I'm enormous.

Oh. His daddy wasn't small.

any trouble with me figure.

I eat what I like, when I like.

And look at you. I'm on me feet all day, you see. I burn it off as soon as you

want.

If we've put on weight, what have you put on?

Clean drawers this morning.

I'll roll up you in a minute.

I'm doing a commercial on Tuesday, losing weight the easy way. I'll have to

the before instead of the after.

How much do you weigh, Ida?

I'd rather tell you me age.

Fine. That's relevant to your weight. How old are you? I'd rather die.

Good. Because that's exactly what you will do.

Did you hear the sorrow in his voice?

Shall I say goodbye now?

Oh, and when you're looking for me will, and it goes to you, not him, it's on me

bedside table under a box of chocolates.

Aha! All this for your nine pounds.

Well, you are overweight, Ida. I love you, but you are overweight.

So I've been told.

Now, listen to me, both of you. I can get into clothes that I've had for ten

fifteen years.

Well, I've had this skirt for ten, and look at it. It fits me just as well as

the day I bought it.

Well, that zip's never been right. I've half a mind to tip it back.

Oh, that'll be the milkman. I want some cream for your porridge.

Ida? Yes, love? No sugar, right?

And Ida? Yes? No cream either, and no porridge.

But what am I going to tell the milkman?

Tell him it's nothing personal.

If I can't have porridge, what can I have?

Well, what did we used to have in the mornings before Ida came?

Oh, yes.

I hope that's not fattening.

I'm talking about half a grapefruit.

Oh, I can't go to work on half a grapefruit.

Now, look, do you want to lose this nine pounds, Angie, or do you want porridge

and make it up to ten?

Are you going on a diet too?

We all are. Even Ida?

Especially Ida.

You should have seen that milkman's face. He nearly dropped his gold top.

What do you want in your sandwiches, love?

Oh, um... No bread.

None? Well, what is she going to have? She's a working girl.

Oh, she can have a raw carrot.

Oh, lovely. I said a working girl, not a working rabbit.

Look how long is this nonsense going on?

Um, until we reach our target weight.

Target weight? Ooh, I'll give you target.

That was a shock, you know.

Where's me gin?

Confiscated.

Does that mean stolen?

That was my personal bottle. I'd only got down to the G in gin.

Do you know how many calories there are in a single gin? I know how much comfort

there is.

Fifty -five.

So, Robert made up a chart. It shows us exactly how many calories we're allowed.

And you're allowed a thousand.

of them now. Where's my gin?

Go on, Angie. Give it to her.

I want a gin, not the crown jewels.

Don't think that's going to stop me. All I need is a hairpin.

Well, I want a tonic, won't I?

Can't you?

Oh, please, Mr. Bondle.

I don't mind. It's your body.

And that's another 32, which makes...

87. How many, um, what are they?

Calories. How many are there in a packet of peanut?

Large or small?

Oh, about that size.

A packet, Ida. Large or small? Oh, a couple of ounces.

Peanut.

442. Mark me down.

I sinned on the double -decker bus.

Right, that's 87 plus 442 equals... Oh,

Save your batteries.

529. I'm good at hard sums.

Do you realise you're over halfway?

To what?

Your 1 ,000 calories.

Watch his face change colour.

I had a chock ice in the high school.

Angie, chock ice? Oh, yes, please.

You know what I mean.

Hmm.

130.

Sorry, Ida. You've got 340 calories left.

That's all right, then. Until tomorrow morning.

But I haven't had my supper yet.

Neither have you. I'll go and switch the stove. Stay where you are.

I've done the supper.

You have?

I hope I haven't run out of my cup.

Do you want it or not?

I do. I've only had a stick of celery all day.

Well, go on. Go and get it before she wastes away.

Right.

Oh, he's so trusting.

Well, I don't care.

Got another bottle in me room.

You haven't. You haven't got that box of chocolates either.

What? He's very determined. We're all going on a diet.

Till when?

Till we're thin.

That's a week for you.

It's the rest of me life. Who laid this table?

Robert did. He's much more capable than you think.

Is he?

Nice to be waited on for a change.

Oh, I ate paper now, kid.

Here we are.

And very nice it looks.

I don't know why women make all that fuss about cooking.

Cooking? Cooking?

Well, I suppose you did boil the egg.

No, I did not.

You must both be exhausted.

Now then.

Just a minute.

Oh, is there a slug on me lesson?

One gin and tonic, one choc ice, and a packet of peanuts.

Oh, let's let it all hang out.

The lady in the fish shop gave me a licorice also.

That's all right.

But I didn't eat it. I gave it to a little boy.

Fair enough.

I wish there had been a slug on me lettuce.

I need the nourishment.

Can't you have a bit of my cheese?

No. We've got to be cruel to be kind.

As the hangman said to Crippen, there's grated carrots for after. Oh, I think

I'll be too full.

Good heavens!

Cod and chips twice.

And I got crisp bread once.

Well, are you still on that dieting, Mark?

Well, doesn't it show?

No.

I'm worried since you've passed the age where it comes off easy.

Well, aren't you going to ask me in?

With those in your hand, I've put on a couple of ounces just sniffing at them.

Oh, please, Ida.

They don't let you eat them in the Duke of Wellington. They say it lowers the

tone. If you lowered the tone of that place, one inch you'd be drinking

underground.

Oh, come in then, but sit downwind of me.

Do you want a plate?

What for?

You don't want a plate.

Come on, you can lower the tone of the lounge.

It's a bit soggy.

a batter, though.

Do you want a taste?

Oh, does a dying man want water?

Don't tempt me.

Ida, you're dribbling.

Well, of course I'm dribbling.

I'm starving, aren't I?

Well, have one.

No.

Oh, Maureen won't let me die. She said it makes me bad -tempered.

Well, I don't know why.

I mean, just because you're hungry, it doesn't mean to say that you're...

of times, and if he's on this slimming laugh... Oh, you needn't worry about

He's loving it. Proper little ray of sunshine, I could eat him.

Oh, hello, Wilfred. How nice to see you.

See what I mean?

When has he ever smiled at you like that?

When he was a little babby.

He used to pet his rust into me hand.

Hello, Shane.

He doesn't like to be called Shane.

Oh, I don't mind.

Have you offered Wilfred a drink?

No. Why not?

I haven't got the key to the cupboard.

Well, if that's all, let's stop in here.

What's that?

Credit card.

I don't know whose.

Lord somebody's.

There we are.

Piece of cake.

I'm shocked.

I'm not surprised, but I'm...

Yours is a gin and tonic, right, Wilfred? Large.

And mine?

You can have an inch of tonic, Ida. Oh, and I'm so grateful.

There you go, Wilfred. Oh, cheers all.

One appetite.

Oh, I've got a decision to make.

What? Shall I drink it or bathe me eyes?

I'll tell you what, Wilfred. You might as well take the bottle home with you.

Well, I've got a big family.

Oh, you might as well take the scotch home as well.

Oh, not very much.

It's beginning to feel like my birthday.

It's not beginning to feel like mine.

Now I can do something about that.

Can I have a slice of bread? Oh, thank you.

It's better than bread.

It couldn't be a slice of cake, could it?

You're dribbling again.

For me, it's not food.

Thank him anyway.

What about it?

Well, it's my birthday if you want to write it down.

I haven't any idea what it... Yes, I have.

It's new curtains for me bedroom and it's day things I can play.

Pillar belt's red.

Do I pull them or post them?

Oh, well, it makes a change, I suppose. I'll just try them up against the

window. Hey, how did you know the measurement?

Oh. I've just got the biggest.

Oh, well, I can always take them up, can't I?

Oh, you're a good boy to your mother.

Quick, Max is out of the room. Grab a chip.

Oh, no, thanks. I've had an apple.

For your dinner?

That's all I need.

People eat far too much. Yeah.

I'm sure you're right.

You know, I should have got some mushy peas with these.

But I'm having them tonight for me supper.

Do all your meals come from the chip shop? No.

I days and holidays we cook Chinese.

Doesn't Maureen ever cook?

No, she's intellectual.

Oh. When you say intellectual... Just her own library ticket.

Wow.

I thought that'd shake you.

We're a very brainy family, you know. You and me's not the only ones.

Do you know, you had an uncle who used to play the tuba?

No.

I play the piano.

With both hands?

And both feet.

I use the pedals.

It's not a tuba.

No, I suppose not.

I hadn't thought of it like that.

I'm trying to think of his name.

Ida? What was my uncle's name that used to...

Ask him.

So, you got the biggest, did you?

No, I don't. It was very expensive.

Then you've been robbed.

It's coming apart at the seams.

That's because you're... Too fat.

Oh, I am, am I? Right.

There, what do you think about that?

Hey, that's my dinner.

Well? That's all right. You can have them all.

Eat them.

You can jog it all off in the morning. I can, can't I?

I don't want it all off in the morning.

Jog. Jog?

Then I'll need to keep my strength up.

A rotten liar, but I love it.

Where are we jogging to?

Let's go round the park.

We could, but I think we ought to take it easy the first morning.

When you say the first morning, how many mornings are there going to be?

As many as it takes.

Now, listen, and this is very important.

The moment you feel any strain, I want you to let yourself go, sit down on the

ground...

To think about lunch.

Crisp bread, cheese and celery.

Nothing to think about. You misunderstand me, love. That's what I

I think about.

It isn't easy, is it? But it's worth it, though.

I suppose so. You know, I'm beginning to quite like crisp bread.

If only I could have something on it.

Like what?

Two pork chops, I suppose.

I'm on a diet.

Leave out the crisp bread.

Ida, we can't give in now. We promised Robert.

Him. Ah, now, be fair.

It's just as hard for him, you know. I think he's been very good about it. He

hasn't complained once.

Well, nor have I.

You've never stopped.

There's a difference between complaining and airing your grievances.

And I'm airing me grievances while I soak me feet.

I'll never walk again, you know.

Oh.

And I was going to take you out to a pub.

Where have I put my shoes?

There's a lady over there eating shepherd's pie.

With beans.

And chips.

Does she look as though she's going to leave any?

Oh, they do as slim as lunch. They do.

They do? It's... Oh, no.

Crispbread, cheese and celery.

Crispbread, cheese and celery.

Show me.

£1 .20.

Atmosphere.

I'm Peg.

No, you're not. We'll take it out of the housekeeping.

Gee.

Don't look now.

That man over there's making funny noises.

Oh, that's his bleeper.

His what?

His bleeper in case he's wanted at the hospital.

Is he a doctor?

They nearly all are. It's the hospital pub.

No, you can't, love. That was my tummy rumbling.

I'll go and get our lunches.

Right, who's next?

I am.

What do you want, love? It's not what I want. It's what I've got to have.

Two slimmers' lunches.

Two slimmers' more?

Oh, coming up. And here's your special. Right.

Now, where's he gone?

Oh.

Gentleman ordered this.

Oh, there he is. One special.

Won't be long with your slimmers, love.

I'm trying to... I was just looking.