Original subtitles

That's my boy.

It's the co -op milkman.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for my pyjamas.

Well, it's time to get up. Your trousers are over there.

Right. And I've got to get over there, haven't I? I'll close my eyes if you

like. She won't.

Whose idea was this tea in the morning, anyway?

Yours. Stop smiling.

Come in.

That's what I like to see. Happy smiling faces.

Rich, gathered...

And a P .O. else from the G .P .O. Oh, John.

There's a picture postcard for you, love.

I didn't know you had an auntie in Corfu.

She's only there for two weeks. She's only there for one week.

She didn't like the look of the water.

Or was it waiter?

Let's have another look.

Excuse me.

Why, what have you done?

Have you been reading my wife's private postcard?

No, I have not.

Then how do you know what it says?

It fell on the mat right inside off.

You want this tea, don't you? I'll have it when I'm good and ready.

Suit yourself.

Here you are, love. Thanks.

You do know it's quarter to nine, Doctor, dear?

What? Oh, why the hell didn't you call me at eight?

I think I'll have this.

Now then, where are you going?

Well, if it's really a quarter to nine... I wouldn't be sitting here,

It's quarter to eight.

Then why did you say?

It's a private word.

Oh, isn't that a pretty bottle?

Fantastic. It's called how?

Is it?

Mmm, two squirts of that and you'll find out.

More? What, with the window cleaner coming at eleven?

He's frisky enough on a bar of life, boy.

Is he dishy? Well, he thinks he is.

Now, why did I say it?

Oh.

I'm not still here.

Aren't I?

I wonder where I am.

Look, I want to get dressed.

Well, nobody's stopping you.

I don't want an audience.

He's afraid they won't clap.

Oh, God.

You're a bit hard on him. Well, it's her mother's right.

Oh, that reminds me. What are we doing about his birthday?

I haven't really thought about it. Well, you'd better start thinking about it.

It's tomorrow, you know.

No, it's not.

It's not till November.

I don't want to fall out over this, love, but I do know when he was born.

It just so happens I was there.

Very much wishing I was somewhere else.

Did you have a difficult time?

With no doctor and a Chinese midwife, what do you think?

Here, what's all this about November? He was born in June.

I know, but that's not his birthday.

Isn't it?

No. His birthday's in November when Mrs. Price adopted him.

The nerve of that woman.

Well, he'll just have to have two birthdays then. One on the day she got

one on the day I had him.

I tell you what, we could give him a third.

A third?

The day I started him.

When I went behind the bank stand with his daddy.

When was that?

Well, they'd just started to play the national anthem.

They stood up as we lay down.

But I wouldn't let him start until that finished.

What time did you say it was? Quarter to eight.

No, you didn't. You said it was a quarter to nine.

Well, if you knew, why ask?

I'll talk to you later about it.

What?

Your three birthdays.

What are you looking for? The mouthwash.

Here you are.

Good.

Because I think we ought to take Ida out to supper tomorrow night.

And now look what you've made me do.

We could go to Dino's. She'd like that.

Yes, but I wouldn't. But it's your birthday.

It's not my birthday.

And anyway, isn't it tomorrow we're supposed to be taking my other mother to

Dino's? Oh, I've forgotten that.

Yes, well, she won't have. Oh, and I'm on call.

Won't Bill cover for you?

It's worth a try.

Tell him it's one of your birthdays.

You do realise that if I have three birthdays a year, I'm already 84.

And you've still got your own teeth.

I don't believe it.

It's not out of order again, is it? Oh, no. It's working perfectly.

I know that because that bloody woman's talking 19 to the dozen.

God knows what our phone bill's going to be. She's probably ringing Australia.

ringing the butcher who lives two streets away.

Bloody well, walk round there.

Get off the line. I want to make a call.

That was very rude.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Please get off the line. I want to make a call.

I think you're a pig.

No, you don't. You think I'm sensational.

You said so last night.

That was in the dark.

I told the butcher you were the operator.

Why? Because I didn't want him thinking any son of mine could be so rude.

He doesn't know I'm your son, does he?

Oh, it's all right, dear. I'm not hurt.

He will if you speak to me like that again.

Oh, don't your eyes look nice.

Oh, do you like them?

They're done, aren't they, yours?

Oh, don't be silly, dear. It's a waste of make -up. I've only got the window

cleaner coming. Where do you want me head?

Bill, Robert, I wonder if you could do me a favour.

You know, the thing about my skin is... Would you be quiet, please?

Perhaps you'd like me to leave the room.

I would. I'm not going to.

The thing is, I'm on call, and I wondered if you could do it for me.

Oh, yes. Very exciting.

I'm taking my mother out to supper.

Oh, come back, all I said.

I'll have to get me hair done.

I don't think... Mummy's little shame.

OK, thank you. Bye.

She rumpled my hair.

Well, of course she did.

She just heard you say you were taking her to supper.

But I didn't. I said I was taking my mother to... Oh, hell.

I'm

dazed when I

wish I was a plumber.

You'd think having tonsilled up would stop children screaming, wouldn't you?

They used to give them ice cream.

They still do.

Oh, by the way.

You've got a rival.

Have I?

What's she like?

Oh, uh, dishy, blonde, blue -eyed.

What's her name?

Luthie. She's madly in love with me. How do you know?

She wrote me a note. Would you like to see it? I think I'd better.

All right.

Dear Dr.

Sneezy. That's what she calls me.

I love you more than Kermit.

Kiss, kiss, kiss.

How old is she?

Four. Are you jealous?

might be in 20 years' time.

Here, where did those flowers come from?

Now you're jealous.

No, I'm not. Where did they come from? Ida gave them to me. Oh, what for?

Because she's happy.

She's not, is she?

What's wrong with that?

I don't like it when she's happy. She calls me Shane and rumples my hair.

Why is she happy?

Because we're taking her to supper tomorrow night.

But we're not.

Oh, Robert, we'll have to.

She heard you on the telephone. You can't tell her you didn't mean her.

Oh. Can't I?

No, I can.

Come in if you're good looking.

Oh, it's you. Well, come in anyway.

Put your arms up.

Come on.

Oh,

haven't you got long arms? I'll have to get another two ounces.

I came in because... Do you want crew, polo or V?

What?

Do you want that, that or that?

Are you knitting that for me?

Well, of course I am. Didn't your other mother knit for you?

No.

Never? She embroidered a tablecloth one.

I hope so, did you?

A son of mine in lazy daisy.

Oh, I wish I'd known then what I know now.

She didn't deserve to have you.

Well, you didn't want me.

Oh, I've told you before, love, I couldn't keep you. The world was very

different then, you know. There were no such things as one -parent families,

just girls who'd gone to the bad.

Anyway, we've found each other again, haven't we?

And it's your birthday tomorrow?

Ah, yes, about that. Oh, sit down, do.

I'd rather stand. Well, I'd rather you sat. You're giving me a crick in the

neck.

You know, if you give me that tie, I can shift those things.

About tomorrow night.

Whatever is it?

Ice cream and blood.

You could have said raspberry ripple.

Right. Now, what about tomorrow night, as if I didn't know?

Well, the thing is, you know.

Well, of course I do. I'm not insensitive.

It's not that we don't want you. Oh, bless the boy, of course it isn't. If

didn't want me, you wouldn't be taking me, would you?

No.

I know what's worrying you.

You're wondering what I'm going to look like.

I'll show you.

Close your eyes.

and tell me what you think.

You do like it, don't you?

Well... Oh, say you do. I've never spent so much money on a dress before.

It's very nice.

Really, very nice. Just as long as I'm not letting you down.

That's very important to a man, isn't it? Having a mother that he can be proud

of. Right.

Oh, mummy's little...

Oh, good morning, Mrs Price.

Good morning, Mrs Willis. I wish to see the doctor.

Are you feeling well?

Don't be tricky with me, Mrs Willis. Kindly tell my son I'm here. Your son,

mine for that matter, is still in bed. However, I know me manners, so please

come in and wait. This way.

I know the way. Thank you.

Clever clogs.

There's something different about this room.

Where's the hay, Wayne?

The what, Wayne?

The hay, Wayne. It should be on that wall. Oh, that old picture. Some great

with its stuffing hanging out.

That was Constable Hay, Wayne. Was it?

Tell him from me. If he won't sit back, it's on top of my wardrobe.

Really, Mrs Willis, it's time I indulged in a little plain speaking.

Why not?

You've got the face for it.

Are we going to get any tea this morning?

Good morning, Mother. Good morning, dear.

You're a little early, aren't you? I wanted to catch you before you left. I

a word with you.

A private word.

I'm sure you have things to do.

I'm glad you reminded me. I've got to arrange these flowers.

About tonight.

What? What about tonight?

Angela and Robert are taking me to supper.

There. No, they are.

They're not? Why not? Because they're taking me.

Impossible. Which of us are you taking to supper, Robert?

Both. I thought as much. Both?

He wants to take us both.

Well, he can't, can he?

No, he can't. Rubbish. What did he say?

Rubbish. I thought as much.

That was very, very rude.

Oh, I'm very, very sorry.

Why not confiscate my train set?

If he doesn't, I will.

Oh, I don't know why we had him.

Come with me, dear. We'll have a nice cup of tea.

Do you know I think I will?

I think I must.

And as for you, it's time you learned how to treat your mothers.

After all, you only have the two.

Let's cancel tonight. It's going to be a disaster.

It might be all right.

Only if one of them drops down dead.

Which one?

I don't mind.

I... Honestly, don't mind.

Just to have one mother again like other people.

Well, I've done the best I can with myself.

Wow!

What are you staring at?

You look nice.

Nice?

I suppose that's the best I can hope for.

Here. I'll give you this now before she gets here. What is it?

Just a little something for your birthday.

Oh, yes.

I keep forgetting that.

It's pretty paper.

30p a sheet.

Try not to rip it, then we can use it again.

What is it?

It's a pen.

Oh, is it gold?

It had better be. It didn't cost four.

I hope you like it.

He loves it, don't you, Robert?

It's great.

Then say thank you. Oh, he doesn't have to say thank you to me.

Give her a kiss.

Must I?

He kissed me, or was it you?

He did.

After 28 years.

£2 .50 for run -proof mascara.

That goes back tomorrow.

Excuse me.

I've seen these. They cost a fortune.

So, what does that tell you?

We pay her too much.

I don't know why I married you.

Come here and I'll remind you.

That must be my other mother. I'll go.

It would be easier, Robert, if you let me have a key.

Angela, dear.

Oh, I'm early.

Are you?

My dear girl, you're not dressed.

Yes, I am.

You don't mean you're going out in that?

What's wrong with it?

Oh, nothing, dear.

Oh, take no notice of me. I'm just an old funny duddy.

You will wear a top coat, won't you, dear?

You think she looks amazing?

So do I, dear.

Amazing.

Take my coat.

What?

Look, Robert, your mother's wearing a new dress.

Oh, yes, it's very...

staring at?

Well, I thought I heard your voice. All right.

Do I look like nothing, ma 'am?

One of us will have to change.

You're quite right.

We'll wait for you.

Look, there's no need for either of you to change. You both look very...

like a pair of bookends.

I think we ought to get going. The table's booked for eight. Well, I'm as

as I'll ever be.

I shall put my coat on, Robert, and keep it on.

Nobody move.

Nobody goes down.

Hello?

Who?

You've obviously missed out.

There's no Dr Sneezy here.

Oh, yes, there is.

Hello, who's that?

Oh, hi, Bill.

What's the problem?

I was a bit afraid of that.

Look,

I'll tell you what.

Tell her that Kermit's not very well either, and I've had to go and make him

better.

Yes, all right, I'll hold on.

It's that little girl I was telling you about, Susie.

She's crying for me.

Oh, bless her little heart. How old is she?

Only four.

Will you have to go to her, Robert? Well, of course he will, poor little

I've got some sweeties somewhere.

I've never heard such a name.

It's a boy's night off. Let the child cry. It won't do her any harm.

It won't do her much good. I used to let him cry.

Hold me back before I eat her.

You what?

I wasn't going to start running up and down stairs every time he opened his

mouth. Pity.

If you had, that dress might have fitted you better.

Shut up, both of you.

Yes, Bill. Look, I've been thinking.

I'll come on over.

Oh, no.

No, I don't mind.

No. You won't be spoiling my evening at all.

See you in about five minutes.

Sorry about that. Just can't get out of it. Well, of course you can't. What

about our supper party?

Self, self, self.

The boy is on an errand of mercy, Mrs. Price.

Which won't take him all night, will it, Robert?

We'll go on to the restaurant. He can join us as soon as he can.

One hour, Robert, or a quickie divorce.

Think where that boy's got to. Well, we know where he's got to, don't we? He's

got to the hospital. He went to the hospital two and a half hours ago.

More wine, anyone?

Oh, not for me, love.

Angela, dear, tell me, is that nice Elphinstone girl still at the hospital?

She's a physio.

And an Elphinstone, for I'll say.

Robert hasn't mentioned her for ages.

Really? I wonder why.

They used to be such friends.

Her mother and I always thought that... Oh, well.

Waiter, can we have another bottle of wine, please?

You'll help me out with it, won't you, Ida? I'll help you with anything, Doc.

Oi, when you bring that bottle, bring a wooden spoon.

A wooden spoon? What for?

For you, champion stirrer.

You, Robert, and my Shane have done very well for himself.

Oh, well, I know what I mean.

He's got a wonderful wife.

And if our son's half the man his daddy was, one of these days she'll be a

wonderful mother.

I thought you didn't like babies.

I'll stretch a point for yours.

I've had enough of this. Well, don't eat it, then.

Angela, tell Robert I'll speak to him tomorrow.

You can speak to him now. He's just come through the door.

Sorry, everyone.

Sorry. Oh, don't be. She's given us a wonderful time, hasn't she?

Very pleasant.

We've just been saying you've got a wonderful wife, haven't we?

Oh, no, thanks. I've just been force -fed three packets of Smarties.

I'll just have a go.

Oh, they can move when they want to.

I thought that... I've got some money, darling.

I may need it.

It's all right, it's all right. I'm just glad you had a lovely time. Can we see

that? I'll just give them a cheque. I think we'll just give the bill a cheque.

I'd rather just pay.

Right, let's begin at the beginning.

Oh, I'll start it.

None of us.

That's what I thought.

Excuse me.

Please, please, nothing.

I've saved you £8 .50. Now, what's this?

Your phone.

I like that nail varnish.

Thank you.

One moment.

Is anything wrong, sir? I don't know. Ask them.

I always keep this for the supermarket. It's amazing how often their bills are

wrong. And always in their favour.

naked. £37 .50.

£57 .50.

There you are. We've saved you £20 between us. What do you think of that?

I'll show you.

£65, right? There we are. Keep the change.

What did you do that for?

I'll tell you.

I'm not your mother's boy, and I'm not your mother's boy.

I've had 28 years of you and 28 days of you, and I've picked the death of both

of you.

Come on, Angie, we're going home. What about your mothers?

Oh, yes.

Anybody here want a mother?

There's two here going there.

Everybody's looking at me. And we both look very nice.

Smile.

Is this an unwanted now?

for yours.

Too much.

I'm sorry about that.

I shouldn't have lost my temper.

The car's waiting outside when you're ready.

Mrs. Price, dear, there's something on my mind.

Oh, that picture I took down off the wall. The haywade. I gave it to

them, you know.

Are you coming or not?

I was afraid of that.

First thing tomorrow morning, it goes back up.

But you don't care for it. But you do, and that's what counts.

Cheers.