Original subtitles

That's a boy.

Oh, it's not one knot.

Whoever you are, there's a bell and a knocker. There's no need to... through

keyhole.

Oh, it's you.

Let me in, Ida.

Are you on the run?

No, I've come to see you.

Oh, isn't that nice? Well, you've seen me, haven't you?

You are on the run.

I'm not. I swear I'm not. Then what are you whispering for?

I don't want to wake the baby.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you, but I don't have a baby.

But I have one. Where?

Here.

How did you come by that name?

It's not Royal, is it?

No, it's our Maureen's.

Which one's Maureen? Is she the one with the purple hair?

No, that's Doreen.

Maureen's a friend of the earth.

The baby's mud colours.

Don't say that. It's a nice little baby.

Aren't you, babe?

Babe?

It's a colour of cocoa and a name like that.

Where was your fairy godmother?

Never mind a cutchy cutchy. I don't like babies, Wilfred. You know that. What

have you brought it here for?

Well, I brought it to see its great auntie.

Now, you can take your toes.

I'd... Oh, I know that voice. And the answer's no, I won't look after it. Oh,

just for a few minutes.

Like, till it starts cold.

No.

Oh, I've got to go down to the job centre.

They've never opened a bar.

No, I've got an interview for a job.

Send the baby. It's as likely to get the job as you are.

I'll be back in an hour.

You'll be back in half an hour.

Oh.

By being back in half an hour. Go on, on your bike.

Oh, what now?

Well, I'd be much quicker if I went by bus, wouldn't I?

That lightning brain.

Of course you would.

The only thing is, I haven't got the fare.

Oh, haven't you?

No. Then walk.

Oh,

you're pushing your luck.

Not so much as a gummy smile.

That had better be your grandad.

Where have you been? And before you start, I don't believe you. I beg your

pardon? Oh, sorry, I thought it was my brother.

Do I sound like a man?

Well, you don't sound like my brother.

I'm relieved to hear it. I have met your brother.

Oh, well, he's not as bad as he's painted, you know. He's a bit of a rough

diamond, I'll admit that. Mrs Willis, I did not ring up to discuss your brother.

I was just making conversation.

And don't, Mrs Willis. Remember this. Blessed are the brief, for they shall

receive lower phone bills.

Is that in the Bible?

You learn something new every day.

I rang up to make certain you're in.

Oh, pity I answered.

I was thinking of your phone, Bill.

Do you propose to be in for another half hour?

Why? I have a little something for my son.

Would the something be a cake?

Yes. I thought it might.

It's a cake, so you're bringing it to the doctor.

I'm sorry, it's just my little joke.

But you know, he hasn't finished the Battenberg yet, which is really rather

funny because...

My chocolate gato went like hot cakes.

Oh, another little joke. I will do it.

Kindly expect me in half an hour with seed cake. Goodbye.

Oh, no, no, don't go, Mrs Price. You see, it's not very convenient today.

Oh.

I've got six of her cakes in there. I could build another Berlin Wall.

Oh,

I wanted you gone before she came back.

We're in here.

Oh, have we got visitors? Just the one, but there's worth to follow.

Who are you?

Well, go on, tell her.

It's our Wilfred's eldest youngest.

Ah!

Your great -nephew? Or niece, I haven't had to change its nappy yet.

Well, what's its name? That should give us a clue, shouldn't it? I agree with

you, it should, but it doesn't.

Meet Space.

Wait till it gets married.

I pay to the empty.

It's typical of our Wilfred's eldest.

She's already got twins.

What are they called?

Inter and Galactica.

She'll come down to earth one day, that.

What's Bate doing here, Ida? He's waiting for his granddaddy, aren't you,

who swore he'd be back by three.

Well, Robert will be here in a minute. He's only putting the car away.

And his other mother will be here in a minute as well, with a seed cake.

Robert hates seed cake.

Tell her.

Does it do that a lot?

They all do that a lot, though.

You're right not to want one.

How do you stop it? Don't ask me.

I followed my maternal instincts long ago and won.

Perhaps one of us should pick it up. Well, you can try if you like.

What's that?

What does he look like?

It's a baby.

Oh, the brains of the boss.

Varicella. No, darling, Space.

What do you mean, Space?

That's his name, Space.

Oh, well, better than Shane.

I've got news for you, Space. You've got Varicella. Oh, poor little thing.

I had that one.

Very likely you did. Most people have had it at one time or another. I didn't

enjoy it.

Well, you're not supposed to. I left half of it.

You left half of it. This chap's covered in spots, you know.

Well, of course it's covered in spots. It's got varicella. There's no need to

aggressive, Robert. I thought that, but I didn't like to say it.

I didn't have spots.

I was sick, but I didn't have spots.

Then you didn't have varicella.

You've got to be right, haven't you? I did have varicella. I remember to

thinkly. It was £4 .50 with a green salad.

£4 .50. That's daylight robbery. I could cook it properly for under a pound.

Varicella. Announce. How much does a lattice cost?

Oh, I'm very sorry. You're very sorry, aren't you?

No, I'm not.

Oh, do be. It'll save hours.

We're both very sorry. Do go on with what you were saying.

I was saying... Before you were so rudely interrupted.

How would you like to pack your things and go?

You were saying no such thing, and I wouldn't.

It's trying to scratch his little face.

Well, it mustn't. Oh, no. Nobody's allowed to do anything in this house.

Scratch. Because it's got varicella.

Chicken pox to you.

Huh?

Can you take it, please? Sure.

There's a good boy. How does he know it's a boy?

He's a doctor, love. He's paid to know.

Whose is he?

He's our Wilfred's eldest's youngest.

And I'm ever so sorry he's here.

Oh, there's no need to be. You couldn't turn a thick child away.

I couldn't, could I?

I would have if I'd known.

Let's have a proper look at him. Has he been a bit grisly?

He's been screaming his head off.

Oh, well, you can't blame him for that. He's not well. Can someone take it out

of the room, please?

Angie, I said he's not well. I know, and I'm sorry.

I'll buy him a fluffy toy if you like, but I don't want chicken pox.

Not even with a green salad?

Robert, that's not funny.

Let's talk about panic.

The incubation period is 12 to 21 days.

And there are very few recorded cases of anyone catching it twice.

I haven't had it once.

That'll either be me brother or your other mother. You sort it out. Come with

me, love. I'll make you a death all back.

Women.

Oh, you're here.

I do live here. I promised our Ida I'd be gone by the time he got home.

Where is our Ida? She's running a dental bar.

She's never got nicked.

Hello, Doctor.

Hello, Mrs... Lady... Come inside.

Oh, that word.

Oh, that's not the first baby you've ever handled.

It's about the 12th today.

I'm doing paediatrics.

Not with my grandson, you're not.

I'm a children's doctor.

That's better.

Come on, give us a little smile.

I want to ask you a few questions. I'm allowed one phone call.

I'm not accusing you of anything. Yet.

Follow me.

Very nice.

On second thoughts, I'll follow you.

Oh, no.

I said chicken pox, not rabies. Paula came.

Take him home.

and tell his mother to put him straight to bed and send for a doctor in the

morning. Can we send for you?

I'm not your GP.

Well, you don't have to be, do you? You're family.

Oh, no, I'm not. You can't deny it, lad.

You're our Maureen's first cousin. I used to bath you together in the kitchen

sink.

I'm surprised you don't remember our Maureen. Oh, you're back at last.

Oh, hello, Ida. I brought you a peace offering.

You stole those? Did I, Ag?

I left... 10p in the ladies' window box.

Where did you get 10p?

Oh, you've got no faith in me, have you?

No. Did you get the job?

Of course I did.

I love the of course I did.

You're a bit hard on him, Ida, isn't she?

Oh, I am, Emma.

When do you start this job?

Oh, I didn't take it.

You see?

Just a minute.

You're out of work? Yes, Your Honour. Oh, get out of the dock.

Well, it's the habit of a lifetime.

I'm out of work, yes, sir. But you've been offered a job.

Yes, I have, sir.

But you didn't take it.

I couldn't, could I?

Why not?

Well, being a lifelong supporter of the welfare state, it would have been

against my principles.

Excuse me. Come on, space.

We must get you home. Spots are no spots.

So why does he go for interviews?

Because they give him his bus fare.

And he walks.

Your family? And yours.

There was a bloke in the scrubs look like this. What did he have?

Ten years for GBH.

Oh,

this child's burning hot, you know. Is it?

Oh, let's have a look.

Oh, now, who's that?

Your other mummy.

Oh, bloody hell.

In front of the child.

This kind of remark is wasted on me, Mrs Willis. I'm happy to say I have no

sense of humour.

And yet you're wearing that hat.

Oh, hello, Mother. I didn't know you were here.

It's a lovely surprise for you, isn't it? Give me a kiss.

Sorry. You smell very exotic.

The latest from Paris?

No, the latest from Booth, actually.

Dettol.

Go and put some clothes on, love. We don't want you poorly as well.

Poorly? Who's poorly? Not Robert. Not my boy.

My boy?

All right, I'll stretch a point. Our boy is fine.

He's about to lose his appetite, but apart from that, he's fine.

So why don't you just run along home and bake him another cake?

Because I have neither the time nor the flour.

Somebody here is poorly. What is it, where is it, who is it? Oh, she's like a

machine gun.

A, it's chicken pox. B, it's in the lounge.

C, I'm talking to me, sir.

It's you.

No, it's not. I have three witnesses to swear to it.

Put that cigarette down.

Yes, sir.

Well, open your shirt.

What for?

I want to see what you've got.

Well,

that's very nice of you.

Well, I'm game if you are.

Mind you, we'll have to get a move on because if our Ida comes in and finds me

with all these things...

Shall I go out and come in?

Oh, cover yourself up.

It wasn't my idea.

Oh, no, whose was it then? It was hers.

She said she wanted to see what it got.

Is that true?

I wanted to look at his varicella.

I didn't let her, Ida.

I never knew I had one.

Chickenpox, man.

You told me distinctly somebody here had chickenpox.

Who is it?

Hello, Mother.

Auntie told me you were here.

What in heaven's name have you got there?

Space. Space for what?

It's a baby mother. His name is Space.

Space? His mummy insisted.

I suggested Lauderdale.

Lauderdale? I once won a lot of money on a horse called Lauderdale.

Count your blessings. You could have been Red Room.

He's a nice little chap.

You can't help having chicken pox, can you?

Would you like to hold him?

No, I would not.

Oh, give him to me.

Come on, love.

There we are.

Isn't it funny how they know who loves them?

Ten minutes ago, you said... Oh, I said it was time for a cup of tea, and it is.

Wilfred, pour the kettle on. Yes, Your Honour.

Oh, it's a port of avis.

Who exactly is this child?

Wilfred Eldith Youngest. Well done.

You know, you used to look exactly like this.

Show me.

Don't bring him too near, but show me.

There's no resemblance whatsoever.

I have had chicken pox, haven't I? Oh, yes. I remember quite distinctly. I had

to burn your teddy bear.

Your what?

It was smothered in germs.

Oh, he did make a fuss.

Well, don't blame him.

I'll buy you a new one tomorrow.

You're not going out this afternoon, are you? Well, of course I am, if you're

that keen.

Do you want a big brown one or a little yellow one?

The one I burnt was blue.

Worth it. Oh, that's what. I'll get him then.

I want some things from the chemist. I've made up a list.

Are these for you?

Disposable nappies and calamine lotion.

No, they're not for me. They're for Space.

Oh, what a nice thought.

But it's not necessary, love. His mummy will have all these things at home.

Oh, but he's not going home.

Ever?

Not until his temperature's come down.

Which could be days.

What a good thing you're so fond of babies.

All right, who wants to give Spacey's

bottle? I certainly don't. Then I certainly do.

Wouldn't you like to do it, Angie?

I'd like to, but I don't think I'd be very good at it. And he might breathe at

me. Oh, give him to me.

Come on, love. There we are.

Right, get this down here. Stop.

Put his little mouth open.

You haven't tested it.

Tested it?

Like this.

No, not like... Not like that.

Like this.

Fine.

Here we go again.

Mind you, don't get any air in that.

Do worry, love. I'm lacquered.

Air.

Bubbles. I can't do right today, can I? Make sure you tip the end up properly.

Honestly, if you fed me like that, it's a wonder I survived.

I didn't feed you like this. I fed you nature's way.

It's the best and the cheapest.

And it comes in prettier bottles.

Why don't we talk about something a little more pleasant?

Anyone for another slice of seed cake?

I don't call that more pleasant.

I'm slimming, actually.

Again? You were slimming when I brought the Battenberg.

Quite a coincidence.

Come on, wake up.

He doesn't want this, you know. I'll have some.

Do. No, a piece of cake.

Blended. Help yourself.

Stop.

I like it, which I can quite understand.

Why take it? Well, I mean, it's manners.

Hey. Now what?

There's a dead fly in this.

She's performing a post -mortem.

Ida. Sorry.

This is not a fly.

What is it? It's a random raisin.

Oh, well, I'm a bit fuddy about my food.

Anyway, I'd better be off.

time is it?

Four to half past.

It's not.

It is.

I have a bridge for a five.

Would you like me to see you home?

How kind, but I have my jalopy.

Oh, well, perhaps you'd like to see me home.

I hardly think we live in the same direction.

Angela, dear, would you like to come with me? What for?

A good night's sleep. I don't think you'll get one here.

I don't know why you say that.

He's a very good baby, aren't you, love?

He's sorry to see you go.

Robert? What?

This alarm clock's gone mad.

Good.

Good. It's not good.

It's woken me up at two in the morning.

Fine, fine.

Oh, what time did you say?

Two in the morning.

And you've got to be up at six looking lovely.

Then you'd better start now.

That's nice.

You, of course, look as sexy as ever.

Not now, darling. I've got to get up.

It's your own fault. You will drink coffee late at night.

I've got to go and feed Spade.

Again? You fed him a pen?

I know I did, but his mother likes him topped up at two.

And he's going to tell her if we don't, is he?

It's his routine.

You mustn't upset a baby's routine.

What about my routine?

Well, these are that, after I fed the baby.

Don't you dare.

And what happened then was the daddy vampire opened the lid of the big

oak. coffin and gazed lustfully at the beautiful maiden's new white neck.

Curling back his long upper leg.

Ida!

Well, you used to love it.

Did I?

Come on, love.

Soap up.

Pretend it's blood.

What else did I like when I was a baby?

Let me see.

You were very fond of your Uncle Wilfred's whippet.

Can we excuse him that last little bit?

Oh, yes. He's done very well.

I was going to do this feed.

Oh, that's all right. I was awake.

You know, I think you've been marvellous about all this. I know you don't like

babies. I didn't think I did.

It must have been just you I didn't like.

What was wrong with me?

Well, I don't want to pain you, dear, but, ooh, you were a little snob.

A snob? At five months?

At five days.

You could turn up your nose before you had a nose.

But this little chap, hey, oh, he's a little angel.

Look at him, smiling away at me, even though he's smothered in... Where have

they gone?

What?

He's lost his spot.

he had them when I picked him up.

Perhaps they're in the pram.

Let's have a look.

Oh, this is fascinating.

What is?

Do you know what this child's had?

Yeah, chicken pox and half a bottle of milk.

He's had an urticarial reaction.

He hasn't.

Oh, and I've been holding him so close. Do we notify the health?

He's had an allergy rash.

Oh!

Well, thank goodness that's all it was. It was.

But when you said it, I thought... Are you telling me that Wilfred could have

taken him home? Yes.

And that I needn't have stayed up? Well... And we needn't have a bucket

nappies in the bathroom?

Just promise me one thing.

What? If ever I get took with a mystery illness, call that proper doctor.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0