Original subtitles

You let them do that to you while you were awake.

What if you just freaked out and pulled away involuntarily? Do we have to keep

talking about Bob's genitals?

A vasectomy is just so extreme.

Aren't you supposed to, you know, a certain number of times before it takes

vasectomy? How the fuck do you know that? Lindy told me.

I think she's okay.

I don't know. How many times? I don't know.

How many?

Is it 100?

99? 98?

I'm not going to discuss this.

97? 96?

95? 20, all right, 20.

Satisfied now?

So, when does Ping arrive?

Next week, and then let the passion begin.

So Bob isn't allowed to speak with Ping until he's...

got rid of at least 20, let's say 25 to be on the safe side, and realistically

you'll want the weekend to recover, which leaves five days.

Unless you've made it to the arts.

I'm still a bit sore.

I ain't got nothing to bat as five at night.

Can we change the subject?

Where's the rule that says our wanking must be done at night? Not in school.

I'm just going to have to grasp my opportunities wherever I can.

Do you want to buy a lottery ticket? Do you want a lottery ticket?

Sorry.

Is she choking?

Lindsay, are you choking?

Oh, that's right. You have a fucking chat with her about it.

Quick, somebody help. Ewan.

Do the hymen remover. I can't get my hands around her.

I can't do it. Let me try. Yeah, because your arms are so much longer than mine.

Hold them out, then.

Ewan's are a bit longer. Oh, for fuck's sake.

Fucking hell.

That is fucking incredible.

So, today's the big day.

Have you started yet?

We should get going. You never fit them all in.

That might help.

We can't rush these things.

Need to wait till I'm in the mood.

As you all know, we're drawing to the close of Obesity Awareness Month.

So if you haven't already done so, please talk to your cute groups about

importance of watching your weight and eating well.

And can the PE department at least make it look like we're trying to get some of

those fat little things to run around a bit?

Sorry, when did you tell us it was Obesity Awareness Month?

Three weeks ago.

I don't think you did.

Of course I did. You didn't. Did.

Didn't. Did.

Didn't. Did. Didn't. Did.

So, we have just one more week to complete the sponsored slim that I

three weeks ago and lose more weight than any other school in the area.

What I need is volunteers.

Here. Thank you. I didn't volunteer.

No, but as you're the fattest person in the school, I think you should.

Everyone knows fat people lose weight quicker than normal people.

I'm very happy as I am, thank you.

Why?

Being fat is very bad for you.

Why?

Well, you wouldn't want a fat boyfriend or a fat girlfriend.

I mean, even if you're fat yourself, you wouldn't want to go out with someone

fat, would you, Wayne?

So why is it important for us to keep our weight down?

Overweight people put unnecessary strain on their heart, which can lead to high

blood pressure.

This, in turn, can lead to damage of the heart, kidneys, and brain.

Fuck.

They're also at risk of heart disease and diabetes.

Basically, if you're fat, you die.

I just think it would be a real shame if you died of fatness.

Especially now, when I've just started warming to you.

For fuck's sake, I'm perfectly healthy.

I doubt that. But even if you are, you could choke again.

Well, if you have a sound there whining about it, then you could try and do

something constructive.

Like learn the Heimlich manoeuvre.

I can't.

It's not my fault.

It is your fault. You're inflexible.

If you did yoga or something, you'd be able to dislocate one of your arms.

Oh, yeah.

Well done.

He's got a really short skirt on.

Can't force nature.

You're not trying.

Concentrate.

Is it too much to ask that you just shut up and let me smoke?

Cut up!

I can't help it. I'm just worried about

Lindsay.

And I read that worry leads to depression, and depression is a major

contributing factor to heart disease.

You're worried you're going to die of worry.

You feel so selfish.

Here's this opportunity to really do something about her weight.

Instead, she's just determined to kill me.

Exactly.

And there are...

a hand with that?

Although you probably don't need my help.

Don't.

You look very capable.

I bet you're really good in an emergency.

Say, if someone needed saving.

If they were choking, for instance.

Busy.

Excuse me.

I'm just going to get...

straight to the point i know this might sound a little weird but as part of my

new health and safety responsibilities i need you to help me simulate choking

incidents so i can monitor how you'd respond okay i'm gonna simulate the

and you two are gonna work as a team to show me how you'd save me

no you need to apply pressure all the way around

Crisis over.

What crisis? Well, it mustn't be as dangerously obese as some people have

to believe, because, and I'm directing this at Liz in particular, I have found

plenty of people who could save me were I to choke.

Who?

Dinner ladies.

Dinner ladies?

Yes, two, actually. There are two dinner ladies who can perform a very effective

high move on me.

Separately or together?

I don't know.

Together? What does it matter?

Since when did having two dinner ladies get their arms around you become the

ultimate test of physical condition?

Well, it's good enough for me.

Where have they gone?

Where?

Do you

have

fun while I was hard at work last night?

Yes, it was great. We spent all night talking about how apparently Lindsay

fat. Well, it's all relative, isn't it?

I mean, I'm fat compared to you, but you're fat compared to Karen Carpenter.

I'm not going to be this busy for long.

No, but for now you've got a lot on.

Fair enough. I'm okay about it.

You know, I've got an idea.

Oh, yeah?

What way in which I might be able to get through all this work and we might be

able to spend more time together?

Go on.

Well...

How about if you would talk to me with a little extra tuition?

That'd be romantic.

Good morning.

It's been brought to my attention that the sponsored slim is not being taken

entirely seriously.

I'm taking it seriously.

Miss Pierce, we have a reputation to uphold.

You have more pounds to lose than anyone else. I'm going to make sure you lose

them.

So I've put some measures in place to help you.

You've done what?

Liz has spoken to the kitchen staff, and they're under strict instruction to

issue you with a healthy, low -calorie diet.

Fine.

I've got the chip shop.

I've spoken to the happy haddock, and they're also under instruction not to

serve you.

I've also spoken to Donny's Kebabs, Pizzas for Go and every other fast food

emporium within waddling distance of this school.

I don't care who you've spoken to. You can't force me to lose weight. I think

you'll find I can.

I mean, there are fatter women than they do. I know.

Like you.

How far would you go?

I don't know.

Fern Britton? Why?

She seems nice.

Like she'd be a good listener.

We're talking about shagging.

Not winding on about your endless fucking problems.

What were we talking about?

Fat women.

Ah, well, I figured it can be very appealing.

Within reason.

Yeah, a bit of fat, okay.

No, it's fairly lighty.

You know, when this thing goes all lumpy, puckered and suity.

Can a woman have fairly light anywhere?

I mean, tits, for example.

Can you get tits fairly light?

Why not?

You should ask around.

And do men get fairly light?

Bob, do you have fairly light?

Well... Curry, large chips, and it's been a hard day, so don't even think

messing me around.

Who was that for?

You fucking eat it there.

I

don't

really like salad.

You never do.

I mean, it's all right if we're saying animals and peace protesters.

It wouldn't feel a proper human of.

We're just thinking about you.

Well, don't.

Think about the children's education.

Honestly, I could hardly teach my year 10 this morning because I was dizzy from

hunger.

It's not like you're going to miss a roll.

Claire asked.

I didn't give you this.

Actually, maybe I shouldn't.

Good for you.

I can't eat it now, can I? I don't know how Bob's touched it with his wanking

hand. No offence, Bob.

So, today I'm having sex with a fat girl.

Yeah. She's panting, making moaning noises.

How do you know it's not just because she's naked?

I mean, how can you tell if she's really enjoying it?

Who cares?

I mean, you'd be the one making all the effort anyway.

She'll just be lying down eating toast.

Give me a minute to shag a farm animal.

Why would you want to shag a farm animal?

I wouldn't.

But then I wouldn't want to shag a fat woman either.

Apparently, on farms, it's quite common for men to practice on the animals.

So what?

After they've tried the few chickens or something, they're ready to go out into

the world of women.

I don't think they graduate to sheep or cows first, but yeah.

And they just do it to them?

Like that?

Like what?

They don't try and make them look more human?

How?

I don't know.

Lingerie?

What are you doing?

Just making sure that we get some privacy.

What do we need privacy for?

We're working.

What do you think the play is about?

Boredom. Not because you're being taught by Ewan.

You know, I thought of three great things that we could do like that.

And yes, one of them all.

Why don't we concentrate on just that?

how cute your baby's looking these days.

Nipples.

Prolapsed. Sorry, I didn't get that.

Pushed. Ripped.

Anus.

Sorry, actually,

I really wanted to ask you, could I possibly have a crisp?

Loud.

I can't understand what you're saying. Are you going to give me one or not?

Claire, salad.

Just give me a fucking crisp.

Oh my God.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Are you still there?

Yes.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to decide whether this is the saddest thing I've ever seen in my

entire life.

Damien will know.

the fuck were you doing?

I dropped my keys through the hatch.

If that was me stuck there, I don't think I'd ever eat again.

Fucking hell, Ben, how many people did you bring?

I had to get reinforcements.

This is not my fault.

If that fucking bitch hadn't cut off me food supply, I wouldn't be driven to

these lengths.

Oh.

Hello.

So, do I take it you'll now be embracing our slimming drive?

Or shall we leave you there until you're thin enough to fall out?

You're begging for forgiveness.

It's just a game.

It's running back and forth inside your mind. Just how that's bound to find you.

Dress you up. Paint it on your face.

You're leaving New York.

Another takeaway you won't be allowed to do this.

Oh, and look, you seem to have fallen over.

I think she finally understands that if she wants to avoid a slow and

excruciating death from some fat disease, she's got to go about this

And do you want to know the best bit? No.

The best bit is that if she's going to live, that means I'm going to live.

Pity.

How did you describe it?

Like a hippo in a cat flap. Was that it?

No, I don't know what you mean.

Yeah, you said it was like watching a hippo in a cat flap trying to get a

truffle of him. I don't remember that.

Anyway, hippos don't eat tinned ham, so there's no way I would have said that.

How do you know they don't?

If somebody with a can opener for them.

Hippos prefer their food.

I just didn't say that, OK?

Good news.

That was just to get your attention. Of course there isn't any.

Miss Pierce, remember, there are only two days left before your final weigh

I know.

So plenty of support from everyone, please.

And if you see her stuffing anything into her fat mouth, feel free to

Thank you.

Miss Fitz, can I have a word?

Now, obviously, we need to be sensible about this, but there are a lot of crash

diets out there.

Have you looked into them yet? And think about liposuction. You could probably

squeeze some into your lunchtime.

Sorry, why does Liz have to do this diet? She's fat.

I'm not fat.

You're not small, are you?

I have large breasts. Not a lack of self -control. And what do you think your

breasts are made of?

Fat.

Well done, Liz. You'll be joining Lindsay.

Maybe you could rope in a few of your other fat friends, too.

I'm doing it myself now. Isn't that enough?

Frankly, no.

Good morning, everyone.

Hands up for all those who think Mr. Porter could do with losing some weight.

That's Mr. Porter.

Okay, see?

Now, what you need to do is join me on a short weight loss program.

Isn't that right?

Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Miss Pierce, and very tempting.

Well? Well, the truth is, I'm actually in the middle of a very demanding health

program of my own, which is actually providing me with plenty of exercise.

Perhaps you'd like to explain to the class exactly which muscle group you

on most recently.

Well, um... I didn't think so.

Right, where were we?

Imagine if I didn't teach at this school.

I know.

Or if you went to a different school.

I know.

If this comes up on the exam...

I'm screwed. I don't know any of this.

Well, that's why I'm here.

Do you think we would have met anyway, though?

I do.

I think you would have probably spotted me on the street or somewhere.

Did you know that, and I can't remember the exact figures, but something like 60

% of fat people die before they reach middle age?

Are you sure?

Yes.

Give or take.

How can that be right?

I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

Well, neither am I, but 60 % is more than half.

I'm not a mathematician either.

That means that most fat middle -aged people are dead.

If you say so.

No, that's what you're saying.

Look, I don't want to get bogged down by details.

It might have been 40%. Still means that most of us will know somebody who's

died as a result of obesity.

I don't know anyone who's died of obesity. Do you?

The point is, you're both too fast. You're a right fucking state.

And so you're going to be taking part in a sponsored slim.

It can't be 40%. Will you shut up? Cunt, motherfucker!

We were just saying how heartwarming it is to see someone so dedicated.

It's almost like a vacation.

It's like the more I do it, the more I can do it.

The more I want to do it. What do you look at for inspiration?

What?

You can literally just look at anything and it lets you off.

It's quite a talent, really, isn't it?

When you think about it.

You should put it on your CV.

Focus on the work in your exercise book.

I'll come round later.

Are there any questions?

Yes?

I've, er... lost my textbook.

Sorry, I missed breakfast.

You'll have to repeat that.

Because the fact is, by the end of the play, these two characters don't even

know what's normal.

Can you wait just a moment?

Is everything OK?

Could you tell Anthony that I need to speak to him?

We're in the middle of a lesson. Can't I just give him a message?

Okay. Tell him that I'm gagging for it, and if he'd meet me outside in ten

minutes, he can shag me up the arse.

Thank you.

Um, Miss Neville needs to speak to you. She says it's important.

Will you just tell her I'm busy?

Fuck. Oh, we don't want his.

We want our own.

Liz, I'm so glad you and your giant breasts decided to join us. Well, you

your big floppy chins need all the friends they can get. How could we

So what do we do now?

Now?

What do you think we do now?

What about a motivational chat?

If we all talk to each other about our relationships with food, we might

an important moment in our path that led us to obesity problems today.

Great idea.

Go on, then.

Well... I think I'm fat because...

I eat too much.

Right, who's next?

Can we talk about year ten set text?

Because... Look at that.

That's amazing, isn't it?

Uh, yeah.

So, what I was thinking is if we could just agree on three... You know,

sometimes, I don't think there are enough hours in the day. Yesterday, I

have a single free period, and yet I still managed five.

What do you think about that, then, eh?

Great. You're fucking right it's great. I'm awash.

With endorphins.

That's been like the king of the world.

Right, well, I'm glad it's all going so well. I know. For an oldie. Well, there

you go. You youngsters don't know the first thing about the potency of the

mature man.

I'll come back.

It's all about mind over matter.

Anything... Bob,

what happened?

Bob?

Look, I've got something to say.

I've got loads of work to do at the moment.

I know that.

So I don't really need any distractions.

I was thinking we should call it a day.

I know you don't understand.

Are you dumping me? I'm sorry, but I knew the best thing was to be open about

this. That we could deal with it in a dignified way. You don't dump me.

You don't dump me.

I dump you, you little shit.

Penny. Miss Neville.

I don't believe it. I'm sorry.

You fucking will be.

What on earth is he doing?

No idea.

Me neither. But I think Lindsay knows.

Well, I don't know anything. I think she does.

Get... Pivot.

What?

What if it won't go down?

What then?

Any news on Bob? Is he dead?

Give him a chance.

They only stretched him off ten minutes ago.

You missed all the excitement.

Bob will probably die.

Whatever.

Bob might die.

How can you not be interested?

Is something wrong?

Of course not.

I was just wondering because you came looking for Anthony in the middle of my

lesson. No, this has nothing to do with Anthony.

Nothing's wrong. Shut up.

He's dumped you.

I've not been dumped.

If you must know, I dumped Anthony.

He's devastated.

Well, at least you know that at his age, he'll get over it quickly.

Yeah. He'll probably won't even remember your name by this time tomorrow.

He will remember my fucking name.

Do you reckon Bob will die?

How the fuck should I know?

You're a biology teacher.

You understand the human body.

I was out of the room when they covered death by wanking.

Why do you even care?

I don't care. I'm just curious.

It's an amazing number of things that can kill you. Did you know that

the Great died shagging a horse?

Francis Bacon died stuffing a chicken with snow.

Oh, come on. He did. He was saying it would breathe.

But how would that work? Lindsay?

Shit.

Are you all right?

I'm fine, I think.

Not you.

Can you still breathe?

Oh, my God.

Look at this. It's working.

What? He's got his arms around me.

You're right.

That's amazing.

Well done.

I'm losing weight.

I can feel it. I'm fitter. I'm lighter.

This is what I can achieve in a couple of days. Imagine what I'll be like in a

couple of months.

Obese? Rather than morbidly obese?

I'd be like that really thin model.

What's it called?

You know, the old one looks like a twig.

Twiggy. That's it.

Or rather, that'll be me in a couple of months.

Only younger.

Do you want to get off him now?

You just can't stand seeing anybody happy.

I know.

But I'm still right.

The man was a freak.

Didn't you see his arms? He was like... What's the opposite of a thalidomide?

Is there an opposite of thalidomide?

What's the opposite of a thalidomide?

That man who got his arms around, didn't he?

What are you doing in Bob's classroom?

Isn't he coming back?

Has he died?

I'm covering his classroom. Will you stop worrying? I'm not. I just...

I can't stand not knowing.

You're going to worry about something. Maybe it should be this.

It says here that one in four people will die before the age of 40.

Why would I worry about that?

It'll be Lindsay, that'll be.

Why? Because she's fat and unhealthy.

I wouldn't be so sure.

I mean, a lot of serious illnesses are sparked off by stress.

And you are a bit of a worrier.

I'm not as stressed as Lindsay is fat.

What's fat?

You said yourself.

The weight's falling off her now.

And it's all thanks to you.

I think you'd be very generous.

What do you mean?

Well, all the support you've given her.

All the encouragement to lose weight, make herself healthier.

Yeah, because I like her. We all do. But we wouldn't necessarily die for her.

I don't know what you mean.

I think you do.

It's not fair.

I've been good all my life trying to avoid pain and illness and wasting

while she sat back and stuffed her face. But now, somehow, I'm the one who's

going to die.

Well, fuck her.

You can't see it, can you?

I can see that you've put your hand on my arm, and I'd like you to take it off.

The trouble is, you never know if saying something is just going to make it

worse.

I can also see that you're being very annoying.

I just think that you might be taking this too far.

Look, I'm just going to say this, and then I'll leave.

Every mirror is a distorting mirror to an anorexic.

Let's celebrate your achievements tonight. Big plate of chips and a few

What do you say?

You do realise we have a zero -tolerance policy on litter?

How interesting.

And I think it's safe to assume that the chocolate wrapper that I picked up

further down the corridor... What are you doing?

Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to you. Well, then don't talk to me like

a fucking child.

I'm a teacher. You are a child. These are the new premises of our

You're pathetic.

And you're a schoolboy.

Will they call if he dies?

You know, if I thought it might shut you up, I'd go there and kill him myself.

It's your round.

What'll it be? Pint and what?

Packing of crisps?

No. I know it's hard for you to get your neurotic little brain around, but I'm

actually enjoying feeling healthier.

Anorexics have to start somewhere.

Get me an orange juice.

Are you that fat girl who choked on a donut?

I was.

It used to be.

What?

Yeah, OK.

Why? You've won.

You've got the winning lottery ticket.

What have you won?

You have to come and get weighed tomorrow night.

Then you can come and start claiming your pride.

If you like.

Oh, my God. You've won your own weight in beer.

No.

I don't know about you lot, but I think that's enough dieting for one week. A

girl has to be careful she doesn't waste away.

What I have to do now is... Pile on as much weight as you can before tomorrow

night. Exactly.

Do you think that's what's to do with an orange juice?

I'll go back.

How about some pork scratchings? My treat.

Good morning. Good morning.

Why

aren't you

dead?

Thanks for your concern.

What are you going to tell Claire?

That I...

Fell over that I walked into a door that my fucking cock developed a fucking

life of its own, standing to attention every fucking minute of the day. How

about that?

You know, the real tragedy is that Bob didn't think about sponsorship before he

set off.

Your wanking might have put the school on the map.

Oh, I know you think this whole thing is fucking hilarious, but I've just

survived a very traumatic experience.

Was it life or death?

I said it was close.

Okay, how close?

Close.

But how close?

The doctor thinks that if I've carried on, then let's just say I was right at

the edge.

Fucking hell.

You were one wank away from death.

So what happens if something sets you off now?

It mustn't.

Don't want anything too revealing, will you?

Morning, everybody.

I hope you all visited your cash dispensers this morning because Carol

coming round collecting sponsorship money.

For those of you who sponsored Miss Pierce, you might want to think about an

overdraft.

How do we know how much weight Lindsay's lost?

In fact, how do we know if she's lost any?

How much did Lindsay weigh before?

I have no idea.

A lot.

We'll do the final weigh -in and announce the figure later.

Lindsay, I'd like to see you in my office straight away, please.

So, you started at around 17 stone.

15 stone.

So you started at around 17 stone, and now you're what?

10 stone 6?

No, let's say 13 stone 4.

So, that's a total weight loss of...

Three stone and eight pounds.

Marvellous. Thank you.

Stop! Don't move another inch. Just stick in here.

Okay.

Every time you injure yourself, you burn off precious calories.

Right, where did you get this from? Don't worry about that now. Just eat

That. That.

Put it away.

What?

That.

The peach.

Put it away now.

It's just some fruit.

I know what it is now. Put it away.

Stop complaining.

The people in Africa give anything for just five minutes of this. We'll just

make you eat it again.

Oi, go on.

Can I not just have one cigarette?

You'll have plenty of time to smoke while they're pulling their thousand

You should get back.

Isn't this working out well for you?

You get free beer and Lindsay dies. Your best ever day.

Yeah, but you get free beer too.

Yeah, but you live.

You're getting more out of this than I am.

Cheers.

Well done.

I don't see what's so clever about being fat and drunk.

You know what?

There's probably nothing in it, but I'm starting to actually feel healthier.

More robust.

There's nothing in it.

It's as if I've thrown off all my worries and I can just relax and enjoy a

and happy life now. Don't count on it.

Fattening up Lindsay isn't going to compensate for the male -female death

party. The what?

Men die earlier than women. It's a proven fact.

All you're doing is evening things up a bit.

I'd say it's still touch and go.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. That's why I'm not that nice to either of you.

I don't want to get too attached and then upset myself when one of you dies.

What's this? Bar bill.

260 quid?

What's this about?

I'm the winner. I won the beer.

Is there a problem?

I can't be a bar bill.

I've just won my own weight in beer.

I know I've been on a diet and everything, but there's no way I weigh

this lot.

You weigh 210 pounds. That's 3 ,360 ounces.

That works out at 168 pints, which means you get one pint every night for the

next 168 nights.

And you'll see here that we have subtracted the cost of a pint from this

which leaves this figure to pay.

I'm not fucking paying, eh?

Ironic, isn't it? What's ironic?

You're too fat and lazy to read the small print.

Where are you going?

Home. I should be going to... Oh, come on, you're... Have a good night out. I'm

exhausted. The doctor said this might happen. It's common after severe trauma.

Somebody ought to see Bob home.

Fuck off. Why?

In case the, uh... Who's going to have a pay for all this?

I don't really like lager.

I'll help you.

Really?

Thank you, Ewan.

It's always good to know someone you can rely on.

How much money you got on you?

£3 .32.

What kind of fucking friend you are?

Sorry.

Where the fuck are you going?

Possibly home.

Possibly another pub.

Basically anywhere I don't have to watch you begging for money to pay for a

table of beer. You drank loads of this.

Not fair, really, is it? I don't care who pays for this, but someone has to.

I was only joking.

I mean, how selfish do you think I am?

Very.

Is that the best you can do?

Maybe you should try putting on a bit of weight.