Original subtitles

What if you're not at home?

What are you talking about?

When's the delivery of Mail Order Bride?

Do you think they'll leave her with a neighbour?

You might have to go and collect her from the depot. Fuck off.

You should be careful.

My mum got sent some smoked salmon once. It was rancid by the time she picked it

up. You all think you're so fucking funny, don't you?

And that is none of you wankers have got girlfriends.

Or boyfriends.

Well, it is Gay and Lesbian Awareness Week, after all.

Good idea.

Yeah, let's talk about something else, shall we?

So, Gay and Lesbian Awareness Week.

Anyone aware of anyone gay?

Or lesbian?

Do you think you'll get a free gift with your mail order, Brian?

Perhaps you'll come with complimentary ping -pong balls.

Can't six grown -up, educated people really not think of anything more

interesting to talk about?

I hope he's being sent registered post.

Then you can get your money back if someone steals it.

How did he do that?

How did he pull someone between the pub and home? We took a fucking taxi.

Perhaps she lives here. I've never been into that room at the end of the

corridor.

Fucking hell.

Bastards!

Good morning.

You're all as excited as I am about Gay and Lesbian Awareness Week.

We're very lucky to have been allocated Sarah here from the Gay and Lesbian

Advisory Group as our resident...

Technical expert. I'm really just a counsellor.

Sarah will be on hand to help you if you come across any difficulties when you

all discuss gay and lesbian stuff in your tutor groups.

I want the school to feel like a safe place where boys and girls can come out

and... That is right, isn't it? Girls do come out too, don't they? Or do they

have a different work?

No. Good.

The most important thing is I want the pupils to feel that this school is

inclusive and supportive of everyone, no matter how perverted their sexuality.

Shit.

I think I fancy her.

I never normally fancy anyone.

Is she fancyable?

I wouldn't know.

I'm engaged to be married.

You're not allowed to look at other people's mail. You just can't open it.

is attractive.

No problem.

She's a lesbian.

She can't be.

Can she? I'm sure she's not.

Just because she works for the Gay and Lesbian Advisory Group doesn't mean

a lesbian.

She said it herself. She's a counsellor, not a technical expert.

I do hope I wasn't too encouraging.

You don't want to end up with hordes of children rubbing each other up in the

boys' toilets, do we? Or the girls' toilets.

Well, they're girls.

They don't... They don't have a... Do they? So they can't.

Trust me, they can.

Of course they can.

Okay.

Time to put your money where your mouth is.

One pound per name.

Whoever guesses the first person to come out gets the pot.

I'll have a pound on Sarah.

I'm sorry.

Only permanent members of staff and students are eligible.

I'll have a pound on Lindsay, then.

Bob? Oh, I don't know. Uh, Grint. Grint?

It's not like Grint's gay.

How do you know? It's obvious.

No, it's not.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that Grinty's gay.

Just because someone's fat and bald doesn't make them gay, Bob.

You should know that.

Oh, very funny.

Doesn't mean I'm wrong.

You can't judge by appearances.

I mean, looking at you.

You'd never guess you were so desperate for a shag you'd have to order a woman

out of a catalogue.

Then again... You know, you don't know anything about anything. You wouldn't be

able to spot a gay person if they were... Shagging you up the arse?

All right, that's fucking it. I'm going to prove to you fuckers that Grint is

fucking gay, you fucking fuckers.

Just because someone likes someone else of the same sex, it doesn't mean there's

something wrong with them.

I mean, the truth is, anyone could be gay.

How about you?

People can't choose whether they're gay or not, and they just are.

What kind of man do you think you'd go for?

You're really not talking about me now. Would it be someone younger than you?

It's similar to conventional vaginal intercourse.

Only the man sticks his penis up the other man's anus. The obvious benefit is

that there's no risk of pregnancy.

On the downside, however, the anus is normally tighter than the vagina, so

there's a greater risk of tearing and bleeding.

How's it all going? Slowly.

I've actually got a question myself.

I was thinking about what you said, and I was wondering, what exactly is it that

they do?

What who do?

Lesbians.

How do they have sex?

Well, the same way as everyone else.

Go on.

Well, you know, by stimulating each other's erogenous zones.

Right. Well, great.

That's all I wanted to know.

Is it Karen?

No.

What's that?

It's a weekday. A bitch.

You're just saying that because you know I'm never going to be your bitch.

Actually, for your information, I've got a boyfriend.

Really? How come I don't know about him, then?

What's wrong with him?

Nothing.

Oh.

Why aren't you running around going, Oh, look at me.

I've got a boyfriend.

I've found someone who hasn't worked out what a vacuous, self -obsessed waste of

space I am.

Maybe because you just made him up. Or maybe it's because it's none of your

business.

I think my tutor group might be too stupid to be gay.

Mine just laughed in my face. Well, he did.

She listened with your little cookery boys must be gay.

Food technology is not a gay subject.

The clue's in the title.

Food technology.

Technologies are not gay.

Grint does cookery.

Haven't you been listening to me?

And more to the point, why the fuck are you so obsessed with Grint being gay?

I'm not obsessed.

It just happens to be the truth.

If you ask me, you're obsessed with Grint not being gay. Look, maybe we

just forget about it. I mean, does it matter if... Don't fucking humour me.

not a fucking child. Grint is fucking gay.

I'll tell you who I think is gay. Kayla.

That's obvious, isn't it? All gay people have domineering parents.

Maybe we should ask our resident lesbian expert.

Dad is not... It's like a pig falling in love with a baby.

Maybe.

Hi.

Oh, it's strange, isn't it, life?

I mean, we're all men.

Well, all men are men.

And yet we're all different.

Some men are more manlike than others. And some men are less. I wouldn't worry

about it.

Lots of middle -aged men who've been dumped start to question their

I'm getting married, you fucking little loser!

Come in.

Hi.

How's it going?

You want the truth?

I'm bored out of my fucking mind.

No one's so much as put their head round the door.

Well, I was wondering if there was any possibility.

I mean, I know we don't know each other very well.

Oh, please don't come out.

It's bad enough when the kids do.

I wasn't going to come out. I couldn't come out.

Not that it would be too difficult.

I just can't because I'm... in?

I mean... Would you like to come for a drink?

Can I talk to you? Not if you're going to take the piss.

No, it's a serious subject.

There are lots of kids out there who are confused, who think there might be

something wrong with them. I know. I'm one of them.

I think I might be gay.

My God, that's brilliant.

Congratulations.

And I'm so flattered you confided in me.

Well, I had to tell you. Well, you say that, but most kids wouldn't have the

courage. There are plenty of adults who have difficulty dealing with the whole

homosexuality thing. No.

I had to tell you.

Because I fancy you.

What the fuck? You're not joking, are you? No. Right, good.

Well, not good, but fine, I suppose.

Are you sure?

Yes. Well, we should really talk about this properly.

Right, cos I was looking at you in class. Not now.

I mean, I don't think now's quite the right time.

I'm not feeling very well at the moment, so, um... Bob!

I've been looking for you.

We'll talk soon, OK?

What the fuck do you want?

How are you?

Well, I wouldn't worry about it. How are you?

Some of us attract proper grown -up women.

Some of us attract gay little boys.

Oh, um, maybe I should push print in your direction.

How come it's always you?

It's not always him.

What is it about you that everyone goes for? Not everyone goes for it. Yes, they

do. Even Penny tried to jump in. Which reminds me, why am I sat here looking

your pure bickering when I could be spending my evening with a real man?

Please don't shag him till he's done his homework.

You must have said something to him. What did you say? I didn't say anything.

I think you'll find that gay people have a complex system of non -verbal

communication.

Did he stuff your penis through a hole in the toilet?

Does Liz know about John?

No, I really don't think he wanted anyone else to know.

Right, I'm going to put his name down on the sweepstake.

No, please, just keep it to yourself.

Liz is probably watching Emmerdale now.

Let's ring her.

Oh, lesbian at 11 o 'clock?

If she was a lesbian, why would she have accepted my invitation to her pub?

Because she wanted a drink. Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Don't worry about it.

Can I get you a drink?

Thanks. Paint?

I'd prefer a glass of white wine.

Oh, can you get me some crisps?

Procter? Ready to open.

So... Have John Simon been to see you? He's one, apparently. He fancies you.

off duty.

Actually, even if I wasn't, I wouldn't give a shit.

So what qualifications do you need for getting a job on the lesbian advisory

group? The gay and lesbian advisory group.

None, really.

It's all a bit of a doss, actually.

Isn't it a bit like being a psychiatrist?

You know.

A psychiatrist has to have experienced therapy... Don't be stupid.

It's nothing like being a psychiatrist.

That's like saying all psychiatrists are mental.

Can I take this chair?

Yeah, sure.

Did you see the look she gave me?

It's not always you.

Well, there are hundreds of chairs in this pub. Why do you think she chose

one?

Are you doing a Humphrey Bogart?

I don't know if she's desperate either.

She's not bad looking. She's gorgeous.

She was probably just admiring her in an aesthetic kind of way.

I find some men gorgeous.

What men?

Morning.

How the fuck does he do it?

First woman from nowhere woman, then gay boy, now chair woman.

I'm just as attractive as him.

Aren't I?

Don't ask me questions like that. I'm confused enough as it is.

You don't find me attractive, but you find other men gorgeous.

I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean to.

Well, of course you meant to. You shied there because I told you you were fancy

there. It's what chickens do.

If there are two competing roosters...

First, they say you can shag the most hens.

Then they fight.

Then the winning rooster buggers the loser just to rub it in.

So you might have thought I was out of her league.

Yeah, probably.

out tonight.

I just can't stop it. I just can't stop it.

My friend.

So if you had to shag either John or one of those two, which would it be?

I'm not answering that question.

Okay, well, if you can't choose between them, then which would you shag first?

I won't be the first, you won't be the last.

Did you have a good time last night?

What did you do after the pinball, Wendy? We had a great time, thank you.

Anthony's a bit tired this morning... Oh, Liz, I'll have a pound on Anthony

Millington being next.

You know, that feets boy in my tutor group.

Anthony Millington's not a feat. I can't think of a more masculine -looking man.

Don't you think he's a bit minty when he walks?

Actually, I've heard he's got a very attractive girlfriend.

Really? I bet he's rather butt. More of a mother substitute than a girlfriend,

actually.

Only older.

If you're expecting me to take sides, you're wasting your time.

I can't be bothered to decide which of you I hate the most.

Actually, I wouldn't waste your money on Anthony Millington.

I just wanted to say, keep up the good work on the gay and lesbian front. I

some of it's a bit complicated, but I'm sure everyone will get their heads

around it in the end.

And remember, if you've got any queries, refer them to Sarah. No pun intended.

So, how are the children coping with the whole erogenous zone thing?

Fine.

It's a funny word, isn't it?

It's erogenous.

I wonder what it means, exactly.

I've got no idea.

Probably Latin?

Yes, probably.

Latin.

Have you been telling people to put Kayla's name down? What?

No, of course not.

Kayla's not like that.

That's exactly what I've been saying.

I mean, so what that she doesn't have any male friends? She's only 12.

14.

14. Really?

And she still doesn't have a boyfriend.

Well, I'm sure it doesn't really matter.

Some women never have a boyfriend.

Nuns never have boyfriends.

So, what were we doing last lesson?

The romantics.

Right.

Well, I'm sure I told you romanticism had nothing to do with romance.

Now, romanticism was all about the expression of the self.

But what is the thing you wanted to express about yourself to do with

Right, let's write a poem about that.

Just wondering if there's any chance of making Frank Clifton Kayla's partner for

experiments and stuff. Sure.

Frank, do you want to make it to Kayla?

Of course.

That's right.

I'll talk to you now.

Now?

Now's not really a good time for me because I've got to go somewhere now.

Please. Look, I'd really like to. It's just... Clause 28. I can't. My hands are

tied. I'm sorry.

Why don't you talk to the woman from the gay and lesbian advisory group?

Because it's not her I fancy.

Exactly. She should be the perfect person to talk to.

She might be able to help you sort out your... problem.

I wouldn't call it a problem.

Of course it's a problem.

It's paedophilia.

Only in reverse.

Can't you just have a quiet word with him?

He has to come and see me of his own accord.

I can't just go up to him and say, you look gay, would you be interested in a

pamphlet on rimming?

I don't believe it.

Is he even lucky with lesbians?

You don't know she's a lesbian.

She could be bisexual.

You mean she's just pretending to be a lesbian in order to what?

Get a reduction on some dungarees?

Think about it. What sort of person would be the perfect counsellor for a

and lesbian advisory group?

A bisexual.

A bisexual would be able to look at the situation from two different viewpoints.

She's told you she's a bisexual, has she?

Maybe, miss her. It was a mouthful of muff at the time.

OK, pretend I'm John.

OK, well,

John.

The thing is, I don't want to hurt you. No, you can't say that.

I don't want to hurt you sounds as if you're about to shag him, but you're

scared you'll damage him with your massive cock.

Really? Look, say something like, I'm a teacher, you're a pupil, it's out of the

question.

Until you're 16.

So, who's your favourite character in The Wizard of Oz?

I quite like the lion.

Really? Oh, yeah. He's a friend of Dorothy's, isn't he?

Are you a friend of Dorothy's?

She's a character in a film.

Yeah, look, the sooner you admit to yourself that you are a fucking bender,

happier you'll be.

Face it, Ewan's just more attractive than you.

What's your opinion?

No, it's the opinion of the entire staff room. We took a poll.

Plus he came out as funnier, kinder and more interesting than you.

And a better companion on a desert island.

I abstain.

Of course, my ideal of an island companion would be Luciano Pavarotti.

Once he got bored of singing, you could eat him.

You could live off him for months.

Well, he'd be a bit fatter.

You could save the fat for the brand new body if you decided to swim for it.

What if you couldn't swim?

Well, if you couldn't swim, you could use his hollowed -out body as a boat.

Yeah, but what would you use for oars?

I could saw his legs off.

Oh, so now you've got a saw. Where did that come from?

What do you think?

You'd really prefer to be on a desert island with Ewan.

I can cook for fuck's sake.

Before we start, hands up anyone who's also in one of Mr. Doherty's classes.

Okay, great.

Now keep your hands up if you find him, I don't know, a bit dull.

You know, easy on the eye, but if you spend too long with him, you'd soon

realise that he was a bit...

I said keep your hands up.

What about Heather Mills?

At least you'd have one all.

Yeah, but you'd just go round and round in circles.

You'd need Long John Silver, too, who might have useful shipwreck experience

well.

Oh, Sarah, there you are.

Did you find it?

No. I'll help you look for it, then. Thanks.

I've just got one more question.

You know what you were saying about the girl?

Why does that work? Because obviously men and women just go... Mrs Hammond, do

you think you might be gay?

What?

Hi.

What are you doing in here?

I wanted to talk to you.

You shouldn't have come to see me in my classroom.

You're never in your classroom.

Are you avoiding me?

What?

No. Why would I be avoiding you?

Because I fancy you.

I mean, you know how I feel about you, but you still haven't told me how you

feel about me.

Well, I feel like you're a student and I'm a teacher, so even if I did have

feelings for you, I... What if I change schools?

I don't mind.

This one's crap anyway. That's not the point.

The point is, you're at school and I'm a teacher. I'll leave school.

I'm sorry, I'm just not gay.

Maybe you are.

I just don't realise it yet.

No, I really am not gay.

I mean, there's nothing about a man and another man touching each other, putting

their bits into other men's bits.

And all that dancing.

And those musicals.

And that way they look at you if you go into one of their pubs. Like, they want

to bend you over there and then and just... I'm sorry, I wasn't talking

about you.

Your fat flatmate set me a multiple choice to do this evening.

My fat flatmate's down the pub tonight.

So why don't you come over? We can nick the uncle out of the room and then

relax.

I'm sorry, but your essay just wasn't good enough.

You're going to have to do it again.

Thanks very much.

You could have said my essay was brilliant.

Well, then she would have known I was lying.

I thought you'd think she might realise that you don't actually feed me.

I might as well have said that she'll be gay.

You do that nice conceding sigh, doesn't it, when someone really takes your

advice to heart?

Did you have to put your hand under my arse? Did you have to put your big butt

out on my hand?

Probably already on his second bottle of Paracetamol.

Talking of needy, attention -seeking adolescents, where's Penny tonight?

She's... Having her legs waxed. It's not just her legs, though, is it?

No, her arms.

Face? Face.

Has she got a moustache?

Moustache, sideburns, very hairy.

She's really pretty.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

They make a good couple.

That bloke she's with's quite good looking, too.

No, he's all right.

I mean, he's sort of sexy in a way.

Don't you think?

Yeah, whatever you say.

Oh, what about him?

He's very sexy.

I think I almost prefer him to the other one.

What do you think? Are you trying to find out if I'm bisexual?

What? No, of course not.

Well, I'm not. I like men, but I wouldn't want to shag one.

Or marry one, or live with one, or speak to one.

Shit, maybe I'm a lesbian.

You'd make a good lesbian.

What do you mean by that?

Sorry? I didn't mean to offend you. No.

No, of course not.

Probably flattering.

I don't know what I'd do if he killed himself.

Finally stopped talking about it.

What if he leaves a note blaming me?

Is that your name in the paper?

I mean, why couldn't I have just read I already had a boyfriend or something?

Look, it's not like he's really in love with you. Yes, he is.

You should have heard the way. No, he's not. He just thinks he is. I'm just

going to have to try and talk to him.

He's still alive.

Or send his mum a lovely bunch of flowers if he's not.

All right.

I'm not gay myself, but that doesn't mean I can't, you know, give him some

advice. Because you've done a great job so far.

I'm going to help him through this.

I'm going to be there to hold his hand.

I mean, not literally, obviously.

We can learn about what it means to be gay in today's society together.

Ballet, opera.

Fine porcelain.

You could always work him off as a gesture of goodwill.

What do you think she meant when she said I'd make a good lesbian?

Perhaps she meant you'd make a good lesbian.

Why did you say it though?

Well, you're fat.

Lesbians aren't all overweight.

Sarah's not.

Plus you smoke and you drink pints and you have greasy hair.

My hair is not greasy.

Naturally, she is resistant.

Anyhow, Sarah doesn't smoke.

She drinks quite a lot.

Fair is not fat. Fair drinks white wine.

Fair is lovely.

Do you think Lindsay would make a good lesbian?

Dunno. What is always going on about my tits? That's not because I'm interested

in your tits.

It's because I'm interested in the law, baby.

Don't look now, but I think you've got a secret admirer.

That pervert.

Personality isn't everything.

But to admit, he's good looking.

He's got a spotty back.

How do you know that?

The past seats were his shirt.

is obsessed.

It's nice he's got an interest.

Five pounds.

No.

Ten pounds.

No.

Well, how much do you fucking want?

My sexuality doesn't have a price.

I wonder what else he puts down on his CV under special skills, apart from

trying to turn children gay.

Swearing?

I call that more of a hobby. No.

Obviously things you do with your hands.

No, you don't. What about tap dancing?

Look, why don't I talk to him?

No, thanks, but he's my responsibility.

I have to do it.

I'm really sorry about the things that I said yesterday.

There really isn't anything wrong with being gay.

And loads of people are gay.

In fact, so many people are gay nowadays, it's almost normal.

What I mean is, one in ten people are supposed to be gay.

That means there are only two other gay kids in your class.

Well, who are they? I don't know who they are exactly.

I'm just saying you're not alone.

Well, I am if I don't know who else is gay.

How am I supposed to find out?

When you first met me, Did he think she'd make a good lesbian?

OK, so I was wrong.

Christ, does everyone have to take the piss all the time?

Don't worry about him.

Liz,

do you think Lindsay'd make a good lesbian?

You know what?

There's probably enough of her to make two good lesbians.

Bob, what about you?

Can you see Lindsay as a lesbian?

Oh, half -fucking -half. Let's all take the pith out of Bob, shall we? Bob

hasn't got a clue about anyone's sexual orientation.

Wankers!

Oh, they missed a bit.

What are you talking about? In fact, they missed the whole thing completely.

We told Liz why we went to the pub last night.

About your hair removal.

Oh, yeah.

You should ask for your money back.

I have some good news.

We've managed to flush one out.

A gay boy, I mean.

Well done, Mr. Doherty.

What's his name again?

Oh, he hasn't really come out yet. John Simon.

That's right.

John Simon.

Whoever he is.

Anyhow, please don't look on this as an excuse to rest on your laurels. There

must be more of them still out there.

I'm only ever going to be attracted to unobtainable women.

Lesbians. Close family members.

Inuit. Why did they stop calling them Eskimos?

I don't know.

Maybe it's politically incorrect.

Maybe it means furry, fish -eating flat -face in Inuit.

Who? I wonder what Inuit means in Inuit.

Were you attracted to me when we first met?

What? No, of course not.

Well, then, you couldn't have thought I was a lesbian?

Because if you'd thought I was a lesbian, I would have been unobtainable,

you would have fancied me.

Or maybe I just wasn't attracted to you because you're fat.

And you smoke too much.

And drink pints.

And your hair's a bit greasy. It's not fucking greasy.

It's naturally freeze -resistant.

Claire. You.

You.

You're a biology teacher and a lesbian. Will you please tell me, when you're in

bed with your lady friend, what is it exactly that you do?

I'm not a lesbian.

I don't want to work it.

Hi.

You OK?

No. I can't find any one guy.

Well, I picked up some information for you.

15. Some say that 15 past the root makes the possibility of internal damage

higher. Oh, I didn't really get the chance to look at them. Didn't feel very

welcome. Felching.

What's felching?

Spit roasting is when you're receiving anal sex from one man whilst giving

another man a blowjob. I haven't even met one gay person yet.

I'm not going to beat about the bush anymore.

No offence.

Tell me what lesbians do.

Whatever it is, I'm sure I can stomach it.

I've told you.

Yes, I know, but where exactly are the zones?

Well, they could be anywhere.

For most women, the main erogenous zone is the clitoris.

Could you draw me a diagram?

I've had an idea.

Oh, really?

Why don't you just think about someone gay?

It doesn't have to be someone you know. It could be someone on the telly or

someone you just admire.

And think about how they'd deal with being gay.

Ian McKinnon? Yes. Well, he'd be a great role model.

Will Young?

Or that bloke that was on his tenders years ago?

Yes, any of those would be great.

Then all you have to do is muddle your behaviour on that.

Although I think I saw that bloke from EastEnders in the background of an Asda

commercial.

So we'll yell and they'll probably be better.

You

know

what, sometimes teaching can actually be quite a rewarding job.

Have you ever noticed how lots of gay men have Christian names with their

George Michael, for example.

Boy George.

Elton John.

That's a shit theory. What about Ray Charles?

Well, he's blind, so he may have had a few gay experiences by mistake.

Nelson Mandela.

He's got a surname for a first name.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Well, he's heterosexual, so that proves the theory.

You're a fucking idiot, you know that?

It's amazing how the job satisfaction can make everything seem better.

Well, good for you. I'm actually looking forward to going into work.

Then maybe you prefer to walk. Walk? The pleasure.

I'm even looking forward to doing the job.

Sorry.

Don't worry about it.

I really feel like I've made some kind of breakthrough in my teaching.

Fuck!

What the hell are you doing?

Well, I thought I'd dress down today because I've got chemistry this

and I didn't want to make my good clothes up. Why are you talking like

Talking like what? Like that!

That's how we talk.

That's not how Ian McKellen talks.

Do I look like Ian McKellen?

Just go home now and change.

I'll cover for you.

I've got some silver hot pants I could put on. Would I do?

It's amazing how much more feminine a bit of make -up can make you look.

What?

What are you saying? I wear make -up.

What? If I wore more make -up, I wouldn't look like a lesbian?

No, you're right. It wouldn't work.

I'd probably look more like a transbeth.

They're going to beat the shit out of you. My last name's not really my thing,

but I'll try anything once. All right, they're going to kill you.

As long as you don't give me mouth -to -mouth afterwards.

Honestly, I don't know what I ever saw in you, apart from a vague resemblance

the lies of Nellie, a tranquilizer phase.

Finally don't get one.

The clubhouses in the school are too big anyway.

Due to information I've just received, I'm cancelling Gay and Lesbian Awareness

Week. What information?

Believe me, you don't want to know.

Oh, it's nice to see two girls so close.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You're 14.

You should have had at least one pregnancy scare by now.

Look.

Don't you think it's about time you showed a bit more interest in boys?

No. Okay.

Let's put it like this, then.

If someone doesn't come to me at the end of the day and say, Oh, I see Kayla's

got a boyfriend, then I'm going to sit next to you every day at lunch, I'm

to kiss you publicly at every opportunity, I'm going to tell all your

that you still wear a training bra with tissues stuffed in it.

Think about it.

It's either 30 seconds of humiliation now, or all day, every day, for the rest

of your life.

So which aim was that about?

The fact that he's going to get killed, or the fact that he dumped her.

Can I have a private word with you?

Yeah, of course.

If I love you, why would I want to talk to you?

Yeah, sure.

Let's go over here and have a look. No, you can't. You've got a lesson.

Catch you later, then.

Please, just don't do anything to draw attention to yourself.

Can anyone tell me anything about Shelley?

Oh, me, sir. Me, sir.

Me, sir.

Isn't she Barbie's little sister?

Stop that!

It's disgusting!

You see, this is exactly why I pulled the plug.

You tell people how to do it and suddenly everyone wants to have a go.

She's got no qualifications.

She admitted it herself. It's just a doctor.

She doesn't even know what she's talking about.

Exactly. What possible help would she be to anyone?

Especially to a woman who looks like a lesbian but claims she isn't.

Oh, dear.

You two still not talking to each other?

You'll feel awful if you get beaten to death before you get a chance to get

make -up.

I'm not interested in Mr. Garrick anymore.

Very sensible.

You don't know where he's been.

So I'm all yours.

What would you like to do to me?

Can I ask you a question?

It's not about clitoris, is it?

No. I was just wondering.

The other day when you said I'd make a good lesbian, was it because of that?

No.

Was it?

Something to do with my hair, then?

No, although your hair is a bit greasy.

If you leave it long enough, it starts to loosen itself.

Look, when I said you'd make a good lesbian, I meant it as a compliment.

Because, funnily enough, being one myself, I actually think it's quite nice

be a lesbian.

It makes interesting reading, doesn't it?

Particularly the school psychologist's report.

I'm sure you wouldn't want a copy of that posted on the notice board.

Hey, I'll do it.

What are we looking at?

So no one wants to talk to him. I'm not surprised.

Fucking pervert. Just hold on a moment.

Ah, here he comes.

What's wrong with him?

I'm surprised to hear you talk like that.

There's nothing wrong with being gay.

What have you told him to do?

A good teacher doesn't tell. He inspires.

He lights the flame.

Whatever it is you told him to do, I'm going to stop him. You like that, I'm

afraid.

It's like a trick of perspective.

It's either Kayla and Grint close up or...

Bob and Liz far away.

Grinch still wets his bed.

No wonder you don't have a girlfriend.

Better not have turned me gay.

Oh, shit. What are they doing now?

They're moving in for the kill.

Come on.

No way.

He listened to you. He liked you.

Yeah, but only in a... I want to molest you sort of way.

As far as I'm concerned, you deserve it.

I've never liked Queen.

I'll kill him myself if he starts singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

Leave him alone.

Hey!

Well, that's just typical.

As soon as somebody else is interested, suddenly you're clean again.

Look, I'm not keen.

I just don't want to see you getting your head kicked in.

Well, I wouldn't waste your time worrying about me. You've got enough

of your own.

What problems?

Well... You've got a cock that looks like a gherkin for starters.

What?

It looks like a gherkin.

No, you're right. It's a bit small for a gherkin.

It could be one of those tiny cocktail ones, though.

How can a cock look like a gherkin? You know, small, shriveled, green.

You've never seen my cock.

Adds to your bollocks.

Oh.

You've definitely never seen my bollocks. Or my cock.

No greater love can one man show for another man than to become a

so his boyfriend can run away without getting beaten up. None of this would

happened if that dyke Sarah had agreed to torture him. Don't call her that.

That's what she called Lindsay.

Yeah, only because she wishes I was.

She fancied you.

It's not everything, you know.

Ah, no wonder you've teared up.

Just think, there Ben was, dreaming of her, and all the time she's been at

cracking one up about you. You're all trapped in a wank triangle.

Hey, believe me, it wasn't a wank triangle. If anything, it was the wank

pyramid, with me at the top and him at the bottom.

Oh, I don't understand what your problem is. She was never going to go out with

you. All you were ever going to do is fantasise about her.

Now she's a lesbian, so that's even better.

You can still fantasise about her. But now, with another woman.

I suppose if we'd gone out, she'd just have fucked me over anyway.

So maybe it's better if she was a lesbian. Stop it!

Fucking lesbian!

Fucking lesbian!

Fucking lesbian!

Stop it!

Fucking lesbian!

I think she wants us to change the subject.

I don't know what she means. I don't ever want to see or think about another

person ever again.

You know what your problem is?

You're homophobic.

No, I'm not.

Prove it.

Kiss Bob.

Fuck off.

Why do I have to kiss Bob?

Can't I kiss Ben?

Me? Why do you want to kiss me?

Why can't you kiss Damien? It was his idea.

No, it wasn't. My idea was for him to kiss Bob.

I don't care.

I'm going to kiss you now.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0