All language subtitles for Teachers s04e03.eng

What if you're not at home?

What are you talking about?

When's the delivery of Mail Order Bride?

Do you think they'll leave her with a
neighbour?

You might have to go and collect her
from the depot. Fuck off.

You should be careful.

My mum got sent some smoked salmon once.
It was rancid by the time she picked it

up. You all think you're so fucking
funny, don't you?

And that is none of you wankers have got
girlfriends.

Or boyfriends.

Well, it is Gay and Lesbian Awareness
Week, after all.

Good idea.

Yeah, let's talk about something else,
shall we?

So, Gay and Lesbian Awareness Week.

Anyone aware of anyone gay?

Or lesbian?

Do you think you'll get a free gift with
your mail order, Brian?

Perhaps you'll come with complimentary
ping -pong balls.

Can't six grown -up, educated people
really not think of anything more

interesting to talk about?

I hope he's being sent registered post.

Then you can get your money back if
someone steals it.

How did he do that?

How did he pull someone between the pub
and home? We took a fucking taxi.

Perhaps she lives here. I've never been
into that room at the end of the

corridor.

Fucking hell.

Bastards!

Good morning.

You're all as excited as I am about Gay
and Lesbian Awareness Week.

We're very lucky to have been allocated
Sarah here from the Gay and Lesbian

Advisory Group as our resident...

Technical expert. I'm really just a
counsellor.

Sarah will be on hand to help you if you
come across any difficulties when you

all discuss gay and lesbian stuff in
your tutor groups.

I want the school to feel like a safe
place where boys and girls can come out

and... That is right, isn't it? Girls do
come out too, don't they? Or do they

have a different work?

No. Good.

The most important thing is I want the
pupils to feel that this school is

inclusive and supportive of everyone, no
matter how perverted their sexuality.

Shit.

I think I fancy her.

I never normally fancy anyone.

Is she fancyable?

I wouldn't know.

I'm engaged to be married.

You're not allowed to look at other
people's mail. You just can't open it.

is attractive.

No problem.

She's a lesbian.

She can't be.

Can she? I'm sure she's not.

Just because she works for the Gay and
Lesbian Advisory Group doesn't mean

a lesbian.

She said it herself. She's a counsellor,
not a technical expert.

I do hope I wasn't too encouraging.

You don't want to end up with hordes of
children rubbing each other up in the

boys' toilets, do we? Or the girls'
toilets.

Well, they're girls.

They don't... They don't have a... Do
they? So they can't.

Trust me, they can.

Of course they can.

Okay.

Time to put your money where your mouth
is.

One pound per name.

Whoever guesses the first person to come
out gets the pot.

I'll have a pound on Sarah.

I'm sorry.

Only permanent members of staff and
students are eligible.

I'll have a pound on Lindsay, then.

Bob? Oh, I don't know. Uh, Grint. Grint?

It's not like Grint's gay.

How do you know? It's obvious.

No, it's not.

In fact, the more I think about it, the
more I'm convinced that Grinty's gay.

Just because someone's fat and bald
doesn't make them gay, Bob.

You should know that.

Oh, very funny.

Doesn't mean I'm wrong.

You can't judge by appearances.

I mean, looking at you.

You'd never guess you were so desperate
for a shag you'd have to order a woman

out of a catalogue.

Then again... You know, you don't know
anything about anything. You wouldn't be

able to spot a gay person if they
were... Shagging you up the arse?

All right, that's fucking it. I'm going
to prove to you fuckers that Grint is

fucking gay, you fucking fuckers.

Just because someone likes someone else
of the same sex, it doesn't mean there's

something wrong with them.

I mean, the truth is, anyone could be
gay.

How about you?

People can't choose whether they're gay
or not, and they just are.

What kind of man do you think you'd go
for?

You're really not talking about me now.
Would it be someone younger than you?

It's similar to conventional vaginal
intercourse.

Only the man sticks his penis up the
other man's anus. The obvious benefit is

that there's no risk of pregnancy.

On the downside, however, the anus is
normally tighter than the vagina, so

there's a greater risk of tearing and
bleeding.

How's it all going? Slowly.

I've actually got a question myself.

I was thinking about what you said, and
I was wondering, what exactly is it that

they do?

What who do?

Lesbians.

How do they have sex?

Well, the same way as everyone else.

Go on.

Well, you know, by stimulating each
other's erogenous zones.

Right. Well, great.

That's all I wanted to know.

Is it Karen?

No.

What's that?

It's a weekday. A bitch.

You're just saying that because you know
I'm never going to be your bitch.

Actually, for your information, I've got
a boyfriend.

Really? How come I don't know about him,
then?

What's wrong with him?

Nothing.

Oh.

Why aren't you running around going, Oh,
look at me.

I've got a boyfriend.

I've found someone who hasn't worked out
what a vacuous, self -obsessed waste of

space I am.

Maybe because you just made him up. Or
maybe it's because it's none of your

business.

I think my tutor group might be too
stupid to be gay.

Mine just laughed in my face. Well, he
did.

She listened with your little cookery
boys must be gay.

Food technology is not a gay subject.

The clue's in the title.

Food technology.

Technologies are not gay.

Grint does cookery.

Haven't you been listening to me?

And more to the point, why the fuck are
you so obsessed with Grint being gay?

I'm not obsessed.

It just happens to be the truth.

If you ask me, you're obsessed with
Grint not being gay. Look, maybe we

just forget about it. I mean, does it
matter if... Don't fucking humour me.

not a fucking child. Grint is fucking
gay.

I'll tell you who I think is gay. Kayla.

That's obvious, isn't it? All gay people
have domineering parents.

Maybe we should ask our resident lesbian
expert.

Dad is not... It's like a pig falling in
love with a baby.

Maybe.

Hi.

Oh, it's strange, isn't it, life?

I mean, we're all men.

Well, all men are men.

And yet we're all different.

Some men are more manlike than others.
And some men are less. I wouldn't worry

about it.

Lots of middle -aged men who've been
dumped start to question their

I'm getting married, you fucking little
loser!

Come in.

Hi.

How's it going?

You want the truth?

I'm bored out of my fucking mind.

No one's so much as put their head round
the door.

Well, I was wondering if there was any
possibility.

I mean, I know we don't know each other
very well.

Oh, please don't come out.

It's bad enough when the kids do.

I wasn't going to come out. I couldn't
come out.

Not that it would be too difficult.

I just can't because I'm... in?

I mean... Would you like to come for a
drink?

Can I talk to you? Not if you're going
to take the piss.

No, it's a serious subject.

There are lots of kids out there who are
confused, who think there might be

something wrong with them. I know. I'm
one of them.

I think I might be gay.

My God, that's brilliant.

Congratulations.

And I'm so flattered you confided in me.

Well, I had to tell you. Well, you say
that, but most kids wouldn't have the

courage. There are plenty of adults who
have difficulty dealing with the whole

homosexuality thing. No.

I had to tell you.

Because I fancy you.

What the fuck? You're not joking, are
you? No. Right, good.

Well, not good, but fine, I suppose.

Are you sure?

Yes. Well, we should really talk about
this properly.

Right, cos I was looking at you in
class. Not now.

I mean, I don't think now's quite the
right time.

I'm not feeling very well at the moment,
so, um... Bob!

I've been looking for you.

We'll talk soon, OK?

What the fuck do you want?

How are you?

Well, I wouldn't worry about it. How are
you?

Some of us attract proper grown -up
women.

Some of us attract gay little boys.

Oh, um, maybe I should push print in
your direction.

How come it's always you?

It's not always him.

What is it about you that everyone goes
for? Not everyone goes for it. Yes, they

do. Even Penny tried to jump in. Which
reminds me, why am I sat here looking

your pure bickering when I could be
spending my evening with a real man?

Please don't shag him till he's done his
homework.

You must have said something to him.
What did you say? I didn't say anything.

I think you'll find that gay people have
a complex system of non -verbal

communication.

Did he stuff your penis through a hole
in the toilet?

Does Liz know about John?

No, I really don't think he wanted
anyone else to know.

Right, I'm going to put his name down on
the sweepstake.

No, please, just keep it to yourself.

Liz is probably watching Emmerdale now.

Let's ring her.

Oh, lesbian at 11 o 'clock?

If she was a lesbian, why would she have
accepted my invitation to her pub?

Because she wanted a drink. Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Don't worry about it.

Can I get you a drink?

Thanks. Paint?

I'd prefer a glass of white wine.

Oh, can you get me some crisps?

Procter? Ready to open.

So... Have John Simon been to see you?
He's one, apparently. He fancies you.

off duty.

Actually, even if I wasn't, I wouldn't
give a shit.

So what qualifications do you need for
getting a job on the lesbian advisory

group? The gay and lesbian advisory
group.

None, really.

It's all a bit of a doss, actually.

Isn't it a bit like being a
psychiatrist?

You know.

A psychiatrist has to have experienced
therapy... Don't be stupid.

It's nothing like being a psychiatrist.

That's like saying all psychiatrists are
mental.

Can I take this chair?

Yeah, sure.

Did you see the look she gave me?

It's not always you.

Well, there are hundreds of chairs in
this pub. Why do you think she chose

one?

Are you doing a Humphrey Bogart?

I don't know if she's desperate either.

She's not bad looking. She's gorgeous.

She was probably just admiring her in an
aesthetic kind of way.

I find some men gorgeous.

What men?

Morning.

How the fuck does he do it?

First woman from nowhere woman, then gay
boy, now chair woman.

I'm just as attractive as him.

Aren't I?

Don't ask me questions like that. I'm
confused enough as it is.

You don't find me attractive, but you
find other men gorgeous.

I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean to.

Well, of course you meant to. You shied
there because I told you you were fancy

there. It's what chickens do.

If there are two competing roosters...

First, they say you can shag the most
hens.

Then they fight.

Then the winning rooster buggers the
loser just to rub it in.

So you might have thought I was out of
her league.

Yeah, probably.

out tonight.

I just can't stop it. I just can't stop
it.

My friend.

So if you had to shag either John or one
of those two, which would it be?

I'm not answering that question.

Okay, well, if you can't choose between
them, then which would you shag first?

I won't be the first, you won't be the
last.

Did you have a good time last night?

What did you do after the pinball,
Wendy? We had a great time, thank you.

Anthony's a bit tired this morning...
Oh, Liz, I'll have a pound on Anthony

Millington being next.

You know, that feets boy in my tutor
group.

Anthony Millington's not a feat. I can't
think of a more masculine -looking man.

Don't you think he's a bit minty when he
walks?

Actually, I've heard he's got a very
attractive girlfriend.

Really? I bet he's rather butt. More of
a mother substitute than a girlfriend,

actually.

Only older.

If you're expecting me to take sides,
you're wasting your time.

I can't be bothered to decide which of
you I hate the most.

Actually, I wouldn't waste your money on
Anthony Millington.

I just wanted to say, keep up the good
work on the gay and lesbian front. I

some of it's a bit complicated, but I'm
sure everyone will get their heads

around it in the end.

And remember, if you've got any queries,
refer them to Sarah. No pun intended.

So, how are the children coping with the
whole erogenous zone thing?

Fine.

It's a funny word, isn't it?

It's erogenous.

I wonder what it means, exactly.

I've got no idea.

Probably Latin?

Yes, probably.

Latin.

Have you been telling people to put
Kayla's name down? What?

No, of course not.

Kayla's not like that.

That's exactly what I've been saying.

I mean, so what that she doesn't have
any male friends? She's only 12.

14.

14. Really?

And she still doesn't have a boyfriend.

Well, I'm sure it doesn't really matter.

Some women never have a boyfriend.

Nuns never have boyfriends.

So, what were we doing last lesson?

The romantics.

Right.

Well, I'm sure I told you romanticism
had nothing to do with romance.

Now, romanticism was all about the
expression of the self.

But what is the thing you wanted to
express about yourself to do with

Right, let's write a poem about that.

Just wondering if there's any chance of
making Frank Clifton Kayla's partner for

experiments and stuff. Sure.

Frank, do you want to make it to Kayla?

Of course.

That's right.

I'll talk to you now.

Now?

Now's not really a good time for me
because I've got to go somewhere now.

Please. Look, I'd really like to. It's
just... Clause 28. I can't. My hands are

tied. I'm sorry.

Why don't you talk to the woman from the
gay and lesbian advisory group?

Because it's not her I fancy.

Exactly. She should be the perfect
person to talk to.

She might be able to help you sort out
your... problem.

I wouldn't call it a problem.

Of course it's a problem.

It's paedophilia.

Only in reverse.

Can't you just have a quiet word with
him?

He has to come and see me of his own
accord.

I can't just go up to him and say, you
look gay, would you be interested in a

pamphlet on rimming?

I don't believe it.

Is he even lucky with lesbians?

You don't know she's a lesbian.

She could be bisexual.

You mean she's just pretending to be a
lesbian in order to what?

Get a reduction on some dungarees?

Think about it. What sort of person
would be the perfect counsellor for a

and lesbian advisory group?

A bisexual.

A bisexual would be able to look at the
situation from two different viewpoints.

She's told you she's a bisexual, has
she?

Maybe, miss her. It was a mouthful of
muff at the time.

OK, pretend I'm John.

OK, well,

John.

The thing is, I don't want to hurt you.
No, you can't say that.

I don't want to hurt you sounds as if
you're about to shag him, but you're

scared you'll damage him with your
massive cock.

Really? Look, say something like, I'm a
teacher, you're a pupil, it's out of the

question.

Until you're 16.

So, who's your favourite character in
The Wizard of Oz?

I quite like the lion.

Really? Oh, yeah. He's a friend of
Dorothy's, isn't he?

Are you a friend of Dorothy's?

She's a character in a film.

Yeah, look, the sooner you admit to
yourself that you are a fucking bender,

happier you'll be.

Face it, Ewan's just more attractive
than you.

What's your opinion?

No, it's the opinion of the entire staff
room. We took a poll.

Plus he came out as funnier, kinder and
more interesting than you.

And a better companion on a desert
island.

I abstain.

Of course, my ideal of an island
companion would be Luciano Pavarotti.

Once he got bored of singing, you could
eat him.

You could live off him for months.

Well, he'd be a bit fatter.

You could save the fat for the brand new
body if you decided to swim for it.

What if you couldn't swim?

Well, if you couldn't swim, you could
use his hollowed -out body as a boat.

Yeah, but what would you use for oars?

I could saw his legs off.

Oh, so now you've got a saw. Where did
that come from?

What do you think?

You'd really prefer to be on a desert
island with Ewan.

I can cook for fuck's sake.

Before we start, hands up anyone who's
also in one of Mr. Doherty's classes.

Okay, great.

Now keep your hands up if you find him,
I don't know, a bit dull.

You know, easy on the eye, but if you
spend too long with him, you'd soon

realise that he was a bit...

I said keep your hands up.

What about Heather Mills?

At least you'd have one all.

Yeah, but you'd just go round and round
in circles.

You'd need Long John Silver, too, who
might have useful shipwreck experience

well.

Oh, Sarah, there you are.

Did you find it?

No. I'll help you look for it, then.
Thanks.

I've just got one more question.

You know what you were saying about the
girl?

Why does that work? Because obviously
men and women just go... Mrs Hammond, do

you think you might be gay?

What?

Hi.

What are you doing in here?

I wanted to talk to you.

You shouldn't have come to see me in my
classroom.

You're never in your classroom.

Are you avoiding me?

What?

No. Why would I be avoiding you?

Because I fancy you.

I mean, you know how I feel about you,
but you still haven't told me how you

feel about me.

Well, I feel like you're a student and
I'm a teacher, so even if I did have

feelings for you, I... What if I change
schools?

I don't mind.

This one's crap anyway. That's not the
point.

The point is, you're at school and I'm a
teacher. I'll leave school.

I'm sorry, I'm just not gay.

Maybe you are.

I just don't realise it yet.

No, I really am not gay.

I mean, there's nothing about a man and
another man touching each other, putting

their bits into other men's bits.

And all that dancing.

And those musicals.

And that way they look at you if you go
into one of their pubs. Like, they want

to bend you over there and then and
just... I'm sorry, I wasn't talking

about you.

Your fat flatmate set me a multiple
choice to do this evening.

My fat flatmate's down the pub tonight.

So why don't you come over? We can nick
the uncle out of the room and then

relax.

I'm sorry, but your essay just wasn't
good enough.

You're going to have to do it again.

Thanks very much.

You could have said my essay was
brilliant.

Well, then she would have known I was
lying.

I thought you'd think she might realise
that you don't actually feed me.

I might as well have said that she'll be
gay.

You do that nice conceding sigh, doesn't
it, when someone really takes your

advice to heart?

Did you have to put your hand under my
arse? Did you have to put your big butt

out on my hand?

Probably already on his second bottle of
Paracetamol.

Talking of needy, attention -seeking
adolescents, where's Penny tonight?

She's... Having her legs waxed. It's not
just her legs, though, is it?

No, her arms.

Face? Face.

Has she got a moustache?

Moustache, sideburns, very hairy.

She's really pretty.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

They make a good couple.

That bloke she's with's quite good
looking, too.

No, he's all right.

I mean, he's sort of sexy in a way.

Don't you think?

Yeah, whatever you say.

Oh, what about him?

He's very sexy.

I think I almost prefer him to the other
one.

What do you think? Are you trying to
find out if I'm bisexual?

What? No, of course not.

Well, I'm not. I like men, but I
wouldn't want to shag one.

Or marry one, or live with one, or speak
to one.

Shit, maybe I'm a lesbian.

You'd make a good lesbian.

What do you mean by that?

Sorry? I didn't mean to offend you. No.

No, of course not.

Probably flattering.

I don't know what I'd do if he killed
himself.

Finally stopped talking about it.

What if he leaves a note blaming me?

Is that your name in the paper?

I mean, why couldn't I have just read I
already had a boyfriend or something?

Look, it's not like he's really in love
with you. Yes, he is.

You should have heard the way. No, he's
not. He just thinks he is. I'm just

going to have to try and talk to him.

He's still alive.

Or send his mum a lovely bunch of
flowers if he's not.

All right.

I'm not gay myself, but that doesn't
mean I can't, you know, give him some

advice. Because you've done a great job
so far.

I'm going to help him through this.

I'm going to be there to hold his hand.

I mean, not literally, obviously.

We can learn about what it means to be
gay in today's society together.

Ballet, opera.

Fine porcelain.

You could always work him off as a
gesture of goodwill.

What do you think she meant when she
said I'd make a good lesbian?

Perhaps she meant you'd make a good
lesbian.

Why did you say it though?

Well, you're fat.

Lesbians aren't all overweight.

Sarah's not.

Plus you smoke and you drink pints and
you have greasy hair.

My hair is not greasy.

Naturally, she is resistant.

Anyhow, Sarah doesn't smoke.

She drinks quite a lot.

Fair is not fat. Fair drinks white wine.

Fair is lovely.

Do you think Lindsay would make a good
lesbian?

Dunno. What is always going on about my
tits? That's not because I'm interested

in your tits.

It's because I'm interested in the law,
baby.

Don't look now, but I think you've got a
secret admirer.

That pervert.

Personality isn't everything.

But to admit, he's good looking.

He's got a spotty back.

How do you know that?

The past seats were his shirt.

is obsessed.

It's nice he's got an interest.

Five pounds.

No.

Ten pounds.

No.

Well, how much do you fucking want?

My sexuality doesn't have a price.

I wonder what else he puts down on his
CV under special skills, apart from

trying to turn children gay.

Swearing?

I call that more of a hobby. No.

Obviously things you do with your hands.

No, you don't. What about tap dancing?

Look, why don't I talk to him?

No, thanks, but he's my responsibility.

I have to do it.

I'm really sorry about the things that I
said yesterday.

There really isn't anything wrong with
being gay.

And loads of people are gay.

In fact, so many people are gay
nowadays, it's almost normal.

What I mean is, one in ten people are
supposed to be gay.

That means there are only two other gay
kids in your class.

Well, who are they? I don't know who
they are exactly.

I'm just saying you're not alone.

Well, I am if I don't know who else is
gay.

How am I supposed to find out?

When you first met me, Did he think
she'd make a good lesbian?

OK, so I was wrong.

Christ, does everyone have to take the
piss all the time?

Don't worry about him.

Liz,

do you think Lindsay'd make a good
lesbian?

You know what?

There's probably enough of her to make
two good lesbians.

Bob, what about you?

Can you see Lindsay as a lesbian?

Oh, half -fucking -half. Let's all take
the pith out of Bob, shall we? Bob

hasn't got a clue about anyone's sexual
orientation.

Wankers!

Oh, they missed a bit.

What are you talking about? In fact,
they missed the whole thing completely.

We told Liz why we went to the pub last
night.

About your hair removal.

Oh, yeah.

You should ask for your money back.

I have some good news.

We've managed to flush one out.

A gay boy, I mean.

Well done, Mr. Doherty.

What's his name again?

Oh, he hasn't really come out yet. John
Simon.

That's right.

John Simon.

Whoever he is.

Anyhow, please don't look on this as an
excuse to rest on your laurels. There

must be more of them still out there.

I'm only ever going to be attracted to
unobtainable women.

Lesbians. Close family members.

Inuit. Why did they stop calling them
Eskimos?

I don't know.

Maybe it's politically incorrect.

Maybe it means furry, fish -eating flat
-face in Inuit.

Who? I wonder what Inuit means in Inuit.

Were you attracted to me when we first
met?

What? No, of course not.

Well, then, you couldn't have thought I
was a lesbian?

Because if you'd thought I was a
lesbian, I would have been unobtainable,

you would have fancied me.

Or maybe I just wasn't attracted to you
because you're fat.

And you smoke too much.

And drink pints.

And your hair's a bit greasy. It's not
fucking greasy.

It's naturally freeze -resistant.

Claire. You.

You.

You're a biology teacher and a lesbian.
Will you please tell me, when you're in

bed with your lady friend, what is it
exactly that you do?

I'm not a lesbian.

I don't want to work it.

Hi.

You OK?

No. I can't find any one guy.

Well, I picked up some information for
you.

15. Some say that 15 past the root makes
the possibility of internal damage

higher. Oh, I didn't really get the
chance to look at them. Didn't feel very

welcome. Felching.

What's felching?

Spit roasting is when you're receiving
anal sex from one man whilst giving

another man a blowjob. I haven't even
met one gay person yet.

I'm not going to beat about the bush
anymore.

No offence.

Tell me what lesbians do.

Whatever it is, I'm sure I can stomach
it.

I've told you.

Yes, I know, but where exactly are the
zones?

Well, they could be anywhere.

For most women, the main erogenous zone
is the clitoris.

Could you draw me a diagram?

I've had an idea.

Oh, really?

Why don't you just think about someone
gay?

It doesn't have to be someone you know.
It could be someone on the telly or

someone you just admire.

And think about how they'd deal with
being gay.

Ian McKinnon? Yes. Well, he'd be a great
role model.

Will Young?

Or that bloke that was on his tenders
years ago?

Yes, any of those would be great.

Then all you have to do is muddle your
behaviour on that.

Although I think I saw that bloke from
EastEnders in the background of an Asda

commercial.

So we'll yell and they'll probably be
better.

You

know

what, sometimes teaching can actually be
quite a rewarding job.

Have you ever noticed how lots of gay
men have Christian names with their

George Michael, for example.

Boy George.

Elton John.

That's a shit theory. What about Ray
Charles?

Well, he's blind, so he may have had a
few gay experiences by mistake.

Nelson Mandela.

He's got a surname for a first name.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Well, he's heterosexual, so that proves
the theory.

You're a fucking idiot, you know that?

It's amazing how the job satisfaction
can make everything seem better.

Well, good for you. I'm actually looking
forward to going into work.

Then maybe you prefer to walk. Walk? The
pleasure.

I'm even looking forward to doing the
job.

Sorry.

Don't worry about it.

I really feel like I've made some kind
of breakthrough in my teaching.

Fuck!

What the hell are you doing?

Well, I thought I'd dress down today
because I've got chemistry this

and I didn't want to make my good
clothes up. Why are you talking like

Talking like what? Like that!

That's how we talk.

That's not how Ian McKellen talks.

Do I look like Ian McKellen?

Just go home now and change.

I'll cover for you.

I've got some silver hot pants I could
put on. Would I do?

It's amazing how much more feminine a
bit of make -up can make you look.

What?

What are you saying? I wear make -up.

What? If I wore more make -up, I
wouldn't look like a lesbian?

No, you're right. It wouldn't work.

I'd probably look more like a transbeth.

They're going to beat the shit out of
you. My last name's not really my thing,

but I'll try anything once. All right,
they're going to kill you.

As long as you don't give me mouth -to
-mouth afterwards.

Honestly, I don't know what I ever saw
in you, apart from a vague resemblance

the lies of Nellie, a tranquilizer
phase.

Finally don't get one.

The clubhouses in the school are too big
anyway.

Due to information I've just received,
I'm cancelling Gay and Lesbian Awareness

Week. What information?

Believe me, you don't want to know.

Oh, it's nice to see two girls so close.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You're 14.

You should have had at least one
pregnancy scare by now.

Look.

Don't you think it's about time you
showed a bit more interest in boys?

No. Okay.

Let's put it like this, then.

If someone doesn't come to me at the end
of the day and say, Oh, I see Kayla's

got a boyfriend, then I'm going to sit
next to you every day at lunch, I'm

to kiss you publicly at every
opportunity, I'm going to tell all your

that you still wear a training bra with
tissues stuffed in it.

Think about it.

It's either 30 seconds of humiliation
now, or all day, every day, for the rest

of your life.

So which aim was that about?

The fact that he's going to get killed,
or the fact that he dumped her.

Can I have a private word with you?

Yeah, of course.

If I love you, why would I want to talk
to you?

Yeah, sure.

Let's go over here and have a look. No,
you can't. You've got a lesson.

Catch you later, then.

Please, just don't do anything to draw
attention to yourself.

Can anyone tell me anything about
Shelley?

Oh, me, sir. Me, sir.

Me, sir.

Isn't she Barbie's little sister?

Stop that!

It's disgusting!

You see, this is exactly why I pulled
the plug.

You tell people how to do it and
suddenly everyone wants to have a go.

She's got no qualifications.

She admitted it herself. It's just a
doctor.

She doesn't even know what she's talking
about.

Exactly. What possible help would she be
to anyone?

Especially to a woman who looks like a
lesbian but claims she isn't.

Oh, dear.

You two still not talking to each other?

You'll feel awful if you get beaten to
death before you get a chance to get

make -up.

I'm not interested in Mr. Garrick
anymore.

Very sensible.

You don't know where he's been.

So I'm all yours.

What would you like to do to me?

Can I ask you a question?

It's not about clitoris, is it?

No. I was just wondering.

The other day when you said I'd make a
good lesbian, was it because of that?

No.

Was it?

Something to do with my hair, then?

No, although your hair is a bit greasy.

If you leave it long enough, it starts
to loosen itself.

Look, when I said you'd make a good
lesbian, I meant it as a compliment.

Because, funnily enough, being one
myself, I actually think it's quite nice

be a lesbian.

It makes interesting reading, doesn't
it?

Particularly the school psychologist's
report.

I'm sure you wouldn't want a copy of
that posted on the notice board.

Hey, I'll do it.

What are we looking at?

So no one wants to talk to him. I'm not
surprised.

Fucking pervert. Just hold on a moment.

Ah, here he comes.

What's wrong with him?

I'm surprised to hear you talk like
that.

There's nothing wrong with being gay.

What have you told him to do?

A good teacher doesn't tell. He
inspires.

He lights the flame.

Whatever it is you told him to do, I'm
going to stop him. You like that, I'm

afraid.

It's like a trick of perspective.

It's either Kayla and Grint close up
or...

Bob and Liz far away.

Grinch still wets his bed.

No wonder you don't have a girlfriend.

Better not have turned me gay.

Oh, shit. What are they doing now?

They're moving in for the kill.

Come on.

No way.

He listened to you. He liked you.

Yeah, but only in a... I want to molest
you sort of way.

As far as I'm concerned, you deserve it.

I've never liked Queen.

I'll kill him myself if he starts
singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

Leave him alone.

Hey!

Well, that's just typical.

As soon as somebody else is interested,
suddenly you're clean again.

Look, I'm not keen.

I just don't want to see you getting
your head kicked in.

Well, I wouldn't waste your time
worrying about me. You've got enough

of your own.

What problems?

Well... You've got a cock that looks
like a gherkin for starters.

What?

It looks like a gherkin.

No, you're right. It's a bit small for a
gherkin.

It could be one of those tiny cocktail
ones, though.

How can a cock look like a gherkin? You
know, small, shriveled, green.

You've never seen my cock.

Adds to your bollocks.

Oh.

You've definitely never seen my
bollocks. Or my cock.

No greater love can one man show for
another man than to become a

so his boyfriend can run away without
getting beaten up. None of this would

happened if that dyke Sarah had agreed
to torture him. Don't call her that.

That's what she called Lindsay.

Yeah, only because she wishes I was.

She fancied you.

It's not everything, you know.

Ah, no wonder you've teared up.

Just think, there Ben was, dreaming of
her, and all the time she's been at

cracking one up about you. You're all
trapped in a wank triangle.

Hey, believe me, it wasn't a wank
triangle. If anything, it was the wank

pyramid, with me at the top and him at
the bottom.

Oh, I don't understand what your problem
is. She was never going to go out with

you. All you were ever going to do is
fantasise about her.

Now she's a lesbian, so that's even
better.

You can still fantasise about her. But
now, with another woman.

I suppose if we'd gone out, she'd just
have fucked me over anyway.

So maybe it's better if she was a
lesbian. Stop it!

Fucking lesbian!

Fucking lesbian!

Fucking lesbian!

Stop it!

Fucking lesbian!

I think she wants us to change the
subject.

I don't know what she means. I don't
ever want to see or think about another

person ever again.

You know what your problem is?

You're homophobic.

No, I'm not.

Prove it.

Kiss Bob.

Fuck off.

Why do I have to kiss Bob?

Can't I kiss Ben?

Me? Why do you want to kiss me?

Why can't you kiss Damien? It was his
idea.

No, it wasn't. My idea was for him to
kiss Bob.

I don't care.

I'm going to kiss you now.

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