All language subtitles for Teachers s03e13

I bet you two have had a quick log just
to see what it's like. Fuck off. After

12 pints, Kate probably looked quite
attractive.

Fuck off. Same height as the girl. And
he's a pervert.

He'd probably do things most other girls
wouldn't do. I'm not a fucking pervert.

I just like women. And what is it you
like about women exactly?

Apart from the fact that you can't have
one.

Lots of things, actually. I like them
because...

Shit. Basic instinct, all right.

Fuck.

Missed it, haven't we? No. Not a 35
-minute thing.

Do you think we should have tried this,
though?

They're grown -ups now.

Let them find out for themselves what
was on last night.

Oi!

You're round.

Have you ever tried nogging a woman?

Please, just leave me out of your sexual
fantasies. I've snogged a bloke once.

In fact, I've had quite a few homosexual
experiences.

I was the one from the public laboratory
in Runcorn.

Stop! Do you really have to tell me all
the sordid details of your private life?

I'm not a bloke, you know. I know you're
not.

OK, go on.

Tell me about your homosexual
experience.

No, it's OK. It wasn't anything.

Can only last us about a minute anyhow.

Won't take you too long to tell me then.

I'm not telling you.

Why? Are you worried I might think
you're gay?

Why? Are you worried I might be?

No.

Oh, yum!

This is your bag. You had the
fishburger.

I am blue.

Yeah, yeah.

I think we did.

Why did that happen?

You know, I'm not entirely sure.

I'm really sorry about last night.

I was very drunk.

Christ, not as drunk as I was.

Actually, I was probably a little
drunker. I'd had eight pints. I'd had

and I was sick, in a bucket. Really?

But I didn't manage to make the bucket.
Well, I very nearly didn't. Whatever.

I'm really sorry.

Can we pretend it didn't happen?

What didn't happen?

So, everything's normal?

Everything's normal.

Great.

Aye. It's not fair.

What's not fair?

How come she's allowed to bring a
boyfriend into school? What are you

about? He works here.

Anyhow, you haven't got a girlfriend to
bring into school.

That's right.

Good morning, everyone.

I've been thinking about boys.

As we all know, boys are
underperforming.

academically.

This, according to a new research
document from the Education Authority,

because boys are emotionally repressed.

Which, quite frankly, I could have told
them for nothing.

Anyhow, if we can demonstrate that we're
trying to do something about it, we

might be able to apply for a grant.

I'd ask you all to take every
opportunity to encourage the boys to

feelings.

Something male members of staff might
benefit from trying to.

I'm sure you don't want us women
thinking there's only one thing we're

What a load of fucking shit.

Oh, hold on. It's working. I'm feeling
better already.

I'm expressing my feelings.

The one thing we're good for, the one
thing I'm thinking of.

I think I preferred her when she was a
man. Don't worry about her. She just

hasn't got her HRP dosage.

Quite right, Bette.

I think it's a great idea. The world
would be a much better place if men

about their feelings.

Don't you think, Max?

What? Oh, yes.

So what do we think the juice that
Oberon sprinkles into Titania's eyes

symbolises?

Love. No. But it's squeezed from a
flower called love and idleness.

Well, I don't care. It's not love, OK?

It's love.

Titania. No.

that Bottom is a great big fat
mechanical, but she can't help lusting

Are you sure it's not love, sir, in the
textbook I've got? Shut up.

And what would you say separates human
beings from other animals?

Fences.

Human beings drive cars.

This is a biology lesson. I was thinking
of something a little more biological.

Is it something to do with emotion?

No. It's self -awareness.

That's what separates us from other
animals. We don't just do things

instinctively.

We are able to control our biological
urges.

Good morning.

You telling me?

Why, what happened?

Well... I've got this really annoying
kid in my year -round English class.

really annoying.

Why is he so annoying?

In what way?

Well, he asks a lot of questions for a
start.

What kind of questions?

Well... What happened last night?

Did they... Oh,

no.

She's waiting for the fourth date.

According to the method, that way you'll
respect them all.

Do you know what would really make me
respect a woman?

She shagged me before we'd even had a
date.

See you later, then.

Yeah.

Sorry. Do you want me to go?

It's off date already.

Are you thinking of spending it in the
toilet?

You must know...

You

must

know I think I might be falling in love
with him. What are you going on about?

You've only just met him. Well, it
doesn't matter how long you've known

When did you last have sex?

You know when I last had sex.

With Matt.

Exactly. A couple of months ago, you're
gagging for it?

I've lost your feeling of love.

How could you possibly know what I'm
feeling?

I teach biology, remember?

Bob, have you seen Mr Chong?

No, but he did encourage us all to
express our feelings.

He didn't enjoy his lunch, so...

Maybe he's strangling a dinner lady. No,
Mr. Tom. Mr. Tom.

I've been meaning to talk to you about
this.

Scott,

you two coming down the pub?

Yeah, of course.

I always go down the pub. Yeah, me too.
It's Tuesday.

We always go on Tuesdays, don't we?
Yeah, and then we normally get something

eat. Well, I don't. Normally.

No, you don't normally.

Right.

So you are coming down the pub. There's
none.

What are you having?

I'll have a pint of shandy.

Lemonade's just as fattening, you know.

Had a bit too much to drink last night.

Did the harm to me, thank you.

Got the marketing to do later.

I can tell you for nothing, if you think
it's going to be any more fun sober,

you're wrong.

Tried the same thing with sex once.

Where are you going?

Slash.

If that's all right by you.

So, how's your day been? Fine.

Normal. How was yours?

What did you say?

What did you get up to, then?

Teaching mostly.

Me too.

You're not a teacher by any chance, are
you? Well, you make the fucking

conversation, then.

All right.

So you're going on holiday this summer?

It's even worse.

Not easy.

Not with you acting so weird.

Me? You're the one who's being weird.

Not as much as you. It's because
everything is fucking weird.

Well, whose idea was it to pretend it
wasn't?

Yours.

So what do you suggest we do, then?

Well, if the only conversation we can
make is, you're being mental, you're

mental -er, then maybe we should just
avoid each other for a bit.

Keep out of each other's way until the
whole thing calms down a bit. Fine by

Well, I'll be going then. No, it's all
right. I'm going.

No, I want to. Well, no, you won't.

Yeah?

Look, it's cold.

Do you want to lift? We're supposed to
be avoiding each other. Do we have to

start now?

Yes.

Oh. OK, bye.

See you tomorrow.

But hopefully not, obviously.

I can't get rid of you!

Patrick and I went out for a meal last
night. It was a disaster.

All I could think about was, do I want
to spend the rest of my life with this

man, or just a couple of minutes down a
dark alley?

Where did you two disappear to last
night?

I'm really big, but there's still only
one of me.

I had a bit of a fit, I went home.

You could have said you were going.

People thought I had imaginary friends I
was trying to buy around for. Yeah.

And I had to drink your shandy.

Is it the mental image of her with piss
dribbling out of his tiny penis? Of

course it fucking wasn't. I told you.
They must have had an argument about

something. Did you have an argument?
Penny can't decide if she's in love with

Patrick or just wants to sleep with him.
Why did you tell them that? Why don't

you just tell the whole school?

It's all right. It's only Brian and
Kurt.

They're not going to tell anyone. They
haven't got any other friends.

Tell who what?

Apparently Penny can't decide whether
she's in love with Patrick or she just

wants to shag him senseless. Are you
showing any of the signs?

Signs of what?

Of being in love.

You know, eating like an anorexic,
giggling like a schoolgirl, prancing

like you're God's gift to men.

Oh, I forgot.

You do those all the time anyhow.

And smelling nicer.

When people are in love, they normally
smell nicer.

Pupils are supposed to get bigger too.

What? If you fancy someone and you look
into their eyes, your pupils are

supposed to get bigger.

Isn't that right?

I wouldn't know.

I mean...

Not in the syllabus.

Is that true?

I thought everyone knew that.

Hey, Matt.

Did you know if you fancy someone and
you look into their eyes, your pupils

larger? Really?

See? Matt didn't know that either. And
he reads books even when he doesn't have

to.

Here's the book. I brought it in.

Look. It says it symbolises love. Right
there.

Well, that's wrong. Or it might be
misprint or something.

Why would anyone love bottom? Because
he's funny. He's good company. He's a

of rough. It's not going to work out,
though, is it?

She's queen of the fairies.

And he's just a big lump.

Plus, he's married.

Where does it say, Watson's married?

I'm not hiding from anyone. I just...

Sometimes it's good to spend a bit of
time on your own.

What are you doing here anyhow?

What?

Hi.

Ethan,

coming for a quick smoke then?

I'll come. Not for me, thanks.

I'm trying to cut down. Why?

Apparently smoking's bad for you. It's
never bothered you before? Well, it

bothers me now. Yeah, but it's probably
too late now, though, isn't it?

If I were you, I'd just enjoy what
little time I had left.

All right.

Suit yourself.

Bob,

I wonder if you could give me a hand
with something.

I'm a bit busy at the moment. Can't you
get Max or someone to help? No.

Do you know what?

In the classroom earlier, your pupils
got bigger when Liz walked past.

Well, yours got bigger when Carol walked
past.

Well, yours got bigger when that dinner
lady with a colt still walked past.

Well, yours got bigger when... When did
this get bigger?

Oh, er, I don't know, when, er, Mr. Tong
walked past.

What's the funny about that?

That's just racist.

Aren't you saying Kurt's gay? No, she's
not.

She just couldn't think of anything
else. That was shit.

Think of something else. If I could
think of something else, I would have

something else. Well, Matt would have
been able to think of something else.

Yeah. I bet he could have thought of
something really great.

Well, then you should have asked Matt.
Well, we couldn't, could we? Because

not here. Where is he?

I'm trying to cut down on smoke.

Selfish bastard.

Dave, what are you doing up here?

What are you doing up here?

I came up here to be alone.

Yeah? Well, so did I.

So, what's the matter?

Nothing's the matter.

You think I don't recognise a teacher
who needs to talk when I see one.

You people only come to me when you've
got a problem you can't share with the

others. OK.

OK.

I give in.

You can be alone.

Just a little bit higher.

Perfect.

So, why aren't you sitting next to the
lover boy, then?

I'm not telling you anything. It's a
private matter between me and Patrick.

She can't work out if she loves you, or
she just wants your cock.

If it's love, I'd steer well clear if I
were you. Love only fucks everything up.

One moment, everything seems fine.

The next, you're sleeping in your car,
living off half -chewed cheese strings,

discarded by some adolescent with gun
disease.

Exactly. Of course, you could just go
over there and try talking to him.

Well, I do.

Look, if I'd have wanted your advice, I
would have asked for it, OK?

I'm doing the method.

What do you say?

Not that I give a shit, but I could do
with a laugh.

In your heart of hearts, you'll know
when you know.

It's helpful.

To be honest, I'm still clear of sex,
too, particularly with a colleague.

It's one to start off with, of course,
but when the graffiti starts appearing

the toilet, Bob's done it, doggie
fashion, with Liz.

And you start getting childish
sniggering behind your back.

It just doesn't seem worth it.

Not for 40 or 50 orgasms.

That's what I've always said.

No, you haven't. Yes, I have. I just
kind of said it out loud.

Said what out loud?

About the orgasms?

That it would be a mistake to have sex
with a colleague.

Or get involved in any way at all.

It would be a mistake to have sex with a
colleague.

What's happened to him?

I mean, that's like saying there's more
to life than shagging.

Who says that?

I don't know.

Sounds familiar, though, doesn't it?
Yeah.

What, women?

Yeah, that's right.

Must have had a row with his wife.

We should do a men's problem page or
something.

All right. This afternoon, we're going
to be discussing...

What are you doing?

The lesson's only just started.

Can't catch the bus.

Well, you've just had lunch. Not that
bus.

What, you can't? No. I think I can
sleep.

Ah, cool.

It's Wednesday.

Fuck it.

All

right.

Fine, thanks.

We're men, eh?

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure I understand the question.

All relationships have their ups and
downs.

Have you had a fallout with Kurt? Once
you've found the right woman for you,

you've got to stick with her through
thick and thin.

What are you talking about, Brian?

Haven't you had a row with your wife?

Kurt said you had.

I was very perceptive of him.

That's what I thought, too. Well, I was
very perceptive of you as well.

But, um, it really is my problem,
though.

All right.

I'll just say this, then.

I'm sure you're both regretting what's
happened.

And lucky.

You're a wreck.

It would be obvious to any idiot that
you're Midna.

And if she's got anything, she's missing
you too, because you're a

great bloke.

So you two are just going to have to sit
down and talk about it.

Okay?

So, you two coming down the pub, then?
Yes. Why do you always ask? Of course

they're coming down the pub. They always
come down the pub. Well, I'm coming

anyhow. What about your wife and kids?

What about them?

Well, shouldn't you be spending an
evening with them?

Yeah.

Oh, no, it's all right. I've sorted all
that out now. When?

Earlier.

Thanks. But I thought you had some
marking to do. I don't know. What, all

I'm amazed. There was a fuck of a lot,
and I got the impression it had been

piling up. Look, marking's unimportant
when you compare it to a man spending

quality time with his wife and kids.

I mean, if you don't want to spend time
with your family... I'm going down the

pub, all right?

Yeah, well, so am I.

Great. So we're all going down the pub,
then, as usual.

You're in love with Lindsay.

No, I'm not.

Am I? No, of course not.

Am I?

No.

Fuck.

It would never work out.

We're too similar.

In...

Hype.

I thought we were supposed to be
avoiding each other.

Why should I be the one who doesn't go
to the pub?

Because you ain't preferred.

I had to play stupid games with Brian
and Kurt, which apparently I'm not as

at as you, anyhow.

What was the idea to avoid each other in
the first place?

Mine, but you went along with it. Yeah,
but it was your idea.

You've said that already.

Well, it was.

Well, at least I can admit that it was
my stupid idea.

Well, I'd have admitted it if it was my
stupid idea.

We're going to have to talk this
through, aren't we?

Yep.

What?

What are you doing?

No, nothing. Go away.

No. Fuck off!

You start.

I'm not starting. You start. I'm not.

All right, all right, all right. I
start.

The other night, I did. You know when we
were really drunk? I did, for a moment.

And I know we were both really tired,
too, of course.

But I did think.

God, I was drunk.

Did I tell you I threw up? Yeah, well, I
did, didn't I?

Anyhow, I did think for a moment.

And like I say, the alcohol might have
had something to do with it, but I did

think for a moment I had feelings for
you.

I know.

Sorry. I just... I'm trying to be
honest.

Maybe I've got brain tumour or
something.

I can't believe you're doing this.

Doing what?

Stop it.

OK.

After everything you've told me about
all the women you've seduced, and now

you're trying it on with me?

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

You're trying to make me have feelings
for you by saying that you've got

feelings for me. Is that what you think
I'm doing? I know it's what you're

fucking doing. You've told me all about
it.

In fact, I could write a fucking book on
your... Pitiful attempts to shag your

way through every school you've ever
taught in. Right. Well, if that's what

think I'm doing, then obviously that
must be what I'm doing. Well, it is what

think you're doing. Fine.

Then that's what I'm doing.

I'm completely humiliating myself by
trying to convince you that I have

for you when actually I just haven't
done a fat girl before and I want to

you off my list.

Well, at least you admit it. Well, if
you're so clear about it, how can I not?

Well, I am.

So stop it.

Anything? No.

What about me?

No. You don't think there's such a thing
as tits that are too big, do you?

Oh, Miss.

You know.

They were only kissing. What's wrong
with you?

Nothing. What's wrong with you?

Nothing. In fact, everything's
brilliant.

Aren't you going to ask me why? Why?

I slept with Patrick yesterday.

Oh, and it was when we had a little
date. Oh, very.

I had to find out.

And I felt exactly the same afterwards.

So it must be love.

How does he feel about you?

He loves me too.

How do you know?

Because he told me.

I'm sure he can just tell you that and
get his leg over. He told me afterwards,

actually.

I don't believe it. Who does she think I
am, the fucking caretaker?

Anybody seen my screwdriver?

Here it is. Oh, thanks.

Oh, fuck!

You feel pathetic.

Hey, Patrick, mate.

I hear congratulations are in order.

Do you mind if I ask you a personal
question?

Well, I suppose that depends on how
personal. Do they stick out when she's

down, too?

Or do they, you know, look in different
directions? Don't worry.

That wasn't the question.

Yeah, but it was mine. I just wondered
if you thought there was such a thing as

tits that were too big.

Good morning.

Morning. It's all right. That was just
an ordinary good morning. It wasn't an

hour to shag you good morning.

Hey, there's no need to feel bad at all.

It didn't work last night, so what?

With your bad luck, I can drink more
than most girls before I lose my

Has anyone seen Nub? I mean, Bob.

What if our eyes don't dilate for
anyone?

Don't worry. It just means we've got
very high standards.

Anyhow, it's not so bad having small
pupils.

It's got to be better than being a sad
old lech who pupils dilate whenever they

see anything even vaguely female.

If you count yourself lucky, you've both
got big little eyes.

Yeah, but if you are a sad old lech and
you want to get lucky, then having big

pupils can help.

Really? How?

They make you more attractive to women.

What, you mean big eyes means big?
They've done a study with twins. Twins?

Fucking excellent. One with dilated
pupils and one without. And everyone

the one with the big pupils most.

So what happens to the one with smaller
pupils?

If no one else wants her, I'll have her.

Fancy you knowing that.

As you might imagine, I've done the
field work.

So, which is it?

Straight ahead or... One to each side
when he lies down. I'm not going to

that question.

Well, did you look?

The classroom's that way. So?

I'm not going to your letter. I've got
better things to do.

That's good.

You're being honest.

You're expressing your feelings.

It's just what Mrs Hunter wants.

Boys to express their feelings.

Whatever. Just get out of my way.

Do you really think he said it just
because he wants to sleep with me again?

In my experience.

Actually, why am I asking you? I don't
care what you think.

Afternoon, lady.

That doesn't necessarily mean I want to
sleep with you. If you're going to fancy

one, though, I've got three lessons this
afternoon.

I just have to believe that all men
aren't the same.

So why are you sitting with Patrick?

It's none of your business.

She thinks he might be one of those
blokes who'll just say anything to get

leg over.

Or maybe she's one of those women who
jumps to conclusions.

Ooh, a man tried to talk to me. He must
want to have sex.

Hey, I am here, you know.

So, Lysander is after Helena.

But whatever he says, Helena thinks he's
taking the... Which must really fucking

get to Lysander after a while.

Though he doesn't show it.

Much.

You're going to have to stand up to him
one day.

No, I'm not.

He's leaving in a couple of years.

Your own self -esteem.

Can't you stand up for my self -esteem
for me?

I once

poked myself in the eye with a javelin.

When I went to hospital, they gave me
some eye drops and I had my pupils

Have you got any javelins in your
cupboard?

There are easier ways of attracting a
woman, you know.

Pull out here with enough alcohol, for
instance, and she'll snog anyone.

Yeah, but there's an obvious flaw in
that plan.

When you offer to barm their first
drink, they're sober.

So they'll refuse.

Or you could approach the problem from
the other direction.

Drink enough alcohol yourself and you
won't mind getting off with any alcohol.

Yeah, but then you can't remember doing
it the next day.

If only.

You could always get a job as a
satellite dish installer.

Go around people's houses when their
husband's out and shag their wives.

There's no way I'm shagging your life.

I mean, out of respect for you.

Well, this is a pleasant surprise.

Do you come here often?

No, not very often.

There's days occasionally when the pub
we normally go to is closed.

Well, it's my lucky evening then, isn't
it?

So, what's everyone having to drink?

Actually, we're just... Yeah, that pub
we normally go to is just about to open

again.

Oh, shit.

Ready open.

Matt? I'd love one. Yeah, just the one,
though. Don't want to overdo it. I might

regret it afterwards.

Don't worry, I'll make sure you don't.

Come on, Bob. You can help me carry
them.

So, have you tried it on with her yet?

Well, I did try the, uh...

Good morning, chat that line, but
strangely she never seemed to pick up on

Have you ever had a proper woman friend?

One who you haven't tried to shag? Not a
good -looking one.

Are you calling me good -looking?

No, of course not. You're just a big fat
blob.

And that sometimes works, doesn't it,
the director forage? Don't you get it?

Why would I want to shag a big fat blob
if I didn't?

There's no point.

No, you don't get it.

You know I know you've got multiple
shagging disorder, so there's no way I'd

even think about hunting you if I hadn't
gone completely fucking mental.

Unless you just thought I was great.

No, it's definitely the going mental
thing.

We're off.

And, by the way, he said it because he
meant it, so in the future, don't try

give me any advice because you're not
very good at it.

Maybe we should go, too.

Good idea.

Where are they?

Oh, don't worry about them. All the more
for us.

By the way, did I mention the bulb in my
porch is gone?

What's the matter?

Brandon. Did he break in?

No. I had a dream about him.

I was in his IT class. He said I was
being cheeky. I wasn't.

He made me come to the front of the
class.

And down in front of everybody.

All right, then.

Just for tonight, then.

Thank you.

No, we can't. No, you're right.

This is a fucking nightmare.

You're telling me.

You're married.

You've got kids.

I know.

I'm really like your wife. So do I.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

We can't give in to it, though. No,
you're right.

We're going to have to fight it.

We're not just going to have to fight
it. We're going to have to kill it.

What if we can't?

We've got to.

We're going to kill it.

then dismember it and bury it.

We're going to cut it up into tiny
pieces so that even if a dog digs one of

up in 35 years, no one will be able to
figure out what it was.

Nice plan.

You're right.

I've got a jaw. Oh, fuck, you know. If
you tell anyone, why the fuck would I

tell anyone? Do you think I'm mad?

Well, maybe it's just a phase.

Isn't it a beautiful day?

Sometimes I don't think we take enough
time just to stop, look around and

appreciate the beauty of everything
around us.

Everything can be beautiful if you look
at it the right way.

Even you.

I had great sex with Jessica last night.

Maybe you'd help if you said my wife.

I had great sex with my wife last night.

Nope. You don't make me hate you.

Do you get too jealous?

Do you? No, I don't.

I don't have your boyfriend, do I?

Yes, we did have sex. Four times. Once
in the porch, twice in the kitchen, and

once involving most of the contents of
the fridge.

It was great.

Did you know she can still do the
splits?

Listen to my horoscopes.

You don't believe in horoscopes. Your
love life is heading for a new low.

Look at yours.

Romance is no longer on the agenda.

I'll get to that.

You've definitely done it.

He wants to take me out to lunch. He's
got something important he wants to ask

me.

I think we might be skipping straight to
chapter five. Have a look at mine. No.

He doesn't believe in horoscopes. So do.
No, he doesn't.

I just wanted to say, I know I
encouraged you to get the boys to talk

their feelings, but I'd like you to stop
now.

The number of boys off sick with
emotional problems has doubled.

And on a personal level, if I have to
read another whinging sick note, I'll

myself. So from now on, our watchword is
repression.

And if anyone has any problems with
that, they can keep them to themselves.

Maybe she fell off a horse.

She doesn't give a damn about the boys
anymore because now she's tasted her

real. She wants to see you in her
office.

Really?

Are you okay, sir?

We're not fucking gay.

We're just flatmates.

And you're under tension tonight.

You do know that horrors are a complete
bollocks, don't you? Yes, of course I

do. Then why bother to read them out?
Because I'm graphing fucking straws

Anyhow, what the fuck are you doing to
help the situation?

Perhaps if you didn't use the word fuck.

Wanted me? Yes.

I'll have to redo this.

It's shoddy.

Are you sure that's all?

Surely.

I'm not fucking gay, all right? I didn't
say anything.

That's it!

How about I fuck enough of you?

No one calls me gay.

You're fucking gayer than I am. And
you're going to Mrs. Fucking Hunter now.

Now!

So you're not gay.

I always thought you and Brian... Fuck
off.

It's all right with women these days.

Fucking toy boy.

I fuck you and then I forget you.

Well, fuck them. I'm not fucking through
with them.

I'm fed up with being treated as if I
was just an enormous great fucking knob.

I don't change my underwear every day.

I check to see if my underwear is clean
by sniffing it.

I never finished telling you about my
homosexual experiences, did I?

I was having a piss in this public
toilet and running... Shut up!

Maybe this isn't the best place.

I get a real itch from smelling my own
earwax.

You know how fat people have folds in
their skin?

Well, one time, the two sides of one
fold began to grow together and I had to

have an operation to separate them.

Oh, you.

When did it happen?

It didn't. I was making things up.

Weren't you?

Yeah, of course.

No, actually, I wasn't.

No, it was my fault.

You shouldn't have done that.

I think it might have helped, you know,
to get it out of our system.

Yeah, I think it has.

Maybe that was all we needed to do, was
just, you know, sober in the cold light

with the stationery cupboard.

In fact, it definitely has.

I don't feel anything now.

Neither do I.

So, we'd better get out of here before
anyone catches us in here.

Right.

Actually, just the things are
completely, you know, clear between

lying in there.

About the earwax.

Not the earwax, the whole...

That's better. It's got it on my system
thing.

Me too.

If it was worse, it's over.

I mean better.

Oh, or do I mean worse?

Both, I think.

Don't worry about them. They're probably
just talking about fishing.

There's nothing private anymore.

Well, can Claire really do the split?

And a crab.

Where's Patrick?

Don't know.

You split up?

Why?

You seemed so... Looked like you had a
long tongue.

It just wasn't working.

You mean he wasn't very good at sex?

No, that's not what I meant.

What, you weren't very good at sex? No.
What then?

He just went a bit odd.

Like, daring at my chest, like.

And offering me weird questions.

He started to remind me of you.

Do you think it's something about
working in IT?

Questions.

They weren't about which way.

You see?

Obviously the only thing that ever
interested him in me were my breasts.

His pupils weren't really huge when he
looked at you.

So? So, if your pupils dilate, it means
you fancied someone.

Well, clearly it doesn't mean that.

Well, what would it mean?

Maybe it was dark.

Maybe he'd had too much coffee. Maybe he
was on heroin. I don't know. The one

thing it doesn't mean is that he fancied
me.

That's the best fucking news I've ever
heard.

Let's celebrate.

Wait.

Isn't any clothes tight?

I stood up to Brandon.

What did you do?

I called him gay.

Nice one.

What did she say?

She told me to apologise to him.

Did you?

Yeah. I didn't mean it.

Good for you, mate.

Have we tried everything?

Maybe if you punch me.

No, I'm not punching you.

Okay, then I'll punch you.

Okay, if you think it'll help.

I'm not punching you. You'd probably
like it.

I love you.

You're like a great big, brushy,
puffy...

Buddy.

Buddy.

I love you.

Why? No.

Bob. Yeah?

Your wife's a fucking bitch. Fuck you!

Do not turn your wacky ears down.