Original subtitles

Shit. Pretend you haven't seen him.

Has that always been there, or was it a general knowledge machine before?

No, I really can't remember.

Best of change for a worthy cause?

Piss off.

Oh.

Who's that?

You don't think that was maybe just a tiny bit rude?

They come in here, spoiling our fun, begging for cash.

What's it going to be used for?

Buying soup and blankets for the homeless.

Buying tambourines and trombones for themselves.

So you can march up and down playing stupid fucking hymns like God Save the

Queen. You tape bastard.

Too many people begging for a hand out.

So you'd never ask for help yourself, even if you were in trouble?

No. Bollocks.

Who wants a drink, apart from you?

You're not buying me a drink?

Oh, if you can't give anything to anyone else, why should I give you something?

Because it's your round.

Anyway, what have you ever given to other people?

I did that first date call.

So did I.

Well, how's that giving something?

We will be giving the gift of life to anyone who collapses with a heart

Would you like me to show you my Heimlich manoeuvre?

If you can't shake my brother, if you can't shake my sister, if you can't

my brother, come and take away with me.

And I'll be your tambourine man.

Ooh, shake me in the palm of your hand. Yeah, shake me, your

tambourine man.

Shake me, shake me, baby, like no other can.

I need you, honey, almost all the time.

But I feel blue.

If you can't take my sister, if you can't take my brother, come and stay

me.

Look at me.

What? I'm not even sweating.

Can't believe how fit I am.

I've only walked a couple of miles.

What are you driving? Come on.

I hope I can find a car.

Maybe you should walk every day.

That's into shape.

I'm in better shape than you.

Come on, then.

I'll race you to the start.

You all right?

If he'd have rattled this thing near me, I'd have told him to fuck off. Why?

Because I hate tin rattlers.

You as well.

You're quite similar, aren't you?

Me and Kurt?

Yeah.

We're both very short. We both teach IT.

And of course, we're both Asian.

I don't think they're at all similar.

That's because you can't read people like I can.

What do you mean, read people?

I can look at someone and know just from their face and their aura what kind of

person they really are.

So when you look at me, can you tell I'm the kind of person who would happily

pour this milk all over your head?

I know that Matt and Kurt are both incredibly selfish.

If anything, Matt is worse than Kurt.

Funny, isn't he?

What? These papers always get your horoscope wrong.

Don't be disappointed if your partner forgets your birthday this week.

As if I've got a fucking partner.

And did she ever remember my birthday? I don't think so, fucking bitch.

You do

realise I let you win.

Can't fucking breathe.

Right, recovery position.

Good morning.

Yes, thank you.

May I remind everyone that sports day approaches.

Parents have been invited. The police have been alerted.

I hope those of you who fail to win the staff race will not display the kind of

disgraceful behaviour we witnessed last year.

Yes, I'm talking about you, Mr Buchanan.

How can you say that Matt is more selfish than Kurt?

You say it because it's true.

You want me to prove I'm right?

No, because I'm going to prove you're wrong.

Kurt, it's Bob's birthday. Do you want to give him some money for a present?

No.

No.

Come on.

Come on.

Quentin Penn.

That's very generous of you.

Who gives a fuck?

It's going to be 55.

So? So, that's divisible by five, and five more than 50. I don't like

Bob. I don't care how old he is, and I certainly don't want to buy him a

present. Just some reason I've missed is why I should give you some money.

How about if I kicked you?

I told you.

30 pence would do it, and then it would leave you alone. I really don't have

time for this. As you can see, I'm trying to teach my year 11.

I know what you're thinking.

There's nobody here.

But Claire said we don't have a currency problem anymore.

And who am I to hide?

Do you want to say a word?

I would like a free fucking word.

So, first birthday without my wife.

Well, who needs that bitch when I've got my friend?

What, Kurt?

Oh, yeah, yeah. What?

Ryan took him to the hospital.

Why? I can't.

You haven't, you can't. He doesn't mean that.

You do actually care about Kate, the friend of yours.

We smoke together, we drink together, they can't be carried away.

Do you care about Kurt?

Yes.

A bit.

You're still in the hospital?

Where are you now?

What are you doing?

I need help.

Getting up the stairs.

Is that a wheelchair?

Yes. I can't walk because of you.

Me? You and your fucking recovery position.

You crippled me. You twisted my spine.

Are you sure?

No. I'm just guessing.

Of course I'm fucking sure.

The doctor who saw me after ten fucking hours said it was your fault.

Said you should have left me alone and called an ambulance. Said you were a

quack.

I'm sorry.

Sorry? Is that it?

It's one piggyback.

Morning.

Fucking bastard. See what? In a fucking wheelchair.

Breakfast? Do I look fucking hungry? Breakfast toast.

Fuck.

And tea? Fuck.

Okay.

Give me a hand.

What with?

I need a piss.

Can't you do it by yourself?

No. They'll have to hold me up.

How about a bug?

Doesn't sound very dignified.

For you, I mean.

I'll tell you what.

You do it.

Go.

Here we go.

Got your blanket.

Why the fuck do I want a blanket?

In the wheelchair.

But am I cold?

I don't think so.

You might get cold.

Can't run around.

Here.

Let me chop you in now.

Someone say something.

Fuck.

Anything they can do.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

But they said the trouble was spinal damages. They can't take any risks.

I made you a nice cup of tea.

Why are you shouting? I'm not deaf.

Still not cold.

Have you drawn up the order of events yet?

What? For sports day. You were going to let me have a timetable this morning.

Yeah, well, I was going to do it last night, but with Kurt going into

Thanks to you. Is he really in a wheelchair?

Um, yeah.

Look.

Oh, yes.

Is anything working below the waist?

He's still got bladder control.

And he didn't shit himself last night.

I am actually here, in case you hadn't noticed. Will you mind if everyone's

dead? Or should I tell the students what happened?

Maybe don't tell them how it happened. I don't know how it happened.

He fell over. Did I say I cared?

What are

you

doing?

What does it look like?

It looks like you're a cripple.

I'm not a cripple.

Say... What's the difference?

You're not supposed to say cripple. And who's going to stop me? You? Yes. You're

going to have to catch me first.

It's all right.

No. Can you push me to my classroom? I'm not going that way. Well, thanks for

your help.

Brian.

I'm stuck.

Chair broke.

Hands have got blisters.

I'm not saying I'm sorry. What else can I do? Take me to the toilet.

I've got to sort these hurdles out for sports day.

I'm getting desperate.

I'll fetch you a bottle.

No.

I need a crap.

It's too wide.

No, you can just get through.

You'll have to lift me out.

I'll get you right next to the bottle.

Just lift me out.

How are you fixed on Thursday night?

What? I'm trying to sort my birthday party out. Thursday's good for me.

Or Wednesday, of course, but not Saturday.

OK, well, Saturday's possible, if that's the only night you can make. Can I ask

a stupid question?

You normally do.

Why not use the disabled toilet?

What disabled toilet?

This is what I call a fucking toilet.

You could fit six or seven people in there.

You could eat your dinner on the floor.

Why would you want to?

Why would you want to fit six or seven people?

I'm just saying you could.

I'm not saying I'd want to.

Are you finished?

What? In there. Have you done your business?

I haven't even started.

You'll have to wait.

Okay.

I meant outside.

Who are you anyway?

Ralph Palmer. Are you new?

No.

Well, I haven't seen you before.

I've seen you. And I've seen the graffiti about you.

What graffiti?

I'll wait outside.

What graffiti?

As if things weren't bad enough.

And they're writing stuff about me.

Somewhere.

I mean, what the fuck are they saying?

Don't know.

Right.

Let's get my trousers off.

Yeah, this tastes like shit.

Mine's okay.

How come I've got all the food, literally?

Want this crouton?

It might have been a long time ago.

I think the dinner lady who hates you probably put them there.

The dinner lady who hates me?

Oh, yeah.

Which one is it?

That one.

He hates you because you're a moody cow who never once smiled or even said

hello. How do you know all this?

Eileen told me.

Oh, what the fuck is that?

He really doesn't like you.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not fucking okay. I'm trying to get inside to have some lunch. There's a

fucking step.

I can't get over the step.

My fucking hand hurts.

I'm so fucking hungry.

And I'm fucking totter, man.

What's he done now? He wouldn't push me down a corridor.

Maybe he would have been fucking bad.

Or maybe he really is a bastard.

So, Thursday night, six o 'clock -ish, I'll confirm the venue by close of play

tomorrow. Yeah, whatever.

Um, have I told you about my partner? Huh?

Do you know what people are saying about you?

That I've got a nice arse? That you're a bastard.

What people are they saying that?

Penny, I'm scared.

Oh. Oh, I was trying so hard to impress them.

But what if your reputation spreads?

What if everyone starts saying you're a bastard?

Wouldn't bother me.

Yes, it would.

No, it really wouldn't.

Don't you want to prove to people that you're not a bastard?

Why? Because then I can tell Penny she's wrong. Which she is. And she'll stop

smiling at me with that. I know more about people than you do. It's not going

be... It'll make you want to kill me.

You want me to pretend to be a nice bloke to stop Penny annoying you?

Yeah.

Why not?

Did I mention Thursday night?

Fuck off.

Ralph Palmer? Yeah, he's in my English class.

So how come we've never seen him before?

Maybe he doesn't play that much football.

I'd teach that, Clark. I swear I've never seen him before.

Miserable little fucker.

Are you allowed to call him that if he's disabled?

I'd call him that if he wasn't disabled.

Hiya. Don't go.

That's not funny.

Leave me alone.

Oh. I'm supposed to be covering one of Mr Chang's lessons tomorrow.

Could you do it instead? In return for what?

Nothing. I can't really see what's in it for me.

I'm trying to help you to prove your critics wrong.

That's kind, but stupid.

Is anyone going to give me a hand?

Come on, then.

She'd like a word.

Claire. Who else?

I didn't write that good thing about Kurt.

She wants to talk about the staff race.

Are you planning sack or egg and spoon?

Is that a problem? I really don't see why I can't be a sack race.

It was a sack race last year when I overtook Mr McKenna in the final ten

It's because we had a sack race last year I thought we should have an egg and

spoon issue.

That's ridiculous.

Is it? We need a sack race.

I've ordered the eggs. Cancel the order.

Make sure everyone knows it's a sack race, OK?

Thank you, Mr Brennan.

I could lay a sack across my lap like my blanket.

You think anyone would have a problem with that?

I think they'd call you a fucking chief.

Not me, obviously, but some of the others might.

It's actually better if I organise it myself and then there's no chance for a

stripper turning up.

What, you'd have been the stripper too?

No, I've always had an irrational fear of a traffic warden suddenly peeling off

her uniform and sitting on my lap.

All the baby oil and...

The rubbing and... It all get very embarrassing.

I'm ready for another.

Do you really think you should?

Well, why not?

Just thinking about your bladder.

When it's full, you'll need a piss. It's going to be easy getting your chair

into those ones.

You could always carry me.

To the toilet?

What would people say?

Probably. There goes the bloke that crippled his mate.

I'm glad he's feeling so guilty he's helping a poor fucker take a piss.

I'm betting you're half.

Same again?

Why don't you give him a hand?

Because I can't be half.

You could put me back where you found me.

So how have you coped all day?

Must be weird sitting down all the time.

I never stood up that much before.

What's the worst thing about it?

Hard to say.

Being stared at.

Yeah.

Chewing gum stuck to my wheels.

Fear of deep vein thrombosis. That's enough now. But the very worst thing...

That wasn't it. I've got absolutely no chance.

Shaggy. So nothing's really changed then? Fuck off.

At least when I could walk I looked normal.

But now... Women are just going to see my chair.

They're not going to see the man sitting there. They're not going to see me. I

think you'll be surprised.

Why what?

By the number of women who'll want to go to bed with you now.

And why would they want to do that?

Because some women will be curious.

Some will feel sorry for you and some will see you as a bit of a challenge.

You're not winding me up. If you don't believe me, go and chat to those women

over there. Think what happened.

When does that come through?

What are you...

Celebrating. Sorry?

Well, I was asking.

I don't know what to do. I was asking.

What happened to you then?

Oh, it's a long story.

Very long story.

Would you like to hear it?

It was fucking amazing.

They were all over me. One of them said she was going to ring tonight and fix up

a date. Was she taking the piss? No.

You told them you were a fighter pilot? Yes.

And they believe me.

Why don't they guess you were lying when they see how small you are?

They'll never see me standing up. That's the beauty of it.

I am going to have so much sex.

And they'll all have to get on top of me.

What? At the same time?

I hadn't thought about that.

Get in the chair.

Oh, that's my phone.

It might be the girl from the pub.

Ryan? Can you get the fucking phone?

wheel, fella.

You can fix it.

I'll have a go.

But before you do that, can you go and get me some chips?

And a jumbo sausage.

All right.

I won't be a sack.

That's okay.

Take your time.

to push Kit round for a bit.

Why not you?

Because I'm not the one with the attitude problem.

And I'm not the one who gives the shit.

It's fine.

Stop.

Ow. So, it's definitely sack.

What? The staff race. I've just put my name down and suddenly got low in case

was egg and spoon.

No. Ah, good, cos I've got, you know, hands a little shaky these days.

Too much wanking.

I do not.

I hardly ever.

Look, it's none of your fucking business.

Are you going to say something about the sack racing?

Why should I? To get some more interest.

There's only two names on the list, you and Bob.

Bob?

Bob?

High jump.

100 yards.

It's actually called the 100 metres.

Oh.

Ah, good. I was hoping to speak to Mr McKenna.

He's not here.

You're here.

But he's not.

That's right.

Extraordinary. Good affection.

I really don't see why I should... Now!

Kurt, I was just wondering if the job appeals at all.

Senko. Senko.

I don't even know what that means.

Seriously? Mm -hmm.

The Special Educational Needs Coordinator requires a delicate

the problems associated with disability.

being part of a minority, forced to deal with ignorance and prejudice.

And it's a role that's vital to ensure that we fulfil our legal and moral

obligations.

Does it pay more? A bit.

And you do less teaching.

I could get a supply teacher to cover most of your lessons, if you take the

I don't know.

If I didn't have to do any teaching... It's a deal.

In that case, it would be a pleasure, an honour, to help my people get the kind

of support and respect they're entitled to.

Try to remember, you're not Nelson Mandela.

This is going to be a piece of... What do you want to tell me?

I'll be like a head of department, only without any students.

Apart from all the disabled ones. There's only three.

Ralph in the wheelchair.

Sunit, the fat boy that showers all the time. And the girl with the hairlet.

Who?

I don't know her name.

What do you want?

Get the smoke in here.

Fuck off.

We smoke in the normal toilet.

The normal toilet?

The toilet for normal people. As opposed to?

The toilet for people who aren't normal.

What's not normal about not being able to walk?

Apart from the fact that it's not normal. It's very normal.

You think most people can't walk?

But fuck off out of my office.

All right.

Keep your wheels on.

Does that count as disabled?

A hairlet?

She talks a bit funny and makes a mess when she eats.

Sounds borderline to me.

A filmmaker.

She can join in the disabled race on Thursday.

We're not having a disabled race on sports day.

Oh, I think you'll find we are.

If I can't do the sat race, you'll have to throw out something for me, Ralph,

Sunit and Hairlip Girl.

How about a messy eating competition or who can shout the loudest? Are you

taking a piss?

No.

Be very careful what you say.

I now have the power to issue verbal and written warnings for offensive language

and or behaviour.

Bollocks. I have lots of new powers.

And there's going to be changes around here.

What sort of changes?

Rounds.

All over the place.

For skateboards?

For wheelchairs.

I have a budget, and I intend to use it.

Brian?

Yes, Kurt?

We'll have to cover this grass with tarmac.

Why, tomorrow?

Oh, you could just cut the grass right down so the wheels don't stick.

Um, how about we don't have a disabled race at all?

Oh, yeah.

You'd love to keep us out of sight, wouldn't you?

Pretend we don't exist.

Just saying it's a lot of bother.

Are you going to allow running with your toes in the corner of the track?

Is it straight jumping only?

I'm glad your negative attitude isn't shared by most of the people I've spoken

to. Straight jumping only.

It's better in my book. Oi!

Oi!

What if he's got to me gravy?

I would never know, would I? I told you to stick to Caesar salad.

Grated parmesan and anchovies.

I don't think so.

I'm fucking knackered. Why don't you let Kurt wheel himself around? He said his

hands are too sore.

Ryan!

Ryan! I think Kate needs some help.

I've taken him to the bog three times.

I've cleaned dog shit off his wheels.

I've rubbed Savlon on his blisters. Is it too much to ask for ten minutes by

myself just so I can eat some food in peace?

Fuck him. He can get his own lungs.

Brian! Just ignore him. Brian!

What did I do to deserve this?

You put Kurt in the recovery position. Yeah, I know what I did.

He doesn't stop reminding me. I need you. Over here. All right, you little

I'm coming.

Is that a pubic hair?

Planet Lager.

Why don't you go round?

Your arms aren't paralysed, are they? Can't you still get your wallet out?

You nearly break his back and now you won't even buy him a drink.

Boy, he may be tricky as that since he fell over.

Can't he buy his own fucking drink?

Some saving up?

What for?

Some kind of operation.

Experimental. In America.

I'm like the superman.

You want an operation to make you fly.

He's talking about Christopher Reeve. If I need something like that, it'll cost

me. Yeah, it'll cost you thousands of pounds.

You're not going to save thousands of pounds by refusing to buy a pint of

And there's all the practical.

No changing the plan.

Changing it how?

I might need a stair lift.

Which would be good for you too.

Who am I, Thor of fucking Earth?

That's Dame Thorifuckinghead. The late Dame Thorifuckinghead.

We could use it for pizzas.

When we get one delivered, we can get the bloke to put it on the chair.

Save you a journey downstairs.

Thanks for watching!

If you're disabled, I can park anywhere.

Not inside the school. Do you want me to leave you up there?

I'll shut your mouth.

Could you be in the set place today?

Someone who can read people, yes.

That's such a good question.

Oi! What's the point?

You know

what?

I think I need a crutch.

I saw you. You lifted up your leg and you stuck your foot out. It was just a

reflex. An involuntary reaction. Like blinking.

Only not with your eye.

You can move your legs.

So you can probably walk. No, look.

I can't do it now.

And so I've brought in Patrick Small.

We'll be taking over Mr McKenna's lessons for the rest of the term.

We'll see how the SENCO role... What are you doing?

No, I want to know what you're doing.

Shut the fuck up!

This is the signer I've borrowed from the LEA.

He's going to help us get our message across to those colleagues with hearing

problems. We don't have any colleagues with hearing problems. We might have.

Maybe they're just too embarrassed to admit it.

Anyone deaf?

What does that mean?

It means it doesn't seem like it. You can speak, then? Yeah.

We spoke on the phone? That was you?

I thought it was some kind of machine, like Stephen Hawking.

Only more lifeline. Any chance I can finish my announcements?

Go ahead.

But before you do, can I make one announcement of my own?

If you must.

The bell we've been using to signal the end of a lesson?

It's got to go.

Why? Well, how's a deaf kid supposed to hear a bell?

He doesn't have to hear it.

He'll see the other kids walking out of the classroom.

Not if he's blind.

Blind and deaf.

It's possible.

It's possible, yeah.

I'd be very suspicious.

That's because you discriminate against the disabled.

Don't you mean disabled people?

It's offensive to call them the disabled.

I can call them what I like. I'm one of them. And the bell has to go. It

discriminates against our deaf students.

We don't have any deaf students.

What about blind students?

No.

Oh.

I've arranged some signs to be made in Braille. A fire exit, toilet, library.

If we had any blind students, which we don't, why would they want to use the

library? To borrow some of the audio books I've ordered.

I've only chosen short books, in case anyone's suffering from attention

syndrome.

Have to go.

Why?

If you've got no arm, you're fucked.

You want to take the handles off? Yes.

Anyone?

Good question. What was the question?

How will anyone get through the doors?

Right.

Lose the doors.

You got rid of the doors? You told me my remit included structural alterations.

I was trying to make you feel important, so you'd take the job and deal with all

the shit I haven't got time for.

What?

William Tyler.

I wanted to ask his parents to come and see you so you can tell them their son's

about to be a theft by the LEA's EP and, if he's statemented, may require one

-to -one attention and or a transfer to the PRU.

What?

I think he's special needs.

And you want me to tell his parents that he's mental?

You might want to use a different form of words.

But he'll kill me.

Probably.

SN statements, EP assessments, funding applications.

This is what you'll have to deal with from now on.

But we've got Ralph, Sunita and the girl with the hair lip. Plus, 57 students

with behavioural, attitudinal and emotional problems.

Do you honestly think you'd get paid more money for looking after three

students?

Yes.

Tyler? Sorry, Mrs. Tyler.

Is this Kurt McKenna from school?

No, I'm one of the teachers.

I'm trying to have a private conversation.

Why don't you walk over there?

What do you mean, walk?

Did I say walk? I meant push yourself up.

Mrs.

Tyler? Yeah, sorry.

I just wanted to ask if we could meet for a chat.

I know we're chatting now, but we need to have a serious conversation about how

we can help William with his reading and writing.

And talking.

Hello?

Hello?

Hi.

Those are year 10s, those are year 11s.

You need to cover information systems, input methods, output methods, storage,

files and software.

So that's basically the entire GCSE course.

You got a problem with that?

No. No problem.

I don't want fucking damaging.

Then get some hot food. I can't risk it.

He's back there just waiting to catch me out.

What if I asked for some of yours?

What if I asked for some of your food? Would you let me have it?

No, I meant if it's something edible.

Of course Lindsay would give you some of her lunch. Oh, but then she's not a

selfish bastard.

You could prove that you're not.

Okay, I will.

One day... It's ruining me life!

Why can't I just die in agony or something?

Would you like that?

No, I'd be very upset.

Because I really want to eat fucking sandwiches for the rest of me fucking

The discus comes with it.

This is not a great discus, but it's used.

It's used on the road.

The road is in a place.

It's all right.

What the fuck?

Ah, Jesus.

Could have killed me. What are you pointing at, are you? What were you

do? I thought that the gun might trigger some kind of involuntary reaction.

Are we going to do this race or not?

This is just in case you're deaf.

Fucking fuck!

And in case you're blind, it says, on your mark, get set...

Fucking grass is way too long. I demand a rematch.

What's up with him?

Call an ambulance.

Right, leave it to me. Get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

No.

Dad. Who?

That dinner lady who hates you. He collapsed during the disabled race and

he's dead.

Are you sure?

I did airway, breathing, circulation.

You should have called an ambulance.

I told Matt to get one. He never turned up.

Is it true about this dinner lady?

Is he dead?

No, he's fine.

Really? Yes.

Excellent. Claire wants to know when you're going to give her the pack race

The other five yards, I'd have pulled in front, no problem.

There's only one thing I hate more than a bad loser.

What's that?

You. Right.

When I call your name, hop up on the podium and I'll... Where's the podium?

Mr McKenna told me to get rid of it.

What? He said you couldn't fit a wheelchair on top. It was

I hope that's OK.

But... I spent days making it.

Painting it.

He knows that.

Have you seen Kurt? Not yet.

Mr. and Mrs. Tyler would like a word with him, but he seems to have

I'm going to kill the little fucker.

Then let me show you where he is.

Hello, Mr. Tyler.

My son is not fucking mental. Of course not.

He might have to be assessed by... That

dinner lady.

What about him?

Brian asked you to ring for an ambulance?

Yeah.

But you didn't.

No.

He left it to Brian to save his life, and only for a while he'd fuck it up,

thereby killing the evil little bastard.

Did you try to let him die?

Because I said I wanted him to die.

And there was nothing in it for you?

That is so... Sweet.

It's okay, they've gone.

You sure?

Yeah.

Police took them away.

I thought I was going to shit myself.

Did you?

No.

Not really.

So, you can walk?

Yeah.

It's a miracle.

Yeah, it must be.

Now you're standing up all by yourself.

I guess my spinal cords have untangled.

Or something.

Did you know we've got 57 special needs kids?

So that's... 130... 140 parents who might want to kill you if you

say their kid's mental.

Jesus.

I'd rather do some teaching.

Thank you.

No wish.

Anyway. Can anyone give me a hand?

I'm going to chop that!

Cheers. You all know Patrick, don't you?

Claire said I won't be covering your lessons in future.

She explained what happened.

She didn't sack me.

Did she say she sacked me? Because if she did, she's lying.

I resigned, OK?

I quit.

Well, actually, she just said you fucked her up the fucking arse.

I assume she didn't mean you...

I won't eat these now. Oh, my back. Oh, don't start.

What's that?

Oh, no.

Bob's party. We don't have to go, do we?

Is this it? Just us?

I only wanted my closest friends.

Then what are we doing here?

Oh, my Lord.