Original subtitles

I hate Christmas.

You've got to give cards to friends you don't want to speak to.

Presents to relatives you don't want to speak to.

And thank you letters to anyone who's still speaking to you when it's all

You should be glad Claire's cancelled it.

Did what?

Do you not read your memos?

No. No.

Never.

Blah, blah, blah.

All programmes or pageants that promote or emphasise the Christian significance

of the holiday are prohibited.

No carols, no decorations, no cards, no treats.

She can't cancel Christmas. I thought you didn't like it.

I don't?

Shouldn't you be clean?

Yes.

And I am, so well done, Claire.

Oh, it's still going to be Christmas outside of school.

Still going to have to spend hours in the company of smug people in functional

relationships, bleating on about what they're going to buy each other.

Do you actually know anyone in a functional relationship?

I can think of at least two of us who are as good as married to each other.

Talking of which, where are they?

Your golden hair and pale eyes.

But through all the days and we sleep at night.

We have never been trapped by time.

I'm all right with you.

Yeah, we are falling on three.

Almost to the point of no turn.

Everything must turn this way.

You can see my tired eyes.

See something you don't recognize.

I can't sky

Kurt and Brian. Kurt and Brian.

Kurt and Brian.

Mr and Mrs McKenna. Hey, Barry's.

False alarm.

Dear Kurt and Brian -y.

Fucking dimwits at the bank.

Certain Brian is.

I can't believe they thought we were married. Can't believe they thought if

were, I was your wife. Have you anything special planned for tomorrow night? Oh,

yeah, very special.

Why are you coming tomorrow?

I'm leaving, remember?

You're going to make Claire swear like a bitch again, because I'd really like to

be there this time.

Even better than that, I'm going to do absolutely nothing at all.

Just drift away anonymously, like I was never here.

Oh, Matt.

I've been meaning to ask.

What are you buying Jessica for Christmas?

I haven't decided yet. Because I've been thinking.

If it's sexy underwear, you can always run it by me first.

Why, are you an expert on women's lingerie? No, he's an expert in wanking

women's lingerie. I can't believe you haven't decided yet.

You must know how tricky it is buying your wife's Christmas present.

Me? But you've been agonising over what to get Ryan.

If anyone's anyone's wife, Kurt's mine.

Shut up, bitch.

Anyway, we've got a no -present pact.

Ah, the old no -present pact.

Five pounds for that one, one.

You don't have to be to me for a week.

Ah, we're not buying each other anything.

What you mean is you're not buying Brian anything?

No, I'm not buying Brian anything. Brian's not buying me anything. Hey,

Of course not. See?

So what are you buying him?

Brian.

Gentle down, please.

I've received a number of complaints about bad... language around the school.

You shouldn't need reminding that standards start with staff.

Shit!

So in order to encourage you to set a good example, I've asked Liz and Carol

set up a staff square box.

Any questions?

Starting from when?

Starting from now.

Sorry, I made a fucking... Oh, shit!

Bob!

just telling everyone about the new staff square box.

Box. Box.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Equals nine expletives at 50 pence each, making a grand total of four pounds

fifty.

Look.

For the rest of the week, you won't need reminding what's going on.

Does anyone remember what's happening this week?

We've got mock GCSEs. We require two invigilators for each exam.

Liz has worked out a schedule which she will put on the notice board in the

admin office. Any more questions? Yes, Mr Stedman.

Are all swear words worth the same? The same as what?

Well, for instance, some people think... Go on, you can say it.

Shit is less offensive than fuck.

Plus, bugger might not be offensive to a gay thing as it's more of a hobby.

And isn't bollocks just the technical name for go -nuts?

I'll leave the finer points to Liz.

Kurt's definitely got me a Christmas present. What about the pack?

He's flossing.

Are you sure?

The only reason for making a non -present pack is to make it more of a

We'd have a point of making a no -present pact and then not giving a

would there? Unless you just need an excuse not to give a present.

Well, anyway, it's the thought that counts. He isn't even going to think

getting you anything.

Yeah, he will.

Won't he? No chance whatsoever.

But we're present mates.

Everyone knows one spouse always makes more effort than the other, and in most

cases, it's the wife.

got our essays.

Which essays?

The measure -per -measure ones, remember?

Of course I remember.

What about them?

They're very important.

Every essay is very important.

But these go towards our grades, don't they?

Which is why I've spent so long marking them.

You haven't lost them, have you?

Shouldn't you be working?

You haven't given us any work to do.

Is it important?

Not really.

All right.

And what do you think? Sorry.

You know you've been going on about me and Kurt, you know, being married.

It's just a joke.

You're not actually married, are you? But if we were married, why does

think I'd be the wife?

They don't think that, do they? You do.

Yeah, I do.

You think of me being...

taller and hairier, I'd be the husband.

That's a good point. So why aren't I the husband?

I don't know.

Well, I suppose... Yeah?

Traditionally, it's the wife who holds things together, does the cooking, the

cleaning, holds the purse strings, while the husband just pisses about

freeloading. If anything,

you being the wife is a compliment.

Well, Kurt doesn't freeload.

He's the most selfish bloke I've ever met.

If he was your husband, you could divorce him on the grounds of emotional

He's so lazy.

I could never divorce him.

Which is exactly why he'll go and treat you the way he does, because he knows

you won't stand up to him.

Oh, shit.

I've got my dinner money.

Can I buy some?

You've only got a dinner. Well, that'll do.

Can we always do this?

Oh, please.

Please, please. Go on.

All right.

15 pounds, 21 pence.

He's paying.

I'll play with a check.

What would you do if you lost an essay?

Just one essay.

Or an entire set of essays.

Depends how important they were. Very important.

How would someone lose an entire set of very important essays?

For example, he or she could forget where he or she had left them.

He or she would have to be pretty crap to do that.

Yeah, he or she would.

That's such a shit morning.

So sick.

Why, what happened?

Brandon. Keeps bullying me.

I'm thinking of writing an anonymous letter to his parents.

Dear Mr and Mrs King, your child is a complete shithead. Love, Kurt.

Not strictly anonymous.

What's up with you?

Nothing.

You're in a sulk.

I just think we always talk about your problems.

But you haven't got any problems.

Yes, I do.

Don't I?

Lord's problem.

All right, then.

Let's hear about them.

How was your morning?

Well, in my geography lesson, I got Bucharest and Budapest mixed up.

Oh.

You're not listening.

Well, no one else was listening.

You were.

Weren't you?

Couldn't we come to some sort of arrangement?

It's only lunchtime and already you've contributed... Nick Pound.

15 pounds.

Not including the toilet when you thought no one was looking.

12 .15?

Problems with dribbling. Your exact words were... Fucking prostate! At this

rate, you owe us at least 150 pounds by tomorrow night. I'm prepared to settle

for 75 pounds cash in hand now.

Screw you.

It's worth more to us alive.

Do you know what time it is?

No idea.

It's just gone two o 'clock.

Well, if you knew, why did you ask?

Aren't you supposed to be at your exam?

Well, aren't you?

Yes.

Shit!

Why didn't you remind me?

Not my job to remind you.

Sorry we're late.

Why are you late?

We lost track of time.

I didn't. He did.

Since I obviously can't trust you to be sensible, I'll be checking up on you

every 15 minutes.

Thanks.

You haven't seen a stack of A -level essays floating about the place, have

Why, have you lost some?

No. Have you seen any?

No. Then there's no problem.

Can I get a lift to the pub?

Of course. Anyone else? Me.

What a surprise.

Just give me a few minutes.

No.

No what?

I'm sick of you always needing a few minutes.

Every time I want to do something, you're like, give me a few minutes.

Either you come now, like Lindsay, or you forget it.

Simon?

I think I'll just walk.

What's going on?

Nothing's going on.

If you've got a problem, you should tell me. Not in front of everyone. Everyone,

fuck off.

We should go. Let's go.

Should I stay?

No.

Now you're going to tell me?

Maybe you should sit down.

I'm not sure.

I don't... I'm not sure I want to be your

best mate anymore.

Yeah, you do.

No, I don't.

Well, you says.

I say.

Are you jealous or something?

Of course not.

Is it because I'm the funny one?

I'm sick of looking after you.

What looks you do?

Give me one single example and you look after me.

I'm always making sure you're on time.

Lending you money.

I have to remind you to do every little thing.

Like pick up your dry cleaning.

Oh, shit, that reminds me. I drive you everywhere. I cook you breakfast.

I do your washing.

I open your curtains.

I can't remember the last time you didn't forget your door keys.

Oh, they're right.

On my bedside table.

I'm not saying we can't be mates.

It's not best mates.

What if I started to pull my weight?

A bit.

It's too late for that.

Sorry.

Do you want that lift or not?

Forget it.

I'll give you a few minutes.

Just go.

Oh, will you go?

I thought we might get a head start with these moths, you know, strike while the

iron's hot.

Or we could just leave it till after Christmas.

The thing is, I'd quite like it if English were the first to get their

up this year, to reflect well on the department.

There's not a competition, is there? Christ, no, no, but you know what a

department are like.

Always first, for once.

We'd like to wipe that smug grin off their face.

Maybe next year.

What can I get you?

No one's handed in a pile of homework, have they? It's just... I've lost them.

What's it about?

Essays on measure for measure.

Angelo is about to discuss or something.

No, no, I'm sorry.

What homework have you got?

Urban planning.

Hydrological cycle.

Land usage.

Brian.

Brian.

Brian. Your porn story.

Yeah.

Think Kit and Brian are all right? They're fine, trust me.

If they both turn up any second, it'll be like nothing happened.

I personally guarantee it.

Where's Kit?

I think he's walking. What's going on between you two?

We're no longer going to be best friends.

Yeah, right. Fuck off.

This... It wasn't an easy decision.

But the fact is, our relationship hasn't been working for some time now and...

Well, I just think it's best for both of us if we move on.

Pull out the chair, I'll buy you a beer.

No, thanks. I don't feel like getting shit -faced.

In fact, I think I'll make it an early night.

In the three years I've known Brian...

I've never known him have an early night. But have you ever known him and

to fall out?

Never. At least not properly, not over something that actually mattered.

Although there was that time when they both nearly had a fight over how far

you had to be from the detonation of the Hiroshima bomb in order to survive.

Do you know the way to the pub?

Which pub?

The one the staff always use.

I've never been there.

What? Because it's full of teachers.

No, because I'm 13.

It shouldn't take three hours to get to the pub, should it? It does if you're

Kurt.

Kurt and Brian don't just fall out.

Someone must have said something.

I didn't say anything.

I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything.

What? Did you say anything?

No. I mean, I talked to him then, but I haven't said anything.

Definitely not.

Leave me alone.

What are you doing?

Trying to find a pub.

It's one o 'clock in the morning.

So? Well, all the pubs are closed.

So? You're headed in the wrong direction.

So?

Look, do you want to live?

All right, then.

Much easier to mark a maths paper. Most of it's multiple choice. It's either

right or wrong.

Your wife dumped you, didn't she?

I think that's rather simplifying it.

But she shitted all over you, right?

I suppose.

And you cope.

When your wife chucks you out and starts knobbing the satellite installation,

man.

The best thing you can do is pull yourself together, show that you don't

her and that you're better off without her.

And that's what you did, right?

Couldn't do anything with them.

Just went around like a big baby for a couple of months. I had a fucking haul

with a fucking special height bar stone with his fucking harness.

Sorry about that.

That's Lizzie's fault.

Needed to swear all day.

You can let me out now, Mum.

Never solutions.

Walk back against the wall.

What the fuck's going on?

Okay, you're upset, but that's no reason to start cooking.

Can I have some?

I thought you weren't speaking to me.

I wasn't speaking.

Starting from now.

Well, you can eat all that.

Want a lift in?

I'll trade you one sausage for a lift into work.

Can you keep the noise down a little bit?

Simon, please tell Brian that I don't need a lift.

What the fuck?

Simon, ask Kurt how else is he going to get to school.

Tell Brian I'm going to use Simon's bike.

Remind Kurt that he broke Simon's bike at the weekend.

You broke Simon's bike?

Remind Brian that he promised not to tell Simon I'd broken his bike. I'd

incorporate my bike.

Kurt's not sure.

He dropped it.

How can you fucking drop it? Please thank Brian for putting Kurt in the

Tell Kurt that he still hasn't told Brian how he's going to get to school.

It's all right, bud.

Right for what?

Do you go anywhere near the school?

Depends which school you mean.

I'm not sure.

Summer something, I think.

Is there the one by the city centre?

I don't know what the city centre is.

Well, why don't you ask them?

Excuse me?

Where's the city centre? No!

Ask them if you go to the same school.

Oh, right.

Do we go to the same school?

What do you mean?

I'm a teacher.

Mr. Kurt McKenna, I teach IT.

Never heard of you.

It's fine.

Why did you dump Kurt?

Because I was worried that it might have had something to do with me.

I make up my own mind, thanks very much. Well, that's what I thought.

Although... I suppose you did start me thinking, so... Isn't that so? But it

with a ref, I'd say.

No.

Where did you get it?

So I'm early, so what?

Been here since 8 .30, big deal. First person in. Let's not make a song and

dance about it.

How come?

Turns out the bus only takes 15 minutes.

That's impossible.

You can't get here in less than half an hour in a car, let alone 15 minutes on a

bus. You can't if you go your way. But guess what?

Your way?

It isn't the right way.

You've been going the wrong way to school for three years.

Are you sure you haven't said something?

This is not my fault.

But some of the more alert of you will already know today is the last day of

term.

I'm sure you won't need reminding that in order to prevent last year's scenes,

the official staff party has been cancelled.

Today we're also saying a second goodbye to Mr Casey.

If anyone's hoping to use the pretext of his departure as an excuse for an

alternative party, then I'm afraid you needn't bother. He's already had one.

Any questions?

You can't not have a staff Christmas party.

I thought you hated staff Christmas parties.

I hate everything to do with Christmas. But if there's one thing I hate more

than Christmas, it's not being able to hate it because someone has cancelled it

on my behalf.

Are you sure there's nothing else you'd like to add?

I'm not going to swear, if that's what you mean.

How's it going, by the way? Major target?

It was going fine till everyone stopped swearing. Surely Bob hasn't.

There I was, counting on the fact that he had undiagnosed Tourette's.

Turns out it's just an affectation.

Anyone for key?

Penny! Now back up.

You're okay with this, aren't you?

Why would I not be?

As long as you're fine. I'm fine.

Fine.

Does one of you want to swap exams with me? Thanks.

Cheers, mate.

What for?

Mate? Didn't fancy monitoring with Penny.

Why?

You're worried you won't be able to stop the bayonet and tip the whole time.

Mate.

That's exactly it.

No worries, mate.

Take your arm off me.

Sorry.

Bye.

As we all know, this is our last lesson together.

Now, it's a strongly held principle of mine that no class I take ever works on

the last day of term and that work shouldn't even be discussed.

So instead, if anyone has any games, we should play them.

Have you got our essays?

I'm not familiar with that game. You've lost them.

Of course I haven't lost them. They're in my bag.

How about I teach you all how to do the crossword?

Show us them, if you haven't lost them.

All right.

I admit it.

I've lost them. I've lost the fucking coursework.

Happy?

Not really.

Are you bored?

I'm fucking bored. Me too.

Do you want to play paper war?

How do you play?

You each get ten sheets of paper and the rule is you have to get rid of them as

quickly as possible.

Is that it?

Simple.

What other games have you got?

Splinter. What's that?

You take off your shoes and then try and slide around as much as you can.

How do you win?

You don't. You just get splintered.

I think I prefer paperwork.

I had a think about our little chat yesterday and I'd like to revise my

What do you have in mind?

Forty quid, and you can swear as much as you like.

Very reasonable.

I thought so, too.

But I can't help thinking this whole swear box has done me the world of good.

I've started to use words I've forgotten even existed.

So, if it's all right with you, I'll decline you.

you later, Matt.

Mate. Yeah.

That was such a laugh, mate.

Yeah.

Oh, hi, Kit. Hi, Brian.

So, how did it go?

I mean, what a laugh.

Matt, it's such a scream.

Best exam I've ever had.

Yeah, listen, I was thinking we should probably take the next one together.

Why is that?

Claire might get pissed off if we mess about with the timetable too much.

Matt seemed really keen on swapping with you.

Play paperwork if you want. I already played it with Matt.

You let Matt play?

You don't have a problem with that, do you?

I just thought we had a pact.

Yeah, but pacts only count as long as you're Beth's mate.

Simon, can I have a word about... Sorry, Brian, I thought you were Simon.

Nothing like Simon. No, you look shorter today.

Shorter?

It's probably just because you're not with Kurt.

I think it makes you look taller.

So you didn't say anything to Brian?

I didn't say anything that could have caused this, no.

But you did say something.

I speak to Brian every day, so I'm bound to say something. That doesn't mean I

said something.

So what did you say?

Nothing.

He asked me why I'd been joking about him being Kurt's wife.

So I explained how really, really this was a compliment because wives are the

backbone of a relationship, whereas Kurt's more a hate woman.

OK, yeah, I might have set the ball rolling, but when I asked Brian, he

specifically told me it wasn't my fault.

It's all your fault.

You see?

I should never have listened to you.

I didn't tell you to break up with Kurt.

You told me I was like a wife trapped in an emotionally abusive marriage.

Here we go. You said it wasn't a direct factor.

Well, I've changed my mind.

From now on, this is all your fault. And... And... There.

I've said it.

I know you're mad with me.

You probably think this is all my fault, even though, you know, I only set the

ball rolling.

Once you calm down, you'll probably put that in perspective. But I want to say

sorry.

This was going to be Kurt's Christmas present.

Plastic stone.

No.

There's no ordinary plastic stone.

Close without saying.

Called a keystone.

You hide a spare set of keys inside when you forget yours.

Which Kurt does practically every day.

Ideally suited to first floor flats without gardens.

It's only been a day.

Already I miss him.

His tiny, cheeky face.

His stinking feet.

His crap little jokes.

Have you told him this?

I can't tell him that.

Yeah, you can.

I'm a bloke.

I bottle things up.

You want to make up with him, don't you?

So go and say sorry.

He'll just tell me to sod off. Of course he won't.

All right, he probably will, but... It's a step in the right direction.

I saw an advert for a property you like going in Clifton.

Adjacent to the park.

Heated swimming pool.

That's right.

Perfect.

I noticed it said Christ on application.

Should I apply for the price?

Really?

Wow.

What if I applied again?

Would that be the same price or does it vary?

Ideally without the last three zeros.

Yes.

Sorting out somewhere to live.

Can I sit down?

I'm kind of hanging out with friends right now.

Make it quick.

I made a mistake.

I was wrong to accuse you of being a useless twat.

And I'd like it if you could go back to being best mates.

I don't know how easy that's going to be.

I promised to stop nagging.

The thing is, I think you were right.

You don't bring me down.

We both bring each other down.

We do?

If we go back together now, it would be for the wrong reasons.

Because you couldn't cope with me turning my life around and becoming

amazing person I never knew I was.

What a jerk.

He made a mistake, that's all.

He's only got himself to blame.

In some ways, I'm a tiny bit responsible.

No, you're not.

You didn't tell him to dump me.

No, but I said if he was your wife, he'd have sufficient grounds to dump you.

Why did you say that?

Because it's true.

Yeah. So, really, it's not entirely his fault. It's also partly my fault, so you

should be annoyed with me.

I'm not annoyed with you.

Why not?

Things are really working out for me.

You're not true, though.

You know, since Brian hasn't been dragging me down, I've been making all

new friends.

Like who?

You know, Matt, for instance.

I mean, we were mates before, but, you know, I think we've been really building

on that.

We're on our way to becoming best mates.

Eh?

I'm married.

Matt's married.

So? Married people don't have best friends.

Yeah, they do.

Yes, they do. They do, yes.

So? You're not going to be my best friend.

Not now.

Not in the near future.

Not ever.

Sorry to be so blunt.

I didn't mean only Matt.

It's Lindsay as well.

Do you think there's any possibility that you and Kurt will ever be best

friends?

Not in a million years.

Why not?

Firstly, I can only take him in small doses.

Secondly, he's much more annoying without Brian.

What about you?

We're mates, aren't we? Yeah, but, you know, I'm leaving today.

So, what?

No one wants me unless I'm with Brian.

That's about the size of it.

Fuck you.

Me? This is your fucking fault.

What? You said it wasn't.

Aren't you swapping?

Couldn't be arsed.

Couldn't you find anyone?

No. Couldn't be arsed to find anyone.

Don't expect me to be grateful just because you couldn't be arsed to find

anyone. I'm not. Good. Good.

Is there a problem?

I don't know.

Well, I suggest you go in and start.

Well, don't say I didn't try. You didn't try? Yes, I did.

Well, then you can't have been very good.

Simon.

Well, I can't say I'm surprised.

Nor am I.

I always assumed you'd screw up somehow.

Me too.

It was just a case of when, where and how.

How much?

Um,

pounds.

Um, ten.

Got the English results?

Worked through the night.

Good for you.

I suppose they're the first back, eh?

They certainly are. Yes!

Apart from the maths department, obviously.

Oh, shit. What was that you said? Oh, fuck. Oh, fucking fuck. Stop fucking

swearing.

Thought for a moment there, that fucked up. Oh, shit!

Fuck!

What the fuck is wrong with me, eh? There I go again. I tried to stop

swearing and it just fucking comes out like fucking water from a fucking tap.

Oh, fuck it!

You get that if you want.

It's up to you.

Don't give a shit.

Me neither.

Excuse me?

I can't believe I hung around with you all the time.

You drove me crazy with your OCD, girl, you're out of your mind.

I'm counting on UFOs to beat me up, I just don't know how long I can take

this shit. I'm over it, girl, you gotta go.

It's over, we're over.

We're standing close.

Mmm.

Look on the bright side. Without Brian and Kurt,

There's no one to say anything stupid when there's a lull in the conversation.

I bet you 100 pounds. I bet you 1 million pounds.

Well, I bet you infinite pounds.

I bet you infinite plus 1 pounds.

Can't have infinite plus 1. It's the same as infinite.

Ah, sounds like someone doesn't want to put their money where their mouth is.

Infinite plus 2.

Why is everyone looking so miserable?

Shit, it's Eileen.

Relax. Play it cool.

What are you doing?

I'm playing it cool.

Why do you need to play it cool?

So it looks like you've got cool friends.

So you two are friends now.

What are you talking about?

Of course we're mates.

As if we'd ever not been mates.

Yeah.

Well, what if...

Eileen offered to shag you on the condition that you stopped hanging out

me.

Why would she say that?

She might find me sexually threatening because she secretly desired me.

Well, tell her to fuck right off.

You wouldn't.

Oh, yeah?

I know at the moment we're just friends, but you should know.

If ever we started shagging and you said to me you didn't like Kurt, I'd tell

you to fuck right off.

Which one's Kurt again?

Over there.

Actually, he's a bit of a knob. I forget I ever mentioned him.

What did you say?

I told her. She wanted me. You were part of the package.

You mean like in a threesome?

Piss off.

I'm going to the bar. Drinks are on me. Who wants to lend me 20 quid?

What's all that?

Swear box. So, technically, Bob.

Excellent.

Come on, cheer up.

This galaxy's a shit -star party, doesn't it?

Hardly. What's missing?

when I'm obliged to wear shit paper hats from shitcrackers by colleagues who

don't even like me. Thought this might cheer you fuckers up.

This shit will make me look... Hey, hey.

So, Derek.

So, Matty.

I know.

Come on.

There must be something you want to do to mark the occasion of me leaving.

Why, what?

Anything you want.

Anything.

Pencil case!

Chuck it off!

The quick works of Chaucer. Throw it off, then.

How are you going to need that at your new school?

It's Bob's anyway.

Next up, fuck.

What is it? Those fucking essence.

Chuck them off!

I don't fucking believe it.

I was so convinced that I was shit enough to lose them that I didn't bother

check properly.

Fuck, you know what that means.

What's that?

I'm not shit after all.

Ow!