Original subtitles

Where's Carol?

Avoiding the pub.

Just when the tits were getting worth looking at, she buggers off.

Do you think you'll ever find anything else interesting about a woman?

Why is she avoiding the pub?

Apart from the smoke, beer, music, her being pregnant.

When my mum was pregnant, she listened to Johnny Cash.

Bit of a coincidence, don't you think?

How's that?

He's a strong heroic, Tom.

When have you ever done anything heroic?

I'm heroic in small ways.

Like I stand by my principles.

You don't have any principles, do you?

I never eat burgers on trains.

I was thinking more along the lines of principles that actually mattered.

I'd never knowingly go out with one of Kurt's ex -girlfriends.

I'm with you on that one.

Then why not?

Carol, for instance.

There's no way I'd shag Carol. You don't want it, do you?

No, but even if I did, I wouldn't.

Supposing Kurt shagged someone I actually found attractive.

Like Penny?

You wish.

Not really.

Claire. Let's say you shag Claire.

Why? From then on, she'd be off limits.

Even if it was only once.

She was pissed.

She didn't enjoy it.

I'd still say, sorry, Claire, no matter how much you want it, the X is hexed.

See you, mate.

We'll see you next time.

The game's over as soon as we pass through the gates.

Really?

No. You big cheating fuck!

Stop trying to grope me!

Another guess what?

There's a thick dinner lady.

I've fallen for that one. Quickly!

Where? She's gone now.

She was gorgeous.

You sure you didn't imagine her?

If I was going to imagine someone, I wouldn't imagine a dinner lady, would I?

What would you imagine?

A cowgirl.

Why would a cowgirl turn up here?

She wouldn't. I'd just be imagining her.

Would she have a lasso?

Of course she would.

Oi, I bagzied her. What are we looking at?

I imagined a fit dinner lady, except now she fancies me.

Except I bagzied her so Kirk can keep his grubby little hands off.

Now it's anything different.

You've grown a beard.

Claire will shit on you if she sees that. Not the beard.

No. Give us a clue. It's me, Simon.

We know.

Duh.

Simon! That's right!

Fucking hell!

Oh! Fucking hell!

It's fucking Simon!

I know!

Don't even think about it.

I was in the area, so I thought I'd pop in and see how your culture went out.

You need a place to stay, right? All right.

I was going to stay with my dad, but the step -sister's got my room, and I

didn't fancy sharing it.

Why? Because he has you.

Five.

Well, seeing as I'm your best friend, you can have my bed.

Stop that. You can have my bed.

All right.

You can have my bed.

Fuck off.

I can't wait to hear all about the culture.

Psych, sex.

Although, not necessarily in that order.

I'll see you both tonight.

You're not coming in?

I don't think some people are going to want to see me.

Oh, look.

Everyone's going to be really excited.

Oh, God.

Penny.

I... You look... Wow.

John, can I have a word?

What the fuck's he doing here?

Um, Bob.

Bob, how have you been? If you're looking for a job, you can sod right

You don't abandon people and then just swan back in whenever you bloody well

feel like it. I just couldn't become a problem.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't like to be in your shoes when Claire sees you.

Congratulations.

You'll all be pleased to know that for the third year running, we've beaten the

record number of staff off with flu on a single day.

And the downside, we're going to be even more stretched than usual.

Is something the matter?

The sink.

I've got to split it out.

Anne?

Claire, hi.

Relax, I'm not staying. I just popped in to have a word with Kurt and Brian.

They made me come in here.

Would you like some supply work?

What? Short notice, I know, but whenever there's a bug going round, the

sensitive cells in the English department always seem to be the first

Is there a problem, Bob?

He said there was no fucking way you'd ever allow that little shit to fucking

teach in any fucking school ever again.

Nonsense, Simon.

Like he's going to want to teach here after he's been all the way around the

world.

All right, then.

Liz will give you your timetable. And another thing, lose the beard.

It's sinister.

Don't, for a moment, think I'm happy about this. Just because Claire's

what you did doesn't mean I have.

Fucking asshole.

His wife left him for the satellite installation, man. I think he's got

separation anxiety.

I'm Matt, by the way.

You're a Clayton.

If you hadn't buggered off, I wouldn't be here.

Sorry about that. I'll try not to hold it against you.

I'm really impressed, you know.

Why is that?

I'd never thought you'd actually go through with it.

Even after you left, I thought, there's no way you'll get on that plane with a

fine flat.

You'll bail out at the last minute and spend ten months lurking around Bristol

to embarrass the show's bank.

Now look at you.

It's her.

No.

Don't look.

At who?

The dinner lady.

That way. Stop pointing!

Nice. Nice? She's fucking gorgeous.

She's looking natural.

Phew.

That was close.

So, what do you think I should do?

More of that.

That'll work.

I've got an idea.

I don't understand how that works.

You go up to her and ask her if she wants to come for a drink with you,

it? Why doesn't Brian ask it?

Brian fancies us.

Yes. I'm shit enough at chatting women up when I don't fancy them. When they're

gorgeous, I just get all... Scared. I don't get scared.

He's like a big, terrified lion.

I just have trouble hiding the fact I'm gagging for it.

Girls can find that off -putting.

Which is why we need a date.

What do you mean?

Well, you've been travelling. So?

Well, that's the whole point of travelling, isn't it?

To learn how to trick girls into having sex with you.

What if she thinks I fancy her?

You don't. No, but she might think I do.

You're not asking her to go for a sex drink.

As long as you make it clear that your mates are going to be there.

Although, don't mention me by name.

Do you mention me by name?

Or even better, just refer to me as the hilarious one.

So I go up to her, ask if she wants to go for a non -sex drink with me, not

because I want to, but because I've been travelling and Brian doesn't want her

to know he's gagging for it, making absolutely clear that both my mates, one

anonymous, one to refer to only as the hilarious one, will be there.

You see?

Simple.

What could possibly go wrong?

Can I help you?

I was just looking for something.

What?

A knife.

What kind of knife?

Like this one. Can I have this one?

Well, not that kind of knife for strange men.

Oh, Mr. Plague Teacher, it's my first day.

Piece of advice.

Don't carry a big knife.

You've got no impression.

I'm not a psycho.

Let's face it, if I was, I'd have brought my own knife.

I'll have to take your word for that.

All right.

I didn't come for the knife. I followed you in here to ask if you wanted to come

for a drink.

All right.

But I haven't finished yet.

What time?

It's not just going to be me.

It's going to be with some mates.

I already said yes.

As friends.

We'll put the knife down now.

You just went up to her, asked her if she wanted a cup of drink, and she said

yes.

Basically. And it was definitely yes.

It wasn't, yeah, okay, right, or yeah, straight after I put my head in the

She needed some persuasion, right?

Oh, I had to make it clear that it wasn't a date and that my mates were

be there.

That's good.

Otherwise, there's no way she'd agree.

Now you censor him and put the law upon you. It is one thing to be tempted,

Escarlo, another thing to fall.

It is one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall. What does Angelo mean

here? It's all right to think pervy stuff as long as you don't go through

it. You go through with it.

So you've never been tempted to do something you shouldn't, Brandon. I do

want. I don't care what anyone else thinks.

So you...

Never secretly fancied your best mate's girlfriend?

Oh, Mingus.

All right, all right, all right. What about his mum?

Of course not.

You better fucking not.

All right, it's something we all do.

I know I have. Not your mum, Lee. Obviously, no -one hears mum. Although,

hear your mum.

And here's the crucial difference.

Just because I'm tempted by Ben's mum doesn't ever mean I'm going to spend the

night with her.

Although... Even if I did, I can't see how technically it would be all that

wrong. I mean, we're both adults.

Forget about me and Ben's mum.

That's not a good example.

What are you thinking of in terms of strategy?

I was thinking of maybe playing hard to get.

No.

What do you reckon?

Whose side are you on?

What I tend to do is one half in, one half out.

Cover your face.

Perfect.

What are you doing here?

Oh, it's a popular demand. I'm back for a short while. How come?

Your headmistress was in trouble. She needed a little help. I happened to be

passing. Now, if you don't mind, I've got to be somewhere important.

Oh, right. Can I come with you? Of course you can.

I'm 18.

Are you? In a couple of months.

Come on in.

So he's just in travelling, is that right?

That's correct.

Oh, where'd you go?

All over.

Oh, yeah, like where?

Fiji. Oh, whereabouts in Fiji?

Listen, it's probably not a good idea that he come to the pub.

It'd be irresponsible of me and I could get fired and picked up.

So, where is she?

Wednesday. I set a mirror up by the kitchen door.

Shall we come with you?

If you want.

No way. Too obvious.

Tell you what, you pick her up, we'll meet you by the castle. Be sure.

Definitely. Like the land of his lord.

Okay.

Wow. You look amazing.

Thanks.

So, let's go.

What's with my arms?

Try phoning them.

Nah, looks too defensive.

Try any poppy?

Nah, too casual.

Hang him by his side.

Nah, you look like an arse. What about my hips? Oh, shit, she's coming. What

fuck do I do?

Do something to keep your hands busy.

The alternator's completely shut.

We're going to have to bag him.

What's going on?

Charred naked.

I bet you've got some great stories about travelling.

Oh, I wouldn't know where to start.

The sex.

What about it?

Well, how much was there?

Can we talk about something else?

I knew it.

It's like you've grown up into this mature person.

Not only have you had loads of sex, but you don't want to talk about it.

And I admire that.

And respect it.

But it was more than twice, right?

I don't want to talk about it.

Five times? I don't want to talk about it.

Ten? I'm not saying.

You're not saying or you don't want to talk about it?

Just ask me one question.

Were any of them Brazilian?

Why Brazilian?

Everyone knows Brazilian women enjoy sex.

British women enjoy sex. Just not with you.

How about you?

Do you enjoy sex?

You don't have to answer that.

I suppose.

I have to go.

You want me to come with you?

No, I don't want to ruin your evening. You stay here and enjoy yourself.

Brian will look after you.

Who's Brian?

Brian. You don't mind looking after her, do you?

Feel free to talk to her.

See you all tomorrow.

So, you're Brian.

We forgot to give Simon our door key.

Why don't you run after him? He can't have got that car.

Ah, fuck it.

Just have to wait.

I'm going to call it a night.

See you.

Bye.

How did it do?

Very good.

With the whole... silent.

You really think so?

Golden rule. Never come across.

Too interested in them.

I got the impression she wasn't that keen.

Oh, she was keen.

Really? Yeah.

I think that's why she left.

Because if she did fancy me right, the last thing she's going to do is make it

obvious like a slapper would.

Especially if I'm playing hard to get.

No, what she'd do, if she had any sense, would be play even harder to get.

And she was certainly doing that.

Bollocks.

You need a lift?

Nah, fine, thanks.

You sure?

Get in.

I've decided I'm going travelling.

I've seen how much good it's done Simon.

And I don't just mean in terms of sex.

Although, yes, sex is definitely better.

Where are you going?

I'll just dig a pin in the map.

She's thought it through.

I'll bet you anything you like.

A million quid. I haven't got a million quid. Twenty quid. I don't know, twenty

quid. How much you got?

Anything apart from money.

Your eyebrow.

My eyebrows?

If I win, I own your eyebrows for six months.

I can do whatever I want with them.

Shave them, dye them, give them to people as presents.

Whenever and wherever I choose.

That's a fucking stupid idea.

Sounds like someone isn't going travelling after all.

All right, then.

I'll bet you my eyebrow.

Right, well... Thanks.

Oh, bollocks.

What's wrong?

I forgot to get Kurt's key.

Oh, do you want to go back?

Fuck it, I'll wait.

I'll go out with you. Seriously, you should get home.

You could always take mine.

That's a great room.

If you want.

Or I could just sleep on the floor. Whatever suits you.

I don't want to get in your way. You won't.

I just feel like nothing's going to happen.

You feel like nothing's going to happen. Just feel like nothing's going to

happen. What if you don't want to? I don't.

Then what should we say?

That's true.

We could have a lot of willpower.

And when I say something's not going to happen, that's usually a guarantee that

it won't.

So?

Let's go.

You awake?

I heard you wanted to go out.

Sugar?

Two, please.

It's a pretty good outfit. Yeah, I like it.

Strong?

I haven't cleaned the seat yet.

Oh, right.

I wasn't trying to escape.

All right, I was, but not because, you know, I mean, I enjoyed last night,

but... Are you married?

No. You've got a girlfriend?

Not just at the moment.

What's the problem, then?

Brian, my mate, he really likes you.

He didn't even speak to me.

He's playing hard to get.

He's very good at it.

The thing is, he really fancies you, and if he finds out that I... I won't tell

anyone if you don't.

Really?

Of course not.

Do you mind if I take a shower?

Of course not.

Just put the hot water on.

It'll take 15 minutes to warm up.

I'll just wait here.

Are you cold?

Yeah, freezing.

Can I get back in bed?

Just for the record, I'm only getting back in because I'm freezing and I'm

waiting for the water to heat up.

I'll just drink my tea and then I'll be on my way.

Because it's one thing to stab a mate in the back when you're drunk.

another in the cold light of day.

Nine times he probably just decided to stay with his dad or something.

About where he pulled.

I doubt it.

Oh, come on, he's been all the way around the world.

Of course he pulled.

If he did, then he's a lucky bastard.

Don't let him get in front.

You're an idiot.

What?

Sleep well?

I was going to phone, but...

Walking back to yours, and then I realised I'd got to take a cheese, so in

end I went back to my dad's place.

So you didn't pull?

How am I going to pull between leaving the pub and walking out?

Was that you I saw last night, getting into that car with that attractive

I doubt it. Because he was wearing that same shirt, trousers, shoes, and an

identical head.

Oh, yes, you're right. I'd completely forgotten about that.

You forgot?

This... A strange woman picked me up and I'd never seen her before. Probably not

from around here.

In fact, she was just passing through on her way to London.

You shagged her, didn't you?

Not necessarily.

You've got your shag face on.

All right, I admit it.

That is my number one fantasy of all time.

To be picked up by a strange woman and given sex for free.

She wasn't driving a Lamborghini contact, was she?

I don't think so.

Well, still.

And how are we feeling this morning?

Oh, terrible.

We were so drunk last night, didn't we?

I can hardly remember a thing.

Me neither.

Didn't we make a bet?

You're not fucking having my eyebrow. Well, then, you'd better go travelling,

then. I was drunk. It was a crap bet. And anyway, I didn't sign anything.

Oh, you mean a pardon, then?

Oh, what was she like?

Just, you know, slightly Japanese.

Slightly Japanese?

Oh, she sounds perfect.

I'll see you later.

You don't want to talk about it, right? Not really.

He's doing good.

Patterning himself to know, grace to stand and virtue go.

More nor less to others' pain than by self -offence his way. What's the Duke's

point? Angelo's a hypocrite.

But why is he a hypocrite?

Because he breaks all his principles.

And why does he break them?

Because he's a hypocrite.

Or maybe, and I think this is a key point, he's just a human being.

And he's fallible, just like everyone else.

His only real crime is that he builds himself up as this paragon of virtue. In

fact, he's just a victim of his own principles.

The rules are as follows.

You have to stick a pin in the mat.

Wherever it lands, you have one month in which to spend a minimum of seven

nights there.

What if I can't find the map?

Forget it.

I'm not playing. You never know. You might get Brazil.

Close your eyes.

There's no way I'm going.

Expeditions like that take months to arrange.

Your skin freezes in 15 seconds at those temperatures.

And where am I going to find a team of husky dogs? I guess you'll have to

complete the seedling.

The vet's off.

You can't call the vet off, Claire. Sorry.

So I win? As of now, Lindsay's the proud owner of your eyebrows.

Fuck off.

What's up?

What is she doing?

I have no idea.

Bitch, that Lindsay really pisses me off.

So whereabouts in Fiji?

Fiji? Yeah, you said you went to Fiji.

Yes, I did.

Fuck me, where's Fiji?

It's a group of islands on the Pacific Ocean.

That's correct.

So which island?

I can't remember.

Was it Viti Levu?

Which one's that again?

That's the largest island.

It measures 146 kilometres long, 106 kilometres wide. That's an area of 10

square metres.

No, it wasn't that one.

I can't remember the real name, but the locals referred to it as... Serpent

Island.

Serpent Island?

I have never heard of it.

Must be one of the smaller Mamanuka Islands.

Yes. Yes, it was.

Cool.

Serpent Island.

Wow.

Fucking I get somewhere like Serpent Island.

I think I'm going to have to talk to Eileen.

Good for you.

Really? I think I've played hard to get enough.

I think so too.

So, I'm going to ask her if she wants to go for a drink with me.

You don't think it's a good idea?

It's up to you.

Well, I could wait a bit longer.

Bide my time.

Wait for the right moment.

Not always a bad thing.

Thanks, mate.

You worried you should tell him.

What? That you shagged her.

I did not shag Eileen. I won't tell anyone.

It was an accident. Do you think it happened? What do I do?

You either carry on lying, in which case he must never find out, or you tell

him, in which case do it straight away.

Which is easier?

Depends whether you're a good liar.

I'm a good liar. That's my gut feeling.

You got a minute?

What's up?

There's something I want to tell you. You're going to be pissed off.

About the woman who picked me up last night.

On her way to London?

That was Ireland.

Why was Ireland going to London?

Didn't have a key. I was cold.

She said she had a spare room.

What happened?

She didn't have a spare room.

Sorry. It's okay.

I mean, it's not as if you shagged her.

You shagged her.

Wait.

Why?

Partly an accident.

Partly alcohol. Partly because... I wanted to... You

never guessed what.

If I'm in shagged, I... This is better.

When? Last night on his way home.

Same time as the Lamborghini woman?

You were drunk, right?

We both were.

And she... didn't enjoy it.

She didn't have time to.

Just the one time, right?

Just the one night, yeah.

Yeah, but you didn't... work a double shift.

I don't even know what that means.

You know, when you do it before you go to bed and then when you wake up.

Doesn't that just count as one night? Of course not.

Two separate occasions divided by sleep.

I wasn't aware there was a distinction.

Which was it? This has nothing to do with you. Answer the question.

Did you work a double shift?

Sorry.

One day.

That's all it took you to fuck things up.

I wish you'd never come back.

You did the right thing.

Not shagging her, obviously, though.

I'd have done the same thing. But telling her.

I don't know.

If there was anything you needed to tell me, I'd definitely rather tell me.

There's something I should tell you.

You didn't shag Carol, did you?

No. Because if that's your baby, then bad luck.

I didn't shag Carol.

You promise?

I just...

Lied about traveling.

You didn't go around the world?

Not all of it.

Well, even if you've got halfway.

Strictly speaking, I didn't actually get that far beyond, you know.

Europe. I mean, I went to London.

You went to Fiji, though. That's not technically in Europe, Kurt.

It took you ten months to do all that?

No, three weeks.

Well, what have you been doing since then?

Not much.

Loitering about, really.

Why didn't you tell us?

Because I didn't want to feel like a tit.

So... How many women did you have sex with?

In all... One.

Really?

Was she resilient?

She was from...

You know what?

I wish you'd never come back to.

Even though you didn't go anywhere, I wish you'd gone somewhere and then not

come back.

Although, if you had gone somewhere, then I wouldn't have been pissed off

you in the first place.

Why is she sitting over there?

She's trying to avoid negative vibes.

Pull up a chair.

We'll move up.

I have to make a few phone calls anyway.

Did I just miss something? He's a twat.

I thought he was your second best mate.

Turns out I was wrong.

Turns out he's a liar.

Not even a very good one.

Quite a good one. He had me fooled, which is amazing.

He's a fucking arsehole. I never liked him.

We're all agreed then.

Simon is officially a twat.

Sweats. I quite like him.

I don't mind him.

Well, I've never been a fully paid -up subscriber to the Simon Casey Fun Club.

don't dislike him.

What if he knew what he'd done?

What's he done?

He slept with my girlfriend.

You don't have a girlfriend, do you?

I was just about to move in when he got her so drunk she ended up having sex

with him.

Plus, He worked a double shift.

I'm not saying I'd have definitely pulled her.

You'd have probably just made a massive tit of yourself.

You should have at least let me have a go.

Given enough time, you might have even spoken to her.

I was playing hard to get.

You couldn't get a word in edgeways without Simon bleating on about other

he shagged, haven't he? So really, you're pissed off with him because he

someone you fancied, even though she fancied him and he fancied her.

I thought you never liked him.

Well, I don't. I'm just trying to work out what he's done wrong.

Well, everyone else can, apart from me.

And me.

I stopped listening a while ago.

Let me say what you like. The fact is, he's shagged her.

Twice! And now, thanks to him, I'll never be able to shag her without seeing

smug face grinning back at me.

Plus, he lied to me about travelling.

No, he didn't.

What about all those stories of women he shagged? His exact words were, I don't

want to talk about it.

So, what?

I just imagined the threesome with the Brazilian women and the giant tray,

great.

Yes.

Okay, the last party, isn't it?

But if he hadn't let me think all those things, I'd never have made that stupid

bet, I'd never have lost my eyebrows and... It really pisses me off.

A giant arsehole.

What a worm.

Kurt, please.

What?

I think you're being a bit overdramatic.

I'm the victim here.

I'm the one he liked.

He didn't have to make that stupid bet.

Now, if you must know, I think you're also being overdramatic.

No, I'm not.

What if he'd seen her first?

What if he liked her as much as you did and then bagged her?

And then she begged you for sex.

I wouldn't have shagged her.

Even if she'd been like, Oh, Brian.

So gorgeous. Can I slug you?

Can I lick your chin?

Why would she lick my chin?

Some girls do that.

It's funny how things change, isn't it?

You know, this place.

I mean, it looks the same.

It sounds the same.

It smells the same. But somehow it's different.

Well, I don't just mean because people have left.

I get the sense that even if they hadn't have left,

they'd still have changed.

Time waits for no man.

How far away do you think that cloud is?

A mile.

Late. Yeah.

He doesn't know excuse for what I did.

I came back.

And after one day, screwed up in the worst possible way without even trying.

You liked her.

You bagged her.

I was supposed to set you two up instead.

You worked a double shift.

The worst thing I could do now would be to pretend there's an excuse for what I

did.

There is an excuse.

Really? I always assumed you shagged Eileen without really thinking about it.

I never stopped to think that maybe you liked Eileen.

Maybe even as much as me.

Very attractive.

I'm supposing you'd bagged her the first. I mean, what would I have done?

I'd have done my best not to shag her, but at the end of the day, if she'd

offered, I'd honestly say I wouldn't have.

The fact is, the only reason you'd have done something like Shag Island was if

you really liked her.

You don't think it could have just been a meaningless woman, Stan?

You're not that much of a shit.

That's a very good point.

So, seeing as you like her so much, and seeing as she fancies you,

If you want to start seeing Eileen, it's fine by me. I wouldn't want to upset

you.

Do you know what would upset me more?

Is if you didn't go out with her because of me.

Even though I'm only here a few weeks.

You'd better use what time you've got left.

So it's forgiven?

Even better. He's not going to stand in my way if I want to go out with her.

What if you don't want to?

I don't. I didn't think so.

It can't be that bad. She's quite attractive. She's got a lovely bed.

All I have to do is, you know, see her a few times, string it along until

Christmas, and then, you know, just run away.

Nothing like true love.

You were special.

That's it. I've had enough.

And I don't care if this makes you cry.

That fetus was doomed the moment it inherited your genes.

No amount of hot housing, positive energy, or fucking lettuce is going to

So bring us to our palace where we'll show what's yet behind that meets you.

should all know.

The end.

That is a shit ending.

No one dies.

They all get married. They have sex. They live in a palace.

I'd call that a happy ending.

Angelo marries Mariana, but he fancies Isabella.

So? So he's doing the wrong thing.

The way I hear it, that sometimes, you know, the wrong thing isn't necessarily

the wrong thing to do.

What the fuck are you talking about?

He doesn't hate Mariana.

He shagged her, didn't he? And she seemed to enjoy it. And, well, he'll get

executed if he doesn't marry her.

Hi, Lee.

Hi.

Do you want to come for a drink?

Should you really be talking to me? What, is your friend Steven?

Actually, good news. He's okay, you know.

Oh,

I'll come for a drink.

Great. But I'm not going to speak with you again.

Let's be clear about that.

Fine by me.

Is this because of what I said this morning?

How I'd made a big mistake and how it can never happen again? No, it's fine.

Because that was me on a bad day.

I just don't fancy you anymore.

You don't?

Sorry.

You did enjoy it, eh? It was nice.

Don't sugarcoat it on my account.

I just prefer men who are less needy.

You're fine, mate.

I'll see you down there.

Oh.

Bad luck, eh?

Yeah, gutsy.

Maybe she just didn't enjoy it. She enjoyed it.

Yeah, right.

Coming down the pub, Kurt.

What's he doing?

That's all right. I've forgiven him.

You could have told me.

I'll come and find you.

Well, I'm not forgiving him.

Suit yourself.

See you later.

OK, I'll forgive you.

If you buy me a pint.

Start off.

The way I see it, the bet's officially void.

How do you work that out? I only made it on the basis that Simon had been

travelling. I was only going because he went, and because he didn't go, I don't

have to, which means...

So let's cancel, and you don't own my eyebrows.

You were never going to go anyway.

Oh, never know that for sure.

Kurt has an excellent point.

You think so?

There's probably a clause in the contract saying that it's only

Simon having been travelling.

Really?

No. I'm lucky.

I can't.

Do you want me to help you with that? I'll be fine.

Well done, mate.

We spoke to her.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe now that Simon's shagged her, you don't think so highly of her.

Probably. Well, if you want to make a move, I'm not going to stand in your

No way.

Don't mind, seriously.

The ex is hexed. Be against all my principles.

She's hardly an ex.

It would be a shit thing if I started flirting with her in front of you.

Friends don't do that to each other.

Can I get her on a drink?

You sit down.

I'll get you a drink.

Thanks. Vodka tonic?

You just sit down.

Hey, check this out.

Thank you.

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