All language subtitles for Teachers s03e05.eng

Women with teddy bear hot water bottles.

I couldn't shag a woman with a teddy
bear water bottle.

Men with road signs in their bedroom.

Women who collect ceramic cakes.

Men with wedding rings.

Kurt? Oh, yeah.

Women who talk in that little girl
voice.

Or, uh, they're too obvious, you know.
Okay, all right. Let's give Kurt a turn,

then. Kurt?

Actually, there are lots of things that
would put me off having sex with a

woman. Like what?

Well...

If she was too old, for instance.

How old's too old? I don't know.

Fifty. Oh, yeah.

Double that and I'm twenty.

Actually, women reach their sexual peak
at forty, so fifty's only ten years

after that.

It's not today, is it?

What?

Your birthday?

No.

It's on Friday.

Really?

So, how old are you going to be?

Well, I'm 29 now, so maybe you can work
it out for yourself.

30?

Fucking hell.

It's no big deal. It's just a number.

Yeah, but it's a fucking big number.

Fucking hell, 30.

So, are you going to have a party? No, I
can't be all.

I don't want to make a big fuss about
this.

And I especially don't want Liz
presenting me with a giant card with a

puppy on it.

I'd be grateful if you didn't tell
anyone else it was me birthday.

30th birthday.

Ah, don't worry.

Kurt'll double shag you.

Remind me of the second time How about

using some fucking handset, Lou?

Only three more days to go.

Don't worry about this. I'm sure you
look wonderful with a waffle.

What's the matter?

You're not worried I'm gonna run around
killing everyone you're thirsty?

Who's 30?

Lindsay's 30th birthday on Friday.

Congratulations.

Come on, 30 -30 is hardly the end of the
world, is it?

What do you mean, is it? Why are you
asking me?

Come on!

Do you think I'm thirsty?

I really have nothing wrong with being
thirsty.

Okay. Which one of you told Liz I was
going to be 30?

It wasn't me. It wasn't me. I've been
with you the whole time.

It doesn't mean the whole time,
obviously.

No, obviously.

We don't, you know, go to the loo
together.

We're not women.

I thought you wanted me to tell her.

It's like if Kurt were to say to me,
don't tell Lindsay, but I really fancy

He's told me that because he wants me to
tell you.

Look, I'm not having a midlife crisis or
anything. I just don't want some rancid

old dinner lady digging a sponge out of
a manky old trifle, stuffing a candle in

the top of it and forcing me to eat it
in front of her. Yeah, well, that's what

you say.

Just a one brief announcement this
morning.

As it's National Mental Health Week,
there will be a mental health fair in

hall on Thursday.

I'd also like you all to take mental
illness with your discussion topic in

week's tutor group.

Liz has the handouts.

I'm fully aware that some children think
mental illness is a source of

amusements.

On a more positive note, it may also be
an opportunity to exclude some of our

more difficult pupils on medical
grounds.

So...

Anyone here think they might be mental?
No.

Being educationally subnormal is
different.

Grint.

Would you call an infomaniac mental?

What? No, of course not.

Well, only if you turn me down.

So how do we know Ruby hasn't got Down
syndrome?

Ruby has not got Down syndrome.

So you're a biology teacher as well as a
geography teacher, are you? No, I just

have experience of life.

I know what someone with Down syndrome
looks like.

So what do they look like, then?

You know, they're the ones who... What
does a cretin

look like, then?

That's very good, sir.

So, not long to go now.

What?

You call, bam, your tits hit the floor.

You're wasting your time, Brian, that I
really don't care.

Because I know I've still got ten years
before I reach my sexual peak.

Yeah, but who wants to have sex with a
woman with tits flapping around like

right big spazzy flippers? You're just
jealous because I'm still... ripening.

Whereas you're all well past your sexual
health, I guess.

What do you mean?

Of course we're not.

Well, men are supposed to reach their
sexual peak at about 18.

But I can't be past my sexual peak.

As the one who did the last supermarket
shop, I can say we are getting through

less tissues than we used to.

Don't look now, but I think someone's
got a bit of a crush on me.

He's staring at me all through lunch,
too.

Don't look.

That fucking little weirdo. What's weird
about him? He's in my teeter group. He

takes no... I don't think that's weird.
I think it's rather sweet.

So... If men reach their sexual peak
when they're 18, and the graph of their

sexual ability is symmetrical, that
means I'm... That means when you slept

Liz, for her it was like sleeping with a
ten -year -old.

An eleven -year -old, actually.

Let's compromise, shall we? How about an
eleven -year -old with a ten -year

-old's penis?

Men's sperm keeps working even after
they're dead.

Yeah, but women live longer than men.
Not fat ones.

Look at Divine.

Divine was a man.

Was he? Yes.

Oh, he's still fat.

Now he's dead.

Good night.

You're knocking down the pot.

Much as I'd like to pass the evening
discussing obesity and death, I've got

things to do.

Like what?

I've got to get Jessica a present.

It's her birthday on Friday too.

Your wife's birthday's on the same day
as Lindsay's. Well worked out.

That means you've both got the same star
signs.

You two should start up a detective
agency.

That means in another life, you might
have been the one who married Matt.

If you'd been a bit less fat.

Of course, if he'd met you and his wife
at the same time, you wouldn't have

stood a chance.

Of marrying Matt?

You know, if you'd have had to fight for
him.

Not physically, obviously.

So why wouldn't I stand a chance?

Well, you're just not his type, are you?
Matt and his wife probably sit down and

share a bottle of wine over dinner,
whereas you're more a bottle of Diamond

White in front of the TV kind of girl.

Yeah, and I bet after dinner they...

Light a few candles.

Get out with my father.

Mind if I join you?

Safety in numbers.

Erica can't keep her eyes off me.

That, I suppose, when you've had the
best.

And the biggest.

Well, you've got to admit it.

They've got a great life.

Their own house.

Two kids.

And I bet they've got a cleaner.

And a widescreen telly. And they've got
each other. And she's gorgeous.

You don't know anything about Matt's
life, not really.

For all you know, he could be having
affairs left, right and centre.

Yeah, she's right.

You can't tell.

Everything seems fine.

She tells you a dog bit her backside and
that's the reason she's got bruises

there and... Of course, you find that...

I bet.

Why would he need to?

I bet he doesn't even wank anymore.
Yeah.

Matt's got integrity.

Sometimes it's difficult to work out who
you prefer to shag.

Matt's wife or Matt.

You're just bitter because you're 30.

You do know that Matt's 30 as well,
don't you? Yeah, but he's a bloke. It's

well -known fact that men, unlike women,
get more attractive as they grow older.

Is that true?

That depends if you find nasal hair and
beer bellies attractive.

No offence, Bob.

What?

Oh, no, not taken.

Things like that don't matter when
you're well endowed in other areas.

Well, maybe that's my problem.

Well, you could try tying weights to it.

No, I mean I look too young.

I wish I was 39, Matt.

Why? Can't you see it's not going to
change anything?

You're going to be in the pub at the age
of 80, wondering if a different brand

of nappies might get you a shag? Well,
if I am, so are you.

I know.

I've just seen my future and I don't
have one.

I'm 30.

And what have I got to look forward to?
Nothing.

Another 40 years of disgust on the side
of your penis and playing this stupid

shagging game?

I thought you didn't mind being 30.

Of course I fucking mind being 30.

Your 30th birthday is the most important
day of your entire life. So you are

going to have a party, then?

To celebrate what?

The fact that pretty soon, every time I
sneeze, I'm going to wet myself.

Well, your 40th's worse.

You

shouldn't

let it get to you. You don't look
birthday.

Daughter?

No, you can never tell how old fat
people are.

The fat kind of pushes the wrinkles out.

Sometimes I wish I was fat.

Come on, kill me.

Come on, do it.

Are those for me?

No. These are for you, miss.

Really?

But what about...

I've told you about loitering in
corridors.

If I catch you doing it again, you'll be
in trouble.

Fucking little weirdo.

What have you got on your head?

Nothing.

What have you got on your head?

Come on.

You've been wearing my fucking towel.

And your hair.

What is wrong with you?

My hair is just a bit greasy.

A little bit of pout might help dry it
out.

No, you don't.

You thought it might make you look
great.

You're mature.

You're attractive to women.

It's all right for you and Matt.

My boyish good looks are like a curse.

Morning. Morning.

Have a good night last night?

Yeah, thanks.

I bet.

I mean, compared to the night me and
Brian had.

Not together.

You know, I mean in the pub, drinking.

Like men.

Got a secret admirer, have you? Like a
stalker. He didn't seem to mind because

he thought he was stalking you.

I would have minded if he'd given me
flowers.

Why? What's wrong with flowers?

Flowers are what you put on people's
gravestones.

They're also what you give people when
you like them, when you find them

attractive. There's no harm in it.

When I was his age.

I had a push on my biology teacher.

He was gorgeous.

And did you find yourself breaking into
his house and stabbing him through the

eyes?

Just to say, we still need volunteers to
man the stalls for tomorrow's mental

health fair.

Well, anyone who wants to help out can
see lit about that later.

I've also had a complaint from a parent
about inappropriate language.

A spastic is someone with cerebral
palsy.

Not someone who misses an open goal on
the football field, Mr Stadler.

Tell you what, it's best to come from
that behalf of Parkside better than the

centre -forward I've got at the moment.

It's quite flattering really, isn't it?

That's just because it's slightly
convex.

Having a kid to have a crush on you.

You're right.

I can't look 30.

Look. I've even got a bit of acne.

Well, congratulations.

You really wouldn't know I was four
years older than you, would you?

Who wouldn't?

How old would you say I looked?

Old?

Sorry, all I heard you say was old.

Very old.

Can anyone tell me how you work out a
dog's age?

One human year is the same as seven dog
years, right?

Yes, miss.

No, wrong.

Some breeds of dog live longer than
others.

A Great Dane will only live for eight
years, whereas something like a Collie

will live to twice that age. So, in
effect, one dog might look much older

another dog, but would in fact be
younger.

No, don't write me down. I'm just...

Making a general point about the ageing
process.

I wonder what matters.

Maybe he's gone home too much.

I wonder what he's having for dessert.

Ooh, something gorgeous either.

You two are so pathetic, you don't even
know what my wife looks like.

Yes, we do.

Describe her, then.

Well, she's... gorgeous.

Only two more days to go.

Is he still there?

Who? This kid's got a crush on me.

He's following me around.

You sure you don't just smell at
sausages?

Do you want me to put the primers on?
No, mine.

I've fallen away with the compliment,
really.

Is he good -looking?

He's 13.

Just because someone looks young doesn't
mean they can't be attractive.

Oh, look, must be serious.

She's even bought him flowers.

One of those things they never talk
about, isn't it?

Stalking can actually pay off.

I wonder what they're doing now.

Probably watching the news.

She keeps staring at my crotch.

It's unnerving.

Right.

Well, don't mind me.

Carry on.

No, please don't.

Do you think they've got a TV in their
bedroom?

Don't say things like that.

Make the bedroom sound like a Chinese
takeaway. Oh, will you fucking stop it?

For all you know, Matt's wife could be a
dead winner for Bob.

No offence.

Don't worry about me.

Anyhow, it's not only what you can see
on the surface that... Knock off. She

looks nothing like Bob.

How do you know?

You've only seen her by a little light
that comes on when you open a car door.

Anyone looks good in near complete
darkness.

Good evening.

Oh, someone's got an admirer.

Jack Hiley bought them for her. You
know, the faker. He's not a faker.

Are you sure?

He gave some to Claire last week, too.

And the week before that, he gave some
to Miss Parkinson.

Chew back up.

He gave some to the Wookiee? Just about
100 years old.

To be fair, you don't know that. You'd
have to shave off all that hair to

find out how old she was.

Well, he obviously likes a bit of
wrinkly skin he can grab hold of. Did

him that women reach their sexual peak
at 42?

Has he ever given you flowers?

No. You're older than me.

Oh, what can I say?

Obviously, I don't look it.

Maybe because I take better care of
myself than you.

Oh, I don't like it.

So, Brian and I were wondering, have you
got your wife a birthday present yet?

Because maybe we can help.

Brian's great at picking out presents.

No, it's okay. What does she look like?

Have you got a photograph?

It could help us help you. I really
think I should. Oh, go on.

Please.

Okay. But I'm not really sure how this
is going to help.

Wow.

She's gorgeous.

Hey, Penny.

Come and have a look at my wife.

Isn't she gorgeous?

Yeah.

How old is she?

Actually, she's going to be 30.

You mean she's exactly the same age as
Lindsay?

She doesn't look, eh?

Hey, don't worry about it. I'm far more
attractive than Matt's wife.

At least you would be if you lost a few
pounds.

Look, you've still got your acne.

It's not acne, it's a pink pussy liver
spot.

Of course, it may not be just that I
take such good care of myself.

Maybe it's my attitude.

It could be because I behave younger
than you.

What do you mean?

You're a bit of a grumpy old pensioner.
I think it's all that moaning you do.

When do I moan?

All the time.

When? Give me an example.

When you have to deal with the kids,
when you have to talk to the parents,

Claire calls you into her office.

Whenever something like work upsets your
get -up -skype -get -drunk routine.

You even complain when someone sits in
your seat in the pub.

It's my chair.

I've spent months wearing it into
exactly the right shape.

You've got my number.

Why don't you use it?

You know my name.

You want to do this, do this.

You want to, want to, want to, want to
have someone to talk to.

You've got my number.

Listen, I am not retirement.

I'm not suffering from some terminal
illness. I don't need your sympathy.

I don't mind being safety.

In fact, I think it's great.

It's cool for celebration, but not for a
giant fucking car.

I'm having a party tomorrow night down
the pub. You're all invited.

Don't know about you lot, but I'm going
to be drinking my agent pints.

What's your problem?

I told you I hated giant cars with
puppies on.

Actually, it was a kitten.

On a bicycle.

And it wasn't for you. It was a get
-well -soon card for Mr. Watsit.

Apparently he's got something wrong with
his liver.

That's why he's that bright orange
-yellow colour.

Smells of cheese.

I wasn't going to ask you to sign it,
because you've bored me enough with your

giant card -with -puppies -on speech.

So what do you say?

What? About behaving like a spoilt
little brat.

Because I'm nearly 30 doesn't mean I
have to act like I am.

I'm disappointed to say not a single
member of staff has volunteered to help

with this afternoon's mental health
fair.

As a consequence, I'm asking Liz to
assign members of staff to stalls at her

discretion.

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm experimenting.

What with? Looking like a tosser.

You don't think it makes me look older?

Not really.

Yeah, maybe it does.

Yeah, it does.

Makes you look like an old tosser.

Say I'm impulsive.

Your youthful joie de vivre doesn't seem
to have scared him off yet.

Whatever.

Shit, what's that smell?

Kurt started smoking a pipe.

And how exactly is this going to make
you more attractive to women?

I actually don't. I've got things to do.

I'm off to score some feed from that
anorexic girl in the SM.

She's going for her second adolescence.

So... Did Matt tell you his wife liked
bagpipes and you misunderstood?

Hmm. I sense a little bit of jealousy
there. Now you've seen how gorgeous she

is.

All you've seen of her is a crumpled old
passport photograph.

For all you know, she might not even
have legs.

Doesn't bother me.

Of course she's got legs. She drives a
car.

You don't need legs to drive a car.

You don't need legs to drive a car.

No, she's right.

All you need to drive a car these days
is a torso and a straw.

He's dead.

So, Kurt and I were just wondering, has
your wife got any hobby?

Why?

Well, you know, we were thinking of what
you could buy her as a birthday

present. How about jogging?

Does she jog?

We could buy some jogging shoes.

It's sweet of you to take an interest,
but really, there's no need.

What do you mean, no need?

Well, stop following me.

Great. How did you manage that?

I ran away.

What's the matter with you two?

This coat is hiding in the toilets.

Or more precisely, smelters.

We've got to do this mental health fair
thing.

Oh, come on, it might be fun.

It's a fair.

We might get to throw wet sponges at
Natters or something.

I think it's going to be a little more
educational than that.

Well, maybe we'll get to ask the Natters
questions.

If they get them wrong, then we get to
throw wet sponges at them.

Well, enjoy yourselves.

We're off down the pub to get smashed.

We're not going to have to drink
snakebite, are we?

Ah, just room for two more.

You made this one up, didn't you?

Don't look her in the eye. Don't give
her the satisfaction.

So what are you going to do now?

Oh, no.

Are you out of bread rolls?

You could always pretend to be a teacher
in nearly 30 for a moment and go over

and talk to him.

Apparently they live together.

I reckon the big one eats all the little
one's food.

Look, it's very flattering that you find
me attractive.

We don't.

Then why the flowers?

Why have you been following me around?

Have you always fancied older women?

Oh, fuck no. Because I can tell you now
that Miss Hunter and Miss Parkinson are

both much older than me.

So why did you give us flowers then?

Well, you know, I just thought you'd
like them.

What, more than other people?

Maybe.

Why?

Well, you know, I just thought maybe not
many people got you flowers.

What?

So you think I'm such a sad, ugly old
freak that no -one's ever given me

before?

And you thought that by giving them to
me, what, I'd give you better marks or

something?

Is that what this is about?

Didn't think it would do any harm.

A 13 -year -old thinks I'm as sad as a
hairy pensioner with a speech

I might as well kill myself now.

Don't let him get to you.

Lots of kids love Star Wars.

There are plenty more 13 -year -olds in
the state.

The important thing is, you've still got
your mates.

Yeah.

All right.

Fine one, then.

A birthday present for Jessica.

Not yet.

Her birthday's tomorrow.

Her 30th birthday?

What are you doing standing here? You've
got to go and sort something out now.

She'll think you're neglecting her.

But I'm throwing her a surprise party.

Great. When?

Well, on her birthday.

You'd all be invited, obviously, but
unfortunately you'll be going to

party, so sorry, it means I won't be
able to come to yours, but there was

no other... Great, because I'm not
having a party anymore.

Now, everyone can go to yours and just
leave me alone.

So what time is this party?

But you've got to have a party. It's
your 30th birthday. Why?

Why have I got to have a party just
because I'm 30?

What is that to celebrate? The fact that
my face is beginning to look like an

elephant's ass.

At any moment now, I'm going to want to
start playing bridge.

So, where is this party?

Morning. Happy birthday.

How are you feeling?

OK, thanks.

You're not feeling depressed, then,
about being so old?

What's that to be depressed about? I'm
30.

So what?

There's nothing I can do about it. It's
just something I'm going to have to

accept.

Right.

Well, happy birthday, then.

What is it? They're taking the top off
Jam Jar.

I bought it off the bloke on the outside
of the stand.

I am the captain of everyone.

To pick you up and bring you...

Hi. Look, I've been thinking. I really
think you should have a party, you know?

Tell me the truth.

I am not having a party.

Here she is.

Birthday girl herself. We got you this.

Shouldn't have done. Open it.

See?

Every single member of staff has signed
it.

I even got Mr. Watson to sign it from
his hospital bed.

Read it.

I hope you drop dead before I do, Mr.
Watsit.

That's actually your handwriting.

Oh, he dictated it. He's too weak to
hold a pen now.

I'd just like to thank everyone who
helped Man the Stalls at the Mental

Charities Fair.

I think most people found it
educational.

Apart from Mr.

McKenna, that is.

I never want to see For Being a Mong
written as an explanation in the

book again. Thank you, Mr McKenna.

And congratulations to Miss Pierce,
who's 30 today.

I want to see you in my office now.

I suppose you know why I've called you
in here.

Have you got me a birthday present?

I've had a complaint from Jack Kiley's
mother.

She says you've been questioning him
about his sexual preferences.

What?

Of course I haven't.

She says you asked him whether he
enjoyed having sex with older women.

Normally, I'd have to suspend someone
when an allegation like this is made

against them.

However, seeing as it's Mental Health
Awareness Week, and as we already

Staff shortages. I'm prepared to tell
his mother you were just fulfilling a

government directive on sex education.

Thank you.

You do know Jack's father's a florist,
don't you?

He just steals flowers from the shop.

And Grint's father owns a sweet shop, so
if he presents you with a box of milk

tray, please don't read anything into
it.

I won't.

I promise.

I've behaved like an immature...

From now on, I'm going to be a lot more
old.

Act my age, not my shoe size.

Not continental sizes, obviously.

Lisa.

I just want to say I'm sorry I told Mr.
Watson to get well called the other day.

I thought it was for me.

I don't want to hear your pathetic
excuses.

I want to know how you're going to make
up for it.

I was wondering if you could sign this
for me.

What did you call?

It's for...

Mr. Watsit. You may have found one
earlier, but it got lost.

So I'm getting people... Mr. Watsit?
I've never even heard of Mr. Watsit.

You know, physics teacher.

Late 40s, early 50s.

Average height.

Slightly oriental in colouring.

You mean Alan Pringle? Pringle, of
course.

You call him Mr. Watsit?

You do know he's suffering from
hepatitis, don't you?

And you had something wrong with your
liver. And you think it's really funny

call a man with a life -threatening
disease Mr. What's -It.

So what do you call me behind my back?

Mr. Salami Knob?

Mr. Baguette Cock?

Well, don't let me keep you.

You've got stink bombs to let off.

Don't worry about it.

It wasn't right for you anyhow.

You never know.

You might pull at Matt's wife's party.

There's bound to be a lot of very drunk
people around.

I'm not going to Matt's wife's party.

Hi.

Hi.

You're not really coming to the party,
are you?

Sorry, I didn't know we spoke at our
SVP.

I really don't think you should come.

Why not?

What are you so worried about?

Look, you were the one who said never
again. I accepted that, didn't I?

I never threw myself at you. I never
embarrassed you in public.

Why do you think I'd do it now?

All right.

Put it like this.

I don't want you to come.

Well, if you don't think that it's...
Here he is, the man himself.

Kurt and me were wondering what should
we wear to the party.

Oh, um, it really doesn't matter. Just
so long as we turn up, right?

Yay.

Trying to get a quart into a pint pot.

Do you mind if I join you?

Um, that's just beer.

Do you always take your drink at the
gents with you?

Oh, I don't want her slipping anything
into it.

So you're here on your own?

Not anymore.

You're not going to Matt's party, then?
No. No, not me. I don't like parties.

Too stuffy. All that talk about nothing.

Far more enjoyable to spend a night down
at the pub, you know.

Relax, be yourself, let it all hang out.

What do you fancy?

What?

What do you want to drink?

Oh, er... Nothing. I'm trying to cut
down on the alcohol intake.

Shit! What am I doing here?

Hiya. Hi. I thought someone might be in
need of pensions at life.

Shit.

I feel like a prick.

Why did you tell me to wear a suit?

Not even that.

It makes me look like I might have a
sports car.

What makes you think that?

That's what the man in the shop said.

It just makes you look like you've been
conned by a man in the shop.

Hi, I'm Jessica, Matt's wife.

I'm Lindsay, Brian and Kurt. Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Would you like a drink?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

I'll have a beer.

I'll help him.

What the fuck are you

doing here?

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were just making a fuck
about me not coming because you secretly

wanted me to.

Are you going to let me in?

It's amazing what they can do with a
pathetic lens these days, isn't it?

Still looks like Bob, does she?

No, but she's probably as boring.

Have you spoken to her? Yes, absolutely
we have.

What about?

Oh, you know, just general stuff.

She's great.

Yeah, she is.

So, um, are they a couple then, Kurt and
Brian?

Yes.

So, that's your wife?

Yeah.

Well, Brian and Kurt really like her.

Stupid there being this tension between
us the whole time.

Can we just draw a line under the path,
start again, and try and have a normal

conversation like other people do?

I've heard we can try.

So you're not worried about turning 30?
No.

In fact, there are some things I'm
looking forward to about going old.

like what?

Having to get the checkout girl at
Sainsbury's to tell you which one's the

That.

And falling asleep in the cinema and
breathing like a horse.

Maybe we could have been friends if we
hadn't been, you know, attracted to each

other. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe.

Or maybe we could still be friends.

Maybe. Or do you think the sexual
attraction will always get in the way?

What do you think?

I don't see why it should.

I think you can separate sex and
friendship.

I mean, sex is just physical pleasure,
isn't it?

Yes. I mean, having sex with someone
doesn't have to mean anything more than

having a game of squash with them, does
it?

No, I suppose not.

Is there anywhere I can hide my coat?

Yeah, of course.

I'll show you.

I take this bra off and I could carry a
telegraph pole in my teeth.

In another life, I must have been an
elephant in an Indian lumberyard. What,

think this is my natural shape? I mean,
I've breastfed two children. I take my

bra off and my teeth flop out like two
manky old hot water bottles. Manky,

old hot water bottles.

I'm sorry, my life is worse than yours.
I spend my entire time looking after

children. What does it exactly think I
do for a living?

Yeah, but you can escape in the
evenings, get a bit of adult

Well, that depends.

If you call compiling a list of the top
ten most shaggable cartoon characters

adult conversation.

I reckon I can wangle the key to the
janitor's cupboard.

Great. He's got one of those hooves with
a smiley face. Maybe you could shag

that.

Well, I'm sure we can find somewhere
else if you don't like the idea. What

I'm not sleeping with you again.

What?

Why not?

Because it's your turn to know what it
feels like to be dumped for no

reason.

Hi. You must be Jessica.

I'm Penny. I work with your husband.

Hi. You haven't seen him, have you?

What's she like? She was joking about
that hot water bottle thing, wasn't she?

Oh, dear. Did you scare her off?

Sorry. Jamie's been sick. I think I'd
better lie down with him for a bit. Is

there anything in that?

Oh, he's over by the stairs.

I need a drink.

Happy birthday.

You're too kind.

I'll pay for this round. Now, this is
what I call a birthday party.

Couldn't wish for anything more, could
you?

A pint and your mates.

I don't think I'm going to celebrate my
30th birthday.

I'm not looking forward to it.

What?

Why not? Not anymore.

So long as I still look young, I've got
an excuse for not getting laid.

Turning 30's not so bad, really.

Don't make up your fucking mind.

Well, it's not.

Maybe I will spend the rest of my life
down this pub talking about the size of

kid's penis.

But at least I'm not tied down by a
relationship or kids or a job I enjoy.

I could do anything I wanted with my
life, really.

I wasn't too lazy to get off my fat off.

Oh, yeah, and one more thing.

When I wake up in the morning with a
stick down my front, I know it's me own.

Look, did you say she had something like
corned beef stuck between them? Of

course. That's another thing.

Thick between her tits.

I couldn't shag a woman who had thick
between her tits.

What I don't understand is if a woman's
given birth... Wouldn't you have to have

a knob the size of a baby? Should my
ears be burning?

What?

I thought you were talking about me.

No.

We were talking about what would put you
off shagging someone.

Oh, well, if they tasted like prawn
cocktail crisps.

You know, all over.

Tie a fit, then.

Never again.

They'll bring their work home with them,
if you know what I mean.

You mean they use a tyre lever?

Women with yellow fingers, too. You
know, from years of smoking, 60 a day,

for some unaccountable reason, think it
would be very enjoyable if they stuffed

them in your mouth.

And ones who burp every time you put any
weight on their stomach.

And armpit dreadlocks.

It really is a turn -off.

Verrucas? Yes?

I haven't seen a Veruca for years.

I didn't know where they'd gone to, but,
well, I'm there now.

Okay.

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