All language subtitles for Teachers s03e03

What would it take for you to shag
Erica?

What are you offering? Two pints. No,
three.

When the light catches her in a certain
way, she reminds me of a fat Catherine

Vita Jones.

Like a fat John Prescott. Bet you
wouldn't do that with me.

How much? A pint.

No. Two pints.

Why do you bother going through this
when you wouldn't dare to say anything

her anyway?

Who wouldn't? Don't dare him, because
he'll do it. You wouldn't do it for two

pounds, but you'd do it for a dare. So I
became a teacher. His mates dared him.

I was joking.

You withdrawing the dare? There wasn't
one.

So, your motivation to become a teacher
has nothing to do with educating future

generations. Is it yours?

I was told that he could stack the
future training columns.

Say me.

My butt.

Imagine sex is what makes most people do
most things. And what about love? Comes

in a poor fourth after sex, power and
money.

A fucking disaster!

What? I'm out of facts!

I'm motivated by sex.

How? You think smoking makes you sexy?

No

chance.

Why not?

Too attractive.

Too attractive?

Too much after for too little reward.

He means she'd laugh in his face and
then tell him to fuck off.

I don't like it.

Why? Because she's obviously got three
kids by three different dads. Which

she can't be that choosy.

Can't afford to be.

Bit of a dog who sleeps around.

Perfect.

Oh, well, there's certainly no danger of
being a jack -of -all -trades and

master of none.

He's surprisingly immature at his age.

You have no idea how Graham's doing. Not
in English, nor I teach biology.

You can't have it again?

And Troy is one of how many? Three.

He thinks you're great.

And again, you teach IT, and anything
that helps him access more dubious

websites is great in his eyes.

Super.

Well, nice to meet you.

That's it.

Uh, Troy's assessment sheet.

The school number's on it.

Just in case there's anything that you
may need to talk to me about.

Great. Fantastic.

What?

Nothing. I just have to see about the
signs.

If you need to talk, for any reason...
What are you doing?

I'm on my armpit.

What? I'm on my fucking armpit.

A bit musty, but not bad.

I was talking to Troy McNeil's mum. I
say talking,

basically she was trying to jump me.

Really? She said she thought I was
great.

She actually said that? She said Troy
said that I was great, which you don't

repeat to someone unless you think
they're great too, do you?

Anyway, I was just about to go for it
and she pulled back.

It's like she suddenly smelled something
and wham!

No. What the hell was it then?

Bollocks.

Say that again.

Bollocks. Oh, it's your breath.

It smells like a rotting ashtray.

Is that bad?

I quite like the smell of stale
cigarettes when I open a person's

It's sexy.

You find the smell of old stale anything
sexy.

Is anyone actually manning their desk?

Just on the way back in.

You're next on our list.

You need some chewing gum.

Cover up the smell.

Oh, brilliant.

Give us some.

Last bit.

Sorry.

Are you chewing, Travis?

No explanation as to why Kayla's doing
so badly in geography.

Is she?

You think C's and D's are okay?

I built a career on them.

This isn't a joking matter.

Who's joking?

Let me put this as simply as I can.

As a parent, I'm not happy with my
daughter's progress.

And unless I see a significant
improvement, I will take the matter

And as school secretary, I can always
find a window for Mrs. Webb, should she

wish to see the head.

Who's Mrs.

Webb?

Steal cigarette with a hint of
spearmint.

Bye. Yeah, bye.

You're in there, mate.

You reckon?

As long as you remember never to
breathe.

Not for me.

What?

I'm giving up.

What's going on?

Kurt's giving up smoking.

I just don't fancy a cigarette. No big
deal. You can't not smoke.

Why not?

Because it's Kurt.

It'll be like you, Chuck, look
intelligent.

I don't need it. No one needs it. We
just really, really want it. I don't.

Quite amazing what some people do for
sex.

Well, hypnotism come cheap.

I'm really fucking impressed, mate.

He gave up just like that.

Piece of piss.

I'm making a direct ref.

Talk Kayla out or I'll go to Claire.

The night boat, Kayla. It's wrapped in
geography.

Probably.

Nothing.

Right.

I just want to know why you're not doing

well in my class.

What am I doing wrong?

Nothing. Must be something.

It's a bit personal.

Oh, fine, I can handle that. What is it?
Personal to you, I mean. What?

It's your voice.

My voice?

It's kind of monotonous.

Monotonous? And repetitive.

Repetitive? Makes nothing boring.

Really, really boring, actually.

See ya.

Do you

think

my voice is monotonous? In what way?

In a monotonous sort of way.

How many have you had? None.

Trace of the tarpaulin, apart from my
acne.

Oh, shit.

Hi.

Well,

see you.

Bye.

She is gagging for it.

Did I miss something at Picnicon between
hi and bye?

If anything's going to drive you to
fags, it's the school at 8 .45 on a

morning.

Think shag.

Brian's right.

You can have a fag any time. A shag may
not be so easy to find.

I give him about two days.

Give him half at least. No, I can't. How
much?

Fiver.

You're not going to run a book on how
long he lost.

You've said it before.

Who's going to run it?

Me. Why not?

Kurt always runs a book. Well, he can't
very well run this one, can he?

You as deputy.

Phoebe, two columns, one more names, one
more times.

Put me down for 36 hours.

17. You said two days.

17. 41.

Moved out of the mobile B &B then, Bob?

I have a place to stay now, yep. With a
shower facility?

Several.

Thank you.

For anyone who's not lost property
recently, we've mysteriously acquired a

vest, some socks and one large... dark
brown brogue.

Any light throwing would be gratefully
received.

On another note, I've become aware
recently of a general sense of lethargy

the school.

I feel there could be a considerable
improvement in our motivational skills.

Businesses benefit from taking a fresh
look in this area, and I believe schools

can too.

One area in particular reflects this
impression are after -school clubs and

activities.

Last year, we had 22.

This term, we have three.

A list appears, and I'd like you to fill
in where you feel you can help.

Feel free to fill in more than one
activity.

Better to have too many volunteers than
not enough.

That'll be all.

Just to keep you in the loop, Mrs.
Webb's booking a provisional meeting

Claire for next week.

Might be an idea to have given the Kayla
situation some thought before then.

Who's Mrs. Webb?

Liz. Why's she calling herself Mrs.
Webb?

It's her name. No, it's not. Her name's
Liz. Liz Webb.

Shit.

How can I make my voice more
interesting?

I don't know. Try chucking in a few gear
shifts, changes of emphasis.

Go up at the end of sentences.

Yeah? The only definite way to make it
more interesting is to shut up

altogether. You fucking sake -stinking
southern puff.

No, you fucking sake -stinking southern
puff.

Morning.

Sorry, I mean... Morning.

Everyone all right?

Today we're going to look at... We're
going to look at...

The European Community.

Stir it in my children's building And
live long

If you lost your faith in love and

music All the ends won't be long Because

if it don't feel like you may lose it
Then that would be wrong

Try so hard

I've always been there when I needed
support, you know?

Got me through all the key events.

School, college, first girlfriend.

First time a woman laughed at your cock?

Never, ever let me down.

You had to learn to get by on your own.

Brian knows where Bob's staying.

Found his nest in the equipment
cupboard.

Poor Bob. Poor Bob!

He's washing his fucking underwear in my
private sink.

Plus he left two pairs of drying on my
radiator.

At least he's washing them now.

Where do you

reckon he's washing his

actual tackle, then?

That's the last time I drink out of that
tap.

You don't have to hide where you're
going.

I can handle it. We're going for a
smoke.

Oh, fuck.

Have a coffee.

What's coffee without a fag? Look at the
paper, then.

H3, your favourite. What's tits without
a fag?

Go for a walk, get some fresh air.

What's fresh air without a fag? Do some
marking. At least then you'll look like

you're being a good teacher.

I don't care about looking like a good
teacher.

This isn't about looking like a good
fucking teacher.

It's about not being a stinking turn
-off to someone who covets my body.

right. I mean, what's lung cancer
compared to dog's breath and life

shag? Oh, I lastly understand.

Is there anything that you do that you
don't associate with a cigarette?

Nothing could get me to give up.

What if you woke up one morning and
found that you were a sad, curvy little

with a cockless eye and a pencil who
hadn't had sex in God knows how long and

the chance of a shag cropped up just as
long as you could hold off the fags for

a week?

When you put it like that... Little
twat.

What was all that about?

I asked his honest opinion about my
voice and the little fucker gave it to

If you were Kayla's dad, would you be
blaming me for the fact she's doing

in geography?

If I was Kayla's dad... If I was Kayla's
dad, I'd probably be in prison for

child murder.

Possibly wife murder, too.

Lizards are bad.

Kurt shagged her and he's still scared
of her. He's more scared, actually.

What am I going to do about my voice?
How the fuck should we know? Maybe the

problem isn't that your voice is boring.

Huh? Maybe it's just that it's northern.

That flat, kind of droning northern
thing, you know.

Yeah? I think Matt might have something
there.

Hang on a minute. You're northern.

She's Geordie. It's different.

So where the fuck does that leave me?

Is Kurt coming down the pub?

What's the point of the pub without the
fag?

What's the point of anything? Don't you
adore him? What's up with him?

He's just been forced to acknowledge
that being from the north doesn't

automatically make him a born
entertainer. Bastards.

You teach fucking geography.

Probably the most tedious subject in the
history of subjects.

historically taught by the most tedious
fucking teachers. You're supposed to be

boring. Live with it.

I'm going to get completely wrecked
tonight.

You should come too.

Take your mind off things.

By watching Brian get shit -faced and
those two puffing away all night? No

thanks. I know giving up is very hard
for you right now, but you're doing a

thing. You'll be healthier, fitter,
certainly live longer, or just die

The most important thing to remember is
that you've given up Vag for all the

right reasons.

To trap a woman for sexual
gratification.

Exactly.

Troy!

Look at me. What do you see?

Your face, mainly.

Let me give you a clue.

Mr McKenna, the teacher your mum thinks
is great, is now a fresh breath non

-smoker. You got that?

Kurt McKenna, great non -smoking
teacher, is finally available.

Tell your mum that.

What? What the fuck is it?

Tell me again, why am I giving up
smoking?

I said I was smoking, I woke up and I
wasn't.

Let's take a look at the Common
Agricultural Policy.

Not interesting.

Let's take a look at the Common
Agricultural Policy. Better.

But still couldn't give it back.

Better, yeah?

A lot of fungi, a system in fine
Portugal.

A lot of fungi, eh?

How's your mum, Troy?

Still talking about me? Did you tell her
I was off a cigarette?

Yeah, yeah.

Was she chuffed?

She's what you make fun of from a
penance. The chemist along the street.

She was pleased when you put her
straight, yeah? She didn't think the

should have been soaking in the first
place.

You know what I really, really fancy
having right now?

Last night he had three Toblerones and
11 bags of cheesy puffs.

This morning he had two bowls of
shredded wheat, five pieces of toast,

tarts, one burger and double chips and
the rest of my cold cabal.

It's comfort eating.

How comfortable does he need to be? Did
you know that 89 % of people who give up

smoking put on weight in the first few
weeks?

And one in seven pile on over two
stones.

Fucking hell.

Well, could he run another book on his
weight gain?

I wouldn't get on the scale.

Careful, Rod.

I have to say, it was with a sense of
inevitability that I noted no -one to

their name down for the after -school
pub.

I'd appreciate at least one in each box.

Always remember, you get back what you
put in.

I don't think Kurt's going to last
another day.

Troy's mum didn't remember who he was,
apparently.

Maybe we should stop being so selfish.

Yeah, if Kurt really wants this, then we
should stop taking the piss and give

him proper support.

Then come tomorrow evening when one of
us wins the bet. Fuck him. Yeah, fuck

him.

How's it going?

Shit. How's Shelley?

Turned up an easy act.

No, this isn't solely about her, don't
you?

Isn't it? This is about you and all
women.

Over 63 % of females have said that they
prefer non -smokers to smokers.

Well, you smoke.

Yeah, but he's money.

And 74 % prefer married men, whether
they smoke or not.

So where does this leave me? When you
round that 62 % down for the kind of

who'd go after you, we're looking at a
large proportion of even the dodgiest

who'd still reject you simply because
you smoked.

So you're doing the right thing.

If you feel you're resolved slipping,
just give me a shout.

Always here if you need me.

Day or night? Day or night.

I'm not even going to ask.

Fucking Bob.

Bob? He pisses in my sink again. I'm
going to wire it to the fucking mains.

What about our little problem?

Sorry. Any chance of letting me in on
how it started?

Today we're looking at the urbanization
of South America.

Dull, right?

I lost the will to live.

Okay.

Today we're going to look at the
urbanization of South America.

What's the difference?

Second time I found myself looking for
your care worker.

It's a new teaching voice.

Less ethnic.

Faking a breakdown is not going to get
you out of dealing with Caleb Ryer.

How are you?

I'm in the middle of a class.

I did what you said about making my
voice less northern than Liz,

I've been sanctioned. I didn't say make
your voice less northern.

You did.

No, I didn't.

I think that the problem may be that
your voice was northern.

What's the difference?

We'll talk about this later.

OK.

Write on a sheet of paper what you'd
like to see on the assessment sheet, and

I'll copy it out for you.

Ah, Mr Stedman.

How nice of you to drop... I'm totally
confused by this voicing.

And the rest of these apps.

Come to my office.

First, Matt's going. Be less northern.
I'll try that. This thing's on cracking

up. Then that says that I didn't say
that at all. I can't get any sense out

anyone. You're the only one that can
help me.

Take a seat.

I need a plan.

And you're the king of plans.

First things first, we name the plan.

Uh, what are the goals exactly?

That's not how you do your plans.

We haven't named it yet.

The goals come after the name. Right.
Get the name and we get the goals.

how we call it.

We call it.

Yeah?

Ryan. Ryan.

Is that it?

That's it.

It's gone.

It's all gone.

I give up smoking and I can't hold a
structured thought in my head.

My planning skills have gone with the
nicotine.

My one genuine fucking talent.

And I've lost it.

I can't even think of a decent name, the
key to all plans.

What the fuck am I going to do without a
plan?

Selfie, twat.

You're worried about your career. I have
lost a cornerstone to my whole

personality. You're my last hope.

Desperate time goes for desperate
measures.

Let's stop him.

Come on, hand him over.

Go.

No, I just want to borrow it, please.

Someone, please.

Give me this cigarette, Mr McKenna. It's
mine. Keep away.

Patrick, what's going on?

Hi.

And the next time Mr Harvey and I catch
you with these disgusting things in your

pocket, you'll get detention for a
month. Understand?

For their own good.

I'll move them all along. Right, come
along. Well done.

Nothing worse than a reformed smoker.
Oh, it's you.

You're the one that's given up smoking.

Well, if you need any help or advice...
I do, yes. I need help and advice.

OK. I'm really, really desperate. I need
a lot of advice and help.

Ring me and we can... Meet up?

Yeah. Great.

Play the genuinely vulnerable card.

Can't resist?

Very smooth.

Don't they say that clothes make a
statement about a person?

Yeah?

So you're saying what, exactly?

I'm a twat?

Losing my impeccable dress sense as
well.

I'm starting.

I'm taking clothing advice from you now.

I can't do this, not without a fag.

This is a situation in which a bag's an
absolute fucking necessity.

Try these.

Got the clean boxes on?

Deodorant, talc.

You better have these.

So how's the supply of condoms?

Twelve pack, unopened. Bring back what
you don't use.

And don't forget, if things start to
flag, you can always pull out your

smile.

Sorry, can you run that by me again?

I drifted off halfway through the last
sentence.

What, she doesn't like him?

I thought we'd agreed to talk about
something else. What, this joke's full

or she hates his stories?

What, she's with someone better or meet
someone better or is about to meet

someone better? I can't understand why
anyone would think you're boring, Brian.

And what if his winning smile comes over
as a leer? Can we please talk about

something else?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I think it's too late to text him a
backup check.

I heard about a bloke who gave up
cigarettes and drinks.

Started watching his diet and jogging.
Had a really shitty week and a half and

was hit by a bus.

Are you sure you don't want to eat?

I'm fine. Great.

How's it going?

Pretty good.

But I could do with a woman's love, you
know?

Nothing heavy, just a casual friendship,
stroke, sex thing.

Just the sex thing would be good. I
meant with the cigarettes.

Oh, right.

Not too bad.

Once the craving and the binging stops,
you'll start feeling a lot better.

How about we cut to the chase?

OK. We both know why we're here. Yeah.

You want to do something for me, and I'm
willing to let you.

So, have a good vacation.

Sorry.

Hello.

Right.

Yep.

Okay, I'll be home straight away.

Bye.

Baby sister, Chloe, the little one,
she's throwing up. I'm really sorry to

this to you, but I'm going to have to
get back.

Oh, I could come with you.

I'm sure it's nothing serious, but I can
tell the kids she's probably going to

be up all night now.

Look, why don't we reschedule?

Well, I got this week.

Well, that's tonight shafted. What about
tomorrow?

Yeah, if Chloe's better.

I'll call you.

How

was

it?

Yeah, good.

Got on well. Chatted a lot.

And?

How many condoms have you brought back?

She's a lovely person who deserves
proper time and attention.

You mean she wasn't up for it?

She was totally up for it. But she had
to go home and deal with a puking brat.

So, when are you going to see her again?

Tomorrow.

She's ringing me.

She actually said that?

Having already spent a whole evening
with you?

You are so in there.

Have you eaten?

What happened to the bacon?

Sorry, mate.

You're wearing

my

tracksuit bodge. You must have set the
washing machine wrong.

All my charges are shrunk.

Did you know cigarettes reduce your lung
capacity by over 30 %?

Yes. They also dull the taste buds and
slow the metabolism. So when you give

you can't fall prey to irrational hunger
cravings. I know.

Smokers have a higher risk of
contracting lung cancer, high blood

heart disease, cancer of the mouth,
cancer of the throat, cancer of the

box. Voice box?

Fucking hell, I could have ended up
talking like Stephen Hawking.

And listen to this.

Smoking is linked to a reduced sperm
count and an increase in abnormal sperm.

What the fuck is abnormal sperm?

More damaged sperm heads. And slower
sperm?

I've been making my sperm go slower.
Will you shut the fuck up?

I know all this.

That's why I've never fucking smoked.

How did he get on?

Top night, no shot. Yeah, is he back on
the pegs?

No, it's the same self -centred, self
-obsessed little twat eating anything

doesn't move. How many left in
Malkinsby?

Four of us.

If he makes it through this morning,
that's me out.

Unlucky. Out of the sweepstake, and I've
still got Kayla and Liz to deal with,

thanks to you. I did not say, be left
northern.

Why would I say that?

You said my voice was boring because it
was northern. No, I said you had a flat,

boring northern voice.

See? That's what's confusing me.

Please, just tell me what I can do about
my voice.

You shouldn't have to do anything about
your voice.

This isn't really about your voice. It's
about other people's reaction to your

voice. What? Maybe it's their problem,
not yours.

But my voice is boring. Boring to who?
Everyone, apparently. Or maybe just

Southerners. Look, just because some
people have a problem with your

northernness doesn't mean you have to
change.

Yeah, being marginalised because of the
way you come from. It's fascist.

Racist. Right, it's racist.

You have to start actively defending the
right of Northerners to be as dull and

boring as they fucking well like.

Like? You know the one person who might
be able to help you?

A person who must have already been
through this sort of thing many times.

Her. Liz.

She's been there.

Been where? At the sharp end of
prejudice.

Ah, okay.

Good.

Yeah.

Cheers, mate.

You're quite insolent, Lisa, aren't you?

Did you know that three out of ten
people who die die from smoking -related

illnesses? Does that include murdered
evangelical ex -mothers?

Yes. Sitting on a weed?

No. Then why are you wearing plastic
bottoms?

Well, I can't go casual.

Lined up for a second date yet? I don't
know.

I'm serious.

Well, you know what it's like when you
look at someone and you just want to

them right there, whether they've washed
or not.

And how does she feel?

I'm talking about her.

Where's Brian?

Your mum's peeping himself?

Thank you so much for the pathetic
response to the after -school clubs,

have been hilariously filled in with
Bob's name after every activity.

Oh, Jesus.

I had decided to set up an in -house
motivational reward system.

A chart would have been put up, and the
teacher attaining the most points would

have got a prize at the end of the week.

But then I thought I'd do something far
more in keeping with the mood of the

school.

Nothing.

You can't be bothered, so why should I?

I hope my disappointment will be enough
to shame you out of your lethargy.

Thank you.

It's only because you're the only one of
us who's absolutely guaranteed to be

here after school, Bob.

Liz,

just the person.

Oh, God.

I need your help.

I've been waiting for this day all my
life.

I've become the victim of bigotry and
prejudice.

Why am I never surprised by what comes
out of your mouth?

What do I do?

Why exactly do you think I can help you?
Because you're, you know... What?

Disabled? No.

Are you?

No. Gay?

No, what I mean is you know all about
injustice. People making assumptions

you. Assumptions?

What kind of assumptions?

Like you're a mugger or a crack addict.

Anything else?

A single parent living on a council
estate.

We're in the same boat.

You're black in a white society. I'm
northern, down south.

Am I stupid, Brian?

Well...

Do I have a pervert for best friend?

Non -existent personality?

And an extremely dreary northern voice?

I don't think so, no.

Well, let me make something very clear
to you.

I am a clever, beautiful, fascinating
woman in a society of idiots.

You are a lumpen northern half -wit
surrounded by relative intellectual

heavyweight. There is nothing to compare
in our situations.

That's a bit... What?

Blunt, but true.

Is this how you talk in front of Kayla
at home?

No, I tend to be a lot more personal and
offensive at home.

Fucking hell.

So this is where Kayla gets it from.

With that kind of attitude at home, she
doesn't stand a chance, does she?

Bigotry really does start in a family, I
see it all now. Glad to have been of

help. Now, can I get on with some work?

What? We work our arses off all day long
and they can't even have a fucking

biscuit waiting for us.

Bastards. I did seriously think about
giving up the cigarette.

But if it means being airlifted out of
my house by the Jerry Springer show, I

don't see the point.

What are you talking about?

Are you keeping a record of any weight
gain?

You think I've put on weight?

We could get some scales in.

Find out for sure.

So now I know Kayla's picked it all up
from Liz and I still don't know what to

do.

You can pretend to be Kurt and we can
make up a plan between us.

Please, mate.

How do you normally start?

Name the plan.

Or we could call it the how to help
Brian overcome bigotry plan. Brilliant.

No, it's not.

What about the, I'm Northern, I'm funny
in my own way, and I'm proud, and I'm

not boring.

Well, I think that covers everything.

Right, good.

What next?

Oh, I'm really not very good at this.

What would Kurt do?

Well, we'd talk about a lot of different
ways that we could go about it, and we

usually end up with the same conclusion.

Which is?

We do nothing.

Then how about we skip the middle bit
and get to the conclusion?

How about we do nothing?

Ignore them.

Thanks, mate.

I don't go around in circles for days.

Going for a drink?

Celebrate my rising above racial hatred?

Sorry? Northern pride.

That's what it's all about.

You coming to the pub?

Oh, I'd love to, but I'm afraid I'm in
demand elsewhere tonight.

How does Shelley feel about the ever
-expanding good? She's made it plain she

wants me in her bed, so I think that
speaks for itself.

Can I borrow your good trousers?

You've borrowed all the others.

Anyone else coming to help the White
Panther mark his emancipation? Come for

quick one? A quick one? I'm celebrating.

Well, celebrate quickly, then.

It's all right for all you lot.

You've all got something to go home to.

I hope you left a thick bag of mop by
Chloe's bed this time.

Shall we order food?

You want to eat first?

Fine.

Lindsay and the lollipop lady are now
officially out.

Ten ladies were all over me, yelling
numbers. I didn't get a name, but she

huge fucking head.

So not the lollipop lady.

Forty -five minutes left for the last
one of us still in.

Me. After that, it's just the cave troll
left.

Would you give up fags for a bloke?

Who are we talking about?

If Brad Pitt came to school on a visit
and said he'd go out with you if you

up a cigarette.

I'd give up.

Just like that.

Then I'd have an egg shagging him for
stupid and the next day I'd dump him and

get back on the fags.

Never do relationships, never last.

Just when you think things can't get any
more superficial, we find a new level

of shallowness.

Better get home. Great.

Shall we get the bus?

On my own.

I just forked out 40 quid on a slap -up
meal.

I only had a starter.

So when are you going to shag me?

What? The promised shag.

When's it going to happen?

What are you talking about?

What this whole thing's been about.

The subterfuge, the build -up, the
anticipation.

Sex. I never gave you any reason to
think that. You said I was great.

Troy thought you were great because you
were a crap teacher who let them get

away with stuff. You threw yourself at
me. He also said that outside the

classroom you're a sad case with no
social skills, a bunch of drunks as

no girlfriend and no hope of getting one
because you had a really small penis

and a hopeless sexual technique.

For fuck's sake, nothing's sacred.

Now I can add to that list that you're
also in the grip of some delusional

mania. I'm not the one with three kids
by three different dads, love.

Yes, my kids have different dads.

They also have different mums, because I
adopted them.

I've also adopted three loggerhead
turtles, two ocelots and a bonobo chimp.

there anything you want to read into
that?

Do you like animals?

I like to help people and creatures who
don't have the capacity to help

themselves. That's me. I gave up
cigarettes for you. If I'd fancied you,

have shagged you whether you smoked or
not. You don't fancy me.

How can you not fancy me? You're not
even that attractive.

You have to adopt children, for fuck's
sake.

You are a seriously fucked up
individual.

I recommend you get help.

One more minute than Eric has won. So
much fun with her psychology.

It's over, mate. The fat lady hasn't
sung yet.

No, but she's warming up.

What are you doing?

Where's Shelley?

buying shares in an abandoned Shetland
pony to get over the disappointment of

dumping her, probably.

Did you get your shag or not?

I'm not revealing the details of my
image to you, fucker.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Who's got a light here?

How long have I got? What do you mean?
How long have I got before you all lose

the bet?

Oh, we've already lost.

How long?

Another 43 seconds.

Oh.

Enough time to get me a drink in, then.

A pint of lager, please, mate.

Who had me down for the longest?

Well done.

I don't know I can count on the support
of my mates in times of crisis.

You really smoking again?

In about 25 seconds, yes.

All that wasted effort.

It's not been wasted.

I've learned a few things. What?

That my mates are mercenary toppers.
Anything new?

That you never ever buy someone dinner
unless you have a guarantee preferably

writing. Shag is also on the menu.

How good was I thinking of?

I nearly lost everything.

All the things that made me, me.

My streetwise guile, my sex appeal.

Your modesty.

You know, I can't change who I am.

Bad little smoking twat. Whoever takes
you, I'll have to take that one too.

First things first. Set in motion. They
get Kurt back in the saddle as soon as

possible. Strategy. A plan.

He's back.

We can work out your problem soon.

I've been shorted. Learning.

What? You were out chasing me, Shag. So
me and Matt came up with the plan.

Problem solved.

What, I'm still king of the plans, yeah?

As long as you stay on the fence.

I'm finished with chasing losers like
Shelley.

It's winners for me from now on.

Is Erica going out with anyone?

I very much doubt it.

Why?

No reason.