All language subtitles for Teachers s03e01

2 .8 seconds.

Thank you and good night.

Only one question remains.

Will Kirk McCann break the four -minute
barrier? I know I'm new to the sport of

pint -downing, but I'm guessing down
applies to the throat, not the shirt.

I have a medical condition, which means
I have trouble swallowing. I've heard

that one before.

Who's next?

Carol? You can't challenge Carol in her
condition.

No, she's right.

Carol wouldn't stand a chance, and
you're both women, so I guess Mr Stedman

remains undefeated for yet another
night.

What about me?

We've only known each other six weeks.

That might be too soon to humiliate you.

You're afraid of losing.

Just saying.

We have a contender.

Wow.

Fuck me.

1 .3 seconds.

What can I say?

Like a true champion, he fakes his
defeat with dignity and humility.

You off?

Always like to leave on a high note.

Don't argue with that.

I couldn't get a lift, could I?

OK. Only I don't fancy walking back on
my own, and Lindsay doesn't look like

she's quite finished yet.

She's barely started.

But if it's going to be a hassle...
Don't be silly.

Thanks. Right.

See you all tomorrow.

Got to hand it to her.

Shameless.

You should have a word with her, Linda.

I'm staying up with this.

She scrounges lifts off him all the
time.

It's always the nice blokes that get
taken for a ride.

Isn't it?

I'm so not happy.

Boo.

Why can't we get a bigger car?

I'm a teacher.

People get vicious if they have a big
car.

Girl, Brian got beat.

Brian got beat.

Brian got beaten by a girl.

Brian got beaten. I don't think of
Lindsay as a girl in the conventional

What's the conventional sense?

In the sense that I'd want to shag her.

You don't want to shag Lindsay?

Not even remotely.

You know how to make a girl feel good
about herself.

I don't mean that I wouldn't shag her,
only that I wouldn't want to.

I bet you use that line on all the
ladies.

Don't get me wrong. This has nothing to
do with you being fat. Which you're not.

You're just healthy in a large way.

It's just that very occasionally a
friendship is better off without sex.

You're okay with that, aren't you?

I live.

Well, I'm so shaggy, Lindsay.

No matter how fat you are.

Or maybe not.

Someone micked it.

Why would someone mick your car? It's a
heap of shit. Where the fuck is it,

then? I don't know.

Maybe you took it to the pub last night.
I'd remember if I took it to the pub,

wouldn't I?

Shit. I've been shitted by everyone.

I've been shitted myself.

I've been shitted by everyone.

And everyone's been shitted by me.

Lindsay's a top bird, isn't she?

She's not like most girls.

You mean because she beat you?

No, I just... Most girls tend to find me
a bit... Annoying?

The point is, I'm fine as mates with a
girl, and we don't fancy each other.

But you don't fancy her more, like.

Meaning?

Work it out.

You not fancy her doesn't automatically
mean she doesn't fancy you.

I've been shitted by things I've seen,
and all I've learned in school.

I've been shitted by things I've seen.

How do you know? When has a girl ever
done something like that?

Well, it's bound to happen sooner or
later.

Look, you're just friendly.

No such thing where a bloke and a woman
are concerned. Bollocks.

Trust me. If they look like they're
friends, it's because one of them wants

shag. If neither of them wants to shag,
there's no reason to be friends.

And if both of them want to shag...

They shag. What is up with the heat in
this place?

Hi, Lindsay. Good to see you again. How
are you?

Have neither of you noticed how hot it
is?

What's that smell?

Smells like your vomit, Brian.

His vomit never smells that bad.

Maybe it's the canteen.

The canteen never smells that good.

You know, when you get so drunk you pass
out in the car and get up the next day

without brushing your teeth or changing
your socks.

Smells like when you've been doing that
for a fortnight.

Morning, Bob.

Fine, thanks. Slept like a log.

Literally at the foot of the tree in a
park by the looks of things.

Oh, yeah, that's very good.

Yeah, no, we've got no hot water at the
moment.

Plumber's trying to fix it, but you know
what it's like trying to get quality

work these days.

Trying to mean the wife crackers, but...
Ah, that's marriage, isn't it, eh? Has

its ups and downs, but you mustn't...
Morning,

everyone.

As the more intuitive of you will have
no doubt guessed, we've reached that

point in the school calendar when the
central heating comes on.

Inevitably, while it takes our
technicians several days to re

themselves with the binary possibilities
of a hot -cold dial, we're going to

have to sweat it out.

All I can suggest is that we be patient,
open windows and drink plenty of water.

Oh, Matt, I was wondering if you'd be
willing to come to me.

What was that for?

I wanted to get some sleep at work for
year seven.

Really? I put you up on last night.

I could use some more.

Will five minutes be enough?

It might take longer.

I want to make sure we have time to go
to the mall proper.

Ten.

Thanks. See you at three.

She hardly looked at me during the staff
meeting.

If she'd have wanted to shag me, she'd
have at least looked at me.

When Carol wanted to shag me, she never
looked at me.

Carol's blind.

That's why she shagged you in the first
place.

It's almost like Lindsay was going out
of her way not to look at you.

Lindsay does not fancy me. Girls do not
fancy me. I fancy them. That's how it

works. Anything else is not normal.

You said Lindsay's not a girl in the
conventional sense.

You mean because she's... fat. She's not
fat.

She's just...

It's the difference.

Adam Grint. Now, he's fat.

Oh, he is so fat.

Plus, he's going bald.

No way. Seriously.

How can you

go bald? Are you all right?

I have a vision deficiency.

How can you be deficient in anything?

Why would Lindsay fancy me just because
she was fat?

Kurt's theory of fat birds.

The fatter a bird, the more likely she
is to fancy me.

That makes no sense.

And it's politically, you know, that
thing with dwarves. Incorrect.

Imagine if women went around not
fancying you because you were short.

They don't fancy me.

Not because of your height, though.

Because you're a wanker.

Think about it. The fatter a girl is,
the less men fancy her.

The less likely she is to get laid, the
lower her standards, the more likely she

is to fancy Brian.

All right, it makes some sense.

But just because she can fancy me in
theory doesn't mean she does.

Well, don't say I didn't warn you. And
don't come crying to me when she sticks

her tongue in your mouth and goes.

You know the way you just sat there all
lesson with your mouth open?

Please try to keep my clothes. It's
making me feel sick.

Is that the Middle East?

Take your time.

Fuck me.

It's a diagram.

It's huge.

It's such a scale.

You're a biology teacher, aren't you?

The diagram gives it a wink.

So, what's your ideal fish?

I don't have an ideal fish.

Although my favourite's probably the
sardine.

Really? Can't be easy, being so small.
All those sharks.

Plus being squashed. In fairness, I
think the squashing only happens once

they're in the tin.

And what's your ideal man?

I'm a traditional girl, so I'd have to
say the whale. Is that because he's so

mysterious? No, but he's fat and bone
idle, and I respect that in any

He's at the top of the food chain.

No one eats whales.

I think the Japanese do, don't they?

And what would your ideal man be like?

Well, judging from past experience, the
kind of man I really go for is lazy,

adolescent and selfish in bed.

It's uncanny.

I'm not selfish in bed.

Not exactly Mother Teresa.

Was Mother Teresa good in bed?

She was generous in most areas. Why
wouldn't she extend to the veterans?

She was a nun.

She was?

What the mother stands for.

Typical. And even if I was selfish in
bed, how could Lindsay possibly know?

Lucky guess.

The terms lazy, adolescent and selfish
in bed could just as easily apply to

There couldn't be a less accurate
description of me.

Liz, which one of us does lazy,
adolescent and selfish in bed apply to?

Brian. Thank you. Kurt would be lazy,
selfish and adolescent in bed.

I'd rather be adolescent in bed than
selfish.

No way.

Selfish means I could be good in bed if
I could be hard.

Adolescent?

That's like trying your hardest, you're
just not up to it.

Matt, which is better?

Selfish in bed or adolescent in bed?

Depends on the occasion.

What are you doing to Bob? We're
conducting an experiment to see whether

who are asleep piss themselves if you
put their hands in warm water.

I think it's work.

Before you go.

How do you know when a woman fancies
you? In what sense?

You know how normally if you fancy a
woman, you try and persuade her to go to

bed with you?

Sometimes she does, but most of the time
she tells you to sod off.

What happens if she fancies you instead?

Well, usually she'll just flirt with
you.

Flirt? You know, flirting.

It's how women get men to seduce them.

So what does flirting look like,
exactly?

She'll run her hand through her hair
occasionally.

Sustain eye contact.

Brush her body against you
intermittently.

Like during sex?

A bit more subtle.

You know.

Like this.

That's flirting.

You look like Penny.

Penny. That's what Penny does. You know,
when she tries to get you to do

something you don't want to do.

Like now.

Not what she's doing with Mr. Chung.

If you didn't know Mr. Chung, you'd
think she was gagging for you.

Penny's never flirted with me. Penny
flirts with everyone. What about last

night? She asked for a lift. You weren't
sure. She batted her eyelids. You

rolled over like a poodle.

If she did flirt with me, I wasn't aware
of it.

Because you're married.

Exactly.

Fucking hot.

Ah.

And I didn't think you smoked.

I don't.

The only excuse Chloe will accept for me
spending five minutes outside like a

sauna.

Get home eventually last night?

I did, yes.

Once you'd given Penny a lift?

She only lives five minutes away. She
can walk.

It's not as though you're even going in
the same direction.

I don't mind.

You don't want people thinking she's
walking all over you.

Do they think that?

But we all know what Penny's like.

She has a way of getting people to do
things which aren't in their best

interest.

Just a lift.

Always is.

Oi! Pass it, you squat!

So, let's look at the facts.

We know you're her type.

We know she likes you enough to call you
a wanker.

We know she's fat.

Couldn't that all just be coincidence,
though?

You're right.

What we need is our smoking gun.

That vital piece of evidence that places
you at the scene of the crime.

What crime?

The crime of passion that is Lindsay
fancies Brian.

But then again, as long as you're happy
living with the uncertainty, jump in

every time she brushes against you, you
won't want to hear my plan.

Have you got a plan?

It's called the Does She Fancy You Plan.

That's a shit name.

You just made it up.

All right.

What about the...

Flush her out plan?

Didn't we already use that for the plan
with the big floater in the back?

That was the flush him down the pan
plan.

Now that was a name.

That was a plan.

Get up, you big day baby!

There.

How would you describe Cleopatra?

Anyone?

Robin.

Well, just say the first thing that
comes into your head.

You mean because she has an affair with
Anthony, who's married?

He messes her about. But he's in love
with Cleopatra.

Why else would he sacrifice everything
for her?

The point is that Shakespeare creates a
truly modern heroine. A woman who is

both independent and sexually in
control.

So why does she kill herself?

The exercise of sexual attraction is the
element of Cleopatra's life.

What does Mr. Bradley mean by this?

What else?

She's a slapper, isn't she?

She most certainly is.

Can I talk to you in private?

Oi, fuck off.

I should warn you, enough good and good
stations are in thick.

I've recently started worrying that I'm
not attractive.

You know, that there's something...

physically or mentally wrong with me
that puts women off.

Really?

Nothing specific.

Just that generally women don't go for
me.

And, well, I started to wonder if it was
something about me.

So I thought I'd ask you what you
thought as a friend.

Well, you're not perfect, Brian, but
then you're not hideous either.

Really? Everybody's got something about
them that appeals to someone somewhere.

So you don't think there's anything I
should change to make myself more

attractive to birds?

Apart from calling them birds.

Exactly.

Trouble is, you change one thing and the
whole thing starts to unravel.

You're better off just making the most
of your best qualities.

Which are?

Off the top of me head.

Take your time.

You're tall.

Handy for changing light bulbs when you
can't be arsed to fetch the step ladder.

Anything else?

You down a pint in three seconds?

2 .8. There you go.

Got all the good quality.

Right, she bantered me. All along she's
been gagging for it.

I told you.

There I was thinking she was my first
proper girlfriend.

A friend who's a girl, friend.

When it turns out, she's just a... A
friend who really wants a shad friend.

That's not to say you still can't be
mates.

I can.

Sure.

As long as you don't mind the fact that
she's only being your mate because she's

biding her time, waiting for the
opportunity to... I'll never know if

getting drunk with me because she wants
to get me drunk.

I'll never know if she's burping and...
Throwing up and spitting and passing out

with her head in a pizza because she
really wants to. Or if it's just all an

act.

What about Susan?

I shagged her. Didn't stop us being
proper friends.

Susan wasn't really your friend, though,
was she? She's many fine friends.

What do I do?

There's only one thing you can do.

I can't tell her I don't fancy her.

Make her not fancy you.

How?

I... Making yourself unattractive.

I'm not sure I know how to do that.

Just do what ugly people do.

What do ugly people do?

Grint!

How come no one fancies you?

Don't know. Well, can't it be more
specific?

Hands up who doesn't fancy Grint.

Kayla, why don't you fancy Grint?

Don't know.

Is it because he's bald and fat?

Pardon me?

There's more wrong with him.

No, it's just...

Apparently

he's

disgusting and he's got all these bad
habits.

What kind of habits?

You could try birthing in front of her.

That's never going to work. I'm an
awesome birther.

I hold the record for the most number of
burped in 24 hours without the

assistance of carbonated drinks.

Now, what we need is something that
makes me look less attractive.

Look! What is that?

The photocopier.

What's wrong?

Just be careful.

I agree.

Let's not take any unnecessary risks.

Do anything that might get us caught.

I agree.

No, you're right. It has to be the
feeder train.

Not again.

Matt, quick question.

What is the best way for a man to be
unattractive to a woman?

Are you the divine? Called a wife?

Let's say you haven't got a wife.

Or even a girlfriend.

You just want to be unattractive for the
sake of it. You're talking to the wrong

man. What about you, Penny?

What do you find most unattractive in a
man?

In your case.

Or generally.

Or Matt, for instance.

What is it that stops you from wanting
to shag him?

Apart from his wife.

I don't necessarily find having a wife
makes a man...

Unattractive? Just unavailable.

What I find most unattractive is men who
go on about tits and football in the

size of their genitals the whole time.

And who get turned on by simple things.

Like a woman.

Talking.

Slowly.

Keep going.

I just like a bit of sophistication. Not
a lot, but some.

Thanks.

Let's move out.

Why were they going on about my wife?

No idea.

Where were we?

What if someone comes in? Someone did
just come in.

What if someone comes in again?

What are the chances of that?

I don't know whether to staple them or
paperclip.

Paperclip would allow you to file the
pages in a ring binder.

But then you run the risk of them coming
apart.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

No, no, not at all.

Actually, we're having an illicit affair
in the photocopying room.

She's joking.

I was just helping out with some
copying. How long will you be? About

minutes?

A bit longer.

Back in ten.

Do you think she's picked up on
something?

If you don't want people to be
suspicious, stop acting so suspiciously.

easier said than done.

I've got a wife and kids, remember?

So?

So I've got a lot to lose.

What? And I haven't.

You'd be more careful in your condition.

Bob, can you hold the ladder for Carol?

I don't know if I can do this.

You've never had a problem before.

I've never had to do it deliberately
before.

Just be yourself.

Then add more wanker to the mix.

Coming down to the pub for a quickie?

Quick what?

Shag. Why else would we go to a pub?

For a pint.

We can have one of those too, if you
like.

I'm only going for a pint.

Well, I guess I'll have to do.

See you there.

She knows.

She knows what? She knows that you know
she fancies you. That's why she's moving

in.

I'd be surprised if she doesn't try and
shag you this evening.

You up for a drink?

Just a quick one. Don't stay out too
late. Oh, yeah, tell me about it.

Yvonne's probably cooked me a meal,
bless her, but sometimes it's good to go

and have a quiet drink with your
colleague.

Stop you getting complacent.

Yeah, when a man's married, you're going
well. It's very easy to neglect other

parts of your life.

Yeah, I mean, spending...

Time apart can be just as important as
spending time together.

I mean, things might not always be going
so smoothly, so it's good to know that

if ever that happens to be the case,
that you've got friends that you can

back on.

Oh, I'm so dehydrated.

The whole day I felt like I didn't want
to get sick face the night before.

You did get sick face the night before.

What's wrong?

There's something you should know.

Something that will put you right off.

Really?

Go on then, what is it?

It's... What?

Brian reckons he has a tiny knob.

Diggs want to know one.

He's right.

I have a small... Tiny? Not tiny, small.

And it's started to bother me. Oh, you
shouldn't worry. I mean, that kind of

thing really doesn't matter.

Have you got a small knob too, Bob? No.

But I've got that.

But I have my fair share of experience
when it comes to women.

Please, Bob, I'm eating.

And if she's the kind of woman who's
going to leave you if she's not

in the bed, he thought, well, she's the
kind of woman you can do without.

Isn't that right, Matt?

No idea, Bob.

You've always took me as someone who was
well home.

Not anymore.

As a chug?

No.

It's only just occurred to me.

For years I've been thinking it was
bigger than it actually was, but then I

realised that this was only because I
was looking down on it from up here.

Which is why we decided to measure it.

We being?

We took the decision together.

But Brian was the only one present at
the actual measuring.

Not very scientific.

If anything, doesn't it look smaller
when you're looking down on it?

It is wise.

But I've always been overcompensating.

I've always imagined it looked small
because I was looking down on it.

But turns out it was just tiny.

Small? What?

Smaller than good?

Fuck off.

It's all about the way you use it
anyway.

Oh, that's the other thing.

He's shit with it.

Does that bother you?

Not really.

In fact, I appreciate your honesty.

Sorry it doesn't change your opinion of
me.

If anything, it reinforces a few of my
preconceptions.

That's pleasant.

Terrible. So you find me unattractive
when I burp? Please, that wasn't a burp.

That was a burp.

It's no good.

Whatever I do, whatever I say, no matter
how much of a dickhead I am, I'm

irresistible. It's like I'm Ricky
Martin.

You've got no option.

You've got to shag her.

What?

Like, aversion therapy.

Get it all out of her system once and
for all.

And what if she likes it?

She will like it.

Really? Fat girls love sex.

They have lower standards because they
don't get it as much.

But she's still going to feel disgusted
as soon as it's over.

She'll definitely regret it.

So she won't come back for more?

When's that ever happened to you?

You're right.

Just look on the bright side.

Get a shag.

I'm going to make a move.

I couldn't get a lift, could I?

I'm kind of in a rush.

I'm ready to go.

Just that your flat's not even in the
same direction.

It's a five -minute walk.

So walk.

Don't say you didn't have it coming.

What? You've been taking advantage of
him for weeks.

He was bound to put his foot down
eventually.

It's only a lift.

You shouldn't use people if you're going
to whinge every time they stand up to

you. Fuck off.

Right, I'll get the next round then,
shall I?

Come on, who's up for a big night, eh?

See you tomorrow, everyone.

Not for me, Bob. I might grab a curry
and go home. Are you up for that,

You said the magic word. Give me 30
seconds.

Liz.

Sorry, Bob.

Looks like I'll be joining you three for
that curry then.

Go and get us a pint, Bob. Good on you.

The things I do for you.

Are you sure this is what Lindsay wants?

Of course.

I bet she's buying condoms right now.

What? Did we take his bike to mine?

Oh, we just did it here off the
pavement.

Really? No.

This is fun, isn't it?

I can't remember the last time I had so
much fun. Bob, shut the fuck up.

Not you.

Ask them if they can deliver the pub.

What kind of pizzas do you have?

Or can't you list them?

Well, list the best ones, then.

What's your favourite?

No! I hate anchovies.

That sounds OK.

Hang on, Bob.

I'll just have a margarita.

You can't have a margarita.

You've got no personality.

I'll get you the one with the egg.

Can we have the one with the egg?

Well, most places do.

She hung up.

Strangest thing happened earlier.

Kurt and me were imagining what would
happen if there was a nuclear war and...

You and me were the only two surviving
members of the human race.

Certainly strange, but then nothing
really surprised me about your

with Kurt.

I haven't got to the strange part yet.

Carry on.

So, Kurt asks me, bearing in mind we're
the last two people on Earth, if

I'd shag you.

I thought about it and thought, why not?
I'd be up for shagging you if it meant

the survival of the human race.

I'm flattered, Brian.

but I doubt whether the race that
survived would be entirely human.

And then I thought, what if there was no
nuclear war?

What if we weren't the only two people
left on the surface of the Earth?

Let's cross that bridge when we get to
it, eh?

But just supposing, I asked myself if
I'd still be up for shagging you, and I

thought, fuck it.

Why not?

This really was a strange conversation,
even by your standards.

So...

So?

So, you know what this means.

Give her the clue.

Think about it.

There isn't actually a nuclear war.

Not just at the moment.

And?

And, therefore, you can shag me.

I don't want to shag you.

I don't mind.

I had my doubts when we were the last
two humans on Earth.

Now there's another six billion to
choose from, I'll have to say no.

I thought you fancied me.

What gave you that idea?

All that stuff you said about your ideal
man being lazy and adolescent.

And when I asked you if I was
attractive, you said I was perfect. I

were tall and knew how to down a pint.

Where did you get perfect from?

I was reading between the lines.

This explains why I've been behaving
oddly all day.

Listen, if I led you on in any way or
gave you any reason, I hope you stood a

chance. I'm sorry.

I don't fancy you.

I was just saying all that because I
thought you fancied me and I didn't want

you to feel bad.

Whatever.

You don't believe me. Come on, Brian,
you fancy me, big deal. You fancy

now. Shut up and eat your curry.

Ask Kirk. I don't fancy you.

Have you had sex yet?

Shut the fuck up, I'm sorry.

Who the hell are we?

I'm going to take a jumper. I'm not
making that mistake again.

I can't believe you didn't remind me to
remember my car.

I forgot.

Don't see why you're in such a bad mood.

It's always the way, isn't it? Whenever
I'm in a bad mood, you've got to be in a

bad mood.

You can't be in a good mood just once
when I'm in a bad mood, can you? I'm in

bad mood because of what happened
between you and Lindsay. That's my

being in a bad mood.

So? Get your own reason. If Lindsay
doesn't fancy you, it means my theory of

girls is bollocks.

Bollocks anyway.

The fact that Lindsay doesn't fancy you
means that fat girls aren't desperate.

And if fat girls aren't desperate, it
means I can't necessarily pull them,

means I no longer have a fallback plan.
You'll have a fallback plan. In case no

one else fancies me. No one else does.
It's why I'm in a bad mood.

A child, for example.

The only reason I stopped shagging her
was because I thought I could do better.

No, you stopped shagging her because she
was a minger.

Yeah, but she was my minger. I think
your little baby minger she's carrying.

Don't even joke about that.

You know it's mathematically impossible
for me to be the father of that child.

Yeah, but we thought it was
mathematically impossible you'd ever get

Morning, Kurt. Morning, Brian.

Oh, I've just remembered. I've got to
get that thing.

What thing?

The thing.

With the thing from the thing.

What thing with the thing from the
thing? I can't remember the word for it.

it out.

Wigwam. How is that, a wigwam? Tall and
fancy.

Looked like a wigwam to me. Why would I
have forgotten a wigwam?

I've never had a wigwam.

Not since I was 15, anyway.

Liz, do you know what Brian's talking
about?

Rarely. He can't remember the word for
the thing with the thing from the thing.

I think... Brian's probably trying to
avoid talking to someone.

So he's attempting to come up with an
excuse to leave.

I think I might have dropped it over
there. Excuse me.

What's he done this time? Tried to jump
me last night.

The moment Brian doesn't try to jump
you, that's when a girl should worry.

Has he ever jumped you?

No.

He's telling everyone.

I'll be a laughing stock.

This is all your fault.

You and your stupid plans.

And more importantly, what are we
looking for?

What was the thing?

What thing?

The thing you forgot.

There never was a thing. I was making it
up.

Why didn't you make up something you
could remember?

I couldn't think of anything that would
be completely believable.

Why? I was a bit prickly.

No, you weren't.

But I think you did the right thing, not
giving me a lift.

Good.

It's just that sometimes I forget that
you've got a wife and stuff, and I

be a bit more cautious.

Listen, I'll speak to you later, all
right?

I don't see what the problem is. Lindy
doesn't fancy you. Yeah, but this is

worse. She thinks I fancy her.

So? You fancy everyone.

Not Lindy.

This is the first time someone's ever
thought of fancying them when I haven't.

I don't care if someone thinks of
fancying them when I do, but when I

well, it's embarrassing.

You do know this radiator isn't working.

Morning,

everyone. The good news is that
maintenance have finally managed to turn

heating off.

The bad news is that they can't get it
back on.

Until they crack that elusive
mathematical conundrum that is room

I'm going to have to ask you once again
to bear with us.

Wrap it warmly.

Drink plenty of tea.

Thanks for telling me not to bring a
jumper.

No one asked you to copy me.

Did you get your thing?

Hello, Lindsay.

Yes, thanks.

Nice to hear it.

Aren't you cold?

I'm fat, remember?

Did you see that?

Seems fine.

She's behaving as though nothing
happened.

Maybe she's just trying to be your
friend. I don't want to be friends with

someone who's only trying to be friends
with me because she thinks I fancy her.

Jesus.

It's like being ugly or something.

Have I been fancy?

Lindsay thinks I fancy her. Why does she
think that?

After you left the pub, he told her he
wanted to shag her.

I never said I wanted to. I said I was
prepared to. I can see how some

might arise.

You get home all right last night? Yeah,
eventually. Get in trouble with her

wife? I did, yeah.

She waited up for me, bless her.

Couldn't sleep, she was so worried.

Had a blazing rant, of course.

Ah, you'll be fine.

She's hardly going to leave you, is she?

What are you saying?

Well, she's not going to leave you just
because you come home late one night.

Why would she leave me?

I don't know.

If she found your collection of porn.

Or if you spilt wine on the carpet, then
burnt a massive hole in it because you

were trying to get rid of the stain with
bleach. Oh, fuck off. Or maybe not

because of anything you've done, but
just because finally, after so many

you're so fed up with you being bold and
boring, she ran off with the first

bloke who knocked on the door. Oh, fuck
you!

Something wrong?

As if you don't know.

As if you all don't know. As if I don't
know that you all know. And what you're

saying behind my back.

Oh, she's left me there. I've said it.

He's satisfied Yvonne has left me.

She's booted me out of the home with
nothing but the shirt on my back to

up with the fucking satellite
installation man. And now she is fucking

she won't even let me in to take a
fucking shower.

So, fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck the lot of you.

Bob's wife's got a satellite.

You around later?

If I could do some help in the library.

I can't.

There's something wrong, because if
there is, I'd prefer it if you just told

I think we should cool things down.

Okay.

Permanently.

This was only ever meant to be a bit of
a laugh.

And lately we've started taking risks,
and I don't even want to risk taking

risks. We've been doing this for nearly
ten months, and it's only just occurred

to you that cheating on your wife might
involve some element of risk.

That's very astute of you.

There's no need to be sarcastic. Well,
why don't you tell me what you want me

say, and I'll say it.

Fine. I'd like you to say something
like, thank you, Matt, for being

with me. Although I've enjoyed myself, I
appreciate that this was only ever

about the sex and that this moment was
inevitable.

Well, I'd like you to say, I've got a
job in Africa starting tomorrow.

Clearing minefields.

So, do you think you'll still be feeling
like a slut this evening? I don't know.

Owen, if you're not going to come to the
pub, I'd like to know in advance. Why

do we have to talk about the pub so
early in the morning?

We always talk about the pub this early.
Yeah, well, not today.

Can't even look at Lindsay.

So don't look at her.

I'm not sure if I'm ever going to go to
the pub again.

Don't go to another pub.

It won't be this day.

Hello, Lindsay.

Hello, Kit.

Deb, something I should tell you. Okay.

Quite personal.

You don't fancy me as well, do you? No,
not that.

Although I do a bit.

Enough of shaggy, if you ever want. No
pressure.

I'll bear that in mind.

You may have noticed Brian's been
behaving a bit strangely all morning.

Has he?

That stuff with the thing. Oh, you mean
the wig one?

Turns out it wasn't really a wigwam.
Just kidding.

He was making it up.

Only one question remains. Why didn't he
make up something he could remember?

Well, that's what I said.

It turns out he was embarrassed because
he made a huge knob of himself in front

of you last night. I tried putting it in
perspective and telling him he's always

making a huge knob of himself, but I
think he needs you to say something.

I wouldn't want to undo all of your good
work.

See, the thing is, he doesn't actually
fancy you.

The only reason he asked you to go to
bed with him was because...

I told him that you fancied him and he
was worried it might ruin your

if you didn't.

Right.

Could you try and do it sooner rather
than later because I'd like to sort out

who I'm going to the pub with this
evening.

Of course.

And his first thought was to behold his
love.

He cast his eyes into the tree above
only to see that Damien...

had addressed his wife in ways that
cannot be expressed.

There's something wrong, Michelle.

Do you think it's amusing to find out
your wife's having an affair?

It's his own fault.

The poor man is blind.

But isn't his blindness metaphorical? He
married a woman who wasn't in love with

him for the wrong reason.

He loved that woman, and she screwed
him!

Just like Delilah screwed Samson, just
like Desdemona screwed Othello, just

all women throughout literature always
screw men.

Desdemona didn't betray Othello, did
she?

Do you know why?

Because he got to her first!

Nice kit.

On the board.

Are you OK about last night?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I take that kind of
thing on the stride.

I was pissed.

I can hardly remember what happened.

You asked me for a shag.

Really?

It's all right. I know you don't fancy
me.

Really? I know you well enough to know
when you fancy someone.

For a start, you'd be looking at me tits
the whole time.

You're right.

Although I do look at them occasionally,
just to make sure they're still there.

Thanks. By the way...

As a friend, I think they're one of your
best features.

And you can stop looking at them now?

Sorry. Kurt told me what really
happened.

So Kurt told you to come and talk to me?
He asked me to put you out of your

misery.

Something tells me if you did fancy me,
you wouldn't retch.

Show Kurt, go on.

Please, I'll pay you. A girl likes to
make tea and... I'll show you mine if

show me yours.

Not the first time you've used that
line, is it, Kurt?

Are you up already?

Right, so... Go on, we're waiting.

For what?

I'm sure you're not going to leave
without at least one attempt to

blackmail Matt into giving you a lift.

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going
to walk.

Tell you what, I'll show you mine
anyway.

You have the strangest belly button I've
ever seen.

Sure that's not his penis?

Very easy to confuse.

How come you're so scrawny, Ken?

High metabolism.

Why's he got such a tiny willy?

I, on the other hand... I'm a fat
bastard. ...have a huge knot. OK, I'll

you. On the condition I never have to
see either of your stomachs ever again.

I'm flattered.

Brian said it was really, really
disgusting.

I knew it.

Kurt likes fat girls. I told you he was
a freak.

I just don't see what's wrong with a bit
of fat.

Nothing better than a woman you can hold
on to.

No offence.

Fuck you.

So that's why you shag Liz?

No, I shag Liz because she was drunk.

Though the fat was a bonus.

I'm nowhere near as fat as Lindsay.

No offence.

Yes, you are.

It's just more compact with you.

Like tether dancing.

There's only one way to settle this.

Take your hand off me.

Come on, Liz. Let's have a look.

Hey!

Come on, then, again.

There it is.

Come on!

What the fuck is that?

Lying!

away. Go away.

Go away.

Go away.

Let's look.