Original subtitles

Shag, no shag. Can't we play a game that's not about sex?

Like what?

Well, I don't know. Top five Christmas films. Yeah.

Kurt. Um, number one, Great Escape.

I meant films about Christmas.

Oh, right.

Number one, Where Eagles Dare.

There's a lot of snow.

It's a Wonderful Life.

What's that?

The best Christmas film ever. Never heard of it.

Number two, Godfather.

Marlon Brando gets shot on Christmas Eve. Number three... Why don't we play

something else?

The new English teacher.

Fat, ugly lesbian or thin, straight bloke with a beard. Oh, sorry. Are we

supposed to be guessing what the new English teacher looks like?

No. Who would you rather have?

You mean Shag? No, I mean as a colleague.

Who would you rather work with? A fat, ugly lesbian or a thin, straight bloke

with a beard?

He hasn't got a beard.

It's a bloke.

You've met?

Briefly. After his interview.

What's he like?

He's not Simon.

Which is good.

Is it?

Does he drink?

Do you know, I'm not sure if he filled in that box on his application form.

Does he smoke?

Does he like girls? Why don't you ask him for yourself? He's coming in

What for?

Take a look round the school, meet the staff.

You're not going out? No, I'm going to the bar to get some more drinks, but

very cold up there, so I thought I'd wrap up warm.

A pint of lager, please.

41 hours,

7 minutes, and 25 seconds till the end of term.

And only 24 hours till I have sex.

After the party, I'll have sex with someone.

Everyone has sex after the party.

It's tradition, like turkey and crackers and Great Escape.

I've never had sex after a Christmas party.

Well, maybe you'll get lucky this year. The lucky people will be all the ones

who don't have sex with you, which includes me, Jenny, and I imagine Brian.

What?

What do you think?

About what?

Wasn't it like this before?

It took me hours.

Why? It's Christmas.

So here it is, Merry Christmas Everybody's

having fun

Doesn't. Have you ever stood really close to him? Right up behind him, near

enough to get your hands around his neck and squeeze your life out like a little

fucker?

No.

Why are you so anti -rat boy, anyway?

Because he reeks of sulphur and bromide and dog shit.

So?

So, there's so many twat.

You want Carol back, don't you?

Fucker. You do?

Fucker.

What's this intellectual discussion you're having?

Kurt still fancies Carol.

Fuck off! You do! Fuck off!

Good morning, everyone.

Just to let you know that Mr Casey's replacement is arriving at lunchtime

to look around the school.

He's called Matthew Harvey, and I hope you make him feel welcome.

I thought it might be a nice idea if he came to the Christmas party tonight.

He'll see us off duty as well as on.

Let's hope he doesn't change his mind about the job.

Thank you.

Shit.

What's wrong?

If this new bloke comes to the party, he might get off with the woman I'm

supposed to have. And that would be?

Carol. Fuck off. You love her.

Fuck off.

This is where we came in. You do. Fuck off. You do. Fuck off.

That's not a game.

Lunch is served from 12 .30 to 1 .15. I think today's menu is turkey.

Someone had the brilliant idea of giving us turkey every day for a week, just in

case we don't get enough turkey over Christmas.

Don't be put off by Miss Gates' cynical outlook.

Not everyone's as lacking in enthusiasm.

More fucking turkey.

Great.

This is Matthew, our new English teacher.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

It's Matt, not Matthews.

I was hoping someone would show Matt around the school this afternoon.

Perhaps Miss Neville could help me out.

Sorry? Since you'll be handing several classes over to Matt in the new year, it

might make sense if you showed him the ropes.

Can I get some lunch first?

It's turkey.

Not pretending to be a footballer. It's his geography.

What do you think you're doing, you dopey twat?

Brian is living proof that P .E. teachers really are the missing link.

I taught a bit of P .E. at my last school.

I was a Year 11 football team.

Right.

So, how were the English Youth for Fever dance?

When? Last year.

I don't know.

Didn't you have an Austin inspection?

Did I?

Mm -hmm. How'd it go?

Don't ask me.

Are you sure you actually teach it?

What are those?

What? Those earrings.

You're asking me what these earrings are?

They're earrings.

They're not allowed.

Not in year seven.

Who says?

It's the school rule.

I've only just had my ears pierced. They'll close up if I don't keep them

Well, I've seen you with earrings before.

Smaller ones, but still rings in your ears.

No, you'd have told me to take them out if you'd seen them before, wouldn't you?

I suppose so.

Well, there you go.

But I'm telling you to take them out now.

They'll go septic. Will they? But if that's what you want... Well, hang on.

I expect I'll have to take antibiotics or something.

Don't take them out and put them back in. No, I'll do what you tell me. But

better watch out for my mum.

I'm not worried about your mum.

Shouldn't you be doing something, Errol?

No.

Listen. Yes?

I need to speak to you.

Someone turn this into a common room without telling me.

Guy. What?

She said I'm just going.

And are you?

Yeah.

See you later, then.

Apart from fetching a bucket in which to be sick, what can we do for you, Mrs

Devon? Ah, actually, it was Liz I wanted to word with. Yes?

It'll kill you.

Sorry.

Is there any point in asking what all that was about?

I could make something up. Please don't bother.

Honor has come back as a king to Earth and paid his subjects with a royal wage.

And nobleness walks in our ways again, and we have come into our heritage.

Yes, Catherine.

That last word, heritage, is that a link to the overall theme?

In what way?

Well, payment and reward.

Right. Is heritage a reference back to the rich dead?

Rich what?

Dead. But the soldiers you saw dying in the trenches weren't literally rich,

were they?

Some of them.

Possibly. I don't understand.

Is Brooke being metaphorical or literal?

Maybe Brooke is trying to say something about the dead becoming rich because of

the way they were allowed to die.

Sorry, you don't mind if I jump in, do you?

No. Feel free.

There's... Brian?

What

do you want?

I want you... Can we go somewhere more private?

It's embarrassing.

I don't want you to hear this from anyone else, but... Still here, Mr.

It's going.

We need to talk.

I think we're better.

How is this going to be a party, then?

Give it time.

I could give it a year. It would still look like a school hall with bits of

tinsel on the wall. Kelly, I'll give you a hand.

He wants to be in charge of decorations.

But he never volunteers for anything.

He loves Christmas.

It's fucking magic. Has anyone got this ladder?

I haven't seen him this excited since... Whatever.

Anyone?

Who wants to bet?

Good idea.

The sooner we get pissed, the sooner we can start shagging.

Someone. I can't wait to see who it's going to be.

Trouble is we'll only have Kurt's word for it if anything does happen.

Take photos if you like.

Yeah, that would be a very good idea.

Yeah, to meet the woman who hasn't enjoyed being photographed or having

-conscious sex with a pervert. There'll be someone.

Not if Matt jumps the queue and gets off with whoever you were supposed to. The

woman who doesn't exist.

Why would she want Matt and not me? How many reasons would you like?

Well, he's not good -looking, is he? Yes.

Do you fancy him?

Do you? Even if I did, I wouldn't be sad enough to shag the new teacher on his

first day at school.

Well, why not?

You'd shag a new teacher on day one?

Yeah. Even though he's a bloke?

Curse not that fussy.

Yeah, but maybe Matthew.

He looks like he's got standards.

Are you saying Matt wouldn't shag me?

Are you saying you want him to?

Yes. Uh, no.

Pub? Oh, yeah.

The French connection.

Gene Hackman's wearing a Danford cloth suit right at the start.

Number four, Die Hard.

Bruce Willis is trying to spend Christmas with his wife.

Number five, Die Hard 2.

Bruce Willis is trying to spend another Christmas with his wife.

Your name, Matt?

Where you going, mate?

Oh, jeez.

Anyone fancy a drink? Oh, I know. I love the usual.

Sorry, what's that?

A pint of lager.

Matt?

Oh, no, I'm not drinking now. I'll have a bit.

Yeah? Yeah, but I don't want to make a bad impression before I mean to die.

No one's going to remember what you do tonight. You could have sex with Kurt in

the middle of the dance floor and we'd all forget it by the morning.

I'm not sure I would.

So do you want a drink or not?

Um, anyhow, go on then. Um, I'll have a pint, please. No, I'll go.

Go on, Matt.

Get us some crisps while you're up there. Cheese, I mean.

And some smoky bake.

I might need a hand. Ah, you'll be okay.

So, Matt, would you, uh, like a cigarette?

Oh, cheers.

Another smoker.

Excellent.

Thank you.

I'm sure it'll get going in a minute.

Cheers.

Maybe we should make a move.

Do you want to go to this party, anyone?

No. I was just saying maybe we should go to the party now.

Don't be stupid.

It's far too early.

You'll go, Matt.

The weirdest place you've ever had a shag?

Weirdest place would be... I went to staff toilets.

Where, here? Yeah.

I had a quickie with Claire after lunch.

No.

No. At your last school?

No. I was joking.

He's won a shag in a toilet.

He has dreams about it. I don't. You do.

Not for a while now.

You have to understand, Matt, that Kirk is a very strange little man.

But don't let one small pill put you off the rest of us. I'll try not to.

It's my round, I think.

But JP says 7 .30. I'll have a pint.

And the scotch and ginger.

I'll give you a hand.

You'll go?

My guess.

No. Are you Bob's wife? Yvonne.

And you are?

I'm JP.

JP. JP.

Oh.

I've heard about you.

Anyone off their face yet? Nah, it's too early.

I said we should have stayed for another round.

Oh, look, Bob's brought his wife.

Oh, fuck, keep her away from me. Why? What's wrong? Well, last time I met her,

she was all over me. Tried to stick her tongue down my throat.

Nice image. Maybe that's who you're going to shag.

I'd rather top myself.

She's coming.

You could always shag Jenny.

Nah, she wouldn't let me.

Would she?

Of course she wouldn't.

Don't let them bastards fool you.

I made the mistake of thinking one or two of them were my friends.

But I'll stab you in the back. First opportunity.

Really? You think I'm joking?

No, I'm sure.

I can give you an example.

You want an example?

I don't. October the 5th, 1997.

Who then?

Who can I shag?

I don't know why you're asking. It's obvious who you want.

Don't start about Carol again.

I guess can't be choosers.

I'm not that desperate.

Yes, you are.

Do you want to have that word now?

Sorry? Well, you've been after me all day.

I think I've worked out why.

Have you?

What are you doing?

I'm waiting for you.

Well, just can't you wait for me outside?

Not until you answer one simple question.

Are you trying to get off with me?

Oh, no.

I mean, no, thank you.

Well, where are you going to let me?

I was thinking about it.

I've had a lot to drink.

I'm flattered, obviously, but I'd rather not.

Then why have you been after me all day?

Hasn't Kayla said anything?

About what?

Listen, Kayla's great, don't get me wrong.

I think she's a smashing kid, but she's just a bit rude sometimes.

Rude, huh?

It's like she thinks I'm a tosser.

Has she ever said she thinks I'm a tosser?

Not in so many words.

I don't want blind obedience. I just think I deserve a little bit of respect.

Don't you?

No.

23 years without any kind of sexual activity.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can you imagine if not for Trish?

I'm trying not to.

It's hot in here, isn't it?

You think someone could open a window or a door?

Where is the nearest door, just out of interest?

Should we break it up?

Maybe.

He's quite nice.

You're not thinking of... Please.

But at the end of term, I've had a bottle of wine, so... So you'd like a

wouldn't you?

At the end of term...

Had a bottle of wine.

It's far -fresh meat, look.

Boss, we should do something.

Nah, that's how we cope.

What are they doing?

Bailing him out.

Why?

Maybe they like him.

You mean fancy him?

Oh, he's good -looking, isn't he?

Susan said.

Well, you don't think he's good -looking?

Why would I know?

Blokes can't tell if other blokes are good -looking.

Bollocks.

It's true.

You can't see that I'm good -looking.

No, I'm saying I wouldn't be able to tell if women found you attractive or

if I didn't know for a fact they don't.

What did you say?

Just slipped out.

About Carol?

I didn't notice it was Carol.

I just saw her tits and thought they looked nice.

Oh, they were.

They are.

What does he think he looks like?

At least he's not wearing his leather jacket.

I shouldn't say this, but I sometimes wonder if I couldn't have done a little

better for myself.

Surely not.

There have been days when I've even thought of leaving.

If you walked out on Bob, there'd be a queue of women waiting to take your

place.

What?

The head of the department fancied your husband.

And as you can see, the head teacher's having trouble keeping her hands to

herself.

I've no idea.

Forget Carol.

I can't.

She took her glasses off.

Why does she have to take them off?

You've never seen her without her back?

No, of course I have.

It's just, I forgot what she looked like.

She's not going to shag you.

I'll tell you who might, though.

Who?

Liz.

Liz! She's gagging for it.

I was first choice, but she might make do with you.

Fuck off.

It's the best chance you've got.

I think I might... have someone else.

Oh, let me guess.

Short, a bit squiffy -eyed, bumpy.

Nice tits, though.

I can't remember the last time I had so much fun.

Is that because you've got a bad memory?

No.

Is it because you've never had so much fun?

Please don't feel you have to talk to me. No one else does.

Then why is that?

That's a long story.

Can I have a word?

In private.

Of course, there's always Brian.

I think once is quite enough with Brian. Twice might give him ideas.

Like what?

Like I want him to be my boyfriend.

Is he any good?

Not bad. Maybe you should give him a go. I'm sure he'd be thrilled.

Me and Brian.

Why not?

He's enthusiastic, full of energy, not without imagination, and he'd be very,

very grateful.

I can't believe I'm going to ask you this, and I'm probably going to regret

for the rest of my life, but would you like to sleep with me?

Is this a wine gulp?

No. The act of an sexually frustrated woman who's had too much to drink.

Shag, yes or no?

Yes.

Please.

Thank you.

I'll just get another drink.

Maybe quite a few.

If I can't square my fear with what I want to do.

Don't treat me like a dog.

Treat me like a dog.

I'll come home to you.

To you.

To you.

I still learn to talk.

About last night, I don't normally do that. Which part of what we did do you

normally do?

All of it.

If you think I normally jump into bed with a girl the first day I meet her,

you'd be wrong.

I'm glad to hear it.

Do me a favour. At school, keep your mouth shut.

You've seen what people think of me.

They think I'm this easy, and I doubt their opinions would approve.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I wouldn't look too good either, would I?

Turn up, say hello, start shagging.

Bit sleazy.

Very.

No!

What's wrong?

You having a nightmare?

Hope I still am.

Energetic, enthusiastic, very eager to please.

Maybe let himself down in duration, but the second time was better.

Did he do that thing with his note?

What thing?

Obviously nothing.

We're nearly there yet. No, go to sleep.

I'll have orange juice, cereal and coffee.

There's no time.

No orgasm, no breakfast.

This is how you treat all your girlfriends.

You're not my...

What do you mean, no orgasm?

I heard you groaning.

With disappointment.

Disappointment? Kurt, can I be honest?

Can I stop you?

Last night, it wasn't... You weren't very good.

I tried my best.

That was your best?

The first time... That was an accident.

Yeah, but after that, couldn't you try something interesting?

Like what?

Like foreplay for a start.

There was foreplay.

Groping me in the taxi.

And on the stairs.

Oh, you keep it down.

Fuck, I thought you'd gone.

I don't think I can make it in today. You didn't hear what she just said?

About the sex?

Yeah.

You keep it to yourself?

Yeah.

And you won't tell anyone?

Will you?

As if I would.

Good morning.

How are you?

Good morning.

Six hours, 27 minutes.

And 30 seconds till the end of the... What?

You don't fancy doing that again, do you? You said he wouldn't ask. Try and

behave yourself.

What's wrong with asking?

We had a good time, didn't we? I'd have to be very desperate and very drunk to

want to have sex with you again.

So, how about tonight?

Here.

Cover plan for the light weeks that couldn't drag themselves in this

Morning, everyone.

Oh, Mr Harvey. How are you today?

Great, thanks.

Morning, all. What happened to you last night?

Nothing. Why?

Didn't see you leave.

Oh, I disguised myself as the camp commandant and walked past the guards at

main gate.

Did I miss anything?

Well... You didn't miss a thing.

How was your hotel?

Fine. Anyone seen Bob?

Yeah. Over there.

What's wrong with JP?

He's pretending to have a migraine. I gave him a couple of aspirins, told him

be here by dinner time.

When did you see JP?

This morning, your place.

I slept with Kurt last night.

He was terrible.

How was Brian?

Not bad. You slept with Kurt?

Hmm, seemed like a good idea at the time. But he's got a very small penis.

Do you mean small in proportion to the rest of his body, or small compared to

the average size?

I don't mean small.

Very small.

Good morning.

Oh, my fly's open.

No, we were just looking at your trousers because Liz says you have a

penis.

Don't push.

Keep the noise down.

Keep the noise down. That includes you, Kayla.

I am sick and tired of your attitude.

Your lack of respect.

It's got to stop, hasn't it?

I said, hasn't it?

Are you crying?

Come on.

What have you done to her?

I made her cry.

I made her cry.

What's up?

Terrible. It's what you wanted.

No, I thought it was what I wanted.

I feel like a bully.

Did you find Errol?

No.

What's wrong?

Hangover?

Leave him out.

Did something happen with Kurt last night?

You mean?

He wouldn't shut up about you and your glasses.

Kept on and on about you taking them off. When?

Last night, after the party.

I went back to his place.

We slept together.

You don't have a problem with that.

No?

You're over Kurt, aren't you?

Anyway... You're better off with someone whose willy you can actually see with a

naked eye.

I take it you did have sex because?

So what do I do?

Hide. Hide.

You can't hide from Liz.

You can run, but she'll hunt you down and kill you like a dog.

...units to be marked by the end of the week preceding our term draft lesson

plan every Friday afternoon, incorporating my notes by the following

Fantastic.

Excellent. Right, well, I'm just going to pop home and shag my wife.

See you next term.

Bye.

Hello.

Have you heard about Brian?

He managed to make a year seven cry.

Little girl.

I was trying to keep it quiet.

What were you talking about?

Nothing.

Right, I'm off now.

Are you not going to stay for lunch?

Turkey? No, don't think so.

Oh, she always finds me a pint or three.

Or five. It's the last day of term. Fuck it.

Forgive me for butting in, Mr McKenna.

Matthew, the local rag.

Property pages at the back. Cheers.

If your wife would like advice on which areas to look at. I'll tell her to give

you a call.

You're married?

Fucking hell.

You kept that quiet?

I had you down as one of us.

Fucking hell.

Have you got any kids?

Two. Fucking hell!

How lovely.

What are you going to do when you come down the pub with us? You're not

your kids.

Of course he's not.

You can bring the wife, though.

Yeah, but only if she's fit.

Is she?

Is she what? Fit?

If he married her, he'd probably think she is.

But since she's unavailable, it really doesn't matter.

Who says she's unavailable?

She's married.

Yeah, but is she fit?

I'll catch you up.

Where are you going?

I should say goodbye to Penny.

I should say thanks for showing me around. Don't ask her to the pub.

God, no. You just sit there with a face like a slapped arse. Don't even mention

the pub. She'll turn up uninvited like she normally does. Something tells me

don't like her very much.

Really? I thought she was back, yeah?

You're wrong. See you later.

I guess I owe you an apology.

I was going to tell you, I didn't think it was the right time.

You just thought you'd wait till after you shagged me.

We were shagging each other.

What's the difference?

Well, what happened wasn't entirely my fault.

You don't think your wife might blame you just a tiny little bit? My wife

find out.

If you'd have told me the truth, then I could have made up my own mind whether

to sleep with you or not.

Then would you have done?

No.

I don't believe it.

I thought we were going to be friends.

Oh, grow up.

Fuck's sake.

You're not a teenager.

Neither am I.

We're a couple of adults. Be back then.

Well, maybe we shouldn't.

Maybe.

I'm going to the pub.

Bring him a beer.

Two hours, 23 minutes and 10 seconds.

Wouldn't you rather be down at the pub with Kurt and your boyfriend?

Don't you dare call him that. You love Brian, don't you? Fuck off. You want to

marry him. Fuck off. You want to have his babies and grow old together in a

little bungalow in Clepton. Fuck off. You do. Fuck off. You do.

Again.

What's the hurry? I thought I'd be home for the kid.

Bedtime. Does it matter if you're not?

No.

I'd like to be there.

So, just one more point.

Yeah. Ah, fuck it.

I thought a train broke down at Bracken.

The train goes nowhere near Bracken.

I called the wrong train.

Even better.

October. Half an hour.

I suggested all sex.

I just mentioned it, you know, in passing. Next thing I know, she's

south.

And this is after we've done it doggy fashion on the upstairs landing.

I don't know what's got into her.

Apart from me. Three times last night, twice this lunchtime.

No, all I'm saying is she can do better for herself.

I mean, I could be head of IT in a few years.

What's Ratboy ever going to be?

Head of test tubes with special responsibility for Bunsen burners.

Tears were dripping down her little cheeks.

It's like I've molested her.

I felt like a paedophile.

I'm a fucking nunce.

Well, that's me. I'm off.

Bye. See you next term.

Shit, we're going to be late.

Fuck it, I don't care.

Let's spend the rest of the day here.

No.

I've got to see Kayla.

I've got to say sorry for making her cry.

Okay.

Then I'll go and see Carol.

What for?

I'm going to tell her she shouldn't waste her life with Ratboy.

Good idea.

Can I speak to Kayla, please?

Jesus, how much do you have? A couple of pounds.

Is she here? No, I know, but I think that... I just wanted to say how

sorry I am about what happened.

Oh, you stink.

Shh. If Mrs Hunter smells your breath... I'm trying to apologise.

I'm really, really sorry I made you cry.

Does it matter?

Yes, it does.

I did a very bad thing and I'm sorry. You're alright.

What I said was unprofessional

and cruel.

Just forget it.

Forgive me. Whatever.

You're pissed, aren't you?

I had a couple of beers with Mr McKenna.

He needed cheering up. Your mum said some very cruel things.

About Mr McKenna? Yeah. She said he wasn't very big.

I mean, not tall. Short.

He's a very short bloke, that's what she said.

And he got upset?

Well, he's not normal, is he?

I could have handled it better.

I should have talked to you, returned your calls, not run away and hidden

so much.

I'm not saying I want you back.

I just don't want to see you throwing your life away.

You could do better.

Maybe not a lot, but better than Rat Boy.

What did you call me?

Rat Boy.

It's just a nickname.

So, that's it.

Well,

that's what you wanted, the end of term.

Yeah, but it's only 349 hours till we're back.

I can't spend the holiday worrying about what's going to happen when I see you

again. What's to worry about?

I made Kayla cry.

You can't imagine how bad I feel right now.

Whatever you want to call me, I've been calling myself worse. I don't know how

it happened.

Well, I do, because I was there, obviously, but I didn't mean to push her

far, but I must have... Oh, for fuck's sake, Brian, do be quiet.

I know what happened with you and Kayla.

You know.

She lied about the earring.

She had her ears pierced in the summer.

And she didn't really cry.

I paid her ten quid.

Eh? Well, I felt sorry for you. I know how tricky Kayla can be, so I asked her

to pretend to be afraid of you. Just once, before the end of town.

Why?

Christmas present.

From me to you.

But, well, I haven't got you anything.

That's okay.

I could chug you.

No. Really.

You were going to let me last night.

Yeah, that was before I slept with Kurt.

I don't want to risk any more disappointments this week.

There won't be a disappointment. Ask Susan what she thought.

Brian, I don't want sex.

I just want a drink.

That's not really a breeze.

Just looks like you're wearing makeup.

Ah, what happened?

If you'd bothered to turn up this afternoon, you'd know.

You think he caught you copping off with Carol?

No.

I called him Ratboy.

But that's his name.

No, Brian.

His name is Errol.

Is it?

Carol, come and join us.

It's...

Carol, I'm not with you.

Fuck off.

He did.

Would you like a drink?

As usual.

A pint of lager and a Bailey's Chaser.

Coming right up.

If she goes to the bar, I'll have another.

Oh, Lord Scott.

Make it two.

Your hand.

You don't think they're going to start shagging again?

Well, that would be tricky, given they've never shagged before.

What? Carol told me when they went out, they didn't have sex.

Maybe they did, but she didn't realise.

I mean, you said it was very small.

No.

They only kiss.

On the lips?

Yes.

Songs?

Sometimes. Is she a virgin?

No.

What did being rat boy do to you? I couldn't bring myself to ask. No.

He was always banging on about how much he'd shagged her.

Male bravado.

I am back.

They're coming.

Not a word. I promise, Carol, I wouldn't tell him. Right.

You just told us.

In confidence.

So, Carol, I hear Kurt never shagged you.

Of course I did.

Kurt, tell me the truth now. Did you really shag Carol?

I didn't exactly shag her in the normal sense of the word. I don't know what's

wrong with you.

We thought we'd, you know,

save ourselves.