Original subtitles

Where's Jenny?

Alex scripted me off. She's coming down afterwards, though.

Slight suspicion she'll be first next.

She never comes to the pub anymore.

She was here yesterday.

All right, she sometimes never comes to the pub.

It's almost as if she's got something better to do.

She's in a relationship, isn't she?

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Only that when you're in a relationship, there's not much point

down the path, sir. It might surprise you to know that some of us are here

because we enjoy the sense of community and fraternity.

Kurt, get a move on with my drink, you twat.

I'm not saying that it's not fun being here. It's just I can think of better

things to do.

Some of us are here because there's nothing we'd rather do of an evening.

Kurt, for example. He's thrilled.

Kurt, tell Simon why you come here every evening without fail.

I've got to, just in case.

In case of what?

In case one evening a sexy rich lady stumbles across this pub and invites me

back to her apartment for sex.

Shoot me now.

Never forgive myself if I wasn't here.

See you at the usual time.

Aren't you going to work?

Go to work?

What's up?

I think I'll be cheap in that business.

Since you are, I didn't. Well, could you?

What's up?

Nothing. I'm glad to hear it. Why, do you think someone's going to go?

You've got the job you've always wanted, the flat you've always wanted, and...

For the first time since I can remember, I actually feel secure.

Isn't that a good thing? No, it is.

I'm just slightly worried it's not all that exciting.

Well, it's a good job I didn't hear that last bit, because it sounded almost as

if you were saying your life wasn't exciting.

Go away, Simon.

Relax. This is something we've all had to come to terms with.

Really? I realise your life wasn't exciting.

Don't you think your life's boring?

I can't even believe you asked that question.

Which question? Don't I think my life is boring?

You don't think your life is boring?

My life is a rich tapestry of experience and diversity.

We're having this breakfast.

What are we talking about?

Jenny's a little bit concerned that her life is boring.

Oh, that.

Now, what do we do?

Wake up, shag, go to school, go home.

Shag, fall asleep.

Plus we go to the pub.

I didn't know we had that much sex.

You'll have sex if you share good wine.

When you were a child, when you were younger, was this all you thought your

would be?

Maybe more sex, but basically, yeah.

I'd never expected much sex.

But don't you think it's all a little bit predictable?

Watch. Any second now, Penny comes in.

Well, Penny's always late.

She's always late by the same amount of time.

And watch how she always goes straight to her pigeonhole, checks it thoroughly,

even though she knows there's never anything in it, notices Bob watching

makes polite small talk with him, and then pretends she's got to talk to

else.

Cue Claire.

Good morning.

Owing to the extortionate nature of last month's stationery bill, I've decided

we're going to have a stationery amnesty.

Carol will set up a deposit box in the staff room.

Please return any stationery you have lying around.

Otherwise, you'll have nothing to write with.

We can't be having that, can we?

Stop! How much stationery did they waste? Printing memos about not wasting

stationery. Stationery, I mean. How exciting.

English department meeting Friday.

We're allocating our departmental library fund.

Can't.

My life's okay, isn't it?

I wouldn't go that far.

Good morning!

And I hope you had as exciting an evening as I did.

Catherine.

Hold on a sec.

Can you hold on a sec?

Listen, I've got to go. I will do. Love you too.

Right.

Don't let him get you down. Bye -bye.

Well, you've quite finished. Bye.

Sorry. Perhaps, Catherine, you'd like to tell us what was so interesting.

Oh, it's not that exciting.

Apparently, it's more exciting than what we're doing.

We're doing registration.

Well, let's hear it, then.

Well, there's this boy, Shane. He's supposed to be going out with Claire,

Who's my best mate. But Claire caught him snogging Julie, who's a cow.

So, Claire dumps him and starts seeing Dave, who's Shane's best mate.

Who's best mate?

Except Dave didn't tell Shane.

So when Shane starts missing Claire, he goes round to her house and catches them

snogging. What did he do?

He went mental and now he's not interested.

And Claire's not speaking to Dave because she doesn't really fancy him.

and Shane don't ever want to speak to each other again.

It's not actually that interesting, though. I mean, it's quite an

point taken. But the fact is we're doing registration, which is infinitely more

important, if not terribly interesting.

Right, that's it. Get in here.

What did he want?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Actually, this is confiscated. Thank you very much.

Would you really be doing that?

216. That can't be right.

216 file numbers. Shit.

Not bad.

How many?

Well, I only bought it a couple, six weeks ago.

25.

I'm sure I knew more people than that.

It's natural. As people get older, they shed friends.

But I'm already down to my last 25.

That's right, I'll be a hermit by the time I'm 30.

Oh, Susan's listed twice, mobile and all. 24, started already.

I'm going to list the phone numbers.

Well, it represents everyone worth knowing in my life.

Mr. Tandoori.

Corey, I... You do realise that one of the numbers on that list is likely to

belong to the person you end up marrying?

That's what they say, isn't it?

Most people have met the person they're going to marry by the time they're 25,

often without their knowing it.

Susan.

Jenny.

Liz.

Claire. Oh, the press.

If you feel any better, you can delete my name.

Sorry, I didn't... It's not that I have any objection to marrying you.

In theory, it's just that I feel that I shouldn't really have to. You don't.

But what JP's saying is that I probably will.

Trust me, you won't. I've done it once, remember?

Plus, Liz is already married.

Jenny or Claire gets worse.

I could see you marrying Claire.

I thought she was married.

Please, she's not my type.

You're so her type.

I'm too much of a loose cannon.

She's bossy, authoritarian,

officious. She needs someone who encourages those traits. I don't want to

Claire. Not now, you don't. But someday.

Soon.

I'm going to marry Claire.

The point is, we're all going to marry Claire.

Metaphorically.

On all our phones, there's a Claire lurking somewhere, someone you can't

you'd ever marry, but who one day you'll start considering as a maybe, and

before long, it's not such a bad idea.

I've got Kim Wilde's phone number.

You know Kim Wilde?

Not physically.

Why have you got her number?

Don't worry, it's not like I've ever used it.

That doesn't reassure me.

When I was 13, a mate gave it to me.

I don't know, I just always kept it. Conferred it from one phone book to the

next. But you've never called her?

Just in case I need to.

Why would you need to call Kim Wilde?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling a bit lonely, I say to myself, well, if worse

to worst, I can always give Kim a call.

It cheers me up, knowing that I've always got that option.

Knowing that however bad things have got, they're not as bad as they could

I wouldn't be so sure.

How do you know it's still her number?

Bearing in mind that this was...

1985, and people occasionally move house every 20 years. Bearing in mind it was

almost certainly never her number in the first place, and even if by some

miracle of cross -wiring you actually managed to speak to her, the only thing

you're likely to hear is screaming.

Just leave it.

So who do you reckon you'd choose if you could have one celebrity's number?

Nice. Good question.

Remember, it's not as simple as who would you want to have sex with. This is

someone you'd have to talk to.

Kim Wilde.

That's the beauty of it.

I'll take it down.

Sure.

War poets.

Ordinary men who found themselves in extraordinary times. What do we mean by

that? Ordinary people, you know, like you and me, except they had something

interesting to write about. We've all had something interesting to write

Yeah, but with that story, it'd be boring, wouldn't it? Speak for yourself.

I happen to think there's plenty of exciting stuff in my life, provided it

sufficiently edited.

All right, all right, all right. Let's try something. How about I want each of

you to take out a piece of paper and write down some of the things that

to you last week. Take your time with it. Don't worry even if you get stuck.

I'll give you 15 minutes. I don't even do it myself.

Oh, time's up. Pen's down.

Oh, you said 15 minutes. Time's up!

Michelle! One more minute. This isn't an exam. This is just an exercise.

What's going

on?

Is this you?

She's some kind of joke.

I just put your name in the search engine, and this site came out top.

You didn't invent the special Hoover filter, did you, sir?

She's done everything.

She scaled mountains, walked across Africa for charity.

Even had a bit part in the original Rambo movie.

Oh, bad luck, mate.

And he's got your name.

I always thought I'd make something of myself.

But this guy's beaten me to it.

When the world thinks of Kurt McKenna, it thinks of Kurt McKenna.

Where does the real Kurt live?

America.

He used to be the British Kurt McKenna.

But I'll never be global.

When you're young, you've got so much to look forward to, you don't notice how

dull life is. But once you're old, you can't entertain yourself by wondering

where you'll end up, because you're already there.

Well, it's up to us. We need to say, that's it.

We've had enough. From now on, we're going to do something with our lives.

Hmm.

Who wants a lift to the pub?

Me. You for one more?

Simon? The pub's where it all starts.

We go in, they give us the alcohol.

It makes life just bearable enough so we can get out of bed the next day and

begin the whole miserable fucking charade again.

What else is a pub for? I'm going to go home, I'm going to sit on my sofa, and

do you know what I'm going to do?

Wank?

Watch Sally?

Television erodes the imaginative capacity. No, I'm going to reawaken my

imagination.

I'm going to read a book.

And I don't mean porn.

Hiya. Hi.

I thought we could just go to the pub with the others. Just for a drink. It'll

be fun.

I could pick up a bottle of wine if you want to drink.

We don't have to spend every evening just the two of us at home.

You spend all day with your teacher friends.

I know, but I just don't want us to fall into that trap where we stop going out

just because we've got each other.

Hiya. Hiya. Hiya.

So, Penny, how do you deal with life being boring?

I don't think my life is boring.

But you're a teacher. That implies failure on some level.

Fail.

Reading a book would be like an admission of failure. It's like

My life's boring, so I'm going to read about someone else's. I don't think I'm

ready to admit that just yet.

Let's say we drink up and just go to another bar, somewhere completely

different. See what happens.

My students get up tomorrow in 24 hours than I do in a month.

I've got 24 phone numbers left and my total diet consists of six meals. How

many? I've hardly ever left this town. I don't even know if all the places I

hear about actually exist. America, France, Wales.

Wales exists, trust me. I'm supposed to live in a time where you can do or be

anything you want, but I just drift around, incapable of a single original

thought or doing anything of any fucking merit or point. And even though I know

all this, I can't do anything about it because...

I'm completely shit.

Why don't you go somewhere then? Take some time off.

I wish.

What's stopping you?

You say that, but it's not so easy. Just get on a plane.

Life doesn't work like that. Why not?

Badger. Go the other side.

Don't be difficult.

I'm not being difficult.

I want this side.

Why are you in such a funny mood?

I want to sleep on this side of the bed.

Is it about control?

No. I just don't see why we have to get in such a routine about everything.

What's wrong with a routine?

It gets a bit boring.

I love our routine.

Simon Casey, professional darts player.

A couple of minor victories on the pro circuit, but nothing to get worked up

about. Try another search engine. Well, I've tried them all.

There's got to be a Simon Casey somewhere.

Not of any distinction.

Look on the bright side. The world's still got room for a Simon Casey.

It's already got its Curt McKenna.

Curt McKenna's everywhere.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe it's time I stopped being just another Simon Casey and become the Simon

Casey and...

Did something with my life other than flushing it down its soil?

Maybe.

What was that?

What? I thought you just said something.

Basically, just thinking.

What about?

Nothing.

He must have been thinking about something.

Does it really matter?

He loves our routine.

They asked Alec if he was forward tonight.

He's happy.

Everything's just as he wants it to be.

Ouch.

That worries me.

Good morning, everyone.

As we all seem incapable of returning any stationery, we've got no choice but

lock the stationery cupboard.

If anyone needs any stationery, they will please ask Carol, who will get you

sign for it.

You literally just have to go in, say you want to go somewhere, and they sell

you a ticket.

I didn't realize it was such a secret.

I am now the proud owner of one plane ticket.

Great. Where are you going?

Oh, let me see.

South America.

That's a long way to go for a holiday.

Holiday? Please.

This is for real. It's an open -ended ticket.

Simon Casey is going traveling.

When? Saturday.

Which Saturday?

This Saturday.

Tell me this is a joke.

Just get on a plane and go.

For a holiday, not forever, and without a moment's thought.

Well, I've thought about it. I want it somewhere hot, exotic, beautiful women.

So you've thought about who's going to teach your class?

Penny could say my theatre group. It's about time she did some work and glad

can get a supply. I don't know.

She's not an expert.

This is the most irresponsible thing you have ever done.

Your idea?

I said take a break, not get on a plane, quit and never come back.

This weird thing happened. The more I used it, the less ink there was, then it

just ran out.

Oh, can I have a pencil as well?

I'm going to cancel my ticket.

Good. It's not that I don't want to go. It's just that the timing is a tiny

bit... Fucking irresponsible, stupid, selfish. Shall I go on?

Although it's not a completely fruitless exercise.

How so?

Well, now I know I can do it. I know that if I want, I can walk into a travel

agency and get a plane ticket. There's a lesson there for us all.

No, there's a lesson there for you, son.

I'm thinking of taking your advice.

What advice?

About breaking up with Alec. I never advised you to break up with Alec.

I thought you said you know when it's right if you have to ask it isn't.

When did I say that? Once.

Why does everyone keep assuming I'm giving them advice?

So you don't think I should?

I don't think it's any of my business.

I think maybe I should.

Good. So you think it's a good idea?

I think it's good that you should come to a decision. So it's a good decision?

Any decision is good.

Decisions are good things.

You got divorced, didn't you?

You took a decision and changed the biggest thing in your life. Has that

To be honest, there hasn't made much of a difference.

I have the same job, same friends, same amount of sex.

Just more duvet.

You're not going to believe this.

They wouldn't refund your ticket. I went back. I said, listen, I made a mistake.

I was upset.

You knew.

The real giveaway was the word non -refundable printed in big letters at

top.

Why only ever read the small print?

Put it down to experience.

What a waste of money.

Don't even think about getting on that plane.

Maybe this is Faith's way of telling me I should go.

Maybe this is your way of fucking up.

If I decide to go, you can't tell anyone.

If you decide to go, you've got to tell Claire straight away.

Can't I just run away?

This one you've got to tackle like an adult.

Shit.

You decide.

It's your turn.

I chose last time.

What's the best way of breaking up with someone?

You've come to the right man.

What do you know about breaking up with someone?

I'm always getting dumped.

You'll believe some of the excuses I've heard.

I tend to work the reverse angle. You know, I start getting on men's nerves,

doing the wrong thing, and after a couple of weeks you'll find I lend it

you. Very subtle.

Often I don't even realise I'm doing it. I've decided to quit my job and go

travelling. So, what's Alec done? He hasn't done anything.

You don't fancy him, do you?

Happens. No, I just don't find him that exciting anymore.

Right. You don't find him attractive, do you? I'm serious.

Find him attractive?

Yeah, but do you... I like having sex with him. So, you find him attractive

you like having sex with him.

I don't see what the problem is. Well, we have a personality clash.

Go on. We don't have anything in common other than we enjoy having sex together.

Women are very confusing.

So, how are you going to tell him?

These things are always best handled with sensitivity and the level of them.

I've got a plane ticket and everything.

South America.

What's wrong with South America?

Brian, word association.

Paris. Quattro.

Spain. All. South America.

Pockets situation.

Practically a national activity in that part of the world.

You've got to promise me.

No leaving party, no presents, no ceremony. I just want to go without a

No problem. Yeah? Seriously.

Promise me.

Not even a large cake with a naked woman hiding inside.

What kind of cake?

Don't know.

Just as a point of reference.

Not even a naked woman in a large cake. Although, I think I'd be prepared to

forgive you if you ordered one.

I wasn't going to. No, but if you did...

She's got massive tits.

Are you awake?

How can I not be?

We need to have a serious discussion.

I can just wait until the morning. This is important.

You're drunk.

I like you a lot, Alec.

You're a very nice man and you have a lovely face.

But... Where's the alarm clock?

You knocked it onto the floor. I'm not sure where we are, you know?

This is your bedroom. I don't mean me. I mean us.

Where are we headed?

I'm not in love with you, Alec.

If this is about the side of the bed, you can have this side of the bed. I

having sex with you, but that's it.

Go to sleep.

Listen to me!

You're making no sense.

You're very, very boring, and I'm going to break up with you.

You're broken up with?

You just have faith in the crowd.

It just occurred to me, I don't think I've taken a proper decision for years.

Not a proper one, one that actually changed something.

I mean, when was the last time you made an important decision?

When we got cable.

I tend to see my life as a series of happy accidents.

That's my point. We don't take decisions anymore. We just drift along.

Every day we're faced with millions of choices, but we rarely take any of them.

I make choices.

You don't.

You couldn't even choose to, I don't know, stand up.

If you wanted to stand up right now and just...

Go over to the fridge and get me, JP, and Brian another beer. You wouldn't.

couldn't.

Fuck you.

Lie back down, Moses.

There.

You see?

I'm really going to miss you.

Bender.

Me too.

Puff.

No, I'm not.

Swat.

I wish you were.

I might do, but in a cool way.

Wakey, wakey. Here you go.

My head hurts.

What happened?

You got very drunk.

God.

Did I do anything stupid?

You threw up a couple of times.

Broke a lamp.

And oh yes, you dumped me.

Terrible. Don't worry about it.

These things happen when you're drunk.

You

need

to get a move on if you're going to have breakfast. How do you mean these things

happen when you're drunk? Let's just forget about it, pretend it never

But I broke up with you.

Well, we often do things we...

Regret when we're drunk.

What if I don't regret it?

You don't regret the way you behaved last night.

I regret the way I did it, but not what I did.

I was being serious.

I know I was drunk and I was insensitive, but I meant what I said.

Morning. Morning.

This is the last time we're ever going to do this.

Do what?

Meet like this.

Oh. Only I've been passing you every morning for almost a year now, and I

we never say hello, and maybe we should.

Although it's a bit late for that, but...

In a strange way, I'm going to miss you.

Not saying hello to you.

This is the last time I'm ever going to come into this place with a hangover.

I'm going to miss it. Give me a minute.

It's not easy.

Handing in your resignation is like breaking up with someone.

I mean, how did you handle it?

Got drunk, called him boring, passed out on the floor. And how would you

recommend that strategy?

I'm going... Fifteen pence of today. I know,

but what can I say?

And I love one of those whiteboard compasses as well.

Bend diagrams.

What is it?

Working with you has been... Well, it's been great.

And my time here has been very important to me. But, you know...

I think all good things have to come to an end. And I want you to know this has

nothing to do with you.

This is just something I have to deal with.

You're going to get to the point.

I want a hand in my resignation.

You're not serious?

I think it's the right thing to do. I've had a good think about it.

When? All last night, really.

When were you thinking of resigning?

When would be best.

Well, obviously, I'd prefer it if you waited until the end of term.

Any other time, good?

I suggest you take this a little more seriously.

I was thinking more in terms of today.

I'm sorry?

I'm resigning.

Now. Here.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Oh, no.

I mean... Fuck, Simon.

It's not as though I'm the greatest teacher in the world.

You're better than no teacher.

Do you have any idea how disruptive this will be to your students?

I don't. Do you have any idea how irresponsible this is?

Well, I know this is a terrible thing to do, but I also know that if I stay here

any longer, I might... die.

I want you to think about this very carefully.

You walk out of here now, you're finished teaching for good, and I don't

mean here.

You've made a commitment to us. And once you've broken that commitment, there's

no way back.

For a plane ticket!

You can't just buy a fucking plane ticket on the spur of the fucking

Well, that's what I thought, but travel agents these days... I had no idea she'd

take it so badly.

What did you ex...

I had no idea she could swear so much.

Oi! No running in the car at all!

I just thought I should do it once before I left.

What's going on?

Catherine?

It's not sane, is it?

Not true, is it, sir?

What's not true?

About you leaving.

You told you that?

Sir, you can't leave.

I had no idea. I mean, this was a hard decision for

me, but yes, I'm no longer going to be teaching you.

But I want you to know this decision had nothing to do with you. This is about

me and your school.

The truth is, I'm no longer happy here, and if I'm not happy, I can't give you

what you need. I can't be a good teacher, and you guys deserve a good

And if you're lucky, you might get one.

A supply teacher or something. I'm not quite sure how it works, but no

doubt they'll be quite good.

Maybe without my flamboyance, but... I promise I'll...

Come and visit. I'll stay in touch.

You bastards.

You don't actually give a shit, do you?

Well,

at least I told you something.

It's going to be weird without you.

Yeah.

Although in some ways it won't be any different. Don't worry. I'll send you a

postcard every week so you've got something to talk about.

Can I have your bike?

I'm having his bike.

I can't give it to you. Why not?

Because I'm his best mate. I'm his best mate.

I'm the one who said it was going to be weird without him. Neither of you are

having my bike. I'll need it for when I come back.

But if you get taken hostage and they shoot you, can I have the bite?

Everywhere I look, I see things I'll never, ever do again.

I'll never be late for school.

I'll never eat that detritus the canteen passes off as food. I'll never be late

for an English department meeting.

Departmental Library. Sorry I'm late.

Promise you won't happen again.

You little shit.

You heard that.

So, what's everyone doing tonight?

Probably have a couple of drinks.

Early night.

I'm knackered from last night. We've got all weekend to get paid. Oh, come on.

This is my last night.

Susan.

I've got time for a quick one.

Jenny, that's time you and me get to hang out together.

Reason enough to celebrate, I know.

Unfortunately, I've got to be anywhere else.

Bob, fuck you.

Honey, have a good one.

You're not throwing me a party, then?

No, fine, and Kurt promised not to.

That was me just being pissed.

Well, even if we wanted to, Claire wouldn't let us.

Room for one more if anyone wants a lift.

I think I'll hang around here for a bit.

We'll see you down there.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

I knew it.

You live.

I told you I didn't want one, you sad bastards.

I'm gonna miss you.

Let's go.

Don, I'm leaving, okay? Just for once, be completely honest with me. I won't

tell anyone.

Are you actually going to miss me?

You're an asshole.

This is definitely my last fag year.

That's the third time you've had that.

Oh, that's the thing, isn't it?

You change one thing, and even though it's just a...

small difference.

It affects everything. It affects your whole life. It changes everything.

The fact that I won't come in on Monday means I'll probably marry someone

completely different. I'll have different children, drink in a different

I'll miss you.

Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

Not even vaguely. Really?

I think sometimes doing the wrong thing is just as important as doing the right

thing.

So I'm doing the important thing.

That's good to know.

Maybe I should just tell Claire I want my job back.

Put it down to a minor breakdown, you know.

I was hungover, sugar levels were low.

Cat died.

You made the decision. There's no point in worrying about it.

You're right.

Worry instead about what's going to happen to you in South America.

Shit.

Oh, that was the worst that could happen.

Apart from being taken hostage.

At the very worst, you'll have a shit time. You'll be back in six weeks doing

exactly the same job in an identical school, only with a beard.

It's hardly the end of the world.

Put it that way, and I'm almost envious.

You could grow a beard.

Thanks.

Come with me.

I can't. Why not?

Because I'm practical, sensible, level -headed, and I've no desire to contract

dysentery. But apart from that... Give me a hug.

Do you have another one?