Original subtitles

Anne Widdicombe or Thora Heard?

No concept. Thora Heard.

She's got that great automatic bed.

All right, then. Anne Widdicombe or Mother Teresa?

What's he staring at?

Oh!

He's probably trying to work out which one you are, Bill or Ben.

Not worried he's going to beat you up, are you? At least you'd be picking on

someone his own size. I don't know what it is, but kids... Always stare at me.

Maybe they sense you're a teacher. Maybe they can't believe you're a teacher.

Now you know what it's like to have tits when you're around.

Brian, what are you doing?

You do know that if you cover up your eyes, people can still see you? Our kids

shouldn't be allowed in pubs. Why not? He's not doing you any harm.

Yes, he is. He keeps staring at me.

He's making me feel like I look weird or something.

And he's turned you into a retarded Marcel Marceau.

He's lowered the whole level of conversation.

I don't know.

I'd say peek -a -boo and working out the ugliest person would be prepared to

shag her pretty much on the same level. I hate to say it, but I agree with Kat.

That's not the place for kids.

Yeah, but the problem is, where do you draw the line?

Well, it doesn't bother me so long as they stomp up and stare round.

We were all children once.

Oh, you like kids, don't you? I like teaching them, but that's different.

I don't want to be surrounded by them wherever I go. You need to be able to

away from them sometimes.

It's a gold thing.

Oh,

it's a gold thing.

It's a gold thing.

She removed her name from the speed dialer screen.

And now you don't exist yet because it's a gold thing.

Good morning, everyone.

As you know, this morning, year nine tutor groups are going to be talking

contraception. However,

after speaking with Beverly Jarvis, I've decided that year 11 tutor groups

should go over the subject again, too.

Beverly definitely feels that she was under -informed about the risks of

pregnancy.

I've also persuaded her to give a lunchtime talk about her own experiences

the main hall, which I'd like all Year 11s to attend, along with their tutors.

You never know, it might be OK.

They've had an extra two years to find the clitoris, after all.

They're all like rabbits anyhow.

Maybe we should just get them to take it in turns to teach the class.

If anything's going to encourage you to use contraception, it's the room for the

kids. You should be so lucky.

Sorry, they'd run out of baby carrots.

What do you think you're doing? You're not getting one.

Year sevens aren't doing contraception.

And if I hear from Kayla that you've even mentioned anything that goes on

the waist...

I'll be down on you like a ton of bricks.

And that's about as shy as it is. So if none of you have any

questions, we'll move on to something more interesting. Yes,

Catherine? Why can't men sometimes get erections?

I'm sorry, I can't help you there.

You forgot one, sir. The best way not to get anyone pregnant is not to have sex.

I'm surprised you missed that one out, sir.

But for that to work, it helps if you're really short and ugly too.

The sheep was introduced to New Zealand by the Europeans.

What, that one?

No, obviously not this one.

Anyway, they introduced quite a few of them.

And they reproduced, and now there are 14 million of them.

How did they reproduce?

Well, in the same way all animals reproduce.

You know, a man sheep meets a lady sheep, and

they fall in love.

Yeah, but sex is crap if you're wearing a condom.

That's not entirely true, Josh, not if you're doing it right. And besides, can

anyone tell me the risks of not wearing a condom?

AIDS, venereal disease, pregnancy.

Not enjoying it so much.

You say that, Josh, but I think you also wouldn't enjoy it so much if you had

genital warts.

Michael, I still wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a coil and a

slinky.

I don't think they're taking a word of what I said.

No line?

Well, from what I saw, they might have found it a bit confusing.

Look at it this way. Perhaps we've done the world a favour by educating a

generation only to have sex with vegetables.

Kurt, what are you doing?

Oh,

you are disgusting.

Well, I wasn't looking at Beth.

I was just... Well, I think it's beautiful.

It's what women were designed for.

It's a perfectly natural bodily function. Exactly. So shouldn't she be

in the toilet?

No. This is the canteen. This is where people eat. Do you want to come with me?

Come on. We better not be late.

Can't we just kick it? I think that was enough to put me off having kids for

life. Not to mention white coffee.

You have to give birth to it.

Hey, get away from that. You're too young for that.

And if you can't get

it out yourself, then they cut you open with a scalpel and stitch you back

together again.

If you don't tear open, that is.

After that, you feel like every time you sneeze, your insides are going to drop

out.

But the worst thing is, you've got a baby that you've got to look after 24

-7. Your life is over.

So, if you want to have sex more than once in your life, use contraception.

I know why men sometimes can't get erections.

It's put me off sex for days.

No, it hasn't. It's put you off being sexually frustrated for days. You should

be grateful.

I don't know what your problem is, anyhow.

You're never going to have to give birth.

What happened to you? You all right?

Me? Me.

Can I have my baby back?

Yeah. Oh, no.

He's lovely.

He's lovely.

Yeah, he is, isn't he?

Didn't really mean all that stuff I said, you know.

What stuff?

OK, caesarean or natural childbirth?

Caesarean. They cut you open, they drop medical instruments inside you, you'll

be getting a full body search in airports for the rest of your life. I

care, Susan.

Caesarean or natural childbirth?

I don't mind.

No, no, no, it's the game.

What is?

What's the matter with you?

I want to have a baby.

What?

Can't he get the drinks in first?

Christ, what brought this up?

I don't know. One moment I was wondering if wrapping Bev's baby's head on the

back of the chair would stop it crying, and the next, I fell in love with it.

Didn't you see his tiny little hands?

Those are the tiny things on the end of his tiny little arms.

All I know is that holding Bev's baby made me realise that I want to have one

too. Well, I think it's a great idea.

But I thought you needed to escape from kids.

If you have your own, you'll never be able to escape.

They're worse than pot plants.

You'll go mad.

No, I won't.

Even if your own kids turn out to be Tory politicians, you'll still like

It's one of those inescapable facts of life, like being embarrassed by your

Yeah, but you've still got to find a man first.

I mean, that'll take...

I don't know how long that'll take.

I don't need a man.

All I need is the right genetic material.

You can't have a baby now. You're too young.

You heard Bev.

Have a baby and you're alive. So if you have a baby now, you'll never be able

to, I don't know, bungee jump.

I don't care.

Fucking hell, I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I want a baby.

I've thought of lots of other reasons.

I'm not having a baby yet.

You won't be able to go to the cinema ever again for a start. You won't be

to go to club.

You won't be able to go to the theatre.

You won't be able to go to the opera, if you wanted.

Simon, we don't do any of those things anyhow. We spend every night down the

getting pissed.

Yeah, well, you won't be able to do that either.

Well, maybe I can blackmail a couple of year sevens into taking it home with

them as a school project now and again.

Would that make me having a baby easier for you?

You are moving that. Oh, that's very sweet.

But there's no need to worry.

I'm sure I'll still be able to come to the pub and help you find where you left

your bike.

I'll go to the opera.

Oh, how sweet.

I'll moan the unbalance.

Is she still set on this baby thing?

She doesn't think she's too young.

No, I tried to tell her all the things she'd be missing out on.

Bungie jumping.

What she becomes to care about is her own happiness. Well, that's women for

You'd never get a man thinking like that.

So?

She's still on the hunt for genetic material, though.

What's up with them?

They're probably worried they might be losing their chief crisp purchaser.

I told them I wanted to have a baby.

I don't bet that put the wind up them. Wish I could have seen their faces.

No, I meant it.

Why does everyone do that? You don't even eat, Chris.

But the only thing babies are good for are making baby lotion, I thought, and I

quote. Well, I've had a change of heart.

Why? I mean, what happened?

I don't know. I suppose it's just one of those things that happens to women.

One moment you think babies are horrible pink grubs that cry and vomit the whole

time, and the next something happens, and you can't wait to have a pink grub

your own.

Couldn't you just make do with an ant farm?

Or a bowl of maggots.

Sorry, it's just a bit of a surprise, that's all.

What, and you think it's not a surprise to me?

So, have you thought about who's going to be the father of this baby?

God, no. I haven't worked things through that far yet.

I'm still struggling with the idea of being its mother.

Have you found a copy of those course notes yet?

I've only just got in.

Well, I did ask for them on Friday.

But if you get them to me by this afternoon, they'll be fine.

Well, if teaching doesn't work out for her, she can always get a job at Pronto

Print. I thought you didn't care what she did.

I don't, as long as she doesn't break the photocopier.

Well,

it looks like your worries are over.

Are you sure you don't just want a baby so you've got someone to do your

photocopying for you? Because I'm sure you could lure Carol away from Penny

a few dog tunes. No, it's too late for that. It's a classic case of imprinting.

Penny was the first person Carol set eyes on after Kurt dumped her. There's

breaking that bond.

Penny would have dropped dead tomorrow, muttly over there, would spend the rest

of her life growling on her grave phone.

Can I have a word?

In a way.

No.

Okay, go on then.

I'd like to be the father.

We wouldn't have to sleep together or anything.

Well, if you wanted to, we could.

Or I could just, you know.

Anne, I wouldn't want any rights.

Ryan. I'd just like to be able to play football with him every now and then and

take him to home games.

Ryan, I'm very flattered, of course, but it's not going to happen.

Not in a million years.

I'm sorry.

Can I ask you something?

I can see it on the edge.

I warned you.

What? Not to go there.

Where? Below the waist.

I didn't. That's not what Kayla says.

I was talking about the breeding of livestock. It's in the syllabus.

Oh, so it says in the syllabus that sheep only decide to have lambs once

in a tender, loving relationship?

No, of course not. I just thought... What did you think?

That the boy sheep had to ask permission from the shepherd to marry the girl

sheep?

No. And at the wedding, they all wear white.

And then they go on honeymoon to some really exotic corner of their field.

All

right.

Please, don't you have to father my child, please.

What are you talking about?

You didn't, did you?

Nor you as well. What happened to all that crap about being too young then,

about bungee jumping?

You were the one who brought up bungee jumping.

Anyhow, I've done bungee jumping.

It only lasts a few seconds and you feel sick afterwards.

Now, what does that remind me of?

I just reckon I'd be a good dad.

I think you would too.

Thanks.

Well, you can all forget about it. There is no way I'm even dipping my toe into

this school, stagnant gene pool.

When the time comes, there are three billion men out there to choose from,

let's face it, any one of them would be preferable to one of you lot.

Whoever you choose, you want to give them a thorough check first.

Ginger people dye their hair to lure the unsuspecting into their pajamas.

You probably want to find a man with small hips.

And big breasts.

What a pity you've ruled everyone at the school out. Sounds like Bob's your

dream man.

No, not Bob.

He's cancer.

It's a star sign.

Maybe find one of those men who's genetically incapable of growing facial

Claire wants to see you too.

What about, how should I know? Because you know everything.

Yes, but the only fun thing about knowing everything is scaring the people

don't know everything.

Ask God.

So, if you could have any one of those, which one would you have?

How about me?

Haven't you seen Alien?

Wayne? No, I'd have to think with President Rado, wouldn't I?

Ed Smith's a nice boy.

You must remember his dad.

He used to teach biology.

The Paul Newman look -alike.

He was clever, too.

So, what are you saying? Which one do you suggest I take my egg couple on? The

65 -year -old or the 14 -year -old?

I only mention it because Ed's older brother is joining the school tomorrow.

Thank you for your concern, Liz, but I'm not that desperate. I don't think I

have to resort to teaching school children.

No?

He's coming to work here.

He's 25.

His name is Errol.

I've had a letter from Josh Atkinson's mother.

She's worried about her son's academic progress.

What progress?

I think that's the point she's trying to make.

I'm sorry, but he's impossible to teach.

Jenny? I agree with Susan. He's a disruptive influence in all the classes

attends.

Well, have either of you got any suggestions about how we could bring him

little more into the fold?

OK, well, I'll try and stall his mother by sending her a copy of the new school

brochure. In the meantime, please try and think of something we can do to sort

him out.

How about Ritalin?

A couple of bottles should do it. Still, it's a blow to the gene theory.

Josh Atkinson's mother can write.

Yeah, she probably got her parole office to write it for her.

You know, JP's a python, don't you?

Well, you're a Taurus.

A Taurus and a python make the perfect pair.

And JP's gay, too.

Gay men make the best dads, but they can't have kids of their own.

Not even if one's a Taurus and the other one's a Libra.

Plus, JP's a really nice guy, which may make the baby a little less sarcastic.

Claire Short and Wayne's mother.

Oh, now you're asking.

I've got an even better one.

Ian Paisley and Michael Jackson.

Well?

Well, we're blokes. We wouldn't even know... I just closed my eyes and I saw

Paisley and Claire Short shagging on the front benches of the House of Commons.

Oh, Jesus.

Got Bob and Liz in the toilet.

Oh, please.

I just wondered if they had a kid.

They want to be breastfed by Penny.

Can you still breastfeed with a false touch?

Of course, just take their QHD.

Yeah, but it'd be too busy winding people up to eat.

Did anyone invite Penny to the pub?

Oh,

I've just got an even more frightening one.

Imagine Kurt and Carol having a kid.

Has anyone ever seen a razorhead?

I need a drink.

Anyone else want one?

Oh. Oh, don't worry. I'll go halves with you.

I had a dream about you last night.

Really? You sure it wasn't a nightmare?

I dreamt I had a baby that looked exactly like you. It was a nightmare.

Really?

Yes. What did she say to you?

What? Susan, when you offered to.

Oh, er... Not if I was the last man on earth.

Why, what did she say to you?

Not in a million years.

What?

You think she's just stalling for time?

You're so deluded.

At least if not if you're the last man on Earth. There's a possibility of sex

another planet.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

We'll... Fuck!

Jack Dean!

Thinking about your dream.

Yes. Well, if you want to, I'll do it.

You know, I'll be the father of your child.

I think that having a kid might help me get things in perspective, and if, when

I get things in perspective, I find I don't want one,

well, then I've done you a favour anyhow.

Well, today's the day.

Paul Newman Jr.

Day.

This is the morning when the bloke who looks like Paul Newman, who is going to

shag you and be the father of your child, is arriving at the school.

Morning, everyone.

There's just a couple of things I want to say this morning.

Firstly, I'd like to remind you all that trees on the school grounds are out of

bounds. The school insurance policy only covers injuries caused to children when

trees fall on top of them.

Secondly, I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to our new

technician, Errol Smith.

You knew, didn't you?

I know everything, me.

Maybe if he took his glasses off, he'd be really beautiful.

No, it looks like he wears them on doctor's orders.

He needs them to keep his eye then.

How could someone who looked like Paul Newman have a son who looks like that?

Are you sure it wasn't Gary Newman his father was supposed to look like? Fuck.

Just goes to show you, you can't rely on genes.

Just because someone's good -looking doesn't mean they won't have children

look like Kurt.

Just because someone's intelligent doesn't mean they won't have children

Brian. What's that supposed to mean? She's got a point.

Look how many ginger people there are, and ginger people never get laid.

What she means is that just because someone's a nun doesn't mean they won't

kids who are nymphomaniacs.

So what, it's just luck?

To start off with.

But then it's how someone's brought up that's the important thing.

Even if they're ginger.

What is it with you and ginger people?

I used to share a bathroom with one.

Big bolt.

Oh, what do you think about my offer?

I didn't want to, you know, say any more in front of anyone else.

What on earth makes you think I would want you to be the father of any kid of

mine? Well, your dream.

Well, I mean, I dreamt I had a baby that looked exactly like you.

Exactly, so that means you want to have my baby.

Or maybe, just maybe, it means I think of you as a big baby.

Oh, so I'll take that as a no, then. Take that as a never.

It just wouldn't work out if the father was someone from the school.

If they were my friends, I'd probably mess the friendship up, and if they

weren't my friends, then I'd probably have to try and be friends with them, in

which case, why weren't they my friends in the first place?

Anyhow, I've decided it doesn't really matter who the father is.

The important thing is how the baby's brought up, how it's nurtured, and that

will all be down to me.

I think a few of you might have got hold of the wrong end of the stick after the

other day's lesson.

Sheep don't really fall in love.

No.

Normally with sheep, one ram is used to inseminate hundreds of ewes.

There's no time to develop any kind of relationship.

He just gets in there and goes for it.

Josh?

Can I have a quick word?

I'm going to get a couple of temptations this time.

Don't worry, I'm not going to give you a temptation.

Miss Devill?

Miss Devill?

Can we have a word in private?

Penny?

Oh, hi.

I can't read these.

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like me to bring a large A3 for you?

No, they're too faint. Look at them.

Oh, don't worry. If you can't read them off, I'll copy them again for you.

Josh, I really want to try and help you, but you seem to have some sort of

problem with me.

Is everything all right at home?

The TV's on the blink.

I meant more, are you having problems with your parents?

No.

My mum's an alcoholic and my dad's in prison.

I hardly ever see either of them, which is fine by me.

Well, I'm very sorry to hear that. That must make your home life very difficult.

Yeah.

It is difficult.

But it's better than a skull.

Have you been encouraging Kayla to have catwalks then?

What? No.

What's this wham -bam -thank -you -ram supposed to mean?

You keep your sordid stories of animal orgies to yourself.

Of course, a nun couldn't really have children who were nymphomaniacs.

What?

Well, nuns don't have sex, so they can't have children.

And if a nun did have sex, well, if nuns never had sex, she'd be a nymphomaniac

anyhow in nun terms, if you know what I mean. So it'd be what you'd expect.

Sometimes I really wish I'd smoked.

Why?

Because then I could have a cigarette.

Liz is really winding me up. It's bad enough we're just Kayla, but the two of

them together.

Don't blame Kayla.

You were brought up by them. You'd have to learn to be a wind -up merchant

yourself just in order to survive.

It's a cross.

It's been passed on from generation to generation.

So you go along with this upbringing thing.

Don't tell me. You were brought up by the authors of the Kama Sutra.

What?

Well,

if it's all in the upbringing, it doesn't matter who the father is.

Could be anyone.

Okay, Claire.

Oh, Christ, I wonder why she'd be brought up by her.

She'd probably fire the kids away at night.

I wonder if she's got one of them cumming buzzers outside her lip.

I wonder if she's got one on her knickers.

What about Bob, would you tell me? No, that's not funny. Bob's got...

Oh,

no, not again.

She said it was how the kid was brought up that was the important thing. Well,

you did say that.

I also said I was never, ever going to sleep with anyone at this school about a

million times.

Yeah, well, anyhow, I've been thinking. I'm not sure I go along with this. It's

all about the way you've brought up things.

As you know, Ratboy isn't horrible as well as ugly.

I don't know, because like you, I haven't spoken to him yet. But his

a nice bloke, so I assume you brought him up to be a nice bloke, too.

Well, I don't like the look of him.

That's my point. You can't judge by appearances.

You can if you've got nothing else to go on.

If you think he's so great, why don't you go and talk to him?

OK, I will.

Maybe later.

Maybe later might be too late. Carol might have eaten them.

Carol, I was wondering if you could do these again for me, please.

What?

Afternoon. Sorry, I have to speak up.

She said she can't. She's really busy this afternoon.

Go on, please.

So, what's he say to you?

Walk off and die.

I'd rather have my eyes eaten out by rats.

You know, Penny thinks you and I should have a baby together.

Don't worry, that wasn't a proposition.

Although our star signs are ideally suited and you are gay and gay men love

children but apparently can't have them on their own.

Why do people like Penny assume that just because you're gay you love

Wouldn't it be more logical to assume that you became gay because you hate

children and you wouldn't want to have any of your own?

Wow, there goes Freudian analysis.

I like children, of course I like... What the fuck?

You little... Shit.

You were saying?

About liking children?

What?

She'd feel sorry for the poor kid. He doesn't have much of a home life.

His mum's a drunk and his dad's in prison.

Who knows, with an upbringing like his, we might all turn out to be little

shits.

Think she's made a mistake?

She's blown as a bus. Maybe she thinks it's Penny with piles.

No way.

She relies almost entirely on her sense of smell.

This isn't supposed to happen.

Imprinting's supposed to be for life, unless the object of your affection

rejects you.

Penny hates photocopying too much for that.

It's a miracle.

There.

Did you hear that?

What? She burned him.

Maybe it's time he gave sheep farming a new reel and the rest... There he is.

Now's your chance to make up for his awful upbringing.

Josh. Josh.

I meant what I said.

If you want to talk to someone about what's going on at home, you can always

talk to me.

Well, if you prefer to talk to a man, I'm sure Mr Keating would be very

to help you with any problems you might have.

You don't want to end up like your father, do you?

Or your mother. Put your bike in the back, please, Josh.

Josh!

Who are you?

I'm Susan Gateway, Josh's form tutor. Who are you?

Oh, I'm Anna, Josh's mother.

Oh, dear, what's he been telling you?

Nothing, it's just I was... Surprised to see you driving? What, with Josh

cycling? Well, have you seen him cycle?

Told him he can't anymore. He'll kill himself.

I got on his bike before I could stop him this morning.

Has he been behaving himself in class?

Well, oh, I knew I should have come in in person instead of just writing.

It's any consolation I have no control over him either.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Er, no, thanks. I can't stay.

Perhaps something a little stronger?

What?

No, thank you. What about his father?

What about him?

Well, what does he think about all this? Does he have any influence on Josh or

anything? He doesn't have a father.

Well, I mean, obviously he does. He's not an immaculate conception. But I

to have a child on my own.

In fact, his father's a teacher, which might just be part of the problem.

I must get back before he trashes the house. Can I come in and see you

next week?

Sure.

Don't worry. I'm not saying any of this is your fault.

Josh is just...

How he is.

I'm sure he'll grow out of it one day.

And if he doesn't, well, there's always death to look forward to.

Oh, God.

She looks like me. She talks like me. At least she hasn't got your drink

problem.

I am Josh's mother.

OK, fuck off and die.

Or... I'd rather have my eyes eaten out by rats.

What?

She's just found out she's Josh's mother.

I'd like looking at myself in the mirror with a really bad hangover.

If I had a kid, it would be exactly like Josh.

Yeah, but if you brought him up different, you could teach him all the

things you do, like take the piss out of him.

Oh, come on, everyone take the piss out of you. That's nothing human.

No, it doesn't matter how the fuck you bring them up. The whole thing's just

some giant game of pin the tail on the donkey.

Oh, well, never mind. It was a nice idea while it lasted, but I think you've

come to the right decision.

Let me buy you a drink.

I'm not saying I've changed my mind about having a kid.

I'm actually pretty good at pin the tail on the donkey.

The good end of the packet is cigarette.

Don't let you in there.

Channel 5.

I don't know.

No, of course not.

Well, do you know where he is?

I know he's not in here.

Have you seen Simon this morning?

No. I have to fit in for him again.

Have you seen Simon?

I have.

feeling this morning? Listen, Kurt, I am never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to

sleep with you.

Okay?

And that goes for you too.

Hello, Josh.

It was interesting meeting your mother yesterday.

Yeah, well, don't let her fool you. She's not drunk all the time. She goes

benders. Who can blame her?

Did she tell you that crap about my dad being a teacher?

No, but we're meeting up next week.

What are you going to say to her?

I don't know yet.

I was thinking of asking her whether your aggressive attitude in class might

due to your insecurities about your masculinity.

Don't worry about it. I'm sure I'll think of something.

And if I don't, I'll make something up.

Shouldn't you be in class?

If you're still in your own half, you can't be offside.

Any questions?

Yes, sir.

Ashley wants to know what the facts of life are.

You know what?

I'm not sure.

Sounds like you know, though.

Maybe you could let the rest of us in on the secret.

Have you been done?

No, I fucking haven't. And if you find him before I do, perhaps you can tell

from me. Shit, where the fuck is he, then?

Miss Gately?

Yes? I've been having a bit of trouble with our assignment.

Well, you should look at Skodak and Steele's study. Are you sure?

Yes. I just thought they'd been discredited. Well, they haven't. Well,

textbook it says they have. For God's sake, Catherine, do you have to question

everything I say?

Shit.

Catherine, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I've just got a lot on my mind at

moment. It's all right. No, it's not all right.

I shouldn't have... Don't worry about it.

I'd like to shout at Catherine.

Good on you.

She's got too much respect for authority, that girl.

You've seen the speed she can shoot her right arm up into the air. There's

definitely a touch of the Third Reich there.

But if I can't even keep my temper with the most mild -mannered girl in the

school, what kind of parent am I going to make?

What makes you think what kind of teacher you are? It's got anything to do

what kind of parent you'd make.

Look at Kurt. He's a good teacher.

Well, you could forget about the whole thing.

Statistically, people are far happier if they don't have kids.

Have you been talking to Simon?

No. Shit, has anyone seen Simon this morning?

What's the matter?

I saw a really horrible bike accident on the way in today.

It can't have been Simon.

He pretends he cycles on the pavement because he's a rebel, but really, he's

scared of the traffic.

Of course, he might have had a collision with one of those tartan shopping bags

on wheels.

Those old ladies could really cut you up sometimes.

Don't worry, if it was him, we would have heard already.

No, he doesn't like to carry anything with him that indicates he might be a

teacher. Thinks it might affect his pulling power.

I'm going to try his mobile again.

You'll be wasting your time. He doesn't know how it works yet.

Thinks it's a Game Boy that rings.

Penny, aren't you supposed to have a mobile?

Yeah, carry on.

Are you waiting to phone me?

Yes, I am. Great.

No, you haven't gone and met one of them.

Where the hell have you been?

I had to go to the dentist. There was an emergency.

Bollocks, it was.

Come on, you're pregnant with a baby. I don't care.

You could have at least phoned in.

I did. Well, I was going to. You've been worried sick.

I don't understand what you're getting so worked up about. I was the one who

the healing. I just think you could have told me. That's all. Why? What's going

on for you?

Next time you do, that's going straight in the bin.

Are you sure you should be thinking about having a baby?

I'm not thinking about having a baby.

What do you mean?

I mean, I thought about having a baby, and I decided not to for the moment.

Really? Why?

Well, I've never done it to you, Tom.

Stop.

What are you smiling at? Nothing. It's just that Kayla's been straightening me

out about the facts of life.

What did you tell him?

Nothing. What you told me.

We'll talk about this at home.

What was that all about?

You're too young.

I'm going to the pub now, if that's all right with you.

Have you finished your homework?

Yes, and I've been to the loo, so we won't need to stop in a lay -by on the

there.

You coming?

Ah, if you twist my arm.

Hey, wait for me. I don't want you accepting any drinks from strangers.

It's not just the bungee jumping, is it? I think we've missed your calling. You

should have been a psychiatrist.

Come on, you can tell me.

I just thought if I got so fucking worked up worrying that a waste of space

you would be run over just because you were late for school.

Imagine what a state I'd be in if I was waiting for someone I really cared

about. Stop it!

Stop it!

Besides,

I think I've got enough children to worry about, as it is.

We're still waiting.

Your answer?

Me? Simon O 'Brien.

None of you?

But the survival of the human race depends on it. We're the last three men

Earth. Well, mankind's doomed anyhow then, isn't it?

The apes will take over. Careful, Brian, you'll knock yourself out of a shag.

Oh, shit, nine o 'clock.

To his left, Ratboy and Carol. They've been here all night.

Poor bastard.

Have you seen those documentaries on spiders?

Fucking hell, I hope they're going to be cut.

Talking of which, what's your answer, Miko or Brian?

I've told you, I've gone off the idea of having kids.

What?

Since when?

Why? Why do you think?

You can't drink and smoke when you're pregnant, you know.

Besides, I've been thinking of moving in next door to a nuclear power station.

The property prices are really cheap around there. Come on, you're trying to

avoid the question. You've got to choose one of us.

Or what?

Or we'll take it in turns.

The human race has to survive somehow.

You know, I had a dream about you three.

Did it involve sex?

In a way.

What were you doing?

Oh, I wasn't in it.

Maybe.