All language subtitles for Teachers s02e03

In a double bed, silk sheets, candles,
champagne, soft music with Claire.

What?

Or on the floor of the staff toilet with
Penny.

Penny. Except for Claire on the floor of
the staff toilet right now.

I'm off.

Nine weeks.

Nine fucking weeks since I last had a
shack. Unbelievable.

You know, anyone fancy a drink?

I'm okay.

I'm fine.

I've got to get some sleep.

I've got children.

Hi.

Can I ask a favour?

Sure. Can I stay at your place tonight?

I'm really sorry, but the family I'm
lodging with are... It's a long story.

Basically, I've got to find somewhere
else to stay. We're full on.

Try and help me, mate.

There's a floor.

There's a floor?

In the living room.

My room. You can't do that.

Why not?

I might.

Meet someone later.

She might want to, you know, sleep with
me.

Morning.

We'll be right back.

Well, the moon sex that would lift you
is confusing personally if you're

particularly without your financial
obligations.

You're Taurus, yeah?

The sun influencing your sign to an even
higher degree. Hang on.

I want to hear mine.

What for?

It might be something, innit?

Can you tell us whether Diamond's going
to have sex before Christmas?

We all know the answer to that one.

Fuck off.

How long's it been?

Is that any of your business?

Nine weeks.

Except you multiply that by seven.

What? It's like doggies.

So, that means you've been celibate for
the equivalent of... 63 weeks.

What? You mean no sex?

Since Jenny.

She was the last person you shagged.
Does it really matter?

Talk to you. Nothing since Jenny.

Now, why do we keep running out of
tissues?

Didn't you give Maggie one before you
dumped her?

No. Frat.

You know, maybe this is the curse of
Jenny. Maybe every bloke she sleeps with

never has sex ever again.

Aye, I've had plenty of sex since Jenny.
Sex with yourself doesn't count.

Morning, everyone.

Just a reminder that it's Uniform and
Facial Hair Week.

I'd only see any students wearing non
-regulation clothing or footwear.

Please confiscate offending items and
bring them to my office.

Carol will show you where to put them.

Moustaches and beards must be shaved
off.

And I'll want students who flout the
rules to be sent home to get rid of

Sideburns?

I leave to your discretion. Thank you.

You know, I've never really looked at
Claire's arse before.

Oh, shit. I've got to find someone to
show you.

Lee.

Martin.

Robin. Anna.

Brandon? Yeah.

What's that?

You tell me, sir.

It's a moustache.

Well done.

You're not allowed.

Is that why you haven't got one, sir?

I could grow a moustache.

Okay, the crucible.

Let's start at the beginning.

Is there any sex in it, sir?

Is that important, Michelle?

It's what you're normally going on
about.

That's... That's not true.

Yes, it is. Well, not today. Today we're
going to talk about what?

Sit down.

That can't be right.

It's the fire alarm, sir.

There's supposed to be a drill this
morning.

We ought to evacuate the building, sir.

I know.

I know.

Where do we go?

Okay, come on. Quickly.

Move along.

You've seen me with a moustache, haven't
you?

Well, I've seen you with some fluffy
stuff around your chin, if that's what

mean. On holiday, I didn't shave for a
wink, remember?

No. I grew a moustache and a beard.

You're going to keep a little goatee,
but you said it didn't suit me.

You sure?

I thought it looked really good.

Goatee? No one looks good with a goatee.

Well, that's what you said. That's why I
shaved it off.

I don't remember any of that. I must
have been pissed.

For a whole week?

Yeah.

Zero elevens round the back.

You should know that, Simon. I do, I was
just... Oh, and Kimberley Sutton is

three to one. Sorry?

Kurt's taking bets as to who's starting
the fires.

Kimberley's a firm favourite.

Three to one?

Taylor... Kimberley.

Okay.

Kimberly, do you know who I am?

My name's Alec, and I'm here to try and
help you.

I'm what we call an educational
psychologist.

All that means is you can talk to me
about anything you like, and I'll listen

very carefully.

So, let's make a start, shall we?

You were happy at your previous school.

No problems there?

So what's changed?

Mr Stedman tells me you're always
getting into trouble these days.

I didn't say that exactly.

This is pathetic.

Pathetic?

What? Jenny.

Oh, hi.

Alec. Alec.

What?

What kind of noise?

I can't do it.

Was it like... A sort of moaning to
begin with, like it was

uncomfortable.

Just do it now, quietly.

It was... I really

can't. Anyway, you must have heard it
yourself. I'd have thought you'd

every detail of the last show you had.

Well, there was plenty of noise, lots of
action, all sorts of groaning and

stuff.

Groaning? Hmm.

You really must know how to satisfy one.

Jimmy seemed happy.

He was a bloke. Was it a bloke?

Founded like a bloke. Not that he said
much. Anyone we know?

Didn't seem.

Well, didn't you have...

Stick your head round the door.

Hmm.

What do you think?

About what?

My moustache.

Can you tell I haven't shaved this
morning?

No. You didn't look.

Oh, baby, I feel so down.

Oh, it's not my fault when I feel that
down.

So why I turn around?

Oh, baby, I don't care no more.

Fiverr says it's the piano tuner. Who?

I saw Jenny talking to the bloke who
tunes the piano last week.

I bet that's who she's shagging.

He's blind or deaf or something.

If he can't hear, how does he tune a
piano?

Blind then.

Maybe that's why he's so good in bed.

Maybe because he's good in bed. I think
I can vouch for that.

Isn't that what happens when you lose a
sense? Your other senses get a lot

better to compensate.

I don't think that applies to sexual
technique.

Might do.

Your eyesight and your knob are
definitely connected.

Do explain.

Blanking makes you blind. That's true.

Simon, how many...

Fingers are my holding up.

Fuck off.

Can I ask you something? There is
nothing I can say that's going to help

grow a moustache.

Cheers.

Have I missed something funny?

Simon was telling this joke.

It's fucking hilarious.

He's over there now.

Then I'll stay here.

Me too.

Oh, just ignore them.

You don't think I'd try?

Go and find a girl.

Talk to her.

Shag her.

What? Like that?

Yeah.

Okay, I'm a woman, you're a man. We've
just met in the bar.

What do you think?

Excuse me, I was just wondering if you'd
like to have a drink with me.

No. Why not?

That excuse me was keeping creeping.

Hi.

Too cocky.

I don't suppose... Too nervous.

Get your coat, you fool.

Yeah, that's perfect.

What's happened to me?

Curse of Jenny?

Yeah. Could be.

She's humping away every night and I'm
in fucking shite. Give it time.

You just need to sort out some opening
lines.

And some follow -up.

Then how are you going to take it from
there?

I'm never going to have sex again, am I?
You might.

The what?

I want it more than that.

More than one person's going to fall for
your scabby old chat -up line.

This is possible.

So what the fuck do I do then?

I don't know.

Look, let's say you do find some poor
girl stupid enough or drunk enough

to get into bed with you.

Yeah. Don't let her go.

How do you mean?

Well, she's fallen for it once. There's
a fair chance she'll fall for it again.

What, like a girlfriend?

That one.

Girlfriend? You know, that's not such a
bad idea.

Even if I did, Paul, where am I going to
take a girl?

Back to the Bates Motel.

I thought you liked living with Brian
and Kurt.

Yeah, I did.

What are you going to do about it?

Move out, I guess.

And live where?

I don't know. By yourself?

Maybe. Or with your girlfriend?

You don't fancy sharing with me, do you?

Susan?

Is that a no?

I don't think they'll talk about us when
we start sharing.

That's not going to happen.

Not me and you together. I mean, if you
kept a girlfriend, were they going to

discuss it as much as Jenny and whoever?

Yeah, if I get a girlfriend, it might be
a topic of conversation.

Yeah, and if I get a boyfriend, they'll
be trying to guess who he is, won't

they?

Unless it's one of them.

What?

Especially if it's one of them.

Which one would it be?

Go on.

If you had to shag one of them last
night, which one would you go for? If I

to... Oh, God. What?

It's like they're playing one of their
games.

What's turning into them?

I didn't know you were here.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone...
Sorry.

I better...

I'll live with you.

What?

I'll move out of Jenny's and I'll share
a flat with you.

But there are rules.

One, no talking before or during
breakfast.

Two, no talking about work.

Three, no talking if I don't want to
talk.

Four, if you get on my nerves, you have
to sit quietly in another room until I

tell you it's OK to come out.

All right?

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Good.

Just to let you know, the person Jenny
is...

Alex.

The head site?

I've only been here a couple of days.

They met a while ago, some residential
court in Snowdonia.

The words you're looking for are, thank
you.

Fucking hell!

Would you say he was good -looking?

Yeah. Why?

I wouldn't have thought he was Jenny's
type.

Who says she's got a type?

Everyone's got a type.

What's yours?

Female with a puff?

Here's one. Two -bedroom living room,
kitchen, diner. How big's the living

Hey. We'll need one of these 15 foot by
12.

Well,

you can't share a room any smaller.

Shares who?

I tried it.

Doesn't work.

Okay, line up now!

I thought you were going to shave that
off.

And I thought you were going to grow
one.

Oh, hang on.

Coming along very nicely, sir.

I'm joking.

It's Alex, isn't it?

Yes.

I was just wondering... I think I need
some help.

Me?

When I was their age, I was too scared
of my teachers to say a word.

Now he's arrived.

They all laugh at me. At you or with
you?

At me.

Definitely.

It's all down to Brandon.

What's he done?

He... pretended he couldn't see my
moustache.

Is Brandon the only disruptive student?

He's the worst.

If he was in hospital ill, that'd be all
right.

If he was off school for a while.

You'd like him to be in hospital?

Is that too much?

Well, I think you might have blown this
out of proportion just a tiny bit.

Okay.

Armchair number one.

Here. At right angles to armchair number
two.

Not too close.

Not too far away.

You can pass the packet of crisps
without getting off.

Okay. This is the sofa.

Big thing.

Armchair.

One.

Again.

Not too close, not too far away.

Right. Do you think I should ride above
Brandon?

Physically. See, Alex thinks I'm
obsessing.

We got talking.

When? This morning. He made a lot of
sense and good suggestions.

Is that a chance?

Avoid confrontation.

Seems to me you should show Brandon
who's boss.

Really?

I'll double -check with Alan, see what
he thinks.

Just a moment, Ricky.

Did you look in the mirror this morning?

Yes. Good. Then you must have caught
sight of a bumper hanging around your

lip. Some people might think it's a sign
of maturity.

You and I both know.

It just makes you look back at the past.

I'm not being funny in this, but you've
got a bit of a tash yourself.

So, you're going to live with Susan?

Yeah.

Like a couple? No.

Then you'll see her naked.

No. You might. That's not what I'm doing
here.

Don't you fancy it?

I don't know.

Why not?

She's a woman. She's Susan.

Make a lot of sense if you did.

She'd be right there in your flat. You
could try and shag her.

You are desperate.

That's true.

And she's pretty fit.

Even if you don't fancy her, you could
still try and shag her. I would.

I wouldn't even have to chat her up. No
need for that.

Maybe I could make myself fancy her.

If I made an effort.

Do you think I've got a moustache?

Two bedrooms, living room, kitchen, use
of communal gut.

You can see it, can't you?

What's wrong?

You know, in this light from here, you
don't look too bad.

I'm sorry.

I mean, you're not bone -intracted.

Objectively, you've got all the bits in
the right place in your face. Well, it's

okay, isn't it?

Is it? Shiny hair.

Nose not too big.

Lips under the nose. And your eyes.

A bit bloodshot, maybe, but nothing an
early night couldn't fix.

Finished?

How about this flat? Should we take a
look? You should wear skirts more often.

They suit you. My mum thinks she should
have given Kimberley an individual

action plan.

Oh, really?

She thinks the system's let her down.
She thinks you've let her down.

I don't care what your mum thinks about
anything.

Good afternoon, Mr Stedman.

It'd be tricky enough if she was just
another student with her mum working

Sorry, who are we talking about?

Taylor? I haven't really got time for
this.

You found time for Kurt?

Kurt's got issues.

I've got issues.

Well, one issue. Kayla.

Twelve -year -old girl?

She might be twelve on paper.

It's like she's twenty -five in real
life.

Why twenty -five?

It's a bigger number than twelve.

So why pick on that age?

It's just a random number. The point is,
Kayla's a little better than she's

doing my editing. No.

The point is, she's a little schoolgirl
and you're a grown -up teacher,

supposedly.

Why doesn't he talk to me?

I think he wants professional help. What
am I?

A teacher.

I'm going to bleach it. Are you trying
to give me a complex?

No, I was just thinking.

About?

Whether I want a biscuit or not.

You will let me know, won't you?

Are you sure they haven't shagged
before?

He says they didn't.

Went to college together.

Maybe they had a go, but it didn't work
out.

Well, why not?

Maybe she's deformed.

Maybe she's got a third nipple.

A big fucking purple nodule right in the
middle of her chest.

Simon couldn't even bring himself to
look at it, let alone touch it.

That's possible.

Why don't you ask him? No, he's probably
spent years trying to block it out.

Have you tried getting drunk with her?

What do you think I do down the pub
every night?

No, I mean just the two of you across
the table somewhere dark.

You drink lots of wine and then you
stick your face close to her.

She goes all blurry and your mind starts
playing tricks before you know it. You

think she's the most beautiful woman in
the world.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

You won't even remember about her
deformities.

She's got me.

Works every time.

That sounds good.

Simon? Simon?

I found one.

Ten minutes from school, big garden, not
too expensive. What do you think?

What do you think?

Abbott, the living room.

What, sir?

Can I come by and see yours for a bit?

What for?

I, uh, thought it might be nice to have
a chat.

Chat? About what?

Oh, I get it. You think Alex is going to
be there. Eh?

Don't say the innocent.

You want to hear them shagging.

You want to hear Jenny make her noise.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Me?

You're the one who listens every night.

I don't go around trying to impersonate
Jenny. Oh, come on. I want to stay for

long. No. Half an hour. No.

Ten minutes.

10 minutes.

No.

Could you stay at the bay, please, shall
I?

Game world.

Fucking hell.

I can look at her and I can

see she's beautiful.

Objectively, there's no doubt about it.
She's gorgeous.

So how come I don't fancy her?

You tell me.

Well, I can't. I know that's why I'm
asking you.

You're asking me what, exactly?

Why can't I fancy Susan?

I want to... want... To be honest, I
don't actually think you've got a

problem. But I just told you I can't...
I think myself fancy Susan. Yeah, you've

said that several times.

But how is that a problem?

Susan's not your wife or even your
lover. She's just a friend.

Do you think you should fancy all your
friends?

Do you think there's something wrong
with you because you're not physically

aroused by someone with whom you enjoy a
purely platonic relationship?

You just don't get it, do you?

I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to
move out.

Oh.

I'm moving in with Simon, and yes... I
know what I'm doing, and no, I can't

think of anyone else to share with. How
sad am I?

Well, don't be silly. I'm sure it'll be
an experience.

Thanks for letting me stay.

Oh, I enjoyed it. So did I.

But it wasn't supposed to be temporary,
wasn't it?

I guess so.

Um... Well, no. It doesn't matter.

What doesn't matter?

Tithing. Not important.

What?

Are you sure that's me?

Not some wild animal that's dying in
pain or something?

That's you.

Believe me.

I told Jenny.

She took it pretty well.

Oh, and I've leaked my tash. Look.

Are you OK?

Tell me.

I think I rode my bike a bit fast.

Three hours ago.

I'm out of condition.

That doesn't explain your behaviour,
which is strange, even for you.

I'm excited.

Sorry? I'm excited by the progress I'm
making with my year

11s.

Very strange.

I am innocent to a witch. I know not
what a witch is.

How do you know, then, that you are not
a witch?

Is she a witch or not?

Hands off all those who think she is. We
haven't heard the evidence yet.

Exactly. So let's focus on the
atmosphere in Salem at the start of Act

There's a witch hunt in progress.

What's the big question?

Everyone has to answer the big question.

Do you now or have you ever fancied
Susan Gately?

It's a simple question, Mr. Casey.

Yes or no, please. Yes or no.

Yes!

Did you?

No, no. Me neither. Can I keep that?

No. Nothing like it.

What are you doing tonight?

Pub, I guess.

Unless I can think of... No, pub.

How about a meal?

Somewhere. Just the two of us.

You haven't changed your mind about the
flat? No, God, no.

Then what?

I... I just... I just want to ask you
something.

What are you up to? Nothing.

I can always tell when you're lying.

Please, just come out with me. I'll pay.

For yourself?

Both of us.

What? Whatever you want from me, you're
not going to get it.

But as long as we're clear about that,
fine.

Rubbish.

It's... What's wrong with you?

Did you... You have the fish cakes?

No. Well, he did.

Who's better, me or Brian?

What's that supposed to be?

Jenny. How's nothing like it?

Will you try?

No, no. I've got so much to think about.

I really fancy Susan.

Since when?

This morning. I was standing really
close to her and suddenly I felt... Her

arse?

Excited.

She's lovely.

I can't believe I never saw her before.
She'd just be my perfect girlfriend.

No. What?

No, he wasn't talking about you.

Chatting up practice, isn't it?

What? This evening.

That's new lines and you want to try
them out on me, yeah?

Maybe. Oh, good. I can hardly wait.

I think you're gorgeous.

They're way too slimy.

Hi. Hi.

I don't know where you've been to see
him.

Oh, I just got... There was this problem
he said he was in.

I cannot.

Alec talks a lot of sense.

And I don't.

He's a professional psychologist.

I teach psychology.

I teach gym. He made me a gymnast.

I hope you're not.

Friends like you? What do you mean?

Friends like you?

I only talked to Alec because it was
something I couldn't talk to you about.

Oh, yeah?

What?

I just said I can't talk to you.

Fine. Keep it to yourself.

I don't want to keep it to myself.

Sorry, Susan.

Forget it.

I didn't think you'd want to hear me
banging on about Kayla. She doesn't.

I know she's just a kid and...

I shouldn't let it get to me.

I only talked to Alec because I thought
you'd laugh at me.

But Alec didn't. No, he did.

Can I have, er... Port Lovehouse Red?

Cheers.

Could you imagine them doing it?

Simon and Sue.

Yeah.

Susan on top.

She's got a tub of ice cream, chocolate
chip.

She's tipping it. Stop it.

It's like thinking of your mum and dad
having a shag.

Has she got blonde hair, your mum?

Yeah, why?

Trying to picture her.

Stop it.

Does it?

Thanks.

I

could

have done this at the pub.

With Brian and Kurt listening?

You've hardly said a thing.

I'm building up. Correct, creating the
right atmosphere.

The right atmosphere?

For what, exactly?

I can't believe I've never... I haven't
really noticed how pretty,

beautiful you are.

I think you really are really very...
..special.

Pitiful. Please, Susan, let me finish.

I know in the past, up to now, we've
always been mates, but... ..I want that

change. I want us to be something
more... ..different.

I really, really fancy you.

What the fuck are you doing? I'm kissing
you.

Why? Because it makes sense. You and me
were made for each other.

Plus, I just said I fancy you.

That was for real?

Yeah.

Boy, is that so bad?

Yeah, it fucking well is.

Why? Because we're friends.

Friends do not suddenly get off with
each other. They do. It happens all the

time. Not to you and me.

Well, give me one good reason why not.
Because I don't fancy you.

Don't you?

No. Why not?

I just don't.

But I'm good looking, aren't I?

I suppose so, in a boyish, obvious way.
Obvious? What the fuck does that mean?

I am not having this conversation.

We've got to sort this out. Okay, right
here, now, tonight.

You don't happen to find me attractive.
I do not fancy you.

You might, one day.

I never thought I'd want to shag you,
but it works on it.

Made a big effort to see you in a new
light and it worked.

This morning, when I was looking at your
lips... Stop it, you're scaring me now.

Why?

Because you're not Simon.

I am.

Oh, shit.

I'm going the way I expected.

If I'd eased my way in, maybe given you
a bit more warning. I'm not sure any

amount of warning could have prepared me
for this.

I've really fucked things up.

It could be better.

I wish this evening hadn't happened.

Well, let's just decide I didn't.

Let's try and forget the whole thing.

We can still live with each other, can't
we?

Are you trying to be funny?

That was quick.

I'm hungry.

Alec, could you do me a favour?

If it's about the noise... No, no.

It's about me moving out.

Could you tell Jenny I'd like to stay?

If that's OK with her.

And if you stop walking around in the
nude all the time.

Oh, and Alec...

Brian and Kurt have always come to me
for advice in the past.

I like to think I've helped them fuck up
almost every part of their sad little

lives. If you want them back, you're
more than welcome.

Thanks.

But... You can talk to Simon.

Naked, if you like.

Tell him to be a bit more normal.

I like him when he's normal.

Okay?

What did he do?

The usual.

Tried to get off with me.

Told me he fancied me.

All that boring stuff.

And you told him... To leave me alone.

So have you really never thought that
you and Simon might be good together?

I can't believe you, of all people,
saying that.

I mean, don't just turn him down because
you think I might laugh in your face.

Actually, on second thought, maybe I
would be better off living with Simon.

Susan

doesn't

want to share a flat with me anymore, so
I'm staying here.

You can't. JP's moving in.

When? Tomorrow.

It's a month or so until we find
somewhere else.

Did I wake you?

Yeah.

Can I come in?

No.

I'm sorry.

You should be.

Well I am.

Forget what I said, just come and live
with me.

You're hopeless.

That's why you love me.

Go away.

Secretly, you do, don't you? Yes, Simon,
I secretly love every psychotic man

I've ever met.

Including me.

I'm not going to live with you.

If I promised never to mention tonight
ever again, ever, ever, ever again,

you change your mind?

No. We'd have a laugh.

No, Simon, we would have had a laugh if
you hadn't gone mental.

There's no way I could live with you.

I'd be checking my bedroom doors locked
all the time and you'd be drilling holes

in the bathroom wall.

I wouldn't.

Not just the one, maybe.

Are we friends again?

If you stay at least five feet away from
me at all times, get me a coffee first

thing every morning and two pints every
night.

Perhaps.

And no chance of a shag then?

Good night, Simon.