All language subtitles for Teachers s02e02

Top five female singers in order of
shaggability.

Are we talking current or in their
prime?

Oh, in their prime.

Baby Irish has got to be up there.
Madonna, no question.

Celine. I don't want to work out the top
five shaggable men in the world ever.

It's impossible.

You choose a category.

What about the top five members of
staff?

You can't get much narrower than that.
Modesty prevents me from entering,

obviously. Top five, not top 55.

Top literates. What a surprise.

She's not emotionally stable enough for
your cure.

Oh, fuck off.

Check out his mobile.

Yeah.

12 text messages. 43 the other evening.

Why? Why?

Why? Why?

Why? Sounds like she wants to know why.

Poor Carol.

What about me? I need help here.

If she's still chasing after you, I'd
say she needs the help.

If you were shagging someone else, you'd
know there wasn't a chance, wouldn't

you? How's he going to manage that?

That's a good point.

What about if you set up Carol with
someone and then she'd get over it?

Well, we'd need a really hopeless case.
How about Simon?

What about JP?

He thought he was desperate enough to go
out with you.

JP and Carol, I don't think so.

But you think me and Carol's all right?

He'd definitely be in my top five staff
members.

Why? Let me think. He's good -looking,
intelligent, charming. He's okay in a

handsome, great, fun, cliché kind of
way.

You don't find him a little bit
irritating?

No. Why, do you? No.

Just threw it in there as a question.

See you there.

How many's that?

Six so far.

I just don't understand all the fucking
hysteria around the bloke.

Who's getting hysterical?

Well, you.

It's only not your back.

It was just a passing thing.

Look at that. See?

What about that lab assistant, Tricia?

The one who smells herself up.

Occupational hazard.

You know, you don't actually need to go
out with someone. You just need to look

like you're going out with someone.

Boy, every time Carol's around, she sees
you with someone else.

Laughing, chatting, talking.

Eventually she'll put one and one
together and... That is genius.

Penny's got no idea what a sad little
perv you are.

Therefore, she's probably the only woman
in the room who wouldn't run a mile if

you stood next to her for more than 30
seconds.

Perfect.

Sit.

These are the amended schedules and
timetables, as promised.

Sorry they're late.

Please get to know them.

Pupils wandering the corridors,
gormlessly searching for classrooms we

with, but I'd like to avoid staff
members doing the same.

I'm also starting gate monitors for the
beginning and end of school.

Liz has very kindly drawn up a rota, and
this week's lucky winners are Mr

McKenna and Mr Keating.

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do it tonight,
Claire.

I'm expecting a delivery of videos for
the languages lab.

I don't want the valuable resources of
the school sitting around unattended.

Fine.

Referring down to the reserve.

Simon. I've got stuff on today too.

What, at the end of school?

Could be.

Put down, Mr Casey.

Any more questions?

Yes,

Mr McKenna.

You wanted to say something?

Uh, no.

Just, uh, looking forward to monitoring
the gate.

Thank you, everyone.

How the hell did JP get out of the
monastery?

He doesn't play with his charm.

We can all be charming.

Go on, then.

It's not something you can just turn on.

I thought that was exactly what it was.

Problem? No, I just... Keen as I am to
be seen as a

responsible and reliable member of
staff.

Your point?

I was wondering if I might be excused
monitoring today.

Why?

I had planned to talk to a couple of my
year 11 straight after school about

their projected grades.

Talk to them tomorrow.

Look, I'm not feeling 100%, to be
honest. The touch of the stomach

I'd really appreciate... You're not
still pulling that one, are you?

What? The tropical disease I picked up
in Malaysia routine.

That was doing all right until then,
yeah.

Constant reinvention is the key to a
successful disguise.

Ask your pupil.

Um, Marisol Neal.

No, I'd sooner have a pink rose.

Why? Because you are like a pink rose
cos of Sicily.

What's missing here?

Brandon sounds bored.

He should be more... Charming? Yeah.

Okay, and what is charm?

Being nice to someone, making them feel
good and special.

Well, isn't it really being nice to get
what you want?

I suppose.

And what does he want?

Her. So he's using it to get into a
knickers.

And what does that tell you about charm?

The way of getting what you want.

That it's essentially fake.

Why does it work?

It works because people are suckers for
being told how great they are.

What the hell's going on out here? I'm
sorry, Mr Casey. We were trying to tell

jokes in French and we got a little bit
carried away. I'm sorry. It was just...

No, no, we were being disruptive.

Why can't you lot be more like Mr
Casey's class?

See how quiet they are? They were loud
earlier.

Sorry.

Don't worry about it.

You want to go through?

Sorry.

Right.

Where were we?

Charm works because people are suckers.

Got to get Carol and Penny in the same
room.

And then make you look like Penny's
interested in you.

Not too difficult.

Men have walks on the moon.

Pat it, you big twat!

Hey.

Imagine the look on my friends' faces if
I turned up at the pub with her on me,

huh? I am your friend.

You'd be surprised, wouldn't you?

You'd be fucking amazed.

But you wouldn't ask her out, would you?
Seriously.

No. I wouldn't go for Penny under normal
circumstances, either.

Lovely girl, but it'd get too
complicated.

Exactly.

Better keep it all on a professional
standing.

That way you avoid hurting anyone.

And making a tit of yourself.

Hey!

Where are you going?

Office.

It's something I'm eating.

Talk about Penny again.

Why? Just talk about her again.

Lovely tits.

Now something else?

Apparently we're raps, aren't we?

You only hiccup when it's to do with
her.

Bollocks. Must be some kind of stress
-related reflex.

Maybe that kebab I finished for
breakfast.

Stop thinking about her. How's it going?

Great.

If you look for her tonight, I'm going
to this new bar that's open.

Always ready to broaden our horizons.

You've had a lot of experience with
females, haven't you?

Are you going to ask me for advice about
women?

We need help.

Well, I may not be the authority you
think I am, but you've got to be better

than us.

You coming for a drink?

Sorry. You're talking to me?

Only we thought we'd try something
different.

Who's we?

J .P.'s just a man.

You sure I won't be in the way? I mean,
if you're going to beg him for a second

chance. Shut up.

How's that going to work?

That's what I said.

You see, there's nothing to do with
this. Don't sneak around like a couple

idiots. Talk to Penny direct.

What are they talking about?

halfway through my lip -reading course.

Who's on for tonight?

Simon?

Hands up! All those who remember me
suggesting going to another pub last

But you suggested a shit -up. This place
is supposed to be all right. I think

I'll just go down the pub. Why?

Because I like the pub.

Let's go to the pub, then.

You don't have to go just because I'm
going. Yeah, I like the pub too.

You don't have to like it.

I know.

As long as we're clear on that.

That's better than... They're all going
to the pub now.

Looks like it.

What if I was looking forward to a night
away from you lot?

Another

day

ends and the pub beckons.

Actually, I think I might give it a miss
tonight.

It's a bit of a turnaround, isn't it?

From social secretary to anti -social
secretary.

I just decided to have a night on my
own.

I thought it was women who are supposed
to have the mood swings who are starting

to sound just like Simon.

Is he all right?

Are you talking physically or
psychologically?

He was pissed off about something.

No, he's always pissed off.

Did I have to do something to wind him
up?

Being a...

Likeable, entertaining, half -decent
human being who gets on with his friends

could have something to do with it.

Plus the fact that most of the women in
the school fancy you.

You think it'd make a difference if he
knew I was gay?

You're male and under 25. It's enough to
get him looking over his shoulder.

Don't worry about it.

It's fun watching him run around like a
mental case trying to read you and

getting it so badly wrong.

Excellent.

Quiz night here on Wednesday.

Really?

Make a note in your diary.

OK, top five world leaders' wives.

Hillary Clinton.

Mrs Gorbachev.

Imelda Markoff. Is this what you always
do?

No. Yes, it is.

It's only the categories that change.

I can't take any more stimulation. I'm
heading home.

Thank you for the uncanny recreation of
my Auntie Margaret's funeral.

I've got a game, if anyone fancies
playing it.

Anything.

What are you thinking right now?

What? You've got to say it, that's a
game. That's not a game.

Yes, it is. What were you thinking?

Fantastic tits.

What? Did I say that out loud?

Maybe it's not such a great game to play
in a present company.

I can't take all the credit, actually.

They're not real.

Had them done three years ago.

Well, how could you afford that? On HP.

They're false.

Well, they still look and feel like the
real thing.

Do they?

Feel them.

Oh, I thought they'd be hard.

Yeah, you have to massage them every day
when they're first in.

It's malleable.

Don't they feel weird?

Very.

Congratulations. You're the first person
to maintain their full attention for 30

seconds.

31.

Don't sit here all night.

Cheers.

See you tomorrow.

Same time, same place.

What did you mean by that?

You meant don't sit in here drinking all
night. No.

You meant don't sit in here any longer
than you have to because it's a shit

hole. And cheers meant thanks for
reinforcing all my preconceptions about

this evening was going to be like.

to be read into the way he put on his
jacket.

How does he manage to make me feel like
a complete wanker every time?

He doesn't have to work hard to do that.

He shouldn't even be.

Why not? Because he hasn't been around
long enough.

You have to wait to get invited in, then
you do the apprenticeship thing, work

your way up to acceptance until your
newness has become a thing of the past,

you achieve inclusion then, and only
then.

Can you suggest an alternative place to
fucking drink?

You don't think you're overreacting a
little bit?

No.

Totally understandable.

What is? You feeling a bit resentful. I
do not feel resentful. What then?

Challenged? Threatened? Give me one good
reason why I should feel threatened.

He's new, therefore novel.

He's young, smart, funny, charming,
enthusiastic.

reliable, responsible, gets on with the
staff and the kids, does his job well,

appeals to both women and men, has good
taste, good

teeth, a good body.

I only ask for one.

See you there.

I don't wanna see

How many? Eight.

You've got to talk to Penny.

I'll talk to her, if you like.

You wouldn't get the first words out,
you suffering gif. I can't help it.

False tits, though.

False leg. Who gives a fuck?

I've been thinking.

What happens if she doesn't keep up on
the HP payments?

Do they come round and take them back?

Well, hopefully they go for the
television and video first.

Remember, just pretend.

Hey!

It's blowing it. Get in there and help
him.

You've still got them then.

Kate wants to know if you'll help him
out with something.

Ah, it's delicate.

Very delicate.

I've been phoning a certain assistant to
a headteacher.

Who wears glasses.

Carol's having trouble coming to terms
with her split from Kate.

Oh, no.

He wants to make it clear to her that
it's over, but without upsetting her

again. So he needs someone, a new
girlfriend, to be seen with.

You want me to go out with Kurt?

Pretend.

It's only pretend.

Why don't you just talk to her?

I can't. He can't get on with doing her
no good. She's making herself ill.

That's awful.

I knew you'd understand what I'm going
through. I meant for Carol.

And now you mention it, I did sense a
lot of negative energy in that office.

We need to let her down gently.

And you think this is the best thing for
the both of you?

I just don't want to rub salt in the
wounds.

I've got a free period. If you like, we
can take it through. I've got a lesson

now. Could we do it later?

Let's go.

In a dormant volcano, the hump is more
roundy.

Like a... Like a... Like what, sir?

Roundy thing.

I think Kurt's planning to break our
agreement.

What agreement?

That neither of us is seriously going to
go after Penny.

That they're both just going to pretend
to be a knight and for character.

This is J .P.'s plan.

It'll work if Kurt doesn't bollocks you.

Have you checked our gate monitors for
today? You're down to fill in for J .P.?

He must be busy again.

Amazing how busy he keeps himself, isn't
he?

He must have another delivery.

You really think he had one yesterday?

If he says he did.

Hey, Pete, Brian wants a quick word with
you.

Do I?

He's got to set up the hall for
badminton after school, and now because

covering for you, he's got all this gate
monitor stuff on. Why didn't you say

so? Were you saying so?

No. Well, if it's a problem, then I can
do it. No delivery today, then? Yeah,

but if Brian can't cover... Busy old
department languages.

Or do they deliver one tape at a time?

They changed it last minute of the day.

But if it's difficult for you, I'll do
the monitoring.

He's cleverer than I thought.

Is he?

He only said yes because he knew I was
testing him and he didn't want to look

bad. He's way.

He'll be palming it off onto someone
else in five minutes.

After hours of tense negotiation,
emotional blackmail, and the odd white

Penny's agreed to help.

We're liaising in the office in five
minutes.

What do you want me to do?

Nothing.

Penny and I can handle it.

This is all as we discussed, right?

What did we discuss?

You know, complications.

Kurt and a woman.

Complications come with interrogation.

I'm coming in.

Fine.

Ready? When you are.

How's it going?

All right.

All right.

How are you, uh, getting on with the new
bloke?

Uh, don't have him, but he seems all
right.

You, uh... You, uh, like him?

He's all right.

As all right as they... be?

Yeah.

No... worse or better?

No.

You don't find him a bit too... pushy?
No.

Not a bit too cheerful.

I quite like that. Good.

Good.

Good.

What's that all about?

Fuck knows.

Hi. Is Carol around?

She's chasing up stationary suppliers.
Will I not do?

Not for this, no.

Treat you.

Penny, how are you?

Good. You?

Yeah, very good.

Great to see you.

Is Carol coming back soon?

Why? No reason.

Why do you want to see her?

I'll try again later.

Thanks, Liz.

Didn't you want to get something from
the office?

Carol? Carol's not here.

And I can't help, apparently. So, I'm
leaving.

What were you doing?

What? You know what?

Give me a hint.

Your fucking arm around Penny!

What about it?

We had an agreement.

So?

You could have told us that Penny's
performing in order to help Carol. You

so?

Tell me anyone else who would have
agreed to appear as your girlfriend.

Oh, you tell me.

No one.

Exactly. So why do you think she did?

And don't whine on about helping Carol.
Why else?

Maybe she enjoys it. Bob!

If she's willing to appear as my
girlfriend, maybe she's secretly fancied

being my girlfriend. And if she does,
I'd be an idiot to part with her,

I? Eh?

I don't think I can stand in that pub
for another night.

We're not going to the pub.

Are we?

There's a karaoke night on at the bar JP
was talking about. I'd rather have my

arms hacked off with a rugby chisel.

That can be arranged.

I'm going to the pub.

I thought you couldn't stand another
night in that place.

At least be quiet.

Because you'll be on your own.

I do have other friends apart from you
lot, you know. Who?

I don't have to rely on the likes of
fucking Jim Bob to organise my social

Why are you scared of?

That it'll be a good night?

Well, now it'll be a good night.

So why not come?

Because I've got better things to do
than reinforce the false impression that

don't have better things to do.

Are you feeling rejected by your
friends?

Ignored? I'm feeling like part of the
fucking furniture.

There are no easy answers to an identity
crisis.

This isn't an identity crisis.

Classic.

Are people finding me less interesting?

Is that it? Do you think I need to
reinvent myself?

You can't suddenly become what you're
not. You have your own peculiar appeal.

Kind of whinging, useless, moaning
charm.

That's why I come to you. You always
made me feel so much better.

It's not a competition between you and
JP.

Something we can do for you?

Oh, just checking any roads here.

Been a long day.

Yep.

Child needs a... unwind.

Dry throat.

Is this list of mundane ailments leading
anywhere?

I was just thinking you... You don't
fancy a drink tonight, do you? Has

else in the school died?

No, I just thought you might fancy going
for a drink.

Where are the other two?

I don't know and I don't care.

You've had a falling out and you've got
no -one else to play with. Is that it?

Do you want to go for a drink or not?
Love to.

Great. But unfortunately, I'm already
busy.

How about... you?

She's busy too.

Thought I'd ask.

Pretend I'm Penny.

Talk to me. You look nothing like her.

Better?

Good.

Go again.

I, uh,

don't suppose you found you going out
for a drink tonight?

No. Right.

Stupid idea. Drink?

Yeah, so, so. What about?

That. The general idea, yeah.

Yeah, I'd love to. Yeah, thanks a lot.

What's that, Brian?

If you stop hiccuping, start belching,
start to hiccup.

We'll get out your evening.

Yes.

I don't know why you let this get to you
so much. I mean, no, I just don't like

the fact that all of my friends are
studying all this fucking crap.

Well, maybe it's because you're quite
similar.

You like the same people, the same
people like you.

Except they seem to be liking him more.
They just don't know him as well as they

know you, and they haven't found his
irritating bits yet.

I've got irritating bits.

Stumped emotions, the need to be centre
of attention, the constant stroking,

reassurance he needs to get through the
average day. Well, isn't that everyone?

He only wants to get to know them.

So, he's similar to me, but newer.

It's a theory. And therefore more
exciting and attractive.

Well... That's what you're saying, isn't
it? You're saying he's like me, but

better.

It's sabotage.

I did not nick your deodorant or your
hair gel, all right? Well, look at me,

fuck's sake.

You're definitely not coming.

How's it going with Kurt?

Why are you doing it?

Chasing after somebody who's not
interested in you is the worst thing in

world, being there, damn it.

You don't think it's unfair to her?

more unfair than your plan was.

Can I ask you something?

When you look at me, what do you see?

I don't know.

A teacher.

You see a teacher first?

Do I detect a crisis of identity here?
Oh, for fuck's sake, no.

I know all about identity crises. From
the age of 13 to 19, I was invisible.

Literally.

When were you born?

January 28th, 1974. Why?

Aquarius with Venus rising.

Is that good?

The water carrier.

Single -minded, but neurotic, prone to
self -doubt and back problems.

If you give me the time of day that you
were born, I can do you a chart, if you

like. I don't need a chart.

That's what everybody who needs a chart
says.

What triggered this off?

I thought I knew who I was, but I'm not
him anymore, apparently, but I'm still

trying to be him and not coming to terms
with who I really am, and now someone

else is him, and I'm... Fuck knows.

Believe me, you need a chart.

You're sweating already.

Oh, shit.

Don't worry, some women like that.

Some women like what?

Sweaty, smelly little blokes with crap
hair.

What's going on with you, Penny?

You've noticed.

She asked me about you.

Oh, yeah? About any previous sexual
deviancy I might be aware of.

It's got anything to do with you and
Carol.

What, someone can't be interested in me
for me? Is that it?

It has to be part of some...

sordid little plan cooked up to get
Carol off my back.

Well, thanks very much.

I thought I would tell them a bit more
esteem than that.

What plan?

Don't tell them.

What are we all having?

Beer for me and a Italian coke for the
lady.

What are you doing?

Just being friendly.

Carol's not even here yet.

Right.

Does Penny know what she's taking on?

She's not remotely fucking interested in
Kurt.

That goes without saying. I mean, does
she know about Carol's psychotic

tendencies and Liz's protective
instincts?

I forgot to mention it.

Don't you think you should? We'll cross
that bridge when we get to it.

So he goes.

Let's all go to karaoke.

Then immediately everyone says, karaoke,
yeah.

We can go to karaoke. I don't want to go
to fucking karaoke.

I never wanted to go to karaoke.

Well, sure.

Then I chose to come here with you.

We're going to start trading in self
-pity.

I warned you. I'm going to win hands
down. Well, what's the worst thing that

happen to you? You forget the...

Get your fucking coursework in on time.
Well, Claire has a go about your grade

average. Don't talk to me about Claire.
You don't like Claire? No, Claire is

fine. It's just what she is that chokes
me.

Three times I have applied for the
headship, and three times I've been over

fucking look, so don't get me going on
that.

Fine. No, no, two legs. I'm going to get
another round.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty tired at
the moment. I think I'll just get my

done.

years shag either of these two. Never.

And have you ever in any way, shape or
form fancied them?

No.

Clear things up.

Where did that leave the deal? Deal,
well, next time you manipulate an

unsuspecting person into participating
in one of your gutless acts of gross

stupidity, at least have the courtesy to
warn them of all the possible

consequences.

They're harsh.

Penny was put in an impossible position.

How could she have said yes to either of
those questions?

True. But never and no seemed pretty
conclusive.

Oh, fuck it.

She's here.

I'm looking particularly unstable.

You thought we'd hiccup him?

No, we didn't.

Go for a drink, mate.

It's your round.

I can't go to the bar now, can I?

Give me the money.

Two bottles of lager, mate.

Yeah. No, you don't.

Not a bad place.

Well, we're done with our hit and happy
hour with human sponge here.

Well, stay happy.

Things could be worse, I suppose.

My last child was born.

How old are they?

23.

What? Oh what now?

A bust?

This will never, ever stop in a
conversation between us again.

Understood? In fact, you may erase it
from your memory of talking to me.

I've already forgotten it.

I'd obviously prefer if you didn't talk
to anybody about, you know, when I told

you tonight.

It goes without saying. Daddy,

I...

That track will contain the combination
of the strongest soporifics known to

medicine.

You were miffed.

Someone

said

they saw you going out with Bob.

Don't worry.

I told them there must have been
hallucinating.

He gave up a top evening out to go for a
drink with Bob.

There was stuff he needed to get off his
chest.

Yeah? Of a highly confidential and
personal nature.

What?

He didn't get the headship at the third
attempt, and he hasn't had a shag in 23

years. Fuck, you know.

That's what I said.

So, how was your evening?

We got knocked back by Penny.

You amaze me.

We didn't bank on Jenny shoving her oar
in.

So, the golden boy's plan failed.

And the message is, one, bye.

That's it?

Yep.

You didn't declare that.

I heard it was a bit of a disappointing
evening.

You had its moment.

So I did.

Heard that it was like being kissed by a
vacuum cleaner.

And how was Bob?

I think we've got a much better
understanding of each other now.

Is that a good or a bad thing?

It's got to be good.

Sorry to hear about last night.

What? Well, I got the impression it
wasn't a great success.

It was all right, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah?

The third text message this morning.

What does it say?

I know where you live.

Did you get home all right?

Of course.

You're out like a lion as soon as you
hit the bus, see?

Got those lesson plans for me?

I'll get them to you.

End of tomorrow.

Latest. Well, I'll try. Just try. Do it.
What's wrong with you?

Look, just because we go out for a drink
together doesn't change anything here.

I still want those plans and I want them
on time.

Understand?

What's even worse than it was before?

Thought we had been opened up to you.

Now he's scared you're going to blast
that room.

I wouldn't want anyone knowing that I
hadn't had sex in 23 years or that I'd

tried and failed three times to get the
headshot on. I'd be flabby around.

Just how?

Shit. And he just needs reassuring.

He fucking doesn't. Oh, you're not still
worried about becoming part of this

furniture? Nah.

Should I be?

No more than anyone else.

Just you're more Parker Knoll than the
Terence Conrad steam bleach with

recliner. And J .P.'s the recliner.

For now.

Well, what are you?

I'm more your solid wood frame wingback.

Common sense buy with added comfort.

I know. Cupboard service?

You're a Welsh dresser to his maple hi
-fi unit.

Table?

Mahogany effect nest to his blonde wood
glass top. Please, sir.

Can I go on?

So I'm functional rather than exciting.

Functional's good.

Yeah, but it's not dazzling, is it?
You'll still have a moment.

Yeah? I'd far rather film something
functional than dazzling.

Are we still talking furniture?

We are still talking furniture.