Original subtitles

Okay, right, okay.

You've got a terminal illness, but you get to shag Angelina Jolie.

Or, you've won the lottery, but you have to shag Sue

Pollard.

And that fucking Welsh one.

Bastard!

Pollard and the Welsh one.

Welcome back.

Shame you didn't give this to me earlier.

Everyone could have admired it.

That the inset day you were supposed to come to while you were sunning

yourselves on a beach?

What did you do that for?

What? Mention work.

We're trying to enjoy ourselves.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

Oh. I do. I hate the first day back.

I get this kind of not here.

It's that feeling when you just know everything's going to be the same.

Same old faces, same students, same old fucking routine.

I know it's against the rules for the first day back to be anything less than

absolute misery and torture.

Still, look on the bright side.

Which is?

No.

There isn't one.

Don't be so cheerful.

Sorry.

There is a reason for it.

Insanity.

I just got my decree absolute through.

Excellent. I mean, like, are you okay?

Fine.

Now, can we just get back to taking a piss out of Brian's suit?

What's wrong with it?

Sure, you rock!

Pissed her down, threw it in the playground.

Are you deaf?

Oh, look, I forgot about her.

I'm going to have to talk to her sometime.

Jenny!

All right?

Fine, thanks.

Great.

Can I say it for you?

I'll tell you what.

Yeah. Yeah, go on then.

Whatever twisted spark of attraction there was between us has now thankfully

gone since we had sex.

Okay?

Yeah.

After you.

After you, sir.

Me?

Student assessment.

Smart by Friday.

Memo for the new term?

Fill them in by tomorrow.

You choose to face the crown.

She's had a makeover done especially for you.

She looks like a little kind of...

Holy

fuck. He's

sick.

Simon. Kurt.

Brian. This is Penny.

Hi.

I'm Penny's mentor for the year.

Just for your information, I have shagged Brian and Simon.

Personally, I'd recommend Brian.

Much more fun and much less complicated.

What do you mean, more fun?

Not that I'm bothered or shit, so I know.

I don't mean with you, obviously.

See what I mean?

What did you do that was so special?

I just wanted to say, welcome back, everyone.

What's Claire doing on that thick board?

There's nothing major to report, except to say it looks as though Angie won't be

back for at least six months.

For those of you with new tutor groups, any queries, you can see me later.

I'm sure you're all as excited as I am about the start of this new school year.

Let's work on our achievements so far and really push to make this year better

than the last.

I know you won't let me down. No pressure there, then.

I'm sure the three of you have got a good explanation for not being here

yesterday.

Our flight was delayed.

This is our new languages teacher, John Paul Keating.

J .P.'s in your old room and you're in Jenny's room.

What? I mean, what?

Change is the enemy of complacency.

What does she mean? I'm not complacent. No, but you're a lazy twat. It's the

same thing.

Carol can't wait to find out what you brought her back from January.

Be right.

Fuck's sake.

I ignore her all summer. She still thinks I'm going out with her.

What is it about me you think?

The one that says I'm desperate, permanently available and no one else

me.

Why didn't you say anything about the last night?

I thought it would be a nice surprise for you to see McCain.

You were whinging about everything being the same.

You look about 12.

I'm not that happy, though.

You wait till he's puberty to be covered in spots.

Thanks, he's quite attractive.

I don't know why Clara had to move into Jenny's old room.

No, please, it's you, isn't it? You mean about everything being the same and

something changing, you mean even more.

A little bit, it was...

My room.

I want to go with you into your new classroom.

He's more than attractive. He's lovely.

Well, he is.

So very rude.

You've got everything you need, JP.

I think so.

Got everything you need, JP.

He's good being friendly.

Yeah, right.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. It's the way he said it.

Sorry, I can't find the register.

Do I get one off the secretary?

If you don't mind being interrogated about your personal life, I'll get one

you. No, it's OK. It's no bother.

Leave it with me.

Thanks. Just dropping in whenever.

No.

Stop it.

Of course I don't. I can't. It's me we're talking about. I never see anyone

fancy. You must have fancied Peter once.

I suppose.

I bet you went all red and got palpitations and ran around after him

Everything you need, Peter.

No, I didn't.

Oh, well.

Actually, now you mention it.

There you go, then.

You're displaying all the classic symptoms of fancying someone.

Am I?

Oh, God, maybe I am.

Fucking hell!

We want to go on to year 12.

I know

it's hard trying to find your way around a new place.

When I first came here, it took me a year to find the canteen.

Maybe you should have me teaching geography then.

Very good, Kylie.

Hey, love.

All right, Catherine to the cake.

Tell me something about yourself.

Like what?

Anything. Like, dislike, what you hate most about school.

I like school.

All right.

Later on would have been fine.

Well, it was on my way anyway.

Let me know if you need anything else. Books, paper, values.

Thanks. OK.

How about a song?

If there's one bit of advice I want you to remember... Is it something more

interesting than this?

No, we were talking about you.

She said you live with two blokes. I thought you might be gay, but Kayla says

you're not.

You haven't got a girlfriend, though, have you?

I might have.

Who is she, then?

Her name is... Ria.

And she's very attractive.

Any questions so far?

Is she your girlfriend now?

No.

That sound you can hear is the bell, which means you can go.

Lost? I'm trying to find the library.

Oh, it's that way.

Thanks.

It could have been worse. It could have been, don't shag me.

It's good to be a bit of a habit, this, you, helping me out.

I won't worry about it. I do it for everyone.

So if you ever need any personal counselling, you know where to come.

And I'm very cheap.

I'll bear that in mind.

So, who do you go to if you need advice?

If I'm absolutely desperate, Simon.

But I'd have to be really, really, really desperate. In fact, I'd have to

completely mental.

Which is probably how I'm going across right now.

You know.

Are you just being polite because you're new? No, but you don't strike me as

being particularly mental.

All right?

No, not really.

Me neither. I've got the fucking mid -witch cuckoos for a cheeseburger.

So, what's your problem?

A bit complicated.

Oh, really?

Not many do I think I can be him, but I quite like him.

And? Well, that's the problem, isn't it?

Is it?

Yes.

It would be fun if I fancied him that he was a complete bastard, and I could

handle that, but he's not. It just messes everything up.

Oh, look, why does he have to be nice?

He could be a bastard in his spare time.

He's really fit.

Say something to reassure me this isn't really happening.

Okay, your name is Susan. You're the sensible one. You don't run around

out the people. You give us advice to tell us not to run around letting out

people. Better? Yeah.

Thanks.

Did he look at me just then?

She's out there.

Who? Carol.

I keep seeing her everywhere.

Shouldn't you be doing that in a phone box?

Piss off.

What?

So.

So, you know.

Yeah. Yeah?

Good.

Seems all right, doesn't he?

Will you tell her I don't want to go out with her?

I'm too scared.

No chance.

Come on.

We can invite them to the pub.

I just thought we'd come and say hello and see how you got on today.

Birthdays are always worth something. You never know who to talk to, who to

avoid.

I remember on my first day, I couldn't talk to anyone. I was so nervous.

Well, I mean, obviously I said hello.

See you tomorrow.

Nice to talk to you.

Does she really teach psychology?

She's not that bad. In fact, I think she's quite sweet.

What is wrong with me?

I'm trying to have a nice, normal conversation with him and I end up

absolute bollocks. I'm sure he didn't notice that you made a complete swath of

yourself. I forgot to ask him for a drink.

I can't even get that right.

Ask him for a drink.

You tell them, I'll make your life a living hell.

Sorry, I can't stay.

JP? You fancy JP?

We fucking hate you, Simon Casey.

That was her.

Help me, I need advice.

Never wear orange.

You're late.

Been busy sacrificing small children, have you?

No. Bob wanted to talk to me about this town's extracurricular activity.

I told him we'd volunteer to help out.

Cheers.

So, what's the verdict on JP and Penny?

Fucking believable.

I could always take over as Penny's mentor if you couldn't cope.

I don't think so.

We're supposed to be encouraging her into teaching, not putting her off.

I wouldn't try to put her off. I know, you'd do it without any effort at all.

Susan's fancy, JP.

Why don't you just tell the entire pub?

No, they wouldn't know who JP is.

And? Nothing.

Fancy him, that's all. No big deal.

If I think about it rationally, it's really just a reaction to finding out

my divorce. I've discovered I can fancy someone.

I wouldn't do anything about it.

Why not?

Don't encourage her.

Because I've just got used to my life being nice and uncomplicated, i .e.

single. Why go and mess it up by going out with JP?

God, I can't stand this. I've just met him, and I'm talking about going out

him. Well, he is good -looking.

Yeah, he is, isn't he?

Anyway, he's probably not interested.

Why would he be?

In fact...

Don't think he's really noticed me at all.

That's probably because you're not a proper girl.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm a bloke.

I mean... You're like us.

That's why we like you. Stop there before you make me really depressed.

No, what I'm trying to say is... Maybe if you did your hair a bit different

or... Or a bit more make -up, you might notice you more.

happening to me? I'm taking advice from Brian.

Help me.

You could always try running around the staff room with a machete. It might take

notice then.

Oh, fuck it.

What have I got to lose?

You've got to run around the staff room with a machete.

No.

I'm going to dress up like a girl.

Lovely.

Hey, super.

Wasting your time there.

She's ten of it.

How do you know?

It's my job to know.

Someone said she was married.

She fell a bit married.

If she was married to someone like you, it's possible.

Anyway, I'm only telling you what I've heard.

Has Kurt said anything to you about Carol?

We don't talk about stuff like that.

Really? I don't think you'd be full of good advice about relationships.

How's your girlfriend?

Rio. What?

You've been talking about me.

Yeah, I've been seeing everyone how brilliant you are.

You don't have to be sarky with me. I know, but it's fine.

Why would I want to talk to anyone about you?

I don't know.

Maybe you might have said something to another teacher or someone else.

No, I can if you want me to, though.

Look, you've got knees.

What's wrong with my knees?

As far as knees go, they're lovely.

I don't laugh at your knees.

You can't see my knees.

I know, but if I could.

I wouldn't. Oh, you're so sweet.

You just don't like it because I look a bit different.

Oh, don't start.

What about Kurt's life wearing flip -flops? I bet that would really freak

out. No.

That wearing earrings and a dress and talking Welsh. Yeah, all right. It made

you punk.

Jenny.

Be honest.

Do you think I look stupid?

Like I'm trying too hard?

No, you look fine.

I've got a message for you.

From Carol.

She's busy with Claire.

She told me to tell you to meet her in the canteen for lunch.

All right.

Can't I just email her?

No, that's cowardly. We don't get the pleasure of seeing you... Yeah.

You know, deep down, you're really scared of being dumped yourself.

Why would she want to dump me?

It would take too long.

Shall we just get on with it then?

Okay.

So, I'm Carol.

Sorry. Go on then.

I wouldn't do that. You'll think you've got emphysema.

The thing is, Carol.

The thing is... It's... Over.

Nice. Double.

But try starting with something positive.

Hi, Carol.

Nice shoes.

You've done this before, haven't you?

No.

Something like... Carol, you mean a lot to me.

Carol? You mean a lot to me.

But I've realised I can't go on pretending that our relationship is any

than just friendship.

It's not fair, which is why I can't see you any more.

Yeah.

Sounds all right.

You think it'll work?

Probably not.

I think

she

wants to give me a penny a little

pep talk.

I'd like.

Is she really the fud?

Not if you have absolutely nothing to do with her.

Anything else I should know?

Yeah, when you're in there, speak really quietly.

Because Liz, the sex show, won't be able to listen in. She always does to really

piss her off.

You've smudged your make -up a bit.

Have I?

Yeah. I can never get my head around why girls waste so much make -up.

Obviously, some of them have to.

But you don't.

Really? Yeah.

Shit, I'm late.

Thanks. I think I'm going away from here. I'll see you later, eh?

Yeah.

Bye, JP.

No, he'll do it. I'm trapped.

No, I didn't. Why are you over there?

I'll deal with you two later.

Move it!

Are

you

okay?

I can't see you anymore.

I mean, I think I've gone blind.

Did I miss all the fun?

You walked into a fight. Don't worry, I've sorted it. Oh, well done.

I just stepped in and... Claire asked me to come and get you. Once the minutes

are meeting this morning.

Sorry to drag her away from you.

See you later.

You could always try to fuck off and die, Carol.

Oh, Carol, I've got mad cow's disease.

You can stop now, Jordan.

I haven't finished the moustache yet.

Well,

what do I do next?

You'll think of something.

Simon?

They were both the same colour. Stop it.

Stop it.

They said it was washable.

She only does it when she's bored.

Thanks for that.

It's all right.

You're supposed to be my friend.

I am.

Well, why can't you be just a bit helpful about this whole JP thing?

No, you haven't.

All right, you can try wearing stockings.

Oh, looks like that sort of thing. I know what you mean.

Why don't you leave my knees alone?

Why won't you take me seriously?

Because that's not what I'm here for.

Do you know what I think it is?

That I still feel abandoned by my mother.

No, although we could come back to that.

It's because whenever you have the smallest problem, I'm always there for

because that's what I do.

But now I'm the one with the problem. All you can see is your emotional crutch

being taken away.

Bollocks! You wouldn't say that when I've touched a nurse.

All right, it might be about that bit.

Well, more than a bit.

Why can't the world revolve around someone other than you? Just this once.

Okay, sorry.

You are right.

I don't think I'm very good at this sort of thing, but I'll try.

Will you?

Of course.

What do I do?

Do you want me to ask him out for you?

Get Brian through it?

Get hurt, she was.

I could get loose, but no, that would probably... You're right.

Really not your phone point.

OK, you lot coming here today, it's a big change for you.

New environment, new people.

Is it good or bad?

Well, bad.

Right, so change might be a bad thing.

No, school is.

Change is all right.

But if you don't like the thing that's changed, how do you deal with it?

You just get on with it.

What's this got to do with what we're supposed to be working on? I'm trying to

make you look at things from a...

A wider perspective.

I was warned you'd be like this.

What?

It's strange.

Right, you move here. Come on. And you, there.

That was a change, and that was good, wasn't it?

Fucking tragic.

What?

Penny.

Apparently she's celibate.

Last time a woman told me she was celibate, she went off with another

Maybe that's it then, eh?

Maybe she wears comfortable shoes.

Maybe she likes KD Lang hanging around in locker rooms.

Maybe she prefers women.

What do you mean? She's a leather.

What the hell?

No, it can't be true.

She smiled at me.

She smiled at me.

Shit, maybe it is true.

Penny might be a dyke.

If she's been talking to you, she's probably giving you some thought.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Helping you.

What? Susan, can I borrow you for a minute?

Hi.

How's it going?

Great. Fine.

I want to die.

Great. So, do you like your new classroom?

Yeah, it's fine as classrooms go. Good, good.

Glad you settled in.

You'll be okay. Everyone's really nice here.

Aren't they?

Are they?

Who's really nice?

Who wants another coffee?

I'm OK, bud.

Penny? Thanks, Brian. Two lumps.

Sorry?

Of sugar.

Not that I'm trying to steal Susan out or anything, but she is really, really

nice.

If ever you've got a problem, Susan's the one to go to.

Really? Yeah, yeah. She's a good listener. Good.

Well, nice talking to you. I'll see you later.

Yeah.

What were you saying to him? I was helping you.

How? You know, I said a few nice things about you. He realizes that if someone

like me who's obviously got such good taste thinks you're great, then you must

be all right. He takes the hint, and I'll help you out.

Yeah. Right. He thinks I've drawn my knees.

It's not funny.

Well, if he's that bothered, why don't you ask him out?

Don't be stupid. What's the worst that could happen? He turns me down. I feel

really humiliated. It puts me off ever talking to a fanciful bloke again, and I

end up a sad, lonely spinster who smells of ketchup. That's it. Be positive.

So what should I do? Just ask him for fuck's sake.

Isn't there an easy way?

No.

What was Ecstasy's girl doing?

Who? Her.

What's she been saying about me?

Nothing. She's just been going on about Kurt all day.

What?

Not Carol.

Taylor. Taylor?

She's been in to see Claire about me, hasn't she? About my teaching.

Why would she do that? Because I know she has.

And you know, you must have heard.

That thing you said to me before about Rio, my girlfriend.

Came from her, didn't it?

That. I knew it.

The little bitch has been taking the pit out of me every time I see her. Even

the way she smiles at me.

She's been flagging off my teaching, hasn't she?

Maybe I should see Claire.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Why not?

Because she wouldn't know what you're talking about.

Best way to handle Kayla, don't show she's getting to you. Trust me.

Hang on.

Who's the teacher here, me or you?

You.

That little bitch is my daughter.

Girl, she's lucky to be in your tutor group and your geography class.

Is she?

I know you'll help her to get really good grade.

Come on, then.

JP,

Susan wanted to know... If you fancy coming to the pub for a drink.

Yeah, OK.

Will you come with me?

Why does everyone always ask me to hold their hand for them? No.

Go on.

You can do it.

Go on, mate.

You'll never do it. I know.

Come in, Kurt.

Carol's just gone to the toilet.

Said something about an overdose if you didn't come and see her.

You're joking!

Yes.

She won't be long.

Actually, um, it's you I need to see, Liz. Oh, lucky me. What about?

Um, well... I don't know where to start, really. It's a bit awkward.

I knew it.

You're thinking of chucking her, aren't you? Not exactly chucking.

Yes. Except I can't tell her. I've tried. I just can't.

She might cry or something.

I mean, you're her friend. You know how to handle her.

Can't you do it?

I could, but I won't. Oh, please, Liz, I'm desperate.

I'll make it worth your while. I'll give you anything.

Here. You think I'd do something like that for a bar of chocolate?

Listen, can I come with you? I just don't know where I'm going.

Yeah?

Fine.

The only trouble with going for a drink

after work is there's always a lot of people around.

You don't get a chance to talk properly, you know?

Get to know someone.

I mean, obviously there'll be other people around, the barmaid.

But what I'm trying to say is,

Will you come out for a drink sometime?

I mean, just with me.

I don't think that's possible, Susan.

Sorry.

Oh, God, I knew it.

Sorry, I should have realised it's obvious.

Is it? Well, it is now. I've made a complete arse of myself.

You're married, aren't you?

Sorry, I thought you were too young. I mean, not too young, not 12.

Susan.

I'm gay.

I thought you knew.

Well, I suspected, although I couldn't be sure whether you were completely gay

or... You didn't have a clue, did you?

No.

I don't go around advertising it.

Not when I'm this new.

Can I just clear something else up? What?

I don't draw on my knees.

Just in case you were wondering.

I wasn't. Well, thanks anyway.

You've got Liz to do it.

Well, women are better at that sort of stuff.

Only because they know how pathetic men are.

Never mind. I'm sure she'll take it, OK?

I just hope she doesn't do anything... stupid.

What, like go back out with you?

I'm going to put that fat little bitch in the swimming pool and make her dive

the bottom of the pool to fetch a brick and hold her under for a very, very long

time.

Liz's daughter.

Liz's daughter?

Well, a few minutes, anyway.

So, do you... Reckon they're too heavy to float in water.

What bricks on Liz's daughter?

Penny's tips.

It was only a matter of time, I suppose.

She's got two heads inside her top.

I just wish... No, don't say it. What? One of them was yours.

Are you psychic?

Anyway, you poor, deluded fool, you don't stand a chance.

She keeps smiling at me. She smiled at me.

She looked in my direction.

You're all hopelessly misguided, as usual.

She does that to everyone.

Including you.

Yes, so obviously she fancies me.

You reckon?

Well?

Have I briefed her yet?

All right. You sit here.

No, it's OK.

I'm getting the drinks in.

No, you sit down. I'll get the drinks in. Really?

I'll get them.

And you can come with me.

What's going on? Nothing.

Well, actually, I've changed my mind.

What, just like that?

I was thinking it's probably not such a good idea to go out with someone from

work and look at you and Jenny.

We didn't go out together. We just shagged. Well, whatever.

It'd still be awkward.

Besides, I think it's a bit young. I said that.

Which means you agree with me.

I can't be right.

He turned you down, didn't he? No.

I chickened out of asking.

Coward. I know.

It's crap.

But at least it's all over with now.

Yeah, and it means you don't have to go out with someone with a poncy name.

My sort of name is JP anyway.

He's obviously got no taste.

And you're too good for him.

And... Stop there.

I think you're saying all this to make me feel better.

So does this mean you're going to go back to being normal again?

I think so, yeah. Which is a good thing. It means I can go back to taking the

piss out of you.

Cheers.

Shame, really. I was just getting used to being the sensible, mature one with

you, the hysterical bastard. Shut up now or I'll have to punch you. OK.

Ow!

Sorry, I don't like it. Anyway.

So, has Penny said anything to you about liking girls?

Sorry? Ignore him.

You pick it up, press the green button and say hello.

Hello?

Liz?

Have you told her?

Is she... okay?

She

took it

well, then.