Original subtitles

Bastard! It's supper.

I'll have them later.

And don't go leaving crumbs down the sofa again. I have to sleep that. Yes,

I woke up with a half -eaten pizza slice in my face this morning.

Oh, I was looking for that.

Did you save it?

You see what I have to put up with? I'm living with animals.

It's worse for us having you living in our flat.

We have to listen to you shagging.

That's the only thing you've got to look forward to in your sad little lives.

That's true.

If it's that bad, why don't you move in with Maggie?

Hoping that tomorrow's gonna bring a smile back home again.

Images of palm trees swaying in the wind on South Beach. Takes me back to better

days. Summer rays, the everglades, and you, my brain.

Morning. You have to be so cheerful on a Monday morning. It's unhealthy.

Sorry, I wasn't thinking.

You know that thing you mentioned last night?

Shit. I think we're going to declare it.

Fast, fast.

Terry? I'm thinking about moving in with Maggie.

Great, so do it.

I only said I was thinking about it.

It's not something you just rush into, you know what I mean?

Morning.

Morning, Jenny.

See, I can be mature.

I can be...

Friends with Jenny? I can think about moving in with Maggie. It's no big deal.

Good.

Now maybe you'll stop following me around and ask me for a hug all the

It just kicked.

Have a go, sir. It's really wet.

Oh, go on. It won't bite.

You feel that kicking?

Where's Ian and Hayley?

Back to your seats.

Quietly. Exams are in progress.

Your turn tomorrow.

What exam?

The ones you're going to do extremely well and to justify my existence.

Cirque. Can you give us a test? I'm worried we haven't done enough revision.

Yeah, nice one.

No, sir, I really am worried. I hardly slept last night.

Neither did I.

Oh, kept you up, did she?

Does she take her chance into bed with her when you're not there?

Do you want me to help you pass the exams or not?

Yes, I do, sir.

Because you're all so keen to do well in them. We'll go through exam technique.

Brilliant!

Could you not do that? It's disturbing.

Take your time.

Don't panic. Think about it first. Don't rush into it. You might make a mistake.

Then it'll be too late.

Don't burn your bridges. Look at your options.

It's all about making the right choice.

The multiple choice.

No, I'm talking about how to make the right decision.

You don't have to be scared.

That set paper isn't the enemy.

Think of it as...

A friend.

Are you pissed?

Sir, and when we've done all that, should we make a list?

List? Yeah, to remind us of the main points we've covered.

A list?

Brilliant. Don't encourage him.

No.

We'll be making a list.

Why not the pros and cons of moving in with Maggie, sort of?

Don't you think it's a good idea?

You're a genius.

This is what I've got so far.

Can you think of anything else?

It's not your job.

I'm stuck.

All right.

OK.

What are Maggie's best qualities?

She likes sex.

You got that?

Twice?

Yeah, but she really likes sex.

She's safe, reliable.

You make her sound like a car.

I mean, I know where I am with her. I can trust her.

I mean, I don't feel on edge when I'm with her.

Right, move in with her. Right.

By the way, don't tell Brian and Kurt about this, just in case.

Case what?

In case I don't move out.

I need a breakdown of your absentees for this month.

Liz, if you had to name one good thing about living with a partner, what would

it be?

I don't know.

I'm married.

Carol, if you had to name one... No, it's OK.

I don't think you can help.

What would you say was the best thing about living with friends as opposed to

partner? I don't know.

I've never lived with my mates.

But what if you did?

We'd have a laugh, I suppose.

Do you think you'd get bored of them?

Probably. I get bored of everyone.

That was in progress, Zoe.

Shall we start calling you

Simone? Sorry?

I heard voices.

From God?

It's very good.

In there, probably, Skyler's. I'll go.

Don't think it's a good idea, a male teacher being seen in the girls' league.

They were in the cubicle, enjoying themselves.

You should know by now you don't come to school to enjoy yourself. None of us

do. I'll leave them in your capable hands.

Really?

Yeah, no problem. I'll source it.

So, you'd rather stay in a toilet cubicle than come to my lesson?

Yeah. You could at least try and lie.

Sorry, Simon.

Yeah, sorry.

Where do you think you're going?

Er, maths.

Arts? Why, that.

Ron, you're both coming with me this day.

Come on!

You OK?

Fantastic.

Good. I just caught Ian Potter and Hayley Scott skiving. Well, probably

sex, actually.

Lucky them.

Well, shouldn't you do something about it?

Can't you deal with it?

Does the phrase, don't ever give advice to a student again, ring any bells?

All right.

I'll see to it when I've finished bathing in Arthur's milk, shall I?

It's going well, then.

Three period is just a euphemism for working your tits off.

Yeah, I'll try and talk to them later.

Thanks.

Oh, I've been giving the Maggie thing some thought, and I was thinking maybe

is the right time to talk about it. Maybe later.

Maybe not.

Sure. See you later.

Phil, you'd better work on your excuses.

I already have.

Ada's been grounded by Mum and Dad for two weeks.

School's the only place that we can sleep together.

Yeah, it must be tough.

Oh, well, you'll just have to restrain yourselves.

It's not going to drop off because you haven't used it for two weeks. Yeah, but

it's all right for you. When you're home, you can do it whenever you like.

Go on, then.

Get on with it.

Go on, then.

Back to your lessons.

It's almost equal on both sides.

Good.

It doesn't pick her up. House, train, sir, sir, sir, cons, no cigarettes, thin

barbed wire, video.

The pros outweigh the cons by one.

Regular what, sir?

Blowjobs.

So, when are you going to give us a bad news, then? Tonight, definitely.

Nobody changes a shit, bastard.

Not having a couple of rabbits in your lap.

Yeah.

Hiya, Maggie.

I didn't know you were here.

I came here to see.

Was Kurt doing his glass trick? Yeah, he could have warned me.

I was busy.

It's a pain in the ass living here sometimes.

Maybe it's time I thought about moving out. What do you reckon?

It's up to you.

Look, you're doing anything Saturday night?

I don't know. Might be. Why?

Work do. Can't get out of it.

Why would you want me there?

A bit of moral support.

You're lovely, intelligent, quite entertaining.

Is that enough?

It'll do for now. But you will come, won't you?

It'll be shit without you there.

I mean, it's going to be shit anyway.

But it'll be really shit without you.

You're really selling it to me, aren't you?

Why would I want to meet some fucking police... people?

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

I'm not doing it.

Fine, don't.

And you'll be there on Friday when I invite Susan and Pete around for dinner.

You've invited them round? No, but I will do if you don't come on Saturday.

That's blackmail.

I know.

All right, just this once, but never again.

Mmm.

Promise. Till next time.

Hey! That was a joke!

Kurt,

stop trying to spy.

Maggie's left.

You gotta breathe in and out.

You gotta fall in love all around.

Though I don't know the story,

just another knock at my door.

A spring clinging, a vanilla clinging beneath the night and two feet.

Any last bets on Andy's breakdown?

Susan?

Give it to the end of the week.

No, she's not in full basket we've been moored yet.

Fiver on next Tuesday.

No, she'll crack sooner.

I'll have a few quid on tomorrow.

Five quid says she doesn't last the day.

I'm feeling lucky.

You got a minute?

It's about Ian and Hayley. I haven't had time to see them.

Right. It's all gone wrong.

What has? The moving in with Maggie thing.

I was just about to ask her and she messed it up.

How?

She's trying to make me be nice to policemen. And it's upset my list and

don't know what to do.

I'm going to end up living with Brian and Kurt forever. Would you?

She's dead.

Yeah.

All set for this afternoon?

Any questions you've still got on stuff we've covered? Now's the time to ask.

I take it you don't need any advice on the exams?

I don't think advice is one of your strong points, Simon.

I'll see you two later.

I'm glad you used them. She's had to go home.

She could have had the decencies away until tomorrow.

I think I might join her. No, really, you wouldn't give me a chance. Corbyn

Valley was watching with me. Judy's got to be better than this. Maybe not.

You have to sit in on the history. Mark's is no -one else free.

I know. I've got a lesson.

I need to come for you. We're both on the same stuff anyway.

But... What?

Apparitions.

Look amongst yourselves for a bit.

Quietly.

You seen Jenny?

Right.

Where's Angie?

Bad news, I'm afraid.

We'll bribe some money.

You bastard.

Supposedly that'll put the little sods out of their misery.

Right! Stop talking!

Talking, talking, talking about

Into temptation

Quiet!

I said quiet!

Where's Simon? He disappeared.

back. I want you all to get on with your revisions.

We had to be at the airport by 6, but we got there late.

And then when we were at the check -in, we were at the check -in.

Just a minute, Kelly.

I can't tell you lot again.

Get back in your seats.

Any more noise or you're all under tension.

so you

Hitler only had one ball.

And that's why he invaded Poland.

Yeah. It was to make up for his emasculation.

I think that's a defense mechanism.

Right.

Are you expecting company?

Where the hell have you been?

Well, I had to sit down and do your mocks.

I tried to find you. I caught Ian Potter and Hayley Scott in here. They left a

little memento.

What are you going to ask me?

I'll spare you the details.

Oi! Oi!

Fuck him.

Don't piss about.

Open the door.

No prizes for getting who's behind this.

Fucking kill him.

Come on, Ian. Joke's a joke.

Calm down.

It's lunchtime.

We could be stuck in here for ages.

At least I'll be spared the delights of playground duty.

Hey, Ed!

Ed's out!

You're not panicking, are you? Oh, no, I'm fine.

Sure? Absolutely.

You've always been claustrophobic.

Fuck, I think I'm having a heart attack.

I haven't made a will.

Just take long, deep breaths.

OK.

They'll hurt and brine, they can have my bike.

I'm sure they'll be touched.

You won't tell anyone, will you?

If the kids find out, they'll use it against me.

They would, wouldn't they?

You wouldn't.

Depends. On what?

How much you're willing to grovel to me.

You're evil.

So you being nice to me was all an act? No. Oh, I was being genuine.

I'm not complete shit.

Really? You think I am?

Be honest.

Yes.

As well as being a hypocrite.

Fuck's sake, let me out of here!

I hear you.

We'll just have to wait.

Two outside my office now.

And the rest of you know where you should be.

Oliver, have you seen Miss Page?

No. Anyone?

Great.

Do you know how to give a heart massage?

No, but I'm quite good with feet.

Take your tie off.

Go on, then, enlighten me.

Why do you think I'm a hypocrite? And go easy.

You insulting and dying man.

Because you're trying to be my friend, but deep down you don't really want to

be.

Probably because you can't.

Why can't I?

Because you fancy me.

You'd rather take verbal swipes at me because it makes it easier for you.

What? Have you been talking to Susan about me? No.

So you don't fancy me? No, it's getting hard in here. Sure about that?

My eyeballs are sweating. I need a doctor. A psychiatrist, maybe, and stop

avoiding the question.

All right.

Maybe I do fancy, but I fancy loads of women.

Doesn't mean I'm going to do anything about it.

Good.

At least you've been honest.

Your turn.

Truth.

Why have you started to be nice to me lately?

You started it.

No, I didn't. You did.

Covering for me over coursework moderation, coming down the pub.

Smiling.

Truth?

Okay.

Because I suppose I want to be liked.

By me?

Not just by you.

I thought it was about time I made the effort to fit in more.

I think I've finally woken up to the fact that people have the wrong

of me.

Probably my fault.

So you're not the uptight ice maiden you make yourself out to be?

And you're not quite the hypocritical little shit I thought you were.

I was supposed to supervise the mugs in ten minutes.

Well, at least we know we can be honest with each other now.

Yeah, at least you know that even though I fancy you, you know I'm never going

to do anything about it.

Right. Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that because you don't want to or because you're scared to?

God, no.

I'm not scared to.

You sure about that?

Absolutely.

Well, definitely not.

Good.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sorry. I've got Maggie. I don't need to do

this. I'm very happy.

No, I'm really happy with her. Never been happier.

I'm wildly happy. So you're happy then?

Yeah.

Help! Someone!

Please! In here!

Simon? Oh, thank Christ!

What the hell are you doing in there?

Um... Chronic me, shy. What the fuck do you think I'm doing here? I'm locked in.

All right, keep your knickers on.

I'll get the key.

Look.

Look, Jenny, maybe it's... I'm sorry. Right.

Maybe it's best we forget that this ever happened.

Already forgotten.

Liz, you're safe yet? From the bike shift.

Not funny.

Gotta go. I'm late.

I'm just not making nothing.

And I really don't feel like that need.

I really don't mean that it's cool.

I just really want to be a natural.

I feel the same as I've been.

I used to be in a taxi.

There's something missing.

No.

Our chicken's gone.

Oh, yeah.

Where's Simon?

His stuff's gone.

Baby, it's all me.

Present. Yeah, it's lovely.

Much nicer than flowers.

I thought she'd brighten the place up a bit.

I'm moving in.

What?

Oh, Brian and Kurt have thrown you out, haven't they?

No, I just... I just thought it's about time I grew up a bit.

I want us to be, you know, a proper couple.

Say something, you're making me nervous.

OK, what about...

What makes you think you can turn up out of the blue with a chicken and announce

you're moving in?

Lucky guess.

That goes tomorrow, I throw you out.

Spoilsport.

So this moving in thing was all your own idea, was it?

Yep. No one talked you into it?

I've been known to think for myself, you know.

When?

Stop asking difficult questions.

OK.

I found two kids shagging in a cupboard today.

And who said romance was dead?

Although the lad said he couldn't go all the way.

I mean, he didn't want to. Well, he did, but he

decided not to.

Why not?

He's seen someone else.

Don't you think that shows incredible maturity?

What, shagging in a cupboard's mature?

Yeah, but he did a decent thing.

Well, what does he want, a medal?

The thing is, he's worried that the girl he was in the cupboard with might feel

rejected, hurt, you know?

Well, then he shouldn't have gone with her in the first place, should he?

Do you have to be so moral?

It's my job.

You're off juicy.

OK, so shag the censors then, better?

Yeah.

Now I'm here, you know what we should do?

We've just done it. Apart from that, we should have a flat -warming party.

Hey!

Genius!

Now, have I missed anyone out from your place?

Kurt, Brian, Susan, Jenny?

There's too many.

They won't all fit in.

You haven't got that many friends.

I was just thinking of inviting Brian and Kurt. That's enough, isn't it?

How many do you want?

More than two.

Look, I'll tell you what.

You invite you a lot, and I'll invite mine.

Please don't chicken back, you bastard.

Was it something we said?

I just felt like moving in with it, that's all.

No, no, no.

Shut the fuck up. I'm not inviting you to a flatwarming party.

When? Tonight.

I mean, I can't invite everyone, so keep it quiet. Yeah.

Simon's having a housewarming tonight, if you can't see it.

Something to do with Maggie.

Oh, any talent, though?

We are.

Come on.

Coming to Simon's party?

Flatwarming. He's moving in with Maggie.

I can't believe it when I see it.

No any nice looks you can drag along?

No. Won't you marry?

I know.

If any borderline sees you, let me know, OK?

And the other thing... Are you OK?

Fine, then.

You're not annoyed?

Should I be? Well, it's just... I don't know. You seem to have come to keep away

from me, shall I tell you?

Are you at the party tonight?

Yeah. What?

What I'm trying to say is it was a... I hated the moment thing. I didn't

deliberately... It's all right.

You don't need to explain.

Well, I'm glad you're taking it so well. I'm usually crap when it comes to being

rejected.

I think you're confusing rejection with embarrassment.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

It was obviously a momentary lapse in sanity due to oxygen deprivation.

See you tonight.

Try and drag Peter along.

Great. Oh, I haven't managed to speak to Ian and Hayley yet. Sorry.

It's OK.

We know you're busy.

Simon and I can talk to them if you like.

And don't worry, I won't come to your party.

No, well, come if you want to. I'd like you to.

I mean, it's probably not your kind of thing. It's not that special, but you're

welcome. I'll think about it.

...school isn't our concern.

But while you're here, you've got to act with some responsibility.

We did. We were going to use a condom.

That's not really the point, is it?

Exactly. The thing is, you've got to learn how to control yourselves.

Rip it.

Temptation.

Yeah, but you know what men are like.

They can't control themselves, can they?

Depends on the man, I suppose.

Some men can control themselves.

Can they? Yes, they can. Just take... willpower.

You're coming tonight, aren't you?

I don't think so.

You don't want to be sat in on your own, feeling sorry for yourself like a

complete sad case.

Have you ever thought about working for the Samaritans?

No.

Well, it won't be the same without you.

Maybe.

We haven't got time. Go.

Go.

Right.

Jenny not coming, then? Jenny?

No idea.

Oh, I'm dead.

Me?

Right.

Susan. Thank God.

I mean, come in. How's Peter?

I've killed him. Right, I'll get you a drink.

Yeah, thanks, Bea.

Hmm. They're a couple.

I like a challenge.

What can I get you?

Good shoes.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Simon? Jenny.

You.

Changed my mind.

Nothing on the telly anyway.

Of course, Abel.

Rather I weren't here.

Yeah, well, no, no, no.

Hi.

Jenny, isn't it? Nice to meet you properly at last. I'm glad you could

Did I tell you to close? Come on.

I'm going to meet everyone.

You can fill me in on what a nightmare it must have been with my boyfriend.

Everything all right?

Fine. I'm just telling Maggie about Ian and Hayley. Yeah, why did you say you

found them in the cupboard? Because Jenny did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she did. I was just embellishing. All right.

Well, can you get me a drink?

Uh, sorry, can't.

I'll tell you.

So you're alright, then?

You're asking that?

Right. Excellent.

How's Peter?

He's fine.

And?

Is there anything else you'd like to ask me that I completely ignore?

Whatever she told you about us. Me.

She's like that, ain't she?

Yeah. Jenny.

Always making stuff up.

Is she?

Yes.

Seems to me.

She probably just does it with me. Because she knows I don't like her.

Can't stand her. In fact, I hate her.

Really? That's what the impression she gave me.

Oh, she's lying.

Well, she said you'd be nice to her.

Well, I was pretending.

Well, that means you're the liar, not her.

Yeah, I'm lovely with it.

Now you are, though.

Here's a go, Brian.

I didn't know you did.

There's a lot you don't know about me.

God, I'll tell you who you fancy.

I don't have to fancy anyone here.

Get me another.

So what do you actually do?

Is it like a bloke and a bird? One of you just lays there while the other one

has all the work.

Back off, Kit.

Right.

Just go and ask.

I thought you'd have had some bloke chopped away somewhere.

Is that your best letter?

Yeah.

Thanks,

it was great. It was great. Come on, then.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah.

Do you think she's about to do something she'll regret?

What?

Probably.

I mean, it's none of our business what I get up to.

That's the cut of tequila.

Oh, you didn't imagine it.

I'm telling you, it was her.

Jenny and Brian.

I need another aspirin.

Well, you saw what she was like last night.

Fiverr says she doesn't turn up at all and goes back to her usual anal self.

Morning.

Yes, we did spend the night together. And yes, it was very good. And no, this

doesn't mean we're seeing each other.

You can continue gossiping about us now.

Copy, Brian.

Cheers.

Live?

See?

Brian can do it. Do what?

Be friendly to someone even when what he really wants to do is jump them.

Yeah, but that's why he's being nice to her. In case she changes her mind about

being a one -off.

Well, come on, then.

Tell us what she was like. And don't spare any of the details, starting with

ass.

Fantastic.

And?

Is that all we're getting?

Thanks, Sam.

Thanks for a great night, Simon.

I mean it, thanks.

Maggie's great.

You're lucky to have her.

Yeah, but then she's lucky to have me.

She told me she was worried you might be having second thoughts about moving in

with her.

I know.

Best thing I've ever done.

Do you mean that?

Yeah.

I believe you because that's the first time you haven't looked at my arse.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.