Original subtitles

Okay. Claire?

Them. Obviously.

So that means you wouldn't shag her? No way! I'd be compromising my principles.

That's the rule.

You don't shag the boss because she's one of them. Yeah, plus she's too old.

True.

What about Liz?

Them, so no.

You thought of one of us.

Oh, stop complicating things.

All right, Jenny, an us ass but a them attitude, so no, definitely not.

Have you ever noticed Claire's ass?

It looks a bit like a deer's.

Fuck off.

Right, if you had to have sex with an animal... Time to go.

Oh, come on, stay, it's early.

Peeked you on for a night of wild sex, really?

Don't be stupid, I'm married. Come on, stay.

I can't, early night, it could be Claire first thing.

What for?

Didn't I mention it?

I'm up for head of year.

What? You?

Susan, tell me you're not serious.

I'm serious.

But why? I mean, why?

More money, more kudos, more... Stop! I've heard enough.

Susan, don't do it. You can't. Why not?

Because you won't be one of us anymore. You'll be one of them.

You'll still be me.

Wrong. You'll be selling your soul to become a pawn of the establishment.

what you'll be.

Thank you for your support, partner. I knew you'd understand.

Traitor!

Who's round is it? Fuck it, that's put me right off my pipe.

I'm going to Maggie's.

How come we've never met this Maggie yet? She's... She's shy.

She's a fat pig, isn't she?

You're just jealous, cos I'm getting it, you're not.

Have fun, losers.

Oh, school.

Sadist.

You said you had the day off today.

I've got paperwork to catch up on.

It's called being professional.

Professional? No, you've lost me.

That's why you've got time for it. No, and neither have you.

And don't go back to sleep.

Sometimes I feel it, you know

this job consistently.

Thanks. Of course.

I won't be able to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing after Wednesday.

Right, right.

Am I supposed to know what you're on about?

Forget the job.

What job?

Or head of year.

It's going to be quite useful being in the classroom next door to you.

I'll be able to keep an eye on you.

Well, I was broken.

It was... Try again, Farman. All right, I switched it off and went back to

sleep. Give us your cash.

You ran a sweepstake on me. Yeah, I knew you wouldn't let me down.

I don't suppose anyone took registration, did they? As a matter of

Good stuff.

Right.

To make up for being late, we're going to do something different.

Like work?

Give that man a cigar.

A written test on what we've covered so far in Of Mice and Men.

Lift five of

George's positive qualities.

Is George scared of...

Lenny. You said Jenny.

Just a second.

Sir.

What?

When you say describe Curly's wife's dream, do you mean metaphorically or

literally? Because, you know, if you want us to use symbolism... Jeremy, it's

test.

I'm not allowed to help you.

Sorry, honey. I thought you'd fallen into a coma.

That's enough fun for one day.

Wasn't too painful, was it?

No, I really enjoyed that.

Are you being ironic?

No, I mean it.

Sorry, I shouldn't have asked.

Anything on Markham? Probably not.

If she gets the job, I'm resigning.

She's not that bad.

She's not in your year.

Once she makes a life hell for us, she'll be safe running round a field or

whatever. I don't just run around a field. No, be fair.

It does come time to stop to blow his whistle.

I work my bollock, though. Yeah, right.

You won't be saying that when I start teaching A -level next year.

Who would want to do a PA 11? Can we talk about something that actually

here? What the fuck are we going to do about Jenny?

You do realise you're panicking over nothing.

Whoever's misguided enough to take the job won't last five minutes. There's too

much to take on. If she gets it, that five minutes will be an eternity.

Can't you think of a way to stop her getting the job?

Short of killing her? No.

You must be in with a good chance, though.

Maybe.

Do you think they're open to bribery?

Doubt it.

I've already tried.

Good tactics.

Sleeping with the enemy.

I wouldn't go that far.

No, but it's a nice image, though.

She's actually been OK with me.

Fair fight, wasn't it?

Oh, my God, she's brainwashed you.

Susan, you have to get the job. They can't give it to her.

What happens if you get it? You'll be selling your soul to become a sad pawn

the establishment.

I was being ironic.

You don't think I'm mad to go for it? It's a fable, but I'd rather you got it

than Cruella.

If I were you, I'd start being nice to her, just in case I don't get it.

Nice? You could start by apologising to her for the row you had.

Oh, God, it's humiliating.

I just have to hope she doesn't get the job.

Anyway, I don't know what you're getting so wound up about. How bad could it be?

I'm not wound up.

Something wrong?

No, I was just thinking.

I'm sure the novelty will wear off.

Look, I wanted to, you know, talk to you.

About what?

Shut it!

They can wait.

You are using disgusting language. Will you look at me? And you're using words

you don't know. I shouldn't. Oh, go on, then. I'm having a shit day.

Late night.

Yeah, the bust up with Sonia.

Jennings.

Year 12.

Wow.

Fit bell, some might say.

So, it's all over then?

Yeah, unless I apologise.

Even though she started it.

The thing about women is, when you apologise to them, you have to make them

think they've got power over you, without actually letting them have the

over you.

Why do I do that?

God knows.

But let me know if you find out.

In corridors.

Goodbye.

I owe you an apology.

About what?

Sorry? What are you apologising for? Your existence?

Yeah, right. I mean, no, you know, that thing. What thing?

Did you walk any slower?

If I walk any slower, I'll stop.

You know, that thing I said the other day.

Stupid. You say a few stupid things.

You'll have to help me out.

You know, when I said...

You boring.

Sorry.

Is that it?

Yeah.

Apart from that other thing.

You know, when I... When I said I wanted to sleep with you.

Can we forget it ever happened?

I'll do my best.

Although I'm not usually forgetful.

It's just a joke.

Forgive me for not laughing.

Although the real joke is I don't even fancy it.

You are so not my type. In fact, I don't find you attractive at all. Really?

You're cold, standoffish, self -obsessed. I think you've made your

Condescending, patronising, reptilian. I think you've made your point.

But if you think that, why did you say it?

Because it was a bet I had with Brian on how you'd react. I said you'd slap me,

he said you wouldn't. A bet?

It's his idea, not mine.

See, the thing is, I think he might fancy you.

Brian? Yeah, he's not very good around women, you know. See?

Ah,

trying to give him up.

Well, I did it.

What? Apologise to Cruella.

I knew you'd say that.

I'm grovelling to that. Not a scratch.

You want me to change your wits, you brute?

Nope.

Oh, so they gave her an honest apology. She was all right about it, actually.

Does this mean you don't want her to disappear into a vat of boiling oil

anymore? I don't hate her that much.

Where are you going?

See if I can stop the scheming bitch from getting a job.

Have I

seen you? So is she wearing eye shadow?

She's got a date. You're joking.

Yes.

I heard her talking

on the phone before about Jenny.

No good things, I hope.

Rape love.

Although, as you know, I'm completely impartial about the condescending ice

cream.

There's nothing fair about her.

Miss Page... Oi!

Where's my Mars bar?

Right, so you're Claire?

OK, go.

So, why exactly do you think you should be made head of here?

Because... I feel I've reached the stage in my career where I need a new

challenge, and... Shit, that sounds crap, doesn't it? Keep going.

And... Thought it. Can I just say, give me the job, bitch?

No, I'm using that line.

Okay,

my go. This is inspired.

Margaret Beckett or Sharon Stone with weeping cold sores. Full -blown scabies

a built -up shoe.

Do we have to do this?

Yes. Got to be Margaret Beckett.

Oh, you think that?

Okay,

Carol or Britney Spears with acne, chronic flatulence and a hairy back.

Britney Spears.

How hairy are we talking?

Like an orangutan.

That's one.

I worry about you sometimes.

Claire, can I talk to you?

Is it urgent?

Oh, I just wondered what you thought about me teaching A -level next year.

Sorry, Brian. I thought you were joking.

All the schools are doing A -level, P .A. A -S -level. So I believe. Ken, PTA

next Thursday. Can you go? Yeah, sure. Good man.

No,

that'll be fine. Can you do that for me? I'll do that for you. Kurt, there's IT

receipts for Friday. Susan, you forgot?

So, what do you think?

What? Simon?

See what response you get to the idea of parents leaving tomorrow.

Right. Excellent.

Arnie Lawson's in your tutorial group, isn't he?

I think we might have a bit of a problem.

Have we?

Jenny's just caught him with cannabis.

What did he say, exactly?

Oh, he sure does.

Claims he's the only one that smoked it.

Well, he could be telling the truth.

Should I have a word with him?

Might be better if someone else talks to him.

Susan would be good. The kids respect her. I was thinking along the lines of

someone from the police.

That'll put the wind up him, hopefully.

The police?

Well, you need to sit in on it. And Jenny, of course. Jenny?

Well, she is acting head of year. Look, I'll let you know when the police can

come in. They'll deal with it.

They're just bringing the Gestapo. It's the only bit of dope we're talking

about, for Christ's sake.

Oh, look, is this going to go on all night?

I'm just trying.

You're supposed to be sympathetic.

Well, I am. I just, you know, can think of better things to do than listening to

you rant on and on. Such as?

Oh, Barry David Beckham.

Well, I thought they were mine. It was dark when I put them on pitch black. It

was morning.

My eyes closed.

What?

Second to see you're not wearing my bra as well.

I thought you said you felt better. I do.

Then stop doing that. What? That thing with your foot.

I can't help it.

Oh, look, Simon, I don't know why you're so wound up about this drug thing.

You're not the one in trouble, are you?

That form -tooth that reflects on me makes me look irresponsible.

Well, you are.

Pedant.

Look, would it make it easier if I spoke to this Arnie geezer?

You? What?

Here?

Um, don't think talking to him in bed is a good idea.

But I could, um, I don't know, meet up with him for an off -the -record chat.

Off -the -record?

So it wouldn't go any further?

Has anyone ever told you you're a genius? Well, they don't need to.

So, I'll see what I can do, yeah?

Thanks.

Yeah.

Looking for someone?

Jenny. Another apology?

I have been known to have a conversation with her without being insulted.

When? Stop asking trick questions. I meant to ask, how did the attempt to

her getting the job go? Not that I approve of your underhand methods.

Badly. I can't rely on you for anything, can I?

Miss Page! Miss Page!

I just wanted to let you know the Arnie thing's been sorted.

Has it? Yeah, I got in touch with the police. They're going to bring someone

to talk to you.

Is there any response for Arnie?

Well, as Arnie's formed, I think I should be.

Does this sudden attack of responsibility extend to you handing in

time? Very good, very good.

Anyway, we probably won't need to be involved. Best leave it to the police,

yeah? What about Karen?

What about her?

Look!

Are you going to tell them tonight?

Tonight?

Parents' evening.

Is that really necessary?

What they don't know can't hurt.

Don't you think they've got a right to know?

Well, it's up to Arnie to tell them if he wants to. Like that's going to

It's up to us to tell them.

Oh, no, you're right.

I'll tell them. Leave it to me. Yeah, all right.

I didn't feel much, but you'd trust me just this once. Yeah.

Still, I suppose it's the first time for everything.

You've marked them?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't worry.

I don't know.

You haven't got a knife like that.

Give me half the lesson.

A few things.

First, don't worry about your mum and dad finding out or thought it.

OK. What's the second?

Claire's got the police involved.

It's OK.

Cool. I think I've managed to get this policewoman in and out to talk to you.

Well, more of a chat, really.

Your mate's with a copper.

What?

Mate? Exactly. I've only met her a couple of times. It's that. In fact, I

know her.

But she's all right.

So I've heard.

Simon, she's a copper.

Yeah, but she's all right for a copper.

You know what I mean?

Anyway, the point is... Just don't mention I was smoking dope, yeah?

Of course it was.

You know by now I don't respond to bribes. Straight A? Deal.

Who says women can't throw?

Don't your knuckles get sore from dragging along the ground.

I'm home!

Oh, is that water?

You're just incredibly nervous.

Now, fuck with Jason Holmes.

I'm talking water, Bob.

Got me the other way, if you can take any consolation.

No, what's that?

I'm going to get that little shit.

Oh, are you going to make a water bomb? No.

Napalm. What year is he in?

Well, you should know. You're going to have the pleasure of his parents'

tonight. What, Jason Holmes?

What does he look like?

An evil little bastard.

You're well prepared for parents' evening, aren't you?

OK.

Stacey Walker.

Stacey.

I need alcohol. It's a conference show. It's tough. Come on.

It's Dee Walker.

Got it.

Maggie Brunette. Above average coursework excellence. She's a high

Close. Except he's below average in his coursework.

Doesn't matter. I'm in a poncy name.

You've had a hit, sir.

I'm with you on this Jenny situation.

Come back.

No idea what we're doing. She gets the job. I'm resigning as well.

We can try voodoo stuff.

What happened to her? She's not that bad.

She must have been hallucinating or something. She keeps giving me dirty

Could be reverse psychology. She's actually giving you the eye.

It could be a squint.

Is it my imagination or does Brian keep looking at me?

Um, no, you're not imagining it.

Mind you, they all fancy you.

If that's meant to make me feel good, believe me, it doesn't.

Has Brian come on to you, then? No, thank God.

The way he keeps looking at you, I think he might be building up to it.

Now you're really scaring me.

Probably best nip it in the bud before he does anything about it.

Tell him you're on for a serious relationship.

You won't see him. Darn it.

Come on, then, touch me.

Is there any point?

Don't piss about. Come on.

David Wax.

Ah, well, back to the darling little brooders.

David Banks, year 11.

Brilliant left winger.

Had a trial with Rovers.

Great future. Left last term to go to a grammar.

Ungrateful little bastard.

You do realise it's a complete waste of time. You know none.

We'll see.

Right, how do we do?

Excerpt rate of 40 cents.

Ah, no quick eye.

We're walking.

Who's that?

Who the fuck is that?

And you are... The parents.

The parents of... Our son.

Mine.

He's done really well this term. Good grades.

The school secretary typed up these reports for me. He's a hopeless speller.

The Czech.

How are you spelling the name?

T...

I'm afraid Kelly seems to think that telling jokes to the rest of the class

more important than listening to me.

Perhaps you'd like to tell us why that is, Kelly?

Because your lessons are boring.

Come on, don't beat about the bush.

All right, you're boring.

Tell me what I can do to make the lessons more interesting for you, then.

Move me into Simon's class. He's a lark.

He's one of the brightest in his year.

Brilliant imagination.

Composition's outstanding.

Straight A's.

Sorry to interrupt.

Thought I should sit in on this, if that's OK.

Well, actually, we... We didn't realise how well Arnie's been doing at school.

I think that just about covers everything.

Does it? I'd say so.

So, you've mentioned to Mr and Mrs Lawson about the incident yesterday.

What incident?

I'm afraid I caught your son with cannabis on him. It was only a beard,

apparently. Hardly anything.

That's not the point, is it? Arnie's not the only one that smokes it, then, is

he? It's just he's the only one who's been caught.

Do others smoke it?

Sometimes. Who?

Everyone. Well, there you go, then. Simon's asked someone from the police to

come and talk to him.

I didn't want to.

It was Claire... Mrs Hunter's idea, really. Was it?

Oh, I don't know. Look, does it really matter? It's being sorted, OK?

All I'm concerned about is the effect it could have on his schoolwork. He's got

straight A's, for God's sake.

Look, can you two make up your minds? Is our son a genius or a delinquent?

It will be. Trust me.

Stop!

Right, next question.

What are your plans for low achievers?

Fiddle those them up. Susan.

It's a joke.

This is serious. We're relying on you to beat that hard -faced cow.

Why have you got such a down on Jenny?

Because she's a hard -faced cow.

Nice others, though.

Sorry. Come on, answer the question.

What the fuck's she doing here?

I invited her. Not a problem, is it?

Can I get anyone a drink?

We were just leaving. Yeah, yeah, just in our way.

Thanks, Jenny.

Two lagers, a lager top with limon and scotch.

Who's doing anything wildly exciting tonight?

What about you, Jenny?

I do go out. Once again, you're on your charisma injection.

Do you ever manage to say anything remotely adult?

My dad's bigger than yours.

I give up.

And you dealt with the Arnie situation with such maturity, snitch. How mature

was it to bottle out of telling his parents, coward?

Do you think masochists beat themselves up about being masochists?

Huh?

You don't have to be so rude to her.

No, I just do it for fun.

I'm surprised that you, Brian, I thought you fancied her.

I don't fancy her.

I mean, I'd shag her, but I don't fancy her. Yeah, same here.

Do I need to remind you of why you should be nice to her?

No.

Yes. Well, she gets the job.

It's only a matter of time before she starts to set her sights higher.

You mean she could take over from Bob?

Then possibly Claire.

Reminds me.

I want to go to the kitchen.

Wallace, and what's his name?

Like it? Where's my table of football?

Sold it. What?

They're Molly's favourite.

You are right about this, aren't you?

Well, I prefer all things looking and tasteful like that.

About Marcella and Molly moving in.

It's fine.

Marcella's okay, and Molly's... a little person.

It's great. My little people.

Apart from that dwarf in Don't Look Now.

Molly hasn't got a red coat, has she?

Someone's breaking in.

She's got a key.

She got tired of climbing through the window.

Oh, wow, yes, she'll love it.

Oh, I thought I'd cook dinner tonight, if that's OK.

Thanks for Maggie's cooking for me.

She's even got her own key now.

She was using my kitchen.

I mean, who the hell does she think she is?

Your future stepmother.

Long for this Arnie thing, Samara? Yeah, sorted.

Coming in at 2 .30. Coming in?

You mean to school?

No, I thought I'd stand outside and use semaphore.

Why, is that not OK?

Yeah, fine.

Fine. I've been thinking.

Although it's just an informal chat you're going to have with Arnie, maybe

shouldn't be too informal, do you know what I mean?

Well, not really.

I mean, maybe you shouldn't tell him you're my girlfriend.

What, you mean you want me to lie, hypocrite?

Not lie so much as... Yeah, lie.

I mean, if he knows, he'll undermine your authority. He won't take you

seriously.

Well, I suppose so.

Do you want me to lie about you being a responsible teacher as well?

You don't have to lie.

I must do all the try.

What do you want to try? I want to try it all.

How was parents' evening?

Terrible. Bastards all turned up.

Didn't see you, Brian.

I had one or two.

One. Now it's two after the toilets were... Never mind, eh? Maybe next year.

Me. I want you to do something for me.

Anything but contract killing.

Oh, well. We plan B, then.

When they have the head of your interviews, tell me what's happening.

You mean you want me to listen in? Yeah.

Like I wouldn't anyway.

If I'm up here, I'll run through.

Right. Anything else? No.

Yeah, you're honest to the point of being hurtful. Do you think I'm ever too

faced? You know, a hypocrite.

Yeah, of course you are. Really?

Good. That's why I like you.

Good luck, Susan. I hope you get it.

Sorry?

They didn't tell me you were thinking about sex.

Sex? Men think about it every six seconds, apparently. For the other side,

try to think about something else until they can think about sex.

Again. Not all men are obsessed with sex.

Nope. Some are dead.

So, you gonna tell me what's wrong?

No.

Yeah, do you think I'm a hypocrite?

In relation to what? In relation to everything.

Do you want me to lie to make you feel good?

No. Yes.

I want you to lie.

No, then.

Lang.

You know the drill, yeah?

I do know how to eavesdrop. I'm a professional.

Sounds like the elephant man.

You should hear her when she eats the pot noodles.

Call me as soon as you've heard, yeah?

And don't forget my Mars bar.

Nervous? I'm fine.

Were you about to wish me luck?

Goes without saying.

That'll be why you haven't said it then.

We're running a bit behind.

Sorry. No problem.

By the way, Arnie Lawson.

I've decided the talk should be to the whole year.

Sorry? I've had his parents on to me. They don't see why it should be singled

out. But I... They've got a point.

Supposing you've got someone who's done something seriously wrong.

A third of year. How would you deal with it?

It depends what they've done.

Threatening behaviour.

Violence. Drugs.

Teacher or pupil.

Sorry. If it was violence, I'd make sure I involved you.

I think that puts the message out clearly that the school won't tolerate

sort of behaviour.

What if it was drugs?

Initially, I'd try to deal with it myself, put myself in their place, tell

I did the same thing when I was young.

I might decide to get the parents involved, depending on what they like. I

let's face it, some of them make Genghis Khan look like a well -meaning bloke

who just went off the rails a bit.

In which case, they'd only be making things worse for the pupil.

Rules are there for a reason.

Whilst I don't want to come across as some sort of ogre, which I'm not, by the

way. I mean, I can't watch the Waltons without a box of tissues handy.

You've got to let them know who's boss, or they'll just run rings round you.

OK, so you might not win any popularity contests with the kids, but staying in

control is what counts.

Thanks to Paige, I've been grounded for a week.

Women, eh?

Yeah, well, they didn't want to.

I think because you let it blow up in public, they thought they had to do

something. This drugs talks for the whole year, not just you.

You're off the hook now. You should be grateful.

I suppose.

A bit wound up, aren't we? No, I'm fine.

Well, I took your advice.

Did it work?

No. But we are back together again.

Serious stuff, then?

Yeah. Might get a place together when we've left school.

What, you're 16, for God's sake?

Oh. Don't you live with your girlfriend?

No. Best way, believe me.

Why? Well, because... It's...

What everyone expects you to do, it's conventional.

I'm just not like that.

And what about her?

She's not like that either.

What is she like?

She's, uh... enigmatic.

You mean you don't know what the fuck she's on about half the time? No, no,

I'm saying is that you just can't judge a book by its cover, do you know what I

mean?

No, not really.

Never mind.

Go on.

We've got an anti -drugs talk to attentively listen to.

Hey.

I don't know why, but I'm laughing at all these kids' respect to the police.

Yeah.

Aren't you? Some coppers are all right.

Are you OK?

Well, one or two, then. One, maybe.

She was a bravo. She was all right.

Except she was a fictional character.

Well, yeah, but there's probably a policewoman out there just like her.

There could be.

I hate to tell you this, but the teletubbies aren't real either.

Try and act like you haven't heard this all before.

You never know when I'd actually enjoy it. You're right.

So, ultimately, it won't just be your life you're affecting.

It'll also affect the lives of those around you, the people you love.

The bottom line is, I'm not going to tell you to just say no.

You have to make your own choices, so just make sure that they're the right

ones.

Okay.

That's it.

Thank you, Sergeant Peter.

I hope you've all taken that in.

Okay, off to your next lesson.

Quietly, please.

That was excellent.

Well done for staying awake.

It was a pleasure.

It was good.

Oh, good enough to take me for a drink tonight, then.

Oh, sorry, I'm Maggie.

Please don't miss me. Jenny, I'll see you out.

OK, see you later.

Well, that anti -authority bullshit. He's going out with a policewoman.

What are you doing?

I don't think you're going to tell them who you are.

Well, I thought you meant your students. I didn't realise you meant your

colleagues as well.

It's pretty you didn't think they had time to stay and chat.

Well, I know how busy you are. Yeah, exactly. I took time out to come over to

the favour to you.

I know, and I'm really grateful. You were brilliant.

Do you think she handcuffed him to the bed?

I'll see you later, mate.

So, are you on for a drink tonight? Yeah?

Well, I may have to do overtime, actually.

Well, I'll call you.

Yep. See ya. See ya.

Did you notice that Simon didn't introduce us to Maggie before?

Just whisked her away.

I don't know why. She seemed really nice.

I think I might know why.

Maybe I shouldn't say anything.

Maybe you should.

He made a pass at me.

Oh, that's just Simon. He was only joking.

Didn't look like a joke to me.

Do come in.

It's me.

The eagles have flown back in the nest.

They're in with Claire now.

Come on, what is it, then? Is it the uniform?

Got to be. Do you, like, get to leave it on in bed?

Does she wear stockings underneath? Can you just forget about the fact she

happens to be a policewoman?

She's just a normal female like any of them in here.

Well, Liz?

On the way here.

Well?

What do you mean you don't know who got it? Liz, don't do this to me.

Sorry? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course I'll go you want.

Got to go.

If you could spare a moment.

It's hard to tell.

After seeing both candidates, both of whom were excellent, I'd like to take

opportunity to publicly welcome Susan.

Shall I take you for a celebration with Shandy? I'm going for a drink with

Jenny. Join us if you want.

Well, I'll save it for another night, yeah.

Oh, look.

What's that?

What time do you finish?

Do I have to spend all my hard -earned pittance on a slap -up meal?

Can't. I told you I'm working.

No. Gotta go.

So you won't come for a drink?

I can't. I've got stuff to do.

With your policewoman?

Don't worry, Simon. I'm sure it won't affect your street cred.