Original subtitles

We're going to find

our way together.

To learn all about those things you just can't find.

The two silver spoons together.

Did I just hear another fidget widget fanfare? You sure did. I just put

one together.

Another one?

Dad, that's amazing.

I haven't even come close to putting one of them together.

Well, son, you know I've always had a certain hand -eye coordination, your

depth, visual perception.

You also invented the stupid thing.

Well, that helps.

I'll get it.

You know, Dad, I've never seen you so excited about one of your toys. Hey,

never had a toy with such a big head before.

You know our commercial.

Get with it.

Fidget with a fidget widget.

Mr. Edward Stratton?

No, he's right in here. Come on in.

You're Edward Stratton? Yeah, it's me. This is for you, sir.

Oh, what is it? A summons.

A what?

My client, Derek Marshall, is suing you for $10 million.

What? $10 million?

Dad, what did you do?

It is our contention that your fidget widget is a direct ripoff of my client's

Goofy Cube.

That's impossible. I invented the fidget widget all by myself in the Eddie Toys

lab. I swear. You'll get your chance to swear in court.

Oh, this is terrible.

My company has sold millions of these. My wife's going to Washington to

negotiate the foreign rights today.

The lawsuit's going to ruin everything.

Is there anything my dad can do?

Well, there is one thing.

You could take this lawsuit and all correspondence relating to it. Yeah?

Put it all in a brown paper bag.

A brown paper bag.

Then swing it over your head and cackle like a chicken.

April fools!

Got you.

Look, line and sinker.

You dirty... Dad, this is Larry. He works in the butcher shop.

Oh.

I thought I smelled pork chops.

Oh, I'd better get to work.

Well, Larry, thanks a lot. You were great. Oh, any time.

I don't believe you went to all that trouble to pull an April Fool's joke.

come on, Dad. After how you got me last year?

Itching powder in my jockey shorts.

Yeah, that was great.

Well, just remember, April Fool's lasts all day long.

Well, thanks for telling me, because now I'll be watching out for you.

There's no way you're going to get me, Dad.

Yeah, we'll see.

No, no, no. No way.

Well, I'm on my way.

Here's the number where I can be reached.

So what are you going to do tonight while I'm gone?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe catch up on my reading, watch a little TV?

Well, if you get lonely, why don't you give Dexter a call? Or maybe you could

call one of your other friends.

Yeah, maybe I'll pull out my little black book.

Well, it's hard to read a little black book with two black eyes.

Like I said, I'll watch TV.

Hey, Rick, there's a letter here for you.

Oh, come on, Dad. I'm not going to fall for that old gag.

It's not an April Fool's joke. It's a letter.

It is?

A little suspicious, are we?

Well, Dad, do you blame me?

Hey, bud, since Kate's away tonight, why don't you and me take in a movie

together, huh? We can go down to that place with the eight movies in it, the

Octoplex. Uh -uh. No, no, no. Dad, I'm not falling for that trick.

For what? The old take them down to the Octoplex and drive away trick.

No way.

Will you stop this? Come on. I just want to spend some time with my son.

Well, Dad, I can't tonight, really. I'm awfully busy.

Well, what if I tag along?

Well, Dad, I'm going down to the mall with my buddies, you know, pick up

Great. When do we leave?

Just kidding.

Okay.

You go ahead.

Have a good time.

I'll be fine.

Well, okay then. See you later, Dad.

how to play the piano.

People! Ha -ha!

Dax, say, am I glad to see you.

Well, it's nice to see you, too. Listen, I just came by with these papers for

Kate. Will you see that she gets them as soon as she returns? Sure will. Hey,

what's your big hurry, guy, huh?

Why don't you hang around a while? Come on, we can make a night of it. Hey, we

haven't done that in ages.

Done what?

You know, sat around in our undershirts, drank some beer.

Watching the wrestling on the tube?

Well, I sort of had a date.

No problem.

Bring her over. Oh, she'd love that. The three of us sitting around in

undershirts drinking beer.

Yeah. That wouldn't be so good, huh?

Well, have a good time. I'm planning on it.

You know what I'm going to do?

this is a good opportunity for me to call a bunch of my old pals. You know, I

got guys I haven't seen in years, a Rolodex full of them. That's the spirit,

Edward. Reach out and touch someone.

That's what I'm going to do.

All righty, all righty. Let's see here. We'll start right in on the A's.

Anderson, Joe Anderson. Boy, I haven't seen him in years.

Zabriskie.

Yeah, hello. Is this the Briskey residence?

Zach? Hey, this is Ed Stratton.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Yeah, you doing anything tonight? Are you busy?

I'm not either. Hey, what was the name of that little jazz club that we used to

hang around in over in Freeport?

The Mellow Note. That was the one? Yeah.

You want to meet me there? You want to have a couple of drinks or something? We

could listen to some cool jazz.

What?

Eight o 'clock?

Well, I'll wait for you.

Okay, yeah, there's always something fun happening at the Mellow Note.

Boy, this place has sure changed in the last ten years.

Life has changed. What do you have?

Oh, uh, uh, uh, Brandy Alexander.

How come I'm not surprised?

Maybe I'll just have a beer.

Thank you. You know, I used to come into this place and...

Hi.

I'm Darla.

You want to play?

Huh?

Who?

I'm waiting for someone.

Aren't we all?

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm drinking this one.

Then why don't you buy me one?

Oh, sure, sure.

Here, what are you drinking?

Just a Perrier with a double shot of vodka.

a little eight ball?

Dollar a game?

Buck a game?

Sure.

Oh!

You win again.

That's wide.

$20?

I'm afraid so.

You're fast, Eddie.

Fast, Eddie. Great nickname.

Come on, you keep practicing. You're going to get there. I know. I can feel

myself getting better as we're playing now.

Yeah, it's going to take a little more. I know I could beat you.

Well, now.

Let's up the stake.

Your funeral.

eight ball corner pocket

you owe me 400

bucks yeah unless you want to make it double or nothing no

no no no i i think i'll just uh settle up right now

let's drink

I can't find my wallet.

Now, wait a minute. Now, I put my wallet in my jacket.

And I took it off the play pool and I put it right here on this chair next to

Darla.

Darla, where's Darla?

Oh, great.

Lost your wallet. Gee, that's too bad.

Yeah, for you.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Come on, guys.

We can work this out. We're reasonable men.

Aren't we?

Of course we are.

You give me my money and Jake here doesn't stuff you in the corner pocket.

No, no, no. Look, I'm good for it. Come on, honest.

I'm Edward Stratton III.

And I'm Henry VIII.

Off with his head.

I've got the money.

Where?

At home.

In my safe.

And I suppose you want us to let you leave so you can go get the money and

it back here.

Perfect, and I won't be more than 20 minutes.

I don't think so.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, fine, fine.

Could I make a phone call?

Even the police let you do that.

Be my guest.

Thank you.

Could I borrow a quarter?

How could you be so stupid?

We were this close to getting somewhere with those girls.

Hey, I gave them my best line.

Brad, that wasn't a good line.

Yo, babes, you want to go mud wrestling?

Brad, I'll get it.

Hello? Rick, thank God you're there.

Dad? Yeah, I was afraid you'd still be out, son.

Oh, no, we're home early.

Thanks to Brad.

So, where are you?

I'm over in Freeport at a bar called Mellow Note.

Now, listen, would you do me a favor, son?

A favor?

Yeah. See, this woman stole my wallet.

A woman stole your wallet?

Yeah, and I want you to go to the safe and get out $400.

$400?

Yeah, son, just get the money. Bring it over to the Mellow Note. It's at 537

Chapman Street.

Dad, should I put this in a brown paper bag and cackle like a chicken?

What? You know, Dad, you've got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull

one over on the ricker.

Listen, ricker.

Well, Dad, it was a nice try, but better luck next time.

He thinks I'm playing a practical joke on him. You know, April Fools.

Well, you see, we play jokes on each other all the time. You know, this

he sent a butcher to give me a summons.

Of course, I didn't know it was the butcher.

I should have known. It smelled like pork chops.

Anyway, I decided that if we're going to have all night... Enough. You're giving

me a headache.

There's got to be a simple solution.

I agree.

Break his fingers.

What? No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm meeting someone here, Zach

Zabriskie. He'll give me the money.

Start with his thumb.

No, no, no, no, no.

Please, let me make another phone call. I can't do that with broken fingers.

Okay, go ahead.

But let's not make this an all -night affair.

Thank you.

Listen, I didn't want to call you, but you're my last hope, and these guys play

rough. It's only $400, so if you would just... Hello?

Some friend.

It was my father.

There he is! Zack!

Ha -ha! I told you he'd be here!

Go ahead.

Right!

See you too, Edward.

Boy, you look great. You haven't changed a bit.

You made him still bald.

Oh, come on. I never thought of you as bald, old buddy.

Well, how's business? Good.

How's Sheila? Fine. Can I borrow $400?

What? Zach, I know this sounds a little crazy, but see those guys over there?

I owe them some money.

Oh.

So, that's the reason you called me up after all these years.

What? No, no, Zach. This happened after I called you. I promise. I swear.

Well, I'm not surprised you're broke.

If anyone was going to squander fortune, it was going to be Crazy Eddie.

I'm not broke.

I didn't squander anything.

It was a pool game.

Oh, of course.

Gambling.

Many a million has been lost that way.

It was all... Only $400, and that's all I need.

$400. Now, come on, Zach.

Do it for an old friend.

I'm not giving you the money.

What? You what?

It's the only way you're going to learn from this experience.

Yeah, but you can't go through life expecting people to bail you out.

I'm not, Zach!

You'll thank me for this later.

No, I won't, Baldy!

Time's up.

Oh, no, wait, wait. Okay, now, guys, come on. You can't break my fingers.

I'm a surgeon.

Just do the legs.

Quick!

It's my son. Can I be excused?

Oh, buddy.

What a toilet.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. Now, did you bring the money? We sure did. Here.

Good, good.

Hey, ho, ho.

Well, if somebody didn't believe me, you got here in a hurry.

Well, Dad, when I saw your car was gone, you realized you might have done

something dumb after all.

Well, Dad, what happened?

Oh, it was just a friendly little pool game. You know, a bunch of guys playing,

making some bets.

You got hustled? Yeah.

Here you are, the entire amount. I told you I was good for it.

You wouldn't care to try to win it back, would you?

No, I wouldn't.

You know, I play a little pool.

Brad!

Guys, let's just get out of here, huh?

Say, uh... What's that?

It's a fidget widget.

The latest... thing.

How does it work?

Isn't that... You're supposed to line up all the shapes on one side.

Oh, kid's toy.

Oh, yeah?

It's not so easy.

Though Jake here's pretty good.

I could do that in two minutes.

You think?

Come on, any toddler could.

You care to make a little wager on that?

No, no.

No, I don't think so. Double or nothing.

Well... So, you see, Kate, when Dad asked me to bring all that cash, I

he was trying to play a practical joke on me.

Oh, well, you should have known your father wouldn't lie.

That's what I told him. Yeah.

And to think the whole thing started because some guy stole your wallet.

Tsk, tsk, whatever happened to honesty?

Well, all's well that ends well.

I want enough cash to choke a horse.

Or an elephant.

Yeah. Rick, you want to put this back in the safe for me, bud? Sure, Dad.

Do I get a 20?