Original subtitles

Alan, tea.

Tea, Alan.

Alan, cup of tea.

Good morning, darling.

Oh, you're over this side. Oh, you're on.

Did you say something?

Cup of tea.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, no biggie.

Don't you know what day it is?

Friday. Yes, but what special day?

Ah, let me see.

Do I get a bicky if I get it right?

No.

Well, what am I bothering for then? Come on, give us a bicky. The reason you

don't have a bicky is because it's diet day.

Oh, of course. How silly of me, yes.

Crash diet day.

Quite.

Nothing to eat at all day.

Absolutely nothing at all. Exactly.

Not even a bicky? Oh, well.

Come on, old thing, I'm only joking. Look, don't worry, I'm going to go

with it.

It's nothing new. I haven't attempted it before.

Yes, I know. You ended up half a pound heavier than when you started.

Ah, but they were mitigating circumstances.

I'd hardly call the fact that you had your socks on mitigating circumstances.

And that was the only difference.

On Tuesday at the weigh -in, you clocked 15 stone two and a half with nothing

on. And on Wednesday, you were 15 stone three with your socks on.

And as you're supposed to lose five pounds a day on that diet, it means that

socks would have to weigh five and a half pounds.

What each?

Well, if we're talking about those blue ones that were knitted by your Auntie

Flora, you could be right.

It's like walking about in heavy -duty gumboots.

They're pure wool.

Are they? No wonder sheep get knock -kneed.

Anyway, they weren't the ones. They were your green ones.

Are you sure?

Darling, the scene is indelibly engraved on my memory.

You standing on the scales in nothing but your green socks, peering over that

great tummy of yours, and muttering, I just don't... see it. I just don't see

it.

I was referring to the apparent increase in weight.

I remember the socks distinctly because it reminded me of that blue movie they

showed at Bill and Nora's house.

Do you remember the night she broke her ankle?

Was that the title of it?

No, silly.

Nora broke her ankle.

Oh, damn good, that, yes.

Nora didn't think so. No, I mean the film, I think.

Well, I'm off. Now, promise... What do you want me to do? Swear it with my hand

on the good food guide, or what?

I worry about your heart, you know. There's no need to worry about my heart,

thing. The main thing is it's in the right place.

I don't know how you can tell under all that lot.

And your heart's gold. It's nearly nine.

All right, all right.

my dressing gown?

It's on its way to the cleaners. Oh, is it?

Good God, what's this? Are you leaving me?

What? Well, the cases. Back to mother, is it?

Oh, no, this one's cleaners and that's for the war on want shop.

Oh, I see.

Odd thing, that, isn't it?

Saving up your rubbish and giving it to the poor of the world. I wonder what the

hell they do with it all.

I get this terrible picture of some Middle Eastern gent strolling about in

blazing noonday sun in my old football shorts.

With a broken golf club under one arm.

reading the Christmas edition of Country Life.

What have you put in it this time, eh?

Don't undo all that, Alan. I'm just going.

Well, there might be something in there that I need, you'll think.

Well, you can always go round there and buy it back again. It's all in a good

cause. Well, that means they get it twice, don't they? I mean, once when you

give it to them, and once when you give them the money to buy something back

you've already... That's three times, as a matter of fact.

Damn good racket, that is.

Don't be so mercenary, Alan.

Think of all those poor people. How would you like to be starving?

Well, I am starving. At least I'm going to be in about 20 minutes.

Well, that's out of choice.

No, it's not out of choice. It's because you keep saying I'm too fat.

However, I shall soldier on, in spite of the fact I used to be in the Navy.

I especially put aside today to do battle with the bulge.

I shall fight the flab with Terry Wogan.

Then later on, I shall book with Becca, and who knows, if I'm still surviving by

news at ten, I shall probably roll about with Reginald Bersenghet. And nothing

to eat. Nothing to eat. Don't you trust me? No. Bye.

Bye -bye.

Oh, if you come back tonight and find nobody here, it's probably me standing

sideways.

Bye.

It's all in the mind.

Dear, if it makes that feel better.

Now then.

Good morning, Housewives. Good morning, Jim.

Sorry about the egg, but I do mean business.

My grandmother taught me how to suck eggs when I was eight.

I knew it would come in useful eventually.

Marion. P .S. Don't forget to turn off the gas.

What a rotten trick.

What a dirty rotten trick!

That's an absolutely rotten thing to do. Oh, what a rotter.

How could she be as rotten as to do a rotten thing like that?

Oh, quit it and nip into the food, glorious food there, to remind you that

need to be indescribably poised very shortly with pen and paper at the ready

because I shall be socking you our recipe. It's rather tasty.

Honey doughnuts. Oh, yummy, sugared honey doughnuts. We'll be leaping in

direction in about two and a half minutes.

Right, right. So it's war, is it? All right, it's war.

Right, if that's the way she wants to play it.

Right, time to bring up ammunition.

Reserves. Here we go. I'll kill her.

Good God.

She's discovered my banana.

Right. All right, then.

It's the loaf of bread in the light. That's it.

Loaf of bread in the light.

She can't fool me.

I'll kill her! I'll kill her!

All right, then.

It's the corned beef on the end of the string.

Corned beef in the string.

Who's throwing old shoes?

Cobblers!

All right.

Right, so round one goes to Miss War on 1, 1973.

All right.

However, her opponent isn't beaten yet. Oh, no, not him. Not the old, not the

old slugger. Oh, no, no. No, he's been her sparring partner for far too long.

He's had her in a corner many a time.

Well, it's a simple matter.

Simple matter. Hundred yards down the road, the cake shop. Yes.

Get dressed, saunter down, a few cream puffs, possibly a doughnut.

Do the crossword, lunch in town, back in bed by five.

Simple.

Seconds out, round two.

man when he's down with no trousers on?

All right.

If that's the way she wants to fight, that's the way we'll fight.

I'll hide all her knickers.

Yeah, see how she likes that on the train every morning.

Yes, a good stiff breeze blowing around Hendon Central should bring her to her

senses.

Ping Ting Chong's Chinese restaurant.

Ping Ting Chong.

Yeah, well, that's what I've got here.

Ping Ting Chong, yes.

Or is it Ping Tong Ching, then, is it?

Ping Tong Ching.

Or is it Pong Ting Ching?

It's now called the Bamboo House, I see.

Well, is old Pong still running it?

Ping, I mean. Oh, he is. Oh, good. Could I possibly have a word with him?

Thanks very much. Thank you.

Yes, fine.

Yes?

Oh, hello, Ping.

How's Mrs. Ping?

Yes. Well, you won't remember me, but my name is Alan Joyce.

Yes, about three and a half years ago, my wife and I called in to have a meal

your restaurant. You don't remember.

No, no. Well, I didn't expect you. No, I suppose we all look alike to you, don't

we, one?

No, not Juice. Not Juice. Joyce.

Joyce. Alan Joyce.

Yes. Well, now, look. Listen, Ting. You still do these takeaway meals. Ping,

sorry. You do the takeaway meals, do you? Yes. Well, can I order?

Yes, thanks very much.

What I'd like is a chicken chop suey, yes, with special fried rice with eggs,

yes, and some bamboo shoots, sweet and sour pork, and a pancake roll.

Yes, fine, yes.

Number? 1 -6 -0 -3 -6 -9 -0.

Sorry, 1 -6 -0 -60, yes.

36 -90.

What do you mean 36 is off?

What?

Oh, I'm sorry, cancel. I've just ordered my phone number. I'm sorry.

Yes, yes.

I'm sorry, yes.

What? Oh, is it?

Oh, is it? Quite a good choice, is it? Oh, well.

Well, I'll have that then. I'll have that. Yes.

But I won't have the 90, the octopus.

No, I don't think I can manage that.

I wonder if people down at the Hendon Exchange know that my number is octopus

and fried rice.

It's quite a good way of remembering phone numbers, that, isn't it? Yes.

Will anyone who saw the accident please communicate with New Scotland Yard,

telephone number Whitehall, Prawn Balls, Prawn Balls.

What?

No, no, no.

No, yes, I've finished, yes, I've finished. I just got a bit hysterical,

about that.

Think about all that lovely food. Yes.

Good. Well, would you send all that round, then, to 7 Ennersley Court?

What?

Now, listen to me, ping -ting -thing.

You've just said that you are a takeaway Chinese restaurant.

Yes, you did. You admitted it.

Now, the point is, that means that you can take away Chinese food from your

restaurant, right?

Right.

Therefore... Oh, I see.

I've got to come and take it away.

You don't deliver.

No, no, no, I understand. That's perfectly all right, yes.

Oh, yes, you've got your job to do, yes.

Yes, I do understand. I would have to cancel that order, I'm afraid, as I am

without trousers.

No, no, no. No, no. No, don't. No, I quite see your point. Yes, yes.

No, please, don't apologize anymore. I understand perfectly.

You fiendish yellow devil, you!

And now with three furlongs to go, it's Sid Folley and just behind on the stand

side, Champion Crest. These two well -cleared and briskly duties in a long

for the rest of the field. And with two more fences to jump, it's Sid Folley,

Champion Crest, and making ground fast now, Crispy Bacon. All safe there.

And Chrisley Bacon really challenging Sid's Folly and champion Chris. There's

nothing between them now. It's Chrisley Bacon. And with 150 yards to go, it's

Chrisley Bacon sizzling away into the lead. Chrisley Bacon, Sid's Folly.

Ah, officer.

Oh, yes.

You have been burgled, haven't you? My word, you have. Yes.

Yeah, we got your phone call.

As a matter of actual fact, it's rather fortunate.

Yeah, we were rather hoping something like this might happen.

Couldn't have come at a better time.

Oh, really? Well, I'm glad somebody's pleased. Yeah, we've been looking for a

fellow that did this for over a week.

Well, he's only just done it.

Yeah, this one he has, but he's been doing jobs all around this area.

And as you know, criminals work to a pattern.

The more jobs they do, the easier it is to spot the similarities.

Anything missing in particular?

Well, mainly trousers.

Trousers?

Trousers?

Now, that is a turn -up. He's not gone in for trousers.

No, he's more cutlery, spoons, pork, sir. Oh, really?

I suppose you will want me to go down to the station and make a statement, won't

you? Possibly, sir. I wonder if you could get me some trousers, then, could

I can't go like this, can I, you see? He took all your trousers, sir. Yes, every

single one. Well, every pair, anyway.

The plot deepens, as they say.

Get in a bedroom and take a few snaps.

There must be a pattern.

I'll have a look in the kitchen. Oh, yes, yes.

They're nice trousers.

Yes.

How would you like to take a photograph of these?

Must be part of the evidence. Quite pretty, aren't they? No, thank you,

What did you say your name was?

Joyce.

No, thank you, Joyce.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry. I accidentally spilt them all over your nice trousers.

Look, why don't we take them off? I'll dry them on the radio. No!

Sergeant! Sergeant!

He's trying to get my trousers.

What's your game? I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.

You see, it's the hunger.

My wife's taken all my trousers and left me nothing to eat.

I just snapped for a minute, that's all.

Your wife?

Has she been committing all these robberies? No, no, there hasn't been a

robbery. I made all this mess. I just had to get some trousers into the

somehow, you see. I thought I'd phone for the police. Then when I saw the ones

your photographer was wearing, I couldn't control myself.

He said his name was Joyce.

Well, so it is.

Well, now, you've been leading us to a bit of a dance, haven't you, Mr Joyce?

Yes, it's the diet.

I'm... Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

I got carried away, you see. You'll be put away if it happens again, I can

assure you.

Come on, Roger.

Look,

you can't leave me here without any trousers.

Aren't you going to get me some food or something? Certainly not. Your wife

knows best. You'll get no sympathy from me. But look, I'm starving, officer. So

what?

My wife has had me on a diet for a fortnight.

So if I'm suffering, why shouldn't you?

Just stop dropping your wife's knickers in the street.

Medium rare, please.

With sautéed potatoes and a few bamboo shoots.

I think I might try the octopus.

Would there be enough for eight?

Yeah, well, I'm expecting a large party. Well, I am a large party, really.

Too large.

Oh, my egg's done.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hello, Marion.

Oh, hello.

No, sorry I was so long. I was sleeping, yes, dozing off, you know. Yeah.

Food?

Hasn't crossed my mind, to tell you the truth.

No.

In the fridge?

No, I haven't looked in the fridge. No, no.

Everything is just as you left it?

Yes.

Oh,

yes, all neat and tidy here.

Yeah. What?

The Daily Woman?

What's the Daily Woman coming in the afternoon for?

Oh, does she?

Oh, hang on, there's someone at the door now.

There's someone at the door, just a minute.

Yes, baker?

No, thanks. Not today, thank you.

No, no.

No, it wasn't her. It was the baker! It was the baker!

Mr Joyce, you've got no trousers on.

No, I'm after the baker.

Oh, God, the Daily Woman.

Hello? Hello, darling?

Oh, goodbye, darling.

Oh, you've gone, darling. Oh, God, the Daily Woman.

Oh, God.

Oh,

why? Why?

Yes. Have you got temperature?

No, no, no, no. I'm just having a quiet, relaxing day in bed, that's all.

Yeah, well, best place to be if you're feeling out of breath.

Yes.

Have you had something to eat?

No, I haven't, as a matter of fact.

Would you like me to get you something? Eggs and bacon? Well, that would be very

lovely, yes, but...

all, you see.

How about the boiled eggs?

No, no, no, no. You don't understand. There's no food at all in the house, you

see. My wife's taken all the food because I'm on a diet and she doesn't

me.

God, you must be hungry, aren't you?

Extremely.

Well, let me get my coat off.

Believe me.

Well, if I let my Albert walk about like that, I'd never get anything done.

No, you see, she's taken them all away, you see.

What's it for?

So that I don't go out to the shops to buy any food.

Oh, well, that puts a different complexion on it.

Yes, now, look, you and I have known each other for a long time now.

Mrs... Mrs... Dawkins. Dawkins, yes. Or may I call you Gladys?

If you like, my name's...

I'm not fussy, and I'm sure you're not. Now, the point is, Mrs Dawkins, or

Betty, if I may call you so, you and I both know what goes on in a marriage. I

mean, we're both men of the world, except you're a woman.

The point is that because my wife has removed my trousers doesn't mean to say

that we're not seeing eye to eye, if you see what I mean.

Well, I think what married couples get up to is their own affair.

No, no, no, you don't understand. You see, by getting me some food, you

be letting down Mrs Joyce. I mean, you wouldn't be siding with either party,

see. Oh, now, you start on politics and you've lost me.

It's not politics, you'll just be neutral.

Well, I should be on the Mrs's side by rights. I mean, after all, she pays me.

Yes, but I give her the money.

Yeah, that's true.

You see, all I need is a loaf of bread or a few cakes or... You don't seem to

realise I'm...

If I wish I did, I can't even remember.

Now, why don't you be a sensible gentleman and go straight back to bed?

Mrs. Choice comes in, she's bound to bring you a stick of celery or

Oh, God.

Anyway, food isn't everything.

You'll have to think of something else to keep yourself occupied.

I'll be in the spare bedroom if you need me.

Thank you.

Yes, I've been dozing most of the day.

The lack of food, I think, really, makes you awfully weak, doesn't it? It does

make you weak, it does.

What are those?

What?

Those.

Oh, these are those.

Oh, those are just those.

I found those.

What, in bed?

No, no, I found those in my old trunk, in my old sailor's trunk, you remember?

I thought they might come in for your war on thing.

Probably big, aren't they?

Yes, they are. Well, there must be some fat refugees about. I mean, ones that

are just starting, you know.

I tell you who would be grateful for these, Mrs Dawkins.

What if they fit her? No, no, no, no, no, definitely not, no, no. Well, she's

bigger than you think. You'd be surprised.

Not any more, I wouldn't.

What? How are you, dear? Have you had a good day, have you? You've got shaving

cream all over your face, Alan. Did you know?

Shaving? No, no, it's not. It can't be shaving. No, I know what it is. It's

vanishing cream.

There you are. You see, it's vanished already. Look at that.

Mine doesn't work. My face is still as fat. It just doesn't work, that stuff.

Do you remember that time you put all those creams on yourself?

Do you remember one night you put all that face cream all over your face and

then body lotion all over your back and hand cream on your hands and cold cream

all down your legs? Do you remember that? I should never forget that. You

sliding out of bed. Do you remember?

Oh, I think I'm a bit hysterical. I'm weak. Do you think I could have half a

glass of water?

Oh, you poor thing. Don't worry. Stand up.

I've got something for you that'll make you feel a lot better. Oh, have you?

Shut your eyes. Shut my eyes? Oh, is it a present?

Oh, you shouldn't have.

No more than you deserve. Come on.

No peeping now.

Right,

you can look now.

Well, it's ping -ting -thing.

I don't know what went wrong with this sweet little man who turned up with all

this food and I had the heart to tell him he'd made a mistake.

Come on, let's eat it while it's hot. Oh, no, I couldn't. I couldn't possibly

eat anything else. I mean, I couldn't possibly eat anything at all. Oh, look,

don't worry about the silly old diet. You can do that tomorrow.

It's Saturday. I shall be home all day.

I'll be able to keep an eye on you.

That'll make things a lot easier, won't it? Oh, yes.

If your Dawkins will join us in a minute when she's got some clothes on.

Bye.