Original subtitles

Granville, fetch your cloth.

The swallows are leaving, Granville, and they're leaving it on our window.

Why me?

Do you think I've got a natural affinity for this sort of stuff?

Was it for this I did double -entry bookkeeping?

Quite clear, you underestimate me qualities of leadership.

No, that face.

Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

Possibly the finest backside in the north of England.

And it all belongs to the state.

Er, Granville, have you been courting again?

Fat chance.

We don't close till nine.

Mrs Scully said it could have been you she saw coming out of there, Margaret.

You what?

This place on Frith Street. Let me finish.

Go and get them papers in.

I told you and told you not to go and see that Ken Russell film.

You've hardly got your spots cleared up from the last one.

I'm all right.

I hope you're not abusing your health, are you?

You look to me as if you could do with a good night's sleep.

Aye, I could, but we always have to get up in the middle of it.

Listen, you can't be lying in bed with customers passing the door.

Have you no sense of avarice, lad?

I'm not a lad any more.

Oh, been through some sort of ceremony, have you?

Painfully initiated while me back was turned.

24 hours of unflinching agony to prove yourself to the elders of the Grocers'

Federation.

Hey, do they still practice that terrifying trick with a glass of cherry?

25, you know. Oh, that bang we heard was you going through puberty, was it? I

thought we had a slate off.

I thought we had a slate off. I did really.

I could be out in the world developing me full personality.

You have got a slate off.

Look it, the world's gone mad out there. You don't want to go out there, lad.

Sanity begins at home.

Quiet,

quiet.

It's almost time for the news.

BBC Radio News at... That's better.

You've no idea what benefit I derive from that regular daily not listening to

the news.

It's a fair public duty these days to keep yourself ill -informed, I say.

Restores a bit of English sanity to English streets.

If we don't sell this soon, we're going to have to empty it.

Never mind that. Why haven't you put the float in the till?

I've put the silver in, but I wish you'd do the notes.

I don't like that spring clip. I'll give it to you.

That'll have somebody yet, that. I dread opening that till.

I just know one of these days I'm going to find somebody's fingers in there.

Mine.

Well, it'll all be yours one day, lad.

There's more to life than possessions.

Oh, been watching BBC2, have we?

I told you to leave that channel alone. They don't know any better. They've not

had your advantages, have they?

What advantages?

Oh, that's right.

Wound me to the quick, won't you? Who got you out of school as soon as they

could, eh?

Who's struggling and sacrificed to keep you out of university, eh?

And that's all the gratitude I get. Come on, get your covers. They'll be here in

a minute from that first bus.

Think on you. Think on.

Some people have to go to university, you know. The way their parents are

they've no choice, poor devils. Look at that Joan. Look at that Joan. Look at

that Joan Bakewell. Look at her and all them other fairy lights.

Whereas if they'd had a decent job, started work at 14, they'd be as right

you and me.

Here they come.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning, good morning. What was yours?

There we are.

That's the idea.

Oh, yes.

I'll come back to you when I get my tongue out.

That's right.

And every packet contains a government warning, gentlemen.

Good morning.

I don't know why they buy them. What?

And miss an enjoyment.

That's British grit, that is.

That's the British public waving two V -shaped lungs at the experts.

Hey, Granville, fetch your cloth over here. I want to see me face in that

A nod, little ambition, you might think. Just a shopkeeper's quirk.

So get cracking till I can see me quirk in it.

I'm talking of shopkeeper's quirk. When you've done that, we'll go over to Nurse

Gladys Emanuel and burn, burn, and buff up her brass plate a bit.

You're wasting your time there. I wouldn't like to bet on it.

Why did she go and visit Wesley Cosgrave?

I've seen her car parked outside his place nearly every night.

She goes to visit Wesley Cosgrave, as you put it, because the man has what you

might term a terminal illness.

He's got boils on his ass -ass -ass, which naturally

inhibits his organ playing.

She goes to alleviate his suffering as any state -registered Christian would.

She has medical relations with him.

What's your vocabulary, please?

Last thing every night. I am not listening.

Stays for ages.

I'll kill her.

I'll give her every night.

Get buffing.

I'm only repeating what's been said.

All right, all right, I'm coming.

Now, look, I'll need plenty of hot water, and if you're going to panic, you

might as well puddle off home.

Can you explain why you're spending so much time on Wesley Cosgrave's bottom?

Who is this?

It's Arkwright Nebuk. Oh, not at this hour.

Come to puff up your breastplate.

I'm able to gesture.

Only to find that you've fallen for a glib line in biblical patter from Wesley

Cosgrave. Go home.

Leave me alone.

You've woken me mother. She'll have acid regurgitation.

I want to know if it's true.

Of course it's true.

She'll be burping all day. You

realise

that's the... First time I've seen them out of uniform.

I'm entitled to me private life.

Nobody's stopping you.

Oh, no. We close at nine and the rest of the day's me own.

I wonder what happened to my watch. It gives me two full hours of daylight

midsummer's eve.

Listen, if it's daylight you're after, you're still not ready for a private

life, are you? Hello. Who's this one for?

Number 11.

You've got 111 written down here. Oh, heck have I. I've started stuttering in

writing now.

Listen, when you deliver that, when you deliver that, go careful, for God's

sake, will you? I mean, they've waited for months and months to get something

that they can love and cherish. And now it's arrived at last. I don't want you

scratching the bonnet as you go past.

I don't know why they don't keep it in the garage.

Oh, and watch out for her at number 10. She's liable to be here at number 8.

They're still swapping.

the lethal tea cake, indulging in his ungovernable lust for speed at the

of my Eccles cakes.

He breaks like that, all the currents finish up at one end.

If I could find me watch, I'd say you was late. Rubbish. I know what you're

selling. It's your timekeeping I'm quibbling about.

Oh, fresh.

Oh, I never knew a bread man that wasn't.

If they make this bread any whiter, I'll have to wear dark glasses.

That's how they third -degree you now, you know. Oh, yes, they lock you in a

tiny cell, and then they flash a slice of this bread in front of your naked

People like it white.

Balls.

I wish you'd let me finish sometime.

It's the dirtiest bread in the world. I know.

Pity it has to taste like polythene, isn't it?

Still, what can you expect?

With all these monopolies in the flour trade, just what you get, I suppose.

One loaf in 20 different wrappers. Here.

Keep the crumbs.

Why don't you try and split tins? No, thanks. I'm having enough trouble with

broken biscuits.

Come on, then.

Now, then.

You.

Think on, I want some money from number 16, in spite of the fact that she's got

an... In spite of the fact that she's got an... Affliction.

It's sordid asking for money. Listen, you may be flesh and blood, but that

doesn't give you a licence to blaspheme, you know.

Don't you ever think about serving the poor?

Who do you think comes in the shop?

I spend my life serving the poor.

It's easy.

All you have to do is remember never to give them any credit.

Here you are. Now, get off with you. And don't forget to ring your bell when you

get to number 75, will you? That carpet fitter's been in there for three weeks.

I'd hate you to catch him in the middle of a fitting.

you bought him a van?

Never mind that.

I'm worried about him. Why?

He keeps sneaking off to the bog with the Manchester Guardian.

It's a stage they go through. Why? When I've struggled to bring him up Orthodox

Yorkshire Post.

There's no place for a formative mind, that. Well, they talk about cannabis as

if it were ice cream.

The young have this desire to experiment. I know. I'll get them in my

doorway.

Hey, what's that perfume you're wearing? an evening in plaster of Paris, is it?

Never you mind.

It's your wandering thoughts you should be worrying about, not Granville's.

Listen, when are you going to chuck up this lark and come and look after me,

Yours is no profession for handsome lusts. I mean, I fancy the uniform, yes,

it's never knowing where your hands are being.

Keep taking the tablets, Mr. Arkwright. We'll all go away.

Marry me, Gladys Emanuel, and I can guarantee you the finest loin bacon and

and a... and a... and a... and a... and a...

Full entertainment schedule.

You're at a funny age, that's all.

You'll soon have this bit of trouble with your hormones and then life will

become much more simple.

Listen, I've managed to get these two tickets for the Northeastern Mouse

Festival, which is being held in my bedroom, if you're interested.

Two, Bob, it'll cost you more than that.

It's you, is it?

I'm going to buy you some heavy boots.

Here.

Clutch hold of this. I don't want you carried off by the drafter under that

door.

I'm all right, is she?

That's the idea.

Doesn't seem for five minutes since she was your size.

Now, I've only got to look round and she's got five old levels and thee. Here

you are. Now, don't drop that and watch them roads.

Speaking bottoms, don't tread on you.

Nobody liked Wesley Cosgrave, even at school.

He had that brand of Christianity that was worse than BO.

I wonder what happened to my watch.

Well, I haven't had it. Look, we're not discussing your problems, we're talking

about my watch.

shows a deep -seated neurotic anxiety about time.

Oh, it couldn't just be that me strap broke, I suppose.

You don't go great licks on psychology, do you? Well, I don't need it, do I? I'm

not a criminal, am I?

Bit of umpty, that's what they want.

That's what he could have done with an old Wesley Cosgrave, have a belt round

the ear with a Methodist in -book, or even a pew or two.

A small chapel, really.

I'm disenchanted with irony. You know, he split on me one Sunday school outing

at Bridlington for toying with what can only be described as the affections of

Mabel Hemsley.

It only just got started and all. Six months' groundwork right up the swanny.

You know, that girl could get through bars of whole nut chocolate quicker than

anything I've ever seen.

It was like watching McAlpine start in a motorway.

is in direct conflict with the mainstream of my personality.

And half a fuss about it and all cost me a part in the Christmas play, that did.

In a word, I hate it.

Yes, I was going to be St Paul, but they struck me down before I got anywhere

near Damascus.

Well, I'd hardly got back from Bredlington.

All right, all right, we got the message, so you don't like Wesley

have nothing against him.

Anyway... It's not only boils she's interested in.

You know what?

He's got a verruca.

That's all the nurse, she told me.

What, my Gladys Emanuel?

Who else?

Did she mention me at all?

No, not a word.

Is she obsessed with that man?

All right, I'll go.

Just said he got his verruca.

Damn show -off.

Probably got in on the HP.

Mrs Scully.

Ah, by, that pram's seen a bit of service, hasn't it, eh? Aye, never no

No, I should think not, not with your lot.

Why, you do better keeping the bottles than trading the kids in.

Get away, they're all right.

Hey, my last one's going to be clever.

He's writing already.

He's nearly covered the lavvy wall.

Yeah. I was down there yesterday tea time reading it to his dad.

His dad? He never got up specially, did he?

No, it was his pub time. Oh, I thought.

Hey, while I think on, you'd better give me a cigarette.

He's unbearable, we had to smoke.

He's not very fascinating with one, is he?

Used to him, you know. Oh, would you give me half a bottle of sherry for our

Claudine? Well, that sounds a fair exchange, yes.

She's very upset.

Your young man's just broke it off.

Cat food? I thought you'd lost your cat.

Oh, so did we. But we're in bed all the time with me husband.

You know, he likes to put his feet on it.

There's been that call for him up there this week. Well, the council's putting a

new window in the bedroom, you see. Oh, I see. But he's still there, there. Did

he stick in it out? Oh, yes.

But he enjoyed it.

I think it's the company. Do you know, I think he misses work sometimes.

Sometimes? He misses it every ruddy time.

Oh, come on. He can't be thought.

with tears in his eyes while I've been lying there in pain.

He's thugged, Mr. Arkwright. Well, you wanted him back.

Never mind. Hey, our Newton will be home soon.

Your Newton?

Oh, no. They've never given him full remission again, have they?

Oh, it's all right.

He's going straight this time. He always does. Straight for someone's till.

No, he's been studying.

Well, he's met a nicer class of people up there this time.

They're learning him a useful trade.

He's going into the post office. Oh, probably the night after he comes out, I

should think.

Good night, darling. Thanks.

Oh,

sorry.

Hey, well, where the hell have you been?

Look at the tap. Oh, never mind.

Listen, if she'd set off while you were still out, I'd be stuck here, wouldn't

I? Well, Wesley Cosgrave would be up there giving her a tune on his verruca.

You can't stop her. Well, I can't even try if there's nobody of mine in the

shop, can I?

Well, if I had a van, I could be back much quicker.

Mind you, she hasn't moved for an hour, you know.

I don't reckon she's going out tonight.

No, it's all rubbish.

No, if I had a van, I'd have to call for petrol and things.

I mean, I'd meet people. She's in there with her feet up, the fire going,

knitting, brushing up her pelvic fractures.

Wesley, you've had it. You know, van drivers have got numerous advantages

people on shop bikes.

I mean, as a class, they've got more panache.

I mean, you can't swan up to some bird on a shop bike.

I'll take her a bottle of milk stout over when we close, I think. I mean,

you tried casually dismounting and lighting up your monogrammed cigarette?

You don't smoke.

Well, sucking on your monogrammed ice lolly, then.

Pausing only to adjust the cut of your flaming penny.

Have you got a frozen Zoom?

You might well have, Tom.

At this rate, I'm never going to find out.

He wants an ice cream. Come over here, young Keithy.

Here's your money.

Here you are.

Hey, hey -o, Granville.

Hey, look at that.

There's your cloth over here.

Hey, what time is it? About 20 minutes.

I thought she'd taken something out of her car.

You what? I think she must be getting ready to go.

I think you've had it.

She's going up to Wesley's for an evening of boils and Bible bashing.

Why him? Why not me?

She obviously admires his good works.

Well, if they gave him a chance, then no better than my works.

It's nothing, really. I was just reaching up to get me Bible and the

slipped.

You'd best come in, then. Oh, thanks very much.

There's more light in there. I can't take you through to the other room. My

mother's watching the telly. Oh, no, Kitty's fine. You don't have to make a

for me.

No, well, just sit down in there. I'll just go and tell my mother who's here.

She gets a bit nervous of noise.

Oh, yeah.

Were you just going out? I mean, this can wait till morning, just if it has

Just one more call, that's all.

Urgent, was it? No more social, really.

Social? Oh, I didn't think you were supposed to get social with the

No, that sounds a bit rammy to me, that.

I thought you were supposed to be above suspicion, like corset fitters and

tattooists.

The world's sorriest sight.

Homo sapiens. Male with a spring frog.

Let's have it off, then.

I beg your pardon?

The sling, you fool.

Oh, I see.

Well, less of the sweet talk, then. Do you soft -soap everybody like this?

Typical. Men.

They all come running for sympathy before efficiency.

Careful!

You'll break it in half.

Tell me, what was it like in the Woffin SS?

Bowels, all right.

Bowels? Your idea of sweet talk, really.

Hey, next time you see him, remember me to Jackie Palo, won't you?

I want you to drink this.

It's for shock.

Well, I haven't got shock.

You will have when you get that down your throat.

Hush, you think, that's been handed down from generation to generation, hasn't

it? Like typhoid.

Here, does it shift rust?

You'll find out what it will shift.

Look, look, you know very well I'd go through fire and water for you, but not

the same glass.

You shouldn't come here wasting my time. But have you no compassion for the sick

at heart?

I mean, do you think of everything in terms of medicine? Could you not just

clasp me to your bosom with a motherly gesture?

You've got the chest for it.

Get off home.

Listen, don't go up there tonight.

He's no good for you.

What are you talking about?

Wesley Cosgrave. I know you go up there every night because your car's been seen

in his yard. Wesley Cosgrave is a very kind man and he does me a good turn.

I give you no shame at all.

He lets me park my car there because there is no room at my sister's.

Oh!

Oh, I see!

Oh!

I'll give you a park outside where Wesley Cosgraves every night.

Well, she is. She's not. She's up at her sister's.

Right, then. I'm not all right.

She gave me half a pint of something to drink that was made out of postman's

feet.

Where's she work, then?

Petrol pumps.

Oh, Lord preserve us. A future filled with unlimited free football badges.

moments of your youth.

Can I take a couple of chock arses?

Certainly.

Just put your money in the till.

They think because you're middle -aged you don't know what romance is.

It's that magic something that enables you to survive chat like, what are your

bowels like?

She'd be a riot if I took her to the Federation dinner with a vernacular like

that.

She's got a right old grip.

With a partner like that beside him, a man would have somebody to unload his

delivery wagons for him.