Original subtitles

Last week on Rude Awakening... You know, I'm really glad I'm doing this. Good. I

mean, I'm out with you, I'm in a bar, I'm not drinking, and I'm actually

fun. Want to try the math?

I don't know about that.

Hey, man!

Tonight we got a real special guest up here on the karaoke machine.

Everybody put your hands together for Billy's mom, Trudy!

Go, Pa!

Get your makeup running!

Head down on the highway.

Baby, there's a mouse in your house.

But he's a pet mouse. What a freaky night.

I'm going to bed.

I believe somebody forgot the cheese.

From where are the...

It doesn't leave us.

and I left something there last night.

What?

My balls.

Could you check under the couch?

What the hell happened here?

Well, I was looking for my mouse thoroughly, which explains the furniture

the cheese.

Do you think?

No. I know. Did you find him? No. And now I need so many crackers.

Here. Yeah. Hey.

Have a cheese wheel.

How can I put this without sounding prissy?

Eek, a mouse.

Oh, you found him?

Eek, a dead mouse.

Oh, slow -mo.

He ate himself to death.

He died happy, honey. There are rodents in India that don't even know what

cheese is.

This is all a big joke for you, isn't it?

Kind of, yeah. Can I trade this for Jarlsberg? How can you even think about

eating at a time like this?

Well, honey, Shlomo would have wanted it that way. You know, if he taught us one

thing, he taught us this.

Enjoy the cheese.

At least he didn't die in vain.

No, he died in cheese.

Oh, that's not funny. I'm just trying to make you laugh. Look, I was up all

night thinking about what the hell was going on with you, and I finally figured

it out.

You did? Yes, I figured it out. Because, you know, I've been in the program for

almost a year, and I can see the signs.

You saw the signs? I certainly did. Well, I...

I freaked out, too, just before I got my 60 -day chip.

Ah!

Yes!

The 60 -day chip!

I'm just freaking out. It's like... Hey, you know what? What? You.

I don't understand it. Huh.

Thank you.

And... Perceptive. That's what they call me.

Perceptive Dave. Yeah? Who calls you that?

Um... I don't know. I haven't been paying attention.

Okay, I gotta go to work. Um, I'm glad I figured it out.

And, uh, see you later. And productive Dave, too. Yes, yes, I could be

Dave, but I gotta go. Ah!

Bye!

Poor Shlomo.

Shlomo, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were a teetheholic.

You know, you were much cuter when you weren't rotting.

Thanks for buying.

I'm kind of broke and nobody will hire me. I've been to St. Joe's, St. Ann's,

St. John's, and the big Jew hospital.

Well, you know, if you called it that in your interview, I can see why you

didn't get the job.

Wow. The Jews are so sensitive.

Yeah, well, that's why we need our own hospital.

You know, I find it really hard to believe that a registered nurse cannot

job. Yeah, you steal some morphine, a couple of needles from county, and all

a sudden you're labeled a problem nurse.

You know, people are so quick to judge. It's not like you're hurting anybody,

right?

Only myself.

You know, it's too bad there's not a plague or a worse something.

I mean, when people are bleeding profusely, they don't have time to check

references.

Well, with any luck, there'll be an outbreak of Ebola in Brentwood.

Doesn't your mother live there?

This is what I'm saying. Uh -huh.

Hey, you look great.

See what comes from healthy living? That's right, Abe.

Have some camembert.

Hey, thanks. I love camembert.

Fondue party, my house Friday night.

He gets camembert, and all I get are these slices of Velveeta. He's gay.

White? Uh -huh. Hello.

Have some feta.

Oh. Okay. Who would like to begin sharing?

Please don't pick Naomi. Oh, anyone but non -star Naomi. Please don't pick

Naomi. Please don't pick Naomi. Please don't pick Naomi. Naomi.

Oh, no.

Hello.

My name is Naomi, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi.

My story begins when my grandparents came here from Ireland.

Oy vey, the director's cut.

And so,

to

make a long story short... Too late.

Last night, I felt a cult coming on.

And I had a...

A little sip of NyQuil, and then another, and then another. All right, I

six -pack, okay?

I slipped.

I have just got my two -year chip, and now I have to start all over again. What

is going on? I zoned out when she lost her virginity.

She drank some NyQuil, and now she's back at day one.

Oh, come on. I mean, she must be a very strict, orthodox type of drunk.

I mean, you and me, we're more like drunks that go to a temple only on Yom

Kippur, right?

I don't know what any of the Jew talk is.

But a slip is a slip.

And so I'm a newcomer, again.

But my cold is better.

Except for a little tickling in the back of my throat. Okay, thank you so much,

Naomi. I know that took a lot of guts.

And a lot of time.

In fact, that's all the time we have for today.

Thank God that is over.

Here's a job that might work for me.

It's manager of West Hollywood's number one lesbian S &M bar. Ah, the pussy

whip. Yeah, isn't that right next door to the open fist?

No, no, no, no. The open fist closed.

Now it's a Birkenstock outlet.

Bye -bye.

Bye. Do you think you can give me a lift to the club?

Oh. Hmm.

Yes. And I need to stop at my mom's. And maybe she can give you some good old

pussy whipping pointers.

Your mother? Yeah.

Ooh. Come on.

Mom, whoever he is, he's gone.

Oh, thank God you're here.

I can't move.

What? Don't tell me you got smashed and tried to go under an invisible limbo

bar? No, I was trying to achieve orgasm through kundalini yoga.

Can't you just give it a little twiddle like the rest of us?

Oh, how boring.

I'm looking for a hug, mate. A twiddle, something that says to the universe,

look, God, no hands.

Is that really when you want God to be looking?

Oh, well, I call out his name. Anyone might as well put on a good show, get me

drink. Mother, it is 11 o 'clock in the morning. Put it in a coffee cup.

You know, you really shouldn't be doing yoga alone.

But obviously you could hurt yourself. Dad wasn't alone.

Sri Baba Nanda was guiding me toward ecstasy.

Sri Baba Nanda? Do you know there's a blonde boy who works at that Indian

restaurant?

Kenny from the curry hut? He was helping me achieve orgasm by spiritually

manipulating my mula bandha. Mula bandha? Crotch!

Oh, I am never going to the curry hut again.

Where is Antonia? Oh, she's out of the country. Some family emergency in one of

those ugly little countries like Ecuador or Bumidor.

You know, what you need is a nurse. A caring...

Qualified. Licensed. Pending a hearing. Kind of nurse. You're hired.

I should give you a warning. Her motto is first world service at third world

prices. I have a motto, too. You want to hear it?

Rent's due.

No. Get me a bell and some hemorrhoid cream.

On that note, I will be running, screaming out of here. Mommy, feel

Kiss, kiss, darling. You put away all sharp objects.

Why? Is she violent? No.

Yes, this is on the house to celebrate your 60 -day chance.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Makes the sponsor want to cry.

Do you have any cleanup?

Oh, well, I have a tampon, but it's very absorbent.

Yeah, you know, it's weird. Just the mere mention of a tampon dried me right

I have mentioned I'm gay, right?

Empathic. So, Chad, about Naomi yesterday.

Don't you think that it's unfair that she has to go all the way back to day

just because she drank some NyQuil? No, no, no, no, no. She slipped.

NyQuil has alcohol in it. Yeah, well, so does KY Jelly, but I don't see you

turning in all your chips.

Billy, I don't take it internally.

Oh, God, I got to call my sponsor.

What's up with him?

He's just being anal.

So, Dave, let me ask you. Yeah.

Don't you think that Naomi's being a little bit hard on herself?

I mean, maybe she didn't know that the NyQuil had alcohol in it.

It comes with its own shot glass.

Look, it's a very simple rule.

Stay away from alcohol, stay away from drugs.

And you have... Meeting time.

Come on, everybody.

Good news, good news. My sponsor says I have nothing to worry about. He said

that if KY was considered a slip, there wouldn't be a sober gay man on Earth.

Will.

Now we have some chips to hand out.

You're all getting very sleepy.

Wake up.

Okay, now, this first one is very, very, very special to me because I am her

sponsor. So, hooray for me.

Billy, come up here and get your 60 -day chip.

You did it, you did it, you did it.

We love you.

We love you so much.

It's hard for me to express what I'm feeling right now, but I'm going to try.

Okay, thank you, Naomi.

Thank you. Billy, I am just so proud of you.

Thank you.

You're like the fat girl in a Richard Simmons video.

Surprise!

Congratulations.

Dave.

You shouldn't have.

Oh, come on. Here. A little sparkling apple juice. Very good month.

Sir, I do believe you're trying to keep me sober. Yes, because frankly, my dear,

I give a damn.

It's a huge achievement. You know that? A lot of people don't make it through 60

days without slipping.

Well, that doesn't make them bad people.

You know, who are you to judge?

I'm not judging. I'm congratulating. Oh. Shut up. Come here.

Wait till you see what I have for you in the bedroom.

Oh, yeah?

Very big.

Oh.

Hi, this is Billy.

How does this work?

Hey, baby. I don't know how you came down from our little acid trip, but I

up in Tarzana with a Thighmaster strapped to my head. Damn, my neck is

Good Thighmaster strapped to your head. We talk about not reading the

instructions. You took an acid trip. Well, I mean, it was hardly a trip. It

more of a jaunt, an outing, a stroll, if you will.

That's why you've been acting so weird.

I can't even believe I didn't notice that. That's great. And you took a chip.

You went up in front of all those people who love you, and you just took a chip.

Well, they would have been so disappointed if I hadn't. I mean, you

sometimes you have to put other people first, Dave.

Like you're putting me first, lying to my face.

You're so perceptive, Dave. You let me call myself perceptive Dave.

It was a little tab of acid. Half a tab. A dot, really.

Look, at least I didn't drink NyQuil. You took acid!

I didn't even like it.

You know, if you don't like something, it doesn't count.

What, you too?

That is why I don't count losing my virginity at 15, because I didn't like

until later. And that is why I officially lost my virginity at 18,

would know if you read Tiger Beat.

Honey. You broke your sobriety, and now you have to start over. That's it. No

way. No way.

I worked hard to get this chip. I wanted to drink, and I didn't drink for 60

days. And one teeny little 22 -and -a -half -hour acid trip is not going to

cancel it out. Okay, honey, give me the chip back.

Get your own goddamn chip. I have plenty of chips. I've been sober for almost a

year. Oh, well, good for you. Why don't you take all your little chips and make

a little banner on the wall? Just give me it. Give me it.

Look, you're nuts.

Okay, I like a crazy woman as much as the next recovering alcoholic, but when

you start lying and dropping acid and then biting me, I draw the line. No, no,

no, come on, Dave. Don't leave all that.

But you can't be sober if you're not honest. So until you can be honest, I

want to be here. Okay, Dave, listen. Listen to me, please. What?

I admit lying to you is wrong.

It was bad.

It was. It was really bad. I don't know how to make it up to you except...

What?

What?

Well,

that

was a new low.

Put that knife away!

Please, put it away!

Frignited. Frightened.

Frightened.

Help!

Me!

Bravo!

Bravo, you've got a lot of heart, baby.

Boy, you know, I see a lot of bimbos come through here, but you, you are an

actress.

Now I need to see your breasts.

Finally.

Like I said, bravo.

Hey, you too, bravo.

Oh, well, he really appreciates raw talent.

Oh, hey, now. And listen, we start production next Monday, so we'll be in

Thanks, Mr. Short.

Do you validate?

Yeah, I did.

Oh, God.

You know, going to production next week. I know, I know. But, hey, I'm bored,

okay? And it's, you know, it's cheaper than a strip joint.

Oh, Harv, how can you lie to those girls like that?

Hey, I'm a producer. I have to lie.

And if the lie doesn't hurt anybody, then that's okay, right?

It's more than okay.

It's why you lie.

You are so wise. I really should be spending more time with you.

Well, you know, I'm here at work a lot. Why don't you come down occasionally?

Say, uh, nine -ish to, uh, five -ish. Oh, but I would shop when -ish. Oh!

My point is, I am so sick of those killjoys that Addiction's anonymous

with their rules and regulations.

Oh,

hey, Billy.

What? Billy, I don't do westerns, but I'm seeing a wagon and somebody...

falling off.

Can you take a drink? No!

I mean, I just, you know, accidentally did some acid.

Hold it. Time out.

Accidentally?

Hey, who are you talking to? What, were you at a dead concert and you yawned and

some freak gust of wind blew a tab of acid into your mouth?

What difference does it make? As long as I didn't have a drink... Hi, honey,

please, please, don't bullshit a bullshitter. You know, I don't know,

if I'm wrong, but isn't sobering me not supposed to get, you know, fucked up on

anything? I mean, really, Billy, you're just lying to yourself, honey.

Please, Harv, you lie to yourself all the time.

Au contraire. No, no, no.

I know who I am.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm a middle -aged schlock movie producer.

I tape Marmaduke cartoons on my refrigerator.

Yeah, because I just cannot commit to a real dog.

That's because I have a fear of dying alone.

And I have a fear of dying with a large group of people around me.

How hard was that, huh?

You're right.

I didn't take the acid by accident.

But from now on, I'm not going to lie anymore.

That's it.

Very good. Very good.

Ladies,

grab your tits and run. We are not in production on anything.

Ladies,

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I had six months to live. I didn't know what I was doing.

You're right. I feel so much better.

I need some chardonnay.

My blood alcohol level has plummeted to a dangerous low. Yeah?

Well, in a few days, it might be legal for you to drive.

No, why?

Why, no! You idiot!

Here's a little tip for the sick.

Don't piss off the nurse. I make a mean colonic. Now take your pill.

This is over -the -counter crap. Wouldn't take the edge off a paper cup.

Get me some ice, and then when you come back, give me a foot massage.

Oh, chop, chop, nurse!

My name is Jackie.

Okay? You should be able to remember it because it rhymes with lackey.

Chop, chop, lackey.

Hey, hi. How is she? I'm about to put a pillow over her face.

Oh, welcome to the family.

Mommy?

How are you feeling?

Grandpa Donnie wouldn't believe the hideous neglect I've had to endure.

I am completely dehydrated, darling. Look, Nurse Blackie won't give me a drop

liquid.

Mother, what is all this?

Well, it might as well be cat piss for all the good it's doing me. Tomato

carrot juice. What am I, a fucking rabbit? I'm surrounded by chasers with

nothing to chase.

Shh, Mommy, calm down. I can't calm down, darling.

I'm in terrible pain, and the whole world is in sharp focus. It's dreadful,

darling. Look.

Right across the room. Oh, my God. What is that hideous thing over there?

Uh, it's a mirror, Mommy. That's you.

Oh!

Oh, my God. That's what I look like. No wonder I drink.

Mother, you know, I mean, I'd love to say that you're beautiful on the inside,

but... Darling, darling, darling.

Liquor, darling? No, I won't. You heartless child.

You have no idea what it's like to be without liquor.

What? Hello?

How drunk have you been for the past two months that you don't know that I know

exactly what it is to be without liquor?

Too many turns in that question, darling. Okay, what I'm trying to say

Mommy, don't you think that I would like a drink?

Oh, darling, why didn't you say... Say so, darling. Go and pour yourself a

of wine, darling, and while you're at it, give me one, too, under the pillow

there, darling. Okay, okay, Mummy, but not a full glass.

Pillow, darling. Half a glass.

A spot, even.

All right.

Come on, darling.

Come on, I love you, darling.

Hurry up, darling.

Darling!

Don't take all fucking day.

Hello. Uh, listen, Chad, I'd really like to talk to you about something.

Um, I have a friend, and, uh, well, let's say he, uh, experimented with

something new, and I think he liked it more than he's willing to admit.

Really? Do tell. Yeah, and I really believe he's gonna do it again.

Chad, you're pissing on my foot.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

It's just that I've dreamed of this day for so long.

Of course, we weren't in a bathroom in Los Angeles.

We were in Paris, in a bathroom at the Louvre.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, dee, no, dee, no. I'm not talking, I'm not gay.

I'm talking about Billy.

Billy's gay?

Oh, my God, I can't believe that.

Whoa, talk about overcompensating.

He must really feel stupid.

Billy's not gay.

She slipped.

She took acid.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Oh, God, this is terrible. This is really terrible. I know, so, you know,

are we going to do?

We got to talk to her. We just got to be there for her. I tried that. I've been

talking to her. She's in total denial. I'm worried she's going to stop coming

the meetings.

Well, then we got to pray for her.

What, in here?

God answered prayers everywhere.

Just a few seconds ago, I thought he was answering one of mine.

And so I've always had this horrible fear, stupid though it may be, that I

people, and that they're not really there for me emotionally.

Oh,

time's up.

Thank you, Naomi, for another scintillating share.

Thanks, really.

Okay, now, who else would like to share?

Anyone. Anyone at all.

Billy, come up here and share.

Oh, well, actually, I'd like to hear more from Naomi.

You know, her roofie story is second to none. Thank you.

Well, one night I was down in the marina. Naomi, you have been dinged.

Philly, you have the floor.

Well, you know, a funny thing happened on the way to the podium.

I was at a Grateful Dead concert, and not a fan, so I yawned, and all of a

sudden, this great gust of freak wind... Oh, fuck it. You know what?

I slipped, okay, on acid, two days before I got my chip.

But, you know, I mean, this is not my fault. This is all your fault, because

nowhere in this program book, which I have skimmed thoroughly, is there any

mention of acid. Uh, page 572.

Well, it should be closer to the front, because, you see, acid starts with A.

My bae, don't you drunks know about alphabetical order?

Okay.

The reason I came here was... Here's your tip.

I didn't realize how much it meant to me until I had to give it back.

I have not been this relieved since I found out KY was okay.

Yeah.

Surprise. Okay.

Ran home to put up your banner.

Okay. Thank you. You are so sweet.

Hey.

There's coffee grounds on it.

Has my banner been in the garbage?

A little bit.

Yeah.

By the way, I loved your speech. Really. Especially the part where you called us

all drunks and you blamed us for your slip.

Ah, yeah.

Thought of all that right on the spot.

Dave, this is so sweet, really. I don't deserve this.

No, you don't. But you can try.

Hmm. Hmm?

I can try by thinking of some creative thinking postures,

right? But again, now that I'm a newcomer again, we can't have sex,

Fuck that.

Woo! Yeah.

Baby doll!