Original subtitles

Hey,

hey, hey.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see their face because I

don't know any way.

Where will I find someone who understands?

And where will this ride ever let me land?

as long as

It upsets me more that you're calling me at 6 a .m. or that you don't know my

birthday is tomorrow.

I know when your birthday is. I specifically remember telling the doctor

induce you on Tuesday because I was going to Europe on Friday and I wanted

make sure that we had time to bond.

Mother, it's not on Tuesday every year.

Well, it should be.

Well, that's you, darling, always having to be different.

Mother, why are you calling me at 6 a .m.? Are you trying to get a head start

fucking up my birthday?

Oh, darling, am I that obvious? No, no, no. You are on TV right now.

It appears that Emerald Bluff is back on the air in syndication.

Oh, no.

Come on, switch to channel 22.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

It took me five years and 900 bottles to get that fucking song out of my head.

La, la, la. You know, I've always thought it should have words.

La, la, la, la, emerald flowers.

It's in our cul -de -sac.

They wear big shoulder pads and stab each other in the back.

Would you stop singing? This is scary enough.

Every day I ask myself what's happened to my career, and now total strangers

going to be asking me the same thing. Don't lie, darling. That's what I do. I

told Steinberg that...

You were married to a doctor.

Tell a hand that you're a nun and a Henderson think you're dead.

Oh, no wonder Mrs. Henderson fainted last time I saw her.

There she is.

little siren of syndication.

Now wait, does this mean you're going to be rich? Because I think it's time we

take our relationship to a new level. Well, there is no money. I drank it all.

Maybe we shouldn't rush in anything.

Ow. I've always wanted to sponsor someone in reruns. Of course, I had this

fantasy it'd be Tom Selleck without the bronzer, but still, here you are.

I always had this fantasy I'd get on another show, but still, here I am.

What do you mean another show? You just did a movie last week. Yeah, a low

-budget nudie, and yet, there I was.

Yeah. All of you.

Meeting time.

Meeting

time.

Hi, I'm Dave. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Dave.

Would anybody like to share?

Billy? Hi, I'm Billy, and I'm an actress and an alcoholic.

Hi, Billy.

You guys think it's so great to be in reruns? Well, let me tell you, it is a

living hell, okay? I can't even go to the grocery store without some bad boy

asking me, Hey, what ever happened to you?

Me? What happened to you? You're a 45 -year -old bad boy.

Hey, I'm a bad boy.

Who do you think I'm talking to, Stan?

And for the record, I want paper and plastic.

I was a star. I deserve more. You guys have no idea how hard it is being me. I

mean, today is my birthday. I'm 26 for the third time.

And, you know, I should be at the Sky Bar celebrating with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Or, well, at least Charlie Sheen.

Thank you.

I'm Wally. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Wally. Hi, Wally. Yeah, I just want to say something to the little actress

here. Boo fucking hoo!

You think you got it hard? You don't even know what hard is, sweetie.

I mean, how'd you like it if your mother killed your pet hamster because she

thought it was a rat?

I mean, it's in a little cage. It's running on a little wheel.

Its name was Hamster. How many freaking clues do you need?

And my old man, God, I mean, he used to tie me to the bed and beat the crap out

of me.

You ever have somebody tie you to the bed, birthday girl?

Plenty of times, but I liked it.

That Wally, what a whiner, huh?

Yeah.

You know, when people are sharing, you really shouldn't heckle them. Oh, come

on. I didn't heckle them.

So I called him a pussy.

I mean, I didn't know he'd start crying.

Actually, I thought he took the pussy thing really well.

But then when you bitch slapped him... Well, we've all made mistakes.

Once, when I was really messed up, I shot up into another guy's arm.

Talk about your... Happy birthday there, slugger.

Crappy birthday's more like it. Or slappy birthday.

And it's only going to get worse.

Tonight, I have to go be tortured by my parents. That's an annual sadistic

ritual they call my birthday party. I mean, you cannot imagine a more hideous

evening.

Oh, you want to come?

That's a very tempting offer, but actually I have a previous commitment.

I've got to bury my father's brother.

Your uncle?

Yeah, he didn't like it when we called him that.

But that's okay, because now we just call him dead.

Oh. And you're burying him at night?

Yes, a family tradition. We drink in the morning and we bury our dead at night.

Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

Chad?

Boyd?

Come on, you guys. Do you want to come?

Oh, well, we'd love to, but we have to visit a friend of ours who's in a coma.

Why bother? It's not like he's going to know you're there.

Well, he's an old boy here.

Oh.

Okay, Jackie.

You'll go with me, won't you?

Oh, sure.

Ask me last.

What is it, a dyke thing? No, come on, you don't understand. You are my

person here. I was trying to spare you.

Okay. Yay!

Wow. I guess all the times I didn't get invited somewhere was because people

liked me too much. Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you, Jackie.

And as for the rest of you, when I get big again, and I will, you will not be

part of my entourage.

Jackie will be my entire entourage. Well, cool. I'll wear a cape.

And you will not be invited to my next 26th birthday party.

Goodbye. Bye.

Tell me again. Why are we giving her a surprise birthday party? Because we like

her. Right? I mean, each in his own way. I personally like her in her birthday

suit, which I have not seen in quite a while.

Uh -huh. So you're hoping that she'll model it for you after you give her this

party? Yeah.

I got party hats.

Good luck.

If Boyd found me naked with another man, it would take a lot more than a party

hat to win him back.

It would take a lot of money.

Fine.

Fine. Now, do you ever know what they're going to bring to the party?

There. Plates, paper, and plastic.

Forks and knives.

Sharp knives.

It's great, Wally.

Streamers.

Cops. Yeah.

Okay, Jackie.

It's your responsibility to make sure she gets out of her parents' party and

back here by 10 o 'clock, okay? Can you handle that?

Duh, Dave.

I mean, I'm a nurse. I wear a watch, and it's my responsibility to make sure

that my patients get their medication on time. Okay.

Oh, shit, Mrs. Greenbaum!

Oh, so this is it. The pig pen my daughter calls home.

The casa de Billy.

Now, I am borrowing it for a few hours to have sex with Chip, a very young,

tight -butted boy.

Comprende? No, Mrs. Good. Now, let's tidy up the place a bit.

You know, he thinks that I live here.

And my name is Candy.

Isn't that cute?

Chip and Candy. Sounds like a snack.

We'll put this back all nice and messy before we leave. Oh, you can take a

little break and polish these.

Oh, this is so perfect.

You know, I don't have to worry about being recognised in some cheap motel.

Max thinks that I'm taking you out for a day of fun.

This is fun, isn't it?

You know, Antonia, you're the only one I can really talk to about these things,

mainly because you don't understand a word I'm saying.

Oh, you don't have to thank me. I know how much you love being in this country.

Oh, Chip, it's true you can't eat just one.

Okay, I can do this.

I can.

Can I do this? I don't know. I'm just a guest. God, if I knew this was going to

be a quiz, I would have studied.

Okay, just say yes. Okay, yes.

Are you sure?

Yes. Yeah?

You're hurting your entire entourage. Oh, I'm sorry. God, why are you freaking

out? Don't you do this every year? This is the first year I have to do it sober.

I mean, since fourth grade, but... Oh, God. A drink would make this so much

easier. No, a drink would make it seem easier. Oh, fuck off.

Okay, we're going to make it short and sweet. We're going in, we're going out.

If anyone fucks with you, I know karate.

I knew there was a reason I wanted you to be my entourage.

Oh, darling, come on. Just a few more. You can do it. No, I mean... Oh, please.

You think you're exhausted from blowing a few balloons? You try satisfying a 19

-year -old for three hours.

My mouth hasn't been open that long since I had triple root canal.

Now, take a little break. Get that door.

Trudy, you look so hot.

Good night. Thank you, darling.

Menopause. After the party, how about we play Roma Slave Girl and the Rotting

Vistaca? Well, tempting as that sounds, I took Anthony a horseback riding today,

and I'm terribly tender. My horse bucked me over and over again. Lucky horse.

You have no idea.

Billy, darling!

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Yeah, gone forever. Where does it go? Yeah, yeah, come back here.

Seems to run away.

Jackie, this is my mother, Trudy, who for my last birthday took herself to

for a week. Where should I have gone, darling? Fresno, I mean, would that have

made you happy?

I hear.

Yes.

Don't take it personally.

I was eight before my mother even noticed me.

Oh, and this is my daddy.

Oh, hi, I'm Max. Hi, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Gee, I don't see the resemblance.

Oh, I'm sorry, Antonio. My Spanish is limited to, won't your wife hear us?

Antonio,

are you deaf?

Or do doorbells mean something else in Colombia?

Thank you, darling.

Hi.

Oh, look, it's a birthday girl surrounded by her loved ones.

Well, at least by family.

This is my sister -in -law. She's a born -again Christian. And this is Jackie.

She's a lesbian heroin addict.

My whole left thigh just went numb. I've been there. So are you an addict too?

No. Well, unless you can't be addicted to Jesus.

Can't get enough of him.

This is Jerry, my brother. Who married Tish even though she wasn't pregnant.

Well, I thought she was.

But it was Trish, not Tish who was pregnant and the invitations had already

out. That's funny.

Not for Trish.

None for me, thanks.

Darling, you're a heroin addict. Surely you can have a little champagne.

Well, see, that's the problem.

I can't have a little of anything.

Well, it's not going to be much of a party, is it, with all these key

and a pregnant Christian?

Oh, Mummy, I'm sure you'll drink enough for all of us.

I'll try, darling.

Oh, come on. We've got to have a little fun.

Whoopee!

that you haven't achieved any of the goals that you or I or any reasonable

person would expect. You are special, and I'll drink to that.

I hope you're blacked out.

I'd like to make a toast, too.

Oh.

Wow.

Um, Billy?

Billy? I know you must be worried that you haven't met someone yet in your

What with the clock ticking away.

Like a time bomb.

But I just want you to remember, no matter how old you get,

Jesus loves you.

Thanks.

But he's not my type.

I have to pee. No, don't go.

A real friend would wet their pants.

These are your pants.

Hurry back.

Okay.

Antonia, follow her, quickly. Make sure she doesn't steal. Billy, follow

Antonia. I don't trust her.

Jerry, follow Billy. You know what she is.

And I'll follow Jesus.

That's one joke.

Yes, it was.

Okay.

Oh, come on, Max. There's a whole sofa.

I can't believe.

Well, for all the trouble for a girl that will not even have sex with us. And

a blowjob, which, according to the president, isn't even sex.

It is when I do it.

You'd have to pry me off with the jaws of life.

Oh, grow up. You can close your eyes.

Have I mentioned I have no gag reflex?

Have I mentioned that I do and you're making me sick?

Oh, I'm just joking.

Yeah. I'm in love with Boyd. I am a one -man man. I am a no -man man, so fuck

off.

Breeders.

Jackie, if you don't get back to the party now, my mother is going to frisk

I'll be right there.

You said that ten minutes ago.

She is showing everyone the stretch marks I gave her. I really need you out

here, Jack.

I'm here for you. No, you're in there for me.

Well, I can't pee if you're listening.

I was in the room with you once when you had sex. You waved.

What was I supposed to do?

Ignore you?

I just find it hard to believe you can't pee when I'm listening.

Some things are private.

Billy

was

such a beautiful child.

A little on the chubbier side. Well, obese, actually.

But we did everything we could.

Bruno! They won't perform liposuction on a child under the age of 10. I find

that appalling.

Thank God for diet pills.

Billy, come out from under that table. It's time for your birthday cake.

I can have some? No, but you can blow out the candles and make a wish.

Wish that you're thinner by next year.

That wasn't what I was wishing for. If you promise to jog, I'll let you lick a

candle. It's your favourite kind of cake. It's carrot.

I hate carrot cake. I'd rather throw up.

That's the spirit, darling.

Oh, thank God you're here. I'm losing my mind, Jackie. Well, maybe it's behind

the couch, you know, because a lot of shit just falls back there, just gone.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm a -okay.

I love you, man.

She had very few friends as a child. She really had to play with herself.

Oh, I said too much.

Karate chopper. Come on, do it. Don't you want to open your presents first?

were lying about that karate thing, weren't you? Did I say something about

karate?

Are you feeling all right? You look a little peaky.

Hey, yeah.

So, lady, what's your name?

Antonia! I told you, 29 candles, not two. None of them can count. No wonder

those Latin American economies are always collapsing.

It's all right, dear. No need to apologize.

Come on, everyone. Let's sing. Yes, come on.

Let's cut the song and cut the cake. Yes, that was lovely.

It's your favorite. It's carrot.

No, my favorite is chocolate.

Carrot in a cake is just wrong, like celery ice cream or radish mousse. Well,

love it. And yet, it's my birthday. It's supposed to be about me.

In case you haven't heard me for the last 29 years, I hate carrot cake. I

rather eat shit.

I wonder, I'm sorry, I can't remember all the little details, darling, so

perhaps I should start making a list of your favorite things.

Billy prefers shit.

Oh, come on, remember, this is supposed to be a party. I am doing my best. Well,

let's not get our panties in a twist.

Oh, I said panties.

Naughty.

I love it when you're naughty.

Not at a birthday party, Jim. Not at a birthday party, not in the kitchen, not

in the bedroom. When is naughty going to happen?

Listen, not that I don't enjoy this, but do presents follow the I'm a Goy, I'm a

Jew floor show?

Um, I'm sorry.

Silly me.

Fancy.

Billy, this is to you from us.

Oh.

Oh, look who's peeking out. Oh,

Jesus loves you all the time.

Oy, that's an exhausting thought.

Oh, come on, guys. We should wait for Billy, right? Stop it. Would you quit

Don't you touch that cake?

But I'm starving. We've been waiting over an hour. Where the hell is Jackie?

Okay, okay. Step away from the punch.

Lou, back off of the punch, man.

Right?

Wally, you touch that... You dip the chip, Wally. I swear... You eat that

Wally, and I'm... Wally!

What?

Do you need a soda?

Yeah.

I'll get you some.

And now for the big surprise.

Well, I guess it's not a car.

I hope you love it, sweetie. And if you don't, it was your mother's idea. She'll

love it.

Maybe it's a big credit card. Then you'll need a really big purse.

Dreams of joy, darling. I told you she'd love it.

I told you she'd hate it.

You owe me a blowjob.

Look how gorgeous you look. This is Billy on Emerald Bluff when she was at

peak. Oh, you couldn't look more beautiful unless you had the love of

your eyes.

Christ in my eyes. Wouldn't that sting?

Doesn't that just take you back, darling, to the good old days when you

wear a bathing suit in public?

Darling, darling, women have such a small window of opportunity.

Very small. It's a porthole, really.

And that ship has sailed, darling. Thanks, Mom. You look so sweet and

Sweet and innocent?

Do you realize that the girl in this picture had been up for three days doing

drugs and fucking complete strangers?

Yippee! The moment that you have chosen to immortalize in my life is when I was

a sex crazed drunken slut!

God, I miss that girl!

We all do, darling.

I'm going to go find her.

Look in the bathroom.

She's probably vomiting.

Billy. Go away.

What are you doing in there?

I'm reading an article about the Menendez brothers, and it's cheering me

Open the damn door.

No. I know karate.

Oh, bullshit, Jackie.

Look, okay, fine. I've seen Enter the Dragon at least a dozen times, and I

how to kick down the door, so I mean it. I'm going to do it.

One, two.

Oh, God!

Hello,

what happened to three?

I like to enter on two. It's my lucky number.

Oh.

You don't need to do this. Yes, I do. I don't want you to do that.

You're confused.

That might be the case.

You know, but that's the worst possible thing you can do to yourself. Take it

from me. I flipped, and not too long ago, in fact.

And I know that the good feeling won't last as long as the bad one.

Yeah, well, it will if I keep drinking. That's a bunch of bullshit, just like me

knowing karate.

It is my birthday, Jackie. Is it so bad to want to fucking drink on my birthday?

You don't want to drink because it's your birthday.

You want to drink because it's Wednesday, because you're alive, because

awake, because you're an alcoholic.

You know what?

I think that you're not getting this whole entourage thing. You know, I mean,

what I was really looking for was a yes man.

You know, do I look good in this? Yes.

Didn't you love the way I slugged that photographer? Yes.

Want another round?

Yes.

Well, then I guess you should get another entourage, because I'm not going

let you drink.

Good year.

So, what do you want to do?

I want to get out of here.

So...

I think we should do the mature, polite, grown -up thing and make a run for it.

Okay. On one, two.

Thank you. Thank you.

Surprise!

Surprise!

My, where did the time go?

Surprise! What is this?

Surprise party for you. Well, it was a few hours ago.

Me? You missed a great party.

We saved you some cake, though.

Uh, no, we didn't.

Uh, too bad. We got you chocolate.

You got me chocolate?

Yeah.

Chocolate is my very favorite.

I know. I mean, you told me. Yeah, but no one ever remembers.

God.

You guys, this is the best birthday party I ever missed.

Thank you so much.

I planned the whole thing myself.

Oh, God, you are so cute.

But I can have sex with you.

But I'll have sex with anybody else. Kick me, kick me, kick me.

It's a party, right?

Happy birthday, sir.

Oh,

yeah, the salsa.

How was the other party?

Antonio,

more mac chardonnay, pronto.

Now, remember, if you break any of those, it's coming out of your salary.

Gracias, darling.

Yeah, I think the party went pretty well.

You think so, dear? I thought last year's was a little better. Well, you

here last year. Right.