Original subtitles

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see the basics. I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone who understands?

I really should get going to work.

Unless you can give me a reason to stay.

Um... No.

So that's it. We finished 30 seconds ago. What am I?

Well... Leaving.

Really? I can go?

I don't have to talk to you or cuddle?

Thank God I love you. And I don't mean that.

And I don't believe you. And it doesn't matter.

Because I'm not looking for a commitment.

In fact, the only way that this could be better is if you were married and

living in Buffalo.

Why Buffalo? No, no, I hate Buffalo.

Well, I think that's something that you need to work out with your wife.

Who cares about her?

Well, I obviously don't.

This is so great.

Because you know what I wish?

If right now you turned into a breakfast burrito and a sports section.

It is so good that we don't have to pretend when the sex is over because

so much pretending during sex that I just like to relax afterwards.

How much pretending are we talking about?

Well, it's not so much pretending as it is acting.

What? I mean, worrying.

Shouldn't you be shuffling off to Buffalo?

I'm going to take a later flight. What pretending?

Come on, what worrying?

Well, you know, like the stuff I didn't worry about when I was drunk. Like, how

was I?

You were great.

Really? I think two of my feelings fell out.

That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

No, I'll see you around. Yeah.

Say hi to the kids.

Do you know that you are every guy's fantasy?

Gorgeous, horny, emotionally shut off.

Oh, thanks. I've been burying my emotions for years, darling. Got in the

somewhere. I don't remember where I put them. You know what I say?

Who needs emotions? They just screw everything up.

Oh, exactly.

I mean, how many relationships have they ruined?

Like, the last thing you want when you're fucking someone is feelings.

I mean, from the neck up.

I mean, it's like you're me, right? I mean, most people want a meaningful

relationship. I want a meaningless relationship.

I'm the guy for you because I'm going to expect absolutely nothing.

And absolutely nothing is what you'll get. So what we have here is nothing.

Exactly.

Well, some of the best nothing I've ever had.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

What? Oh, nothing.

Really? Oh, baby.

Oh,

that's not bad enough.

He's going to kill us if he finds out we did this. Oh, he's not going to find

out. Just pretend nothing happened.

Nothing did.

Several times.

Hey, Chad. Hi, Jen.

Oh, my God. You two fucked.

How'd you know?

Way to cover there, Billy.

I always know when people have had sex, even when I don't want to know. It's a

curse. She and your parents must be tough. You have no idea.

Dave, I told you to stay away from her.

Hey, whatever he did to me, I did to him twice.

Oh, nice.

Billy, I have to say, as your sponsor, I am more disappointed in you than I was

in the Ellen finale.

Oh, Chad, I mean, I'm not a newcomer anymore. I just got my 30 -day get -out

-my -panties speech.

I thought that we were talking about you being celibate for a year.

Right. Look at him.

Could you wait a year?

We're not talking about me. Sex is dangerous at this point of your sobriety

because it stirs up all those feelings. Not here. Not me. No way.

No way. No way.

Oh, there'll be no problems in this relationship.

No, we're not having a relationship. We're just having sex. And it is so much

more fun when I'm sober.

Before I kept passing out during all the best parts.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

You see, and that story has no effect on me whatsoever.

Do you still have that outfit?

Yes, and if you're a good little boy, I'll show it to you later.

I'll be good.

Billy, I don't care what you say.

Underneath this... A thin layer of denial is a huge pit of emotion

love me, love me, love me. No, relax.

Nobody is using the L word here.

Or maybe lube again.

And for your information, many guys have a habit of falling in love with me.

Really? Well, Dave has a habit of screwing every girl he says hello to.

sometimes he only gets to...

Look, you're just jealous because you can't have him. Oh, I bet I could, is

I'm saying. But that's not the point. The two things that people usually drink

over are sex and money.

Okay, then I will make a solemn promise. I will not fuck Dave.

I'm a huge pile of cash.

No, no, no sex.

Your sobriety has to come first.

My sobriety does come first.

And then I come.

Oh, God.

Come on, is that so bad?

I got a coffee commitment. I answered phones. I got a sponsor. And let's not

forget the prayer attempt.

What else is there?

Well, lots. For instance, you haven't reached out to anyone else in the

Except Dave.

And Dave doesn't really need your help.

Dave needs my help, but that's another story.

Reaching out. Okay, I am not Diana Ross.

Okay, and I am not Gladys Knight.

Though I did fuck a pip.

Anyway, you need to stay sober. And in this program, you do so by helping other

people stay sober.

How many people are we talking about? Because I really don't like people.

that's good, Billy, because people really don't like you. But let's try,

we? I have this vision. It's a fantasy, really. And in it, you are being nice to

someone, and you're actually talking to them. And when they talk back to you,

believe it or not, you actually listen.

What?

Find a woman in the program, offer to help her, and give her your phone

Every time I come here, there is some new, crappy, boring, helpful shit I've

to do for somebody. I mean, this is going to end me up in the Peace Corps,

living in a mud hut and waving away flies and teaching pygmies to irrigate.

Don't be silly. The Peace Corps would never take you. Your sunscreen needs

would disqualify you.

Not to mention your personality.

Diana, just a guess.

Lack of canoeing skills. Fine. Okay, if I reach out to someone and give them my

number, will you get off my back about Dave? Yes. I'll even get off Dave's

Dave's back.

Oh, look.

Look, look, look.

There's a new face.

Go on, Diana.

Reach out and touch it.

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine, okay? I'm here to help you. Can't you tell when

somebody's reaching out?

Uh, not really.

I always misread people.

Like the other day, there was this Girl Scout trying to sell me some cookies,

and I sprayed her with mace.

In hindsight, I can see that there were clues.

The uniform, cookies.

Yeah, and the fact that she was eight. I think I'm going to reach out to someone

else. Oh, okay, well, that's fine. I'm only in town for two days anyway.

Oh, well, in that case, you know, if you feel the need to drink, call me.

Because I am there, and I care.

My name's Ruth, by the way. Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, hello.

Hey, did I wake you?

No. You want to come over?

Yes.

This is for sex, right?

No, I'm calling you at two in the morning wearing a teddy because I want

about my day.

I'm doing a really neat trick right now with a towel.

Let me guess. Is it hanging from your dick?

Yeah.

I bet I can do a better trick.

Yeah? Yeah, let's just say it involves sword swallowing.

My towel just leapt for joy.

I'll be right up.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You've got to say the magic word.

Abracadabra? Hocus Pocus?

Nope. I won't come in your mouth.

Bingo! Oh, holy crap. Hold on.

Hello?

Ruth?

Yeah, I remember. The one that said you didn't need any help.

Malibu? Look, I'm not driving all the way to Malibu to pick you up from a

that I was not invited to.

Hey, is anybody good there?

Oh, him.

No, no, no.

Look, I want a drink, too, but do you see me calling you up and bothering you

about it?

Fine. Fine.

Okay, just look, whatever you do, don't tell Posse I'm coming because I owe him

money. Hold on.

Dave? Yeah? I gotta take a rain tag.

What? Yeah, I'll call you later, though.

Okay.

There goes my trick.

Thanks, Billy. I really owe you one.

Yeah, the one plus gas money.

And again, I am so sorry about Patsy. I had no idea he was out there. I mean, I

was just as surprised as you when he jumped on the car like that.

You told the police the people I hated jumped on the car. It's the first time

actually happened.

Anyway, thank you so much for letting me stay.

I hope I wasn't too much trouble.

Too late.

You don't need anything, do you? I could use a blanket.

Yeah, well, you should have thought of that before we went to the party. Good

night.

Now, hold on a second. All right, Gunter, let me get this straight.

Okay. Your villain is a maggot the size of a Kmart, right?

With an appetite for human entrails?

Oh, it's sensational.

Plus, I can get entrails also for my cousin. No, no, I love the idea, too.

Brainstorm, I got the title.

Are you sitting down for this? Ready?

Maggot. Yeah.

Fantastic, right? Okay, listen.

When's my car going to be ready?

Tuesday? Fantastico. Okay, I'll pick up the first draft then.

Okay. Hey, Duncan Shane, right back at you, baby.

You are letting Gunther, the mechanic, write a script?

I mean, he barely speaks English.

And his spelling is still better than yours.

Oh.

I hear the phone ringing. Who's going to get that?

A machine.

Listen, I have to tell you something great, okay?

Last night, first time in my life, I actually helped somebody.

Mm, film at 11.

I drove all the way to Malibu in the middle of the night without cocaine even

being involved.

So what are you saying? You can't answer the phone without a little blow? No,

I'm saying I helped this poor, desperate woman who was about to get wildly drunk

and do God knows what.

Is she pretty? What's her name? Who cares? The point is how great I was.

I mean, I opened my arms, my home, my heart. Well, not my heart. Oh, Bella,

listen, with all due respect, unless this story ends with you...

Opening your legs.

I'm not that interested in that. Well, if you are not going to support my

progress, then I'm just going to have to go to lunch.

Lunch? Hey, what are you, crazy? Come on, it's 11 o 'clock and you got here

late. That is what I'm saying.

Darling.

Thank God. You are my only hope. The vagina's after me. She's sucking the

out of me.

Now there is an idea for a movie.

Vampire vagina.

Oh, that is revolting. But if it's going to make money, I want ten percent.

Three. Eight. Five. Done. Now, I want to produce the credit.

Okay, Mom, what are you doing here? I mean, where's his... Darling, she's

ditched in the lobby. She's forced me to go baby shopping with her. You know I

can't be seen nearer back than that.

I can't let any of my friends think that I'm going to be a grandmother.

Relax, Mother. Most of them don't even know you're a mother.

I have achieved that, darling, with great cunning and subterfuge. And

occasionally locking me in a closet.

Well, I always gave you a little book and a flashlight.

And an endless supply of vodka, I'm guessing. All she wanted.

Listen, darling, Tish is going to be here any minute. Say that you need me

something. Hey, how about answering the phones?

Can you answer the phone?

Does anyone in your family ever pick up a phone, seen a phone, ever heard of a

phone?

There you are, Grandma.

Oh, fuck.

You know, that elevator door shut right on my jacket.

But here you are.

harm done except possibly to that jacket, which, frankly, is a blessing.

Huh, Billy?

Hey. Oh, my.

Oh,

she must have a medical problem.

Uh, Tish, this is my boss, Harv Schwartz. Harv, my sister -in -law.

Very nice to meet you.

Darling, hope I'm not late for our very important lunch. What do you mean late

lunch? What are you talking about? What time do you guys get up? What are you,

dairy farmers?

Yeah, pasteurization is a bitch. Oh, and homogenization. Let's go, darling.

What about the baby shopping?

We don't even have a crib yet. Where's the baby gonna sleep?

Details, details, darling. I kept Billy in a drawer till she was three.

Yeah, that's why I'm so short. And afraid of file cabinets.

See you tomorrow.

Are you going to get... Oh, thank God.

I thought I was the only one who heard that. Oh, God, ringing in my ears, brain

tumor. I was starting to worry.

Oh, God, you poor thing.

Oh, here.

Hello?

Harv Schwartz Productions. Harv Schwartz Productions.

Why? Why, why, why, why, why?

Just a moment.

It's a lady friend of yours.

Though at the moment, I'd be hard -pressed to call her a lady.

Hey, look.

If she's pregnant, I am not here. I'm sorry. He just stepped out.

To hell.

You going down?

Would you like me to?

Well, um... Hey.

Get out of the app.

Um, by the way, my name is... Jesus Christ!

Oh, lady, please.

No more.

I'm semenless.

Plus, I can't feel my legs.

I'll feel them.

No.

Hey, Dave.

Oh, shit.

Shit. Shit.

Hold on.

I'm ready to see that towel trick now.

Did you show that towel for me?

Get dressed. Oh, God. Oh, my God. God, just calm down, okay? It's not like you

need a wipe or anything, right? Your wife's in the bubble. Come on. What's

on? Nothing.

That kind of nothing.

Hey, Billy.

You know her?

Well, obviously not as well as you do. We just met. Really? Well, most people

shake hands, Japanese bow.

What fucking country are you from? Oh, Kansas.

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

But don't worry, I didn't drink.

Well, whoop -dee -fucking -do.

Come on, now, don't be upset. No, who's upset?

Well, I am if no one has that.

Well, I am happy.

I am. I mean, I helped Ruth, you know, and Ruth...

you know helped herself to you and clearly you couldn't help yourself you

me there was nothing between us there isn't and this proves it anyway i have

go because there's so many other pretty girls that you know i have to help she

thinks i'm pretty

No, senora.

The missus no after home.

Mother?

Billy. You come in quickly. Keep away from the windows.

What is it? Oh, is it tax time again?

No, darling. Worth the vagina. She won't leave me alone.

After our lunch together, she trapped me down like a bloodhound. After the polo

lunch, I was just about to score with this divine Honduran towel boy. She

running and she's yelling, Grandma!

Come on. Thank God he didn't speak English and he had a cabana to mop.

Done, darling.

This is why I come here.

Oh, no matter how many problems I have, it's hard to think about them when I'm

pretending to be G .I. Joe. Ow!

Oh, you all right, Joe?

Oh, yes, yes. Mother, go on without me.

Save yourself. Yes, I will, darling. Anthony, I'll get in here. The troops

hungry. Oh, she's probably stuffing steaks into her brandy.

crudités. I really feel like a tuna fish sandwich.

Y yo siento que mi idea de nadar hasta este país fue muy precipitada.

God, she's so slow.

Darling, everything all right?

Oh, great.

Just walked in on Dave with a half -naked wand.

Oh, I see, I see.

Half -naked.

Yeah. What are you doing?

I mean, why are you winking?

What? Don't, because you were winking at me. I mean, I am polite. If someone

winks at me, I wink back.

I'm not winking.

You're twitching. Oh, that's it, you're jealous. A mother always knows.

Oh, well, then how would you?

I'm not jealous.

I mean, why would I be jealous? You know, I mean, Dave can sleep with

wants. I don't care. If you expect anyone to believe that, you're going to

to get an iPad.

Just a minute. How can I be jealous if I don't have any feelings, Mom?

Oh, I wouldn't know, darling. I haven't felt anything in years.

Thank God for the Valium.

Mother, you're not supposed to drink alcohol when you're taking Valium. It

so right on the bottle.

What are you talking about, darling?

Look, all it says is Sonoma 1996.

Not that bottle. I mean the Valium bottle.

Darling, don't be absurd. I know.

Take my Valium with Chardonnay. I take it with water.

And then I drink my Chardonnay.

Oh, an eye patch?

That all you need is a little parrot and a peg leg and you're set. It's not

funny. Okay, see?

I'm twitching.

Twitching you are.

It's a sign of tension. It's stress.

Personal problem. It's Dave. Told you. I told you. You told me to reach out,

okay? You practically threw me into that dyed blonde hole with the perkiest tits

I've ever seen.

If you've seen her tits, you have reached too far.

I didn't reach for them.

Dave reached for them. Oh, really? And who told you he would?

Don't tell me you told me, okay? This is all your fault. How?

I haven't figured it out yet. I'm too busy twitching.

But you are still sober. Oh, shut up!

Meeting time.

Pirates first.

Arg. Arg.

Billy, there you are.

Listen, wait, wait. I want you to know, I was up all night. I didn't sleep at

all. Oh, really?

With who?

Oh, my God, what's wrong with you, right? Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Honey, honey, I want to apologize, okay?

I know what I did was wrong. It was inconsiderate. I never want to put you

through something like that again.

Except from now on, if I get a woman in my apartment, I'm going to put a sock on

the door.

I will give you a sock.

Hi, Dave. Hi, Philly.

Oh, eat me.

Okay.

It's an expression, Ruth.

Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy meeting.

So, in short, if you're going to piss on the floor, and I'm not pointing any

fingers, Lou, please bring a mop.

All right.

Does anybody want to share?

Oh, I can.

Hi, my name is Ruth, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Ruth.

And a sex addict.

Boy, did she fall off the wagon. Tell me about it. Anyway, I just want to say

that I had a few sexual slips.

But in my own defense, I'm a stripper, so it's hard for me to keep my clothes

on. Oh, this keeps getting better and better.

I give lap dances at Horndog's. It's down by the airport.

Tonight's my last show.

Anyway, when I'm, you know, writhing naked against a man's

firm, hard thighs, I just get so hot and I lose control and I just want to go

right for it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I should let someone else hear. No, no, no.

Thanks, guys.

And Cindy.

Get to the point.

Okay, well, I slept with Dave.

I just want to tell you that he did not tell me that he was having sex with

Billy. She didn't tell me that she knew Billy. Not that I could get a word in

edgewise. Every time I opened my mouth, she stuck something in it. Oh, right,

like she just ran up to you and shoved her tit in your mouth, and you're like,

stop. What do you care what she put in my mouth, all right? You told me that

what we had was nothing.

Yeah, well, it was nothing. I'm just surprised you wanted more nothing after

the nothing you had the night before. Hey, are you calling these nothing? No,

Ruth, Ruth, put them away.

And you, after all I did for you?

What? Pick me up in your shit car and let me freeze to death on your couch?

Oh, so if I would have given you a blanket, you wouldn't have fucked my

boyfriend?

Boyfriend? What? No, I mean friend.

Neighbor.

Asshole! Asshole!

You wanted me married and living in Buffalo! You wanted me to be a burrito!

love burritos! I love them! But I also like tacos and the occasional fajita.

I knew it. That's no problem. It's no problem. You know why? Because I have a

lot of menus I can order from. I've had Chinese, Italian, Hungarian, Thai. So

how do you feel about a little soul food?

Let's go, baby. Okay, you can eat whoever the hell you want. Just write me

fuck off the menu.

Fine. Fine.

Fuck you.

Fuck, fuck, fuck you.

Yeah.

Fuck that.

Bring back the stripper.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God, I have to go to work.

Can somebody give me a ride?

This is the most confusing pirate movie I've ever seen.

Grandma, I want to show you my new breath pump.