Original subtitles

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics. I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone to understand?

We were talking the other day about you lending me some money till I got another

job. Not really, darling.

By the way, thank you so much for coming over tonight.

You know how I feel about the vagina.

All vaginas or just my sister -in -law?

As far as all vaginas go, I'd like to take mine off and put it in a drawer.

Talk about a surprise for the maid.

As for that particular vagina, no tish did turn your brother into a born -again

Christian. Which is a slap in the face to all of us non -practicing Jews.

I always say, why practice when you can hire someone to do it for you?

Very good. Back to Tish, darling.

Come on.

You were in jail.

How much is a hit man?

Well, I was in girl jail. Oh.

So I only met hit girls.

Hit girls. Once the baby's born, we'll talk about it some more. But for now, I

suppose we must conceal our feelings from the vagina.

That's easy.

I always conceal my feelings from my vagina. You don't, darling.

I'll get it. He never really does.

What are you whispering about?

Nothing bad things about you, darling. Oh, well, then thank you very much.

Oh, hi.

Hey.

Hello,

Grandma.

Hit girl. That might be a way to go.

Excuse me. Aren't we going to say great?

Great.

We thank you, Jesus, for these appetizers and for this loving family.

Amen.

Oh, wait a minute. Hey.

Jesus says you're welcome.

I can't believe you're going to be fathered, Jerry. I'm just so proud of

Oh, thanks, Mom. But, you know, Tish did all the work.

He doesn't just lie there? Billy. Hey, Jerry, I think this calls for a toast.

Champagne, anybody?

Billy? No, no.

The court sent her to addictions and nothing else. So? So they can't even

alcohol. Everyone, look, you don't have to freak out or change anything about

yourself. Just because I went to a couple meeting. Why would I have to

anything? Oh, you do not have to change a thing, Cookie.

Kiss, kiss, darling.

Billy, you are so noble.

As a woman who has had her life transformed by Jesus Christ. Oh,

Yes. I just want to say how proud I am of you. Of grabbing yourself up by the

bootstraps and pulling yourself out of the muck.

You know what your problem is.

Do I have to pick one? You don't know how much we all love you.

It's a little hard to see with all the muck.

Well, I want to do something for you to support your sobriety. No, that's really

funny, because you're one of the reasons I drink.

Billy, concealing. It's okay.

It's okay. I know Billy hides the pain over her shattered life with humor. And

violence sometimes, so watch it.

I got it.

I can come over there and clean up that hellhole you call... H -hole you call an

apartment. That way when I come visit, I won't get so nauseous.

Or you could just not come over.

You have to let the vagina do it, darling, for Teresa's sake. Clean up

dress. You look as if you've wet yourself.

Well, you know, some people find that very druggy. Oh, it's easy to see why

you're so popular then, darling.

No, it's fine.

Hey,

Joe.

Can I get another Irish coffee?

I love the way you go on the wagon. Well, I was on.

My family pushed me off.

Oh, besides, Drew Barrymore stole my feet.

And my career.

Well, I, for one, am happy to have you back here on the dark side.

Yeah? Well, all my friends are in hell anyway, and I would hate to get to

and not know anyone.

I can take you to heaven.

Oh, yeah?

Hmm.

Your cloud or mine?

My cloud's king size.

Hmm.

The water and headboard and handcuffs.

You win.

Oh, good.

My head.

Oh, man.

Oh.

Oh. I can't believe he left me like that.

At least he left.

Billy! Open up, it's Dave.

Oh, yes.

Billy!

Open the door.

My floor, my bestest friend.

Billy, put the guy in the closet and open the door, honey. Yeah!

Billy, open up!

Stop moving floor.

Stop. You're supposed to stay still so that I can move.

Billy, I know you're in there. I hear you mumbling at the floor.

Billy.

Oh, yes.

There's that condom.

Bye, kids.

Billy.

You told me you'd go with me to the 7 a .m. meeting.

I was drunk when I said that.

I catch you at a bad time. Huh?

Or a good time. Is somebody naked under there? Cut out!

Stop! You gotta buy a toothbrush.

I know I had some dignity around here somewhere.

Yeah, somewhere. Maybe it's under this underwear. Oh, no, that's a sandwich.

That might be bad.

Wait, is that semen?

Yeah, I will thank you not to mock my semen collection. And a very impressive

collection it is, too. I'm saving it for the Smithsonian, the presidential

exhibit. Look, Dan.

Dave. Glad I got the first letter right, okay?

You're very tall and cute.

And here, which is my favorite, but I'm sure your little, you know, 12 -step

cult of fanatics will be there tomorrow, drinking coffee and ruining parties

everywhere. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to bed now, okay?

That's it.

See, now, I'm going to have to screw your brains out, and that way, you'll

in love with me, you'll follow me to the meetings, see?

Oh, we could just sleep together and screw the meetings, too.

That's a tough choice.

Or not so tough. No.

No. No. I'm going to go for door number three, okay? I'm going to take you to

the meeting. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Come down. Please, come down. Hey.

How you doing?

Meeting time.

Jackie, could you read page seven?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Honesty.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Honesty.

What does all this honesty crap got to do with not drinking?

What time did you start drinking last night?

Well, it depends on what time you think the night began. I mean, most people say

six, but to me that means five because it's so close to six, but then I never

wear a watch.

See, that's the kind of honesty that they're not talking about.

Well, I meant to stay sober.

Somehow I ended up in a bar with a drink in one hand and a guy in the other.

Somehow. Somehow. What, little evil fairies carry you into the bar? No, big

hairy demons drag me to the bar and they'll kick your ass, too.

Ten bucks if my demons could kick the shit out of your demons. Oh, please.

Really? Well, I killed my fucking demons. Oh, what was that, my brother?

Well, so, you guys, Gail, um, you met in rehab?

Yep. So what brought you two together?

It was really romantic, actually.

This guy.

He was staring at me during group. And I cut him.

Yeah. Oh, it's romantic, all right. I know. It sounds bad. No.

No, it does.

But see, the guy, he had been very uncommunicative.

And well, now, he had something he could talk about.

No, yeah, it opened him up, you know?

Ma!

Gotta call my fucking probation officer.

He pages you? That's thoughtful. Shut up, asshole.

I just love her.

She's moving in with Dave and me.

Into our building?

Yep. Two lesbians, you know. Thought it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Who knew? So, what do you think?

She's one scary lesbian.

Yeah, I know, I know.

See, that's what I love about her, you know.

I mean, sometimes I wish I could just take her back to school with me, you

So she could beat up all the guys who call me lesbogenic.

I'd like her to beat up some people for me, too.

I'm just afraid I'd have to go down on her.

Well, see, I'm gay, and that's my specialty.

Que es me.

I mean, you can't give head if your teeth are chattering with fear.

This is turning into my favorite conversation of the week.

So, Billy, you're not homophobic, are you?

No. Look, I am very liberal.

I've slept with a woman, I've been told.

And I believe that every woman should have lesbian sex at least once.

To rule it out.

And I'm even more liberal than she is. I think every woman should have lesbian

sex right now. When do we begin that?

I said get off the fucking phone, bitch!

She has a certain charm that she must keep locked up in a vault.

Well, she grows on you.

Go do tumors.

Yeah, and tanker sores.

Guys, hey, you know, this happens to be the woman I love.

You know, and since you are my friend, you have to respect that.

And if not, she'll just beat the crap out of you.

Oh, Pookie, calm down. I'm sorry.

Oh, boy.

The honesty thing is great.

Now I've offended the junkie.

Don't worry so much about the honesty thing for now, right?

Just don't drink for the rest of the day, okay?

All right?

What's important is that you share with me all of your little intimate lesbian

details. I think you're going to feel much better if you talk about it. I know

will. I am not going to share my intimate stuff like that with you.

Are you crazy?

Yeah.

Besides,

I got to go.

I'm getting my apartment cleaned by the vagina.

Yeah. Bye.

Does it charge by the hour?

Let me just thank you so much for doing this.

Ah!

It's a thought.

Now, if you clean these things up right away... You'd never come over again!

I'm kidding.

I guess I just don't get your sense of humor.

There are so many funny things I could say to that, but you wouldn't get them.

Oh, was that one?

No.

You know, Billy, I'm an only child, and I used to watch you on Emerald Block

when I was little, and I used to fantasize that you were my sister.

Really? I used to fantasize I was on a better show.

The way your character Diana stood up to her mother. I wish you could come right

out of that TV and tell my mother to shove it.

Oh, just get a few drinks for me and I'll do it right now.

Really, but thank you so much for doing this because many a trained professional

has come here and, well, tried, frankly.

Anything for a sister.

Gee, she just doesn't want to come off.

Oh, that.

There's kind of a funny story behind that, which you probably wouldn't see

humor in. Why don't you just really leave that alone, okay? No, no, no.

I'm going to get it.

It's just stuck on there.

I can't tell if it's food.

How do I say this?

It was food.

Oh, my gosh.

I guess that wasn't the way.

Oh, my gosh.

It won't be my sister?

What is the matter? Oh, come on. Like you've never vomited on the floor

I have not. Well, you don't know what you're missing.

The vomiting is not the issue.

I can't believe I just said the vomiting is not the issue.

How in God's world did this happen? It all started out as an innocent lesbian

experience like we all had back in the 80s. You know Annie Lennox? She's got

that suit on and that short hair and you're going, she is so cool.

Although... Not cool enough that I didn't eat 12 Irish coffees before I

in. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my

God, I missed.

Oh, holy crap.

Are you all right?

Oh,

I did just slip in my own...

want to go.

You are covered in puke, and I don't know if anyone's told you, but it's just

not polite to vomit after cunnilingus. Look, I didn't mean to be rude, but hey,

on the bright side, I guess it proves I'm not gay.

Well, I am, and I'm calling my husband.

Oh, look, um, come on. I'm sorry.

Harry, could you come and get me?

Harry, right away.

Kathy, I'm really sorry I got sick. I just, I drank too much. It wasn't

of the kind of, whatever.

By the way, did I get that right at all? Because it's a lot more complicated

than I thought.

Oh, my gosh.

Isn't that a funny story?

As a Christian woman, I believe I can say with complete certainty.

That you are the devil.

Oh.

You know how they say beware of the devil?

Well, they mean you.

That story is so disgusting on so many levels.

I just feel tainted being here. Hey, wait a minute, lady, okay? I didn't want

you here in the first place. As far as I'm concerned, Christian women must give

the best blowjobs in the world for my brother to be with you. Get me behind

these things!

I don't like you.

Nobody... likes you. Oh, that's not true. Oh, yeah?

Do you know what my mother calls you?

The vagina.

You are not a nice girl.

So, the vagina's pill hasn't worked.

Ow.

My mother's been paging me all day.

You going to call her back?

Thank you.

I think I'll let him do it.

Listen, you know I like to pretend that I don't notice your personal life,

darling, but is there a reason?

Why, an incoherent, drunken man has been returning my pages, screaming into the

phone that I am an old whore.

I can't believe he calls you old.

Anyway, look, I know why you're here.

Your brother, well, that he is never coming to the house again because you

Tish that I call her the vagina behind her back.

And you came over to thank me. Oh, let's have a big hug.

Or not.

How could you do such a thing?

Well, I...

Mom, you do call her the vagina.

Behind her back.

Do you get the meaning there? The behindness and the backness. You do

behind someone's back so they don't know about it. Why don't they? Because their

head, which does all the figuring out, faces front. Now, they can't really turn

their head far enough round to see behind their back. And that's how you

make funny faces and say bad things.

I get the whole behind the back.

thing. It's just I don't want to be behind anyone's back anymore. I want to

right in front of their back. I am in Addictions Anonymous now. Oh, show that

me. Yes, and in order to get sober, we have to be honest.

Listen, you want to be honest about yourself, darling, go right ahead. But

you be honest about me?

After all, it's our dislike of Tish that's one of the things we share.

It's how we bond, darling.

Oh, my gosh. I never thought of it like that. Well, now, you think about it in

the car on the way to the house.

What?

They're waiting for an apology.

Oh, why?

I've explained everything to her. I told you, you made it all up in a fit of

drunken rage.

But I wasn't drunk.

So what?

You're drunk every other day. Just pretend you were drunk today.

Oh, great. So basically, I just have to say everything was my fault, right? I'm

the scapegoat.

Yes, darling, you've really grasped this whole thing so well, darling. I'm very

proud. Now, get your purse, because afterwards I'll buy you an outfit. But I

always have to say everything is my fault.

Everything always is, darling. But that's all right.

That's why we had you, darling. We needed that person in the family.

Listen, after we shop, maybe we'll have some sushi.

No, it isn't all right. I mean, my whole life, you know, you made me lie for

you. And you became a fabulous actress, darling. You see how everything always

works out. Now, come along, darling. The badge is waiting. She did a good job,

by the way. No, not this time, Mother. This time, I'm not going to be a foul

guy. This time, I'm standing by my truth.

I'll give you $1 ,000.

I've got my purse.

And you thought you could get away with an outfit and some sushi?

I have never heard her call you a vagina.

I've never even heard her use the word vagina. Have you?

I don't think she even has a vagina.

Oh, she has a vagina.

Can't you just say the word Virginia?

Yes, really.

You better have a good explanation.

I don't care.

I can't even bear to look at her.

Hey, I understand. I don't have any makeup on.

Listen.

Okay, what I did, what I said, it was horrible.

It was terrible.

I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry.

And...

You know, I'm not a well person.

Hey, there you go.

Yeah, well, I just want to know one thing.

Does your mother call me up?

I can't even say it.

Vagina? Yes.

No, I just made that up because I was embarrassed about the vomit.

And you've never slept with a woman.

I don't think I've heard this part of the story before. You know, what

difference does that make? Is there a reason I have to be here? My stomach

Homosexuality is an abomination against God.

Abomination? Yeah. Have you seen how many homosexuals are walking around? I

a feeling God likes funny girl a lot more than you think.

How did you become gay?

I thought you were a slut.

I'm not gay.

Oh, thank God.

You said you just slept with a woman.

That's how I know I'm not gay.

Oh, my stomach. Look, I came here to apologize for saying that my mother

you the vagina at every conceivable opportunity.

But now, I would just like to add that I never slept with a woman.

You know, and if I did, I didn't like it.

And, um, I just, I would really like to make it up to you by

throwing you a baby shower.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. That's mean.

That is the...

Sweetest, most generous thing.

Oh, that's okay.

That's okay.

Just let me know in advance how many strippers you want.

I got that one.

And to show you the love Jesus Christ has in his heart for you, I forgive you.

And I want to thank you for accepting me and the life in my womb into your

heart. Well, I got a lot of womb in my heart.

Honesty may be the best policy, but lying gets you better shoes.

Open up, please, Dave.

Hey. Hey, thank you. Wow.

Hmm, place looks great.

Ooh, it's a vagina.

Much better than my place. Right now, you know, Yvonne came over.

There's a convict lesbian in my apartment brandishing just a...

A huge dildo. Oh, and you don't like that?

Not as much as I thought I would, no.

I say, leave the lesbian sex to the professionals.

Because when I tried it, it was a disaster.

All right.

Molly. Well,

oh, me and... We're in bed.

We're fondling each other, right?

And... Well, every girl knows the position she looks best in. And I look

top. Unfortunately, so did she.

And neither one of us is willing to lay on our backs or both just, like,

wrestling with each other. And, God, I mean, it was so exhausting. I lost three

pounds. Of course, it could have been the vomiting, but... Dave.

Dave.

Oh.

I was still thinking about you on top. Oh. Which would be perfect, because I

look great on my back. Oh.

And you could wear these heels.

Yes. And maybe a hat.

Yeah? And you could wear my handcuffs because they look so good with my new

shoes.

Which I had to lie to get.

Is that okay?

Sure, fine. I'll wear a garter belt if you want me to. No, no, no. I'm asking

it's okay that I lied to get all this stuff.

As long as you weren't lying about the lesbian shit, it's okay by me.

Come on. I mean, I thought you had to be honest in order to stop drinking.

No, no. You have to stop drinking.

To stop drinking. You have to be honest. To stay thumped. Oh, my God.

But screw that.

Or better yet, screw me, honey. I'm dying here.

I just realized something. I have stopped. I didn't drink today.

You didn't? No, I didn't even think about it. I mean, I humiliated my sister

-law. I screamed at my mother. I lied to my family.

I was busy.

Congratulations.

happy for me? Yes, of course I am. I am. I'm thrilled.

But, you know, I'm gonna go back down. Those lesbians can't go on forever.

Actually, they probably can.

Wait a minute.

Hey.

What about... I want to.

But I gotta go.

I thought you just said that I could be on time.

That's when I thought you were still drinking. Hey, you're sober now.

I can act drunk?

No. This is a big prize I get?

I got two rules, all right?

I don't drink. I don't sleep with people that are newly sober. I didn't know I

was going to meet you when I made those rules, but I did, and I have, so I

can't. I got to go. Goodbye.

Wait a minute.

I mean, I've got rules, too, you know.

And my number one rule is no cute guy leaves without fucking me first.

That's a good rule, okay? I like your rule much better. I do.

I don't want to take advantage of you, okay? I don't want to.

Yes, you do.

You're right.

I do. I do. But I'm not going to. Please, don't make me. Okay?

Please take advantage.

Good night.

You, I know, take advantage.

I need a hobby.