Original subtitles

Wow.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Hey,

I'm back.

I hope it is happy hour because I am happy.

Hey, Billy.

I have.

You gonna have Irish coffee? Easy on the coffee.

I love a man who knows what I want.

How many of those have you made, huh? Oh, I'm not sure. I keep passing out.

But I love you.

I guess you could say I have a drinking problem.

Certainly everyone else has.

The first time I noticed it, I was in high school when I was voted girl most

likely to vomit.

And so, a toast.

To Mike's bar and bar.

May you never be the designated driver.

This is a story about me getting better.

Although, according to most guys, I was pretty damn good already.

You know, you have the most beautiful eyes.

No, you do.

No, you do. No, you do. I'm telling you, you do. Okay, wait a minute. Let's see.

You're right. I do. You do.

Can I take you out to dinner?

You're so cute.

You could just plain take me.

Where do you want to eat? Your face.

Any place.

I just, I need to go home and change.

No, no, no, don't change much.

I meant my underwear.

I really like you. Yeah, I really like you too.

You ready to go?

Okay.

I'll drive.

Okay, because I don't know where I barge.

Holy crap!

I have pepper spray! It's okay, Billy. We're all here for you.

Why are you here for me, Pitt?

Well, because I'm your sister -in -law. We're family.

And who the hell are you?

My name is Fran, and I'm a therapist.

Good for you.

What a relief.

I mean, I thought you guys were robbers, although now I think I could kick all

you asses.

Probably the booth talking.

Billy, this is an intervention.

Your whole family, none of whom could be here tonight, think it's high time that

you take a look and do something about your drinking.

I mean, not only have you ruined your own life, which is, you know, obvious,

you're ruining ours.

Right. You know what?

You guys are crazy.

Look, this party sounds like it would be a lot of fun, but I've got that brain

tumor party to go to and a cute guy waiting downstairs. So drink up, or

And, oh, if anyone gets hungry, there's always some food under the couch.

Bia wouldn't want to be ya.

Sure you have your keys?

I hope so. Otherwise, I'll have to do it in the hallway. All the neighbors will

want to join in. It's a friendly building, you know.

Oh.

What? This is it.

This one?

Yeah. Okay.

Let's see.

You got your stuff?

Here we go. Which one?

Is it the big one? Yeah, I hope so. Yeah?

And it goes in the little hole? Just stick it in the little hole.

Oh, wait.

Good. Come on.

This is nice.

This is it. This is very nice. Thank you. I like your paintings. Oh, no, no,

no, no. I am the designated unjust. Oh, okay.

Be careful, careful, careful, careful.

You okay?

Yeah, just call me Grace. Okay.

I'm Prince Tommy.

Then I'm naked.

Bad genitals. Bad.

Bad. Hi.

Hey there.

You... guy.

You don't remember me?

No, no, no. I remember you. I just, um... I remember you with way more

on.

You'll have to excuse me because I'm going to throw up. Hold on.

Are you okay, Billy?

Oh, yes.

My culture of throwing up is a sign of great happiness.

What culture is that?

Wow, you must be really happy.

Care of the dog.

Billy, maybe you should slow down with that stuff. It'll kill you.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should get that lump on my face checked out, but I'd rather die at 35

with a whole kit.

I don't know you that well, but my mother, she almost died of cirrhosis of

liver, but then she joined a 12 -step group and she was sober for 15 years.

And she's still sober?

Well, no, she died of cancer last May, but she was sober all the way through.

Except for the morphine.

Look, I really appreciate the sentiment.

Johnny?

Whatever. In any case, after what was probably an embarrassing one -night

stand... No, no, you weren't that embarrassing.

And the throwing up. I mean, I think we have to include that in the whole one

-night stand floor show.

That was bad.

Yeah, well, I just think my humiliation quotient is used up for the day.

Well, that's not the only way we could spend some time together.

Unfortunately, my mother is still alive, and I've got to meet her in half an

hour, so... Well, I really like you.

Even with the vomiting and all.

I've been your sick bastard, Johnny, but... Okay. Thanks.

I'll see you later. Okay.

Bye. I love you. Are you going to slam the door in my face? You can just do it.

Rough night?

Yes. My apartment was invaded by terrorists.

They seem to think they found the nerve center of the city.

I hate when that happens.

Dave.

Billy. Billy.

I don't see you around the building much.

I have a wraith -like quality.

Uh -huh.

Yes, and I would have said more of a, like a Audrey Hepburn breakfast at

Tiffany's quality.

I was going more for Lee Remick in Days of Wine and Roses.

That would explain the bloodshot eyes.

Yeah. Actually, I have a cure for that.

If you give me a call, I'll tell you all about it. Well, this cure doesn't have

anything to do with colonics, does it? Because, uh, it's not my area.

You haven't met the right guy.

Oh. No.

It's addictions anonymous.

Oh.

Spare me the effort of throwing this out.

Okay. If you change your mind, I'm in 601.

You know, I would love to change my mind, but they won't take it back.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Oh, darling.

Hi, Mummy.

I'm so sorry your father and I had to miss the intervention, darling. But he

to get his prostate checked, and I was getting a bikini wax.

Was it fun?

Well, out of the three of us...

I think Daddy had the best time.

Gracias.

Antonio, Irish coffee. Easy on the coffee.

I am going to a new agency, darling. Well, I'm sure Tish told you all about

intervention. No, I never pay any attention to your sister -in -law,

You know, she reminds me of a giant vagina.

She just talks and talks and talks and has lips.

Well, I didn't stay for it, Mother.

Really? A novel.

Well, that's what I'll tell any of my friends to do if they're intervened

Is that the right way to say it? I so don't know. Well, you're the writer.

Inspiring. I mean, I haven't written anything in months.

You see, dear, how original that you are an aspiring writer who doesn't write,

and you have a drinking problem.

Oh, you think I have a drinking problem? Of course you do, sweetie.

You're certainly not an alcoholic, are you?

Well, even if you were, you wouldn't want to do anything rash like quitting

abruptly, would you, darling?

Antonia, more mass chardonnay, por favor.

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean you won't bite the heart?

The name of the film is Zombie Heart Eaters.

You know what? Bite it or bite me.

You know, what's taking so long here? Did you tell them Carl Surfer's here?

No, I...

He's in the middle of, let's call it an audition.

I think I know you.

Oh, please don't say that. No, no, I do, I do. I think I know you. I don't

remember where I was. I know you.

Oh, dear Lord, please don't let me have slept with this man. That would be a

very mean thing to have let me do, Lord.

You were on television.

Oh. Right?

Yes.

That's right. Yeah, you were on that show. That show, the girl with the hair

the nipples.

She had the nipples that always stuck out.

Yes, we called her Nipple Girl.

Billy Frank from Emerald Bluff. Me, me, me.

Billy Frank. You know, you are marvelous on that show. Just terrific. I watch

you all the time with my mom.

That's sad, Natalie.

Love that girl with the nipples.

Really? Uh -huh.

I fucked her.

Oh, well, that's very nice.

Lily, get in my office.

Hey. I'll probably have to fuck him now, too.

It'll never happen again.

Okay, goodbye.

I'm just on the phone with Eric Estrada's agent.

I mean, how in the world can you yell at Eric Estrada like that?

Barb, he won't bite the heart.

You're the receptionist. He is a major star.

Oh, Eric Estrada is not a major star. Hey, time out. He is playing the lead

zombie heart eater in this production. As far as I'm concerned, in this

he is as big as Mel.

Gibson? No, Torme. Of course, Gibson.

Oh, come on, come on.

Well, somebody out there is running around with boobs akimbo.

Oddly enough, that's her stage name. Oh, Jesus Christ, you reek.

What? No, no, no, not your pits.

You stink of booze.

Wow, it's like you went down the entire Napa Valley.

Well,

that still doesn't make Eric Estrada a star.

You know, really, Billy, I've tried to ignore your drinking problem because I

really feel sorry for you.

And your tits are so nice, but it's just not working anymore.

Harp.

What if I wore a little cut blouse?

Yeah, do that.

Okay, I will.

Hey, I'll go get the scissors.

Okay.

Harv.

I forgot to tell you there was this guy waiting out here for like an hour, Carl.

Sir? Yeah.

Jesus Christ, I told you about him. For crying out loud, he wants to invest in

my next flick.

What are you thinking? Keeping him waiting? Don't you know how to conduct

yourself in a place of business?

Hand me my belt, please. Jesus Christ. Look, please don't fire me. I'm...

Don't fire me. I'm not going to fire you. I just want to banish you from my

sight for the rest of the day.

No, no, no. Look, except for the fact that I want to sleep with you. I think

you as a daughter.

Well, we're like family.

And yet not.

Come here, baby.

Oh, wow.

Oh,

Harv. I'm sorry. I'm starting to enjoy this.

Okay. Take back the banishment. Thanks, Harv. Okay.

Look, I'm really sorry.

I'm going to find Carl and I'm going to fix this, okay?

I am. Okay. And you know what? I am never going to have another drink again.

Okay. Thanks, Harv.

I'm going back one day Come what may to Blue

Bayou Whoa!

Hello.

James Mason.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, crap.

Naked again.

I can't take you anywhere.

Sugar Lips. I like you much more than Nipple Girl. No, no, no. Carl, stop.

Carl. Carl, stop.

Oh, I like this game.

Look, I'm sorry, Carl, if I gave you the wrong impression.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I like you.

Well, fellatio is generally regarded as a show of affection.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You gave him head?

You don't even do that for people you like.

Shame on you. Shame on you.

Billy. God.

Billy, if you're concerned about how your boss is going to feel about this.

Crap, crap, crap.

Carl, what if I told you I was really drunk last night and the only reason I

slept with you is because, well, I don't know why I slept with you, but...

It's never going to happen again.

I'd have to tell your boss I'm not going to invest in his movie.

Carl, please don't do that. I will lose my job.

Well, maybe we could discuss it. Say tonight, 8 o 'clock.

And it doesn't bother you that, you know, you might be coercing me into

sex with you? I mean, Carl, you deserve better than that.

No, I don't.

So, okay, so you'll be here at 8. Uh -huh. What should I wear? Your

A pair of heels.

See ya.

Well, I mean, I've always wondered if I could be a hooker, and apparently, yes,

I can.

Don't you want some...

I'm not even a front pooper!

You look good.

You want to be my bitch?

It's very flattering.

I mean, is it a good thing to be your bitch?

Do you have a previous bitch that I could interview?

Calm down. I'm just asking. I just killed a fire hydrant.

If that fire hydrant had been a kid and I'd have killed a kid, I bet I'd have to

beg you to let me be your bitch.

You know, bitch, it's just a figure of speech.

It's not a...

Hey. Wait a second.

What? I know you.

Oh, my God! You played Diana Gateway on Emerald Block! Yeah, that's right! Diana

Gateway's in jail, baby!

All right!

My bitch is a TV star!

Oh, thank God.

Thanks for coming.

Nice digs you got here, baby. Yeah.

I like it so much, I'm thinking of putting my toilet in the middle of my

room.

Carl's taking his money out of the picture.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, tomorrow always is another day.

It'll be the... Oh, man, I hate to do this, but I gotta fire you.

Come on, look.

We'll get you stuff, huh?

I'll give you a drive home.

Harve. Harve. Oh, sorry, babe.

Habits.

Boy, I'm going to miss that, huh?

So am I.

Hey, Billy, do they validate?

And tonight on the Whatever Happened To file, Billy Frank was arrested yesterday

for drunk driving.

Remember her? She was one of the stars of the hit nighttime soap Emerald Bluff.

Here's our interview of the teen queen back in 1986.

And we're not bluffing when we say she was toasted.

Billy, as one of the most popular teens on television, do you consider yourself

a role model?

Oh, absolutely.

As a junior ambassador to our first lady Nancy Reagan's Just Say No program, I

would never do anything to harm my body.

I think of it as a dimple.

A dimple?

Dimple? Your body the dimple? No, no, no.

Hemple. I think a dimple.

Are you high?

I beg your pardon? I'm kidding.

Hello.

Darling, you're on TV.

Really? I had no idea.

So the court is making you go to your first alcoholics meeting tomorrow. What

are you going to wear?

I thought I'd go with taupe. Oh, darling, do you think that's smart with

complexion? Mm -hmm. It's what they recommend in Glamour. They have this

alcoholic stews and don't spread less one. They think of everything. And

darling, be sure to take this whole 12 -step stuff with a grain of salt.

I hear it's very time -consuming, like Scientology, but with uglier building.

Yes, and less famous celebrities.

Yes, darling, so you'll fit right in.

Thank you, Mommy.

Hi. Hi.

You're Billy, right?

The girl that lives in Dave's building?

Why? Does she owe him money?

No, Billy.

I'm Jackie, and I just wanted to say hi.

So, hi.

Hi.

We're going to be neighbors soon.

I'm moving in with Dave next week.

Oh, well, then congratulations. You'll be one of the many people I avoid in the

hallway. Well, you won't be able to do that.

I just wanted to say, welcome to Addictions Anonymous.

Oh, well, I thought I'd stumbled into Club Med.

I know exactly how you feel. Well, and you would know that I feel like hitting

you. God, I'm so stupid. You know, I was coming on way too strong, and you, you

picked up on that.

You know, you're great.

You should hit me. I mean, I wish you would hit me. Well, you're wanting me to

sort of takes the fun right out of it.

God, I can't make you happy. I totally messed up this whole trying to help you

thing. You know, my sponsor tells me to reach out, so I reach out. No, wait,

look, okay, you've reached me. No, really. I mean, you're sweet and you're

and friendly, and I'm just being obnoxious because I am.

Do you feel bad about that?

No, no, don't feel bad.

I mean, we're all obnoxious in the beginning.

You know, at my first meeting, I poured coffee on a deaf guy because he wouldn't

answer me.

I didn't know he was deaf.

I just thought he was making these threatening hand gestures.

But I've been in the program for ten years. I should be able to handle

I can't believe you've been sober for ten years.

Well, ten days this time.

I just got out of the rehab again.

God, I love that rehab pudding.

Here's my pager number.

Call me before you start drinking.

And I would do that because... I may go with you.

God, I'm so depressed.

Billy.

Right? Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Cop with the haze. Hey, God, I can't believe you made it here. What is it

you people and hugging?

No, I'm copping a few.

Really? Yeah.

Would you move from side to side?

I want to cop a few, too.

Yeah, it's all right. She's a lesbian.

Oh, your breasts are great.

They're really perky and high up.

Now you know Jackie. No, I don't know Jackie. I barely know you.

Oh, who cares?

Coffee. Coffee. I hate coffee.

Sit down.

It's been such a long time. I'm so glad you made it here.

You guys know each other?

We were on Fantasy Island together.

Our fantasy was to be black.

Whatever happened with Ricardo Montalban?

Does anybody really know?

You were so awful on this show.

Girl, let me... My card.

You call me anytime.

Oh, yes.

I mean, I always call people who tell me I'm awful.

on Fantasy Island?

Oh.

Blackouts. Yeah. One time I came out of a blackout in Tijuana.

There I am in bed with a hooker and a donkey.

The hooker was pissed, the donkey confused, and I had a sombrero on my

Is there a point to this story?

Yeah, the point is that I understand how you feel. Well, I feel like a jerk.

Oh, yeah.

So do I.

I just don't act on it.

And...

Yeah. Yeah.

Basically, pretty much, that's it. You know, it's like the other day I was out

with my sister, okay?

And I thought to myself, I wonder what it would be like to fuck her.

But I didn't act on it.

Oh. You see?

I don't think that's such a big accomplishment, Dave. No, see, for him,

You haven't seen my sister. Yeah, she's a hottie.

Fine.

Meeting time!

going to take a long time. Not really, just the rest of your life.

Oh, well, then I guess I'm going to miss happy hour.

What did get you here, anyway?

A fire hydrant ran into my car.

Oh.

Is that so hard to believe?

Absolutely not. A pack of girl shots ran into mine.

I was looking up their skirts.

Although that is my favorite part of the meeting. But if there's anyone with 30

days or less sobriety, we'd like you to identify yourselves.

Hi, my name's Jeff, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Jeff.

I'm Jackie, and I'm an addict.

Hi, Jackie.

Hi, I'm Billy, and I was sent by the court.

So the important thing is...

I've taken the first step.

Darling, you've made it through your first alcoholics meeting.

I am so proud of you.

Here's a toast to you, darling.

Cheers. Chin chin.

Bottoms up. Well, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you, darling?

Okay, so it wasn't a step forward.

So who says you have to go forward?

Get off my back.