Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD

NEED ANYMORE PROOF THAN THIS!

THIS IS REAL!

THIS AIN'T HOLLYWOOD!

THIS AIN'T YOUR DAMN HOLLYWOOD

PARTY WITH SARAH J. PARKER

SITTING AROUND DRINKING HER

COKE AND COFFEE, LISTENING

TO YOUR ABBA, IN HOLLYWOOD...

THIS IS REAL!

ANYWAY, I'M FIRED UP NOW!

[static]

♪

>>> WE NEVER WANTED IT TO BE

LIKE THIS...BUT KILLING IS IN

OUR BLOOD...AND ONCE THAT BLOOD

IS ON YOUR HANDS, YOU CAN NEVER

WASH IT OFF.

♪

OUR FATHER WAS NEON CITY'S

MOST FEARED ASSASSIN...

HE HAD KILLED HUNDREDS OF MEN

FOR HUNDREDS OF REASONS.

♪

♪

OUR FATHER, SCORPIO, REFUSED TO

WORK FOR VON DRAGO, NEON CITY'S

MOST RUTHLESS CRIME LORD.

VON DRAGO RAN AN ORGANIZATION

CALLED "THE HEADS OF EVIL."

AS HIS GRIP TIGHTENED ON NEON

CITY, HE FORCED SMALL BUSINESS

OWNERS TO SELL THEIR PROPERTY,

MURDERING THEM IF NECESSARY.

THOUGH OUR FATHER WAS

AN ASSASSIN, HE KNEW RIGHT

FROM WRONG AND DECIDED

TO STOP VON DRAGO.

UNFORTUNATELY, VON DRAGO

BEAT HIM TO THE PUNCH...

>> VON DRAGO AND HIS

PET ASSASSIN, KEID.

>> SCORPIO.

>> THERE'S A NEW ORDER IN

NEON CITY, AND IT DOESN'T

INCLUDE YOU.

KILL HIM.

♪

♪

♪

[heart beating]

>> GET IN THERE!

♪

>> [screaming]

>> DADDY!

[child laughing]

>>> WE NEVER KNEW SCORPIO

AS A KILLER OF MEN...

WE ONLY KNEW HIM AS DAD.

HE WAS A KIND, PATIENT,

AND LOVING FATHER.

HE RAISED US TO BE FEARLESS

AND STRONG.

HE TRAINED US FROM AN EARLY AGE

IN ALL THE FIGHTING ARTS.

WE WERE TAUGHT TO HANDLE AND

RESPECT ALL CLASSES OF WEAPONS,

NOT TO KILL BUT TO BE ABLE TO

PROTECT EACH OTHER AND ALWAYS

BE SAFE.

SCORPIO'S LOVE FOR US

WAS HIS DOWNFALL.

IF WE HADN'T BEEN THERE ON THAT

FATEFUL NIGHT, DADDY WOULD STILL

BE ALIVE TODAY.

[screaming]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

>>> IN THE 15 YEARS SINCE

OUR FATHER WAS MURDERED,

WE...WELL, WE GREW UP.

♪

♪

♪

NOT EVERYTHING HAD CHANGED

IN NEON CITY OVER THE YEARS,

CERTAINLY NOT VON DRAGO.

[muffled screaming]

[panting]

♪

[muffled screaming]

[laughing]

[muffled screaming]

♪

♪

>>> IT SEEMS LIKE THERE WAS

ALWAYS ONE SCUMBAG OR ANOTHER

COMING TO OUR GARAGE.

LITTLE DID WE KNOW THAT

THESE THREE GOONS WERE GOING

TO CHANGE OUR LIVES FOREVER.

>> I'M CRETIS.

THAT'S BRUTIS.

THIS IS MARVIN.

♪

WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

>> I AM.

>> I AM.

>> I AM.

>> OH OKAY, HERE'S WHAT WE CAN

DO THEN...ALL OF YOU CAN LISTEN

AT ONE TIME.

WE REPRESENT SOME PEOPLE

THAT WILL SHORTLY BE, WELL,

PURCHASING THIS PROPERTY.

DON'T WORRY, IT'S GOING TO

WORK OUT GREAT FOR YOU.

YOU MAKE OUT LIKE BANDITS...AND

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS DUMP.

I MEAN, HAVE YOU BEEN OUTSIDE?

IT'S DEPRESSING.

IT LOOKS LIKE EAST BERLIN

OUT THERE.

>> YEAH, EAST BERLIN.

>> YOU LIKE THAT?

>> WAIT, I'M SORRY, WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

>> YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO SELL

THIS PLACE TO OUR BOSS AND

SMILE PRETTY WHILE YOU DO IT.

>> I THINK IT'S TIME

FOR YOU TO GO.

>> HOW WELL DID YOU KNOW

YOUR NEIGHBORS?

BOTH OF THEM GONE, RIGHT?

THE DUDE ON THIS SIDE,

SMART GUY, ALL RIGHT, SAVVY CAT.

HE SOLD QUICK.

HE'S IN MIAMI LIVING THE FUCKING

SWEET LIFE, ALL RIGHT.

OTHER GUY, BIT OF AN ASSHOLE,

GAVE US ALL KINDS OF HELL.

HE HAD A RUN OF BAD LUCK,

REALLY BAD LUCK.

YOU KNOW HIS PLACE BURNED DOWN

ON THE SAME DAY THAT EVERY

MEMBER OF THE FIRE DEPARTMENT

WAS BRUTALLY MURDERED IN THEIR

BATHROOMS.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE ODDS

ON THAT SHIT, HUH?

WHAT THE FUCK?

WHAT ARE THE ODDS ON THAT SHIT,

BRUTIS?

>> NOT GOOD.

>> NOT GOOD!

THANK YOU, MR. PERSONALITY.

HAVE YOU EVER SMELLED

A HUMAN BODY THAT'S BURNING,

THAT'S ON FIRE?

BAD.

HOW DOES THAT SMELL, BRUTIS?

>> SMELLS SWEET.

>> NEVER MIND, IGNORE HIM.

NOW, WE GOT A LOT OF SHIT TO DO

TODAY, SO WHICH ONE OF YOU IS

GOING TO BE PRANCING BACK THERE,

GETTING US THE DEED?

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS WORKS

BUT LET'S GET THE BALL ROLLING.

>> BABE, WE'RE NOT SELLING.

>> OH, REALLY?

AH-HA, WELL OKAY.

EASY THERE...

>> WE'RE NOT SELLING.

GET THE FUCK OUT!

>> TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO

DO, I'M GOING TO BE A GENTLEMAN

BECAUSE I'M THAT KIND OF

FUCKING GUY.

WE'RE GOING TO GO, AND WE'RE

GOING TO GIVE YOU GUYS SOME

TIME TO THINK.

YOU GOT A LOT TO THINK ABOUT,

RIGHT?

YOU GOT TO ASK YOURSELF

A QUESTION -- ARE YOU GOING TO

PLAY BALL OR ARE YOU GOING TO

CAUSE TROUBLE?

KEEP IN MIND THAT YOU'RE DEALING

WITH PROFESSIONALS, ALL RIGHT?

BOYS!

[door clanking]

[drill buzzing]

>> I DON'T THINK THOSE FUCKERS

WILL BE COMING BACK.

♪

♪

>> DUELING DOUCHES.

>> VON DRAGO.

>> COUNCILMAN, I'M GLAD TO

SEE YOU COULD MAKE IT.

>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY

ABOUT POLITICIANS, THEY DON'T

GROW ON TREES, BUT THEY SURE

NEED TO BE WATERED.

YOU GOT SOMETHING FOR ME?

>> YES, I DO.

DO YOU HAVE A VOTE FOR

THE VON DRAGO CASINO?

>> WELL, LET ME SEE WHAT

YOU GOT FIRST, HUH?

AH, IT'S A BRIEFCASE.

>> THIS SHOULD MAKE SURE

THE VOTE PASSES, SHOULDN'T IT?

>> WELL...

[chuckling]

VON DRAGO, YOU GOT YOURSELF

A VOTE.

>> EXCELLENT!

>> NICE DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU,

AND PICK YOURSELF UP A NEW TIE.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE...

THIS ISN'T ONE OF MY

PROUDEST MOMENTS.

>>> THE POLICE DEPARTMENT IN

NEON CITY WERE WELL AWARE OF

VON DRAGO'S CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES,

BUT THESE SO-CALLED PROTECTORS

OF JUSTICE WERE LITTLE MORE THAN

LAZY THUGS IN UNIFORM AND WERE

PAID TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY.

VON DRAGO'S ORGANIZATION,

THE HEADS OF EVIL, WAS MANAGED

BY FOUR DUBIOUS AND DEADLY

MASTERMINDS.

HE HAD HAND-PICKED THESE FIENDS

BECAUSE EACH WAS GIFTED WITH

THEIR OWN EVIL SPECIALTY.

♪

>> HEY, DEREK, PULL OVER.

I FEEL LIKE A SNACK.

>> MEN, WHAT LOSERS...

THEY SAY YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE

TO WATER, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE

HIM DRINK...

WELL, I CAN LEAD A MAN BY HIS

PENIS AND PRETTY MUCH MAKE HIM

DO WHATEVER I WANT.

MY NAME IS MISTRESS ESTRELLA.

I WORK FOR VON DRAGO, BUT

I AM QUEEN BITCH OVER A GANG

OF BLACK WIDOW ASSASSINS

CALLED THE WICCAN WARRIORS...

HEY, SEXY, WHAT YOU DOING?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE?

>> WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?

>> I WANT TO PARTY LIKE

THERE'S NO TOMORROW.

THINK YOU CAN HELP ME OUT?

>> OH, I THINK THAT CAN

BE ARRANGED.

>> GET IN.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> ♪ WE LIKE THE PARTY LIFE ♪

♪ SO WE'RE DANCING UNDER

♪ THE CITY LIGHTS, YEAH

♪ YES, WE LIKE THE PARTY LIFE

♪ SO WE'RE DANCING...

>> WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU --

WHAT THE FUCK --

♪

♪

>> ♪ I AIN'T TRIPPIN'

♪ ALL YOU HATERS

♪ YOU CAN SEE I'M STUNTIN'

♪ 'CAUSE I'M BALLIN IN MY CITY

♪ GETTING ALL THIS MONEY

♪

>> VON DRAGO MAY RUN THE HEADS

OF EVIL, BUT THE STREETS BELONG

TO ME, DJ MOTHERFUCKING TYRELL!

♪

GIVE UP, MAN, YOU LOSE.

>> I STARTED THE BLING BOYS

BEFORE YOU WERE BORN!

>> SHOULD HAVE KEPT THAT TWINKLE

IN YOUR EYE, OLD MOTHERFUCKER.

>> THIS BEEN MY GANG

SINCE FOREVER!

>> YEAH, YOU OLD.

>> BITCH, I'M WISE.

>> NOT SMART ENOUGH TO

LIVE THROUGH THE NIGHT.

>> ♪ I BE DOING MY THING

♪ YEAH, I GOT THREE CRIBS

♪ AND I AIN'T EVEN DROPPED

♪ AN ALBUM YET

♪ RATCHETT BY THE REARVIEW...

>> YOU TRY TO PUT ME

OUT OF BUSINESS.

AIN'T NOBODY GOING TO PUT

DJ TYRELL OUT OF BUSINESS!

♪

>> I RUN THE BLING BOYS NOW,

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO FUCK WITH

THE BLING BOYS!

>> ♪ ALL Y'ALL TRIPPIN'

♪ ALL YOU HATERS

♪ YOU CAN SEE I'M STUNTIN'

♪ 'CAUSE I'M BALLIN IN MY CITY

♪ GETTIN' ALL THIS MONEY

♪

>> FOR THE PAST 17 YEARS,

I, DR. ZAYAZ, HAVE LABORED

INTENSELY ON THE HUMAN GENOME

BOTH DAY AND NIGHT, ALL WITH ONE

BEAUTIFULLY EVIL GOAL IN MIND --

TO CLONE A HUMAN BEING.

THIS HERCULEAN EFFORT TO PRODUCE

CLONES OF A PERFECT KILLING

MACHINE HAS NOT COME WITHOUT

SACRIFICES.

I HAVE NOT KNOWN THE PLEASURES

OF A WOMAN IN OVER NINE YEARS.

I FOUND THE UNWITTING HUMAN

SUBJECT FOR MY REPLICANTS

IN MY EX-WIFE'S BROTHER,

HIGH ON BRAWN AND LOW ON BRAINS.

IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,

PERFECT.

I TORTURED AND BRAINWASHED

THE FOOL UNTIL HE WAS COMPLETELY

OBEDIENT TO ME AND ME ALONE.

I THEN KILLED MY

EX-BROTHER-IN-LAW, BUT NOT

BEFORE EXTRACTING HIS DNA FOR

MY EVIL SCIENTIFIC PURPOSES.

MY MORONIC MASTERPIECES

WERE CREATED FOR ONE PURPOSE

AND ONE PURPOSE ONLY...

DEATH.

♪

>> MY NAME IS CARLOS.

WHAT CAN I SAY? I SELL GUNS...

TO ANYBODY.

>> NICE WORK.

♪

>> ANTIPERSONNEL GUN.

>> OH, YEAH, LET'S SEE

WHAT YOU GOT.

OH, GOD! THAT IS ONE

BIG ASS GUN!

>> YEAH, WHOEVER SAID

SIZE DOESN'T MATTER NEVER

HANDLED ONE OF THESE BAD BOYS.

THIS IS A PROTOTYPE.

I COULD GO TO ZIMBABWE AND

GET TWO MILLION FOR THIS.

DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

>> OF COURSE WE HAVE A DEAL.

I GOT THE MONEY RIGHT HERE.

>> EXCELLENT.

ALL YOURS.

>> MM-HMM.

>> WHO IS THIS FOR ANYWAY?

>> HA! WATCH THE NEWS.

BY THE WAY, VON DRAGO WANTS

TO SEE YOU TONIGHT.

>> NO PROBLEM.

♪

>>> MOST OF VON DRAGO'S MEETINGS

EITHER STARTED OR ENDED

WITH A BLOODBATH.

>> HMM.

>> I'VE GATHERED YOU,

THE HEADS OF EVIL, FOR

A VERY SPECIAL PROJECT.

I'VE GONE THROUGH A LOT OF

EXPENSE, DESTROYED 12 CITY

BLOCKS, MADE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

HOMELESS, ALL FOR A VERY

SPECIAL PURPOSE...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WANT

YOU TO WELCOME NEON CITY'S

NEWEST CASINO -- THE VON DRAGO!

ONE-STOP CRIMINAL SHOPPING.

WE'LL BE RICH, ALL OF US!

THERE'S ONLY ONE LITTLE PROBLEM,

A HOLDOUT.

>> HOLDOUTS, VD?

WE'RE THE HEADS OF EVIL!

JUST KILL THEM!

WHO ARE THEY?

>> SCORPIO'S GIRLS.

>> SCORPIO'S GIRLS?

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE GIRLS.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW SCORPIO.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE

CAPABLE OF.

I DIDN'T SIGN ON FOR HIM OR HIM,

AND I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T

SIGN ON FOR THIS.

>> SCARED?

>> NOT SCARED, SMART.

>> A TOAST TO NEON CITY'S

NEWEST CASINO, THE VON DRAGO!

[slurping]

[snickering]

[laughter]

[choking]

[laughing]

♪

DIE!

[laughing]

>> SILENCE!

KEID, GET THE BRIEFCASE.

♪

>> ANYWAY, I'M FIRED UP NOW!

I GOT THE SPIRIT TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT KILLING VAMPIRES!

WE GOT OUR LITTLE PAL HERE, HE

AIN'T GOING TO DO YOU NO HARM.

THEY CAN'T COME IN IF YOU

PUT SALT AROUND YOUR DOOR.

ANY SALT WILL DO.

YOU GOT YOUR SALT DISH,

IF YOU DON'T LIKE SALT SHAKERS,

PUT IT IN A LITTLE EGG CUP,

INCENSE BURNER, STASH CUP, AND

NORMALLY, THIS WILL STUN THEM.

IT WON'T KILL THEM.

IT WON'T KILL THEM.

NOTHING WILL KILL THEM

BUT A SILVER STAKE.

HERE WE GO, HERE'S

A MASTERPIECE...

ANYWAY, THEY DON'T LIKE THAT.

NOBODY LIKES IT WHEN YOU PUSH

SOMETHING DEEP IN YOUR HEART.

>> IF YOU'RE SNIFFIN' MY WIFE'S

PANTIES AGAIN, I'M GOING

TO FUCKING KILL YOU.

>> YEAH, WELL, IF YOU'RE WASTING

OUR MONEY, OUR HARD-EARNED MONEY

ON THAT INFOMERCIAL CRAP AGAIN,

I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!

>> IT'S MORTIMER J. HAMM.

>> MORTIMER J. HAMM.

>> DIPSHIT!

AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, ALL

OF HIS MERCHANDISE COMES WITH

A CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY!

>> OH...

>> BESIDES, WHERE DO YOU THINK

THE FUCKING SILVER BULLETS

IN YOUR GUN COME FROM?

THIS SUIT? YOUR CHAMOISES?

>> YOU GOT CHAMOISES?

THERE ARE SILVER BULLETS

IN THIS GUN?

>> SHUT THE FUCK UP!

>> OH, YEAH?

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU GOT MORE

TO WORRY ABOUT THAN ME.

>> YOUR DOCTORS, LAWYERS,

INDIAN CHIEFS, POODLES, THEY'RE

WALKING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

HELL, THEY COULD BE

RIGHT NEXT DOOR.

BIG CITY COLLEGE STUDENTS,

SMART ASS FRATERNITY BOYS,

PARDON MY FRENCH, BUT THAT'S

THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT THEM.

I'M NOT AFRAID OF THEM.

THEY KNOW ME.

THEY KNOW THAT I'VE GOT THE

VAMPIRE SECRET BOOK RIGHT HERE.

I'VE GOT LITTLE PEDRO,

MY MEXICAN FRIEND.

AND ELLIE, GET OFF THAT CAMERA

AND COME ON IN HERE, SWEETHEART.

NOW, YOU WANT PROOF?

YOU WANT PROOF?

THIS IS MY LITTLE BABY.

THIS IS LITTLE ELLIE.

I COME HOME EARLY FROM

THE BINGO GAME ONE TIME,

SHE WASN'T EXPECTING ME,

AND I CAUGHT HER IN THE GRIP OF

A VICIOUS UNDEAD VAMPIRE, AND I

SAVED HER FROM THE JAWS OF HELL.

HOW?

WITH NUMBER ONE, NUMBER TWO,

THE ACTUAL VAMPIRE HAND.

HE NOW RESIDES IN THE FRIGIDAIRE

OUT IN THE BACK VERANDA.

THE REST OF THEM, I STAKED

HIS HEART -- AND YOU CAN BUY

A STAKE HERE, AND I'M NOT

TALKING ABOUT THE KIND THAT'S

$3.49 A POUND.

>> WAIT, YOU'RE ACTUALLY

GOING TO BUY THIS CRAP?

WHO ARE YOU CALLING?

JESUS CHRIST!

>> MORTIMER J. HAMM ENTERPRISES.

PROTECT YOURSELF.

GO ON BACK AND WORK THE CAMERAS.

BUT WE'RE A FAMILY SHOW HERE.

I COULD TELL YOU --

[doorbell ringing]

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, PLEASE.

CAN WE PICK UP MARVIN?

>> ANSWER THE FUCKING DOOR!

>> I'LL ANSWER THE DOOR BECAUSE

I FEEL LIKE ANSWERING THE DOOR.

>> OH, WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

PROBABLY HIS VAMPIRE SHOES

OR WHATEVER THE FUCK.

GOD DAMN IT.

OH, LOOK! WE GOT SHOES!

BEHEMOTH SIZE!

>> DON'T FUCKING TOUCH MY SHOES!

>> AWE THE SHOE-ISH.

WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU GOT MORE

COMPLEXES IN YOU THAN --

WELL, SHIT, I SHOULDN'T BE

SURPRISED, LOOK AT YOU.

YOU GOT PLENTY OF ROOM.

>> PROTECT YOURSELF FROM

THE PESKY ANNOYANCE OF

REANIMATED LOVED ONES.

ACT NOW -- 1-800-555-VAMP.

THAT'S 1-800-555-VAMP.

NOT AVAILABLE IN THE

TRANSYLVANIA TRICITY AREA.

♪

>>> THIS IS CHAD AND BRET,

MY SISTERS' BOYFRIENDS.

♪

♪

THEY MAY NOT BE THE MOST MANLY

SPECIMENS AROUND, BUT THEY ARE

SWEET...TOO SWEET SOMETIMES.

IT'S KIND OF TOUGH WHEN YOUR MAN

SPENDS MORE TIME IN FRONT OF

THE MIRROR THAN YOU DO.

♪

♪

>> THAT WAS FUN.

>> THAT WAS AWESOME.

>> HEY, HEY, HEY.

>> HUH?

>> HOW DO I LOOK?

>> OKAY, OKAY, GOOD.

>> AWESOME.

>> WHAT ABOUT ME?

>> YOU NEED A HAIRCUT.

>> THANKS FOR BEING HONEST.

>> NO PROBLEM.

>> OH, ANY BATS IN THE CAVE?

>> NO, YOU'RE GOOD.

ME?

>> THERE.

>> GOOD?

>> GOOD.

>> ALL RIGHT.

YOU READY TO DO THIS?

>> YEAH, LET'S DO IT.

>> LEXI!

>> YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.

>> YOU DO!

>> THANKS.

>> I KNOW.

>> YOU READY TO GO SHOPPING?

>> I'M SORRY, I CAN'T,

I'M GOING TO BE TIED UP LATER.

I'VE GOT TO TAKE APART

AN ENGINE, BUT YOU CAN

TAKE MY SISTERS.

>> WE'RE STILL GOING SHOPPING,

RIGHT?

>> YES, BABY, I'LL STILL

TAKE YOU SHOPPING.

BRETT!

♪

>> NCPD 412, YOU COPY?

>> ROGER.

>> HOW'S THE FRIENDLY SKIES

OVER NEON CITY?

>> THAT'S THE ONLY FRIENDLY

PART OF NEON CITY, HONEY,

NOT MUCH CRIME UP HERE.

>> YOU GUYS SHOULD LAND THAT

BIRD AND TAKE ME OUT TO EAT.

I'M THINKING FISH STICKS.

>> NOT ON MY SALARY.

>> JESUS, EAT, EAT, EAT!

IT'S NOTHING GLANDULAR WITH YOU,

YOU'RE JUST STRAIGHT-UP

FUCKING FAT!

>> DON'T MAKE ME FUCKING KILL

YOU, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!

I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU,

I SWEAR TO GOD!

>> I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

>> YOU'RE A FUCKING DEAD MAN!

>> I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!

FUCK YOU!

>> YOU'RE STUPID!

>> I'M DONE WITH THIS!

>> YOU'RE A FUCKING DEAD MAN,

YOU KNOW THAT?

>> OH, SURE, I'M A DEAD MAN.

>> SWEAR TO GOD!

I JUST FUCKING UNSNAPPED!

>> OH, FUCK OFF!

HE'S UNSNAPPED.

YOU HEAR THIS SHIT?

YOU UNSNAPPED ON ME, HUH?

>> YOU GOT EIGHT SECONDS

TO LIVE -- FIVE...

>> AND NOW HE'S GONNA COUNT!

PUT THAT SHIT AWAY, SON!

>> THREE...

>> FINE, MOTHERFUCKER,

WE USUALLY GO ON THREE!

>> ONE!

>> OLD-WORLD TEN STYLE --

[phone ringing]

>> CAN YOU SEE WHO THAT IS

FROM HERE? I CAN'T.

>> IT'S KEID.

>> PUT THE GUN UP.

KEID!

>> ARE YOU MORONS IN

POSITION TO MOVE?

>> WHAT'S UP --

>> ARE YOU?!

>> YEAH.

>> YOU KNOW THE GIRLS?

>> UH-HUH.

>> INTRODUCE THEM TO WOODY.

>> THAT SOUNDS PERFECT.

>> DON'T FUCK IT UP!

>> ALL RIGHT.

THOSE GIRLS ARE GOING

TO MEET WOODY TONIGHT.

>> FUCK, I JUST BOUGHT

THIS SUIT!

>> OOH...WELL...

THAT'S BAD LUCK THERE, REALLY.

>> YOU GOT A BIG FUCKING MOUTH!

JUST LIKE MY FUCKING WIFE!

>> OH...YOU KNOW WHAT?

FUCK YOUR WIFE!

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY TO YOUR

WIFE, MY MOTHER-IN-LAW, ALL-TIME

PATRON SAINT OF CUNT WHOREBAGS?

I SPENT FIVE YEARS IN A RURAL

PRISON BECAUSE OF THAT WOMAN,

ALL BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T

LOAN ME HER VAGINA.

>> SERVES YOU FUCKING RIGHT!

>> IT'S DIDN'T -- NO, NO.

IT WAS THAT TIME WE WERE

DRIVING BACK FROM VEGAS,

MY CAR HAD THE BOTTLE OF PILLS,

DIDN'T HAVE MY NAME ON IT.

I SEE LIGHTS BEHIND US,

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

THEY GOTTA GO SOMEWHERE!

WHERE YOU GONNA HIDE

A BOTTLE OF PILLS?

DUDE...THIS DOESN'T

HAVE MY NAME ON IT.

THE ONLY PLACE I CAN PUT THIS

THAT'S GOING TO BEAT A DOG

IS A WOMAN'S VAGINA.

ANYWAY, LONG AND SHORT OF IT IS,

I ASKED FOR SOME SPACE IN HER

VAGINA -- IT'S NOT DOING ANYBODY

ANY GOOD, IT'S JUST SITTING

THERE -- NO...SHE SAYS, NO.

AFTER A WHILE I GAVE UP,

I'M LIKE, "LET'S START OVER,

I APOLOGIZE.

WHAT'S THE BIGGEST THING YOU'VE

EVER PUT IN YOUR VAGINA?"

>> FUCKING DIRTBAG.

>> FUCK YOU.

[scraping noise]

OOH...NO.

[gunshot]

NOW THAT IS ONE LESS DIRTBAG.

>> DIRTBAG.

>> I'M HUNGRY...I'M --

ARE YOU HUNGRY?

ALL RIGHT, FISH STICKS?

>> I LIKE FISH STICKS.

CAN WE GET SOME TARTAR SAUCE?

♪

♪

[crashing]

♪

♪

[crashing]

>> KITTY, IS THAT YOU?

KITTY?

KITTY?

KITTY?

KITTY?

[cat meowing]

KITTY?

[cat meowing]

TIGER?

KITTY?

KITTY...

[screaming]

>> NO, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU SPIT ON MY SHOES!

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE

SPIT ON MY SHOES.

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, ASSHOLE!

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

>> WATCH OUT, YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S

BACK.

>> I'M DOING MY FUCKING JOB.

>> WELL, YOU'RE NOT

DOING IT RIGHT.

YOU HAVE A PENIS, AM I CORRECT?

YOU'RE DOING YOUR JOB,

IN FACT, COMPLETELY WRONG.

YOU'RE HITTING HER

CLOSED-HANDED, SEE,

AND FROM THE FRONT.

YOU HIT A GIRL LIKE A GIRL,

NOT LIKE A FUCKING GUY.

YOU GOT TO BACKHAND HER.

IT'S RUDE TO HIT GIRLS

WITH A CLOSED FIST.

>> I'LL HIT YOU WITH

A FUCKING CLOSED FIST.

>> YEAH, I'LL BET.

I'LL BET.

WELL THEN, WHO WOULD BE

HERE TO CORRECT YOU?

WHO WOULD BE HERE

TO CORRECT YOU?

DON'T TOUCH ME, ALL RIGHT.

>> DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME.

>> IT MAKES ME VERY NERVOUS

WHEN YOU TOUCH ME.

IF YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT,

I LOOK LIKE A GUY THAT HANGS OUT

WITH A GIANT ASS --

>> YOU BOTH LOOK LIKE IDIOTS.

>> OH, SWEETHEART,

WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOU?

YOU KNOW, I USED TO FEEL BAD

WHENEVER I HAD TO DO THIS TO

PEOPLE, BUT WE'VE GIVEN YOU

AMPLE OPPORTUNITY TO SAVE

YOURSELF, SO YOU GOT TO MEET

A FRIEND OF MINE, WOODY.

HE'S UH...YEAH.

♪

♪

>> YOU KNOW, NERVES.

I ALREADY GOT NERVES AND IT

GIVES ME EVEN WORSE NERVES.

MEDS ANYBODY?

DON'T MIND IF I DO.

OH LOOK, AND THAT'S THAT, HUH?

ALL RIGHT, WELL, ANYWAY,

WE'RE GOING TO INTRODUCE WOODY

TO SOME PUSSY.

SEE, SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME,

MOST OF MAN'S TROUBLES HAVE

BEEN THE ROOT OF HIS EFFORTS

TO INTRODUCE HIS WOODY

TO SOME PUSSY.

WELL, MOST OF THE WOODYS GO

UNFULFILLED, RIGHT, NO PUSSY.

TODAY WE'RE GOING TO TURN

THOSE TABLES, RIGHT?

WE ARE GOING TO LET WOODY

GET TO KNOW SOME PUSSY.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE CLOSE.

YOU LOOK TENSE.

YOU DON'T THINK THAT -- NO, OH,

SWEETHEART, YOU'RE NOT GOING

IN THE WOOD CHIPPER.

IS THAT WHAT YOU THOUGHT?

NO...OKAY.

WE'RE NOT PUTTING YOU

IN THE WOOD CHIPPER...

BUT YOU SEE, WE DO HAVE

TO DO SOMETHING, SORRY.

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU,

MARVIN -- MARVIN, YOU'RE DUNK.

>> YEAH...YEAH...YEAH.

>> GET THE CAT, MARVIN.

PICK IT UP.

[cat growling and hissing]

[cat screaming]

[screaming]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

>> WELL, I HAPPEN TO BELIEVE

THAT WE NEED TO READ THE WRITING

ON THE WALL, ESPECIALLY WHEN

THE WRITING IS IN BLOOD.

>> WE CAN'T LEAVE HERE!

THIS IS OUR LIFE!

>> BUT WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS IT

GOING TO BE IF EVERY TIME WE GET

A PET, WE HAVE TO WASH HIS BLOOD

OFF THE PLACE?

>> BUT WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO --

>> NO, WE NEED LEAVE HERE

AND MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE.

>> WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD

AT LEAST DO SOMETHING...

[bell ringing]

>>> AND THAT WAS WHEN

INSPIRATION STRUCK...

WE WERE PREPARED TO GIVE

VON DRAGO'S BOYS A TASTE

OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE...

♪

ONE THING YOU CERTAINLY DON'T

WANT TO DO IS PISS US OFF.

♪

♪

♪

♪

>> AND THIS IS WHEN MARVIN,

MY BOY RIGHT HERE, MARVIN,

HE DROPS THE CAT DIRECTLY

INTO THE MACHINE, YOU KNOW,

WITH THE SPINNING TEETH --

>> IT'S A WOOD CHIPPER,

YOU FUCKING DIRTBAG!

>> I KNOW IT'S A WOOD CHIPPER.

I'M TRYING TO TELL A FUCKING

STORY! THANK YOU!

JESUS...

SO ANYWAY, THAT'S HOW THE

BEHEMOTH HERE GOT HIS BLOODBATH.

>> AGAIN.

>> AGAIN.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WASH UP.

>> AGAIN.

>> YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK.

>> OH, I'LL WATCH MY BACK

AS SOON AS YOU WASH YOUR FRONT.

>> EASY, LET'S GO.

>> YOU GOT NO FUCKING BRAINS!

GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!

>> GO ON, GO ON!

COME ON.

>> AND THAT IS HOW I MANAGE

TO STAY REGULAR WITH SUCH...

REGULARITY.

>> YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE I HAVE

TO SMELL YOUR SHIT DOESN'T MEAN

I HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT, TOO.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

>> I REMEMBER THIS FUN FACT

ABOUT SHIT -- WHEN JOHN WAYNE

DIED, THEY PULLED 12 AND A HALF

POUNDS OF COMPACTED FECES

OUT OF THAT MAN'S COLON.

NOW, I FIGURE WITH YOU AND THE

INCREASE IN SIZE, WE COULD BE

TALKING ABOUT 22, 24 POUNDS

OF SHIT, AND THAT MIGHT BE WHY

YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

♪

[yelling and cheering]

♪

♪

>> ♪ I'M BUSTING OUT

♪ GONNA EAT SOME GLASS

♪ I'M BUSTING OUT

♪ GONNA KICK YOUR ASS

♪ I'M BUSTING OUT

♪ GONNA SWALLOW SOME MACE

♪ I'M BUSTING OUT

♪ GONNA FUCK UP YOUR FACE

♪

♪ TIRED OF SITTING

♪ IN THIS TINY CELL

♪ DOIN' NOTHING

♪ HEADED STRAIGHT TO HELL

♪ TIRED OF SITTING

♪ IN THIS TINY CELL

♪ ...FOOL HEADED

♪ STRAIGHT TO HELL

♪ I'M BUSTING OUT

♪ GONNA EAT SOME GLASS

♪ I'M BUSTING OUT

♪ GONNA KICK YOUR ASS

♪ I'M BUSTING OUT

♪ GONNA SWALLOW SOME MACE

♪ I'M BUSTING OUT

♪ GONNA FUCK UP YOUR FACE

♪

♪ I'M BUSTING OUT ♪

>> OH, SHIT!

>> YOU FUCKED WITH

THE WRONG PUSSY!

YOU'RE GONNA DIE.

♪

>> OKAY, IF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE UP

THAT MUCH SPACE, YOU CAN AT

LEAST TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON.

>> IT'S THOSE GIRLS...

THEY'RE KILLING EVERYBODY.

[gunshots]

♪

>> SHOULD WE GO OUT THERE?

>> WHAT?

OKAY, DID YOU JUST TELL ME THAT

THE GIRLS ARE BACK AND KILLING

EVERYBODY AND THEN ASK ME WITH

A STRAIGHT FACE WHETHER OR NOT

WE SHOULD GO OUT THERE?

WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE QUESTION

IS THAT?

LOOK, THOSE GUYS OUT THERE ARE

LEARNING A VALUABLE LESSON,

THAT'S "FIGHT YOUR OWN BATTLES,"

AND RIGHT NOW, THIS IS NOT

SO MUCH OUR FIGHT.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WE KILLED THEIR CAT.

>> TO BE FAIR, TECHNICALLY,

MARVIN KILLED THE CAT.

>> YEAH, WELL MARVIN'S BRAINS

ARE ALL OVER THE BAR.

>> WELL, CASE CLOSED.

♪

>> WE REALLY GOT TO

GO OUT THERE.

>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.

LET'S GIVE IT A COUNT.

>> ONE, TWO --

>> TWO -- HANG ON, HANG ON.

WE ARE OLD-SCHOOL GUYS, WE

SHOULD DO THIS OLD-WORLD STYLE.

SHOULD WE GO ON TEN?

>> TEN.

ONE -- TWO --

>> SEVEN -- EIGHT -- NINE --

>> WAIT, THIS DOES NOT FEEL

RIGHT, YOU KNOW, I THINK

WE SHOULD COUNT DOWN.

I MEAN, THIS IS THE SPACE AGE.

THAT'S WHAT NASA DOES, RIGHT?

>> NASA CAN'T BE WRONG.

>> JUST COUNT DOWN FROM TEN.

>> TEN --

>> NINE --

>> EIGHT --

>> SEVEN --

>> SIX --

>> FIVE --

>> FOUR --

>> THREE --

>> TWO --

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,

BUT SOMETHING'S RUBBING ME

THE WRONG WAY ABOUT THIS.

♪

>> ONE, TWO, THREE --

>> SHH...DO YOU HEAR THAT?

LISTEN.

>> NO.

>> ME NEITHER.

>> ONE, TWO, THREE.

>> WELL SHIT, LOOKS LIKE

SOMEBODY'S A STEP AHEAD OF US.

THAT'S WHERE THEY BETTER STAY,

TOO, THESE BROADS, BECAUSE

NEXT TIME --

>> SHUT UP!

WHAT NOW?

>> I'M TRYING TO THINK!

LET ME THINK, ALL RIGHT?

>> I MEAN, HOW ARE YOU GOING

TO TELL KEID WHAT HAPPENED

BACK THERE?

>> WHAT THE FUCK? ME?

I'M GOING TO EXPLAIN WHAT

HAPPENED IN THERE?

YEAH...

>> I'M NOT TELLING KEID!

>> ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS?

>> ONE -- TWO --

>> WAIT.

THERE'S TWO SCHOOLS

OF THOUGHT ON THIS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOU SUBSCRIBE TO.

>> COME ON, IT'S ONE, TWO,

AND THEN GO!

>> ONE, TWO --

>> WHAT'S UP, GUYS?

>> HEY! TURK!

>> HOW'S IT GOING?

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

>> YOU DON'T WANT

TO GO IN THERE.

>> NO, IT'S DEAD IN THERE.

BESIDES, WE WERE JUST

TALKING ABOUT YOU.

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?

>> WE WERE SAYING HOW YOU SHOWED

SUCH BALLS AND SUCH COURAGE

DURING THAT LAST THING THAT

YOU PULLED.

>> YOU REMEMBER, THE THING?

>> THE THING?

>> THE THING, REMEMBER?

>> THE THING?

>> OH, YEAH, THAT THING, YEAH.

>> YEAH, THE THING.

>> WITH A DISPLAY LIKE THAT,

MAYBE YOU CAN HANDLE MORE

RESPONSIBILITY, HUH?

>> WELL, I COULD, YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> HEY, I'LL KILL ANYBODY

FOR YOU GUYS, ANYBODY,

EXCEPT FOR MY GRANDMOTHER,

BECAUSE ONE TIME I TRIED,

SHE SHOT ME AND MISSED ME.

>> YOU MISUNDERSTAND,

NOBODY NEEDS TO DIE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS DELIVER

A MESSAGE TO KEID, AND YOU MIGHT

EVEN GET TO MEET VON DRAGO

HIMSELF.

>> WAIT A MINUTE, I GET TO

MEET KEID AND VON DRAGO?

OH, MY GOD, THIS IS THE BEST

DAY OF MY LIFE!

>> WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THE

BEST PART IS, ALL YOU GOT TO DO,

TELL THEM ABOUT THREE BEAUTIFUL

LITTLE GIRLS.

>> IT REALLY IS A GOOD STORY.

>> I LOVE LITTLE GIRLS.

>> THAT'S MY BOY!

COME ON, LET'S GO.

>> WAIT.

I GOT TO SAY THIS.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, THIS THING IS

MURDER ON MY DEPTH PERCEPTION,

OKAY?

I KNEW YOU ALL WOULD

NEVER STEER ME WRONG.

>> [snickering]

>> SO TELL ME ABOUT

THE HOLDOUTS.

>> THE HOLDOUTS?

>> DO YOU HAVE THEIR

DEED FOR US?

>> WHAT DEED?

>> THE GIRLS!

>> OH, THE GIRLS.

MAN, IT WAS FUCKING CRAZY.

EVERYBODY WAS KILLED,

ALL MY FRIENDS, EVERYBODY.

NOT A MAN LEFT STANDING.

>> ONE QUESTION!

>> YEAH?

>> WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?

>> BECAUSE THEY ASKED ME TO --

UM --

>> WE DON'T TOLERATE

FAILURE HERE, DO WE?

>> I'M JUST A PATSY.

THEY ASKED ME TO COME

HERE AND -- WAIT!

[gunshot]

[laughter]

[laughter]

>> SILENCE!

>> SCORPIO'S GIRLS WERE

OUT OF CONTROL...

VON DRAGO HAD ASSIGNED ME TO

TAKE CARE OF THEM, BUT HE WANTED

A DEMONSTRATION OF MY CLONE'S

ABILITIES FIRST.

IMPRESSED?

ANOTHER EXAMPLE, PERHAPS?

CHOKE YOURSELF, CLONE.

TA-DA!

♪

>> DR. ZAYAZ, CAN YOUR CLONES

HANDLE THESE HOLDOUTS?

>> MY WORKERS ARE DEFINITELY

UP TO THE TASK.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

♪

>> WHO'S YOUR CLONE MASTER?

>> WE'RE NOT CLONES.

WE'RE TWINS.

>> WE'RE REAL.

>> YEAH, YOU'RE JUST A DROID.

>> BUT...I'M REAL.

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

>> CALL ME?

WHAT?

>> LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE PATHETIC.

>> HE'S RIGHT, YOU ARE PATHETIC.

>> THEY'RE NOT GONNA CALL YOU.

>> WE HAVE WORK TO DO.

>> LET'S FUCK OFF.

>> HMM...

>> I LOVE YOU, SWEETIE.

>> I KNOW YOU DO, SWEETIE.

♪

>>> WE THOUGHT THAT WE'D GOTTEN

OUR MESSAGE ACROSS TO VON DRAGO,

BUT WE WERE WRONG.

[leaves crunching]

>> WHAT WAS THAT?

>> WE'RE THE ONLY ONES OUT HERE,

AND IT WAS PROBABLY JUST LIKE

SOME SORT OF, LIKE, WOODLAND

CREATURE OR SOMETHING LIKE,

YOU KNOW, ADORABLE AND CUTE.

>> YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

I REALLY HEARD SOMETHING

THAT TIME.

>> IT WAS PROBABLY THE --

THE -- IT WAS PROBABLY JUST

THE THROBBING...OF MY HEART.

[gunshot]

>> OH, CLEO!

[gunshot]

WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?

I LIKE IT.

[gunshot]

[snorting]

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> I WASN'T FINISHED.

>> YES, YOU ARE.

>> WHAT ABOUT MY THROBBING

HEART?

>> PUT IT BACK IN YOUR PANTS.

♪

>> SO WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

>> I DON'T KNOW -- THESE GUYS,

THEY WERE EVERYWHERE.

>> WELL, FOR SOME REASON, THIS

PROPERTY MEANS A LOT TO THEM.

>> WHY? IT'S A DUMP.

I MEAN, IT'S OUR DUMP,

BUT IT'S A DUMP.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> WELL, WE CAN SIT HERE AND

WAIT FOR THEM TO COME TO US,

OR WE CAN GO TO THEM AND

PUT A STOP TO THIS!

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

♪

♪

♪

>>> IT DIDN'T MATTER WHO

THEY WERE OR WHAT THEY WANTED,

WE WERE READY FOR ANYTHING.

>> OH...OH!

>> PAGING DR. ZAYAZ, DR. ZAYAZ,

YOUR CLONES FAILED!

>> HUH?

>> AND WE DON'T TOLERATE

FAILURE AROUND HERE.

>> BUT IF I HAD --

>> REMEMBER?

>> SIT DOWN!

[screaming]

>> DIE, DR. ZAYAZ!

YOU'RE NEXT, MISTRESS ESTRELLA.

>> I'M ON IT.

>> DO THESE PANTS

MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DIET LIKE A MADMAN!

I EXERCISE UNTIL MY THIGHS BURN,

AND IT'S NEVER ENOUGH FOR HER!

>> I KNOW...AT FIRST, SHE WAS

ALL OVER ME, LIKE I WAS

THE GOD DAMN KING OF SIAM

OR SOMETHING...MY EVERY WISH

WAS HER COMMAND.

♪

>> YOU READY?

>> YEAH.

[tiger growling]

[TV channels changing]

>> I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

♪

>> IT'S LIKE WE'RE NOT

IN LOVE ANYMORE, IT'S LIKE

WE'RE NOT EVEN LOVERS.

♪

♪

>> I'M SORRY.

>> IT'S OKAY.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

>> BABY, YOU KNOW WHAT,

IT HAPPENS TO EVERY --

OKAY, NOT EVERY -- IT HAS

HAPPENED TO A GUY BEFORE,

I PROMISE...IT HAS...

IT HAD TO HAVE, RIGHT?

YEAH, NO, IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY...IT'S OKAY.

>> I THINK OF THE LOVE,

THE LOSS, THE EVER-WIDENING GAP!

>> IT MAKES ME SICK,

IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE.

♪

>> NICE WATCH.

>> THANKS...

SHE BOUGHT IT FOR ME.

MAYBE THERE IS HOPE.

>> MAYBE.

>>> MEANWHILE, BACK AT

THE HEADS OF EVIL...

>> WE NEED AN INSURANCE POLICY.

GET THE GIRLS.

>> WE SENT MISTRESS ESTRELLA

TO GET THE GIRLS.

>> NOT THOSE GIRLS GONE GANGSTA,

THEIR BOYFRIENDS!

>> THOSE "GIRLS."

>> YES, THOSE GIRLS.

>> OH, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THEM.

>> OH, FUCK.

♪

>> MY BAD.

>> BLACK COBRA?

>> BLACK COBRA.

♪

>> NO, NO, SHE'S GOT IT.

♪

♪

[gunshots]

>> I'M SORRY!

>> WHAT THE HELL?

>> I'M SORRY, I AIN'T GOT TIME

FOR THIS SHIT, WE GOT PLACES

TO GO, PEOPLE TO DO, MM-KAY?

>> UM...LADIES?

♪

>> I KNEW THAT'D BE TOO EASY.

>> ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE

THE ONES ON THE RIGHT.

>> I GOT THE ONES ON THE LEFT.

>> I'LL GET THE REST.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[gun clicking]

♪

♪

♪

♪

>>> AND THAT WAS THAT...

>> IT'S QUIET.

>> TOO QUIET.

>> CAN WE HELP YOU?

>> YES, I BELIEVE YOU CAN.

GET OUT, YOU COUPLE OF PUSSIES!

MOVE IT!

>> OW, MY HAIR!

♪

>> FINALLY SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

>> YOU OUGHT TO TRY MY BREATHING

TECHNIQUE, IT'S A ZEN THING.

KEID! CAN WE HELP YOU?

>> YES, I BELIEVE YOU CAN.

TAKE THESE TWO BOYFRIENDS

OVER TO DJ TYRELL.

>> OKAY.

>> NOW!

>> YES, SIR.

>> RIGHT, WE TAKE THE FRUIT

LOOPS TO THE HOOD --

HE'S GONE, HE'S GONE, OKAY.

YOU GET ONE OF THESE.

OH...OH BOY.

ALL RIGHT, I NEED A DRINK.

[grunting]

♪

♪

>> WOULD YOU TWO HOLD IT DOWN

OUT THERE?

HAVE SOME CONSIDERATION!

I'VE GOT A WHOLE DAY OF EVIL

AHEAD OF ME TOMORROW!

[gasping and coughing]

SEE? NOW I CAN'T SLEEP!

AM I THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE

WITH A FRIGGING DAY JOB?

♪

[sirens blaring]

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU

GOT PULLED OVER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

>> ONE SOUND OUT OF EITHER OF

YOU, AND YOU'RE BOTH DEAD.

>> YEAH, THAT GOES FOR YOUR

PRETTY LITTLE GIRLFRIENDS, TOO.

[dogs barking]

>> SHIT, DOGS!

>> OH, OH, OF COURSE!

OF COURSE THEY'VE GOT DOGS!

IT'S PERFECT.

THIS IS DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN,

EXCEPT THIS TIME, EVEN BETTER.

I HAVE GOT NOT ONE,

BUT TWO BOTTLES OF PILLS, YEP.

MARK THIS DAY, BECAUSE

I'M GOING TO ADMIT I WAS WRONG.

REMEMBER THE STORY I TOLD YOU

EARLIER ABOUT HOW THERE'S ONLY

ONE PLACE THAT YOU CAN HIDE

PILLS THE DOGS WILL MISS AND

IT'S THE GIRL'S VAGINA?

>> UH-HUH.

>> WRONG -- THERE IS YET

ANOTHER PLACE WHERE EVEN

DOGS WON'T TREAD...

>> I DON'T HEAR ZIPPERS!

[zipper unzipping]

>> WHERE ARE ALL

THE HEADS OF EVIL?

>> DEAD.

>> WELL THEN, THAT LEAVES

JUST YOU AND I.

>> AND THE GIRLS.

IT'S TIME...FOR THE CLOWNS.

>> DO IT!

AND DON'T WAIT UP...

I HAVE A DATE TO KEEP.

>> EVIL HENCHMEN REFERRAL

SERVICE, HOW MAY I HELP YOU

TODAY?

>> SEND IN THE CLOWNS!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

>> IS THAT YOUR FANTASY?

>> YES, IT IS MY FANTASY.

>> AND THIS ONE?

>> I SEE A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN

IMPALED BY HER OWN

GARDEN SHEARS.

>> AND THIS ONE?

>> I SEE A TEDDY BEAR.

>> A TEDDY BEAR?

>> BUT AS I LOOK CLOSER,

I SEE THAT ITS EYES HAVE BEEN

CLAWED OUT BY BUZZARDS

AND CARRION BIRDS.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE MURDER,

SHEARS, INTESTINES -- DON'T YOU

SEE A PATTERN HERE?

YOU ARE A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST,

A MEGALOMANIAC OF THE HIGHEST

ORDER.

WHY ARE YOU HERE, VON DRAGO?

>> WELL, SEE, OVER THESE PAST

SEVERAL MONTHS, I'VE NOTICED

SOMETHING ABOUT YOU, TOO.

I'VE NOTICED THAT YOU WEAR

SHORT SKIRTS AND HIGH HEELS

EVERY TIME I COME TO SEE YOU.

>> WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW

I DON'T WEAR THESE CLOTHES

EVERY DAY TO WORK?

>> NO...

I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

♪

YOU WANT...VON DRAGO!

[sniffing]

IF I WASN'T VON DRAGO,

I WOULD WANT VON DRAGO.

NOW COME TO ME, DOCTOR...

KNEEL BEFORE VON DRAGO.

♪

[laughing]

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP,

DOCTOR, I FEEL BETTER ALREADY.

♪

♪

♪

>> AH!

>> QUIT CLENCHING.

>> BUT IT'S SO HARD, DUDE.

>> JUST SIT STILL.

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN THIS

POSITION BEFORE EITHER.

>> MAN!

>> I'LL MOVE US.

>> DUDE, THIS IS -- I DON'T

THINK IT'S SUPPOSED TO

GO THAT WAY...AH!

THIS IS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE!

>> YOU BOYS ARE GOING ABOUT

THIS ALL WRONG...

BITCHES RESPECT BLING!

>> WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

>> WHAT IS BLING?

>> I DON'T KNOW, BUT

WE'RE GOING TO DIE.

>> WHAT YOU BOYS, SOME TYPE OF

METROMOSEXUALS OR SOMETHING?

[crashing]

>> DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

>> I THINK SO.

THINK WE SHOULD SPLIT UP?

>> GOOD IDEA.

>> ALL RIGHT, YOU GO THAT WAY,

I'LL GO THIS WAY.

♪

♪

♪

♪

>> HELP! HELP!

>> SHUT THE FUCK UP!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

>> SOMEBODY COME HELP US!

>> YOU TREAT QUEENS LIKE HOES,

AND HOES LIKE QUEENS.

[metal scraping]

♪

♪

♪

[metal crashing]

♪

[screaming]

DIRTY BITCH!

>> HELLO, IS THERE SOMEBODY

OUT THERE?

♪

HELLO!

I'M TIRED OF PLAYING GAMES.

IT'S JUST ME, A LITTLE FRIEND.

♪

[screaming]

[screaming]

[clowns laughing]

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?

♪

[screaming]

[laughter and screaming]

♪

[screaming]

[clown cackling]

[screaming]

♪

♪

>> NOW THAT WAS GROSS.

>>> TIGER AND THE GARAGE

WERE THE LAST TWO LINKS TO

OUR FATHER...VON DRAGO HAD

TAKEN ONE, AND NOW HE WANTED

THE OTHER...THAT WASN'T

GOING TO HAPPEN.

♪

WE DECIDED TO TAKE THE FIGHT

TO VON DRAGO AND HIT HIM WHERE

IT HURTS...RIGHT IN THE ASS.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

>> NEON CITY, YOU'RE GONNA

GET THE SHAFT NOW.

IT'S A SCALE MODEL OF MINE.

>> both: CAN WE PLAY?

>> NO!

>> WHAT A DICK.

>> DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED

LAST NIGHT?

>> OH, I WENT ON THIS

FOSSIL HUNT AND SAW THIS OLDIE

BUT A GOODY...FAKE TITTIES

LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE,

AND I'M LIKE, SLAPPING THAT ASS.

AND I'M LIKE, WOO-HOO, YEAH.

>> YEAH! SWEET, DUDE!

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, MAN!

>> WHAT ARE WE DOING TONIGHT?

>> WE COULD GO GET MY MOM'S CAR.

>> SOUNDS GOOD, SOUNDS GOOD.

>> SHIT!

>> MY BAD.

♪

>>> OUR MOMENT OF TRUTH

HAD FINALLY ARRIVED...

♪

♪

>> WHAT THE --

[gunshot]

♪

♪

♪

♪

>> SCORPIO?

NO...NO, SCORPIO IS DEAD.

COME OUT, COME OUT,

WHEREVER YOU ARE.

♪

♪

>> BRINGING A KNIFE

TO A SWORD FIGHT?

>> WELL PLAYED.

YOU MIGHT EVEN LAST A LITTLE

LONGER THAN YOUR FATHER DID.

♪

♪

>> WELL, WHAT A BEAUTY!

I WOULD RECOGNIZE YOU ANYWHERE.

YOU LOOK LIKE MY OLD FRIEND,

SCORPIO.

I LOVED HIM, YOU KNOW,

JUST LIKE A BROTHER.

>> I LOVED HIM.

♪

♪

>> IT WAS YOUR FAULT

THAT HE DIED...YOU...

YOU WERE HIS WEAKNESS.

♪

♪

♪

I'LL BE YOUR FATHER NOW.

>> NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO DIE.

♪

>> NO...NO...

YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!

YOU DON'T LOVE HIM, I LOVED HIM!

♪

♪

>> KEID!

>> YOU REALLY PISSED ME OFF.

>> WELL, THAT DIDN'T

WORK OUT SO WELL.

♪

♪

>> WHERE'S MY SEA PLANE?

>> PLEASE HOLD FOR THE NEXT

AVAILABLE SEA PLANE OPERATOR.

THE ESTIMATED WAIT TIME IS

TWO DAYS AND FIVE MINUTES.

>> HEY, YOU OUT THERE IN

THE BOAT, I NEED YOUR BOAT NOW.

$10,000, BRING THE BOAT

HERE NOW, I NEED IT.

>> NO.

>> HOW ABOUT A BILLION DOLLARS?

BRING YOUR BOAT NOW!

>> HEY, FUCK YOU, MAN!

[gun clicking]

>> IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT ME...

AGAIN!

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LIKE CHILDREN

TO ME, LIKE -- LIKE MY OWN

DAUGHTERS, DAUGHTERS THAT

I WOULD SHARE OVER A MILLION

DOLLARS CASH WITH...YOU CAN

EVEN KEEP YOUR BODY SHOP.

I DON'T EVEN WANT IT ANYMORE.

I HAVE NO USE FOR IT,

I'LL BUILD SOMEWHERE ELSE.

TAKE THE MONEY AS

A GOOD FAITH GESTURE.

THAT'S RIGHT...HUH? HUH?

A SWEET INNOCENT YOUNG GIRL LIKE

YOU WOULDN'T SHOOT A DEFENSELESS

UNARMED MAN, WOULD YOU?

NO...

[laughing]

DIE!

♪

[laughing]

♪

YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS

TO KILL VON DRAGO.

ONLY VON DRAGO CAN KILL

VON DRAGO.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE,

A POCKET KNIFE?

YOU GOT NOTHING.

[yelling and groaning]

[laughing]

I TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU --

YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS

TO KILL ME.

>> OH, YOU'RE RIGHT, I DON'T

HAVE THE GUTS, BUT YOU DO.

THIS IS FOR DADDY.

>>> NOTHING IS SWEETER THAN

REVENGE...UNLESS IT'S REVENGE

PLUS A MILLION DOLLARS CASH.

>> GUESS YOU WON'T BE

NEEDING THIS ANYMORE.

♪

>> HOLD ON...

THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO DO.

♪

♪

>> WHAT THE FUCK?

>> THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE

TO SMELL MY SHIT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR

DIGGING IN MY WIFE'S DRAWERS.

I LEFT YOU A NOSE COOKIE.

>> THAT'S REAL CLEVER.

ARE YOU READY TO GO BEFORE WE

END UP DEAD LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?

>> YOU LEAVE, MY PROGRAM'S ON.

>> OH, RIGHT, THAT'S IMPORTANT!

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD

NEED ANYMORE PROOF THAN THIS!

>> NO, YOU DON'T SEEM TO

UNDERSTAND, WE NEED TO GET THE

FUCK PRONTO LIKE BEFORE WE DIE.

>> I ORDERED A PACKAGE.

>> OH, GOOD, MORE CRAP.

WELL, I FOR ONE, LIKE

THE BREATHING THING,

SO I AM GOING TO GO.

[doorbell ringing]

>> ANSWER THE FUCKING DOOR.

>> I'M GONNA GET THE DOOR

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE GETTING

THE FUCKING DOOR.

AH, GREAT.

>> A PACKAGE!

>> IT AIN'T SHOES.

>> both: TIGER?

♪

OH, FUCK!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

>> YO, YO, YO!

>> WHAT THE FUCK?

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT'S UP, BEE-ATCH!

>> WHAT DID YOU SAY?

>> SO WHAT YOU THINK, BITCH?

>> OH, HELL NO!

WE DON'T NEED NO

BOYFRIENDS GONE GANGSTA!

♪

>> THIS IS REAL!

THIS IS NOT HOLLYWOOD

FOOLISHNESS.

THIS IS NOT SARAH J. PARKER

AND HER HOLLYWOOD PALS SITTING

AROUND DRINKING YOUR COFFEE

AND LISTENING TO ABBA.

THIS IS REAL, AND I HAVE --

YOU WANT PROOF?

I GOT MORE PROOF.

COME HERE, ELLIE.

MY DAUGHTER, THIS IS MY

BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, ELLIE.

IT DON'T MATTER.

IT DON'T MATTER AT ALL BECAUSE

THIS LITTLE GUY IS WATCHING YOU.

HE'S WATCHING YOU AT HOME.

HOW MUCH MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED?

THIS IS REAL, THIS AIN'T TV!

THIS AIN'T -- WELL, IT IS TV.

YOU GOT ME THERE, IT IS TV.