Original subtitles

So lay it out for us, Admiral.

- What's the conundrum? - The Titanic Museum

is one of the most popular in the world,

and it's all thanks to the blockbuster film

about the timeless romance between Jack and Rose.

I love that movie.

I even saw it in 3D.

It felt like I was drowning to death.

Meanwhile, attendance here at the Lusitania Museum is

- at an all-time low. - What?! That's ridiculous.

Do people not even realize that when the Lusitania

was torpedoed by a German U-boat in 1915,

it triggered U.S. involvement in World War I?

Historically, the Lusitania's

way more significant than the Titanic!

I know. We're going to have to close our doors for good

if we don't get more visitors.

So why not make a Lusitania movie

to get people excited about it?

You think we haven't tried?

Every time we pitch one,

we're accused of ripping off Titanic.

But then we had

a better idea.

If we could somehow find

evidence that the Lusitania had a real-life romance on it,

that would beat any Hollywood fantasy

and our museum would finally get

the crowds it deserves.

So what do you want us to do?

Please, dive down

to the wreckage of the Lusitania

and find us our Jack and Rose.

Aah!

Bubbles!

How's it going down there, guys?

Find any signs of true love?

That's a negative, good buddy.

Roger that.

"Good buddy"?

Um, yeah.

I like the sound of that.

Whoa! Rip, get over here, quick.

What is it?

The historical record has always claimed

the Lusitania's carpets were tan, but look--

they're actually blue.

Oh, damn it, Saltine, who gives a shit?

Hey, what's this?

A giant octopus! Oh, my God!

No, no, no, no, no.

It died.

Choked on plastic.

A sad reminder that octopuses

are truly stupid animals.

Whoa, Rip, check it out.

A perfectly preserved cabin with historical treasure untold?

Uh, yeah, Mother's rock-hard.

It's a scrapbook.

"Jack and Rose:

Our True Story"?

So Jack and Rose were real?

And they were also on the Lusitania?!

Not just the Lusitania--

the Titanic, the HMS Bulwark,

the Liberté. Jack and Rose

were aboard every major shipwreck

of the early 20th century.

- Wow, that's some bad luck. - No.

Luck had nothing to do with it.

They were responsible for those shipwrecks.

And this scrapbook proves it.

- You mean... - That's right, Swooper,

my good buddy-- Jack and Rose

were homicidal maniacs!

All I heard was "good buddy" again,

and I am loving it!

This shows exactly how

Jack and Rose sank each ship--

steering the Titanic into an iceberg

after roofie'ing the captain,

lighting a bomb on the Lusitania

and then framing those poor innocent Germans.

The list goes on and on.

Wow. This is crazy.

The Titanic movie means so much to so many people.

I mean, Jack and Rose basically caused my sexual awakening.

If people found out, they'd be crushed.

So what are you saying?

You think we should keep this a secret?

Damn it, Saltine,

if you sit on a hot potato like this,

it burns your whole ass.

You think I don't know a potato burns your ass?

It's just...

this one hits close to home.

Well, if you ever want to become a full-blown arky like me,

there's one super important lesson you need to learn.

Exposing the truth is worth any consequence.

I understand.

Sometimes the status...

can't remain quo.

Uh, okay, whatever that means.

You love your Latin.

All right, time to call Boat Boy.

Land ho.

I hope you're sitting down.

One sec.

Hit me.

We just found out that Jack and Rose were real

and they were terrorists.

They sunk the Titanic, the Lusitania and more!

Incredible! Who were they working for?

I cannot tell as of yet.

None of the targets have anything in common

as of yet.

It's a complete and utter mystery...

as of yet.

I can't wait to rub this in the faces

of those Titanic snobs across the street.

They'll rue the day they called me Lieutenant Lamewad.

I'm an admiral, damn it!

Knock-knock. Admiral Lamewad!

Here's the evidence that'll disgrace Jack and Rose forever.

I'm just gonna turn your chair around.

Admiral Lamewad!

He's now the late Admiral Lamewad.

Who would do such a thing?

Arr!

I would, matey.

The name's Ice Bergens.

Oh, my God!

Is it International Talk Like a Pirate Day?

Yes! Now hand over the scrapbook, ya scallywag,

or you'll find yourself in Davy Jones' locker.

Yeah, no, totally. Makes perfect sense.

But let me just give a little bump of narcotic

to my furry friend here first.

Look.

He's with the Titanic Museum.

The Admiral must have run his mouth.

Looks like they don't want the truth

about Jack and Rose to get out.

We have to alert the authorities.

Oh, my God. Alert the authorities?

I mean, I agree we should,

but you sound like such a zark, Saltine.

But, yeah, no, I agree.

It's a really good idea. Let's do it.

Officer,

we'd like to report a murder.

Crime is my very field of trade.

I'd be happy to help.

Why don't you, uh, come join me in this dark alley

and tell me all about it?

Actually, never mind.

I just remembered they died of natural causes.

- What is it? - The Titanic Museum is one

of the most powerful institutions on the planet.

They have people everywhere.

We can't trust anyone.

I got to warn Agatha

and Swoops.

Rip, our HQ was ransacked.

Oh, damn it! It's the Titanic Museum.

Okay, Agatha, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but it's a Code 36.

We're out of Turkish delight?

Oh, whoops. I meant Code 37.

Code 37!

Good God! Code 37.

I understand.

Farewell, Rip.

- What's Code 37? - Code 37 means

all our lives are in grave danger

and so we scatter to the wind.

Oh, that was crazy. Some wind blew right when I said that.

Do we really need to do this?

- Go into hiding? - Yes, Saltine.

The Titanic Museum is basically like the CIA plus the yakuza.

They're bloodthirsty killers who will stop at nothing

to preserve their legacy.

Holy-- and I don't say this lightly-- guacamole.

Welcome to my safe house, Saltine.

Now, the Titanic Museum is only after us

so we don't reveal the truth about Jack and Rose.

But once the truth's out there,

they won't kill us because everyone will know it was them.

And I know just how to spread the word.

Welcome back to The Night Show!

with your host, Chortles Collins.

It's time for another edition of "On The Contrary."

Let's take a look at a clip of Senator Potts.

I think Americans would be happy to pay higher taxes

if it means their congressmen get raises.

Um, Senator,

on the contrary.

Chortles Collins.

The most trusted name in late-night comedy news.

Can't we talk to a real reporter?

Sadly, no real news organization

reaches all of America now, Saltine.

Only Chortles does. He bridges the divide.

That is true. But how would you even get booked on the show?

Because Chortles owes me a favor.

Wait, you know Chortles Collins?

Indeed I do. We went to boarding school together.

Actually, we went through a lot more than that together.

You know that book, Lord of the Flies?

Yes.

We once had to read it for English class.

Whoa...

Okay, everybody, that's it. I got every last one of you.

Mr. Collins, you are just as nice off camera as you are on.

Yeah, tell that to my proctologist.

- Hello, Chortles. - Aah!

Rip Digman?

The last time I saw you,

Dick Cheney was still looking

for his weapons of mass destruction.

Oh, no!

Hey, please just save the gut busters, friend,

or I'll never get through this.

Okay, here's the deal.

You have to let me be a guest on your show.

I've made an amazing find and I need to share it with the world.

What is it?

For your own safety,

I can only tell you live, on-air.

But you have to trust me. It's huge.

So, can I come on tomorrow night?

I don't know, Rip.

I've already got Zane booked on the show.

Ugh.

Th-That's fine. It doesn't matter.

Look, you owe me, Chortles.

I don't owe you anything.

Oh, don't you?

I shared my answers with you on a vocab test in eighth grade.

If it weren't for me, you'd have never learned

the word "contrary."

And now I owe my career to that word.

Okay, fine. Tomorrow night.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have tickets for the theater.

And we're back.

So, Zane, tell me more about Puffington Day.

Oh, yeah, that's right, Chortles.

My wife hails from the kingdom of Puffland,

and Puffington Day is a beloved holiday

that celebrates their most sacred traditions.

Yeah, screwing and getting our drink on.

And that's why we've written a children's book.

I love it. Okay, everyone,

my next guest is a disgraced arky

who is currently on the lam, Rip Digman.

♪

Wow, Rip, you look and smell

- terrible. - Shut up!

- Great to see you, Rip. - Shut up!

Now everyone buckle your seat belts,

'cause I've got some shocking information I need to share

about a certain beloved shipwreck.

- What the? - Yes, it's time for me

to reveal the unsettling truth,

- which is... - Let's play "What's in the Box!"

Huh?

Reach into that box and tell us what you think's inside.

Shit!

We think it's shit.

Why'd you cut me off?

What the... A gun?

On live TV? What is this, The Murray Franklin Show?

Sorry, Rip, I don't have a choice.

The Titanic Museum is our top sponsor.

So not another word about Jack and Rose,

or else.

Son of a bitch!

That's right. It was shit.

So, Rip,

you were saying something about a shipwreck

or your life flashing before your eyes or something?

Uh, yeah. I wanted to say...

everybody thinks the Lusitania had tan carpets,

but they were actually blue.

You don't say. Well, blue definitely beats tan.

"Um, hi, yes, I'd like to buy a carpet

the color of dirt, please."

"Yes, that's right,

dirt, where worms live."

What the hell?

I just launched a line of tan carpets

with the slogan "As tan as the Lusitania's carpet."

Hello? You want to cancel

your order for a tan carpet?

And you do, too?

Seriously, old friend, if you're smart,

you'll keep your nose out of the Titanic Museum's business.

I'm just looking out for you here.

Chortles, you ruined me!

Look out! He's got an industrial-sized staple gun!

- Huh? Oh. - It's not that bad.

You're gonna make it, buddy.

On the contrary. I'm signing off for the last time.

Rip, listen to me. I messed up.

Got in too deep with the Titanic people.

You don't know the whole truth.

The lock, Rip. The lock...

is the key.

Goodbye, my dear, sweet friend.

All right, call the coroner.

We got a big fucking corpse here.

Uh, okay, so, Chortles turned out to be a bust.

We got to blow the lid off this thing fast.

The body count keeps rising.

All right, let's get back to the clue.

Chortles said, "The lock is the key." Hmm.

What if he didn't mean a lock of hair,

but instead, some other sort of lock?

Or what if he did mean a lock of hair?

Saltine, you're brilliant.

Let's see. Isn't there, isn't there.

Yes! The scrapbook has a lock of Rose's hair.

I can send it off to be DNA tested.

We'll just have to wait 48 hours for the results.

Which just so happens to be the perfect amount of time

to finally binge-watch all 48 episodes

of the acclaimed, prestige TV show The Boddingtons.

And that's why we'll always be...

the Boddingtons.

Well, that sucked.

We weren't wondering why they were the Boddingtons.

The DNA results are in.

Oh, my goggles.

They had a daughter!

- Go away. - Wait.

Laverne Dawson. We know your parents are Jack and Rose

from the Titanic.

And the Lusitania.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

We know the truth about them.

But if there's more to the story, we want to hear it.

Jack and Rose taught an entire generation of teenagers

what it means to be horny.

You got the wrong old lady.

You know what? Forget it, Saltine.

Let's just go tell the world the truth.

Oh. Dang.

When it turned out "the lock is the key" meant

Jack and Rose had a daughter, I was hoping

she could explain why they sunk all those ships.

Me too, but she said she's not the right person

and frankly, I believe her.

I mean, the lead did come from that jokester Chortles,

so I guess we should have taken it the way I take my pretzels:

with a grain of salt.

Whoop! Hold on. My phone's ringing.

It's Swooper. Oh, yeah.

I was wondering what he and Agatha have been up to

for the past week.

I bought this farmhouse a couple years ago.

It's really off the beaten path, so we should be safe.

Wow. Me, in a small town? I'll certainly

miss my metropolitan lifestyle in the big city.

Two macchiatos, please.

I'm afraid we only have regular old coffee here.

Guessing you don't get too many worldly globetrotters

in here, huh?

It's gonna be hard for me

to adjust to life in this Podunk town!

I couldn't help but overhear-- because you're screaming--

but this town actually has a lot of charms.

May I give you a tour?

That'd be great.

Okay, let's go see shitsville.

♪ Tell me what you want this year ♪

♪ I only want you... ♪

Our number one export is hot cocoa.

- Hmm. - Our number two export

- is tiny little marshmallows. - Hmm.

Our number three export is fracking.

And we have horse-drawn sleighs instead of cars

and carrot stations instead of gas stations.

And, uh, where can I find a vibrant,

experimental theater scene?

- You can't. - Okay.

Me and my bodega guy are gonna

have a good laugh about this.

- Wow! - That's the mayor's house.

And, yes, it is made out of gingerbread.

Kind of makes me want to take a bite.

I'm actually freezing my two nuts off!

The Christmasberg Town Tree.

Whoever wins the Cookie Baking Competition gets to light it.

Lady, I think I speak for both of us

when I say who gives a shit?

Aw, fuck!

♪ 'Cause at Christmastime ♪

♪ I only want you. ♪

This gingerbread cookie tastes

as good as one of my house's walls.

The winner is Agatha!

Huzzah!

I'm so pissed off.

Who would do something like this?

I saw the whole thing!

It was Swooper.

Let's find him and kill him!

We'll tear him limb from limb and bathe in his blood.

No one is safe!

Let's go, everybody.

Agatha? I'm scared.

Shh. It's going to be all right.

I miss working for Rip.

Going all over the world. So great.

Don't worry. Soon, we're gonna work for Rip again.

- You mean it? - Yup.

We're gonna work for Rip and you're gonna fly a big,

shiny airplane in the sky.

And there's gonna be rabbits on the plane.

All the soft, furry rabbits you can imagine.

Stop right there.

Drop the gun.

Wait. You were gonna blow my head off?

Give me your phone.

Whoop, hold on,

my phone's ringing. It's Swooper.

Hey, Swooper, real quick,

don't talk shit about Saltine

'cause I have you on speaker. Okay, go.

This isn't Swooper. It's Ice Bergens.

It is? But you're not talking

- like a pirate at all. - Yes, because it's no longer

Talk Like A Pirate Day. I have your friends.

If you ever want to see 'em again, let's make a trade.

Your friends for the scrapbook.

Don't give in, Rip!

Just tell Cornelia I had

- a wonderful first date. - Yeah, Rip, don't do it.

Just give me a proper lesbian funeral.

Tomorrow night,

11:00 p.m., meet me at Pier 59 in New York City.

The very pier where the Titanic was supposed to dock.

No shit. Neat.

Okay, yeah, we'll be there.

And then you'll go down faster than the Titanic herself.

Assuming you have a plan, Saltine. Do you?

- No. - Oh, no, we're fucked!

I'm sorry, Saltine.

I was trying to teach you

that exposing the truth is worth any consequence.

But then, as soon as I faced real consequences,

I buckled like the back half of Garfield's owner's last name.

Hello, Rip.

What the hell?

Is it International Crazy Hat Day or something?

Yes. Now, the scrapbook. Bring it to me.

Uh, okay. Of course.

Just one second.

Here I go.

What's the holdup?

Is revealing the truth more important

than your friends' lives?

Oh, yes!

And Arky of the Year goes to...

Rip Digman!

Obrigado! Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh.

Rip Digman has just hit a grand slam

to win the World Series!

And on the eve of his wedding to Princess Beautiful.

Agatha, Swooper,

I did it! Oh.

Well, you had a good ride, buddy.

Did you hear that, Swooper and Agatha?

Wait a sec. Where are they?

Why?!

What's the holdup?

Is revealing the truth more important

than your friends' lives?

Oh, no!

Rip Digman and two friends

win the four-legged race.

For the second year in a row,

Rip Digman and friends win the four-legged race.

And we have a new champion.

Sadly, Rip and his two friends could not be here today.

And I now know what I must do.

All right, now you can just go ahead

and hand over Swooper and Agatha, like we agreed.

And hey, why not let 'em keep the funny hats?

Oh, they can keep the hats... in their coffins.

You double-crossed us.

You know the truth about Jack and Rose.

We certainly can't let you live.

He said, unaware of a huge zit on his forehead.

Whoa!

Holy cow! Whoa!

- Aah! - Aah!

Laverne? What in the dickens is going on?

In polite society, a thank you would be in order.

Oh, yeah, thank you. I'm still just a little freaked out

from seeing four guys get their heads blown clean off!

I mean, I still got prefrontal cortex on my face.

And let's just say it smells like brain gunk.

You saved us even though we're the ones

who want to reveal the truth about your parents.

That's why I saved you, you nincompoop.

My whole life, I hid the truth about my parents

because I thought it would hurt people.

But you showed me that hurting people

is exactly what the Titanic Museum is doing.

It's time to put an end to this madness

and tell the world what I know.

Oh, okay. Well, in that case,

why did they sink all those ships?

- ♪ - My parents had a rare

sexual predilection.

They could only get turned on

while on the deck of a sinking ship.

Like the characters in that David Cronenberg movie Crash,

but instead of car crashes, it was shipwrecks.

Okay, that makes sense.

If they weren't sinking a ship,

Jack couldn't get hard and Rose couldn't ovulate.

We're not quite sure that's exactly how the science works,

but sounds like they were pretty convinced.

Uh, I'm a doctor, and I can say

- that is how the science works. - Thank you.

But I should warn you, I'm a bit of a quack.

- Will you shut the fuck up? - Anyway, that's why

they murdered thousands of people.

So they could start a family.

Wow, this really ruins Jack and Rose for everyone.

So why tell us this?

Because of one man: Rip Digman.

Ah, so this is all Rip Digman's fault?

Wait, wait. I wouldn't say it's my fault.

They're the ones who sank all those ships.

I just revealed the truth, which is my solemn duty as an arky.

Rip ruined Jack and Rose.

You suck, Rick.

Why's everyone mad at me?

I guess that's just the "consequence"

for exposing the truth, huh, Rip?

- Uh-huh. - You know what I mean?

That thing you kept saying to me?

- Yup. - Seems like it's kind of

coming full circle and biting you in the ass.

All right, I vaguely see your point, Saltine.

And I suppose it would be ironic if I happened

to give three shits!

After all,

we are...

the Boddingtons.

This show sucks!

But doesn't it at least feel good

to all be back together again?

Not if we have to watch this shit.

It gets good. Briefly.

And then really bad again for the whole rest of it.

- No! - Come on!

Aw, I missed you guys.

Yup. Enjoy the time you have left, Saltine.

- What does that mean? - You'll find out soon enough.

Sometime between the second and third annual arky picnics.

- What? - All right.

Bring it in, you, knuckleheads.

Rip Digman and his friends

were not so nice as we imagined.

Perhaps their names need to be added to a different list.

Chirp.

♪ MTV. ♪