Original subtitles

Jill! Jill!

Where are they?

Where are they, darling?

We're on a new schedule here, you know.

Oh, I'm giving me pain again.

Okay, head back.

And part your lip.

Good.

You're going to look terrific.

Okay, who's the wife?

Brandy, this has got to be yours.

Sorry, Jamie. I was just trying to hook it from the back, and it just sprang

off.

Well, you know, you could get a bigger... Never mind. What was I

idea.

Okay, you're beautiful.

Next.

Don't overdo the rouge this time. I ended up looking like a clown in a

Oh, and tripping over the speakers didn't have anything to do with it, huh?

Hi, Jamie.

Hi. Hey, Jamie. How's it going?

They're animals, Deb.

Animals. What kind of animals?

You've stumped me again, Fink. You are amazing.

Hey, Jay, are you almost done with these girls? Because Hector is about to pop a

blood vessel.

This is news?

They're yours, boss. Take them away.

Back to the salt mines.

I thought it was a beach.

Oh, uh, Margie.

Don't forget your clown nose.

Cow.

winner of last year's Mermaid Body Splash Beach Bikini Beauty Contest. And

Bink Phillips. I won the year before.

And we want you to join us here in beautiful Miami for the final.

Miami? Oh, boy!

Each of these beautiful girls is the winner of a local Mermaid Bikini

And now they're here with Bink and I in Miami to be the Mermaid Body Splash

Mermaid of the Year.

Yay!

It's going to be a bleach cabini bath.

Gosh, gosh, gosh!

It was just a little pain, but I get the feeling that it's going to get worse.

Okay, darlings.

We're going to light you all up and have each one of you say the line until I

find the perfect delivery.

Okay? Magic, you first.

have a bikini cost, mate.

This is a blast bikini contest.

It's going to be a beach.

Hector, I can't work like this. It's too bright out here. Okay, Becky, just

relax.

Take a deep breath.

Look at the camera and say, it's going to be a

beach bikini blast.

Now you try it.

It's going to be a beach bikini blast.

Well,

kid, what do you think?

Sure he can afford this, Rob?

You kidding, Scotty.

Every kid in America has your Wacky Weasel game on their TV.

You're a millionaire now.

Get used to it.

Well, then, let's do it.

Thanks.

Well, Jamie, sure hope you like your wedding present.

Hello?

Hey, Mouse, you still on for tonight?

Oh, tonight.

Don't tell me you forgot our date.

No, I've just been in bikini hell all day long.

Oh, poor baby.

Such torture, being surrounded by beautiful naked women all day.

Well, that doesn't do much for me.

Now if it was surfer boy calendar again.

Hey, hey now. Hey, hey now.

Well, anyway, I just wanted to tell you I got a big surprise for you tonight.

And I'm not telling you what it is.

Oh, now who's the torturer?

What is it?

Come on, what is it?

Oh, you just have to wait and see.

Oh, you little... Jamie, Tiffany needs a spreadsheet.

Oh, you know what? I gotta go. Pick me up at seven? You got it. Okay.

More than he bargains for tonight.

Be like a fool, a fool.

Can you put a spell on me?

Cause I can't find my cool, my cool.

Oh, but this girlfriend, you don't need no plastic parts.

You're perfect.

Perfect.

Don't you say no.

I thought she was a down -home honest girl. I mean, she's not Hollywood.

Hollywood, California?

Or Hollywood, Florida?

What difference does it make?

She's going to be a great painter someday.

Oh, man. I mean, maybe I should have listened to her.

Maybe she did have a reasonable explanation.

So naive.

Thank God you got me to watch out for you.

It's her. It's Jamie. Don't answer that.

The state you're in shall have you eating out of her hand in no time.

You'd probably still give her the key to the house.

I want to give her the key to the house. I love her.

Oh, brother.

Let me take care of this.

You need some time to cool off.

Scott West.

Scotty, it's Jamie.

This is Scott's attorney, Robert Bond.

Scott's under some emotional distress right now and is unable to talk to you.

Please, just let me explain. And any further questions should go through my

office. Robert, that's so cruel.

For your own good, kid.

Trust me.

What kind of creep gets his lawyer to handle his lover's tips for him?

Yeah, lawyers are for after the divorce.

Jamie, you don't need this game boy. There are real men out there. And from

on, Bink, you and I are going to make it our duty to find her one.

And I'm sure Bink will test drive each and every one of them personally.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hey, wait, what do you mean?

I don't want another man. I want Scotty.

What, Bink?

Sorry, Robert. I mean, Jamie's so sweet and open. I just can't believe she's as

two -faced as you say she is.

Well, there's only one way to find out for sure.

Hire a private detective.

Private detective? That's so easy.

I couldn't do that. No, absolutely not.

Do you want to know what she's doing?

See who she's seeing? If anyone, what she's up to?

No, I'm not that type of guy. I overreacted enough as it is.

How much is a private detective anyway?

Come on, honey. Forget about him.

After work, we're going to go out on the town. You know, the parties, the

dancing. The hot Latino house.

Nightclubs. I know you like to dance. You're really good at it, too.

Oh, I know you guys are trying to cheer me up, but I just can't. Oh, Jamie, we

live in Miami.

Let's enjoy the city.

What she said.

Miami.

Miami.

Beaches, parties, nightclubs. Ha!

Just another day in the bikini factory.

Hey, we all have some tonight and tomorrow free, and you are going to get

the fun you can handle. Trust me.

Don't worry about me. I don't want to have fun.

How could you not want to have fun?

And these are the winners from the past two years.

Devin Pink, do you remember Mr.

Highsmith, the owner of Made Me Cosmetic?

Nice to see you, boss.

Hello again.

Pleasure is all mine.

Hector, who is this? Another contestant?

No.

She's just Jamie, the makeup girl.

That's too bad.

You know, Jamie, you have all the qualities of beauty and innocence the

line is looking for.

Don't rub it in.

Sir, this way, please. Let me introduce you to some of the other girls.

Nice to meet you, Jamie.

Nice to meet you, too.

Please wait.

Oh,

Jamie, you have just the innocence and beauty the mermaid line is looking for.

Oh, stop.

Why did you ever try it out for the contest, Jay? Because. You know I want

a pointer, you guys.

This isn't my life. Besides, I'm too shy anyway.

Oh, come on. I see you dance when we go out. You're not shy then.

Well, that's not on stage and no one's noticing me.

Oh, please.

Everybody's watching you. Are you kidding?

Well, I get lost in the music and I don't even notice.

Well, that's what I do when I'm on stage.

Once the music starts, I don't notice a thing.

Yeah, you just have to let the music take you.

It's just not me.

Let me get this straight.

You want me to follow your fiancé who works for a bikini contest and is

constantly surrounded by beautiful women in Next to Nothing and spy on her 24

hours a day with a camera to catch her if she gets up to anything immoral?

How much?

I got 300 on me.

And the keys that might be like... Oh,

just a little detective humor.

Oh, it's going to be 500 a day plus expenses.

Fine.

Can you start today?

I just clocked in.

Mr. West.

Never fear, Mr.

West.

Lance Burke is on the case.

Oh boy

So

true So

true

I see it, but I don't believe it.

I distinctively remember you promising to have a little fun.

She did. I remember. Come on, guys. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I've had a long day.

Oh, Bink, it's time to take desperate measures.

Right.

This town's rich.

But where are we going to find paint this time of night?

There's no such thing.

So,

senorita,

habla espanol?

Uh, no.

I have an interval with English, thanks.

You're a silly thing. I'd like to take you home.

Why? It looks like you've got a silly little thing already.

You mean my what?

Oh, you've got a what?

Does she know you're here tonight?

My wife thinks I'm at an insurance convention in Milwaukee.

I just wish you were.

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask. Get me an erection.

An erection?

I've never had me one of them.

That's what I thought. Well, just go ask the bartender if he can give you an

erection and then see what he says.

I'm on my way. I'll be right back.

After a short stay in the hospital.

Deborah, you are so cruel.

But he was cheating on his wife.

Oh, is this the first time we've met?

Oh, no. We can meet plenty of times.

Plenty of times what?

Dancing. We can go out all the time.

Oh, so you like to dance, eh?

You ever do any dancing of the horizontal variety?

Oh,

you mean the limbo.

No, I'm not very good at it. I always skip over.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I can't imagine why.

But that's not what I mean when I'm talking about the way the music makes

feel.

Doesn't it hurt your heart?

Oh, what a silly exercise.

No, no, no, not like that. I mean, it's a heart where you just want to take a

few blows.

Make it right, then and there, you know what I mean?

Make what?

Say again?

What do you make with your clothes off? I mean, sometimes I clean my house in

the nude, but that's just to save my clothes from getting all dirty.

Hey,

are you all right?

Well, maybe I'm too drunk to make a sense.

Oh, no, don't be so hard on yourself.

You have very interesting questions. Go ahead, ask me another.

I think I need another drink, all right?

Well, they weren't very interesting questions, but you do have to be nice,

you?

Would you like to dance?

Now that's a good question.

Yes, I sure would.

You like to dance?

You got all dressed up, and now you're not going to dance.

No, no, it's the guy from the right.

Then he has to move.

Come on.

Come on.

All right.

I should get out now.

I guess she was right about that song.

It's a babe.

Suddenly I'm inspired.

What do you say, her last deal? You want to go back to my place and watch

submarine races?

Oh, babe.

Oh, submarine races? Can we come?

No, you guys go to the apartment.

They can watch it on TV.

Isn't that right, Gilbert?

Oh, let's see.

Who are you, Senorita?

You are Magneto.

I'm Jamie.

Who are you?

I am Pierre.

I've never seen such grace, such beauty, such passion.

You're not so bad yourself.

Come to my table. I have wine. We'll talk.

Bye.

I'm a painter.

So you understand, the female form is my muse, my inspiration.

The line, the form, the curves.

You dirty old man.

There is nothing dirty about beauty.

The human form is nature's most wonderful passion.

I never dance when I come here.

I sketch, you see.

Ah, that's beautiful.

But you, you cannot be sketched.

You have passion cannot be captured on paper.

I have to experience it for myself.

Pierre, you're making my head spin.

Come, let us live this place. I want you to pose for me, then I can possess you

forever.

I'm in love with somebody else.

Moonlit beach where palm trees sway.

The tropics are where lovers play.

My heart beats like a conga drum when you smile.

Until the early morning light to feel the

magic of your touch start to set.

When I look into your eyes

Thank you.

Dancing with someone?

Well, do you have pictures?

Proof?

Well, not exactly, but I saw us.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

No, no, I understand.

Evident.

Don't you worry, Mr. Webb.

Lance Burke is on the case.

Yes.

Goodbye.

Damn it, Jamie.

What are you doing?

Jay, how'd your session with the painter go?

It must have been great. She didn't come home forever.

Nothing happened.

Oh, come on. Don't give us that. We want all the details, girl.

How were his strokes?

Did he pour it on thick, or was he a master? Second me. Yeah, were his

nice? Nothing happened, really.

He showed me his paintings, we danced, and I chickened out.

Boy, this being in love must be really hard work.

You don't even know how hard.

Why would a Casanova like Pierre be interested in me anyway?

Well, because you're just as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.

And it shows.

Shut up, Deb.

Jeez, you're making me blush.

Go! Lady, get her out! Go!

Before me!

to show my appreciation for all your hard work and dedication, I would like

personally invite you to a carnival costume party.

Please, feel free to bring a guest.

Um, Mr. Highsmith, uh, crew aren't invited, are they?

Well, crew are especially invited.

Suspect changing position.

Nice and move out.

We're going to look hot.

We sure are.

So, going incognito, eh?

Hey, Miller.

How's the beat going?

Color any purple?

Any 5150?

Yeah, one. Come on, Burford. Okay, wait a second.

You're making a mistake. I'm a fellow crime fighter, a PI. I'm on a case.

Yeah, that's what they all say. Come on. No, but you don't understand.

She's...

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. One.

And three.

Well, well, well, look at you. It's the three little kittens.

Meow.

And we've left our meeting.

Oh, thanks.

I love you.

Ladies, welcome ashore.

Food, drinks, and dancing by the pool. Mi casa es su casa.

Thank you, Mr. Heisman. Gracias.

Muy bien.

Thank you.

Show off.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I got carried away.

Well, at least we still have our clothes on.

Mr. Highsmith.

Hi. Listen, I just wanted to thank you for throwing up this party and giving

contestants a chance to take a break from our hectic schedule.

You know, I think Mermaid Body Splash is the best body product in the world.

Would you like to dance?

Well, of course, Martin. Shall we?

Oh, I think it's time to put our plan in action.

Goodie. Did you grab the bottle? Oh, yeah.

Good. Oh, she likes that stuff so much, we're going to give it to her.

Hey, cutie, you want to do me a favor? Sure.

I think you're the most beautiful woman here. Would you like to dance with me?

much in French.

Sandy, have you seen Debra Bink anywhere around the party? I think I saw them

with Margie.

Margie?

No way.

Excuse me.

Sorry. Jimmy? Here.

What are you doing here? Your last kiss yesterday was too much, Jimmy.

I can't believe it was you. Here, no.

No, no.

Don't run away. I love you.

Pierre, we went through all of this yesterday.

Remember, unengaged? You were so reasonable.

That was before you kissed me. Now, reason is gone. I only know that if I

have you, I will go mad.

Oh, you're not far off already. Please, just let me go.

When you kissed me yesterday, your lips reminded me of a rose. Well, then why

don't you go buy one and kiss it all day long?

Don't mock me, my love.

I cannot handle it. Well, I'm leaving you, Pierre. Goodbye.

Jimmy.

Jimmy.

Jimmy.

Do you remember the guy from the other night? The genie one?

Good. Okay, this makes it easier.

All right, well, he's here, and he's being very insistent. And I thought if

liked him, maybe we could... Another trick?

I didn't say anything.

All right, whatever. Never mind. Okay, listen. We have to hurry, so give me

wig.

Jimmy, please.

Jimmy.

Jimmy.

Jimmy. Jimmy.

Jimmy, where are you?

Oh, Jamie, please, listen to me.

Can it be true?

Did I convince you at last?

Please, speak.

Tell me all of your love.

All you want to play.

Okay, my little kitty cat.

Here I come.

I'm a mermaid.

Margie, get down.

Margie, get away from the pool. I'm a mermaid.

Margie, get down.

What's gotten into her?

You know that?

What do you say you and me, uh...

Hey!

Where you going?

We're just getting started.

I don't think so.

Aw, you remember?

You asked me what I was dressed as.

Give me that. Girls like you are always in the mood.

Wake up!

Sailor!

Consider your shore leave officially terminated.

Thank you, Mr. Highsmith.

Forget about it, Pink.

Jamie, is that you?

Or did you switch wigs?

Little prank.

And yes, I'm flying.

Well, you look a little overwhelmed.

Perhaps you should retreat upstairs to collect yourself and freshen up.

No, I couldn't.

Well, actually, if you don't mind.

This way.

Yes, it's been that kind of day.

Well, let's change that.

Champagne?

Oh, uh, I... Okay.

Hmm.

That's nice.

So, you've never really considered trying out for the contest?

No.

No.

I like doing things like drawing and painting and makeup. I mean, I think

really great and everything.

But I'd rather make a thing than be a thing.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm so sorry about that. I really, I didn't... Jamie.

Jamie.

You are an amazing woman.

Do you know that?

Stop. I'm just the makeup girl.

You are as fresh and sweet...

And honest, as you are to look at.

Do you know how rare that is?

Mr. Highsmith, I... Peter.

Peter.

Oh, no.

Not you, too.

No, hell, don't cry, Jamie.

Yes, yes, yes.

Rance Burke is on the count.

Oh, Jimmy, you make me on fire.

I'm a throbbing guy here up loud.

Ed?

You're not Jimmy?

Jim.

I've been tricked.

You don't want me?

I want Jimmy.

What villainy?

What's deception?

What line?

What form?

What classical proportions?

What beauty?

What perfection?

Oh, I love artists. They see the sweetest things.

Jamie,

please don't cry.

I thought you'd slap me or storm out or perhaps even kiss me back, but I never

expected you to cry.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

It's not you. I mean, I think you're a really nice guy. I mean, I'd be crazy

to go out with you.

It's just that I just really realized that the only guy I really want to be

is my fiancé.

And he never, he never wants to see me again.

Jamie, what did you do to her, you turd? Just because you're rich doesn't

mean... No, no, Deb, he didn't do anything, really. He didn't. Are you

honey? I'm positive, I'm sure. He just made me realize how much I really love

Scotty. And I just made me cry.

Don't cry, kiddo. Everything's going to turn out okay.

I'm sorry about that turd comment.

Perfectly understandable, considering the circumstances.

Well, you are charming, aren't you?

I practice every day.

And you?

Oh, I flunk charm school. I just get by on my looks.

Are you sure you're going to be all right, honey?

No, I'm fine. You stay and have fun.

I can get home on my own. And desert you in your hour of need? What kind of

friend does that?

Mr. Highsmith, thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder.

Sorry for having started it all.

And it's still Peter, Jamie.

Bye,

Prince Charming.

Goodbye, Charmed School.

Take good care of her.

No more, no more.

Your force of nature.

Aw, no more?

No more. I'm spent.

The well is dry.

Okay, I'll get dressed. We can go and dance. Are you ready to go and dance?

What perfect skin tone.

Oh, my God.

It's impossible.

What inspiration.

Oh, Pierre.

He should have something, isn't he?

He should go back there.

If he likes you, I can tell.

Oh, please. Like, he would even look twice at me after losing you.

Of course he'd look at you. He already was.

He was scoping your funds as we walked out.

Jamie. It's true.

No, I think I'm just going to take you back to the apartment.

Oh, come on, Dev. I'm a big girl now.

I can cross the street by myself.

Are you sure you're going to be okay?

Yes, go, jeez.

Well, okay, but only if it makes you happy.

Hey, kitty cat, you want to see my cat toy? No.

Pussycat, can I take you home? I saw her first.

I said I saw her first.

Get out, sucker.

Hey, she's getting away.

She must have gone this way.

Oh.

Hello again, charm school.

Forget something.

Well, I lost my mittens, remember?

You know, you work very fast. Her tears aren't even dry yet.

I told her this was a bad idea.

Her?

You mean Jamie put you up to this?

For your sake or mine?

Well, both, hopefully.

I thought you just got by on your looks.

Champagne.

Oh, you mean you're not going to throw me out?

Maybe later. Depends on how you behave.

You going to wreck my furniture?

Well, maybe later. That depends on how well you behave.

I think we're going to get along just fine, Charles Gould.

I think you're right, Mr. Highsmith.

Peter.

Yeah.

When I talk to you It's like I've known

you before Find myself wanting

To be with you more

and I I'm gonna take a man

On a magic carpet ride.

Oh.

Pictures?

Pictures? Oh, God.

Yes, sir, Mr. West.

Hard physical evidence of the X -rated variety, if you know what I mean.

All right, keep trailing her.

And, all right, I'll meet you tomorrow at the Mermaid's set at noon.

Oh.

Okay. Oh, Jamie.

Can it be true?

Guaranteed to that with 20 girls. If they don't have 20 girls, then they

air the show.

They don't air the show.

It's in the contract.

My head.

We need to find a replacement.

Fast. Who can we get?

Who can we get?

We're doomed.

Jamie.

Oh, I wanted you all alone.

But, Jamie, you have to. You have to do the show. If you don't go on, well, none

of us can go on. Yeah, we won't see ourselves on TV.

I can't. I mean, look.

No, I don't know. But we're all depending on you. Our careers are

you. Peter Highsmith is depending on you. Now, that's not fair.

I'll spare in love and bikini contest.

Come on.

You've got to do it.

Why not? I mean, my life's upside down anyway.

Might as well change everything.

to the judges

Girls, too?

Oh, this girl's insatiable.

And now,

without further ado, let me introduce you

to your MCs for the day, past mermaids of the year, Pinky Phillips!

a dental assistant, and a bungee jumping enthusiast. Please welcome Patty.

you again.

I don't suppose you'd listen to an explanation.

Hey!

Wait!

Stop! What are you doing to my detective?

Don't worry, Mr. West. It's just a temporary setback.

This man's been stalking women on the beach. You know him?

Yes, I know him.

Stalking people's his job.

I hired him to follow my fiancée. Well, it doesn't give him the right to invade

people's privacy.

It takes dirty pictures. That's our job.

Come on, Peeper.

Peeper, the evidence. What about the evidence?

It's all him, Mr. West.

And this beautiful evidence.

And if you could see your way clear to bailing me out of jail.

He's under her proportion.

It's not Jamie.

detectives, lawyers.

Time to do this one -on -one.

Okay, our next detective is from Galveston, Texas.

She's a legal secretary, and she has two of the seven wonders of the modern

world.

One more thing, you catch up. Just one more thing, okay?

I don't think so.

Jamie Tyler here?

Is Jamie Tyler back there?

Could be.

Oh, can I go see her?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, no, no, no.

But I'm her fiancé. I have to see her.

Come here for a second, buddy. Come here for a second.

You'll see her when everybody else does, okay? But look, she's not a contestant.

She's just a makeup artist. Okay, do me a favor. Will you step back for a

minute? Jamie Todd.

Jamie,

Jamie,

Jamie, Jamie Todd.

I'm not a contestant. I'm a makeup artist from Miami.

Oh, yeah.

She's supposed to be here, huh? Uh -huh. She's not here?

Yes, you can.

show to do, and you're on.

Our next contestant is Susie Smith. Jamie! Here she is. Welcome her.

Scotty, you must think I'm the most depraved, crazy idiot.

Wait. I don't know what you did, but I didn't help much by letting my lawyer

answer the phone.

I mean, I didn't even give you a chance to explain.

There must be a reasonable explanation.

Isn't there?

Well, there is, but I wouldn't believe it if I were you.

Oh, Jamie! Your friend! You were my fool!

You stole his job!

How could I?

Scotty, this is Hector, our director.

Hector, this is Scotty, my fiancé.

See, Scotty, it was all a stupid misunderstanding.

Hector wanted to see if I had the right body for the contest, and I said no, but

he peaked anyway.

So I got scared, and I ran off, and I tripped and fell, and he tried to help

up, and... Forget it, forget it.

I don't want to hear it. I mean, nothing happened. That's all that matters.

Will you ever forgive me for not listening?

Of course.

Congratulations, Mel.

And with all the money from winning,

I have all the time in the world to paint, and I already have galleries

me in.

There's still one more surprise.

Another surprise?

Mm -hmm.

Well, what is it?

A bee?

To a little house south east of them. Probably get washed away with the next

herd.

A beach house?

Down by the equator you'll find romance and adventure.

Nights are as steamy and hot as the salt.

So they serve their white sandy beaches caressed by the tropical

freezes.

Hills and bikinis walk by and they smile just to tease us.

Music will throb like a heartbeat when night comes alive.

Rhythms will sizzle all night when the stars dance in the sky.