Original subtitles

Previously on According to Jim... We got a free trip to Vegas!

I've been keeping in touch with Jim's sister, Roxanne.

Yeah, I've been trying and trying to figure out a way to get them talking

Well, a year ago, she moved to Vegas.

Roxanne is not good.

You've seen how she uses people. She doesn't even think twice about it. I

I know it's been that way in the past. People do change.

My sister does not change. Oh, really? You know that guy Rick? He's out of her

life. She said that the last time. She always says that. Then the guy running

the Tilt -A -Roll takes off his shirt and she falls in love all over again.

When are you going to start at the salon?

Well, soon, I hope.

Just got to raise $2 ,000.

Somehow.

Roxanne. Roxanne.

What are you doing here?

I thought you didn't have the money to do this.

I got the money for my new boyfriend.

butter muffin

anything

else oh no thanks

Vicki I'm stuffed and you call yourself Elvis

Lost in the eyes of Siegfried and Roy's white tigers.

Get lost in their closet, too?

What's with the clothes? Oh, I went on a little shopping spree with my new

girlfriend, Roxanne.

Oh.

Yeah, Andy, I got to talk to you. Oh, Jim, I know what you're going to say,

don't worry.

The Andy man can handle himself.

You got to dump her.

What? Andy, she is trouble.

Honest to God, I know you think you know her, but you don't.

She will chew you up and spit you out.

She's done it to me all my life, and if she's done it to me, can you imagine

what she can do to a guy like you?

What kind of guy is that, Jim?

You know, nice, sweet, simple.

Are you calling me a patsy?

No, not at all. Yes, a patsy. Oh, really?

Okay, well, that's it. Thanks a million for your great advice, but I don't need

it. I'm just trying to save you a little grief here. Believe me, there's going

to be a ton of grief. Okay, well, why don't you just stay out of it, fathead?

Fathead? Where did that come from? From the patsy, fathead.

Huh? Yeah, look, I'm an adult, and I can take care of myself. If I want to give

my money to some Las Vegas hairdresser who I just met yesterday, I will. Good

day, sir.

Do I have a fat head?

Well, yeah, kind of.

I guess you're right.

Hey, honey.

I have a taste for something extravagant tonight.

No further?

What? Oh.

I got them from my room.

Now, save the bottles, put water in them, put the caps on them, put them

the honor bar.

Whoa!

Oh, great.

Candy's not coming.

Welcome to Las Vegas.

What? I paid for this. I get the stare.

Honey, I can't stop thinking about Andy.

Where is he? Oh, Andy, Andy.

That's it. Call him.

Now? Yes.

Can't we wait till 9 o 'clock when my minutes are free?

Call him.

All right.

You know, when you pick a cell phone plan, you really should pick...

We just got to go now.

It looks like we have a volunteer.

Oh, no, I got to go.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Please let me, please let me, please let me go.

now pronounce you husband and wife.

You make it surprise.

Give me some of that.

There's a picture that's going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Right back at you.

So what do we call them now?

How about blood -sucking leech and dim -witted patsy?

Jim? What?

Hey, who wants to go look at the fishies in that aquarium over there?

Why?

Because one of them talk?

Roxanne's turned her life around, remember?

She's changed.

She's good now.

Right. Are you through?

Almost. I thought you loved Roxanne.

Yeah.

She's fine.

It's just, I just always thought, you know, Andy would end up with someone...

Better?

Doesn't anyone understand what has happened here?

No offense, Dana.

Where's my sister?

You mean my wife?

She's sleeping in.

Had her up pretty late last night.

We were kind of busy.

Because we were... All right, all right.

What he's trying to say is, um, what the hell is the matter with you?

Nothing's wrong with me. I'm in love.

He's just rebelling. Like when Dad summoned Fat Camp and he came back 20

heavier.

I've had a growth spurt. Out?

You know what? When we want the hopelessly single person's perspective,

let you know.

Look at the fishies.

Fishies. This really hurts.

I got married last night. Now, one of you has said congratulations.

I thought you'd be happy for me.

Andy.

We just don't think you should jump into something this big this quickly.

Yeah, I mean, do you know how long it took Cheryl to be sure about me?

Yeah, to be honest, I'm still figuring things out. Exactly.

Exactly. And what, you've known Roxanne for what, a day?

I feel like I've known her forever.

Oh, Roxanne, she's funny and she's down to earth and doesn't care what people

think about her.

Actually, actually, she's a lot like you, Jim.

It's like having a best friend I can sleep with.

Well, I've never been so moved and creeped out at the same time.

Look, I've made my decision, okay?

Roxanne is my wife. Now, you two need to decide if you want to be in or out of

our lives.

Does that sound like a patsy to you?

Hell no.

Thanks, King.

Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy, honey, stop.

Of course we don't want you out of our lives.

Jim, tell him.

Yeah.

I guess.

I mean, if it's something that you really, really want, we're okay with it.

Really? Double brother -in -law.

And after that, you know, sleeping with your best friend thing, let's keep our

distance, okay?

Come on in. I'm almost ready.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

I brought you a little wedding gift.

A plunger?

Don't you get it?

You know, you're taking the plunge.

Yeah, looks like you guys are going on a honeymoon.

Oh.

Yeah. Does it look like that?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's what we're doing.

Where are you going?

Somewhere nice.

You know, warm.

You know, maybe Canada.

Jim, I've got to finish packing.

Andy's going to be here any minute.

Oh. Well, that's kind of weird because he's...

You're supposed to do a demonstration with me this afternoon.

Oh, well, I was going to go first, and then he's going to meet me.

Oh, didn't you just say he's going to pick you up?

Oh, hey, we had a couple of plans. I don't know which one we really landed

What's going on here, I said?

Is that Rick out there?

I don't know. You think I know everybody that honks their horn in this town?

You're dumping Andy, aren't you?

I wouldn't call it dumping.

I'm just leaving with another guy.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. As soon as I let my guard down, you'd slip back

to who you are, and you'd run off with some loser.

Hey, Rick is not a loser.

Why did you marry Andy in the first place?

I was kind of drunk.

Then he won me that teddy bear, and then we had a really big steak.

It just felt right.

He thinks you guys are going to spend the rest of your lives together.

Hey, look, this isn't my fault. You don't know the whole story.

I didn't want to be with Rick, but then he called me, and then I did.

That's not a story.

Oh, come on.

You know what? I got to go.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're not going anywhere until you tell Andy exactly what you're doing.

Could you tell him?

Because we're not really that close.

You're his wife.

Well, I guess he'll find out when he comes home for dinner tonight.

But come on, I'll send you a postcard. No, no, no, no, no.

No postcards, no phone calls. I don't want anything from you. In the future,

stay away from me and you stay away from my family.

Well, if that's what you want. That's what I want.

But could I borrow 50 bucks, you know, for gas and smokes on the way? Forget

Oh, come on, Jimmy.

I'm family.

How about 20?

Oh, God.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Get on. I'll pay you back. Yeah, yeah, I know. When you get settled, I know. I

know. Well,

bye.

What are you going to tell Andy? I don't know. We've got to get through this

demonstration first, and then I'll talk to him.

I'll take him to a nudie bar or something. What?

Well, I didn't give him a bachelor party. Oh.

Hey. Is Andy here yet? No.

Oh, I can't believe this.

I always thought I'd be the first one to get divorced.

Eh, don't feel bad.

It'll probably happen a couple times for you. Oh.

You read the script? Yeah. You ready for the show? Are you ready? Well, I just

read what you want me to say, and I have a problem with the line, this foam

installation is as easy as I am.

But it's a metaphor.

You know, we're personifying the foam to make it more appealing to the buyers.

Right.

Okay, then explain why I'm jumping on a mini trampoline in a wet T -shirt.

Oh, that?

Well, that's just pure showmanship.

Actors.

Thanks, Cheryl. Andy!

Hey, man, where have you been? We got two minutes before we go on. I know, I

know. I was picking out a ring for Roxanne, but I couldn't make up my mind.

Evan.

Andy, honey, you really don't want to buy a ring right now. Why not?

What?

No reason.

Break a leg.

What's wrong with her?

You know, Cheryl, it's either hormones or...

The fact that Roxanne ran off with her old boyfriend.

Hi, I'm Bambi, your Fabu foam girl.

And let me tell you, this foam insulation is as easy as I am.

Andy, I am so sorry.

Look, it's not you.

You're a great guy.

She's not worth it. Yeah, no, you're right.

Look, you don't have to do this thing if you're not up for it. It's okay, I'm

fine, I'm fine.

The show must go on, right?

All right.

Sour, sour, I feel dirty.

Okay, here we go.

Hi, I'm Jim.

I'm here to tell you about a fantastic new product called...

Fabufoam insulation.

Bring back the chick.

Yeah!

Okay, gentlemen, what do you say we take a trip?

Take a trip into my house.

My house is like any house in your neighborhood.

Well, I wonder who that can be.

Come in.

Hello, homeowner.

I'm your Fabufoam man.

Oh, hi.

Word on the street is you're roasting in the summer.

Freezing in the winter.

Andy, Andy, stay with me here. Stay with me.

Wouldn't it be better to be comfortable all year round?

Well, sure it would be.

But how can a working stiff like me afford that?

What, with the fat cats getting rich in Washington?

It's easy.

You're a damn liar.

Am I? Or am I an angel sent from heaven?

Insulation heaven.

Allow me to give you a demonstration.

I'd like to see that, wouldn't you?

Yeah. Thank you, Fabufo Man.

Do your speech.

I, uh... Do your speech!

I'm trying, Jim, I just, I can't. All right, I'll do it. Yes, I agree, Fabufo

Man. Just for pennies per square inch, why, you're... insulation fill every

and crevice of my home with warm and toasty protection.

Take that, Mother Nature!

New insulation?

Fabufoam really does fill every nook and crumb.

It may be uncomfortable, but I am fearful.

Look at that.

Wishing fountain.

What a racket. Come on, man. I don't know. It's a racket.

I threw a coin in the fountain today wishing for an evening alone with you,

here we are.

Yeah. Yeah.

It was a penny, though, right? You didn't throw any silver.

You look so good.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Hey, how you doing?

Me? I'm all right. Yeah?

Yeah, I mean, I wish things would have worked out with Roxanne, but they

The end.

I'm so sorry.

I really thought I was doing the right thing.

I guess some people really don't change.

Well, you'd think you would have learned that after all the years living with

me.

I will never try to change anybody ever again.

Yeah, you will. Yes.

And you won't change.

Hey, do you think Andy's going to be okay?

No, he's a little busted up.

Yeah. It'll take a while.

You know, Damon took him out tonight. Maybe she'll cheer him up. Yeah.

These were fun.

I really thought she was the one.

think about her? What did you believe?

You loved it.

I don't know, Dana.

I need to go back to my room.

It's just too soon.

It looks like we have a problem.