All language subtitles for According To Jim S02e28 Vegas, Baby (2)

Previously on According to Jim... We got
a free trip to Vegas!

I've been keeping in touch with Jim's
sister, Roxanne.

Yeah, I've been trying and trying to
figure out a way to get them talking

Well, a year ago, she moved to Vegas.

Roxanne is not good.

You've seen how she uses people. She
doesn't even think twice about it. I

I know it's been that way in the past.
People do change.

My sister does not change. Oh, really?
You know that guy Rick? He's out of her

life. She said that the last time. She
always says that. Then the guy running

the Tilt -A -Roll takes off his shirt
and she falls in love all over again.

When are you going to start at the
salon?

Well, soon, I hope.

Just got to raise $2 ,000.

Somehow.

Roxanne. Roxanne.

What are you doing here?

I thought you didn't have the money to
do this.

I got the money for my new boyfriend.

butter muffin

anything

else oh no thanks

Vicki I'm stuffed and you call yourself
Elvis

Lost in the eyes of Siegfried and Roy's
white tigers.

Get lost in their closet, too?

What's with the clothes? Oh, I went on a
little shopping spree with my new

girlfriend, Roxanne.

Oh.

Yeah, Andy, I got to talk to you. Oh,
Jim, I know what you're going to say,

don't worry.

The Andy man can handle himself.

You got to dump her.

What? Andy, she is trouble.

Honest to God, I know you think you know
her, but you don't.

She will chew you up and spit you out.

She's done it to me all my life, and if
she's done it to me, can you imagine

what she can do to a guy like you?

What kind of guy is that, Jim?

You know, nice, sweet, simple.

Are you calling me a patsy?

No, not at all. Yes, a patsy. Oh,
really?

Okay, well, that's it. Thanks a million
for your great advice, but I don't need

it. I'm just trying to save you a little
grief here. Believe me, there's going

to be a ton of grief. Okay, well, why
don't you just stay out of it, fathead?

Fathead? Where did that come from? From
the patsy, fathead.

Huh? Yeah, look, I'm an adult, and I can
take care of myself. If I want to give

my money to some Las Vegas hairdresser
who I just met yesterday, I will. Good

day, sir.

Do I have a fat head?

Well, yeah, kind of.

I guess you're right.

Hey, honey.

I have a taste for something extravagant
tonight.

No further?

What? Oh.

I got them from my room.

Now, save the bottles, put water in
them, put the caps on them, put them

the honor bar.

Whoa!

Oh, great.

Candy's not coming.

Welcome to Las Vegas.

What? I paid for this. I get the stare.

Honey, I can't stop thinking about Andy.

Where is he? Oh, Andy, Andy.

That's it. Call him.

Now? Yes.

Can't we wait till 9 o 'clock when my
minutes are free?

Call him.

All right.

You know, when you pick a cell phone
plan, you really should pick...

We just got to go now.

It looks like we have a volunteer.

Oh, no, I got to go.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no.

Please let me, please let me, please let
me go.

now pronounce you husband and wife.

You make it surprise.

Give me some of that.

There's a picture that's going to haunt
me for the rest of my life.

Right back at you.

So what do we call them now?

How about blood -sucking leech and dim
-witted patsy?

Jim? What?

Hey, who wants to go look at the fishies
in that aquarium over there?

Why?

Because one of them talk?

Roxanne's turned her life around,
remember?

She's changed.

She's good now.

Right. Are you through?

Almost. I thought you loved Roxanne.

Yeah.

She's fine.

It's just, I just always thought, you
know, Andy would end up with someone...

Better?

Doesn't anyone understand what has
happened here?

No offense, Dana.

Where's my sister?

You mean my wife?

She's sleeping in.

Had her up pretty late last night.

We were kind of busy.

Because we were... All right, all right.

What he's trying to say is, um, what the
hell is the matter with you?

Nothing's wrong with me. I'm in love.

He's just rebelling. Like when Dad
summoned Fat Camp and he came back 20

heavier.

I've had a growth spurt. Out?

You know what? When we want the
hopelessly single person's perspective,

let you know.

Look at the fishies.

Fishies. This really hurts.

I got married last night. Now, one of
you has said congratulations.

I thought you'd be happy for me.

Andy.

We just don't think you should jump into
something this big this quickly.

Yeah, I mean, do you know how long it
took Cheryl to be sure about me?

Yeah, to be honest, I'm still figuring
things out. Exactly.

Exactly. And what, you've known Roxanne
for what, a day?

I feel like I've known her forever.

Oh, Roxanne, she's funny and she's down
to earth and doesn't care what people

think about her.

Actually, actually, she's a lot like
you, Jim.

It's like having a best friend I can
sleep with.

Well, I've never been so moved and
creeped out at the same time.

Look, I've made my decision, okay?

Roxanne is my wife. Now, you two need to
decide if you want to be in or out of

our lives.

Does that sound like a patsy to you?

Hell no.

Thanks, King.

Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy, honey, stop.

Of course we don't want you out of our
lives.

Jim, tell him.

Yeah.

I guess.

I mean, if it's something that you
really, really want, we're okay with it.

Really? Double brother -in -law.

And after that, you know, sleeping with
your best friend thing, let's keep our

distance, okay?

Come on in. I'm almost ready.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

I brought you a little wedding gift.

A plunger?

Don't you get it?

You know, you're taking the plunge.

Yeah, looks like you guys are going on a
honeymoon.

Oh.

Yeah. Does it look like that?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's what we're doing.

Where are you going?

Somewhere nice.

You know, warm.

You know, maybe Canada.

Jim, I've got to finish packing.

Andy's going to be here any minute.

Oh. Well, that's kind of weird because
he's...

You're supposed to do a demonstration
with me this afternoon.

Oh, well, I was going to go first, and
then he's going to meet me.

Oh, didn't you just say he's going to
pick you up?

Oh, hey, we had a couple of plans. I
don't know which one we really landed

What's going on here, I said?

Is that Rick out there?

I don't know. You think I know everybody
that honks their horn in this town?

You're dumping Andy, aren't you?

I wouldn't call it dumping.

I'm just leaving with another guy.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. As soon
as I let my guard down, you'd slip back

to who you are, and you'd run off with
some loser.

Hey, Rick is not a loser.

Why did you marry Andy in the first
place?

I was kind of drunk.

Then he won me that teddy bear, and then
we had a really big steak.

It just felt right.

He thinks you guys are going to spend
the rest of your lives together.

Hey, look, this isn't my fault. You
don't know the whole story.

I didn't want to be with Rick, but then
he called me, and then I did.

That's not a story.

Oh, come on.

You know what? I got to go.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're not going anywhere until you tell
Andy exactly what you're doing.

Could you tell him?

Because we're not really that close.

You're his wife.

Well, I guess he'll find out when he
comes home for dinner tonight.

But come on, I'll send you a postcard.
No, no, no, no, no.

No postcards, no phone calls. I don't
want anything from you. In the future,

stay away from me and you stay away from
my family.

Well, if that's what you want. That's
what I want.

But could I borrow 50 bucks, you know,
for gas and smokes on the way? Forget

Oh, come on, Jimmy.

I'm family.

How about 20?

Oh, God.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Get on. I'll pay you back. Yeah, yeah, I
know. When you get settled, I know. I

know. Well,

bye.

What are you going to tell Andy? I don't
know. We've got to get through this

demonstration first, and then I'll talk
to him.

I'll take him to a nudie bar or
something. What?

Well, I didn't give him a bachelor
party. Oh.

Hey. Is Andy here yet? No.

Oh, I can't believe this.

I always thought I'd be the first one to
get divorced.

Eh, don't feel bad.

It'll probably happen a couple times for
you. Oh.

You read the script? Yeah. You ready for
the show? Are you ready? Well, I just

read what you want me to say, and I have
a problem with the line, this foam

installation is as easy as I am.

But it's a metaphor.

You know, we're personifying the foam to
make it more appealing to the buyers.

Right.

Okay, then explain why I'm jumping on a
mini trampoline in a wet T -shirt.

Oh, that?

Well, that's just pure showmanship.

Actors.

Thanks, Cheryl. Andy!

Hey, man, where have you been? We got
two minutes before we go on. I know, I

know. I was picking out a ring for
Roxanne, but I couldn't make up my mind.

Evan.

Andy, honey, you really don't want to
buy a ring right now. Why not?

What?

No reason.

Break a leg.

What's wrong with her?

You know, Cheryl, it's either hormones
or...

The fact that Roxanne ran off with her
old boyfriend.

Hi, I'm Bambi, your Fabu foam girl.

And let me tell you, this foam
insulation is as easy as I am.

Andy, I am so sorry.

Look, it's not you.

You're a great guy.

She's not worth it. Yeah, no, you're
right.

Look, you don't have to do this thing if
you're not up for it. It's okay, I'm

fine, I'm fine.

The show must go on, right?

All right.

Sour, sour, I feel dirty.

Okay, here we go.

Hi, I'm Jim.

I'm here to tell you about a fantastic
new product called...

Fabufoam insulation.

Bring back the chick.

Yeah!

Okay, gentlemen, what do you say we take
a trip?

Take a trip into my house.

My house is like any house in your
neighborhood.

Well, I wonder who that can be.

Come in.

Hello, homeowner.

I'm your Fabufoam man.

Oh, hi.

Word on the street is you're roasting in
the summer.

Freezing in the winter.

Andy, Andy, stay with me here. Stay with
me.

Wouldn't it be better to be comfortable
all year round?

Well, sure it would be.

But how can a working stiff like me
afford that?

What, with the fat cats getting rich in
Washington?

It's easy.

You're a damn liar.

Am I? Or am I an angel sent from heaven?

Insulation heaven.

Allow me to give you a demonstration.

I'd like to see that, wouldn't you?

Yeah. Thank you, Fabufo Man.

Do your speech.

I, uh... Do your speech!

I'm trying, Jim, I just, I can't. All
right, I'll do it. Yes, I agree, Fabufo

Man. Just for pennies per square inch,
why, you're... insulation fill every

and crevice of my home with warm and
toasty protection.

Take that, Mother Nature!

New insulation?

Fabufoam really does fill every nook and
crumb.

It may be uncomfortable, but I am
fearful.

Look at that.

Wishing fountain.

What a racket. Come on, man. I don't
know. It's a racket.

I threw a coin in the fountain today
wishing for an evening alone with you,

here we are.

Yeah. Yeah.

It was a penny, though, right? You
didn't throw any silver.

You look so good.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Hey, how you doing?

Me? I'm all right. Yeah?

Yeah, I mean, I wish things would have
worked out with Roxanne, but they

The end.

I'm so sorry.

I really thought I was doing the right
thing.

I guess some people really don't change.

Well, you'd think you would have learned
that after all the years living with

me.

I will never try to change anybody ever
again.

Yeah, you will. Yes.

And you won't change.

Hey, do you think Andy's going to be
okay?

No, he's a little busted up.

Yeah. It'll take a while.

You know, Damon took him out tonight.
Maybe she'll cheer him up. Yeah.

These were fun.

I really thought she was the one.

think about her? What did you believe?

You loved it.

I don't know, Dana.

I need to go back to my room.

It's just too soon.

It looks like we have a problem.