All language subtitles for According To Jim S02e24 No Harm, No Fowl

He's next door. Oh, okay.

Act natural.

Oh, hey, ladies.

Hey, Bob.

Yeah, is it Tuesday already?

Oh, shoot, it looks like we're out of
water. Would you be a dear and replace

that for me? Sure thing.

See you next week. Uh -huh.

Good morning.

an ugly ball day in the game was.

It's a beautiful day. Why don't you guys
play outside?

You know, why can't we tell you to go
play outside? Because you know she'll

never come back.

Jim, you really should come out here.
Oh, you can almost taste the sunshine.

Yeah, I'm going to go to her.

What?

What happened?

What is this?

It's a bird.

We had to stitch two baseball hats
together.

You think maybe someone could get me an
ice bandage, a family who loves me?

I'll get you some ice.

Come on.

Wake up, wake up.

Daddy, do something.

Oh, honey, all right. Well, it's too big
to flush.

Cheryl, get a shovel.

What? Come on, the bird is dead. What do
you want me to harvest the organs?

A little more sensitive.

I'm being sensitive.

It's moving.

Look.

It's alive.

I saved her.

I'm going to name her Daphne. I'm going
to get her a cage. I'm going to feed

her. I'm going to play dress up with
her.

Honey, honey, honey.

This is somebody else's pet. We cannot
keep the bird.

And I'll go to the park and I'll burn it
up.

Sweetie, sweetie.

Whoever lost her must be very sad.

Don't you think we should help him get
her back?

No.

Gracie, I'm telling you right now, if
that bird stays, I go.

Bye.

What am I supposed to do, Jim? She
called my blog. I guess it's goodbye.

You're not keeping that bird. We're
going to make flyers, and you're going

put them up.

Why don't we put the first flyer in
Annie's big fat head?

My head's not that big. Oh, yeah?
Charlie Brown would make fun of that

Took me 11 years to train, Jim. I'm not
doing it for you.

Cheryl.

Where's the fashion section?

Right there.

And there. And there.

I hate that bird.

I don't like the way it looks at my
hair. You know, like it wants to move

Tell me about it. Chewed a hole in the
couch and ripped open a pillow?

Thank God you don't have nice things.

Yeah. Good news!

Some woman just called. She saw the
flyer. She sent her husband right over

now. Oh, thank you.

Gracie! Come down here!

So, how do you think we should play this
with her?

I don't know. How about if you love
something, set it free?

And then, you know, if it comes back,
it's yours forever.

That's interesting.

It's a load of crap.

You know what? It just might work with
Gracie. Yeah, yeah. Good thing she's not

the smart one.

We found Daphne's mommy and daddy and
they're coming to get her.

No, she loves me. She wants to stay here
with us.

Gracie, if you love something, set it
free.

That's crap. I want my bird.

Sweetie, we all love Daphne and we wish
she could stay. And also, we don't use

that word.

Crap?

Well, only daddy uses it.

Honey, we'd really like you to keep...

Daphne, but, you know, the real owners
might want it back.

Sweet, how sweet. What a sweet angel.

A squawking, terrifying angel.

So, sweetheart, are you going to be a
good girl and let the nice man take his

bird? No.

Don't you want to do the right thing?

No.

Do you want to have candy ever again?

Yes.

I'm Sean Curran. My wife sent me over to
take a look at the bird. Yes, yes. We

are so happy that you came. There's your
bird right there. Right there.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

That's not my bird. What?

No, no, no.

That's your bird. I know.

It's got to be your bird.

It's the same bird Jim threw on the
slide. Look.

Now we know why no one called about the
dog.

That's not my bird. Our bird is
different. How is it different?

It's not this one. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Come on.

Come on, you've got to take this bird.

I'll make it worth your while.

You like pickles?

Pickles?

That was my first offer. I was waiting
for a counter.

You said I can keep her, right, Daddy?
You said I can keep her. Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

I said only if we didn't find the real
owners.

But there's someone else coming.

There is? There is.

Yes, this afternoon.

And if it's not their bird, you can keep
Daphne forever.

Yay!

I don't know. I'll tell you when I think
of it.

I think we should go up there and help
her.

I'm not going up there.

Yeah, her hair grows fast.

That must be Daphne's long -lost owner.

I mean, I don't think I can go through
with this. I mean, we're lying to our

daughter. We already lied to her.

Everybody knows you can't fix a lie with
the truth.

Yeah, but I mean, those are little white
lies, like a great big green hairy one.

Fine, I'll go tell them to forget it.

Save it, Kenny. All right, Gracie!

Daphne's daddy's here!

Honey? Honey?

You got Kenny from work?

Yeah, so what? Isn't he a little dim?

No, he's a genius. I pay eight bucks an
hour to clean up.

Hi, honey!

Hi! Hello there.

I'm here for... Yeah, yeah, the bird,
the bird, the bird. This one here. See?

That's her.

Yes, look!

Great.

Well, perhaps a kiss from the missus and
I'll be on my way.

Cheryl. That's my mom's name.

Oh, I call her Gracie.

That's my name.

You don't know your own bird's name?

Yeah, I got a lot on my plate.

Well, stranger, don't you think it's
time you should move on?

With your bird?

Oh, wow.

Jim, you didn't tell me how to beak.

I thought that was implied when I said
it was a bird.

It's written on his shirt. Yeah.

That's a Chicago bear.

She can read? Yes. Oh, man, that's it.
Game over, Jim.

Easy, easy, easy. I knew it wasn't your
bird.

You're a big liar.

All liars. I hate you.

So how'd I do?

Okay, sweetie, let Mommy in.

No!

All right, Ruby, open the door.

I'm in here. I don't like that bird.

Does she like it?

Yeah. Oh, Jim, we shouldn't have done
that. Now she's never going to trust us

again. Yeah, well, hindsight's always 24
-7.

Look, I think you should take the fall
for this one.

What? Come on, I've been the bad guy the
last four times.

You were the bad guy the last four
times.

Well, would a bad guy know how to pick a
lock?

Yeah.

Look at her.

That little bird.

She looks like a tiny little bomb
villain.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, honey, we are so sorry.

It's just that that bird was driving us
all crazy.

But you lied.

Yeah, Sonny.

Sometimes parents do that because the
truth is just harder and it takes more

time.

Yeah, and sometimes mommies and daddies
make mistakes and lying to you is a big

one. Big. Really?

Yes.

So is Grandpa really sleeping?

No. No.

Is Thunder really angels bowling?

could think about is giant sandwiches.

Yeah, that would never happen in real
life.

She's gone. That means gone.

What? I went upstairs to get Daphne, and
the window was open, and she's gone.

You did it. You opened the window. You
hate her.

I did not do that, honey. I swear.

Stacy.

Cheryl. What?

Leaving the window open? You didn't
think she'd get that?

If I wanted that bird gone, it'd be deep
fried by now.

Besides, I seem to remember Dana leaving
windows open before.

Dana? Oh, come on, you guys. It's
obvious.

This has a stink of jam all over it.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Accusing

accuser? I invented that. You know it
was you, Dana. You know it.

All right, all right. Stop it. Stop it.

We're turning on each other.

Cheryl's right.

Don't you see it, guys? Don't you see
it?

This is exactly what Gracie wants.

Split us up so she can take us out one
at a time.

I want to go look for Daphne. All right,
honey, we'll just be back by dinner.

Sweetie, maybe Daphne went to the park.
Why don't you and Daddy go look

together? Come on, Daddy, hurry!

All right, all right, sweetie, I'm right
behind you.

Andy, Andy, come on, you're coming with
me. Why do I have to go?

This is a complete waste of time. You
know we'll never find that bird.

Andy, I went bar hopping with you
knowing full well you wouldn't find a

A fluffy cloud of cotton candy?

No, college kids playing frisbee. Dude,
hit me high!

Right in my bird lump.

Daphne! Daphne!

Daphne! Where is she, Daddy?

Oh, Gracie, I don't know.

Come here, baby.

Come over here. You know what?

We've been looking for a whole hour.

I don't think Daphne's here.

I mean, for all we know, she could be in
Mexico right now.

Mexico? Oh, yeah. Birds love Mexico.

It's sunny and warm. I got peanut butter
and waterfalls and birdseed beaches.

Okay, that's not quite the truth.

But if she's there, and I think she is,
I'm sure she's having a good time.

What do you say we go home?

Yeah. All right.

What?

B -I -R -D -A -T -C -I -X -O -C -L -O -C
-K.

You want to have sex with a clock?

Hey, Gracie, why don't you count the
grass between here and the rock, and

give you a nickel.

Moments away from a clean getaway. I
hate that bird.

I got an idea. Okay, all I need is three
dryer sheets, a gallon of chocolate

milk, and a beekeeper's hat.

What do you say we just walk this way
and maybe Gracie will follow us?

I'm trying to think inside the box,
sure.

Wait.

What?

I can't lie to Gracie. What?

I can't go.

Tim, you're going to be stuck with that
bird forever. They live longer than

people, you know. I know.

But look at her.

I can't hurt her. Give this to my
daughter.

Yeah.

Man, I hope one day I'm as good a dad as
you are.

I was afraid that was going to be next.

I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying. It's been a
long time since I've climbed a tree.

Sober.

Hi. Hey, Bertie.

Okay.

Okay, take it easy now.

That's it, help me.

Okay.

Come here.

Nice and easy.

Come on. Come here, you stupid little
bird.

Come on. Come over here for a minute.

We're dancing.

I love you. Let's go home.

I'm just going to miss the Chicago
Marathon again this year.

Well, I'm not doing it alone, so I guess
I'm out too.

You guys have the worst luck with that.

All right, Jim, here's your ice pack.

Oh, can you put it under my tailbone?

Yeah, life's too short.

Why couldn't a kitty have flown into
your head? I like... Ow!

Go get yourself. You're losing it. We're
playing right into Gracie's hand. Oh,

get off it.

Look, Gracie's happy.

If she gets bored of the bird and the
wig, then Danny can open the window

I told you it wasn't me.

Well, somebody opened the window. It
didn't just open itself.

I hate that bird.

I'd yell at her, but my heart wouldn't
be in it.

Hello?

Yeah. I'm Ginger Curran, and I believe
you met my husband, Sean.

Oh, yes. Hi. You still have that bird?

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

Great. Gracie, would you bring Daphne
down, please?

Oh, I thought it wasn't your bird.

I know, I know. Well, I think about
spending $2 ,000 on another bird, so

where's the bird?

Gracie?

Georgie!

That's my Georgie.

But it's not Georgie.

It's Daphne. Oh, sweetie, come here.

Come here. Oh, honey.

I know you took really good care of that
bird. Oh, my little Georgie.

I'll never let you out of my sight
again.

Do I have to give her back?

Yes.

Yeah. Mommy, can I say goodbye to
Daphne?

Oh, sure, sweetie.

Bird's in a tree. Will you come out
here?

Take that bird in.

Hey. Hey.

What's up?

Bird's gone again. No.

Seen it? No.

Come to think of it, I haven't seen
Gracie in a few days either.

I grew up stupid.