All language subtitles for According To Jim S02e06 Punch & Ruby

Hello. Hello.

I'm a Swedish stewardess who is, uh,
lost and dirty.

Can you bathe me and tell me all about
your American football, huh?

Yes.

I just have to ask my... Cheryl?

It's okay.

Really?

You deserve it. Come.

I'm very, very dirty.

go over this one more time because it's
very crucial kyle stop playing with your

food now just don't stick it up your
nose all right okay girls

who's taking you to your first bears
packer monday night football game the

greatest daddy in the world that's right
and what is this more important than

when Kyle can talk, right? Right. We're
the best, baby.

What's in the dryer?

Oh, that's my lucky game day jersey.

I like it toasty and warm.

Because when I put it on, I feel like
I'm getting a hug from the whole team at

once.

Oh.

Oh, honey.

You put my jeans in the dryer.

Oh, man, I can barely put my big butt in
them as it is.

Joe, your butt isn't big.

Oh, come on. Are you kidding? Look at
it.

even before you compared it to hams.

Just please don't put them in the dryer
anymore, okay?

I have a mind to stop doing housework
altogether.

All right, girls, get your jackets on.

Hey!

Dana, will you tell your sister her ass
isn't big?

But you are big, Jim.

How do you guys get at these football
games? So, if you could please watch

language in front of the girls.

Ooh, muzzle getting a little tight,
milady.

All right, Andy, you too.

But, Cheryl, I'm street.

Street's about keeping it real.

Hey, Andy, I'm putting in these juice
boxes you like. Oh, goody.

You know, Cheryl, I'm going to try not
to curse, but by that time of the game,

I'll be so drunk.

with a girl?

Okay, girls, let's go kick some gosh
darn

Packer taster.

It's just not the same one.

Just try to set a good example. A good
example? The man eats in the john.

Excuse me for being efficient.

Honey, they're right out in the field
right there.

They're not bears.

They're the bears.

They're not eating honey.

Oh, come on! Where's the defense?

Ah, you bunch of... Who we had?

First down!

Bears! Daddy,

he says that's worse.

I know, honey. He's a Packer fan.

He can't help himself.

Saw that cheese they eat. It backs up
their system. They get really weird.

The bears are a bunch of damn bugs!

Hey, shut up, cheese head!

Now, just watch your mouth, huh?

I got my little girls here, okay?

Yeah, okay, whatever.

Hey, old locker!

You suck!

That's it, that's it. Yeah, whoa, snake,
you're on parole.

You don't want to end up back in the
joint.

Oh, so sorry. I didn't mean to insult
your precious girl, locker!

You can't walk into my stadium and talk
like that. Oh, yeah, because this is

your stadium. You've got that right.

Oh, because I didn't happen to see the
sign out front that said, Welcome to Big

Jacket!

to get the girls some cotton candy
because they love it so much and I'm

great dad, you know?

And then I noticed that they were kind
of cold and tired, and so I thought, why

push it, you know, because I'm a great
dad.

Okay.

Girls, did you have a good time?

You know what?

They lost their voices cheering for the
bears.

You know what?

Right now, they're kind of in a daddy
place.

You know, from the bonding at the game
and because I'm such a great... Great

dad, yeah.

Picked up on that, too, didn't you?

Okay, girls, I'll be right up. Good
night, my pumpkin.

Night!

I snapped back so fast when they're that
age.

So, you left the game early?

Yes, you know, fatherhood first,
football fans second.

Man, you are looking pretty good in that
robe, baby.

Ew. Ow!

What are you doing? Oh, God.

What is... Ow! What is this?

Jill, can we please have some mystery in
this marriage?

Ow!

Look at the improvement.

The hair on my...

It was Mark Giangreco at the sports
desk. Mark? All right, Janet, thanks a

Well, I'll tell you, it was a low
-scoring game tonight between the

the Bears, but the real action was in
the stands.

Look at these two guys. They don't know
the meaning of the words, I'm out.

Should have had this guy down on the
field tonight.

Well,

at least someone's fighting for the
Bears.

Sign them to a 10 -day contract and see
if you can help out their defense.

I mean, am I watching a gladiator or
football?

Oh, let's see that in slow -mo.

And that's a 50 -yard penalty for
feeling the contact with styrofoam

Oh, that's got to hurt.

F -4 Packer fan is going to feel it in
the morning.

You know, all we need is a guy with a
chili hat.

That's me.

Jim, how can you get into a fight in
front of the girl?

Easy.

You were not there, Cheryl.

Okay, you don't know what happened.

I'm done. I'm done. Okay, okay. No, no,
honey. Okay. You're judging me. Hey,

hey, hey. You're right. You're right. I
am right? You're right, honey. I don't

know what happened. That's right.

So why don't you tell me? What did he
do? Did he harass Dana? Did he threaten

the kid?

No, no.

No? Well, then what happened?

Call me a name.

He called you a name? A very hurtful
name.

What name?

Um, Fatty? No.

Baldy? No.

Jackass? It is not important!

The point is, is that that guy was trash
-talking in front of our little angels.

The little Ruby and the little blonde
one, Gracie.

I can't believe I was worried about you
swearing, and you ended up doing

something a hundred times worse.

But what if I happen to be a good
example?

I am a good example.

I don't smoke. I've never been in jail.
I look great in corduroy.

Oh, come on.

You just admitted you were wrong.

Please, please, Cheryl. I'm not going to
admit I was wrong. I was not wrong at

all. No, no, no. You weren't there.
You're really hurting my feelings right

I'm starting to get hurt. Hurt.

Hello. Oh, hey, Anthony. How you doing?

Yeah,

I really nailed him.

Well, thank you. Thanks for calling.
That was really nice of you.

Okay, bye -bye.

FYI, that was Anthony. He just saw it on
TV. He thinks I'm a hero.

Who's Anthony?

Anthony who was on my bullying team.

The one under house arrest?

Jim. What? Why couldn't you just call
security?

That's what civilized people do.

Honey, the football stadium is not
civilized.

It's ancient Rome.

It's where men act. the way men are
supposed to act.

Pushing and shoving and peeing in
troughs.

Well, thank you, honey. Thank you for
insisting on taking our little angels

there. Well, I got snow cones, too.

Well, hey, Andy.

Really?

Really? What channel?

Okay, okay. Guess what?

They got a name for me now.

Packersmacker.

That's just great. My friend Julia's
married to a surgeon. I'm married to the

Packersmacker.

Look here. Channel 2.

Packersmacker. Channel 7.

Packersmacker.

Channel 9.

Hostage situation.

I think it does to where girls may see
their daddy fighting. I think it shows

them that their dad is strong and will
protect them. No, no.

It shows them a role model who solves
problems with violence.

Where do your kids at?

What, do you think our kids are like
little sponges? They soak up everything

do? No, Jim. I think their teacher
taught them how to burp the alphabet.

And do they not read better?

You better change your attitude, baby.

If you want to be Mrs.

Packersmacker, it's got to change.

Yeah, yeah, Penny, I'll give him the
message.

Oh, well, he's a hero to me, too.

Yes, well, you know, he belongs to the
world now.

Yeah, yeah, I was being sarcastic.

Yeah, good ear.

Do you believe it?

Jim is a local hero.

Oh, it's going to go right to his head.

Yeah, it was bad enough when he got his
picture in the paper for riding that

pig. Ugh.

Look, I agree with you that Jim
shouldn't have fought in front of the

do you really think this is going to
permanently scar them?

Well, who knows?

Do you remember when Dad took us to see
The Exorcist?

I still have trouble going to bed
sometimes.

Well, of course you do. You sleep with
Jim.

Oh, all right.

That's it.

No more phone calls.

You know, you can just unplug those
things now.

Ladies, please direct your attention to
the man behind the front door.

Weighing in at a svelte, 190 pounds.

Sixth grade.

The pride of Chicago, the Packer
smacker, the man

they call...

Jim is a registered trademark of Jim.

You know, Cheryl, I know the world is
wrong and you are right, but if that's

true, what's with the cheese?

You should have seen him at work. Guys
were coming up, having him sign boxing

gloves and giving him cheese, you know,
because of the whole cheese head thing.

Yeah, I get it, I get it.

And I got a call from the Oval Office.

Yeah, I mean, not the real one. You
know, the gentleman's club off Ashland.

All right, fine.

Fine, Jim.

I'm wrong, and you and the rest of the
world are right.

Just hit whoever you want. Grab your
crotch. Curse like a sailor. Who cares?

It's just our kids.

You know what?

It is far more important for you to be
right than to be a good example.

Oh, come on, Cheryl.

Everybody's a winner.

Look, I fought that jerk. He went home a
hero.

I'm a hero. Nobody got hurt. And we got
enough cheese to get through the long,

cold Chicago winter.

Please, what's the big deal?

Mommy! Mommy!

What, baby?

Mommy, touch me in the face!

Oh, no, let me see.

Oh, honey, her nose is bleeding.

Oh, that's the big deal.

Come on, Gracie, let's get some boo -boo
cream for your ouchie. Yeah. Just don't

bleed on Auntie Dana's shirt. It's Dolce
& Gabbana.

Where are you going?

Don't take this the wrong way, but I
have to distance myself from you right

Hey. Hi, Daddy.

So, what happened?

She said I eat poop burgers.

Oh, Ruby.

Come on.

What are you doing here?

She made me mad, so I punched her. But
you can't do that, honey.

You did it, and everybody clapped.

That's totally different.

Why?

It's a very simple why, honey.

He's not my sister.

So I can punch somebody else? No, you
can't. Why?

Because you just can't. Why?

Okay, but this is the last why.

No matter how right you think you are,
you should never punch anybody.

Even if when you punch them, you think
that you were right

when you punched them.

You understand?

No.

Well, I'm a little confused by this
myself.

Let me, let me, let me, let me, let me.

Okay, here it is. You punched me.

Okay, did that feel good?

No. Okay.

Now, do you wish you hadn't done that?

Yeah. Okay, well, that's the reason
right there.

It's the reason why you should never
punch anybody.

Okay?

All right, then.

Now, you just sit here and do whatever
it is you do, you know, when Mom's

punishing you.

She makes me candy.

What am I, new here?

Yeah. You wish you hadn't punched that
guy.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey.

I just thought everybody would like to
know that Gracie is going to be okay.

Now, is there something you girls would
like to say to each other?

I'm sorry.

You don't eat poop burgers.

You want me to read to you?

Yeah.

And Bunny looked at his friend Turtle
and said, Have you seen my house?

No, I have not seen your house, said
Turtle.

Then can I stay at your house, asked
Bunny.

Cheryl, it's those damn violent
cartoons.

I mean, they got pigs hitting ducks and
rabbits without pants.

I mean, it's a recipe for mayhem.

Kids are watching us, trying to figure
out how to live their lives.

Okay, I get it.

I mean, you know, honey, I really try to
be aware of the message I'm sending. I

try to set a good example, and you know,
you should too.

Good example, yeah, yeah, okay.

All right, girls, dinner!

Good, we're done.

And you know, honey, if you ever find
yourself in a situation where you don't

know what to do, you know how that is.

I want you to go ahead and ask yourself,
what would Cheryl do?

And then you do that, okay?

Okay, okay, I'll do that.

Hey, girls, guess what?

We have a special treat for dessert.

Hot Fudge Sundaes! Yay!

I don't want any, Mommy.

Oh, baby, what's wrong? Does your nose
hurt when you chew?

No, my butt's too big.

What did you say, honey?

Look at it. It's like two hands.

Gracie, baby, that is not true.

You are perfect just the way you are.
You can eat whatever you want.

All right, girls. Now go wash your
hands.

Okay.

Okay.

Wait a minute, Cheryl.

Two hands.

Help me out here. I seem to recall
someone in this house saying the exact

thing.

Someone who sets a good example.

Jim. No, not me.

I think it was you.

You know what it is?

It's those damn fashion magazines.

They set such unrealistic standards.

You know, I'm going to go write a
letter.

Honey, honey, honey, honey. It's okay.
It's okay.

It happens.

But, you know, the next time you're in a
situation where you find you don't know

what to do, ask yourself, what would
Cheryl do?

And then don't do it.