Original subtitles

Hello, children. And now it's time for our story.

Oh, and this is a very good story. It's really hot and sexy.

You might want Mommy and Daddy to listen to this one, too.

It's called Beauty and the Beast.

No one understands us.

Maybe they don't try.

They never see the strength in us that keeps our love alive.

Whenever we're together.

Whenever we must part, the loving way you look at me comes

strictly from the heart.

I turn to you. You look away.

I forget what I had to say.

All I know is you're the one for me.

Oh, why do they say we were never?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Once upon a time, there was a poor village.

And in this village was a poor cottage.

And in the cottage lived a very poor man, Lyle Nottingham.

I'm not poor, I'm just... I'm between pictures.

Yeah, right.

Lyle Not -A -Penny was a peddler who often traveled to different realms to

his wares.

Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to

care for him.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Don't you think maybe the folks could just follow along on their own from here

on out? They could probably figure things out, okay?

Very well.

She drives me crazy.

Eliza, sweetheart, dearest.

It's your father. I'm preparing to go on my next journey.

Eliza?

Eliza?

What is it, father?

That's your father. I must flee.

Ignore him, little John.

I'm going to be going on my journey now. I thought I would check with you and

see if there's anything I might get you.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Uh, what is it?

Um, some jewels.

Um, some of that fine old wine.

Oh, and a big salami.

Uh, yes, dearest. If I can, I will. A little bit much, but I'll

try.

Good. A wrap.

Yes, dear.

Well, farewell, daughter.

Beauty, excuse me. I was going to just come and see you now.

I'm getting ready to go on my long journey.

I shall miss you, my father.

Well,

you know...

How much I love you and I'd really like to get you a special gift of some kind

and bring it back from the trip and things for a little bit. Yeah, yeah,

between pictures, I know. But you have already given me the greatest gift a

father could give a daughter.

To be raised in a wonderful, wholesome, clean home.

God! Well, I'd like to give you whatever you desire.

You know, anything.

I mean, I might do well. I could sell a good gross of leeches or a lot of I

Survive the Plague T -shirts. You know, it's possible.

Well, I would like a rose.

A beautiful rose.

A rose?

That would make me very happy.

It's a rose.

Well, I'll see what I can do. I'll really try.

Well, okay.

Now, you beware of the lepers.

And don't you let in any more trolls like you did last time, okay?

Okay, fine.

Father, you have a nice journey.

Yes, dear.

You can shove that in there later, Father.

Yes.

This is my hat.

Not quite this deep.

Goodbye.

Bye, Dad.

Yes.

This is a weird position for this day and age.

Well, I tell you something, I saw a dwarf in the forest one time in Sherman

Forest, hopping this way to a princess.

Except, uh, I call it the Debbie style.

Oh! Oh!

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, fuck me.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

I thought you saved some for me, little...

I was just sitting up there and I just couldn't wait any longer.

I don't want you. You're so beautiful.

Well, who are you?

I'm Mother Goose.

Mother Goose?

Wow.

Best little mother I ever knew.

And now I am going to turn you into a pumpkin and eat you.

All right.

Over there, my beauty.

Oh.

Don't make fun of me.

Several days later, Lyle and I started to make his way home.

He had done quite poorly in his peddling, and to top it all off, a very

con man had taken his last penny.

He had sold him some beans.

He had heard about a man, Jack, who climbed a beanstalk and made a fortune,

stupid Lyle didn't realize it was just a fairy tale.

Just when his tired feet could carry him no more, he came upon a beautiful

castle.

I wonder if the friendly baron dwells therein. Dwell within.

Dost thou mind?

Thank you.

I wonder if the friendly baron dwells therein that...

Might take a poor traveler who's had a long and weary voyage here.

I'll check there in and see.

No!

David, you're a fiend!

A thousand apologies, my dear Deborah. Here, let me help you.

or the wages of chivalry.

You're a knight in shitty armor.

As Shakespeare will say in about 200 years, me thinks you protest too much.

Why do you resist me so?

After all, we're the same, you and I.

Poor and passionate.

I'll do better than you. You just wait and see.

One day my love will come here and take me away from all this.

But not before kicking your ass.

We've worked here in close quarters for three years, and yet you still prefer

some phantom prince to me.

After all, a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.

That's bird, you lowlife.

Everyone has their pet name for it.

You know what you are?

You're a knave and a scoundrel.

You know my goal is to leave this dump and to marry someone like our master,

handsome prince.

But he isn't handsome. He's beastly.

No, but deep inside he's beautiful.

You say. Get back to work.

I don't pay you six pence a week to rut like weasels on my floor.

Yes, my lord. Yes, my lord.

My good woman, I'm a weary traveler who's seeking to stay here, get some

for after his long trip.

Well, I don't see why not, but it's up to me not to.

Who's at the door, Deborah?

It's a weary traveler of great body and charm who wishes lodging for the

evening.

Do you play a game?

Uh, well, a little. I'm not very good at it.

Great. Enter my good man.

I must warn you.

Oh,

the floor's slippery.

There's danger here.

I'm going to have to work for my supper.

I'll chop some wood.

No, I said, expecting to get your name.

Lyle, not again.

Lyle, I must warn you.

Master is very sensitive and he has a short fuse.

Why would I be so rude? My goodness, I mean, I'm not an official mannered

peasant.

Hello, I'm Lord Beestington, and you are?

I'm Lord... Holy shit, this is my mother!

Mr. Lau, holy shit, Jesus Christ, mother of God. Interesting name.

Religious, yet decadent.

Problem?

Too thick, too thick.

Oh, really?

You know, I studied a little bit of dentistry in my youth.

Here,

let me see, let me see.

Not bad, not bad.

Could use a little cleaning and maybe some braces on those lower incisors.

You know, most people think braces are for children, but I've worn them.

Up until just recently.

They've done wonders for my smile.

Beautiful.

Well, if I could be off to bed, I'm getting a little tired.

Yes.

I've got the crack of dawn, so I'm probably going to be seeing you again.

the rush?

What's the rush? We could have something to... We could have something to...

Something to eat.

And maybe...

Perhaps you could join me in a game or two.

Well, I don't want to turn down your hospitality.

Sir, sire, what again did you say this game was called?

Oh, this game was invented by a friend of mine, Lord Parker, and his brother.

It's called Monopoly.

There you go.

Q -U -A -S -T -L -E. Castle.

That's 30 points for me.

Castle.

Uh, what's that?

Sir, sire, sire, is that not, uh, quassel?

It's kind of like quassel to me, but... No, it's castle.

Q -U -A -S -T -L -E. Castle.

Castle.

Isn't castle like, uh, C?

C? Castle?

What's the matter? Can't you see, Castle?

Q -U -A -S -T -L -E, Castle. What's the matter? You can't see?

No, no, I... What's wrong with you?

Are you doubting my intelligence?

No, I'm not.

No, sir. Of course not, sir.

Looks good to me.

Good. 30 points, Castle. 40 points for you. 30 points is enough. Just what I

get.

It's your turn.

Yes, sir.

S -H -E -R -W -O -O -D. Sherwood. Sherwood Forrest.

Just like Sherwood Forrest.

I went again.

But that... I don't think that's... That's not a proper noun.

It's not.

It's a proper noun. It's proper. Sherwood Forrest is proper. What's the

with you? No, no. It's a word. It's a good word, too. It's a word.

But the capital letters for Forrest.

Sherwood.

The capital.

Look, capital G, capital G.

There's a capital M here, right? Is that a capital?

That's a capital. Capital M, right?

That's a capital to me.

What's the matter with you?

Yeah, well, far be it from me to... But something's not quite... I don't

understand you.

You're always complaining about when I make a word. You shouldn't do that.

Yes. Sure, of course, it's a word. What's the matter with you?

It's just like a word. I win. Come on.

Did I tell you?

that I have a new set of thumbscrews. Oh!

Looks good to me!

Yes.

I win again. You win again, that's right.

Stupid me.

Another mistake.

Oh, it's getting late.

I'm going to have to give it up. We're bad here.

Come on, we can play another game. We don't agree. It was over so fast. Oh,

you're just too good.

I'm losing everything.

Stupid me. You make all these mistakes.

But you're improving.

Look, you got a wife here.

Yeah, I got a wife.

Well, I think I should just leave it at that, you know, and take off to bed.

I'm not so good. I sort of warned you before. I'm not really good at games,

you're really good, boy. I'll tell you, you're the best I've ever run across.

All right.

Sister, Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, Mother of God, I'll join you for

dawn on the very early riser.

Oh, good.

Lord Beast.

Moral?

Moral. There was a word.

Crazy. That's crazy.

That guy is ugly.

How the hell am I ever going to get to sleep?

Hades, Hades, Hades.

Up walking all day long, trying to sell leeches.

Doesn't do a bit of good. Nobody wants leeches in this day and time.

Oh, I've got to think of something beautiful.

I don't want to have nightmares all night long.

Nightmares, I hate nightmares.

Think of being shish kebab by unicorns.

Red ones.

I know.

I'll think of my daughter, Beauty.

No.

Every time of night, I better not think of beauty. I know.

I'll think of the queen.

She a little high there, maybe.

I know.

I'll think of that whore at Wimbledon.

After the tennis.

A little humorous built.

Oh, Deborah.

A beautiful face.

Well, well.

I brought you some port to help you sleep.

Thank you very much.

Very thoughtful.

You know, the hospitality around here is a great deal better than the master's

loser face.

Oh, Lyle, I've been cooped up here since I was a child.

Regale me stories of the open road, of all your travels.

I'm so intrigued by men of adventure.

Well...

What's to tell, eh?

Oh, let's see, you know.

Once I was mugged by the happy men in Sherwood Forest.

Did you see Robin Hood?

Uh, I didn't see the merry men, the happy men. It was kind of a rip -off

They didn't get much publicity and weren't too big in the polls.

Yeah, well, let's see.

I was sort of a replacement for old King Cole's Fiddlers 3.

Stand -up bard.

Didn't work out till you got on a good career. Oh, Lord, I think I love you.

Deborah, no, you can't love me.

You can't.

I'm just a poor, wandering, endlessly traveling, peasant peddler.

I have two grown daughters.

Oh.

I'm a widower.

Yeah, I'm always constantly going from town to town,

place to place, in to in to out. I mean, to

pubs and, you know, never really settled down. No earth.

No home.

No fires.

It's a little warm in here. Is there a fire?

Deborah, now, I appreciate the value of persistence.

As a salesman, I understand that sort of thing. But this is not going to do you

a bit of good.

A little bit of good.

Now, you shame.

Don't we rot in hell if we do that kind of thing? I mean... Oh, get wasted. It

supports you. And true.

Oh.

For a real stifled woman, you've got one heck of a great imagination.

I kind of appreciate it.

It sort of undoes down... Oh,

she thinks you like what you see.

Yeah, it reminds me of tennis in Wimbledon.

I mean, no.

Very nice.

You can be nice in everything, don't they?

That you had this imported from London, didn't you?

Don't cry. You have no pedicure down there.

But it sounds real.

Yes, it is a little bit.

You're taking advantage of a widower. You are. I can tell. Take him on, you.

Go ahead.

Take advantage.

Why?

I'd like to know.

Yes. I'd like to see more.

Can I see a lot more?

Nothing like a few leather laces.

Oh, boy.

We've got to help him spring free.

Let's bring him free.

Hey, stop!

It's so good.

It's like that.

It doesn't look.

Oh!

So what do you think, Lyle?

I think you're wonderful.

I think I am completely drained.

Oh, Deborah.

Deborah.

Now, you have to remember, I'm just, I'm a poor peddler.

You can't come with me. You could do so much better with somewhere else, with

somebody else.

Really. Now, I feel rather foolish.

Oh, but, Deborah, please.

It's all right. It's all right.

I don't have to be struck over the noggin.

No, no.

I always appreciated the

warm hospitality.

I was happy to be leaving that ugly baron's domain.

Goodbye, Lord Beastingsland.

Thanks a lot.

You won't regret taking those leashes off my hands. They're a good deal.

As Lion was about to leave the grounds of Beastland, he passed a rosebush

with beautiful pink roses.

Remembering the request of his daughter, Beauty, he plucked one of the roses.

Hey!

Hey!

Who gave you permission to pick that rose?

Well, I just thought it was, you know... I give you room and board.

My maid fucks your brains out.

And you steal a rose from me.

I should put you in my dungeon and give you a good thrashing.

Oh, I meant no harm. It's just that my beautiful daughter, Beauty, asked that I

bring her a rose, a nice little rose.

And I can't give my daughter the finer things in life.

Very well, very well. I'll not thrash you.

You're a beautiful human being, you know.

Unconditioned, that's a beautiful daughter's need.

Visit my home for a few days.

Oh, well, Beauty is very fine and delicate. I'm afraid that she would be

little afraid. You understand?

Yeah.

You understand.

Did I mention to you that I have snakes in my dungeon?

Beauty, be right over. Take the first ox cart down. I'll send it right over. All

right, good.

And if you don't make good on your promise, I'll find you.

Yes, sir.

Fire. Fire.

Have a nice day.

Dodgers, I've returned.

Oh, mother, father, I have missed you so.

Beauty.

Look what I have brought you.

Oh, it's so beautiful.

Smell it.

Where is Eliza?

Well, where else?

Oh. Oh.

Sit down, beauty.

Can we talk?

Of course.

You know that really beautiful rose that I brought back for you? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it wasn't exactly free.

You see, I got a little bit tired on the trip, and I took this break and stayed

at this mansion.

Lyle explained everything.

Well, almost everything.

About the house, the hideous Lord Beastland, and so forth.

But since you know all that, we thought you might want to know what's going on

in Liza's room.

And so would I.

Mother gives me the relaxin' sometime.

Thank you.

Oh, man.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

my

gosh.

Hey.

Hey, where'd she go? Where'd she go? There was a girl right here, man. The

that was sitting on my face. Well, I don't know. Aren't I good enough for

little John? I don't know, but I was just eating a girl.

Five seconds ago.

Look what I got.

since Robin Hood.

But it's only going to be a couple of days.

Just a couple of days, sweetheart.

Oh, it sounds awful.

It sounds terrible. Papa, please don't make me do it.

Father.

Did you bring me any gifts?

I'm afraid, dear daughter, I didn't. My trip wasn't too bountiful. It was... You

wiener.

What's the matter with little Miss Muffet?

Terrible. A wealthy baron insists that I come and spend a few days at his house

because father picked one of his roses for me.

A rich baron?

What are we waiting for?

Well, I'm afraid he only requested beauty.

Do you know the psychological damage that you do to me when you favor her all

the time?

You don't understand. This baron is an extremely ugly, hideous guy.

Hey, he's rich.

I mean, how bad can he be?

Jesus

H.

Christ, I'm a bitch.

Sarge, you have a different name from your father.

Perhaps you'd like to freshen up before... Before... Before...

Dinner.

Dinner. I'll take you to your room. The beast was immediately charmed by the

virginal beauty.

Eliza, of course, was quite jealous.

My dear.

Do you know anything about Monopoly?

It's very easy.

It's a game with words.

See?

Spell words.

What's a quassel?

What do you mean quassel? It's castle.

Q -U -A -S -T -L -E. Castle.

What's the matter with you? You're just like your father.

Meat.

My favorite.

There. No.

No, thanks. No, for me.

You sure? Oh, yeah.

No, no, no. I can't eat sweets.

It's all right.

You know, be gone, be gone.

Ah, beauty.

Why don't we have some brandy and some more Monopoly?

As you please, sire.

You know, I...

I really like some brandy right about now.

I was speaking only to beauty.

You may retire for the evening.

Ah, beauty.

It's often said that beauty is only skin deep, but ugliness goes to the bone.

Do you believe that?

Certainly not.

I have so much love and passion inside me.

But my ugliness prevents anyone from seeing it.

That's very sad.

People don't realize that the beautiful diamond is embedded in dark black coal.

Yeah, yeah.

And the ugly caterpillar becomes the beautiful butterfly.

And the gnarled sticks and twigs of winter make way for the roses of spring.

And those sticky little wrinkled little babies become fully grown adult things

and people, birds.

Are you finished?

No, go ahead. I agree with you. You agree with me.

Oh, beauty.

So many times in my life I've met women who are completely repelled and won't

even speak to me.

She'll...

Oh, no, wait a minute. Oh, please, Judy, please.

I would be so grateful.

Listen, I'm nice and I'm empathetic and, you know, all that, but I'm sorry. I

can't. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I was wrong to ask.

Let's enjoy the fire.

Why does that bitch have all the luck?

I mean, why can't I have a rich landowner?

Would you settle for a rich landowner's son?

Of course.

Who are you?

Just as I said.

The master's my father.

Fortunately, I got me mother's looks, though.

Lucky for you.

You know, you really are quite attractive.

Much more than your sister.

Well, you shouldn't have to say the right things.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not only that.

I believe in sex at first sight.

My kind of girl.

You like that?

Oh,

that's a sweet pussy.

I figured sheep would be it for the rest of me life. I can't believe this.

Well, what about Debra?

Looks like a pretty cute wench.

She's the help.

I mean... A wealthy young prince's son couldn't be seen without her.

Could ruin the image.

I'd much rather be munching on this.

Oh, yes.

I might want to play with it.

I love you. I love you.

I love you.

I've got to fuck you right now.

You're rich and loyal, Rod.

I'm in a real girl.

A real girl.

Are you ready to sit atop the royal step there?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Gorgeous, huh?

And without all that wool.

I love it.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Get

real

nice. Oh, yes.

I have those ruby red lips and I'm like cock.

Explode.

Oh.

Fuck the jacket.

Oh, God.

Help.

happen to help you clean the kitchen?

It's the prince's son.

Yeah. Get out of here, woman.

Is that what you told her, that you're the prince's son?

Witch.

Go do your chores.

He's nothing but the handyman.

And master wants you downstairs in the study to bring him some more firewood.

Oh.

You mean I've been screwing the goddamn handyman?

Back to shoot the game.

Out. Get me closing.

Oh, Daisy is one.

Daisy? Yeah.

Just my luck. Even when my sister has an ugly date, at least he's worth

millions. I mean, I've been waiting for my prince for so long.

They are out there, aren't they?

I'll keep waiting for mine, too.

Do you ever think he might not come?

Constantly.

Why did that we sit around waiting for some man to come along to take care of

her?

Men are such great treasures.

No, they aren't. I mean, sure, we have Beastie downstairs.

But most men, they're coarse, hairy, and rough.

They're not smooth and silky.

Or curvaceous.

And smooth.

Or supple.

And round.

And understanding.

Giving.

I mean, man doesn't even know how to kiss a woman, lip, or suck them the way

they really want to be kissed.

Lip and suck.

Huh, what's that?

That's not what it is.

um um

. . . . .

.

um um

Well, Lord Beastington, you have been most gracious.

Oh, precious beauty.

Please, I will ask one more time, and I will not ask again.

Just one brief moment of lovemaking.

Please, and I will comfort and care for you for the rest of your life and give

anything your heart desires.

Anything.

Lord Beastington.

You are so charming and brilliant and witty, but I'm sorry, I cannot.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Why me?

What's the matter with him? Did he find a zit on his nose this morning?

No.

He's offered to marry me and take care of me for the rest of my life and bestow

great riches upon me. If only I would make love to him.

And I refuse.

Why you?

Why you?

There, there, Lord.

There, there.

I'll make love to you.

That is, if the deal's still on, you know, about the taking care of you.

You got a paper bag?

My daughters, you returned safely.

Did anybody call for me while I was gone?

Yes, they're all waiting for you now.

Little John, Friar Tuck, Robin, and Maid Marian?

Well, Robin Hood and Friar Tuck called. They'll be a little bit late from

Sherwood Forest, but Little John and Maid Marian, they're waiting. Wow.

What is wrong, my dear?

Is the beast's ugliness emblazoned on your brain the way it is on mine?

Well, indeed, he's quite ugly on the outside.

But on the inside, he's a man of great wit, sensitivity, Roman.

He used to love to build a fire and we would sit by it.

And he would talk.

Must have done some incredible speaking.

He did.

Why aren't they all melancholy, my dearest?

I'm not sure.

I turned him down when he wanted to make love to me.

Jesus H. Christ.

You were right to turn him down. You'd regret it the rest of your life if you

did. But don't you see? I turned him down merely because he was physically

I can dig it.

But he wept so bitterly.

You know, he's a man of great sensitivity.

I hurt him. Now I feel so bad.

My naive one.

Men will beg and they will plead and they will cry for the charms of a

woman. But I cared for him.

I cared for what he was on the inside.

Don't you see?

He genuinely cared for me.

It's true. Sometimes you have to dig a little more deeply for true beauty.

Father, I must return to him.

I just cannot be true to myself if I don't.

Fine, but if you'd fall in love and if you'd marry, would you consider

Possibly.

That kid.

So Beauty returned as fast as she could to Beastland to fulfill her destiny.

Lord Beastington!

Here I am.

Beauty, you've returned.

Yes, I've returned, my love.

Oh, you have.

But why?

Oh,

Beauty.

Never done this before?

Oh, a friend of mine invented them. Lord Boxer.

They'll be new things one day. You'll see.

They're quite comfortable.

You like them?

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're incredibly handsome.

Sure, compared to before.

You see, years ago, a spell was put on me by a wicked witch.

And it could only be removed if a beautiful and kind woman

who really and truly cared for me made love to me.

Remarkable.

I guess sometimes being a self -sacrificing, guilt -ridden ninny pays

Absolutely.

We marry.

Yes. Oh, yes.

Ah, well.

Here we are.

This is my grade school.

P .S. 48.

Charming. And over here... This...

Is my father.

I see the resemblance.

And over here... Is my pet duck.

Here... My window.

What a pain.

Why didn't I ever think of fucking him?

He was a beast.

Oh, my good woman.

Have you a room for a wealthy adventurer?

Upon whom a witch has cast a horrible spell.

Right this way.

Yes, yes.

Oh, my very own beast.

I'd love to hear.

Be gentle.

Oh, yes.

Making my handsome prince.

This is

what

I've been waiting for.

Fucking not.

these two of you.

That's all. Just a test.

You're a fiend and a scoundrel.

Wait. I can't get this mask off.

Help me, please.

Please. It's hard in here.

Please.

That mask.

And there you have it, my children.

Everyone came, or at least almost everyone came happily ever after.

Now it's Mother Goose's turn.

Oh,

that's it.

Oh, I suck at this.

happily ever after.

Including you.