Original subtitles

Come and knock on our door. Come and knock on our door.

We've been waiting for you.

We've been waiting for you.

Where the kisses are heard and heard and kissed, please come for me too.

Come and dance on our floor.

Come and dance on our floor. Take a step that is new.

Take a step that is new.

We've a lovable space that needs your face. Please come for me too.

You'll see that life is a ball of...

You're awake.

I don't believe this. You are actually awake.

Jack's reunion.

Terry, you slept through the whole thing last night.

His reunion?

That was downtown at the Blackwell Hotel.

Yeah, it may have started downtown at the Blackwell Hotel, but it ended up

here at 3 o 'clock in the morning.

Jack brought his Navy buddies here?

No, they brought him, or I should say they carried him.

Oh, well, that was nice of them. Nice? Terry, they plopped him down right in

middle of the floor, and then they proceeded to have their party all over

You? You should have seen these guys.

and their sneezing powder and their dumb whoopee cushions.

Sounds like I missed a great flight.

You missed a bunch of jerk. Oh, come on, Janet. You have to learn to be more

tolerant. I mean, after all, boys will be boys. Ah!

The jerk!

Hey, girls, could you keep the noise down? I'm not feeling... Oh, my God, I'm

seeing snakes.

here? Mm -hmm. Too bad you weren't.

Oh, look, I don't want to talk about this right now. I need some coffee. I'm

sorry, but the snakes drank it all.

Oh. Bad Jack doesn't have any coffee.

Yeah.

Well, milk is better for me anyway.

Hey, Jack, tell me something.

Were you and that bunch of jerks in the Navy together or reform school?

Why don't you just give them a break? You know, they're just some guys.

trying to let off a little steam. They're really a wonderful bunch of...

Not yet. He found the coffee.

That makes me feel so much better. I can actually go and get dressed now.

Oh, sit down. I'll make you some coffee.

Thank you, Terry. You really are an... What's the matter?

I'd like to know. That really hurts.

Will not, are you kidding? Jack, don't be silly. If something's wrong, I can

help.

Jack Tripper, I'm a nurse.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

I just remembered what happened last night.

What? They took me to a tattoo parlor.

Oh,

Jack, no.

Yes, I got tattooed.

Are you kidding me? Jack, I told you that I'm unnerved. I don't care what you

are. I don't want you to see it, Terry. It's ridiculous.

Jack, I have seen all shapes and sizes.

I'm talking about the tattoo.

What's so special about it?

I promise you won't laugh.

Okay.

It's a heart.

Well, that's so bad. And in the middle of it, it says, the love butt.

They can do that?

I'll call one of the doctors down at the hospital.

Oh, Terry, bless you, bless you.

It's just a simple surgical procedure.

Surgical? You mean an operation?

What'd you expect, an eraser?

Hello, Angie? Terry Alden. Hi.

Listen, is Dr.

Porter there?

Good, I'd like to speak with him, please. Thanks. A very good plastic

Hurt me.

Dr. Porter, Terry Alden.

Listen, I have a friend who would like to have a tattoo removed, and... Well,

it's on... Why don't I just put him on the phone? Hold on.

Just a second. I've got to go to work. I'll see you later. Terry, will you

promise me you won't mention any of this to Janet? Okay, but she's bound to find

out. How?

Janet always gets to the bottom of things.

Cheer up, Terry, okay?

Oh, uh, doctor, uh, yes, uh, this is Jack Tripper, and, um...

I do have a problem.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, I see.

Tell me, how large is the tattoo?

Well, that might require a skin graft. You'd have to stay overnight.

Well, okay.

How soon do you think you can do it?

Oh, no. A month?

Now, I'll tell you what. I've had a cancellation. If you can get over here

away, I could schedule you for surgery this afternoon.

This afternoon?

It's open, Larry.

Well, Doctor, I certainly don't want to wait a whole month.

All right, well, listen. I'll come over to the hospital this afternoon.

Right. Thank you, Doctor. Bye.

What's this about a hospital?

It's nothing serious, Larry. Just a little minor surgery.

Hold it, pal. There's no such thing as minor surgery.

Once they open you up... Larry, I'm telling you, it's not serious, okay?

You wouldn't kid me, would you, pal?

Honestly, it's nothing.

Oh.

What are they going to do?

I really would rather not talk about it, do you mind?

Oh, my God, it is serious.

Jack.

Well, Larry, if you must know, I got a tattoo. Oh, my God!

A tattoo?

Right here.

I was out with my Navy buddies last night, and at the time... Yeah, I don't

think I want to hear anymore. Thank you.

So how are they going to take it off? Sandpaper?

Where are you having it done?

Wilshire Memorial.

Really? I just gave Charlie Belton a lift over there.

He's having a vasectomy. Can you believe it?

Well, Larry, this guy's got eight kids. Yeah, even so, it gives me the creeps

just thinking about that.

Oh, come on now, Larry. A vasectomy is not the end of the world.

Yeah. If a guy wants to play it safe, a vasectomy is the only way to go. You

know what I mean? Yeah, I bet you do.

So when are you going into the hospital?

Well, just to get myself dressed and throw a few things into a bag.

Don't let them cut too deep!

Hiya, Janet.

How about this guy, huh?

What's going on? No, no, no, not you two. I don't want you to worry. It's

little minor surgery, okay?

Minor? Yeah, in a few days I'll be back in circulation.

This is nothing to joke about. I don't think you should do it. Janet, the

arrangements are already made. Listen, I gotta ask you, can I borrow your little

suitcase? The zipper on mine isn't working.

I don't think your hand is working.

Janet, I don't have time for this. I've got to get to the hospital. Are you

going to lend me your suitcase or not?

It's in the bottom of my closet.

But I've got a bunch of my clothes in it. I'll empty it.

Oh, and Janet, could you get my shaving stuff together for me? Jack, I don't

think you've given this enough thought. Janet, please.

Okay, okay.

Mr. Furley? Jack, what's the matter with you? What?

Well, Larry just told me you're going into the hospital.

Oh, that big mouth.

But he didn't tell me what for. Now, to me, that sounds very serious. No, no,

no, Mr. Furley. It's just a little minor surgery.

Oh, well, that's a relief. Yeah. Excuse me, I gotta go get dressed.

What kind of surgery?

Tonsils? Appendix?

Well, it's not that big a deal.

Having your ears pierced?

Mr. Furley, you must know I'm just getting rid of something that I never

have had in the first place.

Jack,

please, will you?

Where are you going?

Jack,

I think we should sit down and talk this over.

Hitting down is the last thing I want to do.

Jack!

I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

Yes? We've got to stop him. What?

We can't let him have an operation.

You know about that?

Yes, you've got to talk to him. I'm trying to talk him out of it. Well, try

harder.

You can do it, Janet, I know you can.

Because once you start nagging, you just never stop.

to you, Jan. You could drive a guy right up the wall.

Mr. Hurley!

I know, because I've given in to you lots of times just to shut you up.

Okay.

You made your point.

Good. I knew I could count on you.

Now, go get him, because the next time I see Jack, I want to see Jack, not

Jacqueline.

Mr. Hurley, what are you... Well, I'm on my way.

Jack. Jack, I'm in a hurry. Jack, aren't you being awfully selfish?

What? Well, have you thought about the way this is going to affect other

What other people?

You do intend to get married someday, don't you? Sure, of course. Well, what

you think your wife is going to say about this?

Nothing.

Nothing? Because I'm never going to tell her.

Why is the guy in the next room moaning?

He just saw his bill.

Oh, come on. You're not worried about the operation, are you?

Yes. Oh, believe me, it's nothing. The doctor could do it with one arm tied

behind his back.

Really?

But he won't, Willie.

Oh.

Hello, Dr. Porter. Hi, Terry.

You'll be all right.

Sir Jack, how are we doing?

Well, I'm, uh... Uh, Doctor, who are all these people?

Oh, they're interns.

They're here to observe. Now, if you'll just roll over.

A couple of them are women.

Oh, Jack, there are no men or women here, only doctors.

Oh, well, uh, could you ask the doctors with the dresses to please leave?

Jack, please, come on. There's no need to be embarrassed. This is just routine

to us.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Now, as you can see, the patient has a heart -shaped tattoo on the lower

maximus with an inscription.

Yeah, the love button.

I'm sorry.

Well, I can assure you this is nothing to joke about. The man has a very

serious...

I'm

sorry.

I've just never seen the love butt this far south before.

No.

It won't happen again, son.

Now...

Dr. Fairmont, how would you proceed in this case?

Well, I would make an incision from here to here, then down to here, then up

through here.

Dr.

Phillips, report to Oz. Excuse me, please.

I'm looking for Jack Tripper.

He's in room 309, but the doctor's with him now.

Oh, thanks.

I'll just wait. Thank you. Thanks.

Oh,

excuse me. Can I leave my baby with you while I visit my husband?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's against the rules.

But they said I wasn't allowed to take him in with me.

I'm sorry.

Nurse White to two women. Um, excuse me. What?

Which... Watch my baby for me. What?

Please, it'll only be five minutes.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I really... Yes, I'd be very happy to.

Thank you. Sure.

You won't have any trouble with Timmy. He's a very good baby.

Oh, I can see that. Thank you. Sure.

Timmy, you may not know it, but you are going to get through Jack's thick skull.

I didn't even know you were engaged.

Come on, I'm just watching him for somebody. Oh, hi.

Isn't he precious?

Yeah, well, if you can't find a cabbage patch, doll, this is a pretty good show.

His name is Timmy. Hey, Timmy. Would you like to hold him? No, no, no, I don't

think so. Oh, come on, Jack, I know you'll be great at that. Uh, well,

There you go.

Hi, guys.

Oh, Jack, you look so sweet.

He's got a little button. He's pretty cute, isn't he? I knew... you'd like

Boogity, boogity.

309. Thank you.

Mr. Curley, here to see Jack?

No, I'm here to stop his operation.

Believe me, Terry, he wouldn't be one bit happier as a woman.

What are you talking about?

Jack, you shouldn't fool around with Mother Nature even if she did screw up

first time.

Mr. Curley.

Believe me. Look, I may not be a doctor, But I do know plumbing.

And once you start fooling around with those pipes... Oh, Mr.

Foley, that's not why Jack's here.

Is it? No!

Then why is he here?

Well, I can tell you, Jack doesn't want anyone to know. But he made a mistake,

and he's very ashamed about it, and he's come here to have it taken care of.

Yeah, but... I'm sorry, Mr. Foley. I have to go back to work. I'll see you

later.

Why won't anybody tell me what he's here for?

Oh, my God!

What's going on here?

That's what I'd like to know.

Will you please leave? I have to attend to this patient.

Mother's Day will never be the same!

Prepare him for surgery.

Oh, no, you don't. He's changed his mind. Right, Jack?

No, I haven't.

What? Didn't little Timmy do anything to you?

Well, he wet on me a little bit, but that'll do.

Honestly, Jack, honestly.

You're going to have to forgive Janet. You know, hospitals make some people

nervous.

What is that?

That's just a little something to help you relax.

Well, it isn't working.

have a care in the world. Will it hurt?

Oh, now, Mr. Tripper, I've been giving these shots for over 20 years.

And it hurts every time.

In just a few minutes, you're going to feel a lot

better. Oh, sure. First you make me think it's not going to hurt, and now

tell me it's going to make me feel...

Thank you. You are so beautiful.

Why do they always have to get a shot before they say that?

you two little janitors. Oh, Jack, you may think that what you're doing is the

right thing now, but as time goes by... You must remember this.

A kiss is still a kiss.

Tattoo?

Okay.

What?

Jack, please.

You are all dressed now.

Oh, gosh.

Okay. Where are we going?

We are going home.

Going home.

Is he there yet?

No, Jack, please.

What are you doing?

Terry, I'm so glad to see you. You've got to help me get Jack out of here. But

he's going into surgery.

No, he isn't.

butts in dry dock.

Only kidding, pal.

Sorry,

I thought it was the other cheek.

You're so very funny.

What's the matter, Jack? Can't you take a joke?

That coffee smells good.

Would you like a cup?

I would love one.

Terry, why don't you get Larry some coffee in that special Navy mug that my

friends left here the other night?

Glad to, Jack.

Great.

Excuse me, Lauren. Thank you, Terry.

Can't stay long, pal. I just came by to cheer you up.

Well, you're doing a great job so far. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Jack, do you remember that girl, Charlene, that you've been wanting me to

you up with? Yeah. Yeah.

She's been getting very, very lonely. She has?

Yes, she has.

So, I'm taking her out tonight.

Touch me and make that sound. Would you leave him alone, Larry? He just had an

operation.

What did they do, remove his sense of humor?

I mean, if you can't take a joke.

Three's company was videotaped in front of a studio audience.