All language subtitles for three_s_company_s06e27e28 The Best of Threes Company

Tonight, the best of Three's Company,
starring John Ritter,

Joyce DeWitt, Suzanne Sommer, Audra
Lindley, Norman Fell,

Richard Klein, Don Knotts, Jenny Lee
Harrison, Priscilla

Barnes, and special guest host Lucille
Ball.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lucille Ball.

Oh, I hope they know that.

Uh, hello?

Anybody home?

Good.

Now then, I can talk about them.

Well, this is the place. Three's
Company.

A guy living with two girls.

Why didn't I ever think of that?

Well, actually, I did.

But when I told my mother I wanted to
move out, she made me go live with my

Maud.

You know what I like about this show?

It doesn't try to change the world or
solve any major problems.

All it does is make us laugh and forget
our own cares.

That's my kind of comedy.

all started here in the bathroom. You
see, their roommate, Eleanor, was

and Chrissy and Janet threw her a big
farewell party.

Next morning, Chrissy made a startling
discovery in the bathtub.

She ran right to Janet for help.

Good Lord, is it morning?

Yes, yes it is.

And if you don't mind a stupid question,
who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Jack.

Jack Triple.

And that's how they met.

But becoming a roommate was not so easy.
Their landlord, Mr. Roper, wouldn't

hear of a man moving in with two girls
until Janet somehow persuaded him to let

Jack stay.

How?

I had him to change his mind.

Easy. I just convinced him that nothing
would happen between Jack and I.

How did you do that? Well, I told him
that Jack was a decent, respectable,

-working young man.

And that did it? Not quite. I also told
him that you were gay.

Do you remember the girls looking like
that?

I'd almost forgotten. They've really
changed over the years.

And then came Cindy.

And then came Terry.

But one thing that hasn't changed is
Jack. No one, but no one, ever got

in so many wild predicaments as Jack
Tripper.

Present company accepted.

For instance, there was a time that Jack
woke up one morning and found he wasn't

alone.

Honey.

Sweetheart.

Baby doll.

Not tonight, Helen. I've got to head
off.

Oh, boy.

Mr. Roper?

Mr. Roper?

What are you doing here? This is my bed.

Oh, my God.

There was another time when Jack
handcuffed himself to Chrissy just for a

and then couldn't find the key.

And he had to keep a date.

Hi, Jack.

Oh, Brenda, you look so beautiful.

Thank you.

Make a glass of white wine. Two white
wines.

Make that three white wines. And a tuna
fish sandwich.

Three white wines and a tuna fish
sandwich.

Why are you ordering for that girl at
the next table?

Well, she's all alone, you know, and she
seems like a nice person, and I think

she's hungry.

Well, let her order.

That'll be $5 .25.

Thank you.

Will you ever forget the time that Jack

took a job cooking for her husband and
wife?

Unfortunately, the wife acted like the
main dish was Jack.

I hope it's not too spicy.

Well, it can't get too spicy for me.

Well, bon appetit.

Makes you wonder how she works at all.

You know what I said to him?

But when Jack took another man's name in
order to get a job as a chef, he nearly

wound up as mincemeat.

Oh, I don't think I'll watch this one.

I've been looking forward to this
moment.

Hey! Hey!

That's for my kid sister.

What did she order?

What are you talking about?

Who's your sister?

You mean you don't even remember her
name? You

think that was pain?

Then watch this.

Jack overdid it at the gym to impress
that beautiful girl. And now he's in

pain, he can hardly move.

But he doesn't want her to know.

Bye, Jack.

Tripper told Mr. Furley that he had a
twin brother from Texas, and then he had

to prove it. You're going to see a man
who was really beside himself.

Well, let's get on with the party.

Wait a minute. Now where's Austin?

Oh, he went to the little wrangler's
room.

Why don't you sit on down there, Attica?
You know, it's good to see the two of

you boys together.

Well, it's great being together,
partner.

It certainly is.

Well, how about a slug of bourbon?

Austin?

Fine, fine, fine.

Janet? No, thanks, Mr. Furley. Cindy and
I'll just have some of this wine here.

It would feel nice of you to bring it
along. It looks like a great view. Okay,

here you go, Austin.

And one for RF.

And Jack, right here.

Slurred a bourbon?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

Oh, come on, you little twerp.

Well,

okay, I'll try.

All right, now let's all get
comfortable.

Jack? Yes, sir?

I want you and your brother Austin...
Right here, yeah.

...to sit right here on either side of
me.

Jack met his roommate -to -be, Terry
Alden, under very embarrassing

circumstances. He didn't like the idea
of a woman giving him a tetanus shot,

she got him in the end.

Would you drop your pants, please?

Drop my pants?

I bet you say that to all the guys.

Drop them.

No way.

Why not?

Because. Because.

I'm a woman.

No, I wasn't going to say that. And the
idea of a woman seeing you without your

clothes on embarrasses you.

Absolutely not. Look, I know you're a
professional. And you've done this a

hundred times. And you know what you're
doing. And why can't he give the shot?

Because it's not his job. It's mine.
Excuse me.

Sir, may I speak to you for a second?

Of course.

Thank you. I know that somebody in your
position usually doesn't bother giving

shots, but in this one case, could you
make an exception?

Very much.

Thank you very much. Excuse me.

You don't know how much this means to
me.

You see, nurse... This may not be his
job, but some people are not hung up on

titles, you know what I mean? I mean, he
doesn't mind stooping to give a mere

patient a shot.

Why shouldn't he? He stoops all the
time. Huh? He's the janitor. The

And this is the kitchen, where Jack
whips up all those delicious meals for

girls.

No wonder they love living with him, and
that's what this show is all about,

living together.

Morning.

How you doing? Oh, gee, do you have to
walk around the house in your underwear?

This is not underwear. It's my bathing
suit. I ran out of clean shorts.

Oh. Well, in that case, it's all right.

Why wasn't it all right before?

I thought it was your underwear.

Yeah, but it's still the same shorts.
You can't tell the difference.

I can.

How? Because your underpants have
giraffes on them.

Exercise wouldn't do you any harm.

Ah, this stuff's not for me. When I want
exercise, I go down to the gym, I lift

some weights, punch the bag to a couple
miles around the track. Real exercise.

This is kid stuff.

Kid stuff, huh?

I'd like to see you try it. Oh, this is
going to be easy. What do you want me to

do?

Oh, well, let's start out with a simple
posture. The lotus.

The lotus?

Yes. Take one of your feet. Yes.

Lift it out with the bottom towards the
ceiling and gently place it in its

position.

It's easy.

Okay, now take the other one and do the
same thing.

Gently.

Thank you. See, I told you it was easy.

Okay,

Janet, how do I get out of this?

Oh, that's next week's lesson. No,
Janet!

Come here.

Hey, it was easy, huh?

Well, I said it was easy getting into
it. I didn't say anything about getting

out of it. Now, come on. All right, all
right, I'll help you.

Oh, wait a minute. Got a phone.

Don't do that.

I don't even know what that is.

You've got to show him that you're not
what he thinks you are.

She's got to show him she's not a girl?

Hold this out, Chrissy. I'm talking
about a different type of girl. Now,

Larry shows up tonight, you've got to
show him a Janet that he doesn't even

exists. A sexy bombshell.

What? You've got to turn him on so you
can turn him off. You see?

Look, I'll show you how. Okay, you don't
know me. Now, you pretend that you're

sitting all by yourself at the Regal
Beagle. Now, what do you do when a good

-looking guy walks in and sits down
beside you?

Dick,

you said Dick, you said Dick, you said
Dick.

make you guys feel better i learned it
from a friend who studied with a swami

it's guaranteed to drive your blues away
and get you laughing again all right

now now pick up your milk let's go come
on jenna pick up your milk okay all

right now repeat after me sadness
departs leave gladness in my heart say

sadness departs leave gladness in my
heart now drink your milk

but Only drink your milk from this side
of the glass. Never drink it from this

side of the glass. Why can't you drink
from that side?

Well, if you drink it from this side...
But

it wasn't always fun and games.

You know, sometimes they got on each
other's nerves, which led to problems.

with these kids, even their problems are
funny.

than what you do. You keep me up half
the night making noises.

What noises?

here without checking with me? Hey, hey,
back off, buster.

You're just sore because I brought a man
in here.

Sore? Do I look sore?

Janet, Janet, Janet.

Janet, I'm just thinking of your
reputation.

Believe me, people are just not ready to
see a woman living with two men.

What? Janet, a single, attractive woman
living with two guys?

And how come you weren't worried about
your reputation, Jack, living with two

girls?

Because I'm a man, and men don't have to
worry about their reputations.

What?

What, what?

Did you hear what you just said?

I wasn't listening.

Did you know what you are, Jack?

You are a male chauvinist. Don't say it.
Oink. Janet.

Oink, oink. Janet.

Janet.

Janet. How do you like my new dress?

I picked it up at a sale. I'm crazy
about it. You are?

Yeah.

It's lovely on you, Cindy.

Thanks, Janet.

Sure. Why don't you tell her the truth,
Janet?

Jack.

Janet, if you don't like it, I wish
you'd tell me, because I think you have

good taste.

Wait, wait. Oh, Cindy, that's not what
you told me last week.

me you hated that plaid dress janet was
wearing i did not then what did you say

cindy uh i said i didn't like it for me
but it's all right for someone with

short legs go ahead

short legs janet i didn't mean

Hey, where's Terry?

Welcome back to the best of Three's
Company.

By this time, you must know I love
physical comedy, especially when John

does it. He would have been right at
home in the old silent films. He's done

some things that even Buster Keaton and
Harold Lloyd would have loved.

Action!

Looks easy, doesn't it? But believe me,
it's not.

It takes a lot of talent, a lot of
agility, and a lot of band -aids.

You know what else I get a kick out of?
The kids have the same problem that I

had on my show.

Their landlord lives in the building
right downstairs.

First, it was the Ropers.

Helen, the romantic, and Stanley, the
pooped.

You're not cracking the ceiling. Their
party did that.

Oh, that wasn't the party, Stanley. That
was the earthquake.

What earthquake?

The big one. Don't you remember?

Oh, it was thrilling.

Thrilling?

Yeah, it was the first time our bed
moved in years.

Look, Stanley, you've been lying around
all morning and you promised me that

you'd paint the outside of the building
today.

Well, the day's not over.

Yeah, but you've been promising all
year.

Well, the year's not over.

How long can you...

to look at something so faded and drab.

I don't know. How long have we been
married?

Does she know that you're, uh... She
knows exactly what I am, thank you.

You know, you're lucky, Jack.

You could be pals with women. Hmm?

I mean, you don't have the same problems
that a regular man has.

Like what?

Well, you'll never have a wife nagging
you.

Not that I have anything against
marriage, but wives can be very

You know, they're always asking you to
do things.

What kind of things?

You know, like things.

Things. Like? Like, uh...

Like putting up a shelf?

That's it.

Putting up shelves.

And they're never satisfied.

I mean, it's not as though I never put
up a shelf.

I mean, maybe I don't put up as many
shelves as some husbands.

I put up shelves.

If Helen had her way, I'd be putting up
a...

Shelf every night.

That's a lot of shelves.

Well, now that you're awake, I can tell
you I have no more little jobs to

do. Correct me.

I have one more little job.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Oh, Stanley.

Be gentle with me, Hillary.

And just upstairs is Larry, Jack's best
friend.

I better get my sunglasses.

Why? Because I'm in love.

You gotta have a better reason than
that.

Awesome, Larry. Haven't you ever thought
of getting married?

Yeah, but the rabbit got better.

Larry's a used car salesman, but he can
sell anything, even a coffin.

Oh, come on.

Yeah, come on. I'll show you there's
nothing to it. Huh?

Here you go. Oh, Larry, come on.

I'll tell you, this little baby is the
answer to all your problems.

Huh? You got your plush, satin interior.

Talk. about your reclining seats.

Larry!

And plenty of leg room, not like those
Japanese imports.

Larry, will you get out of there?

It's even got a sunroof.

Now, here's a picture of a man about to
make the supreme sacrifice.

He thinks an older woman has designs on
Jack, and he's about to romance her in

order to lure her away from Jack.

Hi.

I'm Larry.

I'm Martha. Martha, what a beautiful
name.

Reminds one of vineyards.

A little wine?

Yes, thank you.

Excuse me, but, you know, I just
couldn't help but notice your perfume.

It's so mysterious.

So enchanting.

So sensual.

What do you call it?

Bengay.

I rub it on my shoulders.

It's the only thing that works for my
rheumatism.

Well, it's so... You.

She's a nice little girl for someone her
age.

You're a young man.

Just exactly what is it you're doing?
Oh, now, why fight it, Martha?

I know from the minute I set eyes on
you, there was something between us.

And, of course, there's Mr.

Furley, the kid's present landlord, who
thinks of himself as a playboy, a

ladies' man, and an all -around swinger.

But that's not how we see him.

Hi,

what can I get you?

Oh, well, let's see.

You got any 12 -year -old scotch back
there?

Anything younger than that, a real
scotch drinker, and throw it back.

How's this?

Yeah, let's see.

Oh, what are you doing?

Listening for the bagpipes.

A tall glass of a little root beer.

Root beer?

Yeah. And throw a cherry in there, too,
will you?

Sure. Got any whipped cream?

Hey, why the long faces?

Jack failed his cooking exam, and he's
going to move out.

Move out?

It's a good thing I showed up when I
did.

Jack,

it's time you and I had a talk.

Just the two of us.

You running away.

Don't you know when the going gets
tough, the tough get going?

So you fail. Big deal. Look at me.

I fail almost everything I've ever
tried.

I've never really amounted to anything.

My whole life has just been one big
failure after another.

I'm the laughing stock of my family.

The only reason I have this job is
because my...

My brother owns the building.

Jack, if you can wait till tomorrow,
I'll go with you.

Oh, no, boys, my French is really rusty.

Well, lucky for you, I'm here.

Mr. Perl, do you speak French?

Do I speak French?

Isn't French the language of love?

Garçon, au revoir, monsieur.

Au revoir, monsieur.

line fall.

Pardon.

Madame seems to have your menu, the one
with the prices.

I'm terribly sorry, sir. I hope I didn't
scare you. Scare me?

Are you kidding?

You know,

one of the most important things in any
relationship is understanding.

But one of the most important things in
comedy is misunderstanding.

Because it can lead to so much fun.

Oh, what are we going to do?

Chrissy.

Chrissy.

Oh,

that's cute.

Yeah, there's nothing a girl likes more
than a little tickle on the tummy.

room. Would you excuse me? Sure.

One of the most touching moments was
when Jack and Janet visited Chrissy at

hospital. They misunderstood the doctor
and thought Chrissy was dying.

Actually, she was about to be released
from the hospital.

Did you talk to the doctor?

Yes. And you know?

Yeah.

How do you feel?

Oh, fine.

The not knowing was the worst part of
it.

shouldn't be thinking about us now.

Oh, yeah.

You know, as long as I live, I'll never
forget how super you both were.

Um, is there anything that you want? I
mean, anything. You name it.

Well, before I go, I would like to go
around and say goodbye to all the

They made it lots easier.

the time when Mrs. Latham, a woman Jack
had just given a cooking lesson to, was

changing her clothes just as Terry came
home.

Hello, you must be one of Jack's
roommates.

Yes, I'm Terry. I'm Joanna Latham.

You're certainly a lucky girl sharing an
apartment with a man like Jack.

Oh? Oh, for someone so young, he
certainly knows what he's doing. Such

technique.

That Jack.

You know, he showed me things I'd never
even heard of.

Oh, uh, is he here?

In the bedroom getting dressed.

You know what I like best?

He's so patient.

He let me do it over and over.

Finally got it right.

Oh, hi, Terrence. Oh, Jack, I've got to
run.

Thanks so much.

Here you are.

$25.

And worth every penny.

You know, I feel guilty about this, Mrs.
Latham. You know, I had as much fun as

you did.

Poor Terry was still in the dark when
Mrs. Latham's husband showed up.

Oh, you poor man. Here, come sit down.

How about some coffee?

Thank you.

You really shouldn't be here.

Why? Isn't today my wife's lesson?

You know about Jack and your wife?

Sure.

You don't mind?

Of course not. You have to learn
somehow.

Jack gets tired of the same thing night
after night. He wants you alive.

kind of be fun to watch.

One day, Terry brought home someone from
the psychiatric ward.

Janet and Jack thought he was a patient
and a dangerous one.

Actually, he was a doctor.

So, Tom, how are you?

Not...

What's wrong with nuts?

Nothing.

I love nuts.

It's just that, well, I thought perhaps
you'd prefer some cheese.

Well, anything you say.

Good.

Janet? Yeah? That was a nice move.

Listen, just don't offer him any more
nuts. Oh, no. And no crackers.

Oh, Jack.

Dan.

What's the matter, Tom? Oh, my watch
band has come on.

Tom, that's no reason to get excited.

Let me take a look -see at it, okay?

Well, here's the problem. You gotta
screw loose.

Well, I'm glad we got all that
straightened out. Oh, one more thought

Three's Company.

We wouldn't care about these kids if
they didn't care about each other. And

do, just like a family.

Remember the time a phony character
conned Janet into thinking she was good

enough to be a professional dancer, but
then she found out he wasn't only

interested in her dancing?

How could you treat me like that?

I trusted you.

I believed in you.

You made me believe in myself.

I think what you did was very, very
cruel.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

That's it?

That's all that you have to say?

No, Janet.

No.

Let me level with you.

I don't think you've got what it takes
to make it as a dancer.

Well, let me level with you, Michael.

I don't think you have what it takes to
make it as a human being.

me so, Jack, because I know that you
tried to warn me. Janet. Oh, Jackie, you

don't have to say that. I ought to be
grateful for having my one big night in

the spotlight because it is a lot more
than I ever dreamed of having in my

life. And don't say that you didn't come
down here to say all those things,

Jack, because I know darn well that you
did.

Janet. What?

I didn't come down here to say all those
things.

You didn't? No.

All I wanted to say was...

May I have it then?

Speaking of caring, Jack didn't care for
the

idea of Terry moving in. So on her first
night there with Larry's help, he tried

to get rid of her.

Terry, would you please smile pretty for
the camera?

That's it.

Larry. Well, that's the last time I buy
this cheap film. The collar runs.

Larry, you said you were going to use
plain water.

Jack, that isn't funny. Look what you
did to her dress.

Yeah, you ruined it.

That wasn't me, Jack.

Don't worry about it, Terry. I'm sure
Jack will have it cleaned for you.

okay.

That's right. It's the wash and wear
dress. And we have a special solution

will allow her to wash it and wear it at
the same time. If you want the magic

solution to clean the dress, and this is
the funniest part of the game, just

say, give it to me.

Terry, you don't have to do this.

Give it to me.

Terry.

Go ahead. You can't stop now.

You're right.

Jack, that's not what I told you to do.
I know.

I don't suppose it would do any good to
apologize.

Try me.

I'm really sorry.

I don't know why I did this.

I do. I've given you lots of reasons not
to like me. But that's no excuse to do

what I did.

You're right.

And if you ever do that again, I'm going
to give you another tetanus shot. No,

Mommy! You are really something, you
know that?

And if you still want to live here, I'd
be happy to have you as a roommate.

Why not the way I look? Nobody else will
take me.

I'll take you.

You know, as we look back over all these
moments... Excuse me, I think I left a

script here somewhere.

Lucille Ball!

Hi, John.

Lucille Ball, you're here!

I'm standing in the same room with you.
I mean, you're in the same room with me.

I mean, I mean... John. What an honor,
the great Lucille Ball.

Never in my life.

That's enough, John.

Yep, I've admired you for so long.

Oh, well, then keep on talking.

Lucy. What are you doing here? I'm
talking about Three's Company.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

And looking at some of the very funny
things you people did.

Well, thank you on behalf of the entire
company. Thank you. And I was talking

about what makes for good comedy.

My philosophy of the principal elements
that go into the making of a good

comedy... Uh, John, I don't think I have
time for this.

Huh?

What's the one word that you think best
describes Three's Company?

One word? One word.

Classy.

Like I said, it's my kind of show.

Good night.

Oh, John, kiss me.

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