Original subtitles

Tonight, the best of Three's Company, starring John Ritter,

Joyce DeWitt, Suzanne Sommer, Audra Lindley, Norman Fell,

Richard Klein, Don Knotts, Jenny Lee Harrison, Priscilla

Barnes, and special guest host Lucille Ball.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lucille Ball.

Oh, I hope they know that.

Uh, hello?

Anybody home?

Good.

Now then, I can talk about them.

Well, this is the place. Three's Company.

A guy living with two girls.

Why didn't I ever think of that?

Well, actually, I did.

But when I told my mother I wanted to move out, she made me go live with my

Maud.

You know what I like about this show?

It doesn't try to change the world or solve any major problems.

All it does is make us laugh and forget our own cares.

That's my kind of comedy.

all started here in the bathroom. You see, their roommate, Eleanor, was

and Chrissy and Janet threw her a big farewell party.

Next morning, Chrissy made a startling discovery in the bathtub.

She ran right to Janet for help.

Good Lord, is it morning?

Yes, yes it is.

And if you don't mind a stupid question, who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Jack.

Jack Triple.

And that's how they met.

But becoming a roommate was not so easy. Their landlord, Mr. Roper, wouldn't

hear of a man moving in with two girls until Janet somehow persuaded him to let

Jack stay.

How?

I had him to change his mind.

Easy. I just convinced him that nothing would happen between Jack and I.

How did you do that? Well, I told him that Jack was a decent, respectable,

-working young man.

And that did it? Not quite. I also told him that you were gay.

Do you remember the girls looking like that?

I'd almost forgotten. They've really changed over the years.

And then came Cindy.

And then came Terry.

But one thing that hasn't changed is Jack. No one, but no one, ever got

in so many wild predicaments as Jack Tripper.

Present company accepted.

For instance, there was a time that Jack woke up one morning and found he wasn't

alone.

Honey.

Sweetheart.

Baby doll.

Not tonight, Helen. I've got to head off.

Oh, boy.

Mr. Roper?

Mr. Roper?

What are you doing here? This is my bed.

Oh, my God.

There was another time when Jack handcuffed himself to Chrissy just for a

and then couldn't find the key.

And he had to keep a date.

Hi, Jack.

Oh, Brenda, you look so beautiful.

Thank you.

Make a glass of white wine. Two white wines.

Make that three white wines. And a tuna fish sandwich.

Three white wines and a tuna fish sandwich.

Why are you ordering for that girl at the next table?

Well, she's all alone, you know, and she seems like a nice person, and I think

she's hungry.

Well, let her order.

That'll be $5 .25.

Thank you.

Will you ever forget the time that Jack

took a job cooking for her husband and wife?

Unfortunately, the wife acted like the main dish was Jack.

I hope it's not too spicy.

Well, it can't get too spicy for me.

Well, bon appetit.

Makes you wonder how she works at all.

You know what I said to him?

But when Jack took another man's name in order to get a job as a chef, he nearly

wound up as mincemeat.

Oh, I don't think I'll watch this one.

I've been looking forward to this moment.

Hey! Hey!

That's for my kid sister.

What did she order?

What are you talking about?

Who's your sister?

You mean you don't even remember her name? You

think that was pain?

Then watch this.

Jack overdid it at the gym to impress that beautiful girl. And now he's in

pain, he can hardly move.

But he doesn't want her to know.

Bye, Jack.

Tripper told Mr. Furley that he had a twin brother from Texas, and then he had

to prove it. You're going to see a man who was really beside himself.

Well, let's get on with the party.

Wait a minute. Now where's Austin?

Oh, he went to the little wrangler's room.

Why don't you sit on down there, Attica? You know, it's good to see the two of

you boys together.

Well, it's great being together, partner.

It certainly is.

Well, how about a slug of bourbon?

Austin?

Fine, fine, fine.

Janet? No, thanks, Mr. Furley. Cindy and I'll just have some of this wine here.

It would feel nice of you to bring it along. It looks like a great view. Okay,

here you go, Austin.

And one for RF.

And Jack, right here.

Slurred a bourbon?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

Oh, come on, you little twerp.

Well,

okay, I'll try.

All right, now let's all get comfortable.

Jack? Yes, sir?

I want you and your brother Austin... Right here, yeah.

...to sit right here on either side of me.

Jack met his roommate -to -be, Terry Alden, under very embarrassing

circumstances. He didn't like the idea of a woman giving him a tetanus shot,

she got him in the end.

Would you drop your pants, please?

Drop my pants?

I bet you say that to all the guys.

Drop them.

No way.

Why not?

Because. Because.

I'm a woman.

No, I wasn't going to say that. And the idea of a woman seeing you without your

clothes on embarrasses you.

Absolutely not. Look, I know you're a professional. And you've done this a

hundred times. And you know what you're doing. And why can't he give the shot?

Because it's not his job. It's mine. Excuse me.

Sir, may I speak to you for a second?

Of course.

Thank you. I know that somebody in your position usually doesn't bother giving

shots, but in this one case, could you make an exception?

Very much.

Thank you very much. Excuse me.

You don't know how much this means to me.

You see, nurse... This may not be his job, but some people are not hung up on

titles, you know what I mean? I mean, he doesn't mind stooping to give a mere

patient a shot.

Why shouldn't he? He stoops all the time. Huh? He's the janitor. The

And this is the kitchen, where Jack whips up all those delicious meals for

girls.

No wonder they love living with him, and that's what this show is all about,

living together.

Morning.

How you doing? Oh, gee, do you have to walk around the house in your underwear?

This is not underwear. It's my bathing suit. I ran out of clean shorts.

Oh. Well, in that case, it's all right.

Why wasn't it all right before?

I thought it was your underwear.

Yeah, but it's still the same shorts. You can't tell the difference.

I can.

How? Because your underpants have giraffes on them.

Exercise wouldn't do you any harm.

Ah, this stuff's not for me. When I want exercise, I go down to the gym, I lift

some weights, punch the bag to a couple miles around the track. Real exercise.

This is kid stuff.

Kid stuff, huh?

I'd like to see you try it. Oh, this is going to be easy. What do you want me to

do?

Oh, well, let's start out with a simple posture. The lotus.

The lotus?

Yes. Take one of your feet. Yes.

Lift it out with the bottom towards the ceiling and gently place it in its

position.

It's easy.

Okay, now take the other one and do the same thing.

Gently.

Thank you. See, I told you it was easy.

Okay,

Janet, how do I get out of this?

Oh, that's next week's lesson. No, Janet!

Come here.

Hey, it was easy, huh?

Well, I said it was easy getting into it. I didn't say anything about getting

out of it. Now, come on. All right, all right, I'll help you.

Oh, wait a minute. Got a phone.

Don't do that.

I don't even know what that is.

You've got to show him that you're not what he thinks you are.

She's got to show him she's not a girl?

Hold this out, Chrissy. I'm talking about a different type of girl. Now,

Larry shows up tonight, you've got to show him a Janet that he doesn't even

exists. A sexy bombshell.

What? You've got to turn him on so you can turn him off. You see?

Look, I'll show you how. Okay, you don't know me. Now, you pretend that you're

sitting all by yourself at the Regal Beagle. Now, what do you do when a good

-looking guy walks in and sits down beside you?

Dick,

you said Dick, you said Dick, you said Dick.

make you guys feel better i learned it from a friend who studied with a swami

it's guaranteed to drive your blues away and get you laughing again all right

now now pick up your milk let's go come on jenna pick up your milk okay all

right now repeat after me sadness departs leave gladness in my heart say

sadness departs leave gladness in my heart now drink your milk

but Only drink your milk from this side of the glass. Never drink it from this

side of the glass. Why can't you drink from that side?

Well, if you drink it from this side... But

it wasn't always fun and games.

You know, sometimes they got on each other's nerves, which led to problems.

with these kids, even their problems are funny.

than what you do. You keep me up half the night making noises.

What noises?

here without checking with me? Hey, hey, back off, buster.

You're just sore because I brought a man in here.

Sore? Do I look sore?

Janet, Janet, Janet.

Janet, I'm just thinking of your reputation.

Believe me, people are just not ready to see a woman living with two men.

What? Janet, a single, attractive woman living with two guys?

And how come you weren't worried about your reputation, Jack, living with two

girls?

Because I'm a man, and men don't have to worry about their reputations.

What?

What, what?

Did you hear what you just said?

I wasn't listening.

Did you know what you are, Jack?

You are a male chauvinist. Don't say it. Oink. Janet.

Oink, oink. Janet.

Janet.

Janet. How do you like my new dress?

I picked it up at a sale. I'm crazy about it. You are?

Yeah.

It's lovely on you, Cindy.

Thanks, Janet.

Sure. Why don't you tell her the truth, Janet?

Jack.

Janet, if you don't like it, I wish you'd tell me, because I think you have

good taste.

Wait, wait. Oh, Cindy, that's not what you told me last week.

me you hated that plaid dress janet was wearing i did not then what did you say

cindy uh i said i didn't like it for me but it's all right for someone with

short legs go ahead

short legs janet i didn't mean

Hey, where's Terry?

Welcome back to the best of Three's Company.

By this time, you must know I love physical comedy, especially when John

does it. He would have been right at home in the old silent films. He's done

some things that even Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd would have loved.

Action!

Looks easy, doesn't it? But believe me, it's not.

It takes a lot of talent, a lot of agility, and a lot of band -aids.

You know what else I get a kick out of? The kids have the same problem that I

had on my show.

Their landlord lives in the building right downstairs.

First, it was the Ropers.

Helen, the romantic, and Stanley, the pooped.

You're not cracking the ceiling. Their party did that.

Oh, that wasn't the party, Stanley. That was the earthquake.

What earthquake?

The big one. Don't you remember?

Oh, it was thrilling.

Thrilling?

Yeah, it was the first time our bed moved in years.

Look, Stanley, you've been lying around all morning and you promised me that

you'd paint the outside of the building today.

Well, the day's not over.

Yeah, but you've been promising all year.

Well, the year's not over.

How long can you...

to look at something so faded and drab.

I don't know. How long have we been married?

Does she know that you're, uh... She knows exactly what I am, thank you.

You know, you're lucky, Jack.

You could be pals with women. Hmm?

I mean, you don't have the same problems that a regular man has.

Like what?

Well, you'll never have a wife nagging you.

Not that I have anything against marriage, but wives can be very

You know, they're always asking you to do things.

What kind of things?

You know, like things.

Things. Like? Like, uh...

Like putting up a shelf?

That's it.

Putting up shelves.

And they're never satisfied.

I mean, it's not as though I never put up a shelf.

I mean, maybe I don't put up as many shelves as some husbands.

I put up shelves.

If Helen had her way, I'd be putting up a...

Shelf every night.

That's a lot of shelves.

Well, now that you're awake, I can tell you I have no more little jobs to

do. Correct me.

I have one more little job.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Oh, Stanley.

Be gentle with me, Hillary.

And just upstairs is Larry, Jack's best friend.

I better get my sunglasses.

Why? Because I'm in love.

You gotta have a better reason than that.

Awesome, Larry. Haven't you ever thought of getting married?

Yeah, but the rabbit got better.

Larry's a used car salesman, but he can sell anything, even a coffin.

Oh, come on.

Yeah, come on. I'll show you there's nothing to it. Huh?

Here you go. Oh, Larry, come on.

I'll tell you, this little baby is the answer to all your problems.

Huh? You got your plush, satin interior.

Talk. about your reclining seats.

Larry!

And plenty of leg room, not like those Japanese imports.

Larry, will you get out of there?

It's even got a sunroof.

Now, here's a picture of a man about to make the supreme sacrifice.

He thinks an older woman has designs on Jack, and he's about to romance her in

order to lure her away from Jack.

Hi.

I'm Larry.

I'm Martha. Martha, what a beautiful name.

Reminds one of vineyards.

A little wine?

Yes, thank you.

Excuse me, but, you know, I just couldn't help but notice your perfume.

It's so mysterious.

So enchanting.

So sensual.

What do you call it?

Bengay.

I rub it on my shoulders.

It's the only thing that works for my rheumatism.

Well, it's so... You.

She's a nice little girl for someone her age.

You're a young man.

Just exactly what is it you're doing? Oh, now, why fight it, Martha?

I know from the minute I set eyes on you, there was something between us.

And, of course, there's Mr.

Furley, the kid's present landlord, who thinks of himself as a playboy, a

ladies' man, and an all -around swinger.

But that's not how we see him.

Hi,

what can I get you?

Oh, well, let's see.

You got any 12 -year -old scotch back there?

Anything younger than that, a real scotch drinker, and throw it back.

How's this?

Yeah, let's see.

Oh, what are you doing?

Listening for the bagpipes.

A tall glass of a little root beer.

Root beer?

Yeah. And throw a cherry in there, too, will you?

Sure. Got any whipped cream?

Hey, why the long faces?

Jack failed his cooking exam, and he's going to move out.

Move out?

It's a good thing I showed up when I did.

Jack,

it's time you and I had a talk.

Just the two of us.

You running away.

Don't you know when the going gets tough, the tough get going?

So you fail. Big deal. Look at me.

I fail almost everything I've ever tried.

I've never really amounted to anything.

My whole life has just been one big failure after another.

I'm the laughing stock of my family.

The only reason I have this job is because my...

My brother owns the building.

Jack, if you can wait till tomorrow, I'll go with you.

Oh, no, boys, my French is really rusty.

Well, lucky for you, I'm here.

Mr. Perl, do you speak French?

Do I speak French?

Isn't French the language of love?

Garçon, au revoir, monsieur.

Au revoir, monsieur.

line fall.

Pardon.

Madame seems to have your menu, the one with the prices.

I'm terribly sorry, sir. I hope I didn't scare you. Scare me?

Are you kidding?

You know,

one of the most important things in any relationship is understanding.

But one of the most important things in comedy is misunderstanding.

Because it can lead to so much fun.

Oh, what are we going to do?

Chrissy.

Chrissy.

Oh,

that's cute.

Yeah, there's nothing a girl likes more than a little tickle on the tummy.

room. Would you excuse me? Sure.

One of the most touching moments was when Jack and Janet visited Chrissy at

hospital. They misunderstood the doctor and thought Chrissy was dying.

Actually, she was about to be released from the hospital.

Did you talk to the doctor?

Yes. And you know?

Yeah.

How do you feel?

Oh, fine.

The not knowing was the worst part of it.

shouldn't be thinking about us now.

Oh, yeah.

You know, as long as I live, I'll never forget how super you both were.

Um, is there anything that you want? I mean, anything. You name it.

Well, before I go, I would like to go around and say goodbye to all the

They made it lots easier.

the time when Mrs. Latham, a woman Jack had just given a cooking lesson to, was

changing her clothes just as Terry came home.

Hello, you must be one of Jack's roommates.

Yes, I'm Terry. I'm Joanna Latham.

You're certainly a lucky girl sharing an apartment with a man like Jack.

Oh? Oh, for someone so young, he certainly knows what he's doing. Such

technique.

That Jack.

You know, he showed me things I'd never even heard of.

Oh, uh, is he here?

In the bedroom getting dressed.

You know what I like best?

He's so patient.

He let me do it over and over.

Finally got it right.

Oh, hi, Terrence. Oh, Jack, I've got to run.

Thanks so much.

Here you are.

$25.

And worth every penny.

You know, I feel guilty about this, Mrs. Latham. You know, I had as much fun as

you did.

Poor Terry was still in the dark when Mrs. Latham's husband showed up.

Oh, you poor man. Here, come sit down.

How about some coffee?

Thank you.

You really shouldn't be here.

Why? Isn't today my wife's lesson?

You know about Jack and your wife?

Sure.

You don't mind?

Of course not. You have to learn somehow.

Jack gets tired of the same thing night after night. He wants you alive.

kind of be fun to watch.

One day, Terry brought home someone from the psychiatric ward.

Janet and Jack thought he was a patient and a dangerous one.

Actually, he was a doctor.

So, Tom, how are you?

Not...

What's wrong with nuts?

Nothing.

I love nuts.

It's just that, well, I thought perhaps you'd prefer some cheese.

Well, anything you say.

Good.

Janet? Yeah? That was a nice move.

Listen, just don't offer him any more nuts. Oh, no. And no crackers.

Oh, Jack.

Dan.

What's the matter, Tom? Oh, my watch band has come on.

Tom, that's no reason to get excited.

Let me take a look -see at it, okay?

Well, here's the problem. You gotta screw loose.

Well, I'm glad we got all that straightened out. Oh, one more thought

Three's Company.

We wouldn't care about these kids if they didn't care about each other. And

do, just like a family.

Remember the time a phony character conned Janet into thinking she was good

enough to be a professional dancer, but then she found out he wasn't only

interested in her dancing?

How could you treat me like that?

I trusted you.

I believed in you.

You made me believe in myself.

I think what you did was very, very cruel.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

That's it?

That's all that you have to say?

No, Janet.

No.

Let me level with you.

I don't think you've got what it takes to make it as a dancer.

Well, let me level with you, Michael.

I don't think you have what it takes to make it as a human being.

me so, Jack, because I know that you tried to warn me. Janet. Oh, Jackie, you

don't have to say that. I ought to be grateful for having my one big night in

the spotlight because it is a lot more than I ever dreamed of having in my

life. And don't say that you didn't come down here to say all those things,

Jack, because I know darn well that you did.

Janet. What?

I didn't come down here to say all those things.

You didn't? No.

All I wanted to say was...

May I have it then?

Speaking of caring, Jack didn't care for the

idea of Terry moving in. So on her first night there with Larry's help, he tried

to get rid of her.

Terry, would you please smile pretty for the camera?

That's it.

Larry. Well, that's the last time I buy this cheap film. The collar runs.

Larry, you said you were going to use plain water.

Jack, that isn't funny. Look what you did to her dress.

Yeah, you ruined it.

That wasn't me, Jack.

Don't worry about it, Terry. I'm sure Jack will have it cleaned for you.

okay.

That's right. It's the wash and wear dress. And we have a special solution

will allow her to wash it and wear it at the same time. If you want the magic

solution to clean the dress, and this is the funniest part of the game, just

say, give it to me.

Terry, you don't have to do this.

Give it to me.

Terry.

Go ahead. You can't stop now.

You're right.

Jack, that's not what I told you to do. I know.

I don't suppose it would do any good to apologize.

Try me.

I'm really sorry.

I don't know why I did this.

I do. I've given you lots of reasons not to like me. But that's no excuse to do

what I did.

You're right.

And if you ever do that again, I'm going to give you another tetanus shot. No,

Mommy! You are really something, you know that?

And if you still want to live here, I'd be happy to have you as a roommate.

Why not the way I look? Nobody else will take me.

I'll take you.

You know, as we look back over all these moments... Excuse me, I think I left a

script here somewhere.

Lucille Ball!

Hi, John.

Lucille Ball, you're here!

I'm standing in the same room with you. I mean, you're in the same room with me.

I mean, I mean... John. What an honor, the great Lucille Ball.

Never in my life.

That's enough, John.

Yep, I've admired you for so long.

Oh, well, then keep on talking.

Lucy. What are you doing here? I'm talking about Three's Company.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

And looking at some of the very funny things you people did.

Well, thank you on behalf of the entire company. Thank you. And I was talking

about what makes for good comedy.

My philosophy of the principal elements that go into the making of a good

comedy... Uh, John, I don't think I have time for this.

Huh?

What's the one word that you think best describes Three's Company?

One word? One word.

Classy.

Like I said, it's my kind of show.

Good night.

Oh, John, kiss me.

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