Original subtitles

Here you go.

Mmm, thanks.

So, did you have fun last night?

Yeah, it's fine.

How does it feel to date another lawyer?

What? It's not easy to get romantic with a district attorney.

Did she make a lot of objections?

That question is overruled.

How was your evening with, uh, what's his name?

Brad.

Oh, yes, Brad.

From the same family as Staples, Tax, and Nails.

Where'd you guys go?

Well, Brad's rehearsing an off -Broadway play, and I got to sit and watch.

It looks like Billy and Gary are working out a nice little friendship there.

Kids sure bounce back, don't they?

Listen, kids do entirely too much bouncing nowadays, if you ask me.

I can almost wish that this one over here was going steady again, even if it

isn't with Benowitz.

I never thought I'd hear you say that.

Well, never you don't know the kind of berserk ghost that she's been dating

lately. Oh, Billy's a smart kid. How bad could they be?

Well, for openers, there was a guy from her pottery class, Alonzo,

with an earring in his ear, and he called me Unk.

I see what you mean.

Hey, boss.

Chuck's chickens just came in. You want us to cook them or you want to take a

look first?

No, no, I always got to check Chuck's chickens, of course.

I don't trust Chuck's pluggers.

That's the pluggers' place.

Oh, hi, Marsha. You want to talk to Gary?

Oh, you don't want to talk to Gary.

Oh, sure, I'll tell him. Yeah.

A guy named Rick Faxter is on his way over here to see you.

Oh, no.

I don't want to see that guy.

You want money?

Harry, let me ask you.

When you were growing up, did you ever have a friend who seemed to get

everything that you wanted?

Morris Oblinsky.

He beat me in debating, hockey, boxing, and girls.

See, I could never beat this guy, Rick.

I mean, take the sixth grade science project.

His rabbits multiplied.

My frogs blew up.

Oh, and then, in ninth grade, there was this girl, Virginia Las Manas.

Harry, a body you could die for.

Comes time for the dance.

I get the mumps.

Who gets Virginia Las Manas?

Rick Baxter.

Nah, you said it.

Nah, when he gets here, tell him I'm in court. The Supreme Court.

Hi, Gary. To this day, Virginia Las Manas still calls me mumpy.

Goodbye, Gary.

Was it something he ate? Well, forget it. Just relieve me.

Why the hell did he have to remind me about Morris Oblinsky?

I wonder if Morris Oblinsky knows Virginia Las Manas.

They didn't startle you?

No. They're slippery little devils.

Listen, is Gary Rabinowitz here?

No, I'm sorry you missed him. He left in kind of a hurry.

Well, as long as I'm here, how's the food?

Cooked.

That's really old stuff.

I mean, home -cooked. It's good food.

Pick a table, any table.

Thank you.

Billy!

Customer! Okay.

Here you go.

I don't need the menu. Why don't you recommend something?

The trout is very popular.

I hate fish.

Me too.

I'll tell you what. Why don't we forget about the food and run away together?

Okay.

Wait a second. I don't even know you.

Wait.

Excuse me.

Would you do me a favor? Could you introduce the two of us, please?

Sure. What's your name? Rick Baxter.

Rick Baxter. I'd like you to meet Billy Bunker.

Hi. Hi.

You own this place?

No, I'm just an indentured servant.

Well, now that we know each other a little bit better, what do you say to

theater?

Dinner? Would you like that?

Okay. Okay, great. I'll pick you up about 8 if you tell me your address.

704 Houser Street.

Okay.

I'll be there.

What about lunch?

I'll save my appetite for dinner.

I'll see you about eight.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Wow.

He's so cute.

And nice.

Yeah, nice, but, you know, for a chicken, it's more like a duck.

Great. Thanks.

What's that outrageous smell?

New French perfume called Trichot.

Ah, very warm.

Why, hang that over here, that very woman. Let me tell you something. I

it's a disgrace for a young lady to be going out into the night advertising

herself as very warm.

Is it a sin to be attractive?

Yes, when you hardly know the guy you're going out with.

I know a gentleman when I see him.

Ah, they're all gentlemen at first. They're all gentlemen at first.

I'll bet that's him.

Then they come sneaking up in cars.

Oh, wow.

There's a car outside about half a block long.

What a show -off.

Billy, he's gorgeous.

Hate that vibe.

Gorgeous.

Can I get it? Sure.

Hi. Hi.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Hi. Hi. You look great. Thank you.

And these are for you? Oh, my goodness. They're beautiful.

Steph, would you take these, please? Steph?

Steph?

This is my cousin Stephanie. This is Rick Baxter.

Hi. Hi.

I'll go get your face.

I mean, a face.

This is my uncle, Archie Bunker. This is Rick Baxter. How are you doing there,

Dick? Rick.

Whatever.

Sit down if you want. I'm watching the TV.

We have to get going, don't we, Rick? No, we got a few minutes.

Hey, that's my book.

Top Throws Revenge, that's my book. I've been reading it for a year.

No, I mean I work for the publisher.

Oh, the publisher. Oh, hey, hey, your publisher must publish real old classics

there, huh?

Hey, let me tell you.

There's this scene in there that's one of the trillingest scenes I've ever

These were the Mexicans. They buried a lone ranger up to his neck, you know.

And then they cover him over with molasses.

And then they whistle for the big red ants.

Well, I'll tell my boss I finally found a man who enjoyed it.

That's a great idea.

What else did that guy write?

Nothing.

We have reservations, don't we?

Yeah. Well, hold your horses there, Billy. I mean to say, you know, not so

There's a question I wanted to ask, Mr... What's your last name?

Baxter, Rick Baxter. Yeah, Mr. Baxter there.

That name Baxter, was that ever by any chance anything else like Baxterowski or

Baxter Boy?

Why would you hype me that way?

No, it's always been Baxter.

Fine, swell, swell. Good night, Steph. Good night, Archie. Good night. Nice

meeting you, Mr. Barker. Yeah, I'm sure it was.

Boy, is he a fox or what?

What fox?

Can't you tell a buffalo to err by its antlers?

wonderful time me too then we're on for tomorrow night

right yeah uh what about sailing this weekend

too on a boat oh yeah that's usually how it's done

yes

isn't fate wonderful

You just came into Archie's place out of the blue?

Actually, I came in to meet an old friend of mine.

We used to be rivals.

Now it turns out that he's representing a typesetting company we want to buy.

One of our customers?

No, your lawyer.

Gary Rabinowitz?

Yeah.

I need another kiss.

Something bothering you?

No, no, nothing's bothering me.

Good. So I'll pick you up at the bar tomorrow night, right?

Yeah, five o 'clock.

Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, Matt, I have to talk to you.

I don't know what I'm going to do about Rick.

Did he hit on you?

Married.

Well, Billy, what was he?

Wonderful.

Oh, yeah.

Terrible when they're wonderful.

No, no, you don't understand. It turns out that Rick is an old rival of Gary.

Do you enjoy going out with Rick?

Yes. Well, then be honest with Gary about it.

You're right.

It's always good to be honest.

I just didn't want to be honest so soon.

Go on.

Go on.

Oh, you're back early.

I didn't need the time.

What's the matter, Harry?

Hey, Pat, let me ask you something.

If you was my wife, what would make you take me back?

Well?

I'm thinking, Harry.

I'm thinking.

This man is absolutely unbelievable.

I mean, he's actually trying to deduct the beer he drinks at home as market

research.

Gary, do you think you could put all this aside for a minute? Because I have

talk to you.

Oh, sure, sure, Billy.

I'm all yours.

Well, I'm all ears.

What's wrong?

Well, Gary, um... This is about something that I did.

But I didn't know something when I did it that I know now.

If I had known it when I did it, I probably would have never done it.

But, um, I still kind of like to, uh, keep doing it now.

Even though I know, uh, now.

You know?

No. Hi, I'm Rick Baxter.

Oh, yeah.

I know who you're here to see.

Grab a seat. I'll take care of it for you. Thanks.

I get the feeling I saw you before.

Again? Hey, Gary, that Baxter guy tracked you down. He's sitting at the

Oh, no.

Hey, the Supreme Court gag is still good. I didn't use it before.

Ah, Harry, it's Saturday.

Look, I'll see him. I can't keep avoiding him forever.

Hey, Gary, wait.

Billy, sit back, relax, and figure out whatever it is you're trying to tell me.

How long's it been, guy?

Um, the Mohawk canoe race. That's right, that's right.

You took first place, and I spent an hour wringing out my socks.

Well, hey, you got an argument, don't you? That's right, me and Doris Shanker.

Come on, come on, have a seat. Okay.

So, uh, what can I do for you?

I mean, you didn't come around just to beat me at arm wrestling again, did you?

No.

Now, actually, yesterday I stopped by to talk to you about the Kirk typesetting

company. Oh, sure. Yeah, I represent them.

Hey, hey, what do you mean you never saw me?

You was over our house picking up Billy.

Oh.

You, uh, took out Billy, Rick? Yeah. Sure, he whined her and dined her.

Yeah, kept her out all hours.

Well, I believe they're going out tonight.

Again?

This here's the new boyfriend.

That there's the old boyfriend.

Oh, hey, Gary.

You didn't know about this here, huh?

Oh, geez. Well, shut my mouth.

Hey, Billy, I think you better be in on this, honey.

Over here. Over here. Come on in, China. Sit down. You could move, you know,

over to this chair.

Come on, Billy. Sit down in the middle here.

With the guys.

Hi, fellas.

Hi.

Yeah.

Well, what are we going to talk about?

Is this what you were trying to tell me?

Gary, I didn't know that Rick was your friend when he asked me out.

Gary, listen, I didn't know about the two of you either, honestly. Oh, come

come on. I mean, what's the difference here? Hey, hey, them two split up

sometime back then.

I mean, so as far as I'm concerned, what's your name again?

Rick. Yeah, Rick. You know, so as far as I'm concerned, it's water over the

bridge, so forget it.

Gary, come on. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me get a chair here.

What happened?

Gary, I'm really sorry.

It's all right. Hey, hey, come on. I mean, no big deal.

Look, whatever we had wasn't that serious.

Believe me, I'm over it.

What?

You mean you don't mind that the two of us are going out? No.

nice prospects lined up myself, you know what I mean? Sure, your Uncle Abe was

telling me about a couple of them names.

So come on, everything's perfect. As long as you can bring her home at a

respectable hour. Do you think you can do that?

Yeah, I think I can do that.

Well, sure, fine.

I mean, I'm satisfied, so everybody ought to be happy.

If you two will excuse me, I've got a lot of work in there.

It's really nice to see you again, Rick.

Yeah, you too, Gary.

I'll go get ready.

Sure.

the president ushers me right into the Oval Office.

What happens?

Well, sitting around on the floor is the 20 mules from the Death Valley.

Sounds like his cabinet.

Yes, I guess that's who they was.

Of course, one of them takes off his nose bag, and it's George Bush.

And he says the way to tame El Salvador is to make the damn place into the 49th

state. Was there any music in this dream?

No, but there was a toilet flush. That's what woke me up.

Is that Billy just came in?

Yeah, hi.

Hi, Billy. Well, you dated not to bring you home this early, kid.

Oh, well, I wasn't feeling well. Is Gary still here? He's in the office.

Good, thanks.

Deductible.

Not deductible.

Not deductible.

Deductible.

Hi.

Billy, what are you doing back?

I could tell that you were more upset than you let on.

Well, I'll work it out.

I won't see Rick anymore.

Why not?

I don't want to damage our friendship.

Billy.

If you're willing to give up Rick for me, and you're saying that you and I

still...

I'm no hero.

But you don't have to give up anybody for me.

We'll always have our friendship.

I'm not much at being noble, but look at me. I'm doing Casablanca.

Playing Peter Lorre? Nah, he was shot by now.

Don't you remember the end?

Bogart brings Ingrid Bergman to the airport.

He's gonna send her off with the other guy, you know.

Listen, sweetheart.

No matter what happens, we'll always have Paris.

Only in our case, it's damn woos.

Here's looking at you, kid.